the jail thing is a scam
IDK
I went and read jason's many dms
--- because I haven't read ANY of them since he said the thing I said was triggering to me ---
& I gotta SAY
it is possible that he's a narcissist
which I didn't really think he was
BUT
it's all LIKE
WELL
I'm just going to
KEEP TRYING to REACH OUT to you
with your problems
EVERYONE
has problems
nowhere is there anything like
if I did or said anything
I'm sorry
JUST
things designed to cause
GUILT
WHATEVER
I'm gonna go back to NOT reading them
I was just curious & figured they
wouldn't trigger me now
& they didn't
not even the photo of dad
I AM
a little concerned with the IDEA that maybe
NO ONE really KNOWS me
& if that's because I'm doing something
that I could simply do
SOME OTHER WAY
AM I bringing this on myself
NOT my family
that's just an unfortunate toxic pattern
or set of patterns that I'm unwilling to play along with but can't change by myself
BUT
if you understand me
you might be the only one
& I don't know how much SENSE I make to you
I just know you CARE
ANYWAY
I wonder
I watched this video
talking about WHY
babies & animals
LIKE
my personality type
& I THOUGHT
that might be part of the reason people don't get me
I don't project my DESIRES of them
AT THEM
which maybe makes me
INVISIBLE
in some ways
it's part of what makes me feel SAFE for people to talk to ALSO but that READS as
non-judgemental
I maybe don't know how to be human
APPARENTLY people don't actually
LISTEN to what you SAY
they ONLY listen to
RESPOND
SO
explaining yourself
JUST SOUNDS
like weakness or something
I'm exhausted by the very CONCEPT of all that
I sound like I'm not doing well
BUT
I think I'm basically okay
I just THINK I'm assessing what's just ME
in the equation of my life
& WONDERING
WHAT if anything I want to change
I don't like the IDEA that I'm some sort of
BLANK SPACE
BUT
other people coming AT ME is a thing I don't like
SO
I'm not wanting to do THAT
it's all part of the
self sovereignity assessment
I'm running on myself
goodnight sweetheart
I LOVE you VERY much
