what does it mean when you dream about shampoo

this was a very
i don't want to say pleasant
because pleasant is so banal
and what i mean to say
i woke up with good feelings about it
even though
there are
things
it connects to
that arc across my mind like a splatter map

i have a history with shampoo dreams

you know how some people have the dream of teeth falling out

well, i had the dream of the nair in the shampoo


but this dream didn't call that back at all
i was in a really large
beautiful shower
which reminded me of somewhere
just off the edge of the horizon of identification
a little like the gym
(but not really)
a little like the place i stayed once in big sur
with the heated stone floor
and the fireplace
i don't know if it was off season pricing or what
but i seriously thought:
man this is like where you'd stay on your honeymoon, or some shit

whatever

it was a really nice shower
in no way dirty or broken or with people looking in at me
like i might expect from my subconscious mind

the shampoo was wonderful
and i have been using this liquid soap lately
that might be influencing this part
it has volcanic ash and goji and acai because it's detox
but it's beautiful
smells beautiful
whatever

but, in the dream, it's a shampoo
and i'm listening
as i lather
to the radio

this woman is talking about
how she had never washed her baby daughter's hair
until she was like a year old
she just used water
because
the experts told her
shampoo was too harsh
but she found this shampoo
(which i believe was the one i was using in the dream)
and she wished she had found it sooner
because she thought her daughter's hair
might be better today
if she had been using it all along
and i'm all like:
yeah, i coulda told you that

which is strangely like a commercial

and
there are all these mixed feelings
longing, ambivalence, doubt, jealousy
that go along with this mother daughter action
almost like i know this woman
even though she's just on the radio
it's like i hate this woman for having something, that
let's be honest
i'm not sure i can really have
but
at the same time
i push it away
i distance myself from it
make myself all superior
in a kind of unattractive way

but i'm not feeling any of that stuff
i just know about it intellectually
what i'm feeling
is the shampoo
the feel of it
the smell
the beautiful shower
all that other stuff is on the radio

maybe it's just that i got a new mineral water that
as it turns out contains
lithium

maybe
i'm letting go of some stuff
i'm never gonna be one of those ivf women
but i've made a lot of changes on the back of being a worthy vessel
and there's a big part of my rational mind that needs to know
that i don't just implode
if what i'm being led to
doesn't turn out to be what i thought
that i'm not some hollow shell of broken-ness
that can pull her shit together for the love of some other
that's going to fill the empty space
but can't
or won't
heal herself
for herself

and
i choose to see the joy of cleanliness
as a really good sign
all that other stuff
it's out there
it's real
but it's not in me
it's just a voice on the radio