goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

❤️👾🫚❤️

💌

I feel like

at SOME point 

when all the

SIGNS 

are

good 

I

MAYBE could stop STRESSING 

BUT 

THEN

it's like hubris or something 

I'm TRYING to TELL myself 

BUT 

I feel closer to you

AND

I feel like maybe that doesn't 

CONVEY

the 

poetry

BASEBALL, man

AND

I MEAN

WOO HOO!!!!!!!!!!

I'm SO stressed

OH

I had forgotten about the GAME

I went to check

&

it's the bottom of the 

NINTH

&

I can't watch the little green line go back and forth

DOES that sh*t even make

ANY

SENSE 

I LOVE you 

when the gummy hit

I watched it

AGAIN 

with

the sound off

because I'd had the sound off

on my phone

I would never have thought

to do THAT 

BUT 

it took me down a WHOLE other path

I'm intellectually*

*if that even makes any sense**

**in this context

questioning the

CONTEXT

BUT 

surely

when dealing with

PSYCHIC STUFF 

they CONTEXT

is

PERSONAL 

I've got Rhapsody in Blue 

in my HEAD 

&

EXPERIENCING 

PHYSICAL 

JOY

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚

a SWEEP would have been

AWESOME 

BUT 

very unusual 

but what is this messing with players

in PLAY

I spent therapy 

TRYING 

to articulate what is going on with me 

he seemed to get it

even though 

I don't think I was particularly 

SUCCESSFUL 

with description 

I got my sticker

& also

grocery shopped

I FEEL 

less anxious 

I THINK 

& the music in my HEAD 

is POSITIVE 

BUT 

I don't know what I want to say

I'm trying to figure out 

how to get the stuff

I've arranged 

to make 

LIFE

user friendly 

from someplace other than Amazon

I was happy for the

CONVENIENCE 

BUT 

I don't want to give him my money

how are you holding up 

I've seen a few

SCHOOL HOUSE ROCK

style things lately 

AND

AMERICAN 

NEEDS

MORE of THAT

VIBE

BUT 

I'm not LIKE 

BOUNCING off the furniture 

BRAYING gibberish 

EITHER 

I'm 

JUST 

in a kind of a weird place 

I gotta go to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋

I am having 

a lot of stress

I'm not sure 

I'm handling it well

I'm not sure

I'm sane

!

check in

it's like

a REALITY CHECK POINT 

AND

I was thinking about 

the conscious community CONCEPT 

I know the idea has floated

I'm not sure why

it hasn't 

CAUGHT 

move a bunch of blues back out into the wilderness

I just decided 

MSM

I have these pains

and this whole

SLOUGHING*

*the spelling of that was like a side quest

I just ate a bunch of sourdough bread

didn't even TOAST it

with BUTTER 

&

I that's like

WEIRD 

DETOX ing

it's KINDA weird though

LIKE 

I'm all trying to analyze 

WHAT does that

MEAN 

about me

AND

I did a lot of analysis 

AND

extrapolated off from there

AND

I feel LIKE 

I got to some completely different places

I GUESS 

I end up asking myself

QUESTIONS 

about myself because I am what I'm trying to 

FIGURE OUT

Elie Mystal

whose name I am NEVER certain I'm pronouncing correctly when I very much want to pronounce it correctly 

Elie Mystal

makes me happy in a way I think I should be able to categorize 

I WANT to tell him somehow that what he does matters to me

EXCEPT it isn't really what he DOES 

EXACTLY 

I MEAN I could SAY

he's my favorite TALKING HEAD

which sounds REVOLTING 

and isn't 

ACCURATE 

I SAW him FIRST as a talking head because of his actual work which meant that he could speak knowledgeably about the supreme court

BUT 

I liked his TAKE on things

SO I looked him up on twitter 

AND

THAT

like COMMUNITY 

HOLDING it DOWN 

LIKE 

I can't exactly explain 

I just checked in on the score

of game 3

🔥🔥🔥

I haven't been reading with

the brady tarot

because 

I think of it as a TOUGH LOVE deck

& I was less HEAVY 

I've been reading with

the GENTLE tarot

& this one I just recently 

UNEARTHED 

the tarot of the four elements

BUT 

I'm a MESS

& the brady tarot 

called me TODAY 

SO

I thought ok, fine, what can it tell me

I'm LIKE 

I don't f*CKing KNOW the

QUESTION 

UNIVERSE

JUST TELL ME

WHAT you want me to KNOW 

I ate an entire 

WEDGE

of aged goat milk cheese

LAST NIGHT 

&

it DID 

make me feel BETTER 

I feel NAUSEATED 

again 

NOW 

& I have 

NO

MORE 

CHEESE 

cheese actually raises serotonin in you body

ARE YOU 

holding up

BETTER than me

I really HOPE so

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 🫶🫶🫶

I took my car to be inspected 

I ate solid food

I scrolled

social media 

I talked to my mother on the phone

I was too 

tired 

to do anything else 

I lay down 

I fell 

asleep

I just woke up 

my mom 

wanted to know 

something 

how I am

or what's wrong with me

or

something 

I don't know 

am I sick

idk

am I better 

maybe 

maybe you want to know this too

I'm sorry 

I just don't know 

I suspect 

I'm overwhelmed with stress

mildly

jacked up 

with hormones 

I got the car inspected 

I didn't go to the grocery store 

to get the 

sticker

all I could do was the one thing

good morning sweetheart 💋 

I hope you are having a beautiful day 🫶

I LOVE you VERY much 

👾🫚

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

I gotta go to sleep 

🫶👾🫚

OK

I'm taking a break from scrolling 

WHAT are they

DOING 

I got this SAME

WTF

when they

DOUBLED

DOWN

on CRAZY before 

I FEEL like the polls aren't representing the REAL

DO they KNOW 

they've LOST 

& they're 

PREPPING for the TAKE-OVER

they CAN'T think they're WINNING by

ENOUGH MARGIN 

AND

they CAN'T think

THIS 

is what the 

UNDECIDED voters WANT 

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚

the floor section 

they had the stadium 

set up

for football instead of soccer

I'm not sure WHY

BUT 

it had yard lines 

& for reference 

the "floor"

was fifty yards

& like

EVERY SEAT was FULL 

they started letting people in at three

it was LIKE 

FIVE

before I got in

& the "floor" had a BUNCH of kids

one little girl was doing

CARTWHEELS 

until things filled up

& there was a LOT of DANCING 

I'm SURE some people 

came to see BEYONCE 

BUT 

THAT was NOT 

the VIBE

& EVERY ONE

of ALL thirty thousand people 

want ted cruz 

GONE

I KNOW 

I SAID last time

I thought TEXAS would go

BLUE 

& it didn't 

AND

MAYBE it won't this time EITHER 

BUT I THINK 

it MIGHT 

I was trying to find footage 

of the lines

I KNOW 

the news covered it

I was planning to go at 1pm

doors were at 3pm

BUT 

I heard on the news

that there was already a line

at 11am

SO

I went ahead and went earlier 

I wore a jacket I have

with a bunch of pockets

so I wouldn't need 

a purse at all

it was too HOT 

I took it off

almost immediately 

tied it around my waist 

so my upper arms

we're exposed 

& are pretty 

BURNT

when the SUN 

went behind a cloud

EVERY TIME 

PEOPLE 

CHEERED

the people RUNNING the EVENT 

had HUGE stacks of WATER 

& MEDICS

AND

I gotta tell you

they NEEDED them

BUT 

it wouldn't be 

UNUSUAL 

NOT 

to have them

there was a middle aged white couple 

near me in line

after it was condensed and moving

EVERY time we stopped 

the woman threw up

& the guy fell into the fence 

they were flanked by two older black women 

running support & interference 

& I thought they were

LIKE a group

BUT 

at the end of the line

they were LIKE 

if we get separated 

I just want to 

THANK you 

the white lady

was LIKE 

at one point

I'm from NORTH TEXAS 

& I'm not used to THIS 

HOW 

do you do THIS 

I'm LIKE 

NOBODY ever REALLY 

gets used to THIS 

& even those

of us who LIVE here

WE DON'T 

stand outside in the HEAT

for five hours

I had said to someone earlier 

LAST week

I THOUGHT FALL was finally here

it's not Halloween YET 

came back at me

I KNOW 

I've lived here fifty seven years 

& I still have 

WEATHER AMNESIA 

SUMMER is

APRIL through OCTOBER 

the pallets of water

the volunteers

we're walking around 

handing them out

it was

INTENSE 

I have been to sports events

where people 

TRIED 

to do the WAVE

in Houston 

I'm taking about 

it was

NEVER 

very impressive 

this dj

said something about a 

BLUE 🌊 

and the 

ENTIRE stadium

MADE

THREE COMPLETE -- all levels FLAWLESS 

SYNCHRONIZED

&

he said

ONE MORE 

& we did another wave

it was HOT 

& keep in mind

I've barely been eating 

SO

I was all kinds of shakey 

sweaty

staggering around

there were an impressive number of people 

the soccer stadium 

it's NICE

I'm exhausted 

& I need to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

goodnight 🫶

👾🫚

OK

THAT 

almost killed me

OK

two and a half hours until they open the door and  you would not believe how many people are here

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

SOMETIMES 

I think I sound a little science fiction ish

BUT 

I could REALLY imagine 

& then I stop and wonder just how hermit I'm BAKED into

NOW 

&

I don't KNOW 

👾🫚

I KEEP thinking 

CONSCIOUS COMMUNITIES

SOMETIMES 

I think

in RED STATES change the political landscape 

BUT 

MAYBE it's a little tied into my

FANTASY off grid adventure 

a CONSCIOUS COMMUNITY 

SEEMS 

LIKE 

CREATE your own ADVENTURE 

TINY house VILLAGE 

3D printed houses

SOME satisfying HIVE-rise

it APPEALS to me 

for the reason 

that

JAPAN appeals to me

SORRY one

of the reasons 

ALSO

MAGNET schools worked

they didn't 

WORK perfectly 

there was still a lot of stuff 

that should have done different 

BUT it's difficult 

to maintain 

HATRED

while existing NEXT to someone 

in the SAME CONTEXT

& it's trade-offs

everything's trade-offs

NOW 

I'm uncertain what I mean

I'm sure I had a point

you have departments 

to CREATE 

CONTEXT driven divisions

it was integrative

BUT 

SELF SELECTING

the BODY thing

it's NOT 

SEXY

it's like

idk

MOLTING 

maybe that's not a perfect analogy 

PIECES of my body 

FEEL like 

they're coming OFF

there's this

NUMB

PAIN

well

I KINDA 

picked my face pretty bad

BUT 

I feel like I covered a lot of ground somehow 

I feel good about it 

and then I wonder if really am just

KINDA full of myself 

&

I SAY NO

I'm a little scared

RALLY 

BIG 

CROWD

it just seemed like the RIGHT thing to do 

& it seemed like 

BEYONCE 

was NOT gonna be there 

which whatever 

I got CROWD issues 

I MEAN 

I'm living a METAPHOR in a way

MAYBE 

THAT is my STORY 

I live life

STORY

LIKE 

I SAY

I'm getting scared

BUT the voting 

DIDN'T 

idk make me feel some kinda way

I NEED MORE 

& I cannot make myself 

f*CKing function 

AND

I NEED to TOUCH 

the energy

maybe 

I didn't ASK myself 

I just signed up

don't I KNOW 

I'm a f*CKing recluse 

BUT 

there's NO WAY 

it wasn't a 

MESSAGE from the

UNIVERSE

ignore at your peril 

I SOMEHOW 

FEEL like 

I DID 

SOMETHING 

BUT 

I DIDN'T did I

I just thought about it 

YES--

G*

*this is cool if you get it, but every second since I typed it I don't think I can pull it off, but I love the look of it, f*CK it just became a tag, WOW, the fact that I now think it's probably irresponsible to leave it up because who could possibly follow that

NOTHING is

CHANGING tonight 

we are TRYING 

SOMEWHAT unsuccessfully

to RELAX 

MASSAGE 

I'm good at it

ANGLES are sometimes a problem 

I hit emotions 

felt a bunch 

THOUGHT 

a bunch

MAN

I WISH I could SEND you

THAT segment 

I'm sorry 

I WANTED to be 

TELLING you 

ABOUT how my

BODY feels 

it's 

ODD

BUT 

I'm having 

EMOTIONS

NOW 

OK

BRODO spicy nonna

is delicious 

BUT 

eight ounces of bone broth 

is a SMALL serving

for a MEAL

I'm NOT making bone broth

because it is just

TOO MUCH 

I also got

some low sodium organic bone broth 

& added spices to it

& it was fine

I've had Swanson sipping broth

before 

& it's tasty 

BUT 

not organic or anything 

DR KELLYANN  has more protein 

BUT it might have "collagen" added

which apparently means

ground up cow hides 

& I'm not sure 

your body can actually use THAT 

I've heard contradictory things

I'd like to just drink

great gobs of BRODO

BUT 

I'm not SURE what I'm going to end up DOING 

I am feeling better 

my brain seems clearer

I feel less SICK 

BUT 

still have MOST of my weird symptoms 

I LOVE you 

I feel VERY LUCKY 

to be making this journey 

& VERY grateful 

that you

are

HERE 

I KNOW there are a lot of WAYS 

that this is probably 

NOT 

HOW 

you thought all this would go

& I want you to KNOW 

I'm NOT discounting any of that

I APPRECIATE you 

I LOVE you 

& although I can't 💯 say for sure

I'm pretty sure 

I'll be MORE FUN 

when I'm more healed 

I don't know what I want to say

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I FEEL like 

I should have 

BRILLIANCE 

BUT 

I'm still not sure 

what's going on

I ate some

peanut butter stuffed dates

it was a small package 

three dates 

BUT 

they tasted good enough 

I ate all three

NOW 

I'm KINDA regretting that decision 

I thought KAMALA did REALLY well 

was she perfect 

JESUS 

does she have to be perfect 

I don't KNOW 

I'm saying NO

BUT 

I'm freaking out, MAYBE 

SO

let me just say

I will pull it together 

I'm okay 

I don't think 

whatever is going on with me 

is a SIGN that things are going badly 

I'm just

overwrought 

OR

maybe my body just decided it wants

LIQUID now

ONLY liquid 

THAT

would be a pretty extreme 

MOVE

my body isn't usually so

INTENSE 

goodnight sweetheart 💋

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚

🫠

BONE BROTH 

&

THIS TOWN HALL

I just made a shake

I make them with this whey protein 

& cantaloupe 

which is why I'm always 

BUTCHERING 

the cantaloupes 

I drank about a third of it

& now I can't do

MORE 

I don't know what to think about it 

I don't FEEL right 

BUT 

I feel like 

it is entirely possible 

that I'm just overwhelmed 

OR

it's entirely possible 

that I'm 

SICK

my hip sockets HURT bad

my lower back

HURTS bad

idk

SOMETHING 

is going on

I voted ALL Democrat 

there was one seat

a judge

R unopposed 

I didn't vote for them

there were four Democratic judges

running unopposed 

this is a predominantly Democratic county

I'm KINDA 

OVER texas though

as a whole

&

I'm signed up to see

VP HARRIS 

on Friday 

SO

HOPEFULLY 

that will happen 

BUT 

I'm just a 

MESS

I guess I feel better today 

BUT 

everything HURTS 

I've been laying on an ice pack

I don't feel like 

I'm gonna vomit 

BUT 

I do still feel queezy

and food doesn't sound good 

I DREAMED 

about a group of fighters

who lived

in a space ship

which may or may not

have actually gone into space

AND

I DREAMED 

I was in this house

which had all these original elements 

BUT 

they were weird carved trims and stuff

I thought they were hideous 

&

then I was drinking water

out of a pitcher 

in the washing machine

which was some partial cycle something 

It was delicious 

BUT 

I wasn't really sure

what was in it

I'm sure there was more than that

I slept like thirteen hours 

BUT 

THAT'S what I remember 

I hope you are doing well 

idk what's up with me

I didn't eat anything today 

just plain unsweetened 

hot pu ehr tea

I still feel like 

I might vomit

idk

NOW 

I took a sleep CBD gummy 

& I'm under my

WEIGHTED 

BLANKET 

&

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

I hope I feel normal again tomorrow 

goodnight sweetheart 🫶

👾🫚

❤️

when I woke up

this morning 

I felt 

SICK 

like I was gonna vomit

or something with the other end

I texted my therapist 

I was sick

& went

BACK to bed

I don't know if 

it's stress

or hormones 

or sick or what

BUT 

I slept all day 

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚

it was interesting 

I did enjoy 

the interactions

BUT 

I was grumpy 

& all in all

I feel vaguely unsatisfied 

with the voting

I didn't get to put the paper in the scanner

& see the flag wave

AND

I TRUST this woman implicitly 

to cast my vote

BUT 

I have this VAGUE -- did I lock the door, sort of 

I DON'T love THAT 

BUT 

LOTS 

of people at the polls 

TODAY 

she wasn't gonna WAIT 

in a line around the 

BUILDING 

&

I wasn't gonna ask her to

BUT 

all the RECALCULATING 

was making me

grumpy 

they HAD curbside 

it just was

incomprehensible 

I pulled in next to this old guy in the passenger seat, no driver

is THIS the curbside?

YES-- there's a woman we'll flag her down

I had been lucky enough to pull up at the time that

the bus from the senior home was

MAKING CLEAR the WAY 

the first person I talked to is like you NEED to be in one of THESE TWO parking spaces

& I'm LIKE 

there are cars PARKED there

I cannot BE in THOSE SPACES 

CAN I WAIT 

in this space, until those are empty

this woman approaches 

& I KNOW she is the ONE to wave down 

she tells me

I'm voting curbside too

because it just doesn't make sense 

& if anybody asks

JUST SAY 

WE

are VOTING

I REALLY WANTED her to vote TODAY 

I WANTED to be

FIRST DAY NUMBERS 

& I realized that 

while I told her to check her voter registration 

I didn't actively follow up 

&

I found out

she did update her registration address 

she did NOT update her

driver's license 

I had already talked to someone 

who had to be "approved by a supervisor"

because one id had middle name

& one had initial 

I didn't have my voter registration card 

because no one has EVER WANTED to see it

ALTHOUGH 

I ALWAYS 

bring it with me

it's the FIRST day of EARLY voting 

if they won't let you VOTE 

you can

COME BACK with your 

PAPERS

I took my mom to vote

I found, super close

a HILTON 

in the galleria area, only it didn't SEEM to be there

we went to hcc west loop

which is where I've been early voting 

since they stopped having it

at the unity church

I KNOW she can't do that WALK 

BUT I was PRETTY sure 

they'd have curbside 

SO, OK

after you vote curbside

then you can drive yourself home, right

I am pretty sure it's only

the disabled person

is how they couch it

NOT 

everybody in the vehicle 

& besides I WANTED to wait in line

BUT 

they'd been busy

MACHINES CHARGING 

WAIT maybe thirty minutes 

I'm LIKE 

would you like to WAIT 

or do you want to go to that place you used to go

I want to vote

FOREVER 

at the first place I ever voted

FELIX Mexican restaurant 

it was maybe a party room

BUT 

it had those beautiful PAINTED chairs

wood with that WOVEN straw or whatever 

PINK, BLUE, ORANGE, YELLOW 

& all decked out

this is montrose 

I felt like a very festive revolutionary 

this place my mom went was a service center

AND

the plan was wait in line

she didn't expect to have trouble with the walk

there WAS however

a LINE AROUND the building 

ALSO 

I'm pretty sure 

I had body dysmorphia

&

NOW 

I'm looking at myself 

thinking 

you LOOK 

BETTER 

AM I

or AM I 

LOOKING 

BETTER 

I feel good about it 

I think it's a good sign

POSSIBLY 

I'm STILL not making sense 

& I get a little 

OVERWHELMED 

BUT 

I'm trying not to 

I gotta go to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

🫶👾🫚🗿

YES

THAT 

CAPTUES

the FEELING 

KINDA like strength and awe

AM I making any SENSE 

melee dosed

CALMER 

BUT 

I have this feeling 

that I MIGHT be abstracted

TOO far

& I'm not sure I can tell

SO

I guess the tldr

I'm a little confused 

I'm a little stressed 

&

there's stuff happening I'm not sure what 

BUT 

YOU are 

WONDERFUL 

I'm trying to stay off that frequency 

I guess 

TODAY 

I lost THAT battle

BUT 

I ALSO 

thought ABOUT the 

CHARTREUSE 

walls, in the DREAM 

THEN

out at that show

& one thing

& another

it seemed like a SIGN 

AND 

I don't know YET 

BUT 

it made me really think about the

STUFF 

AND

I can't quite articulate it 

BUT grateful 

BUT 

a bunch of processing 

with different 

FEELS 

& I guess TODAY 

was the day

I'm a little 

OVERWHELMED 

in the talking 

DEPARTMENT 

I am stressing about politics 

I'm watching videos 

because 

I'm trying to find 

a replacement ink

for mont blanc oyster gray

I miss it

& it's been discontinued 

THIS is not important 

it's self soothing 

for the political 

STRESS

which

I MAYBE 

don't believe I should feel 

because I believe she's gonna win

EXCEPT 

THAT 

is the kind of thinking 

that SEEMS 

like hubris 

NOW 

SO

I don't THINK 

there's ANY

STOPPING 

the

STRESS 

to be clear I didn't have a prediction in 2016

I just was worried 

he would 

WIN

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚

🗿ps

did you see they dug down and found those heads on easter island ARE really the heads and they have proportionately large bodies underneath 

idk WHY 

BUT 

I couldn't believe 

NO ONE ever did THAT 

BEFORE 

I was reasonably certain I had been TOLD 

by some source I considered

RELIABLE 

that we KNEW it was

HEADS

I was looking for an emoji 

ya got a story

because 

I couldn't disconnect from it

when I SAW the emoji

it KINDA blew my mind

BUT 

then I forgot 

SOMETIMES 

I delete 

stuff like this that 

because maybe 

it SEEMS 

like WHY the f*CK is she telling me THIS 

BUT 

I thought it was illustrative 

& I FEEL 

something 

ABOUT easter island

I've been trying to decide 

HOW 

to describe the

EXPERIENCE 

because the

PROBLEM 

is

WORDS

FORM things

& it's MAYBE not completely FORMED

I KNOW 

I LIKE this gallery

this guy has

SOMETHING he's looking for in the art

NOT like is this a popular

THING

& I didn't THINK 

it was QUITE my thing

BUT 

I was looking around 

& it connected 

to the little girl in me who loved the Aadams fam

AND

my mom talked to the guy

I mean I talked to him

TOO, BUT 

my mom was all LIKE 

if we moved the small painting of the flower vase

into the bedroom or something 

could one of these

small ones

FIT THERE 

I'm LIKE 

ABSOLUTELY 

if you were going to get one

WHICH ONE

were you thinking about 

I AM telling you 

I REALLY love this chartreuse BIRD painting 

called HOPE 

I successfully USED the QR code

OUT in the WORLD 

I asked him

what the artist's insta was

AND

I KINDA want 

to go to the ARTIST talk

I thought maybe my mom would like to go 

when we left

got back in the car

I said SOMETHING & I KINDA wish I remembered 

because her answer was

NO those were really MORBID 

WHY

was she ACTING like 

she was MAYBE GONNA buy something 

I THINK I'm going to 

GO, though 

my mom said 

she had a really good birthday 

BUT 

she LOOKED kinda

CRAZED

when she said it, so

we saw an art show

& the gallery owner

he was REALLY 

NICE 

he was nice to us before 

they were SETTING UP a show

they were CLOSED 

BUT 

that wasn't immediately apparent 

SO 

we WANDERED UP

pulled on the door, found it to be locked, turned to go

he CAME OUT

& asked us in

it was STILL NOT 

immediately apparent 

I left her in the car, went to check, he met me

OPENED WIDE 

this is starting to sound weird 

it's an ENERGY thing*

*but also he opened the door like met me at the door, but that all started to sound like it might somehow be about me actually, and I'm not wanting to say that it was more about the welcoming feeling 

WHEN 

I got BACK with my MOM 

the DOOR was STILL 

OPEN 

(continuing)

eighty-one

goodnight sweetheart 💋

mom's birthday when I wake up

I've avoided her all week 

will that make this

BETTER 

or

will it be jarring

ALSO 

I'm confident I've got something for her

I'm just not remembering what 

it's not that big a deal

we rarely give gifts 

ON the specific 

DAY

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 🫶

👾🫚

I'm starting to think 

I get headaches

or actually sick

or

SOMETHING 

WHEN 

I have too much processing 

NOT 

LIKE 

I'm faking it, or whatever, but rather

I just have SOMETHING happen

AT the right 

TIME 

THIS 

is at least partially WEATHER 

we got a cold front

which is great from the standpoint of 

turning off the a/c finally

BUT 

LESS great from the standpoint of headache 

BUT 

I did have a lot to process, I think

I STILL 

don't really know what to think of that dream

I looked up coffin

it said womb

I didn't FEEL like 

THAT was 

ANY

CLEARer, plus it wasn't REALLY a coffin

it was MORE of a CAPSULE 

THIS 

is gonna probably SEEM really random 

it KINDA is

if you've seen

jefferson in paris 

there's this BED, it's like this niche, but opens onto

TWO different ROOMS 

or maybe it just SEEMED like that to me 

BUT 

it HAUNTS me

SOMEHOW 

in reality 

I THINK I favor

MORE of a 

TUCKED into a corner vibe

BUT 

THIS has KINDA a TUCKED into a recess 

BETWEEN two

it has a 

CAVE

quality, I think that's the primal quality it 

EVOKED

AND I don't know WHY I'm taking about THIS 

it's just some

IDEA

that calls to me

PULLING 

MORE 

than

makes any SENSE 

OH

I was talking ABOUT the "bed" in the dream

I ALSO 

have traditionally felt 

DRAWN

to those Chinese ROOM beds

SO

ENCLOSURE 

is a recurring theme

THIS one

in the DREAM is more enclosed, smaller

MORE TRANSPARENT 

RATHER 

than being futuristic 

it seemed to be

of UNKNOWN

TIME 

& natural materials 

I FEEL like 

there was a rug on the floor 

I don't remember 

I FEEL like 

the rug was a spiral-form woven rug

but maybe not 

very flat, low-key, beautiful utility 

I don't know 

what this means 

BUT 

it's NEW

I've just been 

SEEing you 

in my mind all day

I'm so distracted 

don't FEEL well

BUT 

THERE 

YOU 

ARE 

SO 

BEAUTIFUL 

& 

HAPPIER

it made me

than what Simon Rosenberg just said

about the momentum

❤️

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚

OK

that was a lot of sleep 

& I'm still VERY tired

BUT 

I had dreams

SOME of which I remember 

though

I'm not sure

what to make of them

I had a ROOM 

that was cool, but kinda bizarre

the walls were like a chartreuse 

& an enormous dresser

very dark wood

antique

with a giant mirror

& many many drawers

it was really attractive 

& it seemed like it was kinda tucked into a recess

but it went like floor to ceiling 

& it was wide too

at least six feet wide, maybe more

there was an attached bathroom 

I'm not sure how many people 

lived there

BUT 

at one point

there was a guy on the toilet

and a girl in the tub

who seemed to be

having a relationship 

AND

I'm LIKE 

this is MY room

it was odd

THIS 

is the really weird part

there was this

THING

in the middle of the floor

&

I guess this is when I was first getting the room

it was like this beautiful 

I want to call it wicker

BUT 

it wasn't visually heavy

it was WOVEN kinda basketry

but sleek

& nearly transparent 

& curvilinear 

it still SEEMED antique 

BUT 

I don't know how old it was

because it was clean and fresh

slightly millinery 

I'm all LIKE

is THAT a coffin

can I sleep in that

I had an enormous 

VAMPIRE thing

when I was a kid, so it didn't strike me as

QUITE as weird as it might seem

THEN

there was ALL this running around 

with three other women

changing shoes

not

like trying on shoes

LIKE 

switching for different 

I'm not sure WHY 

tennis shoes

some other shoes

it SEEMED to make sense 

in the dream

BUT 

they don't seem different enough 

that any of that was

NECESSARY 

ALSO

LOTS of running around 

changing cars

& seats

it was all friendly 

BUT 

it was like

CHINESE FIRE DRILL 

there was MORE 

about

WHAT we were doing 

that I can't remember 

it seemed 

NOT that important to me 

BUT 

I didn't have a lot of feelings about it 

in the dream

it was just

THE THING that we were

sort of uncritically doing

sort of manically

I have

NO idea

what any of that means 

BUT 

often my dreams have

familiar elements 

&

NONE of THIS

seemed at all familiar 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

I'm falling asleep 

🫶👾🫚

I'm trying to figure out 

so MUCH stuff

I want to 

represent the experience 

BUT 

I just know

I FEEL less CRAZY 

I am not holding on by my fingernails 

BUT 

it still feels 

PROCESS-Y

maybe I should have 

written MORE 

from the standpoint of 

feeling your energy 

BUT 

it's harder to describe than you'd think 

AND 

SOMETIMES 

it's very sexual 

BUT 

other times

it's just

a FULL body thing

I'm sorry if

I was somewhat 

provocative 

& then

just 

passed out

I had a bad headache 

& was super tired

didn't sleep 

much

SO

I lay down and took a nap

I don't usually do that 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

I want to clarify 

I think the

foundation thing

is me

I feel like

I'm confused again 

you have been

VERY supportive 

through all this

BUT 

I feel like

there's something 

I haven't answered for you

& I'm not sure what it is

I am yes continuing 

I'm NOT giving up 

I was talking to my therapist 

he is semi fighting 

with his family 

about

the election

I told him

t*ump triggers me

& he's like, yeah me too

his niece blocked him on social media 

his 91 year old mother

told him

he better work out his issues

before thanksgiving

last time we talked 

he was not going to thanksgiving 

I guess that's no longer his plan

they're all rich, apparently 

hey, I say

if you need to skip thanksgiving 

no no, he says

he will make nice

I don't understand 

what am I missing 

he told me again 

I should be a therapist 

I floated my nervous breakdown theory

& he's like 

well maybe not exactly 

BUT 

you did have a break

just recently 

I think he means

when I was trying to quit the job

BUT 

surely

when I was triggered

back In May or whenever that was

surely THAT was a WORSE break

he says I'm so much stronger than I think I am

AND

I wonder

what does that really mean 

I MEAN 

I think I'm pretty strong

he hasn't asked me

what I THINK about my strength

I told him

at some point

when I was losing my sh*t

that I didn't feel supported 

& couldn't he give me some

exercise or something 

to not FEEL like 

I was COMPLETELY losing my sh*t

& he had nothing 

to me t*ump represents

MAYBE more than any single person 

the qualities

that trigger me

he has those narcissistic traits

that flash from mom

EVERYTHING must be my fault

because she can't ever be wrong

REALITY might change from day to day

because everything is 

external and right now

giving him/her what she wants right now

He's got that entitlement going

because he's a narcissist 

BUT ALSO 

because he is a rich white man

who only sees

the rest of the world

in terms of what he wants from it

"working the angles"

using small businesses to build things

then not paying them

so he ruins them

to get his sh*t cheaper

THAT was what he did BEFORE 

when he was IN OFFICE 

he USED the office

to whatever he

could squeeze out of it

for personal profit

& f*CKing aggrandizement 

he can't distance himself from ROE

the way he would kinda like to

because he CAN'T 

stop patting himself on the back for overturning 

he takes the just say whatever

with no shame

not true, no problem 

just say it 

AGAIN and AGAIN 

& people 

will either think it's true

OR

they will not know anymore 

what is and isn't true 

& just slip into

apathetic acquiescence

his hardcore base

are grievance driven

& he rages with them

& SOUNDS "right" to them

because he has like a third grade vocabulary 

they don't WANT someone 

SMART or ACOMPLISHED

they want someone 

who will make the bad people suffer

AND

this new statement of his

HOW the military 

should STOP 

the "radical left"

people are apologizing for him

trying to say what he MEANT 

BUT 

I'm pretty sure 

he said what he meant 

ENEMIES WITHIN 

he says 

ALIEN & SEDITION ACT

John Adam's SHAME

MAYBE 

the military is supposed to keep me from voting

he doesn't really understand 

HOW the country works

& he doesn't really CARE

I'm pretty SURE 

it's all just

REALITY TV 

to him

AND

AMERICA 

even with the many ways

it doesn't live up to

it's promises

MEANS MORE than that 

to me

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

☕👾🫚💌

I saw a video 

with an interview with 

michael moore 

he thinks it's kamala & not close

& he's been right

2016 & 2022 notably

I'm pretty sure

carville thinks it won't be as close as predicted too

t*ump stood on the stage

and sort of danced

for like thirty-ish minutes 

to ave maria and YMCA

that strikes me as

kinda bizarre

I feel you 

like an electric current 

moving through me

I was telling my therapist 

ABOUT 

how triggering I find t*ump

& HOW I feel like 

THAT was a big part of my sort of

LOCKDOWN crazy

for me

the SENSE that the world had GONE MAD

& I was GONNA DIE

BUT 

NOW I'm getting 

SOME sort of mashup of 

if I only had a heart & if you are among the very young at heart

walking back from therapy 

I mean

so I'm not sure what that means 

I cried some in therapy 

about how

I never thought of myself as someone who

(like a lot of women do)

just sees to everyone else's needs first

& I didn't realize 

I had this other thing going on 

BUT 

the difficulty I had

leaving that job

which should have been 

pretty low stakes

points out to me

CLEARLY 

that I have a problem with just saying 

it's okay to be focused on 

what is best for me

EVERYTHING 

doesn't have to be some HARMONIZING 

greatest overall happiness 

I can prioritize me

because 

even if I WANT to be all harmonization Hannah

can't give water from a dry well

I guess miriam has the moving well

so perhaps that whole metaphor is 

not the strongest 

BUT 

MAYBE I feel guilty

for not being RIPE yet

MAYBE I understand that that could go bad

you might run out of patience 

& I'm having all these FEELINGS 

about what the f*CK am I doing with myself 

I'm LIKE 

starting over AGAIN 

with the information I had already gleaned

& having to find my place

in a world

that has changed so much

over the course of my life 

it's LIKE 

a double whammy, somehow

BUT 

it's just what everyone has to do

EVENTUALLY 

that's what growing looks like, I guess

AND

a lot of people don't grow 

& MAYBE 

I'm not a natural with this stuff

BUT I have a steep learning curve

I'm all LIKE

it's been a whole year

I should be fixed

BUT 

I'm trying not to do that to myself 

& he thought the idea

that I should be fixed by the one year mark

he thought it was funny

ABSOLUTELY!

I'm glad I approached things

from an

it is only with the heart

one can see rightly 

because I've had

all sorts of

THOUGHTS

that if I hadn't done that

I would be 

FREAKING out 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

and I'm getting all this

sort of surging

ENERGY 

that I usually associate with 

YOU 

SO

I'm assuming that means 

you are thinking about me 

the cards are so good

BUT

there's still a tower in there

BUT 

with beginning cycle 

ENERGY 

SO

MAYBE 

that's telling me 

WATCH that FOUNDATION 

also this particular tower

SEEMS more like

ENLIGHTENMENT 

TWIN 

for me is a multi-phasic term

it's LIKE 

a completer ENERGY 

I've told you about it 

it includes love twin flame type energy

BUT ALSO 

secret language stuff

& understanding

BELONGING

in a kind of core way

more later

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋

🫶👾🫚

if I looked you in the eye

and said

you KNOW I love you, right

would that have been

the right thing

to do

I gotta go to sleep 

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚

RED tornado

I been thinking about that 

and I been been thinking about that 

and sometimes 

I identify 

with it

the RED

BUT 

it could be read as

almost any strong drive

that's not like

advice 

it's MORE an attempt to describe 

the visual

I LOVE you SO MUCH 

I am doing a lot

of thinking about myself 

OH

OUTSIDE the framework 

I'm literally JUST 

getting 

that

that's 

the word

I mean

Texas Campfire Tape

is the correct name

or maybe it's tapes

I literally just 

looked it up

BUT 

am somehow not sure

I sometimes want to listen to the one where she

sets the field on fire

I don't really remember what it's about 

I just remember 

THINKING 

it was a special song

CONVEYED something 

but I don't even KNOW 

did I connect with it

or did it hold

the key to

SOMETHING 

I saw her live

& I don't really remember the show

it was one of a very few

I feel like 

I should remember it

she went KINDA crazy 

& kinda got cancelled 

& I can never

find it on YouTube 

LOOKS like 

it might be on Spotify 

I don't want to deal with Spotify 

I'm NOT saying 

it's not user error or is

I'm all turned around 

MIGHT just be me

I semi frequently 

use this tarot thing

on my phone

it's not an app

I just Google it

frequently

I just ask it

what's up with us

& it gave me four of cups

which might mean

lots of things

for other people 

BUT 

for me

this is ALWAYS 

the cards

that means

NOTHING can dissuade him

from loving you

from the reading 

with the angel tarot

with that woman

at metaphysical matrix 

that finally tied into Amy's

second reading 

about listening to the angels

which had initially 

bothered me

because I maybe don't believe so much in angels

THAT'S the trouble with the 

"psychic" messaging

it's not going to tell you anything 

BUT 

you recognize the stuff

as it unfolds

I was very sure

you were my person

from the start

& I was sure

you loved me-- totally certain 

from so early 

it seems like impossible that you could have

BUT 

by the time I got that message 

I was radically uncertain 

& I was just thinking 

it's taking me

SO LONG 

to get myself back together 

I was feeling like

I MUST be a drag

BUT 

I MEAN 

I don't have any other way to do this

it's just gonna take 

however long it takes

&

I'm sorry it isn't faster

BUT 

honestly, MORE because I want to be functional 

than because I don't want to be a drag

I'm building it back from the ground 

& that's just BETTER really 

I NOW understand that 

I probably wasn't 

so much crazy as neuro-divergent 

& I'm trying to navigate 

all THAT 

it MATTERS to me 

this idea that you cannot be dissuaded 

from loving me

just like

you are the one thing

I have wanted

and pursued

across I'm going to SAY MOST

of my life 

I don't believe 

I was in any way wrong 

I TRUST myself 

that you are

my one

BUT 

I just don't currently 

get how that all

fits together 

I just know 

that it does 

❤️👾🫚

good morning sweetheart 💋 

I hope you are having a beautiful day ❤️ 

I LOVE you VERY much 🌼

I gotta sleep 

I'm not done thinking 

I LOVE you SO MUCH 

goodnight sweetheart 💋

🫶👾🫚❤️

I've got

on top of the world

stuck in my HEAD 

and

on the drive

I imagined myself 

doing all these

KINDA 

run to him 

movements

AND 

I should not have let myself 

go that long without food

BUT 

it had to do with 

TIME & distance

I was grumpy 

BUT 

I got food in me

TURNED ON the whatever it is

SAW what an AMAZING day I had

AND

the pipes

are

breathing a song

it's the damnedest thing

it's like the air-conditioner humming

that's what I thought 

I'm melee dosed

I ALSO thought

the ENERGY 

was

SO like everybody is living 

this moment 

I SEE, ya know 

WHY

it's like

I can ONLY take in so much information at a time

LONGER would be better 

I KINDA scared myself 

with the 

TENT

it's been a while 

and

there's a WAY 

it was super bridging 

I just LOVE you 

I still don't know what I'm doing 

BUT 

I'm not so worried about it 

I wanted to see you

because I feel like

I was in a somewhat altered state

those other times

&

I'm not sure I'd call myself quite right now 

no, I'm definitely not 

I think this was all I could handle

there's a WAY 

in which

I WANT to KNOW 

everything 

BUT 

the truth is 

the desire to know everything 

in a certain way 

precludes 

the actual knowing

BUT 

the turning loose of the story line making

alters other perception 

I SOUND really WEIRD to me

OK

THIS will make MORE sense 

while I'm actually living

I'm trying to come at THINGS

in the moment-ish*

when I write about it to you

I turn the whatever it is 

BACK on

I'm SEEING a bunch more STUFF 

did I always have this DELAY 

I don't know 

I was never looking at it from quite this way

I've always had my FRAMEWORK 

which included fantasy

to be SURE 

BUT 

it broke 

and consequently

I'm real uncertain about certain areas

I'm still confused 

BUT 

I think that ok

I have been thinking 

I've heard about

kerville 

I MEAN 

when I was in college 

CAMPFIRE songs

was recorded there

ON A WALKMAN or something 

with the crickets

that stuff had

MEANING 

to me

&

it's funny

I had it all pictured

in my HEAD 

it was this VAST FLAT place

idk WHY 

I'd been to the hill country 

the town

SEEMS 

I was gonna say gentrified 

BUT 

really it's more complicated than that 

there's a WAY

in which 

a lot of information 

has a sort of

PROCESSING DELAY

AND

I'm pretty sure

that could be happening here too

SO

if I seem some kinda way, or whatever 

KNOW that 

I'm not trying to be 

some kinda WAY 

I'm going right at things

& then later

saying 

OH

LIKE 

I think I was maybe rude to the

tarot reader guy

I didn't mean to be, but I'm pretty sure I was

I used to feel confident 

in my ability to 

LIKE 

KNOW what was GOING on 

HOW 

I was woven into the fabric of space time

what the other people 

would understand 

my words to MEAN

I had all that stuff with the therapist

about figuring out WHAT people

WANT 

to KNOW 

I'm having a moment with that aspect of me

THAT was 

SO GOOD 

WARM ❤️ 

I'm not sure 

do I SEEM 

as if I'm a frightened animal 

or 

STILL 

the distant way

I think I sometimes 

am

I imagined you 

running around 

playing with your friends 

& it made me happy 

WARM ❤️

made me happy 

I hope you are having 

a beautiful day 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

I think 

a lot more writing is coming 

🫶👾🫚

I just got the tower

I really hope 

that doesn't mean 

the poem

offended

mutable is not meant in it's "fickle" modality 

it's more like astrological 

mutability

I LOVE you VERY much 💋

I walk along 

the slightly treturous gravel path

and FLIGHTS of butterflies 

burst by me

to the left

to the right 

AGAIN & AGAIN 

until I ACCEPT their heraldry 

MONARCHS 

in a few weeks 

their pageant is EXPECTED in oaxaca

for dia de los muertos

SOULS of warriors 

ethereal beauty BUGS

in the end

we are ALL

fragile creatures 

FIERCELY BURNING 

& the REASONS we NEED one another

are BOTH 

constant and mutable

you're talking to people 

& I feel awkward 

I'm not all the way back

from CRAZY

&

HONESTLY 

I am not looking to get completely sane

I think you are amazing 

& I'm so glad 

I got to see you

I can't thank you enough 

for what an amazing 

TWIN 

you have been 

I LOVE you 

to infinity and whatever 

I LOVE you 

SO MUCH 

❤️

❤️

I'm probably not 

making any 

SENSE

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

I'm falling asleep 

👾🫚🫶

AND

I SAID 

ya know, universe, you could play that song

miss bell's sweet tea

because I remember it

as a road anthem

from a time

which time

I'm not sure if I thought about it

& it did play it

LIKE 

to LIKE that line*

*possibly not that specific 

BUT 

it started playing another station 

LIKE yeah

did ya notice we played it

JUST

SO MANY BIRDS

OH

& I was THINKING a lot of

THOUGHTS 

not all of them were good

I wasn't vibrating 

at the

RIGHT frequency 

I was hungry, under-cafenated

I was listening to country music

& I heard that song

I think is funny

it's like REVERSE country

OH

I forgot the title

WHEN it RAINS it POURS

well

NOW

I'm hearing 

if I only had a brain -- scarecrow, wizard of Oz

SO

THAT does NOT 

SOUND

like the UNIVERSE 

the universe said

NOT 

to use my analyzing mind

it is only with the heart one can see wisely

I guess

I always expect 

just a LITTLE 

that the reader is going to be AMY

(I'm pretty sure her name was)

in santa cruz 

BUT she

had GUIDES

THAT

really was

the UNIVERSE talking to me

GREEN

this guy was pretty normal

he woulda given me 

a BETTER reading 

if I'd made the question 

CLEARER

I MEAN 

no sh*t

so he's going with

STANDARD meaning 

ALTHOUGH 

when I looked at him

like the betrayal thing didn't CONNECT 

he THOUGHT really HARD about

the three of swords 

could be

MIND over MATTER

THAT'S nicely VAGUE 

SOUNDS 

like the UNIVERSE 

CRICKETS 🦗🦗 

are my animal messengers 

& butterflies, I suppose 

ALTHOUGH 

I'm never sure

if they are

FLYING 

at your 

CAR

does that change the meaning

SEEMS 

like it would 

CRICKETS

are LUCKY, and perhaps other things 

I haven't eaten 

& I'm somewhat lightheaded 

I found a tarot reader

crossed my path

so to speak

&

while he got a lot of the same cards

I've been getting 

his reading 

didn't make much sense 

all I REALLY got out of it was

END of a CYCLE 

THINGS 

happening QUICKLY 

all kinda vague sh*t

about

betrayal & assessment 

WHAT is any of THAT supposed to mean

AND

when he got the hierophant at the end

he SAID 

I could get a government job

because I'm "good at beaurocracy"

ICK

maybe I AM 

I used to joke

at UH

you're ALWAYS getting a minor in beaurocracy 

I HOPE 

THAT is NOT what the universe has to say 

goodnight sweetheart 💋

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚🌼

I haven't worn this much

early on in the lockdown 

I needed to feel

like I had

what I used to call

WARRIOR jewelry 

I bought some when I left starbucks 

AND 

MAYBE 

it wasn't REALLY the jewelry 

so much as the

STONES

I found this 

WAYWARD ranch

PLUME agate

it was raindrop shaped

from the marfa area

it had this mysterious quality

a jeweler on Etsy

cut it herself 

&

I bought the cabochon and I asked her 

if she could set it somehow 

so I could 

WEAR it

BUT 

the settings she suggested 

weren't doing it for me

SO

I designed one

& she made THAT 

it SEEMED a little busy

BUT 

it was supposed to represent 

some sort of

CONNECTION to that feeling from the beginning of the journey 

when I wanted to be standing 

at the bottom of the sea

that was now a desert

PROJECTED

into the 

FUTURE 

that I wasn't SURE 

I was gonna 

LIVE 

to SEE 

I don't think 

that I ever told you about this

BUT 

I'm looking at it 

TODAY 

oh

& I meant to mention 

really great

tunes at lunch

including 

marty robbins 

which I haven't heard in so long

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚🌼

💌

I don't KNOW 

BUT 

everything worked out 

AND

she ACED the cognitive 

she got the three words

then she drew a perfect clock

we got her diuretics 

SORTED

hopefully, because otherwise 

she is gonna be back having i.v. LASIK 

before too long

THEN

we went for ultrasound 

THEN

when we were back in the car

discussing how to avoid

turning left

where it's IMPOSSIBLE to do

I'm all LIKE 

do you remember the three words 

& I'm like

sh*t

do I remember the three words 

& the first one

& the last one

no problem 

the middle one

I'm LIKE 

is it sunrise or sunset 

&

I'm like I get THOSE mixed up

ALL the time

BUT 

so I stamped it 

like your cousin 

she's LIKE 

BIRD*

I hold my breath a little 

NO wait

banana, sunset, chair

this is like at least an hour later

& nobody told her

keep remembering 

I was KINDA impressed 

we went to lunch at Raven

which I don't seem to enjoy 

I'm not sure

WHY

BUT 

I got it right today 

spinach salad 

I feel like I've never had an experience with 

spinach salad 

which explains 

THIS choice, but I was VERY satisfied 

I think 

when in doubt 

default 

soup & salad

they have a lemon caper dressing 

I really love capers

I'm looking 

forward 

to it

she also remembered the name

of the diuretic she wasn't taking anymore 

we said it a bunch today 

I can't remember it

I suggested the bookstore 

she said yes

I suggested the whole foods

she said yes

her doctor is gonna get her

some sort of sleep monitor test

she maybe has the apnea

I see why she wanted me there

and she got herself to the testing place yesterday 

which we were going to do

FRIDAY I think 

SO

it all worked out great

I was a little AFEAR'd

OH

&🫶🫶🫶

TODAY 

went well

I think 

I'm trying to 

figure out

WHY

I think I passed out

again 

last night 

I'm doing 

doctor visits 

w/mom today 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

I hope you have a beautiful day 🌼

☕☁️☕☁️☕☁️

I KNOW 

I MUST be 

SOMEWHAT confusing

because I'm somewhat CONFUSED 

I'm TRYING to 

LET GO of the idea that I have to KNOW 

what I'm doing 

because it's a necessary 

STEP, somehow 

the NOT knowing, for change

I had FORGOTTEN about 

HERMES 

the god of transition 

I am not SURE how to EMBODY that

I FEEL like I THOUGHT 

I DID at the time

BUT 

I subsequently didn't 

I THINK 

MAYBE 

the reason I'm so out of sorts

is that

I haven't caught up 

PROCESSING 

I KNOW 

I DREAMED about you

BUT I can't 

REMEMBER 

I THOUGHT 

you know this whole year

was maybe a low key nervous breakdown 

AND

THEN I THOUGHT 

sh*t, maybe it's been since the lockdown 

you know he's still trying to rescue you from that

AND

THEN I got a little DOWN 

not gonna lie 

I'm in a bit of a FUNK

TODAY 

I think 

I was driving the car

I was gonna go to whole foods 

BUT 

I couldn't 

THEN

I thought Walgreens 

BUT 

I couldn't 

SO

ULTA

I got a cleansing oil 

which was not EXACTLY what 

I had intended

to get

BUT

dear CLOUD ☁️ 

it's ADORABLE 

& has good ingredients 

& it's a Korean brand 

which SEEMS 

newish

& I felt VERY DRAWN to it

idk

I'm NOT sure if any of that

conveys

the odd quality of the day

the PAPAYA thing

I do not feel ripe

& I feel like

I have a rigid shell

& things are

BETTER 

in their

RIPENESS

right

it occurred to me 

that I'm not analyzing it 

to see if there are

negative ways

because THAT makes me 

CRAZY

I went to Ulta today

I used to like

to go there

it was a wander around 

DE-COMPRESS after work spot

I don't like it MUCH anymore 

I had a mild migraine, in fairness

that triggering m*thaf*CKer

is calling

global warming 

a hoax

AGAIN 

I mean STILL 

even in TEXAS

the general grumbling about 

WEATHER 

includes references to 

global warming 

I THINK 

if I could STOP getting upset

by that psychopath

it would be 

GOOD 

I'm watching Milton

it's SCARY

extreme rapid intensification 

I SLEPT a LOT 

I don't FEEL good 

idk WHAT is UP with me 

I sincerely wish

I was NOT constantly saying 

that Idk what's up with me

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

I hope your world makes more SENSE 

& I hope you have a beautiful day 

fell asleep 

woke up to pee

going back to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

🫶👾🫚

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚💌

well

idk why I keep getting things posted

to alternate blogs

I just came on to write this

& it was all

straw blanket field

SO

goodnight probably went there

without my noticing it

*sigh*

good morning sweetheart 💋 

the version of us

that lives in my HEAD 

as fictional characters 

or whatever 

THEY 

have this thing

BEATLES song CODE

& last night

I was getting 

here comes the sun

in my HEAD 

&

I automatically assumed

that meant 

you were happy with me

then the TAROT said

three of pentacles 

which is our card

since aught seven or eight

SO

I considered that

CONFIRMATION 

hopefully I'm right about that 

I am not sure if I'm any of

autistic or ADHD or whatever 

cptsd is a neuro-divergent thing too

SO

I'm probably some flavor of neuro-divergent 

MAYBE 

that makes me make more sense to you?

I hope you're having a beautiful day sweetheart 🫶

I feel like 

THAT 

doesn't COMPLETE the

things I want to

TALK about 

BUT 

that's all I can articulate 

RIGHT NOW 

IF 

you can call that articulation

I don't want it to be a test

I don't want 

STRESS

I want you to get to DO

the things

I've been thwarting with my STUFF but

I understand that 

it's a DYNAMIC 

&

I'm NOT sure 

I've been 

GIVING you 

anything COHERENT 

I TRUST the

CONNECTION 

I LOVE you VERY much 

I KNOW that

SOMETIMES 

I'm talking about the things in the WORLD 

& POTENTIALLY 

it might be stressful 

if you think 

I'm really trying to SAY

SOMETHING else

I'm TRYING here

I can't figure out HOW to articulate it 

& I'm NOT sure 

if it WILL 

BUT 

I bought a PAPAYA 

I LIKE papaya-- I like it a lot

I USED to eat it regularly 

BUT 

I haven't had it for a WHILE 

it wasn't RIPE when I bought it 

& it's ALWAYS this

DANCE

because REALLY RIPE

SEEMS 

to be SO CLOSE to 

skin broke open, attracting flies*

*which is the exact right time to eat it, but maybe not the exact moment you want to eat it

SO

I was ready to EAT

the PAPAYA 

& it LOOKED ready enough, ya KNOW 

& I'm all used to CANTALOUPES butchery

& I was SURPRISED at

HOW 

HARD it was to 

PEEL

the INSIDE was RIPE ENOUGH 

BUT 

the outer third was

FIRM ENOUGH 

to need a PARING knife 

BUT NOT 

reliably rigid enough 

to feel SAFE using a paring knife

AND 

the PAPAYA 

wasn't RIPE ENOUGH to 

just enjoy 

it's NOW gonna be a side dish with fish 

which will be fine

BUT 

NOT*

*I'm trying to think of a new good word for the thing you really want a thing to be, like not sub-optimal in any way

I have stuff 

I wanna say

BUT 

I can't quite articulate 

SO

Imma

work on that

I gotta go to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much 💋

goodnight sweetheart 🫶

👾🫚

🌼

I have CONSTRUCTED for myself 

a completely 

IRON-free world

I used to say

IRONing is AGAINST my religion 

which USED to sound

droll

BUT, serious

JOAN tried with the spray starch

I'm all LIKE 

the uniforms are POLYESTER 

the WHOLE POINT of polyester is you DON'T