trying on hats

i was trying on
some hats
or
caps
really
i don't tend to think
i look good in most hats
but i like them so i keep trying
cause i think maybe they might, ya know
and sometimes they do look good
and sometimes
sometimes i buy one
but then it's too funky
or anachronistic or whatever
so then i never wear it
just baseball caps, sometimes

anyway
i was trying on these caps
not ball caps
the kind i've seen some other girls wear
and i don't like them on them
so i don't even know
why
i was trying them on
just for comparison
i guess

and this girl was with me
i sorta don't like her
she's sorta a bitch
but what're ya gonna do

i asked her:
how does this hat look on me
bad huh

and she was all like:
no it's good

and i'm all:
do i look like a hipster

and shes:
more like maria von trapp from the sound of music

that thyroid stuff really works

i've been taking it
like three days
and i've lost six pounds
i'm opening the capsules
under my tongue
first thing in the morning
and they have dessicated glandular stuff
with rosemary
(and other stuff)
they kinda remind me of liver
but i have to take them on an empty stomach
and i know it takes capsules
more than 30 minutes to dissolve
and i eat breakfast now-a-days
so i gotta do it that way

but
i'm very excited
i am now
thirty pounds thinner than you have ever seen me
which is not to say thin
definitely a ways to go still
but i'm pretty pleased with the progress

and you should see my skin

i mean
it's not twenty year old skin

but it makes me smile anyway

and
how is it that when i was a kid
i had a posed smile i could do for pictures
but now i don't
i just have my real smile
and it squnches up my whole face
how the hell am i gonna get any head shots

i'm not sure that the dream is as interesting as the vision

in the dream
there was a wedding
and then there was some bizarre game
where everyone played in traffic
but the traffic was somehow in a field
and the end result was a disturbing number
of mutilated corpses
that needed to be
cleaned away
the bride
sat
dead
still
beautiful

and
i have no idea what any of that meant
but i have watched a few episodes of walking dead
which manages to be really visually excellent
which i would not have thought possible
so maybe that's influencing

but the reishi
i don't know
it's effecting my brain
when i was on anti-depressants
everything was always going to be fine
almost to the point where i could have been
looking at a severed limb and think:
wow
now i'll be able to lay on my side so much more comfortably
but
it was excellent as a short term thing
because it let me
bounce myself out of the grooves in my brain
it let me see how it was not to be
depressed
and when i went off em
i learned that it was maybe the anxiety
which i hadn't really realized i had
which was the bigger problem

and
when i was on weed
i spun myself out into the fabric of the universe
to the point where
i really felt i could astrally project myself
to where you were
see things with you
have you in my head
i had visions
but sometimes
sometimes
i couldn't remember the names of people i knew
i was literally too far out

then
through detoxifying my body
then learning to trust what it tells me
i've had this whole energetic burst
but
there hasn't been much interface
with the universal consciousness
out there
it's all been closer
electricity running through me
spontaneous energy orgasms
but i have very little success with masturbation
which
(to be honest)
i rarely even try
anymore
it's much less satisfying
than the energy orgasms i'm having spontaneously
and
for some reason
i can't have multiples when i'm masturbating
(no energy loop maybe?)
and the singles feel more like a body function
so they make me a little sad

there was a time
when i was convinced
(and i wasn't on weed for this)
that you were sending me thoughts
and i would run to the shower
convinced that you were there with me
in spirit
lean into the wall
and bite my arm to muffle the screams

and
what the reishi is doing
is something like
if the anti-depressants were a sane thing
everything is a little more meta
and it's not like:
oh everything is all okay
it's more like:
maybe
maybe that all was sort of just me
not that you don't exist
not even that you don't think things at me
but
maybe it isn't really a two way thing exactly
what would that mean about me
and my capacity for 3D fantasy
and how could i actively engage with that

does that make sense

not like an:
omg i've just been mind-fucking myself
i'm clearly delusional
why does this have to come from outside myself
i'm such a loser

which is how i might have looked at it

more like:
i'm uninvested in the answers
because if i'm crazy
or have superpowers
or the ways those things manifest have changed
i'd like to use the information to have a lucid experience

i got a thyroid supplement
because i have actually known i had low thyroid activity
most of my life
but it was never low enough to medicate
and i wouldn't really want to medicate
but i decided it needed attention
and i think that decision was the reishi talking
not just the desire to have lost 100 pounds

blah blah blah
the visions are thin on the ground
generally
but last night
i had a sort of visitation
which could totally be the state between awake and asleep
but i had something that felt real
it was my son
and i was calling him zeke
which is a name i've always really liked
but it's not like i thought:
oh i'll call him zeke
i'm not even sure if i'd name him zeke
(it rhymes with geek
is that really wise)
but somehow that was his name
and he hovered around me
and then he went inside me
like:
here's a little preview for both of us
of how gestation might feel
we'll be psychically linked
only it wasn't words or anything
it was very strange but cool
he's really old but really new at the same time
and maybe
he's just a
potential reality
can't say
if so
he wants to be potentiated
he sought me out
bonded with me
but there is an element of fantasy
at least after the fact
because i see him now
[in my mind's eye]
with your beautiful soulful eyes
and that floppy green hat

this holds the spot for something i haven't written yet

there's a lot going on in there
(my head i mean)
and i have to get up early
i feel altered by the reishi
and lack of sleep
so we'll see
if
i dream

i'm reading this again today

and
i'm sorry
if it's scary
on oh so many levels

i don't mean for it to be

i just know that i can be difficult

i wasn't trying to make you the keeper of my

experience


what i was trying to say
was more like:

it's okay to tell me

you don't ever need to just shut down and tune out


or whatever
does that make sense

i would never say:

make it stay this way forever

it hasn't even been the same way for this amount of time

whatever

i need to shut up

i'm not sure if this is interesting

i ordered this slightly freaky food

dried hunza apricots
apricot kernel butter
reishi/shilajit/ormus tea

and i totally love them

i was going to do this cleanse
but i couldn't get all the elements together
and maybe, too, it was a little too weird

so
what i've ended up doing:

toast (hemp or multi-grain)
with apricot kernel butter
unfortunately
it needs a buttery flavor to make it delicious
so i'm cheating with smart balance light
my original plan was to eat it on celery
which tasted pretty disgusting as a combination
i love celery now, weird huh, didn't used to

i read this thing
about how cancer is really like
scurvy or pernicious anemia
(a metabolic illness)
and the remedy is B17
(which might be true, or not, can't say)
and we get B17 from seeds and pits and kernels
which we pretty much never eat

so i'm doing the toast thing for breakfast
the dried apricots and celery for snack or lunch
depending
i've got to figure out something to go on the celery
i don't like peanut butter
and i cannot have hummus with every meal
i mean
i could but i'm trying not to
i have my eye on this fermented kelp product i just found
and black sesame butter
but i don't have them yet

the tea tastes kind of like coffee, kind of
but i've been mixing the powder
(it's a powder)
into my pu'ehr tea
and i love it
hopefully it won't overstimulate my spleen or whatever

and i sometimes find myself
thinking
of special foods
i imagine would be extra special healing for you
which, for me, is maybe freakishly domestic
but then i think:
he probably won't want to eat for healing
which makes me sad
because i'm a believer

but that whole wanting to make you special food stuff
scares me, to be honest
i've never never ever not once in my life
had a relationship where i did that type of thing
i've done it (sometimes) for myself
but the idea that my desirability as a mate
might rest on having the dinner ready at a particular time
freaks me the fuck out


and i generated all of that
it came from
wanting to do for you

which i want you to let me
but not that you demand it of me
and would you
my gut feeling is no
or yes
what i mean is
that you'd kinda roll with it
that you know too
how that stuff
can be a comfort and a joy
when it comes from love and fun
but that it's a cold comfort trap
when it becomes an institution

mostly
mostly i don't think about that kind of stuff
mostly
i have focused on whether we will be compatible
in other ways
the ones i think are way more important

but i was thinking the other day
and i want to tell you:
the normal average person does not get to have
the moon-eyed goofy teen-aged quaking type of love
for years with the same person
they do not get to develop that love
so that life becomes a story
that you want to read the next chapter
that you never want to end
and i've had that
and i don't know
how much of that was me
how much of that was you
how much of that was fate
i question my sanity
frequently
but i never question
whatever this is
and i'm serious
whatever it is
i don't want it to ever end

so do me a solid
and don't ever let me ruin it
ok

i'm not sure when or where this started

i know
the origin
of some of the bits
but it would take too long

and i'm not one hundred percent sure where
this might all take place, i mean, it seems
to be near the sea, but it seems to be some
where desert-y

and the house is stucco or something like it
a long rectangular room
fireplace
kilim rugs
a large dog
maybe a wolfhound
or something like
the house is on a promontory
and it's the kind of deserted landscape
where one leaves the doors open
and the wind whips through

i have angora goats
i make cheese from the milk
there are fig trees
and i have a small garden

my dog and i
take long walks along the sea
which is not an ocean with big rolling waves

there is almost no furniture in the house
i think there's a long table against one wall
the kitchen and bathroom are
i think
physically separated
from the room which is the rest of the house
and the bed
is a built in niche
that separates the big room
from a small study
that you only reach by getting out the other side of the bed
i don't know if that describes it
the bed is draped off too

it's very stark
and
solitary
and i think i only go into town
every once in a while
to sell wool
or cheese
or pick up supplies

and
now that i'm thinking about it
there doesn't seem to be any obvious way
to incorporate other people into the fantasy

do you suppose
that really
it's more of
an inner landscape

or do you suppose
that i really
am
that much
of a hermit

i have been thinking about my dream life and wondering if i'd be any good at it-- i'm gonna go take a bath and come up with something coherent

to say about that
or
possibly
something else entirely

scribbling

be safe
where
ever
u
r
u
r
loved

this might be interesting, or it might not

i look for signs

and
really
i think they are better
when taken
as they occur

naturally
or whatever

but
sometimes
okay
maybe often
i try to ask for signs

which is one thing
when i'm asking for a sign
but
is a different sort of thing
when i'm saying something like:
if x is true
then show me a pregnant woman in a pink shirt
if y is true
then show me someone in a buc-ee shirt

and then i see a pregnant woman
in a burgundy shirt
and i'm like:
hey, that's not really pink
so then i see one in a sort of mauve sweater
and i'm like:
that's not really pink either
and i picture the pink in my head
and then i see a pregnant woman
in exactly that shade of pink
and i'm all like:
good that thing i wanted to be true
is so totally true

and then two days later
i see a tween in a buc-ee shirt
and i'm like:
crap
i can't remember what that was supposed to mean
but i think it was somehow contradictory to the pink shirt thing
and i mean
the pink shirt thing was
about my being able to have a baby
and the buck-ee shirt was somethin to do with beaver
but i can't remember what
and
there was a canadian coin with a beaver on it too
so
does that constitute sign of the beaver
or what

and then i have to
stop
and wonder if i'm all crazy and shit
but if you're worried about it
then you're not
right
whatever
crazy
not crazy
i just really want to remember what the buc-ee shirt means

happy thanksgiving

you know how people have a ton of left-overs after thanksgiving

well
i've never actually cooked a solo thanksgiving dinner before
and
while
if i'm cooking for me
i would know
i could eat one sweet potato
or a bag of brussel sprouts
and maybe somethin else small-ish
when i'm making
thanksgiving dinner
i apparently think
eight sweet potatoes
two bags of brussel sprouts
a pumpkin and half an acorn squash
and
five quarts of sorta french onion soup
seems about right

it doesn't even look like i've eaten any of it
i'll be eating this shit all week
good lord
what did i think i was doing

on the plus side
it was all really tasty
except
the soup wants rosemary

the sweet potatoes were the best thing
i learned from my past experience
this time i soaked the apricots overnight
and pureed them in the blender
before trying to mix them in
and pecan butter is delicious
and i had that maple syrup left over from the master cleanse
but they are really rich
so
it's good that they are delicious
because i have at least ten servings left

when i finish up this food
i think i'm gonna do some sort of cleanse
but i haven't decided what kind yet



i hope your day was everything
you could have wanted it to be

hey

i've had a really strange day

i can't remember my dreams
so i don't know if they were
strange
but
all day
i've been kinda twitchy
and
like a space cadet
and
sometimes
i wonder
when
i have some reaction to the world
that just sorta seems to come from
some
something
out there somewhere

i wonder
and maybe i should think i'm crazy for wondering
if it's got something to do with how things are with you

there are ways
in which i have never felt
as connected to you
as i did before
before something
someone
happened
like
maybe you can only be spread so thin
but
maybe
i just feel
something different than i did
and so i experience things differently
maybe i'm more psychically shut off
for sure
i'm less open
since i don't get high
i used to do that
pretty much every day
but i stopped that
a month or so before the cigarettes
and it's been
like about three times since then

i know i feel you sometimes
know when you read something i've written
but
like today
i wonder if you were having some sort of agitation
or if that's all just some unexplained brain chemistry for me
i don't know
and
i'm not saying
it's a vital national security issue either way
it just interests me

i also wonder sometimes
if you have any physical reactions from any sort of psychic link
maybe you don't
maybe
it's all conceptual to you
and that's okay too

really
conceptual
is already so much more
than i've ever found before
and you might say:
well, maybe you didn't really look that hard
and
maybe you'd be right
i wasn't really open to it
i like to do stuff alone
when i was travelling around alone
that was fun for me
i really enjoy my own company
eating out alone
people are embarrassed to do that
i love it
sometimes i try to fantasize about what it would be like to
live with you
and, really
i think you probably have a full dance card
are out doing things all the time
and maybe that'd be great
or maybe it wouldn't

maybe
and this seems likely
we'd have some period of adjustment
figuring out how to have together time and alone time
and if we were really lucky
it would sync up in a way that we both loved
i've never had that though

i picture you
not talking
much of the time
and i wonder
am i then running off to the computer
to write you things
maybe
and
at this point
i'd sorta hate to lose this
and maybe that's the craziest thing of all

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

i'm at this concert

the really strange thing
is
that there is
like a sports announcer
but not sports
you know
because
it's
music

but this guy
he's really famous
and old
and
at first
he doesn't like it
this music that's playing

it's too fragmentary
in it's melodic signatures
and it's unlike
the musician's other work

but i'm listening
and i'm hearing
like
the negative space
and
some sort of
underlying structure

this is kinda hard to explain

anyway
it's genius
breakthrough
somehow
the step he always needed to take
and
i'm blown away
and just frantically thinking at the commentator

just listen

and
finally
he does
and he says
pretty much all that stuff i just said
only better, clearer, golden, so the world knows

and
then
there was a really bizarre section
something to do with cake

i don't have time now, but later, i will write my dream from last night

and maybe some ramblings
depends
the dream
might be hard to decipher
but
definitely
somethin
for you later

the menu

so i'm testing recipes
and
brussel sprouts with chestnuts
rocks so hard
it's almost thanksgiving all by itself
i was pretty happy with preliminary rice
which i made without the thick shitake core
(to save a bunch of time
and cause i wanted to try
my walnut butter and brown rice vinegar sour cream)
do not scoff
it has changed my life
i use it in creamy salad dressing
and taco salad
and now
if i want a cream of mushroom soup rice
(yes my mother liked to cook with campbell's soup)
so sue me
i still miss that chicken/rice/cream of mushroom soup thing
occasionally
but
i think the rice is overkill
especially if i'm having bread
that's double grain
unnecessary
i'm also toying with the idea
of pecan butter in the sweet potatoes
with or without the dried apricots
i won't have time to test that
but
i'm pretty sure i made it with apricots before
a really really long time ago
and my recollection is
wow that was a lot of work
and
really
marshmallows are tastier
so
i was thinking
maybe pecan butter has a more similar flavor profile
i just thought about the apricots
because i've been reading about the hunzas' diet lately

http://www.alkalizeforhealth.net/Lhunzadiet2.htm

so ideally
it would be apricot pit butter
but i can't get that except online
(i don't think)
i just keep trying to figure out something cranberry
i have this thing i eat pretty regularly:
grapefruit + shred coconut + goji berries + shred wheat
(grapefruit is one of my favorite foods has been since forever)
and, if i ever associated those fruit salad-y things with tg
i'd totally throw in cranberries and call it a day
but i never did
and double grains
and desert seems like the obvious cranberry place
since it won't go with anything
but
no no no no no no
wait
i got it
cranberry-type kir/mimosa-y things
like a champagne punch
totally
i was gonna have that
14 hands
hot to trot
washington state red blend
and i still might, too
you should really try it
it's only like $9 a bottle
and it is seriously some of the best stuff going
i don't really need pie
if i'm having pecan butter in my yams
not really
i really want biscotti
but i think i'm unlikely to start making biscotti
for the first time
on thanksgiving
and
it's not very nutrient dense
and
it takes a long time

actually i just looked it up
and it doesn't take that long
so i make it on monday
it's not nutrient dense
but it is hella lowfat
and i love to dunk it in coffee

i don't know
i think a holiday
needs a special desert

will have to finish this later

i had this incredible dream

i got a job

at

quasi national geographic

there were yeti to pet

i was all

freshfaced and collegiate

with a ponytail

jogging

it was

so

much

fun

well it started out as last nigh't dream

i know there was college
again
i've just about decided
college
must be short hand
in my mind
for learning
or something like that
but
i don't think it's conceptually that simple

anyway
i'm studying english now
i guess
but i don't think i'm satisfied
with english
i think
i think
it's a little stuffy

i meet this woman
she's a professor
and she taught for years
in paris
but
she had this mode of dress
it looks like some
somewhat bizarre fetish-wear
but it is
in some ways
really more a form of observance
her outfit
skin tight
her breasts
constrained
reformed
shaped
like hammerheads
frightening

one day
she wanted to stop
but the parisian school
had too much invested in her mystique
which i remember thinking
was kind of style over substance
and camile paglia came to mind
but she wanted to escape
from the trap she had made for herself
grow beyond her hammertits and nailed down rhetoric

and i met her then

and everything about her
flickered
like an old silent film
and

there was this image

she was kissing
someone else was kissing
in the dark
flickering
overlapping
the image folded in upon itself
and then they were kissing
but they weren't

it was art
film
multi media
conceptual

i'm not even sure what to call it

a shadow play
butterfly erotic


and did you know how much i wanted to throw you against a wall
and ravish you when you said you would rue it
i think you did
and you didn't want me too
or maybe you did
did want me to
but you always
want me to stop
you give
quite a clear
actually
it isn't clear at all
at first
i thought it was fear
and maybe
it is a little
but
i think
it's more like
i'm burning you
hurting you
you need to be three rooms away
safe
and
i don't know
that was a long time ago now


but i spend a lot of time
trying to imagine
something
anything
i can do
to

seduce you

i feel this need

to gentle you somehow
to get the yes vibration that i need

but then
too
i get this really strong
rip the damn band-aid off vibration
which makes me uncomfortable for two reasons
it kinda turns me off
and
if i'm wrong
it's all ruined
and
if it's all gonna be ruined
i want it to have been
something i wanted to do
which
as soon as you're backing away
it isn't

i know what your lips will feel like
but your tongue is a mystery to me
it seems to me
suddenly
when i imagine french kissing you
that i am perhaps
too aggressive
i haven't had a lover who wasn't passive
for like 17 years

you wouldn't know how to approach me
and i wouldn't know how to tell you to

but i have these fantasies
where you unequivocally stake your claim
and tell me how you're going to fill me with your seed
sometimes with hair pulling
and admonitions about keeping you waiting so long

i have other ones too

and sometimes you're not active
but i would never say you're passive
you always have passion for me
you always want me

you look at me across a room
and say:
i need you
and
she clenches involuntarily

but you'll deny me too
have no idea what i'm talking about
and
psychologically
you know what the most obvious reason for that is, right
but it doesn't fit the pattern

if we had done it
the first night i met you
maybe it would have been great
or maybe not
but i doubt it would have led to the great passion of my life

which you are
so much more now
than when i first told you

the love has seasoned
like a cast iron skillet

you'd think i'd have a better grasp of the cooking

just a little snatch of dream

you looked
just like
someone
i can't remember who
not like yourself, really
but not unlike
either
there was some
component
animal magnetism
a lankiness
that you have
maybe
more in my mind
than in reality
in the dream
you were some actor
i don't much like actors
as a rule
but
that wasn't bothering me

we were at a party
trying to be alone
in a group
and
we were succeeding
we were mingling
working the group
but we were so locked
energetically
it was like we were

you know

right there
in the middle of everyone
but no one could see

i didn't look like me either

while you had that:
you know what they say about thin guys thing
pulsing around you
i
was
i'm not even sure how to describe me
venus on the half shell
a sunflower
glowing
not some mata hari
not some barbie doll
but i'd have to call me femininealthough
i hate that word
it was a really good thing
as illustrated
in the dream

and

at one point

we were standing
close to one another

maybe we were even talking to other people

and i felt you


like a key
in the lock


and
it took my breath away

i just realized something

i have no idea whatsoever
what
i'm going to eat for thanksgiving

it was really my only holiday

and i'm not sure how it works now

i might have gotten tofurky
if it had happened earlier in my food journey
but
i'm now feeling
that processed soy fake meat
is worse
than carcass

and
i mean
i could just eat the turkey
festival meat seems to make some sense
and i eat fish
sometimes
so
what's the big deal
but

i don't want to have a feeding frenzy

i don't want to eat that stuff or that way

maybe someday

but i'm not far enough removed from it
not yet

but
it's my one holiday

and
maybe
it just comes off as whine-y
(if so that isn't how i mean it)
these are choices i am making, not restrictions
i'm not all orthorexic
or whatever
i'm mostly eating what i feel drawn to
which varies
but
i feel repelled by the idea
of turkey
or tofurky


i keep thinking it'll come to me
but i'm gonna have to shop soon

isn't that weird

how do you celebrate a festival to stuffing your face
when you don't like to do that anymore

i thought about fasting
but that seems too reactionary

so i can go
harvest festival
with squash and root vegetables and whatever
or i can go
raw mock turkey loaf
(which i got a whole foods and it's delicious)
but i have not perfected making it yet

it needs to be all special and ritual-y
not just something that tastes good

maybe some sort of mushroom rice for earthiness
and sweet potato baked with apricots for sweetness
maybe some sort of soup served in a small baked pumpkin for savoriness
and seeduction bread with a little goat cheese schmear

does that hold together, i'm not sure

and what about a green vegetable
brussel sprouts with chestnuts
that sounds good
and seems seasonal
i'm tempted to go asparagus but that's spring, right

is that all too heavy
or just the right amount of heavy
it doesn't seem right
but i'm not sure what's wrong with it

i looked to see what movies were out and i saw/ that they made a film/ of for colored girls

which i may
or may not
go see
i'm not sure yet
but
it did make me remember something
i had forgotten

ntozake shange
she taught at the university i attended
and
i signed up for an acting class she taught
i wasn't really wanting to act
so much
i just wanted to study something with her
and
blah blah blah
i'd had intro to theater
where we did some improv and shit
i figured i could handle it
although
the thing that i do
i think i already knew
wasn't acting, exactly

so i show up to class
and we do improv
and i'm supposed to be standing at a bus stop
and
when it's over
she uses what i did
as an example

of business
(little physical shit you do to fill in the space)

and i think:
well
maybe that's good
or maybe that's bad
but it's not nothing
so
cool

but then she starts talking about her philosophy

how she had a girl once
who was supposed to be playing
downtrodden
and she just wasn't believable
cause
ya know
she was all like
upper middle class
and pampered
and shit

so the way
ms shange
got her to the place she needed her to be
for the performance
was to improv

a gang rape

and then
you know
they had to calm her down
for about an hour
but she never came across all privileged
anymore



and it was all i could do
to stay in the room
until the end
of that
day


i ran
not walked
to drop that class


acting
wasn't an art
i wanted to suffer for
and
i figured i
really knew
all i
needed
to know
about
ms
shange

my thoughts are so scattered

i keep thinking
all these fragmentary thoughts
i keep not being able to remember my dreams
i've been exposed
and exposed
to illness
and
i'm not exactly getting sick
it's really weird
my glands in my throat are swollen
have been for almost a week
and i have been having headaches
it's like i'm processing the toxins
but it's very different
and my brain has been functioning differently

i need to go to sleep now
so i have to make this short-ish

i've been thinking about
fantasies
that i had
at various times
over the last few years
and becoming
overstimulated

one involves breast milk
and you
and i wonder
i wonder a lot
how out there you might be
or maybe not
maybe
when i mention all the freaky things i mention
that seem pretty normal to discuss
which for me
are
inextricably grounded
in theory
identity politics
whatever
but
how would i know
maybe
you have completely different frames of reference

and
hey
i'm getting
that most people must not start off
with all the boxes they don't want to be put in
but i felt more comfortable with that than
i would have with building myself a box and labeling it

and
it's totally ok if i'm not making any sense
i'm running with it
i'm sorta sick and stuff

i just have all these puzzle pieces
and rather than focusing on the bit of picture
that i can see
i've been focusing on the other stuff

in some way i guess i haven't done before
not just filling in the picture
i guess
maybe

what are the things
you think
but
don't say
or maybe
you don't have a million things buzzing around in your head
maybe
it's all imediate and tactile

i have this fear
that i inspire love but not desire
but i'm not sure if it has it's basis in reality
and part of me is very concerned about that
and part of me isn't

and all this
remarkably
as crazy-making as it sounds
has me in a semi-constant state of arousal

and i think:
what if
what if he's much less complex than you think he is
what if he's provincial
and then i shift everything around in my head

it's like i suddenly realized
how much there still is to learn

i found this, and since i threw out the whole dom thing a while back...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EeidIZvh7zg

i don't enjoy psychological control
so i can't see myself as a dom
or a sub
for that matter

i was very attracted to the concept
of negotiation
and consent

i like the aspect of role play that brings out
the bits and pieces of who one is
but the idea of scripting
doesn't seem improv enough to be real life like
but the idea
just the idea
of knowing
exactly what a lover needs
not so much physically, really
i mean to work through something
or get at some layer of desire or kink or whatever

that seems to me to be the opposite of psychological control
but maybe it's not
maybe that is some sort of control
i don't know

i haven't really done as much of that
as i think i'd like
but i don't want
ever
to feel like i'm forcing anything
i find that like a super yuck

but you see the perspective, right


i have had a few submission fantasies
well, no, maybe just one
that i would call actual submission
and it's very halloween actually
i've had it since i was maybe 13 or so
before i read the claiming of sleeping beauty series
i'm in a ritual
with witches
running in circles
dancing around a fire
and they pick me up
bodily
i've completely submitted to the frenzy
and they impale me on
it varies

strangely
when i was in germany
in some museum i now can't remember which
there was this carved wooden sculpture
with an enormous phallus
and i had this really strong reaction to it
like i recognized it
like it was calling to me

i dreamed i was in college, again, but i was all buying tshirts and halloween cookies and taking comfort in p.e.--weird, huh

was that last dream too freaky and intense

what does it mean when you dream about shampoo

this was a very
i don't want to say pleasant
because pleasant is so banal
and what i mean to say
i woke up with good feelings about it
even though
there are
things
it connects to
that arc across my mind like a splatter map

i have a history with shampoo dreams

you know how some people have the dream of teeth falling out

well, i had the dream of the nair in the shampoo


but this dream didn't call that back at all
i was in a really large
beautiful shower
which reminded me of somewhere
just off the edge of the horizon of identification
a little like the gym
(but not really)
a little like the place i stayed once in big sur
with the heated stone floor
and the fireplace
i don't know if it was off season pricing or what
but i seriously thought:
man this is like where you'd stay on your honeymoon, or some shit

whatever

it was a really nice shower
in no way dirty or broken or with people looking in at me
like i might expect from my subconscious mind

the shampoo was wonderful
and i have been using this liquid soap lately
that might be influencing this part
it has volcanic ash and goji and acai because it's detox
but it's beautiful
smells beautiful
whatever

but, in the dream, it's a shampoo
and i'm listening
as i lather
to the radio

this woman is talking about
how she had never washed her baby daughter's hair
until she was like a year old
she just used water
because
the experts told her
shampoo was too harsh
but she found this shampoo
(which i believe was the one i was using in the dream)
and she wished she had found it sooner
because she thought her daughter's hair
might be better today
if she had been using it all along
and i'm all like:
yeah, i coulda told you that

which is strangely like a commercial

and
there are all these mixed feelings
longing, ambivalence, doubt, jealousy
that go along with this mother daughter action
almost like i know this woman
even though she's just on the radio
it's like i hate this woman for having something, that
let's be honest
i'm not sure i can really have
but
at the same time
i push it away
i distance myself from it
make myself all superior
in a kind of unattractive way

but i'm not feeling any of that stuff
i just know about it intellectually
what i'm feeling
is the shampoo
the feel of it
the smell
the beautiful shower
all that other stuff is on the radio

maybe it's just that i got a new mineral water that
as it turns out contains
lithium

maybe
i'm letting go of some stuff
i'm never gonna be one of those ivf women
but i've made a lot of changes on the back of being a worthy vessel
and there's a big part of my rational mind that needs to know
that i don't just implode
if what i'm being led to
doesn't turn out to be what i thought
that i'm not some hollow shell of broken-ness
that can pull her shit together for the love of some other
that's going to fill the empty space
but can't
or won't
heal herself
for herself

and
i choose to see the joy of cleanliness
as a really good sign
all that other stuff
it's out there
it's real
but it's not in me
it's just a voice on the radio

i'll have to add to this later

i don't really have time to do this properly right now
but i want to get some stuff down before it's gone
i've already almost forgotten it

i was working in some office
but there were desk stations
like customer service or something

i was cleaning
and straightening
organizing
whatever
there were stacks of wine spouts
and divided dishes that look like boats
like at the japanese restaurant
and wadded up kleenexes
(that's probably because i've been around a lot of sick people recently)
and i'm trying not to get sick
but i feel my space is contaminated

and i was talking to this woman
and she said:
i love sweden
there are 68 husbands for every 100 men
whatever that means
but then she started talking about you
specifically
all the little things she found physically attractive about you
and it made me
i won't say exactly jealous
cause she's got every right to worship you
like everyone else
but it did make me all like:
yeah yeah next topic
i don't wanna hear this
and besides
it's not even about that

but then i couldn't work
i just kept wandering around
collecting candles
and things to put candles into
i guess
for some big romantic shindig with you

that's what people use candles for right

but they aren't better
it's not better
with that soft candlelight and rose petal action
i'm not about that

i like fire to be
more stark
and

went a few rounds with ernest today-- walking to island in the stream

i decided
to walk to whole foods
and carry my groceries back
which i thought was about 2 miles each way
except i took the long way there, apparently
so it was 4 miles there...

i was listening to island in the stream

and when i came out of whole foods
with my abbreviated groceries
because i was going to have to schlep em

i didn't realize i had gone 4 miles
i just felt really bad about myself
because
i didn't think
i could do that again

so i thought
well
there's a bus stop about a mile away
i'll just walk there
feeling really bad about being a failure

but
on the way to the bus stop
davey wrestled the fish for 5 hours
i cried

so when i got to the bus stop
i was like:
really
after that
you're gonna prove yourself a pussy

so i walked the rest of the way
which
the way i went back
was only 2
carrying
maybe 20

last night's dream was like some sorta project for my subconscious

there was this kid
late teens or early twenties
he was some sort of
chosen one
or future superhero
i kept seeing him
almost as a cartoon
in stealth mode
blending into his surroundings

he lived with these old old arabic men
who mostly never talked
they might have been brothers
or they might not
and i'm not really sure how many of them there were
there was a phone call:
happy 50th anniversary
but the wife had left long ago
and he'd never mentioned it to his friend and family
didn't answer them now
just nodded and hung up the phone

another man was being tortured to reveal the location of the kid
first they cut notched doilies from his ears
then they burned him with a red hot poker
then they destroyed his genitals
and when he didn't talk then
they shot him in the head
and the kid was outside watching
his body the starry sky


wow, i said, i need to figure out the back story on the protectors
so i went to the information center
there weren't any computers anymore
the center took it's place
but i didn't really understand how it worked
i went in
there were childcraft yearbook encyclopedias
and other amazing detritus
i sat down
this woman sat down next to me
she started telling me about this magazine she had
it didn't sound like it had anything i could use
but she wanted to sell it bad
she wanted 54 cents
so i gave it to her
and she's all like:
not like that they'll see
but i was not hip, because, like i said, i didn't understand how it worked
they saw
she said:
keep it
and ran out
i started looking around to see how to fix whatever i'd done
the center controlled information
and they'd sell you an article for 6 dollars
copied
you couldn't buy the magazines at any price
they were brought in to the center
by desperate people who would trade them for drugs
or violent criminals who used their collection
as an excuse for their violence
and were rewarded in some way by the center
i walked out
and it was like they could smell the magazine on me
i'm not sure if i made it through alive


there was a further exploration of the world
there was a coffee shop run out of an old victorian row house
and i was discussing business with a customer
i had these popsicle things i thought would be a huge success

there was another part
to do with a restaurant
more like a dining hall
which reminded me of
the macrobiotic center the hare krishnas ran where i'm from
but i can't remember most of it
i remember i found a cafeteria line
at an adjacent building
that had egg custard
which was my favorite dessert as a kid
but there was a bunch of really good information
about how the world worked
that i just can't remember


and then i was running
and screaming
and jumping
because i was so excited
because it was snowing

the maid of the mist was a landmark on the 10

i was riding with this chick
who
in the dream
i knew
she was driving
we were on the 10
in california
i'm not sure
california has
for me
all these very distinct vibes
it was past the desert part
which i find beautiful
especially in the morning
the towns mar it up a bit more than seems
strictly speaking
necessary
but that long stretch
where you're like
holy fuck
am i gonna run out of gas
is amazing
(as long as you actually got gas)
then
it enters this phase
which is distinctly suburb-y to me
it reminds me of the 101
up by salinas
not like the parts of the 101
that run
through old farmland
that has a completely different vibe
anyway
suburban 10
but
i'm pretty sure
that part
is before you get to san bernadino
where it starts feeling more like
the suburbs
i'm used to
on steroids
with air you can't see through
so maybe
it's more of an inland empire thing
than
strictly speaking
a suburban thing
there's some traffic usually
and all these bits
where you can scrape off
to different places
than you mean to go
and
i don't like to stop
because
i worry
i'll end up on the wrong bit
before the thing i'd call a valley
which probably isn't one
where everyone drives 100 mph
so i'm guessing there's never any CHP there
i've driven through that
when shit was on fire
it's beautiful
and it's shortly after that
when i usually stop
at ihop or somewhere
in
i wanna say
west covina
to let the traffic die down
before driving in to the city
so i guess
i'm dreaming about the california highway system
which is not usual for me
but
it was at that first place
maybe around redlands
that the maid of the mist appeared
off the side of the highway
enormous
at the top of a pole
canoe and all
how had i never seen her before
she was the landmark
we were changing highways
and i wanted to drive on through
but
that chick was all like:
we have already gone 700 miles today
we are stopping for the night


i don't know what to make of all that
usually
in dreams
the freeways
and streets
and whatever
are different
from things in the real world

and where would that put us heading
big bear
barstow
the cajon pass

and 700 miles
that puts us starting out from
roughly
el paso

i don't know

maybe the more important question:
why is this other chick driving
oh
because she knew the way
i had never seen
the big giant indian princess
any time
i'd driven by

maybe it's telling me to read the signs

i don't really understand the dosha system, but i dreamed i was drinking this beautiful red wine and it was called dosha

stuff and more stuff

i had this dream last night
i don't think it meant anything
i mean
i don't think it's trying to tell me anything
but
when i woke up
i had this strong sense
that it needed to be a short story
somehow
although
it doesn't seem to lend itself to linear storytelling

this woman is studying a czechoslovakian film
and she gets drawn into the story
which seems
in some ways
anachronistic
so she starts relating it to other things
so
i think
it's mostly
her
talking to herself
but i'm not sure
that doesn't seem like much of a story
but
maybe it is
i don't know what she thinks yet
she's a character

one of the characters in the film
he raises horses
and he has some theory categorizing them by personality type

he's talking to an older woman
who seems to be a politician

in the early morning hours
after a fundraising type event
they seem as though they might
be hooking up
and the woman says:
my supporters are going to miss breakfast

or something like that


the character watching the film
is watching it late at night
on some sort of goggles
there is an overlay of annotation
or commentary
or something
compressed like subtitles
and they are complicating her viewing
rather than making it clearer

she's sitting at a table
and there is a man
maybe her boyfriend
at first snoring
then sleepily talking to her
from the bed nearby
it is a small apartment

and
somehow
i have to work
3 billy goats gruff into the story
i can't really remember that story
i think
i'm confusing it with the bremen musicians
which i also don't remember that well
i don't know why i think i must work that in


what i don't have
that seems like it should be the central thing
is what the hell the story is telling
shouldn't that be important
why am i telling this story
what is it's point
i don't know
i just feel
like
it is a story i'm supposed to write

weird, huh

i had the worst dream last night

there was a bunch of not bad stuff
but
the
bad was brutal

i was talking to this woman
she was an iridologist
and she looked into my eyes
intensely
and
she told me:

you have stomach cancer

now
it's not so much
that i believe in iridology
i don't know enough about it to know
but i'm inclined not to give it much credibility

but
it freaked me the fuck out

i woke up
and
i had a hard time going back to sleep

because
why would i tell myself that
if there was nothing
wrong with me

and
my mother's mother
when she finally went to the doctor
was full up with cancer
which
we're not sure
but
it probably started in her stomach

really really bad dream

trying to sort out dreams

but one thing is clear

something is up with dolphins

i'm not sure if it's the miami dolphins
or actual dolphins
but i'm going with miami
because
it was on hats
and there were other football teams too

i don't dream about football
generally

but i had that dream about three days ago
and all the dreams i've had have been confusing
and layered

last night
something about a baby
but it changed into
a hand held electronic device
with the grown up person talking to me
and a journey
and laundry
and showers
in roadhouses
where i stayed on the road
and these pills
that looked like little green berries
that you can buy at the eckerds
for cheap
and they perfectly replace milk thistle

so somethings tumbling and churning around in there

but maybe it's just
some of it
a sports prediction
but i was wearing more than one hat
and the dolphins were on top

boxes,cds, snow...and fire

last night's dream had a lot of elements
some of them really cool
some of them mildly upsetting
taken as a whole
i'm not sure what it means
and i was tempted
just to edit out
everything that wasn't overtly good
but it was all so weird
i figure it probably all means something

i was working someplace
and it kinda kept morphing during the dream
first, i think, it was some sort of retail shop
and we were always having to look through boxes
for things we needed
but
we didn't really need them
so
we were streamlining
and
in the process of doing that
we were automating systems online
so that gave us an excuse to be online
and this girl i knew well in the dream
who i don't actually know in real life
found this cd
by that musician
it was a project he did with a female musician
who in the dream is really famous
but who i've never heard of in real life
and the cd was being sold to raise funds for some project
and was really a good price
so we were excited about both ordering it


there was something i was trying to get to
and that kinda morphed too
now i was working in a coffee shop
and it was a movie i was trying to get to
i took the handset from the phone with me
so i could stay in touch
because i left early
i drove down a street by now familiar in my dreams
but which doesn't resemble anything from waking life
i felt guilty about leaving work
i got to the movie
i checked the phone
it wasn't working
i was sitting in the dark theater
about to watch this show
which was really important to me for some reason
but then i got this really strong sense
that something was wrong at work

i went back to work
only now it was a gallery space
there was a schizophrenic woman
or at least i thought in the dream that she was
who wouldn't come out of the restroom
because that was the only safe place
there were malevolent spirits:
kickers
everywhere else in the building
periodically
after much knocking
she'd stick her head out
declare it unsafe
and lock herself back in
after being back a few minutes
i realized she wasn't crazy
there was something going on
and the gallery emptied of people
got darker
i could see the dark energy
and i asked her:
are you sure it's still safe in there
and she came out
and then
i did this:
i assumed this pose
legs apart, knees bent
arms out to the sides
eyes closed
i entered the flow of the energy
but didn't let it enter me
i felt around for what was there with my mind
i sorta locked frequency with it
and screamed
but mentally
not audibly
on a frequency that would shatter it
when i opened my eyes
it was snowing

inside the gallery


that was the coolest bit
and this next bit
i'm not sure what to make of
i go from being this kinda powerful whatever
to
i have ten minutes to get back to the movie
only now it isn't a movie
it's that musician
the one i ordered the cd from
and he's doing this
what i guess i'd have to call a performance art piece
there are all these pieces of film (or something)
hanging on the wall
but maybe they aren't film
maybe they are something else
because i am expecting them to make music
or pictures
or something
and just pieces of film wouldn't do that
so i'm not sure this makes a lot of sense
someone at my table is talking to me
this musician apparently has a new cd
something that started as just like a
whatever you call a disc with just like four tracks
i can't think of what you call that now
but it, his concept, kept growing
and now
it was being released
and being considered
opus
i was looking at it
it seemed thick
but i'm not sure if it was two discs
or had a book with it
or what
and the cover
it looked different than anything he's ever done
it was solid
spanish white
or something
with a band of writing
and the only decorative element was the edge of the band
and he was talking
the musician
i mean
but i was having a hard time hearing
i was distracted by
him
and
the cd
and
the film or whatever it was on the wall
which suddenly burst into flames
which he didn't seem to notice
and i said:
is it supposed to be on fire
because i sorta thought it wasn't
and i couldn't stand for anything he had done
to be destroyed
and he looked at me
kinda disdainfully
and said:
well
i guess some people think i don't know what i'm doing

and it hurt me
it hurt me bad
and it embarrassed me
and it made me really angry
and i got up
and i stomped out
right past him
and i went to the balcony theater
because it isn't like i wasn't gonna watch it
i just wanted to be by myself

but the balcony was showing something else
because it wasn't a movie, of course
it was real live whatever it was supposed to be

so i had to suck it up
and stomp right back in
walking right past him

yeah that really showed him

what
exactly

warning graphic female content [yucky but cool]

ok
you remember how, a while back
my cycle went from 40 to 30 days
well, then it changed for a few months
it was 33 days
and i thought, well
that's just how it goes
i had a big burst of maca healing (or whatever)
and now i'm getting less effect
like with drugs
(whatever, don't take it personally)
but then i read some mumbo jumbo about how
you're supposed to be fertile at the same cycle of the moon
that it was when you were born
(actually i read linda goodman in the early 80s
so i guess, technically, i read the mumbo jumbo again)
but i looked it up anyway
and, if that's what it was doing
(time shifting)
and then going to a 28 day cycle
then happy happy blood time should start on the 16th

and guess what

so maybe i'm in sync with the universe
and all that cosmic jive

but, seriously
ovulating is awesome
when i didn't
the blood just built up and built up

ok warning, this is the really yucky stuff

so if i didn't change a super plus every 2 hours
it would seriously visibly run down my leg
like a gun shot victim
and i'd get these cramps
like some mixed martial arts kick to the pelvis
boom
all sudden-like
while trying to work and shit

now
it's seriously
like no big deal
and
i guess it isn't just the ovulating
because
they didn't stop sucking until a few months ago

so
we'll see
it might be a fluke
but
i'm super excited about being a girl right now

this is just jabber, but i'm feeling talky

so i went to see the switch
not because i really expected it to be good, exactly
really
i went to see it
because i want jason bateman to get more work
or rather
starring work
and it's not like i'm a jason bateman fan from way back or anything
but i watched arrested development a couple years ago
which i didn't innitially like
but it really grew on me

anyway

i actually think it was well crafted

in the first place
it was not really about the chick
which these chick flick movies usually are
it was about him
and it was
of course full of totally implausible shit
because
i mean, come on, it's a hollywood movie in the romantic comedy genre

but there was something kind of poetic

in the way he sort of found himself
or found his way out of himself, finally
or something

it's hard to explain

but it has to do with fatherhood
and being a man

and the fact that it's kind of poetic and hard to explain
i think
moves this film out of the ordinary

so
what i'm saying is
if you see it
let the formulaic crap just wash over you
just watch jason bateman and the kid (thomas robinson)

and
as a plus
it turns out
it's based on a short story
by jeffrey eugenides

this is just some random stuff

this isn't about dreams
this is just ramble
i think
and
maybe
that isn't too interesting
or maybe it is
i don't know
i guess
i thought it was

you know how
sometimes
when you diet or whatever
you have food cravings
well
mine are totally whack now
because i'm not craving things i used to eat
i am craving things like:

banana with onion

i looked that up
and all i got was pregnancy topics
and
unless we are talking
parthenogenesis
which would be really cool

so what's up with banana and onion

i mean they are both healthy and all but why together

and it sounds kinda revolting
and i didn't have any fresh bananas
but, when i looked, hard, i did have some banana chips
left over from a trail mix i made back in may
so i had a salad
with a whole onion
which is getting kinda common for me
and i had the banana chips for dessert
so not exactly together
but it was the first moment of non-onion-banana-y peace i've had

and, to be honest
it's kinda freaking me out

just now
i was in the laundry room
and i smelled mango
(olfactory hallucination)
and now
i could kill for mango
for my taste mango is a bit sweet
and i rarely eat it
i'm more of a papaya girl
and i have some papaya
and some watermelon
but i don't want those

i had a dandelion green salad
with a warm wild mushroom dressing
just a little while ago
and it was great
totally like i wanted that spinach salad to be years ago
only that warm bacon grease was yucky

i found some squash ravioli
and i haven't had pasta in forever
so i thought
for a treat
you know
cause my goal is to lose 30 pounds this month
and i've already lost 10
so i'm on target
but

it didn't even taste like food

i've crossed some line
and everything has changed

probably this is the last one for today, unless, thematically, i need to split it (which i might)

i dreamed i had tickets
had paid $100 for them
to see a show
an extravaganza, really
with that musician i really love-- you know the one
it was live performance
and video
and
i don't know what all
and i got there early
said "hi" to the singer
found my chair
then
realized i had forgotten my ticket
and
for some reason
i wasn't sure how to get to the dorms from the venue
so i asked lafleur
who, come to think of it, is also from louisiana
and sweet, but kinda right wing

and i ran
and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran
and
that wasn't where my dorm was
it was the med student dorm
so then i had to run around some more

the other night
i peddled around the city on my bicycle
i am waking up tired
i miss my car
where the hell is my car

anyway
by the time i found my ticket and got back
the entire show was over

i went back into the venue
now it was all banquets
and i sat and talked to the musicians
and then the guy himself sat next to me
and we talked
and i kind of accidentally on purpose
moved the side of my hand and wrist against his leg
his knee
but not in a sexy way, really
it was kind of spastic
but i couldn't help it
and he didn't realize i had missed the show
but i was kinda devastated about it
not to mention exhausted
and then i realized i had probably missed ACK-a-paloosa too
but he hadn't been there either
somebody had sung his song up all night
as a tribute
so he was sort of there in spirit
and i thought (but didn't say):
wow i didn't know you wrote that
when i first got mtv that was like one of three songs they played continually
he had just been interviewed by david letterman
we talked about that

then he went to be with his family
and i sat at a table
with goose neck lamps twisted around my head
and a waiter came and offered me a chocolate daiquiri
which sounded disgusting
but was the house specialty
so i said:
yeah okay
and then i talked to a guy
about a bar that has been in a bunch of my dreams, recently
discussing the landscape, as it were
and then
i'm uncomfortable
or something
and i go to the bathroom
and look in the mirror
one of the musicians i was talking to earlier
comes in
goes into the stall right behind me
visible in the mirror
and sits down
and i think:
i just wanted to get the image
of him
and his wife
and kids
standing in the mop sink
out of my head
i didn't need the image of you
taking a dump
to replace it

but i think there was more
that i can't remember
because
when i woke up
i don't remember it being
nearly
that
coherent

after i missed my final, in dreamland i got a final project to do instead, isn't that pretty weird

so
it seems
i'm either doing a multi-media project
or i'm writing a paper
which somehow involves telling a story
through multi-media
and i'm not really clear on which
maybe i can do either

i was in the library
everyone else seemed very clear
excited, even
and they seemed to be
working in groups

i was just wandering around the library
trying to decide if i had seen this library before
or if the city had changed again
my lucid dreaming moments
aren't always terribly effective
i think
that probably wasn't the salient factor

though i will say
there used to be
lots of high rises
elevators
such
and now
everything
seems to be
one story
sort of
mid-century modern
windowed

except
i did have a dream
where i had to jump
from flat surface to flat surface
from a pretty high height
to the ground
it was a war
or something
and i had a bag
with a head in it
i think it might have been the head of
joseph billy johnson
a guy i had german classes with
at first i thought he was an offensive idiot
but, somehow
he grew on me
he was from churchpoint louisiana
he was a very very happy guy
and he wanted to start a band
(probably because his best friend had one)
and he wanted me to sing
which never actually happened
but we wrote a few songs
and practiced some

so i don't know why i'm thinking about him
and i don't know why i was trying to
take his head to be reattached
but i do remember thinking
if i bumped it around a little
it wasn't a big deal

but other than that
(and don't get me wrong
i impressed myself with the jumping)
it's a pretty horizontal world

strange dreams, maybe because i'm reading valis

i've been reading valis
but only in the sauna
which is to say
for stints of less than an hour a pop
valis is making me love philip k. dick in a whole new way
but
it's also kinda blowing my mind

a few days ago
i had a dream which wasn't even vaguely about me
it was the seed of a story
but
it's not exactly a completely new concept
there was this, i'm not sure what to call it
person? thing? ???
it was very elbow-y
it's thing was
it could run current through every point in the universe at once
through all space and time
and it could sort of short circuit any one point
there was a name for this process
but i cannot now remember what it was
but it would leave a little card
you have been re-zapper-ized (or whatever)
and your whole life history would be changed
only
not your memory of it
so you'd have to just sort of figure it out as you went
that business you took years to build
gone
never happened
you've been re-zapper-ized
and
how the things were chosen
wasn't evil or malicious in any way
but
it wasn't random either
it just did what it was asked
i guess
maybe it had rules about not changing anything important
maybe it didn't
i didn't see that much
the instance of the guy loosing his business

his dog asked for that

i had this dream, i don't know what it means, there was so much stuff

i'm not exactly sure about the sequence
or whether that's important
it didn't hang together like a story
like they sometimes do
somebody was living in a school bus
with all the seats stripped out
but it was like double decker
or something
it had a fireplace
it was awesome
i'm not sure how that connects to anything else

i was living in these kind of attached home apartments
with communal green space
there were vegetable plants
planted too low
their depressions filled with water
but
too
there were some raised mounds
and i said (to you? maybe):
we could plant squash there
squash likes raised beds
and squash blossom is beautiful
and there was something about
our outdoor table and chairs
and mildly irritating neighbors

i was in college
and i had this english class
i didn't want to read the books
it was the end of term
it was snowing
everyone was headed out of town
i was headed somewhere
you
you were supposed to be somewhere
we talked briefly by phone
we each decided
we'd just be late
to wherever we were supposed to be
so we could spend a little while together
we met in a little coffee shop
i really liked this part of the dream
it was so simple and real
just a few stolen moments
in the warmth
watching people hurry through slushy streets
big picture window
on a small college town
i'm missing seventh period
oh, wow, my english final
whatever
i just skipped it
happily
there with you

then i was at some sort of trunk show
and i'm trying to sell purses
but then i'm categorizing light fixtures
by wattage
and cord length
and then
i'm wearing some sort of folk costume
it has a red wine shiny skirt
that sort of bells outward
thick like a shantung
but smooth
like a satin
and the top
is embroidered with flowers
black flowers
but then
suddenly
i think it's on backwards
and i turn the top around
and the flowers are green
and i'm wearing a dress
and i look good
and then my purses are selling
two years later
the colors i chose
are finally
no longer too avant

i feel like there was more
but i can't remember

apology

the next story
may the circle be unbroken
probably sucks
i tried all these different ways
to come at it
and
i didn't like
the "clever" ways
because
they weren't all that clever
so
i decided
to just go right at it
but
i think
it still
kinda sucks
but
it didn't totally suck
and
it's been
forever
so
i felt like i had to
just
have something
and
actually
it's just the ending
that i think sucks
it probably
needs
to be
a
film

May the Circle be Unbroken

I've been wanting to tell ever since what could be called the first date-- though perhaps it wasn't really a date at all and, regardless, not a successful one-- but every time I try the events become jumbled and I don't know how to proceed. Do you know how some things you remember just like they happened yesterday? This is not one of those sorts of things. The truth is I remember it-- but maybe it isn't even true. Maybe what I remember is the memory of memories worried out like trouble dolls again and again, and now I'm trying to describe where everyone sat at the tea party. Where and how to start, yes. But not just that. When I was studying French there was a tense, that totally baffled me (pluperfect or something), that was used for things that happened recurrently; the problem was that it wasn't things that happened recurrently to me, but rather, things that were supposed to happen recurrently according to the rules, which seemed random. Something like that, anyway, irregular. I guess that's what I'm looking for. The layers of use and reuse of memory haven't distorted it in a tape-of-a-tape-of-a-tape-sort-of-way-- it's really more like the conjugation of an irregular verb. What I don't want to do is exactly what I find myself doing. Then I get angry. Think I'm boring. Never tell the story.

So. Big deal. Who cares about some stinky old story, anyway?

Well, actually I do. I care about it a lot. I think it is essential, somehow.

How can it be when you don't even believe it? Tell me that .

I may not totally believe it, but I believe in it. Understand?

Like people believe in Santa Claus or the tooth fairy?

No. Not like that at all. Like you believe the fairies are controlling the car when your father drives you around at night in the darkly wooded neighborhoods where rich people live because he takes his hands off the wheel and the car still goes.

He said the fairies are controlling the car.

Yes. And when all the trees have been cut down you will imagine them in the stylized linkin log lettering of the dive bar near where they used to be and wonder if the fairies died out like the fireflies they probably always were or if they moved on to happier hunting grounds, but you'll never actually go in to the dive bar, and then, when that's gone too...

Like when they cut down the tree in the yard and then I stood on the stump and could still feel the tree, but when they dug it out and planted flowers I couldn't feel the tree anymore?

Yes. Kind of like that. But with a lot more pretending.

Do you pretend a lot?

Yes. I think I do.

Are you pretending now?

I'm not sure. Would you play a game with me now?

What kind of game?

Would you take me on a tour? Nothing fancy. Just up to the park.

Sure. Here is the house where I live. It's my gran-gran and paw-paw's house. My daddy lived here when he was a kid too. He says they were the first house on the block to have a TV. Isn't that funny? This big pot here, this plant is called wandering jew.

That's why you like purple so much, isn't it?

My favorite color is red, not purple!

Sorry. I should have kept that to myself. I guess. Please continue.

This is called monkey grass. My paw-paw has a green thumb. So we have fancy grass. That's a crepe myrtle. That's a mimosa tree. The lady who lives across the street has lived there since my daddy was small and her name is Frances. Frances can be a girl-name or a boy-name and you say it the same, but you spell it different.

Can you spell?

No. But I know my a,b,c's. Want to hear?

Not right now. Maybe later. Right now I want to go to the park, but after, if you want we can go to the U-Totem and get a frostie root beer or a delaware punch. Those are your favorites, right?

Or coke. I like coke too. My gran-gran says coke used to be medicine or something and even though it doesn't have all the stuff that made it a medicine, because that stuff's illegal now, it's still kind of a medicine and good to drink if you have a tummy ache. If we go to the U-Totem can I go barefooted?

Of course. Is there any other way?

I like the way, the regular street is hot, it burns your feet and you have to hop, but there's this big bumpy stripe in the street it's all white and cool and you can walk right on it. That's my favorite part.

Can we take the alley to the park?

There aren't any mudpuddles to stomp.

I know.

That's not the way I go.

I know, but I was just thinking how I never see alleys anymore.

Do you know they used to deliver milk in bottles and leave them in that alley?

When did they stop doing that?

I don't know. My gran-gran just told me they used to. Maybe they did when I was little. I don't remember it though.

So can we go down the alley?

No. It has the best mudpuddles if I'm walking with my daddy, but I only walk in the alley when I'm with my daddy.

Well, that's probably safer. People might back their cars out without looking where they're going. But, this has been concerning me: do they really let you walk up to the park by yourself?

Yes.

I would not let you walk up to the park by yourself if you were my kid. How old are you?

I'm four years old. I'm not your kid. Why not?

I don't think it's safe. I think about the things that could happen to you.

One time I stepped in an ant bed and I didn't know I was in an ant bed and they started crawling on me and biting me and there were millions of ants biting me and my daddy was there that time and he put me in a puddle and washed those ants off me. You mean like that?

That wasn't really what I meant, but yeah, ok, like that.

But I was a little kid then. I know about ant beds now.

Nevermind.

So this is the direction to go to get to the park. Watch where you're going, because, see, the sidewalk goes up and down. That's because the tree roots push the sidewalk up. It's really cool. It's my favorite part of the sidewalk. Now we're about to cross the street, it's not a busy street, but you still need to look both ways. This is my favorite tree. My daddy lifts me up there and I like to sit right there. See?

I see. Can you see very far from there?

Not too far. I can see farther from the top of the side. I used to climb up there, but then I was scared to slide down. It's really tall. My daddy would have to climb up and get me. One day he got me to slide down, but I slid wrong and I fell off half way down.

But he caught you, right?

Yeah, how did you know?

He might have mentioned it.

And there are the swings. And there's the hill. And over there is the clubhouse.

What's the hill good for?

You can kind of roll down it, or you can lie in the grass and look at the clouds. I like the hill.

It's the hill I'm particularly interested in.

Why?

I remember some sort of gathering up on the hill.

The one with the big tent?

Yes, that one.

It must have been some hippie thing because I recognized some of my aunt e.e.'s friends.

And do you remember what they were doing?

They held hands and they danced in a big circle.

Around the tent?

Yes.

So, on that much we agree.

Yes.

Do you remember anyone giving you a sugar cube?


Here she just walks over and lies in the grass. She ignores me.

I remember a sugar cube. But the way the person looked who gave me the sugar cube changes. Sometimes. When I replay the scene the tennis court, which was subsequently built, is there, but it contracts out of the way and reforms when people move. I don't know how to integrate this information. The sugar cube seems tied to the tennis court somehow. This makes me think it is a later addition. But it might not be that simple. I always resented the tennis court for ruining my hill. My other aunt was excited about the tennis court, wanted to play, might have even paid for lessons for me, but I wanted nothing to do with the big ugly paved thing that had destroyed my hill.


The tent was a regular white pavilion tent, the kind they use for outdoor weddings.

It was striped and huge. It was a circus big top.

The hippies wandered up and under the tent.

There wasn't any music.

There weren't any speeches.

The person who approached me was a woman, a man with long hair, a clown, filled, with no malice, no intent to harm, nothing but love, no reason to fear.

I lie in the grass and watch the hippies join hands and run and dance around and around in a circle dance. They shimmer in the sunlight. The circle undulates, expands, contracts, everything seems to be breathing. The big top is breathing. There isn't any sound at all.

It lasts forever.

Then.

It's over.

The hippies leave as suddenly as they arrived. They leave in twos and threes.

I get up.

I walk home.

master cleanse - day 10

i ate soup tonight
not yucky lemon gut soup
i broke my fast about 3 hours ago
with some yummy broth
i made with
kombu
shitake
onion
dry spices
nutritional yeast
and
a sprig of fresh rosemary

i can't say i've ever really
used rosemary before
i associate it with
rosemary chicken
most of all
and
maybe
focaccia bread

it was just what i wanted

orange juice will have to wait for tomorrow
i've got oranges to squeeze
i've got celery to juice
i've got miso to soup

i didn't lose that much weight
only about 10 pounds
and
i'm not sure
that i'm out of toxins
but
i do think it was really good for me

i'm thinking about
incorporating fasting into regular life
like maybe one day a week
or some set amount of time per month
or something
i haven't decided yet

i was hoping for
some mystical experience
but
most of what i got
was very practical

i guess
someday
i will
have to have
that
fast

in the desert

master cleanse - day 7

this
isn't so much about day 7 per se
it's more about
my thoughts on the master cleanse thus far

like i said before
i started with lemon juice and cayenne
maybe a couple weeks before
i think that's why my body wanted me to stop eating
so it could catch up with the detox
so when i tell you this stuff
(and it might be kinda gross
you might not want to read this)
it's not just a 7 day effect

but
there are parts of me
that i thought:
well that's all firm
must be all muscle

nuh uh

the texture of the fat has changed
which makes it harder to look at myself
because
now it's all fat looking

that's the down side

but it isn't really
because
now it looks like something that doesn't belong
and must go
which can't ultimately be a bad thing
but
in the short term
i look fatter to me

the up side is

a bunch of stuff

i thought all my chronic pain was gone
nuh uh
much less now

i thought my range of motion
was pretty good
(for my age)
since i have been mildly detoxing for months
nuh uh
much better now

but
the weird thing is
i can see
tangibly
how those things
might actually improve
yet still more
like maybe there could be
a couple more
i thought it wasn't bad before
moments

i totally see why people are tempted
to go on ridiculously long bouts of master cleanse
i see it
but
i think it is flawed reasoning
it cannot be good
to make your body
stay in hard core detox mode
can it

anyway
unless i have some whack come-to-jesus moment
i think 10 days is going to be all
this time
which doesn't mean
i'll stop detoxing
but
this feels too active
and violent
to make me think i should continue longer

(and
in the spirit of full disclosure
i should mention
i think
i'm probably taking much more cayenne
than is probably meant
because
it said you could take 2 cayenne capsules
if you couldn't deal with the taste
or a fairly small amount of cayenne mixed in
so i'm doing the capsules
but
that means
i'm taking 2 x 100,000btu x 6
and i suspect
it meant
something 40,000btu
or less)

but
seriously
i keep kinda fantasizing
about doing a cartwheel

stupid stuff

this was a very good decision i think

master cleanse - day 6

so
it wasn't my original intention
to update you today
but
i discovered that i am a fucking genius
so i had to write that
while it was fresh in my head

last night
i dreamed about eating chicken
and i don't know if it's digesting the fiber or what
but today
today i have been ravenous all day

and that fiber isn't really working the way i need it to
because i didn't take into account soluble fiber
so
when i started feeling like vomit time might be near
i juiced up the lemon rinds
with some ginger
(because it settles your stomach)
and that fiber is pretty insoluble
but i was still starving
so

i made chicken soup
from the lemon guts the juicer spit out

no lie

i boiled em for a while with
white pepper
garlic powder
celtic sea salt
it made this big nasty pulp
and i pushed that in a strainer
and got a small amount of concentrate
i added more spices
nutritional yeast
and hot water
and
it was way way too bitter
so
i added a tiny bit of maple
and voila

now
i mean spices are not
strictly speaking
part of the master cleanse
and
nutritional yeast is more of a supplement
which there is some debate about the allowability
so
you could say
that i cheated
if that's what you really wanted to say
but
i feel like macgyver

it was a little bitter
but
the texture
and
the flavor
was really chicken-soup-esque
chock-full-o-insoluble fiber, b12, protein, et al
and 70 calories
the same as the way i'm supposed to make the lemonade

and
so far
no vomit

yeah

master cleanse - day 4 & 5

i know it's kinda early
and if anything exciting happens later
i'll add on
but
i wanted to tell you about yesterday
some changes
and today
lack of euphoria

no more vomit
so far
(i spoke too soon)

i decided that the salt was giving me mild edema
so i needed an alternative to the saltwaterflush
which is a shame
because it is effective
and cheap
celtic sea salt is chock full of minerals
and only 3.50 for the small bag

so
i went to whole foods
and i wandered around for like 2 hours
i have this thing about grocery stores
it's like a sensory overload thing
which i've gotten way better at
but apparently not when i'm lightheaded
and hungry
well, not so much hungry as cramping internally
i looked at lots of food
even
with interest
at the bits of dead animal carcass
well, really just the steaks
it was all just fun to look at, no big thing
except
when i was in the water aisle (that word is spelled weird)
they had one of those "impulse buy" hanger thing-a-ma-jigs
with bags of fancy trail mix
giant dried cherries, almonds, and chocolate coated something
and the chocolate seemed like not processed
like it wasn't shiny
and that was the only point at which
i was into the food
that dried cherry had my name on it

but i had to get a salt alternative
i've read that mixing psyllum and bentonite clay
but i don't think i could drink that
so i looked and looked
and read all the labels
and i decided on this one called super seed
it's flax and chia with sprouted bunch-a-other-stuff
it's got omega3 and some protein and probiotics
it's got like 70 calories
and it tastes like malt-o-meal
but that might require enough digestion
that i'm really not on the master cleanse anymore
not sure
also
i saved all the lemon parts
and juiced them
but i let the juice sit for a few minutes
and it turned into this almost pudding texture
so i mixed in some juice, pulp, and 2 teaspoons of maple
and drank that down last night
fiber and bioflavanoids

lots of excitement yesterday
the super seed i had today
but
that was today's most euphoric moment:
malt-o-meal flashback

otherwise
just
spacey
with
headache

and weight back to where it was
before
the
salt

master cleanse - days 2 & 3

not much to report
day 2 went pretty much the way of day 1
only the cravings were more diffuse
by which i mean
i just wanted to eat
i wasn't hungry, not really
at least nothing the lemonade wouldn't cure
but i wanted to eat anyway
just for the eating
nothing specific
nothing unhealthy even

so i thought that might mean
no vomiting
but it did not mean that

today i did the saltwaterflush
in the early evening
in hopes of washing away the toxins
so
maybe
no vomit tonight
fingers crossed

but really
i don't want the lemonade
i don't want it
the salt tasted almost good
i was down to 1 tablespoon of honey a day

whatever
still in a yucky place
i think it's like day 5
that you get all blissed out
come on day 5

when i weighed when i got up
i had lost 7 pounds
but
just now
i seemed to have gained back 4 of them
i really have to be careful with salt
that may be a reaction
i've had about a gallon of water (a little less)
but only 3 lemonades (so like 250 calories)
so we know i didn't gain weight on that
so one way or another its water

anyway
just letting you know
i didn't quit

master cleanse - day 1

i wasn't sure i would start today
it's a couple days early and i thought
i'd spend the next couple days on the juice
but when i woke up this morning my body said:
start today
please don't make us eat
so i started today which was fine, except
i needed to get more lemons
and i went to the foodie grocery
they have a big juicing operation in produce
the scent of watermelon almost made me lose my mind
well, that's not really true
it just smelled really really really good
this was like 5:30pm
and up till then no food issues
and no big deal anyway

but they say you'll have cravings
as the toxins come out
and this evening
all i wanted
was a big baguette of crusty french bread
with butter
but again
not really a big deal
i don't really eat that anymore anyway
i just imagined it
which was fine

but i guess they weren't kidding about the toxins

and i did say i wanted deeper detox

but i did not expect

vomiting


i feel better now
but the crusty warm bread is even more vivid
so i don't think it's over

i can't honestly say i'm enjoying this
it'll probably get worse before it gets better
whatever
i actually believe it's doing something now

i'm wrting you a short story, but it's not finished yet *sorry*

just some stuff i wanted to tell you about my experimentation, might be boring

i've been trying different ways to get enough protein
and i thought fruit smoothies with vegan protein
was the way to go, for a while
but no
i gained back 10 pounds
and my alkalinity dropped back down to 6.2
i knew, in my heart of hearts, fruit was wrong

so i am testing an hypothesis that i have had for some time
it's a cyclical thing
there's building up
there's tearing down
so i started taking liver detox herbs in tear down
and i started taking chlorella in build up
and my alkalinity is 7.0 now
and, in preparation for doing a master cleanse
i am drinking lemon water and taking cayenne (100,000btu)
but still eating, not fasting yet, cause it's build up
so, hopefully, since i'm getting some detox effects now
hopefully i'll have deeper detox later

i haven't fasted for a long time
but it's the maple syrup i'm really worried about
that's a lot of sugar grams
i thought about leaving it off
but, from what i've researched
the manganese and zinc
are important for mitochondrial release
and
i mean
i'm not wanting to start with a forty day water fast
in the desert
up hill
both ways
maybe later

oh
and hopefully
i'll lose weight
but
it's not mostly about the weight
that's like half a lie
i haven't been dieting or focusing on losing weight
i've been focusing on nutrients
and finding food configurations that work for me
next time
instead of fruit smoothies
i think i'll mix spirulina
and nutritional yeast
into vegetable juice
i gotta stick with the veggies