I was playing on Zillow 

& I found this 

PLACE

WAIT 

I have to back up

I found this

CONCEPT 

you have thirty million dollars 

you just won it

BUT 

don't worry about those

DETAILS 

you didn't have it

NOW

SURPRISE 

what do you do FIRST 

AND

it would SEEM like it's 

EASY

BUT 

it wasn't that easy 

SO

in COMPLETELY UNRELATED 

play

I saw this place on Zillow 

& THOUGHT 

if I had thirty million dollars 

I would buy THAT place

& fix it up

it's an old

SERVICE STATION 

in Okemah 

I was

IMAGINING it

as a kind of live/work studio

which was

SIMULTANEOUSLY 

KINDA

a virtual CAMPFIRE circle

PARTY shack

I don't want to throw parties

SO

I kept TRYING to leave THAT off

it just kept sneaking 

BACK

I tried something different 

I said to my mom

wanna do something FUN

SO 

we went to three bookstores 

the literary one

the mystery one

& the new Barnes & Noble

I bought

what caught my attention 

Ten Bridges I've Burnt

by brontez purnell 

A Wall of Bright Dead Feathers

babette fraser hale 

Scents and Sensibility 

spencer Quinn

Milk Magazine 

Milk Decoration

Ms Magazine 

I just passed out 

LAST night 

I was TRYING to figure out 

how to articulate 

what's going on in my brain 

I THINK 

I'm FINDING 

a way through 

I THINK 

I'm gonna be OKAY 

BUT 

I can't explain it YET 

I hope you are having a beautiful day sweetheart 

I LOVE you 

❤️

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 

🫶👾🫚

there are these people 

they're on ticTock

mostly 

the guy is dadchats

& I forget 

if she goes by Suzanne or mom

BUT 

they are 

NUTS 

I don't even know

if I could 

HANDLE

knowing them

BUT I enjoy them

SO much 

he's a lawyer 

& she is a teacher

BUT 

she is a wicked joker

SO

they have this thing

where BASICALLY 

she is DARING him to

wear a shirt to his meetings

that might

GET him FIRED

they are CRAZY 

NO

NOT crazy 

MADCAP

I don't HAVE to

GO to therapy 

it's something I'm doing by

CHOICE 

I didn't go to therapy today 

I texted him 

I have a migraine 

would it be okay if I 

hang on

I can't remember exactly what I said 

would it be okay for me not to 

come to therapy today 

I wasn't sure 

if stating it as a question 

was the right way to go

BUT 

it felt too AGGRESSIVE 

to say

I have a migraine 

I'm SKIPPING therapy today 

AND

it felt too LIKE 

CALLING IN to WORK 

to say

I have a migraine 

I'm not going to be ABLE to MAKE it 

to therapy today 

if I were him

I would think 

she's AVOIDING conflicts 

about the meds

OR

MAYBE I pushed a little too hard

made her

feel threatened 

SO

the version I USED 

I guess is my way of saying 

I'll come in

if you think it's REALLY important 

BUT 

otherwise I'm not 

& I'm SOMEHOW 

MAYBE also

making it 

FOR HIM to tell me to stay home

which probably is NOT 

RIGHT 

it FEELS to me now 

LIKE when my district manager 

once asked me 

HOW would you 

LIKE to be

HELD ACCOUNTABLE 

to MAKE me SAY 

that he should 

WRITE me up

SO

MAYBE I'm just sh*tty

I think it might not have been a migraine 

just a bad headache 

BUT 

HEADACHE 

doesn't MEAN anything 

the TRUTH is 

I woke up

feeling 

PRETTY good 

EMOTIONALLY 

my head hurts

my brain-stem feels swollen 

I think my lymph is 

OFF

because my chest and neck

is somewhat tender

BUT 

I thought therapy 

would make me feel worse

not better

TODAY was weird 

I read a suicide note 

from a guy who didn't get kidnapped 

he hid

he watched

or listened to

his friends get killed

or dragged away 

BUT 

there was worse

I read THAT before Julia butterfly hill

I started to tear up

about SOMETHING*

*I can't now remember what

in the Uber on the way to work

BUT 

strangely

I felt LIKE 

MAYBE I'm figuring myself out 

I'm going to tell

the therapist that I don't want to take

medication 

to just mellow me out

even if that MIGHT be cool

BECAUSE 

I'm trying to rebuild my FRAMEWORK 

and I don't want to do THAT 

in a different mind state

I want to figure it out 

NOT 

half ass figure it out on meds

& THEN 

JUST have to re-re-learn

how to do it

AGAIN 

BESIDES 

I FEEL 

LESS freaked out

I'm NOT feeling super talk-y

BUT 

I feel extra LUCKY 

goodnight sweetheart 🫶 

I LOVE you VERY much 

💋👾🫚

good morning sweetheart 💋 

I hope you are having a beautiful day 

🫶👾🫚

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much ❤️ 

🫶👾🫚

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚

Marcus Aurelius

made me think of Dr Nelson 

my first semester of college 

I was picking 

what the f*CK ever I wanted

& I picked

intro to ETHICS 

over time

I took more classes from him

than anyone except 

Sandy Frieden*

*German film

I haven't thought about him for a little while 

BUT 

I really loved him

I mean not in any sort of crush-y way

he was just an excellent person 

AND

I use that AH HA moment story 

a lot

it was an IMPORTANT moment 

BUT 

ALSO 

he was my faculty advisor 

HE WAS where I got

OR MAYBE NOT 

he would be philosophizing 

people would be scribbling frantically 

& he would pause 

REALIZE he had been LIKE 

making

UNCHALLENGED statements 

for quite a while

he would STOP 

and say

OR MAYBE NOT 

which was an 

INVITATION to challenge 

BUT 

I always heard people 

CROSSING OUT 

like WTF

I guess THIS is NOT on the final

& it amused me 

I was trying to find out 

SOMETHING about him now

BUT 

I found a thing from 2012

he was one of the retired professors 

granded emeritus status

there was a picture of him

I KNOW I wanted to go to a better school

BUT 

I feel like a got a lot 

out of the education I had

AND

he was definitely 

one of the stars

that worked out FINE 

I f*CKed up the time change 

BUT 

it worked for me 

THIS time 

THAT was GREAT 

well it's not ten yet

and it looks like 

it's already on

SO

I'm not sure I'm doing it right 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

I need to sleep 

🫶👾🫚

I fell asleep again 

I REALLY loved the DNC 

I REALLY hope 

we REALLY feel that way

I'm trying to figure out 

what I can handle 

DO SOMETHING-wise

AND

KAMALA 

I feel like her speech

left it all on the field

if you don't believe that she is an agent for good

after THAT 

I don't think ANYTHING will convince you 

I SO WANT 

EVERYTHING to be okay 

I SO WANT to HOPE 

we finally moved forward with 

AMERICA 

I feel like 

this feeling 

it ties into

what I was talking about 

with the REDEMPTIVE power of RED DIRT 

BUT 

I'm not sure exactly 

the transition 

REAL people 

who cares about

REAL people 

BUT 

this emphasis on returning to 

some sort of civil

DISCOURSE 

Pete was talking about it as WHY he goes on FOX

I HOPE AMERICA wins

I WANT SO MUCH 

to believe in the promise of AMERICA 

I fell asleep in the chair 

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚

it's all fine

nobody REALLY needs me

I just have an overweening sense of my own importance 

what a RELIEF 

this new girl is great

I don't need to worry 

that they won't have support 

& nobody seems 

upset with me 

I just need to get through 

TODAY 

and four more days

& then I don't have to get up

at 5:30am

ANYMORE 

YAY

I'm so happy 

I really enjoyed the DNC

I wasn't sure if I was gonna watch tonight 

I liked the zoom role calls better 

BUT 

I get how this is both

old school 

& NEW

DOUG was SO GOOD 

the OBAMAS

of course 

BUT 

they were good 

FOR THEM 

which is saying something 

goodnight sweetheart 💋

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶 

👾🫚

FREEDOM 

COMPASSION 

& RULE of LAW

HOW ballsy do you have to be

to fill the RNC building 

WHILE 

the DNC is going on 

I JUST have to 

REMEMBER 

HOW I LIKE it 

with

the emphasis being 

LIKE 

the ACTUAL ENJOYMENT 

not like some ethical utilitarian equation

we're NOT trying to THROW the THINK at it

JUST 

REMEMBER 

THAT 

for the love of god

I sent the email 

it said 

I have been so happy to be able to help you at art supply for the last couple years, but I have a lot going on in my life and I think it is just the time that I need to have my time back.

I will work out this back to school as scheduled through September 4th, which will be my last day.

I'm not sure therapy is working 

I don't feel like I'm getting 

CLOSER

to understanding 

WHAT I WANT 

NEED 

whatever

I feel like I'm 

drilling down on stuff 

BUT 

it might not be helpful stuff 

AND 

he's NOW 

more actively pushing drugs

idk

I feel like 

I want some vision

of what my life 

COULD look like

& I don't feel like I'm getting any 

CLOSER to THAT

it's been almost a year

SO

I'm not saying I'm dropping out of therapy 

RIGHT NOW 

BUT 

I'm maybe 

exploring other options 

I hope you are having a beautiful day 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I fell asleep 

I think right before Joe Biden spoke 

I heard Jill Biden 

I am going to have to email

my quitting 

because 

I couldn't do it in person 

I am STILL exhausted 

wtf

I didn't walk yesterday 

it was 100 degrees 

I had a headache 

& I wanted to get home

I remember SOME of my dreams 

I was looking for some

MAGIC 

or something 

I turned into a giant wolf

I THINK 

more like a wolfhound 

KINDA scraggly and glowing

PINK

I think

Idk

I'm NOT feeling good 

I want to SLEEP 

for like a month 

I WANT 

SOMETHING 

I just don't know what it is

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚

I KNOW 

I'm not talking much 

& I STILL 

haven't listened to TK

& I KINDA cheated 

because I didn't WALK 

I streamed it 

the first unitarian

seemed better 

& it was good 

BUT 

THAT isn't what I'm looking for 

I also watched SOME of UNITY

I'm trying to figure out 

WHAT it IS I want 

I was thinking about 

going to rothko 

BUT 

they're closed now

hurricane damage 

BUT 

I DID get a helpful message 

the neighbor is the one who 

you CHOOSE to

put in your path

or something like that 

I'm STILL feeling BAD about the quitting thing 

BUT 

I KINDA bonded with myself 

& I'm KINDA vibing

the I need my time back 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋🫶

I'm not sure what 

I'm going to end up doing 

❤️👾🫚☕

goodnight 🥠

those life drawing sessions 

are another of the things 

I'm trying to 

PERSUADE 

myself to do

I pretty much just self soothed today 

I really enjoy those 

Eileen Fischer 

HEMP knit dresses

SO

a thing I do

is see if there are any for good prices 

I found one on eBay 

square neck

which I think I look good in 

OLIVE drab

which is a CORE color for me

that orange geranium color

I'm not sure THAT is 

SUCH a great

COLOR for me, but it goes GREAT WITH 

that HOT CORAL 

which is a CORE color for me as well

it looked good with my jacket 

THOSE jackets are 

WARDROBE winners

they are lightweight 

temperature regulating

hard wearing 

stink resistant 

I like the colors

I think they look nice

I have gauze 

an ASSORTMENT of gauze

APPARENTLY 

I don't care

HEMP dress

eighty eight percent polyester 

twelve percent spandex

JACKET

performance fabrics

MAYBE 

I've been THINKING 

I've got some CHORES 

I NEED to do

BUT 

I didn't do them today 

I am TRYING to talk myself into

WALKING to Emerson UU

around the corner 

I've always thought 

I COULD do that 

BUT 

ya know

other people 

the thing is --  if you're gonna operate from SYNCHRONICITY --

you have to introduce new elements 

SO

I watched MOST of a service 

& it was not without merit

BUT 

it wasn't CALLING me 

which, to be fair, nothing ever does

EXCEPT 

that Quaker place in the heights

I can't quite ever even seriously consider 

because too far

AND

PEOPLE 

BUT 

it did have a ZEN meditation segment 

that made me WONDER 

if I'm not right 

when I think you could do worse than unitarians 

as a RANDOM element 

GENERATOR 

my RESIDENCE is strong 

my RESIDENCE to anything is strong 

BUT 

I THINK I understand 

it's a LIKE 

CROSS PHASIC process

it's LIKE you become it by becoming the right 

FREQUENCY 

but also you bring it into existence by LOOKING at things in the RIGHT WAY 

it's a THING that I believe 

I have some aptitude*

*whether that is accurate or not or even a real thing I cannot be objective 

THAT is why

I CALL myself 

LUCKY 

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 

🫶

👾🫚

I just want to make sure you understand 

it's NOT about 

my being attracted to 

the model

in the painting 

it's about something 

I'm trying to 

LIKE 

embody 

or something 

MAYBE 

I should tell you about the show

it's at archway 

they have this life drawing thingy 

on Sunday morning 

this one caught my attention 

I looked up the artist

& there was a link

to the model 

AND

none of that was important 

BUT 

ALSO 

it was, somehow 

& the angles

& the lines

& the title

I don't get it until the show's over

BUT 

it has the little red dot 

I'm NOT SURE what

that meant 

it had to do with 

the stance

MAYBE 

the 

POWER, maybe 

I bought this TODAY 

apparently my ears are 51

I guess I should be glad

BUT 

I found it VERY disconcerting 

I hope you're having a beautiful day sweetheart 

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚

BEST

is the answer to everything 

it is some sort of unified theory

of answering questions 

AND 

I've spent 

quite a bit of thought

on the case

for your 

WORRY

about me

and need me

MIGHT 

mean like to continue to exist

ALSO 

STUFF, ya know

I feel like

I'm thinking a lot of thoughts

spreading OUT

MAYBE not going so deep

BUT there's a convalescent quality, too

that I maybe should explain 

although 

I'm NOT SURE I can

I found a new personality video person

she is funny

in a maybe more dangerous way

I'm NOT trying to 

give you

BAD

signals

I LOVE you 

I'm sorry I'm so

I'm gonna describe it as

CHOPPY

right now

I'm trying to get it together 

I have to see my mom today 

which I'm not looking forward to 

I fell asleep without publishing this

I feel like

I did a bunch of 

not really very interesting things

I drove the car

I kept trying to talk myself into 

GOING somewhere 

ulta, whole foods, cvs 

then it started 

RAINING 

there are three new TKs 

that surprised me

I'm falling

ASLEEP 

goodnight sweetheart 💋

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

☕☕☕👾🫚

I have SO many FEELS

&

now I'm listening to an audible 

I was gonna get 

something 

JUNG

and I DID 

BUT 

I ALSO got

what I THINK 

is a romance

it's called 

text appeal

I used to read romances

BUT 

it's interesting the directions 

they've turned 

it was an included title 

which I didn't realize 

I thought I was sampling it 

BUT it didn't stop 

&

it was kinda engaging 

this girl

she writes romances

BUT she doesn't like to say so

she's moved to the Pacific Northwest 

from Las Vegas

taken out a three month lease

to see if she can live

with the rain

& WHATNOT 

for some reason she has a new

cell phone number 

AND

THAT 

IS kinda macguffin-y

I'm not saying it's GOOD 

BUT it is kinda fun

SO FAR

&

FUN

is fun

I KINDA 

low key apologized to the

security guard 

for 

avoiding him

BUT 

I was feeling 

OVERLY 

emotional 

&

I snuck out the stairs*

*the elevator was out

BUT there's no outlet to the street 

you have to walk by the

GLASS front wall

our subsequent 

conversation 

showed me

this guy*

*whose name i don't know 

he's young

BUT 

he's KINDA wise

he was very gentle about it

THIS

is MY translation OF him TO him

I guess I could probably 

USE some 

FRIENDS 

I was trying to explain 

AND 

I'm not sure WHY 

I'm not sure 

there's any more reason to make

the therapist understand

I feel somewhat 

dis-assembled

& I'm not sure 

HOW 

I'm going back together

I used to feel like I was CRAZY 

BUT 

that contributed to 

my creativity 

BUT 

WHAT I asked

HAPPENS 

if I pull myself apart 

like I feel like I've done 

& I'm then

NOT CRAZY enough to be special

BUT 

NOT sane enough to be functional 

THEN

I've LOST everything 

SO you're scared, he asks

I GUESS 

THAT'S what I HEAR

he says

I MEAN yes

I'm scared, but not just scared

I'm full of all kinds of emotions 

that I'm not used to

FEELING 

I'm used to intellectualizing my emotions 

BUT 

some girl on YouTube told me

Intellectualizing you emotions

is NOT processing them

AND

I'm all LIKE

OH CRAP 

I'm f*CKing holding EVERYTHING 

BRICK--  arm's length

I THOUGHT I had a VERY strong 

sense of myself 

BUT 

NOW I'm not so certain 

I don't think I said goodnight 

I don't really remember 

BUT 

I THINK 

I fell asleep with the phone 

in my hand 

&

then woke up later

had to hunt for the phone

to plug it in

I'm not sure I'm doing 

all that well

I was planning to quit yesterday 

I mean 

I'm planning to work through September 4th

because THAT

is the back to school schedule 

yesterday 

&

then Monday and Wednesday 

through 9/4

my plan in my head, however 

thought new girl would be there yesterday 

& I would just

get Lucy aside

& say

I've been really happy that I could help you out

these last couple years

& I'm glad you found someone 

who you know and like and trust*

*she worked with her at the place she taught in the heights

because I just have a lot going on 

and I just need my time back

I was worried 

BUT HOPEFUL that that

MIGHT 

NOT 

NEED 

a lot of discussion with new girl there too

BUT 

new girl wasn't there and Lucy wasn't working

& even though she came through 

on her way to her last physical therapy 

it just didn't work for me 

SO

NOW 

I'm freaking out a little 

& therapist acted like he was surprised 

I wanted to give notice at all

LIKE REALLY?!

BUT NOW 

I have to explain it to him

AND I'm not sure what I'm explaining 

I had THINGS I wanted 

out of this arrangement 

& I'm done with THAT 

BUT 

these are NOT people 

that I'm just walking away from

NEVER to SEE again 

AND

I was trying to explain that I like them

WHEN 

I had just said I DIDN'T LIKE them

BUT 

what I mean is

I knew them for years CASUALLY 

Vikki since I was a small-ish child

I would like to have

an undisrupted casual acquaintanceship

with them and I'm not sure if that's possible 

I DON'T WANT to be close friends 

which is where they seem to be trying for

although then also

KINDA treating me like an employee 

SO

talk to me like THAT

I'm STUPID for asking 

ANYTHING 

TELL me all your 

"COMPLEX SYSTEMS"

& demand I follow them

AND

WOMAN bonding all-round

I'm NOT really down

for ANY of THAT 

and I'm worried about the extraction process 

therapist gives me the distinction impression

that he thinks

I just text

I'm OUT bitches

& it's done 

OR

MAYBE 

just don't go back

AND

when I was having to look up

how to process emotions

on YouTube 

I saw a THING 

the REASON therapy WORKS 

is some sort of

TRUST

you build with your therapist 

& THAT worried me

because I'm not sure that that's what I'm doing 

I started to think about 

the letters I got

of resignation 

and

how I responded to them

& I LIKE myself 

a little bit more 

I used to tell them

NONE of YOU are replaceable 

BUT 

I UNDERSTAND that this is NOT 

what you're doing with your life

THIS is a THING 

you're doing 

while you're going to school

or it's a second job

OR

WHATEVER 

I KNOW you will LEAVE 

& while you ARE NOT replaceable 

when you are ready to LEAVE 

I will have to do stuff 

to try to prepare for that

SO the earlier you can let me know 

the BETTER I can prepare 

I WANT you to move forward with your life

I'm NOT gonna hold it against you 

AND

I got a bunch 

that were like

I love you, but I have to move forward with my life 

BUT 

I don't think 

this transition is going to be that smooth 

I HOPE I'm wrong 

I used to stay up late flipping through the cable channels and I would periodically find this news show that would make me stop.  OMG!  Things that were so wonderful I hadn't even thought to want them were all coming to pass, now, immediately.  How could this rapture be possible?

It was a religious show--  it was supposed to scare me with depravity, not inspire.  

And I just saw a commercial put out by UAW that made me feel as close to that as I have since that time--  the only specific time television thing I can remember from that time was OKC bombing, so that's when I was seeing those fake news shows.  The UAW commercial is talking to union members I guess specifically, but it also feels like it's trying to be talking to everyone who isn't a corporate or money'd interest--  real folks.  And it feels like it's saying something that's been echoing through my soul forever but I can't recall having heard.

I thought 

really, I should explain first

I visualize this giant pendulum

and I've been watching it swing right since 80

in 2008 I thought maybe

we were headed back the other direction 

BUT 

then we got t*ump

I thought 

we had to get to beyond horizontal before I get to hear the commercial I've been waiting my whole life to hear.

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

I'm going to bed

sorry I didn't talk much 

TODAY 

goodnight sweetheart 🫶👾🫚

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚

I have always been 

CERTAIN 

that I wasn't autistic 

or whatever 

because 

I can read people 

&

that is NOT supposed to be 

an autistic thing

BUT 

I find myself 

relating to autism and ADHD vids 

SO

I'm not sure how to take that

☕☕☕

Lien the intern MOMENT 

I GOTTA see

SKENES 

I was sure there was a DB video of

Oh Canada 

& they were going on 

about the ANTHEM 

& suddenly 

I REALLY 

WANTED 

to hear

it

&

it brought a 

FLOOD

of FEELS

I'm starting to think 

I'm slightly 

incoherent 

is that paranoia 

it's NOT my intention 

to

LIKE 

just drone on with my boring life

I HOPE 

this is stuff

you 

have interest in

I figure 

I either know you

or don't 

BUT 

I see no reason to think 

I fundamentally

JUST am WRONG 

AND 

to be honest 

I've been trying to figure out 

HOW 

you

got all caught up in my daddy issues 

ARE you in any way like him

I KNOW I maybe 

PROJECT

a little bit of his sneer-y attitude 

this really biting hurtful

quality 

I don't THINK you have THAT 

BUT 

I sometimes 

DRAW that into

the equation 

AND

I'm thinking 

I'm just GONNA decide 

YOU 

are not like that 

goodnight sweetheart ❤️👾🫚

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚

so how'm I lookin 

LIKE 

on the Steve the prophet scale

I was off a little on the slogan

BUT 

I feel like 

I was pretty close

on the MESSAGE 

VPsweepstakes 

I got wrong 

I DID say

I'm not feeling 

LIKE the BAD thing 

that seems like it's going to happen 

I don't FEEL it

AND then it all changed suddenly 

& COACH is the right person 

I THINK even though 

I didn't think that he was

because Pete was focused 

LIKE I was 

on the

DANGER 

BUT 

I think a lot of people 

they can't HEAR that

they just think

you're being HISTRIONIC 

COACH broke it down 

BULLY

WEIRD 

people 

get

and YEAH 

they can agree on WEIRD 

this has been 

pretty amazing 

this whole NARRATIVE event

I don't know about today 

I FEEL like 

I was childish 

with my mother 

we went to lunch

& I didn't attempt to entertain her 

I just sat there

& said what's new

BASICALLY 

I didn't WANT to 

SO I didn't 

it's nice lunch

I really enjoy that restaurant 

ALSO 

she pulled up 

& I asked her if she wanted me to drive 

& she's all LIKE 

do YOU WANT to drive 

& I just shut THAT down 

it is not ABOUT 

what I want 

BUT 

I mean I don't really care

she's a terrible driver

it's less stressful 

really 

AND 

I don't know how coherent 

THAT was 

I didn't feel NORMAL for ANY of it

it was strange 

META maybe 

LIKE 

I'm trying to translate 

or something 

we had some talk

IDK--

I MAY have processed 

SOME emotions

OR

MAYBE 

I shut something down 

I was THINKING about 

BAD stuff 

I mean not the WORST stuff 

BUT 

I was LIKE 

YEAH what else ya got

WELL not really 

MORE LIKE 

YEAH, I KNOW 

BUT 

I'm still or am again today 

SOBBY

COMMERCIALS and such

I'm ENJOYING his description 

of his GOLFING 

I didn't TALK 

nearly as much as you MIGHT think

four episodes to go

I'm listening to them

in weird order, though

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚

WHAT?!

NO CAKEBREAD TENT

HOLY F*CK

TK

is a buckaroo bonzai fan

I THINK my brain

went TILT

the description of Olympic basketball 

ALSO

excellent!

MAYBE 

I can catch up 

while they're on vacation 

SO

I spent a lot of today 

CRYING 

which I didn't enjoy

I'm NOT 💯 convinced 

THIS is the answer

I DO feel better though 

BUT 

have I REALLY "processed"

idk

& how much of the smelly fish

in the processing plant

have I cleaned out 

I don't feel like 

my therapist gave me any tools

to tackle this job

isn't that something 

I maybe 

could expect 

OR

is THIS the way

looking stuff up on YouTube 

idk

t*rump is pretty triggering 

to me

I guess 

&

I really wish

he didn't remind me of my mother so much

I wish

when I indicate

that I'm working through something 

I got some sense 

that she

CARED

that it's not just about 

her wanting to be

entertained

which 

I don't really understand either 

because she ISN'T entertained by me

I am not SURE 

what I feel exactly 

BUT 

I WANT to FEEL 

like somebody wants me to feel better 

& probably you do

I feel ALIEN

BUT 

ALSO a bunch of other stuff 

the bit about how exhausting it is to 

NOT feel emotions

the whole BRICK thing

I THINK I maybe 

have f*CKed up pretty bad

& the idea that

I gotta fix it all NOW 

SEEMS 

overwhelming 

I THINK I just

did some kind of work around 

LIKE 

I just decided I was gonna 

live my life 

WITH YOU 

by whatever means necessary 

BUT 

I ALWAYS thought 

it was GONNA be REAL 

& NOW 

I find myself wanting to know 

WHAT YOU thought we were doing 

BUT 

I am not really ready to hear it

EVEN if you 

are ready to tell me

THIS might sound 

INCREDIBLY 

conceited

BUT 

I really think 

I need somebody 

LIKE me

right now

I don't even think I'm good at it anymore 

I think I'm too burnt out

or whatever 

&

sitting here crying 

is NOT making me feel BETTER 

I can't do it for myself

I begged off seeing my mom yesterday

BUT 

she was all I'll see you tomorrow 

SO

I was all LIKE 

what are your thoughts for today 

& she's like

How about we go to lunch

& whole foods 

I'm like

I'm happy to go to whole foods

I don't want to go to lunch

I'm processing emotions 

SO I really want to have

as few interactions as possible 

She's like 

would you rather go to archway 

I'm LIKE 

I am available to do whatever

NEEDS to be done for your

physical requirements 

She's like 

can we go to lunch and whole foods tomorrow 

I'm like sure

I dreamed a bunch of stuff 

BUT 

I only slightly remember 

ROOMS

&

SOMETHING 

hanging on the wall 

I went to sleep about 4-4:30 

and I mean I guess I got up to pee

But I basically slept through to 8:30

this morning 

I'm not SO comfortable with 

this processing emotions 

or whatever 

I REMEMBER Robert Klein

SINGING shortstop

SKENES 

OHTANI 

I think that's all the sports

I can handle

right now

I gotta go watch

Robert Klein videos

COACH WALZ

I'm watching the rally

I really hope 

this is as good for me 

as I think it is

because 

I don't like to feel everything 

I hope you are doing ok 

I'm not SURE 

HOW 

I'm doing 

BUT 

the therapist said 

take it easy 

don't push myself 

& don't let people overwhelm me

I'm LIKE 

is there a thing NORMAL people say

to get people to 

leave them alone 

we decided on 

I just need a little SPACE right now

& he asked me what I'm gonna say to 

ya know

I'm LIKE 

I'm leaning towards 

I've been happy to help you 

for these last couple years

BUT 

I need my time back

& just kinda hope 

they think it's about my mom

BECAUSE I don't want to have to explain 

or take a bunch of feedback 

& I KNOW 

they understand that 

EVEN if they really don't understand me

I think I'm 

FEELING more emotions 

I might be wrong 

THAT 

might not be what's going on 

BUT 

I think that is going on 

whether that's WHAT'S going on 

& I don't LIKE it 

I'm not even sure 

how to intellectually explain 

I'm EXHAUSTED and I just got up

a little while ago 

please

send whatever positive vibrations you can spare

I FEEL VERY 

like what I'm doing now is 

not safe

ALTHOUGH 

I mean technically it's probably 

physically safe

I just want to reiterate 

I'm not putting myself in danger

you understand 

RIGHT 

🫶

I fell asleep 

I woke up to pee 

but I'm not really awake 

💋❤️🫶👾🫚

I FEEL like 

I'm on the street

in OKEMAH 

it's like a 

LOOP

almost 

I need to go to sleep 

BUT 

I wanted to get this down 

MAYBE 

it's something to do with the story

the thread

& does that tie it all together 

OR

is it maybe tied into a larger thing 

STREETS 

I'm falling asleep 

I'm not coherent 

I LOVE you 

I haven't finished 

that TK yet

I can't explain what today 

was LIKE 

I think I might have been 

somewhat dissociated

all day

doing laundry 

cleaning 

driving the car

butchering CANTALOUPES 

I FEEL like I'm feeling 

MORE 

BUT 

that makes me feel crazy KINDA 

I've had a lot of thoughts 

BUT 

I'm not sure how

coherent 

any of them were

I'm exhausted 

I'm having very active dreams 

I WAKE up exhausted 

I THINK 

from all the stuff I'm doing 

in the dream

MAYBE 

I'm crazy 

I gotta go to bed though 

goodnight sweetheart 💋

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶 

👾🫚

I haven't finished the episode 

BUT 

a very nice Dan Bern shout out 

I KNEW it was

SOMEWHERE 

GENIUS 

I've been doing 

CHORES

& I'm working tomorrow 

I gotta go to bed 

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚

DAN BERN & tom mosser 

shout out

ALSO 

you already looked it up

I'm looking it up

right now

OK

I think it's NIGEL getting him

WOUND up

at least mutton pizza

makes me think that

I will try not

to RUSH

to protect nigel

I'm listening to the ice cream one

&

I think he's MEAN to Nigel 

it BOTHERS me 

it

doesn't SEEM to be a JOKE

I MEAN 

MAYBE I should look at it as 

NIGEL punking him

the audience loves

his rants, maybe

OR

Nigel and Michael are in cahoots 

to get his goat

it stresses me out

& I'm trying to 

UNDERSTAND 

HOW 

it makes SENSE 

I think it's gonna be 

Pete

that's my prediction 

I personally 

have no objections 

to any of them

&

MAYBE 

he would be better

as secretary of state 

or something 

BUT 

we'll see

SOON 

BUT 

I think 

they had Pete in mind

& they are

1) being hype-y

2) letting people sort out who they prefer*

*because they need to win, but I haven't seen anything that indicates he's not doing as well as any of the rest of them

I gotta plug in my phone 

I hope you are

having a beautiful day sweetheart ❤️

if you subscribe to 

BUTCHER box 

& you think 

you might want to try

the "ORANGE" smoothie packs

just be AWARE 

they taste like sweet potato 

I just threw them AWAY 

because I know 

I won't use them

BUT 

if you like sweet potato smoothie 

JUMP all over THAT 

TO BE CLEAR 

this EXPENSIVE pair of pants

was a GIFT

he didn't have to PAY for them

AND

they are CUSTOM tailored

& custom produced

BESPOKE 

as it were

WHY

is he basically 

sh*tting on the company 

and the people who gave home the pants 

why doesn't he wear them every time he golfs

and see how they hold up

OR

just not TAKE the free thing

clothes are expensive 

BESPOKE 

is gonna be 

MORE expensive 

I could see this RANT

if he thought the pants were gonna be free

& he had to pay for them

it just SEEMS really ungrateful to me

especially from

someone 

who is ALWAYS trying to get 

FREE stuff

SO many THINGS 

I think I feel you 

BUT 

MAYBE 

I'm just high

& I had an idea about my mom --

--- tell me a HAPPY story ---

I can't honestly believe 

that I haven't tried 

this before 

I suspect it was just so unuseful

that I scrubbed the record

BUT 

MAYBE I NEVER thought to ask that before 

I ALSO heard Gary numan

in cars

& I thought a lot

about 

HOW to describe the memories 

I have CODED in that song

AND

I REALIZED 

that I haven't THOUGHT 

ABOUT that stuff in so long that

I can't really put myself 

BACK in THAT 

mindset

It's NOT happy

I don't really want to describe 

the garbage sticking to my back

on the linoleum floor

was this HOT

I know I had a lot of complicated feelings 

I know NOW

HOW bad it was

BUT 

I think I KNEW at the time, too

& I can't remember 

SO

I'm KINDA 

triggered

BUT 

also kinda ok with not remembering 

I am not SURE that I'm SANE

BUT 

I don't feel like I'm the SAME person 

over time

I feel like I've shifted enough 

GRADUALLY 

that maybe I'm a completely different person 

I feel like I've said that before 

BUT 

we'll see how coherently 

I said it now

it's not FAIR to say

she didn't WORK on herself 

she absolutely DID 

she got a f*CKing 

MATH degree 

from RICE when it was FREE if you qualified 

& her family was I'm not SURE 

they had a roof over their heads

they had enough 

FOOD 

they made their own clothes 

she was one of the early computer programmers

BEFORE Y2K

they were trying to hire her

she SEEMED interested 

then quickly 

NEVER 

mentioned it again

BUT 

my point is

she's done incredible THINGS 

& she has

ZERO 

happy or inspiring stories, zero

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚

have I said anything 

TODAY

I took my mom to the doctor 

I was impressed with 

how well she did all that walking 

she does have a VERY light bruise on her leg

she has terrible bruises on her arm

from stuff she can't remember 

she's on blood thinners 

she told her cardiologist all about the fall

& he's LIKE 

they are gonna call you

with a rate your experience survey

TELL me about your 

SHORTNESS of breath 

TELL me about 

YOUR weight

ALSO 

she told the doctor 

that the guy just told her she would be okay

SO

MY guess is that they DID check her

it just didn't register with her

because 

I MEAN 

you'd need to at least fill out some kind

of accident form

LIABILITY 

besides it wasn't like

can you just look at my leg

it was

I wasn't treated right

& I need to rage

until I FEEL 

I'm not SURE 

because it never seems to go away

if it comes up

it's like the rage NEVER sleeps

it ALWAYS underneath 

I have to admit 

I REALLY 

LIKE 

Snoop 

I don't think I ever really listened to 

much of his music 

BUT 

I saw a video he posted 

SOMEWHERE 

he had to go out to his car

and sing 

LET it GO

&

then his calling t*ump the n-word

but like in the CONTEXT 

I'm not sure 

if everyone thinks he's the right choice 

BUT 

I REALLY like his 

ENERGY 

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚

I took that girl's advice 

I came in

from buying groceries 

& my mom was all LIKE 

BEFORE you do ANYTHING 

cut me the drumstick and thigh off that chicken 

AND BRING it to me 

NOW 

MAKE me 

some TEA

& I'm like this is pretty bad

I MEAN you MIGHT 

make the excuse that she's hungry 

BUT she just ate some yogurt 

LIKE an hour ago 

HOW hungry can she be

AND I thought about my trip to the grocery 

I went to whole foods 

because they have the stuff I wanted

& she had a list

that I helped her with

BUT 

I also got a couple extra things just for special 

I ENJOY doing things

to make people happy and even though 

I mentioned smothering 

in therapy 

AND 

I don't like her, I don't want her to be my mother*

*I didn't actually say that in therapy, I'm telling you 

BUT 

I'm picking up little treats for her

TRYING to make her life better 

BECAUSE 

I'm just wired that way

& I know she's f*CKed up which isn't her fault 

but she hasn't tried to fix herself 

and she's made

remarkable 

small changes

SO

I think I have some small HOPE 

of SOMETHING*

*I'm not sure what and I'm not sure how strongly I believe;  I want to walk away but I know I'm not done yet, and I don't know what I think is the right thing or if I will ultimately do the right thing 

SO I SAY

WHEN you talk to me LIKE THAT 

you make me FEEL 

like you don't THINK 

I'm 

HUMAN 

LIKE you think I'm 

your SLAVE 

which is maybe an exaggeration 

because I don't feel 

EXACTLY that way

WHAT I ACTUALLY FEEL 

is that I just spent TIME trying to make you HAPPY 

& I NOW understand that 

there is NO in there there

you say what you feel like is the thing that will get you what you WANT 

& THAT is really the only truth you have

SO, LET'S be CLEAR 

REMEMBER how I wasn't gonna be your SLAVE

THIS sh*t HERE is an EXAMPLE 

OF WHAT we will NOT 

be doing 

AND

MAYBE 

that was the right edit

because she said 

was it the TONE 

OR

the WORDS

to which I answered 

BOTH

I DID write a goodnight note

BUT 

apparently didn't publish it 

& maybe 

there's some reason 

for that

OR

MAYBE it's random 

there's some Saharan dust situation 

which is kicking my ass*

*not just mine

I FEEL overwhelmed 

her leg, to be clear

is DEFINITELY NOT broken

BUT 

she didn't have them check it

"because she can't think of everything"

I HOPE you are having a beautiful day sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶