Okay so I woke up today with a headache

And I took some Tylenol and went back to sleep and got up and I still had a headache

Then I staggered around a little bit and then I was like well let me call my mom

As far as I knew she was coming to pick me up

But when I called her she said she'd only gotten like 2 hours of sleep and that the elevator was broken and I mean I can climb the stairs no problem but it's a little tiring for her

So she climbs them you know that's fine and she can climb back down it's fine but you know she can't do it a bunch of times and she doesn't like to do it

And on 2 hours of sleep I'm not sure she's even safe to drive and then it just seemed like you know climbing the stairs and you know she would crash at some point because she doesn't have a lot of energy at the best of times

So she was like well let's not do it

I'm like okay

But then I've been up

And I made oatmeal

And I wish I hadn't bought rolled oats I really prefer steel cut oats and to be honest with you what I prefer even more than that is just oat bran because that's really smooth and nice and the texture is not like a requirement for my enjoyment

In fact my favorite oatmeal that I ever had was in Scotland and I'm pretty sure well I'm not sure that it was outbrand it might have been just regular oats but whatever they did to them they were very smooth and very creamy and I'm pretty sure they cooked them with at least milk and maybe well they couldn't have cooked them with cream or they would have made me sick so yeah must have just been milk

Yeah it's pretty funny I have very low tolerance for cream so like if I have chocolate mousse maybe cream I'm down for the count I'm going to be in the bathroom for hours

And one time I had custard and then after I ate it something made me ask you know was that custard or was it more like creme brulee was it made with cream and they're like oh yeah it was made with cream and I was like oh f*** I need to get the check quickly

To be honest with you even ice cream can be problematical for me I can eat like the HEB store brand ice cream but if I were to get like fancy ice cream it might make me sick so I mean that is why I know that the HEB ice cream is not made with a lot of cream it's pretty whipped up and it's only got whatever minimal amount of cream it takes to make it ice cream because it doesn't usually give me any kind of problem with my stomach at all

And that's you know been since I was I don't know 12 maybe was when I noticed it I don't know if it was going on before that so does that mean I'm lactose intolerant I don't know I eat a lot of dairy but the dairy I mostly eat is non-fat dairy I like non-fat dairy better for anything that's like milky although truthfully if I was going to have milk milk I prefer the 2% milk with the extra protein

Although that's bordens and I don't usually buy bordens but in that purple packaging they were a sponsor of the bullpen here locally at a point when I was going to baseball games more regularly which was kind of fun

But I would never drink a glass of milk I don't think I even liked that when I was a kid and they made me do it The idea of drinking a glass of milk especially a glass of like whole milk is kind of disgusting

But I love cottage cheese and yogurt

And I used to think soy milk was revolting tasting I mean really revolting tasting I didn't start liking soy milk until I needed to drink soy milk for the phytoestrogens or whatever and that was the point at which soy milk started tasting really good to me

So I mean there's a degree to which

Mike I mean I know there are trigger foods and there are food addictions and all that kind of stuff and I'm not saying I'm immune to that

But there's a degree to which my body kind of knows what it needs and I can kind of trust it you know

So I made oatmeal today I said f*** the eggs I've got a headache I feel crappy I'm not doing that b******* I weighed myself you know and it was still I think I was like 18 or something I don't know I was like you know what f*** this s*** so I made oatmeal and like I said I'm kind of sorry that I have the rolled oats because I don't like the texture of them very much but whatever it was still oatmeal and you know actually the net carbs on oatmeal are not bad at all The thing that actually kind of does me in is that I put like a s*** ton of raisins in it but you know raisins have never really caused me any problem either or or grapes

But when I was taking all that fruit to eat for lunch a while back I mean it's it's too much fruit you know I could have a little bit of fruit here or there but if I start having like regular doses of fruit then I tend to start having a lot of gas and stomach upset and whatnot

And so you know I've always kind of gauged how good food is for me for me personally by how my body reacts to it and you know as far as I know I've not had any problems with any kind of grains at all now when I had the oatmeal with the raisins and you know I didn't I didn't dial back the raisins at all I just put in the amount I normally put in which is like you know a lot I don't know somewhere between a quarter of a cup and a half a cup I think well that adds you know a lot of carbs and I thought well you know good this will be a good test because you know if I haven't had any carbs and then all of a sudden I have a big bunch of carbs then you know if I'm sensitive to that then I should get like all spacey or something right

Except of course that I've been feeling kind of spicy anyway so that was sort of inconclusive what I did notice right away was that my mood went like way up it just shot way up

So my mood has been pretty good but I still have a headache or I have a headache again I think it may have gone away sometime during the day briefly

And then for dinner I had some brown rice and some stir-fried vegetables bok choy and broccoli and eggplant and I had some chicken also

And the takeaway from that was man I forget how much I love bok choy

Bok choy is delicious

I'm kind of trying to think through the painting that's back at the studio I used a full sheet of watercolor and it's thick heavy watercolor paper and I use those granulating super granulating colors but with the watercolor medium to make them flow like the qor

Except they don't really flow quite the same way at all but they do flow more than they would normally so whatever you know

But they weren't quite doing what I wanted them to do so I got a spray bottle because I had a little empty spray bottle and I put water in it and then I put that medium in it quite a fair amount of it actually I used quite a bit of that medium I mean not like a half a jar or anything but you know a lot more than I would have thought based on videos of people I saw working with it who were like I'm going to put three drops of this in my painting water it's like okay whatever

So I put that in the spray bottle you know not filled up all the way just you know a couple inches and then I sprayed that you know and I kind of missed it it over the paper and then I painted on it and then I sprayed more to make things move and blur and whatever and I was pretty happy with how that worked and so is all very granulating very granulated

And then I put some salt over it the bottom part is going to be kind of rocky so I use big salt on that and I'm not sure that that really did much actually we'll see and then I sprinkled like just table salt over the whole background which should I mean different watercolors take differently to the salt and I didn't test all these colors with the salt it'll either work or it won't work but that should break it up more so it looks even more kind of granular but my hope was that the salt would kind of soak it up so it would make some more like little white spaces but it should give it more texture for sure and then I couldn't do anything more to it because I put so much liquid into the paper and it was thick heavy paper so it just absorbed it but it didn't wasn't dried and you know you can work into wets wed into wet if that's what you're wanting to do but I had done all the working wet and wet that I wanted to do I wanted it to dry and then do more on top of it and of course I got to get all the salt off

And I want to go back in with pearling green because I didn't get a lot apparently in green and that's not a granulating color and I put a little bit in but it wasn't flowing really worth a damn actually and there's a big brush that I have that's like at 3 in wide brush not really a watercolor brush as such but I think I'll be able to get some good effects with it I might see if I can practice it a little bit but anyway I want to go back in in the back with some paraleen green and then I want to go back into the rocks with some darks

And I'm trying to think about texture if I want to just kind of paint it and then soak things up with paper towels or if I want to try to lay down some more texture texture with like saran wrap or something

And also then I may want to put more a few more little creatures and nimanese or seaweeds or something onto the rocks at the bottom

I've got to get done with the painting that I'm doing and then put the piece the other piece on there and kind of see how it works and see what else I need

And I was thinking about putting some fish in but you know I don't think I actually want to put fish in

I think that maybe gets a little more complicated and isn't maybe really the focus you know I mean maybe that just kind of distracts

And I mean it's all kind of an experiment to see how this concept works with the painting and collage and whatnot

I'm also kind of trying to decide because I don't necessarily want it to be like a completely realistic depiction of things which I mean it isn't it's all slightly abstracted I'm not looking at pictures of things I'm just painting it out of my head so you know but what I mean is is I'm not really necessarily wanting it to end up just looking like you know you're kind of looking into a fish tank and so I'm kind of trying to think about initially in my head I was thinking you know some kind of a spiral but then I was like well you know I don't know about that and of course I got all those little squiggly lines and I really like them and they're going to be a little bit more obscured when I go back in with the next layers but even though I'm not going to do a spiral I feel like I'm going to do something that's got that same kind of push and pull but just isn't a spiral you know I don't think that's terribly descriptive I'm sorry I have this kind of idea in my head

But it's a little bit hard to articulate

Both because it's not like a concrete thing that I can say well it looks like this and also because I don't have it 100% nailed down in my head

I find I have that sometimes where I know kind of where I'm going but it's not 100% there and so even though I feel like I know what I'm talking about when I go to describe it it's just not quite formed enough for me to clearly describe it you know what I mean

So I feel like it's going to be circular

Like a generally circular field of push and pull but it's not going to be a spiral it'll be like darker in this quadrant and lighter in this quadrant and whatever and kind of a wedgie shape

See I'm making a lot of hand gestures but those don't really translate I mean this poor thing can barely understand me much less try to describe my hand gestures

I kind of have pictured though putting this into like a plexi box not like freestanding box like frame box frame I'm not even sure if that's a thing if you can get a box frame that big I mean I like the idea of just hanging it on the wall like it's a piece of soft sculpture almost or something but you can't really do that with paper I mean you can spray it with fixative which is super toxic and most of the artists that I've known who got cancer used a lot of spray fixative so I'm not real interested in going down that route

But even if the spray fixative weren't problem from a health standpoint and I mean of course you could do it outside with a ventilator on and whatever but I just don't know if that's enough protection for your paper that then it can be say dust it off or something you know I mean I just I feel as though that's maybe not the best I also have images of hanging it on the wall and making like kind of a plexi box to hang over it so that it's not like a contained in a plexi box kind of thing but rather it's hanging on your wall and then the plexi box is hanging over it on the wall to protect it as far as I know nobody does that but that's kind of what I have in my head

But I think that if I'm going to sell them it probably makes a lot more sense to sell them as digital files that people can print and since they'll be kind of dimensional that might be kind of interesting I don't know if people would like them or not

And I think ultimately

That perhaps

What I really want to do

Is to make a tarot deck

although I don't necessarily think that this particular piece that I'm making is in any way related to a tarot deck this is really kind of working through a process and that was kind of what I felt inspired to do

And I don't really know

If anybody else likes my art or not

I know my mother doesn't

She never has

And for all her pushing me to be a writer

She's never really wanted to read anything I've written either

But it doesn't really matter to me

I mean if she liked it that would make me worry

There is this painting though

There's other studios right and there's this one studio and the guy who has it he has a frame shop I guess or something I think I met him a long time ago I haven't seen him for months I think his name is Justin I think

Anyway he has paintings up on this section of wall by his studio and there I think what they are is a combination of watercolor and liquid acrylic I am not 100% sure but I'm pretty sure

And they're all kind of abstract

Well they're not kind of abstract they're definitely abstract they're not of things they're not figurative they're fairly colorful and

I believe some of the liquid acrylic is poured as opposed to paint it but I'm not 100% sure because it's pretty controlled so it might be painted and then just you know allowed to drip which isn't exactly the same thing

Anyway

I'm not sure how crazy I am about them generally

Like I wouldn't necessarily want to buy them all and scatter them about my giant mansion

And some of them I find slightly disturbing

There is a certain element to them that seems as though they might have been and I'm not saying that they were but there's a certain element to them that seems as though it might have been painted while under the influence of hallucinogens and so some of them are kind of

Well I mean it's hard to say that they're dark or disturbing or whatever because they're not exactly of anything and they all contain some bright color and blah blah blah whatever but some of them I get an energy from that I am not attracted to they're all framed very nicely

But there is this one that I just love and I I want it and my mom is like well you know just take one of his cards and call him and whatever

But I mean the frame job on these paintings is probably I mean I don't know when artists if they frame their own work sometimes they wouldn't necessarily pass on the whole cost of retail framing to you but they could potentially

And I haven't priced framing recently but it's very expensive so I mean I cannot imagine that the framing job on these paintings isn't you know at least a $300 framing job so I mean I would be shocked if this painting was less than $500

I mean I can't imagine that it would be

And I mean

I'm just surprised that she's encouraging me to take his card and contact him because I can't really afford to buy something like that

And I feel like she would be super judgy of me if I were to spend that much money on it

So maybe she just wants me to contact him cuz she's curious how much he's charging

That's probably it

But I seriously want this painting it makes me happy

It's pretty abstract

And it's watercolor mostly I don't think this one has any liquid acrylic on it maybe it does but if it does it's a very small amount

And it uses some like fluorescent almost watercolor paints

And it just kind of speaks to me you know

It's got this it looks like a fish it looks like a happy fish and it's talking to me and saying

Come to the land of imagination

Come and play

And I just want to look at it every day

So I don't know

I like a lot of art

But I don't see a lot of things that speak to me

And I I really I just wonder if maybe he does do these paintings under the influence of hallucinogens and he's you know channeling something and that's why I feel such a strong connection to this one particular painting because it has some energy or something in it

Maybe I will try to take a picture of it

And post it here for a short period of time

I don't at all feel good about taking a picture of someone else's painting

But I would really like to show it to you

And I'm not sure how else I could do that I would never post it to Instagram or anything like that that would just be unconscionable

Last night or yesterday morning

I guess more accurately

I went to go to sleep and I could not sleep normally when I get into bed I just fall instantly asleep but I was restless and itchy I kept being itchy felt like there was something on my face and then I felt like there was something on my neck and then I felt like there was something on my arm and the cat was laying on me and I was itchy and I just could not get comfortable

And then I just started feeling the you know how I used to feel you and I still you know get like a little bits here and there when I think you've seen something or whatever

But I don't feel like you send me a lot of concentrated vibage like you used to

And you know I mean maybe you've never sent me any and I've imagined it all I don't know

But I just felt it very clearly kind of rising up in me

I've been hearing you all day mostly that one song but other songs too

And then I was kind of sad that I'm not really writing to you exactly

I mean I'm doing this which is more conversational

What I used to write to you even if it was conversation it was not

Because I was typing it

And it was going through a filter

Even though it was you know like freely associated or whatever in a lot of ways it was still marginally a poem

And the se conversations where I'm dictating it there are a lot of ways in which I don't like them nearly as well it's a lot less artistic it's a lot less controlled it's a lot less My persona and a lot more just kind of raw

Which I felt like was a good thing

And I'm not like regretting doing this

But I felt this very kind of intense sadness for kind of the loss of my voice

If you know what I mean

Because it just kind of took off

It said no not doing this b*******

And it just went on strike

And I mean I knew it would come back but I didn't know when it would come back and so I just kind of focused on visual stuff

Which I love

I don't feel like I'm being very succinct here

I felt this sadness at the loss of my voice

And I was also feeling this energy welding up through me just kind of I mean it's kind of an orgasmic energy but it's it's not like a full orgasm or whatever but it's it you know

And then that thing came out

And I wanted to type it I really wanted to type it so that it would be in my kind of format but I mean I was kind of half asleep and in kind of an altered state somehow and I felt like if I stopped to type it I would forget it it would get lost so I just went ahead and said it into the phone

And I feel kind of confused

I think I might be having kind of a slightly existential maybe crisis is a little strong

But I don't want to lose my voice I want it back

I mean I didn't like decide to stop writing

I just stopped writing

And sort of stopped thinking that way

But I didn't want to

Does that make sense

It just did not want to be forced

And then I'm worried all the time I'm not all the time but pretty regular basis I'm worried that I'm

Somehow messing up with you

That I'm making you unhappy you're not giving you what you want or doing something wrong or something that you're misunderstanding me or just a whole list of things

But I think is becoming a focal point for anxiety that I feel about a lot of things but it's just channeling it into that

And you know the natural insecurity and lack of some quality that I'm having trouble naming but I get from being around my mother the destabilization or whatever well I'm channeling that too into this extreme fear that I'm going to make you stop loving me by doing something wrong

And that's sort of disappointing baggage you know

I mean there may be something you want me to do that I'm not doing

And if there is well you're an adult so hopefully you could look at my situation and kind of put yourself in my place and see well you know what's going on with her why she might not be able to do what I wanted to do right

If they're even is that

It might be total projection

But if you love me

Are you really going to stop loving me because I f****** something or misunderstand something or I'm unable to live up to something that's expected

Well that doesn't seem likely

But that is some sort of very inner child core piece of me right

It's not even so much they'll only love me if I'm entertaining it's more like they'll only really remember that I exist as a separate person outside of themselves who has to be dealt with if I'm entertaining enough

And I'm not like making a statement about how my mother is now or how my dead father would theoretically be now I'm talking about some kind of real deep down psychological stuff where I feel like love is very conditional right like that's just the way the world is

But there's just a little piece of me that believes that right

Most of me believes that you love me and I love you and we're like soulmates right

But most of me believed that when I know you didn't yet love me

And part of me knows

Anyway this is taking a direction that I don't want to go

And I'm tempted to go back and delete a bunch of it but I'm not going to

I told you I was depressed and all this stuff comes up well I mean it doesn't always come up some of it always comes up but it's it's exacerbated by

Anyway where I'm going with this is I have kind of lost the reins for part of my personality

And I felt like

Maybe I was getting it back

And then I also

And I'm not sure to what degree these things are intertwined you know but I also felt very strong desire physically

And I want that

But it's hard to maintain

Both because my hormonal levels are weird and maybe fluctuating and also because you know if I feel that level of desire all the time that leads to an increase in you know tension and longing and all these things that are difficult emotions well no they're not difficult emotions but they well

This isn't super coherent

Okay

So I guess what I'm trying to say I said I've had some issues with depression and that I'm feeling kind of emotionally vulnerable

And that that leads me to funnel that anxiety into something I specifically care about a lot but don't necessarily have a lot of control over which is not a particularly good coping mechanism but I'm just kind of aware that I do it so like I'm feeling really tense and anxious about a variety of factors and so I'll turn that into being worried that I'm somehow screwing things up with you because I don't want to screw things up with you because I love you

So I love you

You love me

Nobody's screwing anything up

happiness creativity desire divine cosmic universal plan working its way in a nonlinear fashion blah blah blah

Paint and write

Inspire incite

I love YOU

always keep a diamond in your mind

💋