I slept funny
jacked up my neck & shoulder
I spent time
stretching and massaging
BUT
it was still kinda effed up last night
& when I woke up today
I was LIKE
I think this is BODY WORK
I've been looking at myself
& saying
GIRL
ain't nothing tantalizing about your bod
you wrecked
& I'm not really
inhabiting my body
I'm a think-y brain with a body attached
& with the decrease in body pain
from the relaxing nervous system
I'm just ignoring my body
MORE
BUT
as I tried stretching my neck
as I worked the kinks out of the place on my back
I used to think of as a hump
where I fell & hit it on the tub at lindley's house
before a bunch of us
went to galveston
it's not really a hump anymore
but it is still KINDA a trouble spot
when it STILL HURT months later
my mom finally agreed to take me to a doctor
they SAID
well, it was probably soft tissue damage
when they couldn't see anything on
the x-rays
BUT
my neck used to go out of alignment
way up at the top*
I've always carried my stress
in my shoulders
& I have the injury site
KINDA in the middle of all that
& I think my body wants
MORE from me
than to be
TOLD
STUFF to DO
F.I.O**
SO
I'm stretching & massaging
& trying to FEEL like I'm
INHABITING
my body
I think some of my
in my HEAD-ness
started by
FEELING my feelings
& some of that
was a lot of residual stuff surrounding my mom
& maybe I shouldn't have done that
BUT
it SEEMED like
NOT
feeling my feelings
led to trouble
historically
I thought
& SO
I'm not sure what I think about that now
BUT
I DO think
I HAVE it figure out this body work
I have to make some kind of
PEACE with myself
I'm not a disembodied brain
I don't want to be
semi-dissociated, or whatever
*I'm pretty sure that's going on right now too
**figure it out
