I think I don't know I was going to say I think I should move to Canada or Australia or someplace and maybe that's true or maybe it's not true I mean I don't know that you moved to Canada and you get away from all the problems that the prejudice and the hate
You do get away from some of those things
But some of them do still have just another forms
Maybe or maybe I'm full of s*** I don't know I I just don't know why anybody is willing to send their child to school anymore
I mean
Come on
The risk of being shot isn't bad enough
Everybody is just going to have to let this gender thing go
I mean people are just too up in arms about it what difference does it really make you know I mean yeah if you are an Olympic athlete then you should be held to some kind of higher standard that might involve drug testing and it might involve physical examinations and whatever I don't know I'm not even saying that I advocate for that but I'm saying if you're competing at that kind of level then okay I get it
But I mean God damn in a world where for more than 20 years we've been telling the kids in their soccer which I think is largely played coed for kids isn't it You know you're the first winner you're the second winner you're the third winner blah blah you're the last winner I mean isn't that what the Gen xers and whatever we're all kind of like why is there no competition anymore it's going to ruin all these kids when they grow up and you know what sure enough the millennials have a totally different outlook
And you know what That's not bad
I mean I would prefer that what we did was say gender is a construct and so you know have some gender don't have some gender whatever but don't make it be a thing
I mean my initial problem with the whole transgender thing was the idea that if you're born into one body and you say oh no no I am not this gender I am the other gender well that reinforces the idea that there is gender and that there's two of them and that it's very specific and I don't like that
But actually
I've come to see it differently now
Gender is largely performative and for some people performative gender is empowering and they should be allowed to have that empowering experience whatever it is
For some people gender is not an empowering experience performative gender is not an empowering experience it's a disempowering experience and they should not be forced to engage in it
I mean people should be able to identify however they want to identify and kids should just be able to play sports and they're just does not need to be all this concern about what is in people's pants
And I lots of times feel like you know I should do that pronouns thing but I really don't know what to put for the pronouns thing because I don't feel like it makes me feel more seen or whatever if you call me they them but I don't specifically want to claim she her I don't specifically identify with he/him but it doesn't upset me anymore at one point it kind of did but it doesn't upset me anymore if somebody uses a hehem pronoun with me so I mean I would say and it is a thing to say it's an acceptable term to say pronoun indifferent but I'm not sure that everybody who would read it would understand what I meant
Also
Just to clarify
I'm not BPD
I just find it interesting
Although I will say that when I was going to therapy it seemed like they were trying to find some way to make me a more interesting case because the therapist asked me at one point if I thought I would could possibly be bipolar and I'm like no I don't see how you make a case for that what have you seen that makes you think that and she's like oh no no I just curious what you think or some b******* like that
And then when I went the other place to get the prescription the nurse or assistant or whoever it was I don't think I ever actually saw the psychiatrist oh I think he might have sat in on one session one time because he had to write the prescription or whatever but she said something one time about borderline personality disorder and she didn't exactly say I think you have borderline personality disorder I don't remember the exact context she brought it up in but I started trying to find out information about it and I'm like well this doesn't sound like me at all I don't see how you make a case for this either and so I ask her about it and she's like oh no no we weren't diagnosing you with that
So I mean I didn't think much of these people I mean I might have other stuff wrong with me but I don't think it's that
Now I have thought I wonder if my mother has a little bit of that because she definitely does that splitting and she definitely has very violent reactions to you know you just do some little mine or thing and you've set her off but as far as I know she's never done any kind of self-harming behavior so I mean I don't think she meets all the criteria
But I don't really understand BPD
And I just ran across some videos and I thought that was very interesting
It's been thunderstorming today and I didn't go to the studio and then I was up for a while and then but I think I got up at regular time and then I was up for a while and then I had a headache and I went lay down for a while
I have not started my period I don't know if I'm going to have a period or not but I just had a lot of symptoms that made me think I might so we'll see
And then this evening I remembered that next week is when I should be getting my second shot I haven't gotten any sort of notification to schedule which they said I was going to but they didn't they don't really want to give you a lot of lead time like last time when I was going to schedule they gave me like an opportunity for an appointment like the next morning and it's like you know that's not enough lead time
But I can't remember what day they originally contacted me on so I mean I sort of think that it's supposed to be a week from well I guess today now cuz this is Saturday now and I feel as though they're probably not going to contact me until Thursday or Friday but word on the street is you might be able to schedule it at one of the like HEBs or CVS's or one of those kind of places if you've already had the first shot but you have to be very close to time you can't like say oh it's you know in two weeks so let me schedule it two weeks out so I don't know I don't know how this is all going to play out but I need to start paying attention cuz I want my second shot
And I don't know if the fact that I had reaction to the first shot means that I will also have a reaction to the second shot or if it means that I have got it out of the way and I won't have a reaction but my suspicion is that if I had a reaction to the first shot I'll probably have a stronger reaction to the second shot although I don't know maybe that's wrong
Have you been able to get any shots yet
You know the truth is
About the pronouns
I would really rather have different ones
Not they them because I'm not plural
And I understand that some people are very happy with those but doesn't do much for me
I'd really like something more like
shu/hir
But that seems like it's asking too much
hir is pronounced here
And it's not like I really want or expect that I don't really care but it's just when I ask myself what I want but I want is something like that
I hope you're doing okay
Everything feels kind of weird
I can't exactly qualify what I mean by that
I feel like a lot of people are behaving as though stuff is going back to normal and I don't really feel like it's gone back to normal
I feel like it's getting harder and harder to focus on things
But at the same time
I feel like I'm too focused on things
And I'm having these dreams that I feel like are very deep and vivid but then I can't remember them and I don't know it just feels like
I want to say time slip
But I don't really know what that means
And I haven't really been reading my Twitter feed but I was just on there a little while ago and there's marchers and protesters again and I know that's because they've been more shootings but I don't think it's just one I think there have been multiples and
I feel out of touch
But I also don't feel quite capable of absorbing I don't know exactly whether I don't feel capable of absorbing news or whether I just don't feel capable of absorbing more shooting and police brutality and just f***** up b*******
I want the f***** up b******* to stop
I'm going to sleep for a little while
I love you very much sweetheart 💋
I hope everything is well with you
