check in march 31st

I have been WEIRD today 

out of calibration 

BUT 

I got some STUFF DONE 

SO

I'm not complaining 

BUT 

I wasn't properly able to appreciate (hah spelled right even before spelling arbitration)

the beauty

nescafe

it turns out that woodpecker 

is LUCKY & opportunity 

KNOCKING 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

goodnight 

more thoughts

OH

ps

my KNEE feels 

pretty good 

TODAY

which 

I thought was

AWESOME 

check in march 30th

I can in no way quantify 

BUT 

something has shifted

AGAIN 

haven't cracked the blind spot puzzle

YET

I feel more solid than I often do

I'm re-living some of that stuff with my mom

& I'm sort of metabolizing it

is how it feels to me 

the things t*ump does that I 

RECOGNIZE 

& I feel like maybe that's where we came in on the CRAZY 

leading into the pandemic 

I hadn't been doing well for some time already

& THEN everything else got 

end of the world-ish

with the pressers every day

& it's plague times

& THEN

I just went to the

TOXIC CORE

& then for a while

a little cross triggering 

& idk if I'm making sense 

I had a lot of FEELS 

which I guess was good 

BUT 

it wasn't all living in the moment 

I went to the grocery store 

SO

three days in a row

leaving the house

engaging in extroverted sensing

proximity to humans

STILL 

I don't think THAT 

REALLY 

captures it

I think I need some sleep 

& DREAMS are important 

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

signs march 29th

I saw a woodpecker today

I haven't seen one

since I was a kid

what does a woodpecker mean 

as an animal guide 

I read stuff but it seems unclear

perhaps persistence or resilience 

which doesn't feel like the same thing

or strength 

SO

generally hang in there baby vibes

BUT 

also the drumming quality 

it's got 

hey this here is a sign 

VIBES

BUT 

I had completely forgotten about it 

& the reading at meditation 

was exactly the thing I'm trying to do 

do different things 

BREAK 

your patterns 

it forces you to engage with the present moment 

I feel like I've got some blind spots

I feel like I'm sensing 

THAT

I'm not SEEING something 

that if I saw it

EVERYTHING 

would be

BETTER 

I feel like 

I've been doing this slide

between some aspects of reality

& the picture of the world I'm currently juggling 

is hard to navigate 

the perspectives 

it's hard to explain but from my perspective 

they don't seem to ever just 

LINE UP

& THAT SOUNDS 

CRAZY

it's NOT that DRAMATIC 

but it hovers or something 

but I'm starting to feel like it's converging 

the STUFF is a sign of

SOME sort of reality 

BYPASSING 

I can't 

EXPLAIN 

when I was in the room in austin

I had been SO freaked out 

SO beyond STRESSED

from all the mom stuff that when I was in the room with the whole 

VISUAL REST

it made me realize that that stuff

WORKS

I gotta fix my visual clutter

& I made a plan

TODAY 

using all the strategies I've learned so far

I'm excited to see 

HOW 

it's gonna work 

I've got

let the sunshine in

face it with a grin

open up your

HEART and let the sunshine in 

playing in my HEAD 

there's a lot going on in there

& I am not sure 

HOW MUCH 

of it I'm not 

SEEING 

I need to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

goodnight 

check in march 29th

I don't think I can do the april 

I would really like to 

& yes, GENIUS 

& TREE!

notes march 28th

and

there is

JOY

in walking down the middle of the street

LOOKING UP

it's an angle you might

never otherwise 

SEE

at one point 

when I was kinda

disappointingly hobbly

I joked with myself 

I'm in walking dead*

*which I never really watched 

possibly incoherent ramblings

I'm trying to work out

a rollercoaster 

METAPHOR 

or

ASTROWORLD 

had

the Texas Cyclone 

it was an old Coney Island wood rollercoaster 

ya sit in the

FRONT 

or

ya sit in the

BACK 

BOTH

they were good in different ways 

in the front you SEE EVERYTHING 

it is tight maybe compressed

it is FOCUSED 

in the BACK

you are lifting up out of your

SEAT

you are

HOLDING ON

the physical experience is 

in some ways

MORE INTENSE 

because you don't really know what is coming 

and the experience of the march

doesn't MAP 

the the rollercoaster 

the concept of the front & the back being completely different experiences 

is all I'm trying to get at

TODAY 

I didn't MEAN to be

at the FRONT 

I enjoyed the last march with the tuba & sax

walking to music is 

BETTER 

the front was a crowded experience 

they had a truck with people with

megaphones

people got excited when

the chant was

F*CK t*ump

or

F*CK ICE

all the many chants about other things 

LESS excited 

there were some organized groups 

BUT MOSTLY 

it was little clumps of

TWO & THREE

with their OWN concerns

it felt like THAT 

BEFORE 

the clumps of two or three

spread out

this is

pressed together 

I can tell I'm not managing to convey

& I need to go to sleep 

tibetan buddhism 

TOMORROW 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

goodnight 

notes on march 28th

I love the signs

the THINGS 

people care about

or HOW 

they are presenting 

I enjoy that

a CROWN

on a fool

is

just a HAT

WAR CRIMES 

don't cover SEX CRIMES

the only thing SAFE in america

is the epstein files

don't make me 

REPEAT myself 

--- history 

there was a guy

had a sign

it was like a blow up  ---  monopoly card

GO directly to JAIL 

DO NOT PASS GO

do NOT collect $200

I had a non-verbal show of approval

& it was one of those lovely

human interaction 

moments 

MAKE ORWELL fiction AGAIN 

there was this one

it was beautiful 

I wasn't seeing it up close 

I think it said  IMAGINE 

and then it had an image

of t*ump on fire

an elephant 

shooting fire out of it's trunk

said GOP 

on it's side

notes march 28th

they didn't have porta-cans

we're using the library 

SO

standing in line

this woman wearing a vest - thing 

SAYS

safety marshal

or something like that 

TELLING them -- it's like a bookclub 

THAT'S the atmosphere 

it's LIKE 

we're standing around talking about the CONSTITUTION 

& it reminded me of bill hicks

I understood what he meant KINDA 

when he said 

MAYBERRY 

with three

MILLION 

people 

somehow, I GOT it TODAY

March 28th check in

I expect this no kings to be

BIGGER 

I'm not sure what the actual numbers were 

we walked all the way down to the 

I think it's a bayou

if you keep going 

you end up

at UH

downtown 

BUT 

I knew it was further before I could SEE it

my knee was like

WTSF b*tch

& I'm hobbling a bit

it was a little 

different 

I thought about you a lot

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I might not say a lot today I'm processing a lot

good morning/day/ check in sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

you took me by surprise 

I'm not sure what 

to tell you yet

BUT 

I'm overwhelmed with not wanting to 

FREAK you out

by not telling you 

SOMETHING 

I feel like I am a hot mess

THAT 

is what I'm telling you right now 

I gotta figure out 

& I feel like 

idk right now

however 

what I can tell you

is

YOU are MAGIC 

& I LOVE you VERY much 

check in march 26th

I have had

LUKE 

the

DRIFTER

in my HEAD all day

not sleeping yet

I feel like 

I screwed something up 

because of getting something wrong 

& I'm not sure if it was something 

to do with 

my dreams 

or having the thing about my mom

& the people from the studio 

are calling

& that brings in

the whole female friend thing

& then maybe I made you feel some kinda way

OR

just didn't respond to the right thing in the right WAY

maybe I didn't do anything wrong 

& I just feel SAD

BUT 

I was farther TODAY from the 

VIBING with the UNIVERSE 

than I have been 

SOME other

DAYS

SO

I'm gonna try to sleep NOW 

& WAKE UP

CLOSER

to the 

person I 

WANT 

to be 

🫶

I'm gonna sleep soon

it makes me SAD to think 

YOU might have thought

I was doing that

I remember HOW I used to 

SPIRAL

thinking about 

the things

you MIGHT think 

I was saying 

BAD

it made me 

FEEL 

MUCH 

MORE

LOVED

when I let go of THAT 

SO

I'm going to 

NOT think

you were thinking I was saying 

THAT

I enjoy thinking 

that you feel confident in 

& this kind of

protectively strong towards

SOLID LOVE

& even if this is in some ways 

perhaps inaccurate or 

unrealistic 

I don't want to be worried about 

whether or not you

are worried 

about us

I'm not saying you are

BUT 

I've got 

STUFF 

working against me

I need not to add

worries

I LOVE you 

I'm gonna stop talking 

goodnight sweetheart 

I just thought of something

ALSO 

I wasn't talking about 

macking on women 

I was talking about 

having problems 

dealing with being 

AROUND 

them

I'm not trying to 

make you feel insecure 

that just occurred to me 

that you might think that

YOU 

are the only one I'm ever thinking about 

ROMANTICALLY 

& I don't think I have done a good job with that

I'm not looking to branch out

I just think

it's weird that I don't feel comfortable around 

WOMEN

I've mentioned it before 

ALTHOUGH 

it might

PARTIALLY be

a neurodivergent thing

and men don't have the same systems

I feel like there is a

NORM enforcing aspect to women

that I don't FEEL the same way

with men

in groups

which

isn't anything to do with attraction 

THAT probably 

SCARES me any time I recognize it 

slight venting

@#$!!*#@

AMERICA FIRST AWARD 

sounds like they

are planning to give it to him

ANNUALLY 

(that super looks spelled wrong)

HOW LONG 

before they're going door to door 

taking people's gold jewelry 

to melt down 

for WEEKLY 

AWARD 

MEDALS

red states got the waffle house, but blue cities not so much

HEY 

there's nothing LIKE 

WAFFLE HOUSE 

BUT 

there's no waffle house in town 

I think the nearest one to me

is out hwy six or something 

BUT 

there's an IHOP close enough for me to 

WALK to

it's not super cool

BUT 

if we can get IHOP in the network 

it would be 

VERY CONVENIENT 

for the 

TELEPORT 

thoughts

SO

I have an IDEA to get around the 

AIRPORT problem

& if we get

CREATIVE 

maybe the gas

PROBLEM 

TOO 

FIRST 

everyone 

TELEPORT 

to WAFFLE HOUSE 

then we can set up a 

BICYCLE 

RICKSHAW 

service 

THAT 

takes care of red states

BUT 

WHAT is the

BLUE state equivalent of 

WAFFLE HOUSE 

check in march 25th

I've had a weird day so far

my mom told them

they couldn't move her

until I had toured the facility 

I mean she didn't call me to ask me

it's just me somehow 

gumming up the works

SO

I had to explain 

& say I would not be doing that 

& blah blah

I hope you are having a beautiful day 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

WEIRD dreams

I had upsetting dreams 

there was one

I was in a pet store

somebody was playing with a cat

with a big knife

& they cut off it's leg

& then we're like

oh, I don't want it now

& walked off

while the poor cat was bleeding & trying to follow them on its bloody bone stump

I was trying to get the shop person's attention 

to help the cat

& they were like

they didn't want to upset the customer 

& I didn't know what to do

then I was in another shop

& I found a cool felt tip pen I was gonna buy

& for some reason 

I wrote my name on the box

MAYBE 

I was testing the pen out

I wouldn't do that in real life

I had to use their restroom 

& while I was in there

the pen started smoking

& subsequently melting

& I thought about

just leaving it

BUT 

I HAD written my name on it

& I thought about taking the box

leaving the pen

BUT 

I decided to tell the shop person 

because 

I MEAN 

they should know THAT was a THING that could 

HAPPEN

& by that time it was freaky melted

TWISTED 

they thanked me and I went on my way

THEN

I was in a

I want to say restaurant 

BUT 

must have been back of house 

& I had some like hand truck 

that I was wheeling through 

their area

& one guy said

hey

here

would you like a schematic to our

SANITIZER 

& I'm all LIKE 

I LOVE sanitizing

took the sheet of paper

& wheeled my hand truck out of the maze of counters

PAST

what honestly looked like

GAVIN NEWSOME

OUT 

of the building 

& into a hallway which had an elevator 

I needed to get the hand truck

ANGLED INTO

gonna try to sleep now

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

I still think

the madras is symbolic of something 

I don't think I'd ever wear anything 

THAT loud

on PANTS

JACKET 

MAYBE 

my thoughts on recent dreams

I was questioning 

how I don't seem to be friends with women much

I don't feel comfortable around them

& MAYBE 

that's just women my age & older

BUT 

it's a thing that is a ME thing

SOMETIMES 

I think it's because of deborah & my mom

SOMETIMES 

I think it's got to do with the non-binary thing 

BUT 

I was thinking about it 

calling myself into 

QUESTION 

then also 

when I did my nam myoho renge kyo 

I set the intention to 

SEE MORE CLEARLY 

WHAT I WANT 

because I feel like I am still trying to get at THAT 

& I had dreams 

BUT 

I wasn't sure 

HOW 

to interpret them

I was having a picnic

with a woman who I was trying to be friends with 

I was TALKING to her

THROUGH the WINDOW 

of a car

turned upside down 

neither of us 

we're IN the CAR

we were on opposite sides of the car

I was handing her things through the window 

she was on the opposite side of the car

I was mixing her

an iced tea

in test tubes

I was trying to decide 

HOW MUCH SUGAR

to put in her tea

when I woke up

I thought maybe this was telling me 

I really want 

female friendships

& I need to do the

EXTRA WORK 

to make this happen 

BUT 

thinking about it all day 

I don't think that's what it is telling me 

I think it was MORE like trying to represent to me

WHAT it's LIKE

THEN

there was another part of the dream

or maybe an entirely different 

DREAM 

I moved around through the WORLD 

& I found these

PANTS

they were 

MADRAS PLAID --- shades of PINK

thicker material cut like those

pants I think look good on me

stretchy comfortable 

BUT 

they also had like a baby pink piping

I was pretty happy with them

and I was sitting in a comfortable chair 

on a nice patio

with plants

& some young person I KNEW in the DREAM 

--- I think they were male but I'm not entirely sure 

came by and said 

you look COOL in those pants

can I take your picture 

& THEN

ALL of a SUDDEN 

I'm comfortable with having my picture taken

& everything is EASY & FUN 

& I'm looking UP 

what does it mean when you DREAM of 

MADRAS PLAID PANTS

I don't think the type of fabric is the point

I'm not sure that I've CAUGHT 

ALL the nuance

BUT 

SOMETHING like 

be yourself 

DON'T WORRY about TRYING 

those that LIKE you

will self select

check in march 24th

I had some dreams 

I'm still thinking about 

what they mean

I hope you are having a beautiful day sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

I'm gonna try to sleep now

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

sprouts on goat cheese on rice cakes

HARVEST

i slept at least another eight hours

I had some long long dreams 

I was sleeping in the dirt

HAPPILY

I THOUGHT 

in the front yard

of a building I used to live in

THEN

some guy

came over and took a spot too close to me

couldn't SEE him -- couldn't assess him

didn't FEEL SAFE anymore

got up & walked to the door keys in hand

looking behind me

somewhat scared

DOOR didn't LOOK right 

I wasn't where I thought I was

I went to find someplace

SAFE

I ended up in an old diner

not like fancy FIXED UP

just old but funky

& I found myself in an odd corner

I need to get SOMEWHERE 

I think I was thinking of another place I had lived

a BUS came by

OH I thought 

I didn't know a bus came by here

I wonder HOW LONG until the next one

BUT 

in the way SOMETIMES if you are playing 

say city skylines 2, using anarchy because the

actual game works KINDA sh*TTYL and you want stuff to line up and fit

the bus phased right into the building 

& as it came by

I could just STEP ONTO the INSIDE of the BUS

I went through these beautiful 

LUSH areas that SEEMED 

TOO THICK with foilage to even pass through 

BUT 

I don't remember getting off the bus

I was in this WILD MCM media room

I was in an enormous leather chair

& there were TWO television sets

one on top of the other

LIKE 

thouse double ovens you sometimes saw

in fancy kitchens on cooking shows

& me and SOMEONE else 

we're going OVER and ANALYZING 

SOMETHING 

I can't quite remember 

HISTORICAL 

CULTURAL 

something 

THEN

I was talking to a couple of people 

I knew in the dream 

in some kind of 

GROUP 

but it also seemed like a game

& I kept trying to get information from them

& they were only answering me in these

VAGUE non-informational

SHORT answers 

& I'm LIKE 

WTF

are you not looking anything up 

NO, they said

we have to leave the stream for that

I'm LIKE 

YEAH I KNOW 

I'm leaving the stream every few minutes 

& it's a pain to get back in the flow

NOT JUST THAT

you don't GAIN COINS if you LEAVE the STREAM

I don't even know what you're talking about 

I SAY 

WHAT do COINS 

DO for you

that makes them

IMPORTANT ENOUGH 

to be worth

doing a crappy job at what we are

SUPPOSED to be DOING 

AND THEN

I'm in a house 

& I have something set up

in the idk

EXHAUST SYSTEM 

MAYBE 

it's hooked up to the

STOVE

for SURE 

BUT 

I THINK 

it runs through the HVAC as well

& SUDDENLY I look in this cabinet

& there is this LIKE 

WALL

of what looks like broken bits of

SALTINE CRACKERS 

being sucked up from SOMEWHERE 

I keep WANTING to take a picture of it 

because it is going UP

in a WAY 

that SEEMS 

CONTRARY to GRAVITY 

& there is SO MUCH of it

LIKE 

HOW could the SYSTEM 

EVEN FUNCTION

with all this 

CRAP

gumming up the 

WORKS

& then I woke up

with kd lang singing three days in my HEAD 

I stayed in bed a long time 

THINKING about the DREAMS 

& I may have even gone back in

BUT 

I FEEL like 

I FIGURED SOMETHING OUT 

I don't KNOW if it is ME

or the system 

or BOTH 

& my head does 

HURT

but I feel 

BETTER about EVERYTHING somehow 

it's a LOT of SLEEP though 

very small circle

OH

I forgot to SAY 

they had people zooming in 

for the meditation 

& there was this one woman

& she just seemed like

the most serene 

vibrantly beautiful woman ever

& it turns out

she's sort of

famous, I guess, although maybe not

SO MUCH -- currently 

she's a health & wellness guru

ani p from socal

it said

BUT 

I was just now thinking about it 

& looked her up

ani phyo 

I think is her name

she used to be a raw foodist

back when that was a thing

small world, huh

goodnight/good morning

I slept 

I woke up

I think I'll try to sleep 

a little bit more 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I'm trying to keep my vibration 

high so I help with the 

LIGHT timeline 

without crossing over

into some kind of 

TOXIC 

positivity 

my day so far

I talked to charley 

the self described long-term student 

who led the meditation 

& I talked to emily 

who described herself as staff

& gave me her email in case I ever need anything 

or have any questions 

I had to say something 

so I was talking about the level of anxiety 

about the state of the world and the 

attempt to track

HOW MUCH 

of that is

OBJECTIVELY WORSE

& how much was just my 

not paying proper attention before 

she understood what I was talking about 

& when I mentioned that it doesn't help

that news is specifically geared to

get that response 

& the CLICKS

& whatnot

she was LIKE, yeah, I don't even like the things I like anymore because of the level everyone seems to think you're supposed to take it to

and I understood that 

& I suppose part of the problem is 

TALKING about it 

doesn't 

DO 

MUCH 

and I'm reading about centers

in texas

where they are putting 

EIGHT year old

PREGNANT 

GIRLS

where

I'm wondering 

WHAT is the likelihood that they even make it out

ALIVE

am I SUPPOSED to meditate myself 

CALM from THAT 

or would a more appropriate response be

to f*CK sh*t up

BUT 

I'm not really in a state to f*CK sh*t up

I'm trying to put my 

OXYGEN MASK 

on FIRST 

BUT 

then I hear that black soldiers 

didn't even get the g.i. bill

& I'm LIKE 

f*CK

AM I 

part of 

the problem 

I'm exhausted and all I DID was meditate

for an HOUR 

talk to two people 

& stop at levant bbq

where I got a stuffed potato 

& shook hands with daniel the pit master

I guess I talked to him too

I watched a little news

looked for someplace else to go

because TODAY 

is going to be exciting 

BUT 

JUJITSU 

these people are 

I've been calling 'em

KEYSTONE n*zis

BUT 

that FEELS flippant NOW 

like keystone cops

I WANT

to take a nap

my HEAD hurts 

BUT 

I ALSO want to be the resistance TOO 

IS that

CRAZY 

it FEELS a little 

CRAZY 

I love you

check in

I went to the tibetan buddhist meditation thingy 

it was easier to find than things sometimes are & it was good 

I might need to do something else

to get the excitement in

goodnight

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I'm going to sleep 

LOTS of 

fragments of thought 

SOMETHING exciting is going to happen tomorrow 

I don't know what yet

sprouts update

still growing 

thoughts march 21st

I chanted nam myoho renge kyo 

last night for like idk an hour-ish before bed

& my intention was a little foggy

SOMETHING 

around

raising my consciousness 

getting back to a place where I am not avoiding 

people mostly 

I guess 

& THEN

I passed out and slept for more than 

TWELVE hours

& DREAMED

and dreamed and dreamed

about all kinda crazy scenarios with people 

ALSO 

I was flying around in a helicopter 

I got it caught in a tree

& had to figure out how to get it down

I don't know what any of that 

MEANS 

it felt like I was working through some stuff

I'm listening to the chanting now

while I type this

I guess I want to become 

a magnet for wonderful experiences 

I want to ENJOY being around people 

I want to find people enriching 

instead of draining

I feel like I had that ability in my past

I'm not unhappy 

BUT 

I need to put myself out there as they say

in order for the UNIVERSE to have

OPPORTUNITIES to 

GIVE me

all the stuff it's lining up

& I need to connect with the humans

I've shut down in ways I need to

crank back up

thoughts about special stuff

I've been thinking about it 

I never got to go to

any kind of

SUMMER 

CAMP

&

I didn't have the joy of dairy queen 

BUT 

if you followed the apartment property 

if you went out on the one side

there was the bottle smashing bar

& the baby giant convenience store 

on the other side there was a

whataburger

& a vacant lot

in the summer there was a SNOW CONE stand

my dad did their sign I think

they had a bajillion

FLAVORS

& SOMETIMES we got snow cones

that's the closest thing I can think of

WELL

there was ASTROWORLD they had season passes

BUT 

you still had to get someone to 

TAKE 

you

I was writing this when I fell asleep I wasn't in a groggy state when I was writing but then I got in bed and passed out without finishing

I've been doing that

nam myoho renge kyo chant

I don't know whether I think it does anything or not 

BUT 

I DO

LIKE 

chanting 

& I can get on board with chanting

MAYBE mix it UP 

I did find another 

buddhist temple

they teach zen meditation in English

in a free thing that runs

for several months

with dharma talks after

from the reviews it seems like it's really good 

& pretty diverse 

it is taiwan based

& the information videos 

seem somewhat like they're selling you a timeshare or something 

SO

I'm not sure about it either 

there are a bunch of temples that don't have anything in English

I guess 

if I want to understand what's going on 

I have to pick my poison 

now if it's not religion I want 

MAYBE 

the jung center is more like my speed

I've found TWO parks

one east & one west

roughly within a five mile radius 

that have "health and wellness programming"

which I didn't even know was a thing 

ya KNOW what else I used to enjoy 

that I'm not sure I remember how to do

PLAY backgammon 

I used to play it with gigi all the time 

& I thought it had

a really good balance of skill to luck

made it still fun to play

even if the skill levels of players were 

poorly matched 

they're growing

slightly MORE sprouted 🌱🌱

I guess I had stuff to talk about

the food dept

SAYS 

the Alabama hot slaw from the moosewood cookbook*

*it something like lunch at the moosewood or something like that it's my favorite one it's all soups & salads

is great on fish tacos 

& as a side

& on po boys

I guess 

moosewood makes me KINDA a hippy-ish

WHAT ---girlie

I remember seeing the broccoli forest cookbook 

on one of the shows when I was a kid

I'm pretty sure the author 

COOKED something 

& I was CHARMED by it somehow 

JUST attracted to the CONCEPT which was WHAT 

MAYBE 

there was an omelette recipe 

I was super into

OMELETTES

I'm not 💯 that I ever actually had the broccoli forest -- I think I did but it seems equally likely that WHEN you actually got old enough to GET yourself a cookbook 

I THINK you BOUGHT the LUNCH one

it was KINDA beautiful 

because the stories

HOW THIS 

BECAME 

a beloved dish, the person who brought the RECIPE 

& it was great because it was 

VERY SHARING 

they made it 

SO I felt

LIKE 

I had this WHOLE SENSE of the place 

I ENJOY a good cookbook

I KINDA think 

the broccoli forest was just one woman

BUT 

in the ensuing years 

the group had kinda worked it's way back in

& I think when I went to buy

BROCCOLI 

I had heard the scuttlebutt 

which was like MAYBE 

she didn't really have the rights to use

MOOSEWOOD 

I think I looked at whatever was available 

at THAT time 

but then subsequently

there are many

MORE 

I got some of those 

I should probably look at again

I got em thrift cheap on eBay 

& the STEW one

had a page ripped out 

& I MIGHT 

have bought a second copy

& been disappointed 

that it wasn't 

ACTUALLY 

the BEST 

RECIPE in the book 

OR 

that was a STORY I TOLD myself 

to KEEP myself FROM 

buying a second 

COPY 

I'm honestly not sure 

BUT 

my attempt to lay odds might be

don't bet against 

there being 

TWO books

it might not make sense, but just don't 

there's tai chi in a park I haven't been to 

BUT 

it's near things I know 

it's at a TIME 

when

TRAFFIC will be unavailable 

OR

a time TOO early 

I thought tai chi in the park SOUNDS fun 

then I'm all LIKE 

well then do you have other THINGS in the AREA 

I don't want to drive in traffic 

THREE we need to leave by three and have three hours of something planned in the AREA 

OR 

morning 

OR

I MEAN 

alternatively 

freak out at the IDEA of the park

there's a school of tai chi in the AREA that when I looked it UP

SEEMED 

to ONLY have free classes in parks

SO

MAYBE 

the school is one on one instruction 

idk

I think it might be awesome 

BUT 

I feel like I'm missing 

SOMETHING 

I have no 

CONTEXT

for

I MEAN 

do they program the park

I guess they DO

I went to the

PARK

website & looked at the calendar 

SO

do they pay the school 

OR

is it like a community thing

BUT 

if you like THIS we can show you MORE 

for an undisclosed amount

OH

it's late

SLEEP now

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 🫶 

sprouts are sprouting

LOOK 

they're starting to sprout 🌱 

YAY

check in march 18th

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I hope you are having a beautiful day 🫶 

stuff about my evening

also

kornacki primary results 

I guess it was

st patrick's 

& I ignored it as I mostly have 

the last time I went out for st patrick's*

*unless I was somehow out without being aware that it was st patrick's 

was LIKE 

twenty eleven 

I went to Fitzgerald's

somebody from work was having a 

SOMETHING 

it was semi- chill

TODAY

I watched Steve kornacki

tell me about illinois

the ANTI- ICE candidate 

won over the "established" candidate

BUT 

I don't think 

kat abu won

I like this configuration much better than 

the old MSNBC model

this is just him and his producer 

talking about counties

it's LIKE 

when they talk about

baseball player stats 

forty percent of the time 

in this configuration 

I really groove to that

number crunchy 

chit chat

or however you would describe that

I didn't clean through stuff 

I got overwhelmed 

I've had a headache 

& the changing weather is 

aggravating my sinuses 

BUT 

I've had a pretty good day anyway 

I hope you had a good day TOO 

I'm going to try to sleep now

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I think I'm still caught up 

trying to 

think

about clara's return to rwandan 

bog standard

scottsmen

I feel like I might learn 

I also probably 

should respond in some meaningful messages 

tied myself up ---too many variables 

am I even making sense at this point

---doubtful 

I do love a navaho rug on a cold night

goodnight sweetheart 🫶 

more thoughts

I am ALSO obsessed with 

PALMISTRY 

I feel like 

ALL

the palmistry is 

COMPLETELY --- not telling me what I want to KNOW 

ALSO

death & justice

CARDS

OH

and probably judgement and the tower 

BUT 

I got myself 

DISTRACTED 

with the IDEA of them all being

like VINTAGE neon

or maybe 

SIGNS

check in march 17th

I DECIDED 

I wanted to go to 

I was trying to talk myself into

couldn't quite make myself go to the

unitarian church

that I'm trying to convince myself is walking distance 

AND

I'm just NOT buying

ANY

of

THAT 

& THEN I remembered there's a UNITY 

and I thought about that 

AND

I wasn't BUYING THAT either 

you HAVE to interact with people 

SO I thought 

MAYBE 

buddhists, maybe 

I'm finding 

some interesting stuff 

I'm not really sure what I'm looking for 

I've shut down 

I'm looking for people I would enjoy to be around 

I haven't tried buddhists yet 

there's a place

really close

that was started by 

a religion 

professor 

and 

a therapist 

it's supposed to be tibetan buddhism 

AND

there's a  ---nam myoho renge kyo

really pretty close 

there's the zen center 

in the heights 

& I've known about that

didn't THINK I'd like it

SEEMS

I'm not sure whether to say

intimidating &/or off- putting 

there's this

I MEAN 

it's in a beautiful old house

in a neighborhood of

EXPENSIVE 

houses

it's all beautiful 

BUT 

it's TOO MUCH too far

it feels too SERIOUS maybe 

I thought about it 

YEARS AGO

I didn't WANT to go 

the tibetan one

I have no idea

well, that's not true

I watched some videos 

I'm not sure 

I watched the people who lead the meditation 

I'm not sure I love the chant

I think I'd rather learn it

in tibetan 

the chanting 

SHOULD REALLY BE

the cool part

BUT 

they seem like

REAL people 

they're 

TALKING to the 

ASSEMBLED

group 

like they are capable of 

& YET 

I don't really KNOW what I WANT 

if I WANT the SHOW

or the people 

I guess I WANT a SHOW in the SENSE that 

I WANT a KINDA 

ritual something something 

I ALWAYS kinda

wanted that

BUT 

I could never really find it anywhere 

& I stopped looking years ago

BUT 

it's necessary for the rebuild 

I gotta interact with 

the FRAMEWORK 

I'm not sure

WHY

check in march 16th-ish

I'm sorry 

it's like my mind was

WORKING on an SOMETHING 

& I just didn't 

TALK 

I'm not

SURE what it's doing 

NOT just ONE thing

I THINK 

I love the way the slow banjo sounds

& I'm slipping 

into the nooks & crannies in the narrative 

by which I mean

I don't know what I think 

about all the

directions I'm running with it

I'm ALSO 

really thinking about 

TIME TRAVEL 

which I haven't done in a while 

I started the sunflower seeds 

I cleaned some 

I listened to

some videos about the RED BOOK*

*carl jung

some videos with handpan

edgar casey predictions of 2026

my dad was super into

edgar casey

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I'm gonna try to sleep now 

ps -- it's cold again -- weird

I'm gonna try to sleep

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

IDEA march 15th

I have this kinda something 

rolling around in my 

HEAD 

I wanna try to 

TELL you 

ABOUT 

it

I take a jar of PICKLES out of the REFRIGERATOR 

I find myself 

STANDING in the kitchen 

refrigerator door 

OPEN 

I WANT ---SOMETHING 

THIS  ---is a place I am broken

that sounds really dramatic --is it really that dramatic 

THIS ---connects me to my father 

it's late night binge eating 

I'm NOT 

BINGE eating 

OK let's be 

CLEAR

you ONLY have healthy food in the house

& you are limiting quantities

you're calling it a meal

you still fit in your clothes

I'm talking about what you are enacting

I ALMOST DIED ---last night ---he said to me

and then he would tell me a story 

being up

LATE

eating in the night

I FEEL like I should ADD something 

BRIGHT LIGHT in the KITCHEN 

he had eaten

CHEESE 

& PEANUT BUTTER 

& he almost hadn't lived

to TELL 

AND

REMEMBER when 

he tried to teach you about

bulimia 

BUT 

you were too THICK to pick up on it

I take a jar of pickles out of the refrigerator 

I take the lid off 

I DRINK

PICKLE JUICE ---oh good the pickles are basically STILL covered with pickle juice*

*there is a somewhat joyful acknowledgement of this fact since it came late in the process and couldn't be assured 

is THAT what you WANTED 

WELL 

I MEAN I think the point is that you are trying to USE FOOD to FILL

a METAPHORICAL

HUNGER

BUT 

if you're asking 

it KINDA 

HIT the

SPOT

check in march 14th

the sun is shining 

the weather is fine

I'm happy to be 

ALIVE

I'm grateful for a bunch of things 

YOU, for example 

I'm still not sure exactly what that dream was

ABOUT 

BUT 

my nervous system is SO MUCH better 

I'm okay 

I'm doing okay

don't worry about me 

just send the positive vibrations 

this could be a beautiful world 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

weird dream

I dreamed I was in some sort of treatment facility 

I guess you'd call it

something 

PSYCHOLOGICAL 

I think 

& I needed to pee

I was going to walk up the stairs 

to go to the bathroom 

& SUDDENLY 

there were

SO MANY 

people 

coming DOWN the stairs

& my therapist -- or whatever was going on 

SAID -- DON'T GO to the bathroom 

JUST PEE

into the

PILLOW 

now, that might strike you as a strange directive

it certainly seems STRANGE to me now

& I think it seemed strange to me in the dream 

BUT 

she was quite serious 

AS THOUGH 

it was an important exercise for my recovery 

SO

I DID it -- peed into the pillow -- 

SITTING on the FLOOR 

AND

the pee MOSTLY didn't seem to ABSORB 

it pooled out into the floor 

which ALSO 

was a non-absorptive surface 

AND

the beautiful GOLDEN liquid 

RAN EVERYWHERE 

I crawled around 

wiping it up

WITH the PILLOW 

which now seemed to absorb just fine

COLOR in DREAMS 

always SEEMS important to me 

I wasn't embarrassed 

I wasn't angry

I wasn't frustrated 

I was just

FOCUSED

on the task at hand 

AFTERWARDS 

I stood up 

I wasn't FAT anymore 

I have no idea what that means 

thoughts march 12/13th

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

I remember hearing that live

in northampton 

walking around 

before the show outside 

& it must have been fall

because the

LEAVES

were

SO

RED

&

there were three of us who were put together 

at a table because we were all

ALONE 

&

strings broke

TWICE

& unrelated to that

yay for

ZIPPERS 

sleeping now, goodnight sweetheart -- march 12th

I had a dream last night 

that unsettled me

I was working on

SOMETHING 

something 

LEGAL 

(I think)

I went into an office 

& I was talking to a woman 

& she's LIKE 

no no

this is wrong 

it will cause problems 

that you don't have 

SOMETHING 

& I realized 

I had no idea what the f*CK I was doing 

& I was LIKE 

WHAT is WRONG with ME 

& I realized 

I didn't know if that was her office 

or my office 

& there was a grocery cart

apparently missing

from the hallway 

& I have been 

trying to figure out 

if it's a stress dream

or

me telling myself 

SOMETHING 

I watched a lot of videos on tarot decks

& oracles

& I'm thinking about how people keep 

acting like anything t*ump does

is about making sense 

in some way 

BUT 

narcissists aren't worried about making sense 

or consistent thought

it's ONLY about 

perpetuating 

the delusion 

what he says and does

isn't (from his perspective) checked against 

ANYTHING 

there 

are 

NO 

FACTS 

WHAT can we DO

to make them

CHANGE the laws if the BIG BLUE WAVE comes

HOW 

can this be FIXED so that it's not just gonna happen again the next time we pick a president 

HOW 

do we LONG-TERM 

SOLVE 

this unbelievable mess

march 11th

it is raining 

HARD

again today 

I love to listen to the rain

I think I want to change the high priestess 

instead of sacred geometry 

maybe

a BRAIN kinda projecting a third eye upward 

& I think the MAIN meaning of the 

hanged man is supposed to be 

perspective 

the octopus 

as it turns out 

ACTUALLY IS

very strong 

I hope you are having a beautiful day sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

it was not a talk-y day

I've had 

one step beyond 

by madness 

in my HEAD 

all day

I happened to look at the clock

at 11:11

BOTH TIMES 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I'm going to try to sleep now

one step beyond

good day sweetheart 

I'm going to try to sleep now

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

good morning and good afternoon

I saw this video last night

I was looking for 

jimmy kimmel 

then I realized they just do week days

BUT 

then I saw one with sarah silverman

& suddenly I realized 

I'd seen it before 

it was something that went viral 

like seventeen years ago

& I don't think I even knew who jimmy kimmel was

& I didn't know who he was

when they were threatening to cancel him

I'm only watching him NOW because of THAT 

I THINK 

BUT 

I thought the sense of

just CRAZY in-joke

FUN

was so different from the world I feel like we are in now that it made me wonder how much of that is just ME post mental break (or whatever)

I don't want to be stressful 

I'm going through some

CHANGES

but I 

am UP to them, I think

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

more tarot thoughts

I was thinking about 

the moon

the sun

the star

I feel resistant to give them 

SYSTEMS

I'm not sure 

WHY

the moon could easily be 

the sub-conscious

or something 

the sun

could be something to do with happiness 

although that seems asymmetrical 

in a place that feels like it

WOULD BE

symmetrical 

the star is like -- hope/dreams for the future

THAT

FEELS 

personal

I feel weird about a system 

although it could be

of course

I KEEP wanting 

STRENGTH

to be an OCTOPUS -- maybe because eight

or I don't KNOW why

I don't think I can make a good case for it

I still KINDA want 

the foot and LEGO 

although I think the devil is about

being trapped in 

addiction 

or limiting beliefs 

not feeling in control maybe 

when you have a strong 

NEED to CONTROL 

the tower

I had some idea -- which I'm remembering as being really different somehow 

because of

the

PORTALS 

I can't remember 

I'm really not happy -- how did I not write it down 

the hanged man

I like to think

is a shamanic thing

BUT 

it's just as legitimately WAITING 

surrendering to a situation 

where you have limited

CONTROL 

maybe even seeing things from a new perspective 

I feel like I might not know the whole story 

on the hanged man 

sprouting idea

I LIKE sunflower sprouts 

& I just found this 

RECIPE for

CRACKERS made from LENTILS 

& if those are good 

I could do a goat cheese

topped with sunflower sprouts 

& it would be SUPER healthy 

NOW

I'm not great at growing things

I'm CONFIDENT I CAN 

grow radish sprouts 

I'm pretty sure I 

have the jar

sunflower sprouts are a little trickier

probably not that tricky 

I've always thought 

it was too much trouble 

BUT 

I've got this WHOLE fantasy 

about living off grid -- growing my own food

I decided 

it would be a really useful thing 

it have a steady supply of 

sunflower sprouts 

& if I can do that 

it has a bunch of benefits 

& is a baby step to the growing your own food

supplies cannot be found reliably

unless it's at a farmer's market 

& those have multiplied

over the years 

there are three or four that are close-ish to me

I haven't been to any since at least 

pre-pandemic

BUT 

even if they were available 

at adventuresome

LOCATION 

GROW 

how am I not good with plants

sprouts have directions -- rinse twice a day

FOOD 

goodnight sweetheart

HEY

I don't know 

whether I'm CRAZY or sane

& I don't know 

HOW 

MUCH of what I think I know is a projection

BUT I am standing HERE 

LISTENING 

to the

RAIN

& I

FEEL you MOVE through me

additional thoughts

I had got myself distracted 

MAYBE 

with alligators

the IDEA of

being comfortable 

with alligators 

just out in a boat

FISHING 

and

the bridge 

and

key largo 

for some reason 

although 

it doesn't seem like the right geography 

for some reason 

still

streaming consciousness

I hear thunder

maybe 

it will rain

again

I was ALSO thinking 

if you were gonna tie each card

to some system

or whatever 

WHAT about judgement 

I feel like I don't have 

or didn't HAVE 

NOW

maybe I DO have 

it's tied to the concept 

of the bodies popping up at the trumpet call

THAT 

ALWAYS really turned me OFF 

& the meaning never would 

really STICK

BUT 

it's about 

the PHOENIX energy 

NEW

SO

then HOW is that DIFFERENT from the ENSO

BECAUSE 

ya STILL got the WORLD

& MAYBE 

it's back to the gnostic IDEA of remembering 

I contain the DIVINE SPARK 

BUT 

what SYSTEM does THAT -- oh wait, I SEE

you're bringing this up 

BECAUSE 

you think it ties into 

the IDEA I said 

I LIKED -- for something, when I had it, so now?

CIRCUS GNOSIS 

I don't KNOW I'm not sure HOW it fits

it doesn't SOUND great

if ya say it aloud

I DO LIKE 

the way it looks

MAYBE 

it just reminds us of 

IF I RAN the CIRCUS -- for sure it's a little that

BUT 

is there a system that takes you through 

a kind of de-programming

is that necessarily a 

SPIRITUAL process -- I WANT to say it is

if you go to a tony robbins seminar & get inspired are you any less feeling the spark

I'm not sure 

OR

is it NOT a PROCESS specifically NOT 

is it the

JUMP

THAT SEEMS RIGHT 

it's the POINT where YOU interface MAYBE 

AND THEN 

you go through to the WORLD 

OH

I JUST got it

the HERMIT 

GENIUS 

brain chatter really

I'm having this

RECURRING 

something 

where I'm LIKE 

& I think I've tried to describe it before 

I feel like it's important 

MAYBE 

it's psychic 

BALLAST

something about 

HOW 

everything was okay at any point in the past

HOW 

everything organized itself 

there's a BIG picture 

& then there's the little picture 

& sometimes the bigger picture 

isn't all that obvious to the

day to day

HOW did that WORK again

I slept and I felt like I was working things out

BUT 

I've got so MUCH work to do 

I'm looking at myself 

SO 

I guess I'm dealing with the body image issues 

skincare is, once again, hitting it out of the park

mvp product --  ma:nyo bifida ampoule mist

in my defense 

the spokes for the BODY management 

I SEE -- ONE department -- please continue 

LENTILS 

excuse me WHAT does LENTILS mean 

they are SOME KIND of MAGIC

VERY healthful

I think there's a slipperiness about what people really care about in your mind and you wonder if whatever you have to say only has meaning for you and there's a core part of you that knows some people want to know things that are grounded in the real world and it's good to try to touch the real world and this is another part of the psychic ballast

LENTILS 

digest better than just about anything else 

you can make them into anything 

nutrient dense

cheap

headache slept till a couple hours ago

RAIN

well

I think it's 

MORE my romanticized version 

than actually quantum entanglement 

thoughts

I mean I guess I'm KINDA half doing it

my original thought

for the lover's card had the chakras 

but then

I drew my quantum entanglement 

PORTAL

& I thought maybe it was TOO much 

BUT 

since I'm the ONLY one who will 

I'm still don't really want 

to add a bunch more RINGS 

& the high priestess 

has sacred geometry 

SO

I'm half doing it

SEE

am I even making any sense here

the thing I was talking about was the

DESIRE to make

every card correspond to a system 

or at LEAST a KEY 

CONCEPT 

QUANTUM entanglement 

I'm going through them like steps

beginner's mind -- the fool

magic*  -- the magician

*like that first step where you take the material elements & you use them as tools to create the world or operate upon it

sacred geometry -- the high priestess

not sure on three

it needs to be

RIGHT 

the emperor 

I think of

POWER 

& mastery over the environment 

& I also think of the DIVINE masculine 

& FATHERHOOD 

talk-y talk

after I did the book of five rings 

I kinda want the all to be that way

& I wasn't prepared to do that 

it wasn't the plan at all

AND

I go back and forth between 

this hand drawn

or slicker more graphic images

I want to think this through 

I have always wanted to do a tarot deck

& I'm ALSO 

WORKING through 

STUFF 

I'm trying to FEEL my feelings 

the outside world

is outside world-ing

I am trying to untangle this angry reel I heard earlier 

MAYBE 

the reason I'm having trouble 

is that I'm not really 

a democrat 

I just vote for them because I'm ANTI- republican 

I really like jasmine crockett

BUT 

I was already 

in the fight

I WANT for us NOT to be a two party system

& I WANT candidates that have a 

MESSAGE 

a particular type of message

& it does look like

the Republicans cut themselves tightly 

& counted on hispanics

being permanent 

IN SPITE of the ABUSE 

the republican run off is gonna be

UGLY 

& I really hope that just turns people against

BOTH

of them

the sheer number of democratic ballots

pattern indicates 

democrats

heavily favored to win in November

paxton is SO checkered

BUT 

maga loves him

& he's neck & neck with cornyn

BUT 

as a consequence of listening to this reel

I was LIKE 

how many women have been

texas senators

I'm LIKE 

barbara jordon wasn't a senator 

WAS she

NO

kay bailey hutchinson is the ONLY one 

idea about barbed wire

I was playing around with the 

IDEA of the devil

I like the idea

of the

bindweed

from the gaian tarot

SO

I had this barbed wire thought

i think this visually isn't quite doing it

HA HA

I just got an image of a FOOT

STEPPING 

on a LEGO 

high priestess & lovers card thoughts

I think the high priestess 

is going to be

a sacred geometry shape

moving between two crescent portals

the empress

I'm not sure yet

the emperor 

I'm toying with a fist

BUT 

that might be TOO aggressive 

the lovers

I don't want to do a cute thing

I am playing with 

i'm trying to get something 

that has an organic 

flowing shapes

both in and out of the portal

BUT 

I'm not sure if it 

READS

as connected 

I really am liking it 

I just don't know if it only read to me

check in march 5th/6th

I pretty much thought all day

BUT 

I guess I didn't 

SAY 

anything 

I'm trying to figure out 

HOW to represent 

the high priestess

the empress

the emperor 

& the lovers

I remembered that I have to figure out

the court cards

I thought about 

krusty gnome

I thought about my mom 

I found a comedian I never heard of that I really like & he seems so calm -- jo koy*

*possibly it's all one word

I thought about 

regime change & corruption 

& my central nervous system 

I thought about you 

& how you're doing 

I'm going to try to sleep now 

I'm doing ok 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

goodnight 

more tarot

I don't think I told you my 

CONCEPT 

with the TUMBLEWEEDS 

it's like they're coming up on ya

tumble dee 

& tumble dum -- what's it gonna be

all attitude-y 

it's still a little blurry

I'm thinking 

collage

BUT 

I'm uncertain 

I'd KINDA 

like to stick with black & white

I like how the big manga pen looks

BUT THEN

I liked the look of the fountain pen too

& ALSO 

I don't think it'll look great in manga pen

MAYBE 

the next size smaller

I really like those

PIGMA SENSEI 

I also thought the FOOL originally 

that japanese calligraphy 

what's it called 

ENSO

that was my more complicated version

with big manga pen

the FIREBALLS 

are 

whirling around

FULL of ENERGY

the two of fireballs is -- pick me. pick me.

then the badges are more static 

BUT 

they've got the 

oracular feature

& will have much MORE visual

& RAINDROPS

I'm trying to get an emotional VIBE 

& I'm not quite there

I'm experimenting 

I keep wanting 

it to be

in color

I found a blank cards on eBay

I want to get some kinda

workable sample

so I can test 

HOW 

it WORKS

it is entirely possible that I've made it

TOO literal

& then I'm trying to make the RAINDROPS 

TOO esoteric

a raindrop with a sprouted plant refected inside 

two raindrops 

INTERSECTING

maybe with a rose reflecting inside 

but maybe that's too much 

three I'm not sure yet

four are dripping into a bowl, I think 

five is some kind of representation of flooding 

if I can figure out

HOW 

seven I'm THINKING of

that Escher print

where the birds turn into fish

& then you try to spot

WHERE 

HOW 

that connects with 

RAINDROPS 

eight has an umbrella 

nine is a rainbow made of raindrops 

ten is the water cycle -- which SEEMS TOO MUCH 

I skipped six

I wonder if that's significant 

six is WATCHING rain

through the window 

maybe there's a garden, maybe that isn't necessary 

and the court cards

I didn't even THINK about 

that's a BIG chunk

f*CK

I need to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

thoughts about five

this is an IDEA 

rather than the high priest

which is tradition 

FIVE

if the fives are

about 

struggle against obstacles 

in one way or another

why is their archetype tradition 

WHY isn't it 

BOOK of FIVE RINGS

these are pretty rough -- probably rougher than it'll end up

The FOOL

the MAGICIAN

thoughts february 4th

it's been an interesting day 

that was the nicest interaction 

I've ever had

with a police officer 

THAT 

was KINDA surreal 

I worked at a coffee shop

I liked to shoot the breeze with a guy we called

BOSTON COP*

*I wasn't born a f*ckin cop

gigi's dad was a police detective 

I have actually had a traumatic experience 

with a cop

I've had slightly scary 

I've had very unpleasant 

I've had oh my god wtf

BUT 

most of what I've had is

there are only so many reasons you want to do

that job

& if you started out with good ones

how'd that go

BUT 

this one was

youngish

nice

& in an information gathering mode, afterall

check in february 4th

I just had 

a very nice police officer 

banging on my door 

trying to find out 

if I knew where my mom was

& if I wanted to come get her stuff 

I explained 

the narcissistic abuse break

how I had no place to put her stuff 

& didn't really think it was appropriate for me to 

take it even if I did

BUT 

I did tell her 

the last known whereabouts 

& made sure she had 

the right name

SO

THAT

was exciting

can't sleep a regular schedule

I didn't sleep 

the MORE 

I think about it 

the MORE 

I think your last one

is ACTUALLY 

GENIUS 

or

I've entered some new 

level of reading 

too much 

into to

things

which we all know I'm prone to 

I think 

it's you are genius 

I'm lucky to know you 

goodnight sweetheart here's a creepy angel

I was thinking about the chariot

& I had this IDEA about

wheels within wheels 

& angels

BUT 

this might be too weird 

we don't need no stinkin badges

OK

NOT medals

BADGES

if this works 

it makes it KINDA a combo

of a tarot & Oracle deck

LIKE 

ace -- YES!

two -- a yin yang symbol & juggling award

three -- unity & work & something I'm not sure of 

four -- NO! & whatever, not sure yet

five -- MAYBE 

six -- stronger together 

seven -- wait & see, LOOK, crossing guard, etc

eight -- do the work 

nine -- all access

ten -- YOU WON!

I think I'm doing much better

I'm going to sleep now 

I didn't tell you what happened today 

BUT 

it was a good day 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

THOUGHTS & IDEAS

was it tony orlando and dawn 

who sang 

tie a yellow ribbon 

I've got that in my HEAD today 

& ANITA HILL

AND

I WANT to write an ESSAY 

ABOUT HOW 

I FEEL 

or not exactly how I feel, but what I think

or not exactly what I think, but how I think it feelingly-ish

AND

I have this IDEA brewing for this 

maybe MINIMALIST tarot

not really minimal 

BASED around

PORTALS

or

CIRCLES

KINDA

simple raw images

BUT 

THEN 

I start thinking

if I used

the

PSYCHO TUMBLEWEEDS -- as the AIR element 

you could get another CIRCLE in there

could I make that work 

AIR

is the more troublesome 

it's MOSTLY about

CHALLENGES

in the

PIPS

I might could make that work 

BUT 

what kinda circle can we get for FIRE, oh immediately 

CAR LIGHTER -- heater element 

I mean visually 

it'd be cool 

it's seems 

KINDA

insane when you start trying to tell stories 

oooo

what about 

SUNS it's a little WHACK but it could work

I've seen moons done

NOT so well as to be an endorsement 

as such

I MEAN 

TUMBLEWEEDS 

& FIREBALLS 

RAINDROPS 

oooooo

& MEDALS

medals could be cheeky

or it could be 

Applebee's 

which is my

shorthand 

for

like the LEAST of an expression of TYPE

I went to all those chains

bennigans

TGIFriday's

& metals could go wrong like that

WORTH a TRY though

I dragged a table and stool onto the stoop so I could drink my coffee in the sun

I hope you are having a beautiful day 

even in this WHACK world 

I watched this new 

channel guy

& he SEEMED to be describing us

in a lot of ways

BUT 

of course I'm not sure about what's going on with you right now 

he said 

you were going through a 

HERMIT phase

that was enriching you greatly

that it was something you

MAYBE had avoided 

in your life before 

BUT 

NOW

it was bringing you just what you need

& you were pretty into it 

& that it was in some ways 

inspired by my recent struggles 

& in other ways

the THING 

that's needed to bring us together 

the channeled message as a real thing 

IDK about but I tend to think they are

at least a synchronicity thing

& the part about me was

supporting to me

BUT 

I don't really feel like I can

project my journey 

ONTO you

SO

if you're doing a HERMIT thing 

then I hope it's going great

& if you're not 

I hope whatever you ARE doing is going great

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

the better check in

I'm still experiencing the world as

STRANGE 

& I'm still FEELING emotions

BUT 

ALSO

I'm still doing SOME shadow integration 

I'm noticing my BODY de-escalating 

& MOSTLY 

I'm trying to FEEL -- I keep forgetting the WORD 

SOVEREIGNTY 

& it's a little bit jarring 

because I just WAS

tapping my chest

LIKE 

along my collar bone

TELLING 

myself -- you're SAFE now

BUT NOW 

I'm NEEDING to FEEL this NEW THING that I'm not AT ALL even SURE I understand 

& there are different ways to do it, probably 

& MAYBE 

I DID understand 

BUT 

from a different framework 

& NOW

it seems like something completely different 

I'm serious about it 

& I heard something on a cchannelledd*

message

which I'm now using 

as an abbreviation for the whole process 

what the message said -- the universe is lining it all up for you and it needs you to

DECIDE FASTER 

BUT 

not like

HURRY 

LIKE 

ENGAGE with your DESIRES

OR

what do you think you want 

what do you like

what would you

ENJOY 

maybe I'm not conveying this well

there's this state I'm trying to get to

where the desire to eat delicious food 

& the desire to have a fit body

have a conversation 

reach an agreement 

meet on some kind of rational ground

& the f*CKed UP scripts can all be burned

I am being kind to myself 

BUT 

I'm ALSO

EXPECTING -- LEVEL UP

*these words make me mad