spoon on the moon

the spoon on the moon

the dish ran away with the spoon

moonbeam stew

moon rocks cereal

gravity soup

6:30

i slept in
my meditated take away
seems to be a single word

spoon

so
i don't think that that's a manifest thing
i think it's a focus thing
so
we'll see where that goes
i've been watching the news
it's pretty dramatic

twc emailed me
i don't need to provide 3 work searches a week
i can keep putting 0
they will update me in late july

so
that's good

i hope you're doing good
i love you

ok
that was kinda a lot
maybe i'm more into classical music
than i thought
i gotta go to bed
i love you very much indeed
goodnight sweetheart

yet more nite chat: 6:29

i was looking for albums i loved as a kid
and
i just don't know who they were by
but
the planets by holst was one
and
i knew williams plagerized heavily
a bunch of classical music for star wars
but
i never placed exactly what pieces
but the planets
like super heavily

i mean
wow

more nite chat: 6:29

ok
i'm not sure if i've ever mentioned
when i was a kid
i had some album
and i can't remember what it was called
moog   something
and
i loved it loved it loved it
this was
believe it or not
the same time as the sousa
like
before my dad kidnapped me
so maybe four
and i even think there was a moog track
on the sousa which was my favorite
i was into switched on bach later too
so
i've never heard of this guy
but
i love his music
and
i feel like i just got a delayed gift from my childhood

sousa search justified

i'm very excited to share this happiness
i hope you enjoy it too

nite chat: 6:29

when i woke up
i was feeling pretty good
and i thought maybe instead of
spending a lot of time inumerating all the things
that i feel grateful for
what i should do is think of things that
sounded fun to do
and
the take away was
maybe writing a children's book
might be worth doing

and
then i thought
what do i want to manifest today
and
a voice in my head
jumped up and down and said
john philip souza
so
i'm like ok ok john philip souza it is

but
so far no john philip souza
and i don't think i'm gonna be able to hold back any more
i had a whole record of john philip souza
when i was a kid
and i loved it

and
maybe
one of the videos
has something to tell me

i'm not turning away from the law of attraction
i'm just adding in some other stuff
i gotta figure out what i'm doing

this is not meant to be contra to you
or us
but
i gotta re-invent myself
i wanna get over the issues
which have kept me from rising to the level
that i should/could/can/whatever
understand

i love you!

i love you

i've moved on to productivity
not making any statement
this guy has some theories
i've found useful before
i'm reviewing them
nothing to do with us

just occurred to me
it could be taken a wrong way

nite chat: 6:29

i just want you to know
my love is not conditional
i am never going to push you

i released that
so i could love you more
because
i decided
what was important was the love

there is no specific reason
that i'm telling you this

i just felt like
maybe you need to hear it


i love you very much indeed
i'm going to bed

goodnight sweetheart
i love you verry much

more nite chat: 6:28

ok
i need to talk about something

i've been doing this law of attraction thing
you know about that
ok
so
it's been really helping my mood
which is great mostly
and
things have been happening
i was looking at the christo prints again
and i have a bunch of them "watching" on ebay
and one of them sent me an offer
but the one i really want
is the one that hangs over our bed
i've been watching it for years
since i posted that on pinterest
it's never been on sale
and they've never made me an offer
the one that did was a newer one i just started watching
and i was like yeah
i wish they'd put the one i want on sale

so like two days later they made me an offer
30% off
which is a pretty big discount
but it was still pretty extensive
but, ya know, no so expensive that i couldn't have bought it
so i really thought about it
and
i don't really have the ability to frame it right now
so it would just sit in a tube
and
i thought
no that will make me sad to have it sitting in a tube
and i do not need to have the print
for it to be our bed
is that too abstract

print in tube sad + spending limited resources
i felt like something else was coming up
that i'd want to spend money on
and i didn't want to focus on the limited-ness
because it wasn't really that
it was something that i want
i'm just not ready for it yet, see

i said thank you to the universe
no offense, i'm just not ready, not looking a gift horse in the mouth

and i had decided a while back
last year, maybe
that all the skin care things i had been wanting to try
like for years
i was gonna find a way to try
and i started that, but did not finish
obviously it's on hold now

but
i bought years ago that hannes dottir serum/moisturizer
and so now they somehow have me listed as a
i can't remember what they call it
like OG member of the club, somehow
and they have this mask
which is supposed to be
the best revitalizing and blackhead removing mask ever
beauty editors wax poetic about it
in a way that they only do about eve lom cleansing balm
which is one of the things i tried
and it is amazing

so
this seamasque is on the short list, right
well
they sent me an email
so, since i'm this fancy thing
i can buy a double sized refill
for the same price as the regular
which is a great deal, but still too expensive
but
also here is a 40% off coupon
well sweet

so
this morning
i was saying i'm looking forward to getting a sign
about what i should do to make money
by which i meant, ya know, some direction
ideas about career direction
but thinking $$$$$$$$
and then, further
i did a tarot card reading
and it was
ten of coins
two of coins
ace of coins
two of wands
it was all like yeah we got ya $$$$$$$
so i'm like great

and i had a really good day
no negative emotions
not even when i'm looking at twitter
and then
just a few hours ago
aldi emails me

wtf

it's a do not respond email
inviting me to come to an open house hiring
with a one hour window on tuesday

and i went into a tail-spin

no no no no no no

that job was like a variable number of hours
entry level like twelve dollar an hour job

which would have been a good foot in the door
when i was desperate for something fast

i'm not willing to work as a front line worker during the pandemic
at all, really
no just no

this cannot be what the universe is sending me
this cannot be what i'm supposed to do

and then i thought about the print
and i thought
well this is the job you asked for
so it's giving itto you
and
i was really surprised that in this whole pandemic thing
they didn't contact me
because when i put that kind of energy into something
i mean,i usually get it
and
front line and all,ya know
i figured
it was probably all that
i'm not looking for a temporary situation stuff
but they've probably gotten desperate
so they're sending me the most impersonal thing
like just send this to anyone who has applied and let's see who shows up
because that's when you do this kind of thing
if you need a couple of people
you set up interviews on one or two days with the candidates you are interested in
when you do this kind of thing
you are looking for bodies

so i thought about it
and i decided that my sign is
i can't wait for the universe to tell me what i want
i have to ask for it
put the concentrated energy in
make the request
and then it will deliver

but
i still don't know what i want
so it's a problem

but that's the right answer though, right
that's the right interpretation of the sign, right

nite chat: 6:27

liszt makes me think of chopin
so
i was going through
trying to find the pieces
that were ones i loved
i had a bunch of classical records
but
they were record club
so
i have no memory of which ones
there was also a collection of great works
by some publishing company
that probably aren't available
there was
among the lot
a lot of bernstein
and heifetz
and
beyond that
i get a little hazy
but

listening through abunch of chopin
to find the piecesi remember fondly

i found a piece of music
that is stuck in my head
thet i hum
or vocalize
probably even more than the unfinished symphony
or swan lake
or things from the nutcracker
and
i never know what it is
or where it came from
except
i'm pretty sure it comes from ballet class
at houston ballet
we had a real person
at a real piano
rather than a record player
like the other places

and they played this piece of music
the one permanently
of all classical music
the most stuck in my head
and it is
Waltz No. 7 in c sharp minor, Op. 64,2

i'm up
coffee is delicious

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

nite chat: 6:26

i should probably go to bed
i wasn't planning to stay up
but
i got busy with stuff
i've listened to let it be before
my dad had a copy, i'm pretty sure
but
when i was a kid
i don't think i liked it as well
as the other albums he had
which i borrowed (cassettes)
for long spells
the red and blue compilations
rubber soul
sgt pepper
abby road
then later
i know i had revolver
and the white album
a friend of my mom's had magical mystery tour
i never really liked the early beatles as much as
the later beatles
and
i know i heard some of those earlier ones
help--  somebody had help
maybe somebody had meet the beatles
anyway
i thought it was worth revisiting let it be

they are a little more raw
than the elaborate sgt pepper
but
i like that
i often think
that could stand to be a little less produced
for my ear
but
that isn't really what i mean
i mean less "perfect"
and maybe sgt pepper would be my favorite
album
probably it is
but
let it be has a lot of appeal for me now

and one problem with my favorite albums
some of my favorite people
i don't really have a favorite album
billie holiday
i've had albums
but none off them were really satisfying as an album
and, like
i like dylan, for example
but i've never owned an album
 bob marley
i think i had a best of or something
but
that doesn't really count
that's part of the problem with billie and howlin wolf

so
i thought i'd include that
i may have owned legend
but i think i just listened to it at a friend's house
anyway
the idea
is to listen to that as a sort of musical focus
for the summer
which is something i would do
but i haven't
not for years

do i even seem like the same person
from march to now
i feel like i've changed a lot
i feel like that's normal for me
but idon't feel like i changed much
or
at least not in the same way
when i was at that last place

anyway
one more thing i want to do
which hopefully will not confuse you
and then i'm going to bed

i love you very much sweetheart

6:25

before things went incandescent

magical thinking is not an effective strategy

i think misters sluggo turn into leaves during the day

Okay I've been up for a little while

but it has been storming really bad Street has been looking like it was going to flood so I haven't gone yet

But now I think we're getting a break and I'm probably going to make a run for it

I hope you're having a good day

I love you very much

I haven't gone to sleep yet

I got into a texting thing with my mom and I just watched Andrew Cuomo and what's his name Chris Cuomo

And it was an interview but then it turned into like fraternal love fest thing

They really like each other

Anyway I'm trying to drag myself away from the news

But I've calmed down some I was freaking out a little bit earlier

I mean I guess I'm still kind of freaking out

But I just kind of connected with that it's all going to be okay message

And it still feels true

I don't see how intellectually it can be true

But it still feels true

So I'm just kind of focusing on that and thinking positively

Anyway I shut down my computer and I'm just on my phone now and I'm going to drag myself away from the news and go on to bed now

I love you very much sweetheart

Sleep well

6:24

did you see rachael maddow tonight?
houston is going to be worse than nyc?
i'm having some trouble with the positive thought today
my stomach is upset
i'm tense
and
exhausted
i'm gonna be going to bed soon
i'm watching don lemon now

i'm gonna get up and go to the grocery
do the last of the stocking up
before what i expect to be a long period of
not leaving the house

your state looks like things are bad too
please please be careful
stay well

you are very important
not just to me, obviously
but
i love you very much

6:24

well
there's plenty to be worried about


i love you

Still asleep

Got up to pee

Just want to not forget this line

What is this fever dream

6:24

i'm falling asleep in the chair
i'm going to bed
i might just keep em all
one is sixteen dollars
one is ten dollars
and
the other
i really should return
but
by the time i pay for shipping both ways
(because i got free shipping over thirty
but if i return the one that needs returning
it will only be the twenty six
so
i'll pay ten for shipping
and get ten back
doesn't seem worth going to the post office

i'm not going to the eye doc right now
because sickness
so
i'll have a chance to live with them
and make decisions
the blue ones
i like em
but
they're kinda masculine when you look at em head-on

i'm not sure i like em
but again
i got time

my state's governor needs to be replaced
today he said this

stay at home
there is no reason to go out
unless you have to go out

really?!
that's what ya got?!

i'm so disappointed that he's suck a fuck up
it's like he's sucking up to the orange man
but i'm not sure that's gonna work out for him
it'd be a shame if lightning struck
set his house on fire
the granny killer too

and
they've been playing with the numbers too
i don't think we have been told the truth
it's all kinda stress inducing

anyway
i love you sweetheart
goodnight
sleep well

sequence

Okay I'm awake

I've been having this thing running through my head for I don't know yesterday and today for sure but I think little bits of it from before that

So I think I'm just going to kind of

Get it out real quick

So I'm doing the talking thing this might not be perfect

3 years old and I'm walking out of my grandmother's house down to the park at the end of the street

When I get to the park I say hello to my favorite tree and I walk over to the swings

Not pretty serious about the swings

And so I pump my legs harder and harder

So I can go higher and higher because I really want to see how high I can go

But there comes a point when the angle gets high enough

But it feels like I might fall backwards

And so at that point it doesn't feel right it's like the velocity met gravity but I wouldn't have known the word for it yet and something kicked in in my brain and said no too high

Then this bus pulls up which is odd

And all these people get out they're adults

But

They don't really seem like adults

They're wearing jeans and t-shirts their hair's long

And they look

my kids would have been out too long playing and gotten their clothes all messed up

And there's like a busload of them

So they go up the top of the hill at the park

And I'm not pumping my legs anymore now I'm letting it wind down

And they set up a little tent

And some more people are wandering in from somewhere that didn't come on the bus

And they all file into the little tent

And then they come out

And they start dancing in a ring around the hill

It's not a very high hill

you'd only call it a hill in a place that was completely flat which this is

It's really more of a rise on the ground

It might go up 6 ft at a very low angle slope but it

But of course concepts like 6 ft are anachronistic here because I don't know what a foot is yet

So they're dancing around in rings

And I've never seen adults do anything like that

But it's kind of cool

So I get off the swing and I get closer and I'm watching them

And maybe I shouldn't be watching them

But that never occurs to me

And maybe I'm staring

But that never occurs to me either

And then one of them comes over to me

It smiles real big

And offers me a sugar cube

Which is odd

But not unwelcome

So I take the sugar cube

And I put it in my mouth

And it's a sugar cube

And then after a little while

They get back in the bus

And it drives away

Can I go and lay down on the mountain

I mean hill

And I stare up at the sky

And then I fly

Not like slapping my wings

Like my body is still on the ground but I'm flying

And then there's a snapping noise

And I'm standing right here

I'm going to sleep for a little bit

I love you

a whiter shade of pale

i may have already told you this story

i saw tracy chapman
at a really cool venue
it had been a bank
back when banks were glamorous
enormously high ceiling
marble everywhere
and
for the venue
there was a balcony
which was probably added
but i'm not certain
i'd never been in the bank

she was down on the stage
and i was leaning over the railing of the balcony
trying to get a good view
it was pretty exciting
i think it might be the first time
i ever saw a musician in anyplace other
than like the big sports area type place
or the music hall
which was bigger than this

and
what i remember best
she had a band-aid on her arm
and somebody asked her about it
and she said how wrong it was
that they were supposed to be "flesh tone"
when they were obviously not her flesh tone

and
mind blown
i had always wondered why they were brown
i had never realized
they were supposed to be flesh tone
it never occurred to me
i had many many times wondered
why they made them dark brown so they stood out
so noticably
i had never realized
i was just that much paler than "normal"

I woke up

I looked through my feed

I fell back asleep

I'm awake now

big thunderstorms

I love you sweetheart

I hope you're having a good day

goodnight sweetheart
i've been falling asleep in the chair
i love you very much

nite chat: 6:21

does it matter
who your first blues love is
idk
maybe it doesn't
maybe the blues is such a big thing
you just keep pulling stuff out
and loving it
and
it can be good in so many ways
but, although i like me a bunch a blues
my first blues love--  howlin wolf
i don't remember which album i had
none of what i see looks familiar
so
i'll just tell you
howlin wolf
and when she said that in the song
about listenin to him on a road trip
i remembered

coffee talk: 6:21

i'm sorry
i seem to have gone to sleep without saying goodnight
i didn't do that on purpose

happy father's day!

i woke up with graceland in my head
and that is indeed one of my favorite albums
in fact, i think i've bought that three or four times

but
you've heard that album--  for sure
and i'd like to focus more on things you haven't (maybe) heard
or
that we haven't talked extensively about being favorites
at least for now
so
i thought about amadou and miriam
because it was one i listened to like that
but
although i still love the sound of it
i don't think
right now
i would sit down and listen to a whole album
that i couldn't sing along to
meaning different language
when i listened to them
i think i still had enough vocal damage
that i think that was a plus
because i would still sing
and it would fuck me up
dimanche a bamako

it's all stormy here
the sky's pretty dark
for the longest day
but
i love the long days

i love you too

things that keep me up: 6:21

ok
so i got to thinking about
imperial bedroom
which i had never heard
and
i don't want you to think less of me
but
elvis costello
has never really been on my radar
but then i thought
ok
what is the first album you think of
after hearing that
and
i don't see any relation between them
but that's the one i thought of

rules are
has to be something that i listened to
over and over
intensely
not skipping any tracks
that i would still sit down and listen to

but then
of course i did sit down and listen to the whole thing

but then
i thought
that's not completely fair
what about the same year it came out
like, while you were loving that
this is what i was listening to
and
there were a couple
ok well
i was in high school
so there were several
but
one of the same year ones
i actually didn't discover for like ten years
so i don't know if that should count anyway
but as it turned out
i wouldn't sit and listen to that now
garlands by cocteau twins (too dark)
the waitresses wasn't tomorrow wonderful
which i didn't want to listen to
so i figured maybe it didn't really hold up
same thing with split enz time and tide
best little whorehouse in texas soundtrack
which i didn't want to count
but
i still find myself busting out hard candy christmas
miss mona's rules (which as i look back at it
was changed substantially for the movie
so it's actually the play version
which i saw years before)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cm_4G0n0i78

(song starts at 5:35)


especially that one, actually
at random moments
like washing dishes or somethin
but it actually wouldn't count
because i would always have skipped most of that
but i'm mentioning it because of those two songs
indeligibly etched on my soul

[and i really am rethinking telling you about this
it seems bad now that i'm watching it]

there are other albums
that i liked or listened to
billy idol
human league
cat people soundtrack
but none of them fit the criteria

6:21

this morning
i was on the computer
and i turned to look out the window
there are blinds, but you can kinda see out
i wanted to see if the sun was rising yet
and it was
but the sky was this weird color
and i was like
is the dust here
because it was like ochre
and
kinda glowing--  very alien world

i got up and went to the door
it was misting
hazy
and i tried to take a picture
but
it just wouldn't capture
the cat came trotting up, are we going out
no, we are not, and anyway, you won't want to--  it's wet

he hates the wet
he glared at me
he hates it when i make the weather bad
i'm supposed to take care of that shit, not screw up
ya know kitty
how you're always telling me
whenever you've thought of something you'd like to be different
that it's a living document
well
i have this video i want to show you
this woman and her cat
the cat is very snuggly and sweet
he gives me a look, flicks his tail, and walks away

coffee and thee, six twenty

i'm awake
i'm drinking coffee
i'm thinking

i had in my mind
my brother had said dad told him
tales of uncle remus
and
that seemed wrong
i don't remember anything like that
and
it kinda upset me
what was he trying to say
but then i remembered something

oh don't throw me in that briar patch

he did tell me that story
it was a teaching story
about telling the bad guy something
using reverse psychology
and their own stupidity
lack of any ability to see beyond
the fear and pain they wanted to induce
lack of understanding of any other point of view
using that against them
to protect yourself

but then
i thought
if i tell him that story he's gonna think you're trying to tell him something
but then i thought
this is an important thought, don't lose it because you're afraid he'll take it out of context trust him
so don't take it that way, ok
i'm not trying to tell you anything
i'm just talking about
a realization
which
semms
like a multi-layered realization

i mean, i know, i already figured out
my brother got different stories than me
different platitudes
things designed to help him with his problems
and i got different things designed to help me with mine
and
he did all his parental stuff like that
very metaphorical
or philosophical
and
there's a way in which that wasn't enough
but there's another way
in which it was the best thing

but
that whole idea
of teaching life lessons
through fairy tales
which is sort of a misnomer, really
of course the enslaved people would tell children stories
that would not overtly teach children coping strategies
and
i'd really like to read those stories
without the white presence

but then also
did my brother get that story too
or was that about it being a man's world

i'm kinda fascinated
by this whole train of thought

and
so
it's not that i'm trying to tell you anything with it
i'm just like sharing
the thoughts
that are grabbing hold of me today


but
when i called it coffee and thee, six twenty
that does sound like this is about us, specifically, somehow
but
it's more like
coffee + thee + chatting over the coffee, see

Goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

more nite chat: 6:20

article on albritton's

that first picture was the one i grew up going to

although

my mom took me to the one on bellaire a few times

i couldn't find a picture of the inside

but

this is the place that inspired this concept

Emperioom + nite chat: 6:19

it would be
basically a cafeteria
but
with some elements of deli
and some elements of other things
so like
there would be salads
and you could just pick a little dish of salad
but
you could also get a salad plate with trio scoops of different salads
or
you could get a entree'd-up salad
like maybe you get mixed citrus & avocado
you could get that with cold boiled shrimp around the bowl
or
with sunflower sprouts and feta cheese
or
with that marinated tofu you get in japanese salad bars

and then i have this new age ambrosia inspired salad i make
which is grapefruit and vanilla shredded wheat and fine shredded coconut
i'm not sure that would be eligible for entree'd-up
but it could definitely be salad plated

i have a continually modified curried tuna salad

i have become convined over the years that pea salad is a thing after all
deviled eggs are not politcally correct, but delicious

you're getting the picture

it's comfort food
but
sorta hippy healthied up
there would be some meat
and some dairy
as options
but
it would be plant based
and it wouldn't be gluten free
but gluten free and vegan very very friendly

there would be soup
there would be (probably) always a chicken soup
which would vary
chicken and vegetable with rice
chicken noodle
matzoh ball
chicken tortilla
won ton soup
etc

but
then there would also be
a vegan soup
which might be spicy cold borscht
or might be cabbage
or onion
or "cream" of mushroom

there would be vegetables
more than in most cafeterias i think
and
not much meat
there would be i think
meatloaf
i have a meatloaf i do that's thirds
ground dark turkey, bison, and mushrooms
so it tastes very meaty but it's low fat
and
if i can ever develop a good vegan loaf
there could be that too

there would be a theme
and depending on the theme
there would either be
some sort of chickpea stew
or beans
or something like that
and that would influence the vegetable selection

like you could get the chickpea chili
with a big hunk of corn bread
and you'd have choices for potato salad
green beans
vegan mac & cheese
hot slaw
corn on the cob

and then there'd be like
roasted cauliflower that you could entree'd up
some kind of way
but it would vary

you're gettin the idea

hard-core meat eaters might feel like
they didn't have a lot of options
but
they'd have options
and
vegans who don't eat vegetables
would not have a lot of options
unless i think up
a bunch of seitan
which i might
but
i might not

baked potato bar
might not be an every day thing
but
spud-you-like nite could be a thing for sure

i'm thinkin brunch
idk if it's every week though

also
i'm thinkin
there might be some occasions when it's a buffet
like periodically
vegan soul food buffet
reasonable rate ya know
and maybe free if you bring a family recipe uplift [veganized]
although
that might not work
people might just copy recipes from books

anyway
you get the idea

the idea
is to have fun

Emporioom: 6:19

so i think the cleaner more minimalist lines.  like club meets meeting house.  wood walls that don't go all the way to the ceiling--  are tall enough to block even a tall person from view.  rotating collections of small photographs or paintings or maybe even graphic posters.  in fact, the posters are great maybe there can be an artist every couple months chosen and the prints produced by emporioom to feature them to the public.

the idea is to make it a place for meeting.  it would be like a cafeteria some days of the week, but have other functions too.  a couple of days a week it would be used as a meeting place for groups or possibly meet-up type events around different types of topics, issues, clubs, what-have-you.

themes will also be big fun.  more coming.

6:19

i fell asleep in the chair again
and
also i've been doing stuff
but
i can't really remember what
watching rachael and don
looking for books
which i did not buy
i'm going to sleep on it
but these are the ones i decided on
for the buy two books by black authors

this

and

this

but
in the back of my mind
like low level
i've been thinking about
cafeterias
and specifically this conceptual thing

cafeterias were very different
some were like fancy palaces
and some were like deco delights
but
at some point
they became not that
now
if you find a cafeteria
the line is like a fast food kind of line
but it wasn't like that
the fancy palace kind
had a like processional hallway
that was sort of like a back stage
except for the cut away sections of the wall
where you caught glimpses of the diners
with a sort of building of the excitement
or
breathlesss voyeurism

the deco ones had a distinctly walled of line area
with paining on the wall
that was wide enough to be comfortable
like for chatting before the food service area

when you got to the dining area
it was nicely walled off
so that
once they'd wisked your tray away
it was just like a club setting maybe
i've never been in a club
so idk really
but
maybe what i imagine a club would be like

i went round and round
which was better
and what would you serve
and
what would you call it

comfort-a-teria
caf-eater-emporium
caf-emporium
the emporium
still circling, haven't landed

but then too
i was picturing dim sum carts
instead of ice tea carts

maybe something else special
maybe themes for the carts

and then i looked up cafeteria on youtube
hoping to find examples
of my cafeterias
but, instead
i find something closer to what i'm thinking about

and
i'm not sure what's happening with the cafeteria
i assume i'm writing about it somehow
i am literally falling asleep

i love you very much sweetheart
did they have cafeterias where you grew up
sleep well

i'll see you
i'm not sure what time
for coffee

coffee + sandwiches: 6:18

good morning
i hope you're doing well
i'm thinking about funky little roadhouses
and
pastry
and coffee

but i'm drinkin coffee
so i don't have to imagine that

i'm also imagining a porch
with a rocking chair
maybe someplace with a nice breeze
iced tea

or
maybe an early morning walk along the beach

it's all locations in my head today

i hope you've got beautiful weather where you are
on my old windows phone
i always had programmed the location where you were
so i could always check
what your weather was like
i don't have that now
i always just ask the google assistant
she's not much use to me generally
but
she's great for weather
so i never thought about looking for an app

i just asked her
and
yeah
i figured it was perfect

enjoy some weather

i love you very very much indeed

nite chat: 6:18

well
now i've stayed up very late
and
i fell asleep in the chair
and then i still stayed up
another three hours
there isn't much chance that i'm getting up at 4:45

but
i've had all kinds of fun
i think
the perfect job for me
would be
and i'm pretty sure i've said this before
or something like it

i would like to find period pieces for movies and tv
like set decoration
and accessories
i found
so much stuff

i don't actually think those glasses look bad on me
they're a little too big
unless i'm a hipster

and whatever
i have those other glasses coming
and they may be too big as well
but they are so beautiful
and
i found someone liquidating
they were just selling frames
for so amazingly cheap
because they aren't curated at all
you have to filter through all the pages

but i found two more frames
so cheap as to make the other ones
which i thought were pretty cheap

i'm dancing around the moon

look at these

these should be the same size about
as my current glasses
like 2 mm more
and these are like
the glasses of my soul

i am a tortoise shell glasses girl
at least half of the glasses that i have had
since i was an adult were tortoise shell
the ones i have now
actually maybe not since i was an adult
whatever
lots

i do tend toward flashy glasses
and these are not
but
ya know what
these i can return

and
the other ones
are flashy
they are kinda cat eye too
but i don't really know how big they are
because i can't see the notations

when i got those frames at sam's years ago
i thought i liked em
but when i put them on now
they seem too small
they make me feel like i look like a weird german or something
and they don't feel good
i don't think it makes much sense to spend a shit ton of money
getting high index progressives
in glasses that don't excite me

i do have
somewhere
a pair of glasses
that i rarely wore
from back in the early 2000s
i think
they were neostyle brand
and i'm not kidding you
they are blue
with an orange inside
i didn't wear them because the sides arms
seemed flimsy
and i was working hard
i was afraid they'd fall off and get broken
but
they're not super feminine
they are that squared of rectangle type shape
somewhere between the current ones and the previous ones
which
i don't know if you even remember
i loved those glasses
i was so proud
i went to the discount frames warehouse
and found something funky and cool
on sale for seventy seven bucks

and i know when i met you i had
really round with top corner points
that didn't quite manage to be cat's eyes
on the orangeish scale tortoise glasses

but then the next time you saw me
i had the blue ones i didn't wear
and the pale pink pearlescent ones
i thought they looked pretty
and more feminine
but
i don't think you liked them

and before the tortoise
i had these great taxi frames
they were kinda steampunk looking
and were a bright blue anodized metal
but they had those nose pads
and
they just kept breaking

and that takes me back to 97
and i just don't remember what glasses i wore then

i just can't remember

anyway
it was amazingly fun
i don't know what i'll end up with
i just prefer to have two glasses-s
both for variety
and as backup
i can't see very well
also

since i've had the bifocals
i feel like i don't see anything right
and i end up taking off my glasses for anything
up close
like now
but
i can't really see that
it's just better than the bifocals
so
i strain my eyes
for sure i do
so
i thought i might try to get a cheaper pair
that isn't bifocal
it's just up close

i really just wanna see
like i used to see

where everything
was sharp and clear
from right in front of my face
to the leaves on the trees
the street signs
every blade of grass
cranked up to shocking focus
by my kick ass ability to say
better like this

anyway
i'm not sure when i'm getting up
but i'm not staying up
i'm very tired

i love you very much indeed sweetheart
sleep well
i'll see you for coffee tomorrow

coffee chat: 6:17

i woke up at 4:45
i did
but
i wasn't ready to get up
rather than blearily sleep right through
the time i wanted to get up
i woke up
and i said
i'm awake, i'm honoring the sunrise
but
i think what i'd rather do
is stay in bed
think myself into vibrational allignment
stretch out the shoulder that i jammed in the night

it's not about having to

that's part of the problem
stay in bed
if you need more sleep
get more sleep
if not
get up when you've finished thinking

and, of course, i did fall back asleep
but now
i'm up
and my feed yielded
a much more beautiful sunrise than i could have seen
although the african dust is coming back
so i might need to plan some walks
the colors get wild with the extra particulates
although
allergies

and
new ballet people
spanish guitar
should always be used for dance rehearsal
well, i mean, piano is great too
and
it's awesome to have someone live
but
guitar

nite chat: 6:16

it's really late seeming now
the cat is very irritated
idk if i've communicated enough today
sometimes it seemed like yes
sometimes no

my mom
just wanted to tell me
she would help me
if i felt like i needed any kind of training
which i thought was really nice
whether it turns out to be true
as a sentiment, it's super nice
and in line with my high flying disc grid
that things are always working out for me
and i'm excited to see what happens next

which is true (generally)
and i am (specifically)

i had exciting food today
i made pancakes for breakfast
with banana butter rum topping

and
for dinner
i had collard greens with turnips
and a baked potato

i think
i'm all thrown off by the nap
although
it has allowed me to get up early
and stay up later
which
i actually like better
so
idk
maybe everything is fine
and it just seems kinda strange

i decided to live dangerously
and use the retinol two days in a row
so
i might peel
or my face might just miraculously heal up
idk
but it seemed worth the risk

goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much

i may not wake up quite as early
but
i want to
so maybe i will
anyway
i will see you in the morning for coffee

So I took a nap today

I didn't intend to

My back hurt and my head hurt

And I just thought I don't need to be sitting up I can be in any position I want to

So I went to lay down

And I was thinking about all my happy grateful thoughts and you know manifesting

And I fell asleep

So I was asleep from like about 10:00 to 1:00

And I just ate dinner

And I'm pretty tired again so I'm not sure exactly what time I'm going to go to bed

I still can't get Facebook on internet explorer but I have managed to get it on chrome

Which is not where on my bookmarks and everything are but it's working okay for me

So I went back to the bathroom and I've got my coffee

And the birds are going but they've got this very buzzy kind of sound

It's not like chirp chirp it sounds more like cicadas

And they're definitely are more cars

Which is not to say there's a lot of traffic just every few minutes a car drives by

And I've decided that this velvety blue is my favorite shade of all the blues between that inky midnight blue and that very pale sky blue with this velvety blue is my favorite

Okay so so I got up about 4:45

And I went to the bathroom

And I went to the kitchen and I fed the kitty

And I ground the coffee

And I started the coffee brewing

Now now I'm outside on the stoop

Sky is still black

So I haven't missed any of it

After I went to bed last night my mother texted me and said do you have a minute to call me

So rather than focusing on all the exciting things I expect to happen today

Or my gratefulness for life

Or any of that stuff I'm really trying to think about

I'm having a hard time not being overwhelmed with worry about what that's about

But I think it's too early to call her now

So I'm trying to put that out of my mind

There seem to be a lot of cars

or the cars there are seem to be extra noisy or something I'm not actually seeing a lot of cars

So far I'm not hearing any birds

And there isn't any coolness in the air at all it's pretty warm

Okay I'm going to bed

I love you very much sweetheart

I'm going to hold you tonight

I'll see you in the morning for coffee

exciting thoughts 6:15

i want to have more than one pair of glasses
and i have some health savings account
or whatever you call it
so
i ordered some vintage deadstock glasses frames

these

and

might need to scroll down

i'm not 100% sure they will work on me
but
i'm using my memory
because
the trend is for bigger glasses
and
i wanted something unusual
i think the first one
is more timeless
but the second one
i don't think is immediately place-able as 80s

morning 6:15

so
i'm fading later as i go to bed later
today was 5:30
no alarm though
i'm pretty impressed
just eight hours
and then up

didn't get to see as much of the blue light show though
one bird cackled from above

and yasiel puig stuck in my head

coffee + toast

I'm going to bed

I love you very much

I'm going to hold you

and hopefully dream about you

I had a less positive day today

than the roll I was on

I don't know

the headaches are making me worry a little

and

I guess

maybe I didn't focus on the good

as much as I intended to

but

you are awesome

and

that's the truth

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much 💋

morning coffee: 6:14

i woke up a little later
4:45
the birds were very active
but not in my block
i could hear them
down that way
and that way
it gave this sense of the space
being huge
and i stood on my stoop
and drank coffee
and thought about the sunrising
if i walked over to westheimer
and hummed 22nd street

6:13

i did manage to get on and see the end
but
then i couldn't get back on
idk what the issue is
it's very frustrating

are you ok
you seem a little sad to me
i don't want you to be sad

i'm starting to get a little worried about all the headaches
but, then again
the trees are blooming
and i usually have headaches in the summer
more than usual
and
i know hormones must be acting up
because i can feel the stuff filling up my chin again

i'm going to lie down again
for a little while
and
if you want to think about me
i will think about you

you are very important to me
please take good care of yourself

i'm holding you sweetheart
tightly
and with love
you're my special delivery

Well, I'm having trouble again

don't know

what's going on

but

I love you

I don't know what the problem is

I was on there and it started and then it cut off

And I tried to refresh the page

And I can't seem to get on your page or my page or any page

I do seem to have internet

And I can go on to Facebook

But it shows me about 6 in of feed and that's it

So clearly I have some kind of problem

wake up and smell the coffee: 6:13

i got up
about 3:45
so i slept about twelve hours
the cat was annoyed
i went to the bathroom
the cat was annoyed
i fed the cat
he wanted to go out
i don't usually let him go out
in the middle of the night
but
it was morning (middle of the night)
so
i let him out
i made coffee
he still seemed unsatisfied
i cleaned out his box
he still seemed unsatisfied
so
i went to the door
i stood at the door
with the chain engaged
and smelled the air

i went out

i don't know if i ever told you
when i went to oklahoma city
and missed the trees terribly
and
when i came home
almost fell to my knees with the joy of the smell
of the swampy earth
and the humid air
and the trees

i stood on the stoop
and leaned against the railing
and looked at the blue velvet sky
through the branches of the towering oaks
across the street and caddy corner
the nice highrise has it's fountain running again
so i had the sound of running water that i love so much

what more could you want

i think about my desire to be in the desert
could you be happy in the desert, i ask myself
yes, but i would miss the trees after a while
the way i now miss the desert
so, i say thoughtfully, maybe the answer is
don't live just one place
or, i say, travel around

and
i through my head back
and i throw my chest out
and i breathe in the scent of the world where i am
and there is a string of memories
of other places that i've done that
and they are all unbelievably happy moments
like a connection of little jewels of my life

overwhelming nature is beautiful
i love overwhelming nature
but it isn't just the look of it
it is the scent of it as well

it was taking the trash out at the baybrook store
so i could smell the salt in the air
happy happy happy

it was walking around chicago
i can smell the lake everywhere
how is it your air smells so amazing
i'd say to the people who clearly thought i was a crazy person

it was the quality to the air in seattle
like it contained more oxygen like
although you wouldn't want to walk three blocks at home
why bother to call a car
it's only seventeen blocks
that's not a problem to walk

maybe the scent is stronger for me than the view
i have no positive scent associations
with new york
or california
i have
nothing i can immediately pull up from the desert

i have the sunrise in the california desert
and the amazing taste of the water in 29 palms

i have the sunsets in arizona

i have the
i don't even remember if it was a sunrise or sunset
just chasing it through the streets of marfa
with the breathless wonder of an adventure
and a camera
the beautiful pink mountain majesty
the quirkiness
the big sky of stars
and so
it has amassed the largest list of magic
and so my mind goes to marfa
but
there's lots of magic to go round
the world is a big exciting place

it turns out
the reason i always seem to miss the sunrise
it doesn't seem to be visible from my stoop
it's not that i miss it
by no being there at the right time
it's that it's somehow blocked by the buildings

i know it's available
because i used to walk to the bus stop
by pappas bros and see the pink spiraling out of the clouds
behind, around whatever the transco tower is called now
so
i know it's there
but from my stoop
it's just velvety blue
to royal blue
to cerulian blue
to bright pale blue

no pink
anywhere

maybe a morning walk is warranted

a bus goes by
metro is hiring
good to know
i don't think i want that
but every day brings interesting options

it might indeed be a glorious world

Okay so this is what happened today

I got up at about 8:00

I had coffee had the last of my donuts

I was on my phone

I also got on my computer

I looked at everything

I watched some videos

My headache got much much worse

And I had two big cups of coffee

And it just got worse and worse and worse

So about 3:45 I decided I would lay down in the dark and see if it got any better

And I slept until 8:45

And now I could get up but I'm not sure that I want to because it's still hurts and lying in the dark still seems like the best idea

so I thought I was going to get up because I needed to be up during the day

but maybe I just needed to get back onto a daytime schedule I don't know

but I don't think I'm going to go back down and just turn on my computer so

I hope anything I need to know is on Twitter and Instagram cuz I'm not going to be reading Facebook until tomorrow sometime

I don't even really want to get up and eat anything food does not sound like a good idea

And I don't know what I may have dreamed

For the first bit that I was asleep but right before I woke up

I was working in a bookstore or I was in a bookstore

And people needed help

One guy needed recipes for donuts

And somebody else needed something

They wanted like brands of something

And whatever the thing was they wanted we didn't sort it by brands

But I can't now remember what it was

Anyway I'm laying back down if I can't go to sleep perhaps I will get up

I mean I guess I'll get up at some point

I love you very much sweetheart

nite chat: 6:11

idk what's up with me
but i'm very tired
i cannot stop yawning
i slept about seven and a half hours
and i've been up like nine hours
and had two giant cups of coffee
but
i'm sleepy
so
i can only assume that there's some reason
for which i need to be awake
earlier in the day tomorrow
so
i'm not gonna fight it any more
i'm going to bed

i love you very much
it was really good to see you
i'm not trying to be
an absentee or anything
i just need to sleep
for some reason

goodnight sweetheart

I'm gonna sleep

for a little while

💓❤️💓💋

morning chat: 6:11

i forgot
i can't believe i forgot this

two things really

first thing
my mom
she used to go to these real estate seminars
and one time she couldn't go
i can't remember why
so
she made me go instead
i was like twelve or maybe as old as
fourteen
i don't think i was fourteen
but
i wasn't older than twelve

anyway
i went
and i wasn't very impressed
i listened to the guy
come up with some ideas
that i think maybe worked sometimes
like
trade a house you have
for another house you want
things like that

so
i listened
and when my mother asked me
so how do i make a million in real estate
i answered her
you teach seminars on how to make a million in real estate

because
i in no way believed
that this guy
made a million in real estate
and
i didn't believe his stories

also
she subscribed to a self-help
and motivational tape club
with all these
big containers
like books
but
full of tapes

and
i listened to them all the time
i liked them a lot


second thing

i listened to self hypnosis tapes
all the time
for all kinds of things
like that same age range
twelve to fourteen or fifteen
but
maybe not fifteen
come to think of it
by fifteen
i don't think i was doing it anymore

i don't know why i'm telling you this

but
you can get pete rose

to say something, if you want

were you aware of this?

nite chat: 6:11

i was thinking about
running into that guy
and wondering if the universe
was trying to give me a job
like
is this where i'm "supposed" to go now
because it is not a job
i particularly want
but
ya know
i could probably do it
and it would probably pay more
than what i was doing
but
whatever, ya know

but
then
just now actually
i remembered something
and it made me stop in my tracks

just before i walked out the door

i looked to the left
and
on top of the dehydrator
there are two six packs of beer
that i don't even know if they're still good
they are at least two years old
but
i just don't drink much beer
and i haven't bothered
and i thought

hmmm
BEER
i should probably drink up that
BEER

in a much more
well
with an awareness of the beer
that i clearly never have

so
was that letting me know
that beer was going to be important
like
pay attention beer
or
did i focus on beer
and then the universe gave me beer

and
crap
now i've gotten myself more confused
because i didn't think about the red circle aspect
i was just thinking
i thought beer
and beer manifested
but
maybe
it was like pay attention

that would mean
maybe i am supposed to work there

or
here's another option
maybe
it was all supposed to get me thinking
about the idea
that
i need to leave the house
because

things manifest out there

so
anyway
thoughts


that's weird
i just got a very strong image of a cameo
wonder what that's about

morning chat: 6:10

i went to the grocery store
i am not sure how long it's been
since i drove my car
it was not too happy
but
it did start
i'm sure it's been a month
at least
the tires were low
so i went to the gas station
the one that has the air machine
and while i was there
a guy who was one of my beer reps
was driving
in or out
not sure which
i don't know his name
i forgot it when he first told me
and he never gave it to me again, somehow
i was all bent over
putting air in my tires
i don't know how he knew it was me

he asked me if that place was opening again
in point of fact
i'm pretty sure they are open
but i said
idk they let me go
he was shocked
he gave me the phone number of the craft beer guy
but i'm not supposed to say he gave me the number
because he shouldn't be giving it out

i thought that was pretty nice of him

idk if i'm supposed to see that as a sign


everything seems completely back to normal
at the grocery store
except
pretty much everybody's in a mask
mine says VOTE
and there are social distancing squares on the floor
for the lines
not too many people there
i went right after they opened

i drove the car around a little
it sounded pretty good when i got done
the tires
were all at seventeen or eighteen pounds
so
almost half what they should be
i didn't think they were that low

i got donuts
i didn't get any for national donut day
because i couldn't see
ordering donuts
that seemed decadent
although you can
door dash delivers shipleys
door dash is the only food delivery app i have
i haven't looked at the other ones
it seems fine

i'm very tempted to have more coffee
and eat the donuts now
i think the coffee is a bad idea
i'm not sure i'll sleep as it is

although
i am tired
but
i might have the donuts
with some iced tea of something
i'm not sure i can sleep without a donut

i'm letting things percolate
on the story

i love you sweetheart
i am so happy and grateful and stuff
i'm going to try to sleep a bit

Okay so I've been laying in the bed having positive thoughts for almost an hour

and since I didn't go to sleep until afternoon actually that was a reasonable amount of sleep not excessive

But the dreams I had did not seem to be related to operations splashdown

And they weren't very positive or happy either so I was like ah crap

But then I started with how comfortable I was and how grateful I was and all that sort of things

And before I went to bed

I was like Apollo 11

They landed on the moon

Did they have a splashdown I think they did

So I looked it up and there was this video of the Apollo 11 the splashdown and the frogman doing the removal from the capsule

And I took notes and I wrote down a bunch of stuff

And I'll probably make one of my official lists in my official list book about all that

But I was thinking about all that and I was like my initial thoughts were to go with one of the like dates times whatever to make a time goal

But I woke up and I still didn't know what operation splashdown was supposed to mean

So I asked

And my brain started coming up with all these answers mostly related to those time goals

But then I kind of checked in and those did not feel right

So I just started with the grateful and happy things again how much I love you

And then biggest day it said

Look look going to the moon was the hard part

And going to the moon is the metaphor for the rocket ship and the least resistance

And you already believe

You have the book You can write the book you are the book you have all that

The only part you have to do now is the extraction process

The splashdown

That's not the hard part

It's important and it's got a bunch of steps and it's kind of seems difficult because all the things you have to do to extract the astronauts or in an ocean that's moving up and down and everything is moving up and down

So it's not easy

But it's not rocket science

And I thought about how I like to write

The writing that's fun

Because I want to tell a story that means something

But I want to tell it to you

I still don't really care that much about getting my story out to the world

I want to tell it to you

So

I need you to be my frogman

I don't want you to push me

But I would like you to tell me what you want to hear or give me some kind of prompt

And then I can run with that

And I'm not sure exactly what that looks like

You're the muse so I guess you get to figure that out

And I'm not making you responsible for it

I'm just asking

But that feels like such enormous progress on a number of fronts

I just couldn't tell you how grateful

Just full of love

6:9

so
my inner voice
the one that said i should call it
a project
instead of a book

i'm all like

PROJECT:    {*wait, wait, wait*}
********************
OPERATION  {*wait*}
ok, operation what
i don't see it
what

SPLASHDOWN

idk
where i'm goin with this
but
i'm goin along
i'm going to go to bed now
and try not to sleep too long
and when i waike up
i will completely know
what that means


i love you very much indeed
goodnight sweetheart

early morning chat: 6:9

i love you very much indeed
i think
i've decided
the format should be more like stories
less like novel
because
why not lean into my strength
and
i think my short stories
often seem to others unfinished
so
maybe the way to do that right
is to write some of them
and have them tie together
maybe
the album analogy is useful here
maybe that's the way to go
besides
i keep making these lists
that seems to be the way i organize
my very non-linear mind
which seems counter intuitive
except
they aren't linear lists
they're more like
somewhat related thoughts
but
everyone should be used to that
because of searches on the internet

i'm not entirely certain

anyway
i'm writing it that way for now
because then i don't have to worry about
a novel structure
since that seems to be the thing that's hanging me up

i feel better about it
also
i think i'm gonna call it a project
instead of a book
idk why that makes a difference
but it feels right

maybe i'll color code them in my mind
i'm kinda surprised i don't already do that

from umber to ember

that ink
the sheen-y one
it's really pretty
but
it might clog up a pen
i think it would be great for painting

i didn't say anything about it
but
christo died
not to be all downer
he was 84
and
natural causes
so

but
i remember when i first saw
the pink wrapped island on tv
i was a kid
my gran-gran was still alive
so
less than fifteen
but i kinda think it was younger
nope
i must be wrong about it
it was 1983
she was dead by then
i must have seen something saying it was going to happen
because i remember watching it
on tv with gran-gran
and she died in 1982
but i must have seen it in 1981
but it was 1980-1983
idk
whatever

what i was going to say
was that
i thought it was stupid
i was not a fan
maybe because
they were pink!
maybe because they made something natural
not look natural
idk

but
i don't think i gave christo
much of another thought
until one day in katz
i saw a set of photos
of the gates
in nyc
because they have photos of nyc stuff
for like flair
to make it all new york-y since it's in houston
and
when i saw it
which was after it had already happened

i fell in love with it
i wish i had seen it
but it never crossed my radar

so i came to christo later in life
and
really
i had to grow into conceptual art
i liked it some when i was in high school
but
i would say that the older i get
the more i love conceptual art
and
i guess
i'm just grateful
that i re-found christo
and jean-claude [i should add]

because i feel like

the gates

somehow
became a part of my soul

Well that was longer than I usually sleep

Have been up for a few minutes actually almost an hour now

My head hurts

And I am full of snot

So I guess the storms come in

I had kind of strange dreams

I was with this group of women I started to say older women but women my age

And I'm not sure it was some kind of workshop or conference or something I don't know

and there was a bunch of different stuff I don't remember all of it but what I do remember

I was closed up in this incredibly small room it was really like a small closet

And I don't know why we had to be in this room it was some sort of a workshop or something I don't know

And I don't think she actually was British but she had a little of that feel to her if you know what I mean

And I asked her how old she was

And she was younger than me

And I was really surprised

because I had actually thought she might be a couple years older than me but she was like 45 so not quite 10 years younger than me but close

until we got to talking about makeup and skin care and whatever

And she was asking me about my makeup and I wasn't wearing any makeup and I was like I'm not wearing any makeup and she got really angry at me and I'm like well I I did wear makeup everyday for years because I had all this menopausal or perimenopausal or whatever acne and then I needed to cover up

But in the dream I guess that at all cleared up and my face is almost all cleared up but you know that's famous last words when I say that it just all breaks out again so but in the dream it was all healed up and I was talking about how it had been

And I was like wow it's really hot in here last session it didn't seem like it was as hot

And she said some weird euphemism I had never heard before but I figured out she was saying she was on her period

And I was like why would that make it hotter

But she seemed to think it would

And I was talking to her some more and I gathered that she wasn't really having any kind of menopausal stuff yet at all

And I was like oh I have to warn you there's a bunch of symptoms that they don't tell you anything about

And I proceeded to try to warn her

And what I seem to be focused on was the whole hormonal change making you so sick when you're about to start your period that you just can't really function and I'm sure that doesn't happen to everybody but it did happen to me

And I was telling her about how I had had to call out to work because I couldn't work at first I didn't realize it was a period-related thing but then I did and then I was ashamed because I had never called out to work for anything relating to menstruation before

And I'd always seen it as a sign of great weakness when women did that

And in the dream I was crying

now maybe I've cried in dreams before but I just don't really remember that

So I was crying at my shame I guess

and then I don't remember really what happened after that we just went on and we talked about makeup and I think we came to the conclusion that I couldn't really recommend colors for her because she liked brighter colors and I intended to like more muted natural looking colors

But then I wake up and I find out I've slept for like 11 hours or something close to it

so I wonder if my body was telling me to stay down because it needed to deal with some hormonal stuff I don't know I don't usually sleep that long but

Maybe I needed it?

I nite chat: 6:7

so
i got some clarity on defunding
and
i think i'm for that
i was thinking they meant
stop paying anything for police
like disband them
and
that may be the best way to go
but
there would need to be a plan for that
i still think
because
crime is not going to stop
so
then what
neighborhood militia/watch
what
it might be as simple
as disbanding the police
and
forming something else
that is designed to be a protection and safety
human services
with different branches
and one handles dangerous situations
idk
but
maybe you can't reform police
maybe it's too ingrained
the violent control
and racism

good talk

i love you very much indeed
i'm going to bed
to have amazing dreams
and i will see you later
goodnight sweetheart

nite chat: 6:7

i'm not sure what are my thoughts
about defunding the police
what does that actually mean
i think
the police are called out to do
any number of things
that they are ill suited to
that's a fact

once i had an older woman
who seemed obviously schizophrenic
in my coffee shop
and i was inclined to just leave her be
but she started screaming at someone
no one else could see
and cussing loudly
and freaking out the customers
i couldn't get her to stop
i couldn't get her to leave
i couldn't just let it continue

i called the cops
but
i pre-framed them
she's not dangerous
she's just kinda lost and crazy
could you maybe just
gently
taker her somewhere safe

well
he came in mean
and he pushed her around
and he made me sorry that i'd called him
but
even though i gave every cop that came in
free drinks
and encouraged them to stay
because i didn't want to get robbed
like the neighboring businesses
every time i called the cops for anything
i was pretty much sorry about it

there are some situations where you might need them
i'm not sure i'm ready to say disband them
but
i wish there was someone else to call
for the human equivalent of animal control
like there's a problem
they might need to be taken to a shelter
or a hospital
or a therapist
or
some sort of specialist
but
beating them up is not helpful
shooting them is not helpful
so
why do you have to call the police
that's there thing
well
and then there are detectives
but
i'm not convinced about them either
there seem like there are an awful lot of cases
where they just kind of decide who they think did it
and proceed to make the case against them
not so much with the detective work

i know
there are a lot of things
the police departments across the country
could do right now
to greatly decrease the liklihood
of police brutality
and they should absolutely do them right now--  no more fuckin around
there should be a brief sharing of best practices too
anyplace that doesn't have bad numbers
police living in the neighborhoods they police
team accountability to de-escalate
body cameras
prosecution for brutality

i mean
i get how
maybe you have a dangerous job
and you feel threatened
sometimes maybe you have to make a split second decision
maybe you make the wrong choice
but
choking someone for almost nine minutes
is not
a split second wrong decision
it is murder

invading someone's home
not identifying yourself as police
what is anyone supposed to think
your santa come with toys
no
they think you're invading their home to hurt them
guns are legal
that what you have them for, right
protection
how you supposed to know
these the nice home invaders
just come to wrongfully arrest you
but then
you defend yourself
you get shot

this whole thing
is bullshit

every cop i ever met
drinking a free coffee
was a nice cop
but

not all people become cops
because they want to save the world
some of them want to weild power
and
even some who start out wanting to save the world
the get jaded and burnt out
maybe
in addition to whatever else
they need something like the x-ray techs have
when this badge turns black
you have had too much radiation
you have to quit
do a desk
or something

i don't have all the answers
but
i'm not sure
that just sending them away
without knowing what we're doing instead
is the best plan
i'm not sure that we all just live in peace without crime
without some kind of deterrence
i'm not sure about that

do you think that sounds right

maybe i'm wrong
they aren't stopping the school shootings
but they are the ones who come
and arrest them, right

idk
and i don't think you should talk about this at all
i'm not suggesting that
i'm just talking to you about it
because
i'm not sure i'm on the right side of this
but
it doesn't feel thought out completely

thoughts: 6:6

this could be a glorious word

life in the time of grackles

slowly turn around

full moon eclipse in sagitarius

confederate flags in maine

liberate/dominate the battlespace

capricorn/cancer // pluto/saturn/jupiter

the misters sluggo in the night kitchen

75 year old man pushed to the ground and bleeding

rubber bullets take out eyes

magical realism

changing the world

#BLACKLIVESMATTER

COVID-19

[[social distancing]]

defund the police

110,000 deaths

the golden toilet to the bunker boy

I'm awake

I was not going to sleep this late

But I did

I had really kind of amazing dream

There was this young girl teenager maybe not little girl

And she had visualized and prayed that she needed money

Not for a very long time

But she wanted to do something

I'm not sure what

But then

Her mother or her father or somebody

Just gave her a bunch of money

And when they gave it to her there was this image of she was holding her hands out and they were full of gold coins

Now I'm not sure why gold coins

But that's what it was in the image

and she got the money and she was jumping up and down and squealing and saying this is awesome now I have bail money

so I guess she was going to do something for what she was pretty sure she would be arrested

And I'm sure she was doing it for some artistic reason cuz she seemed like she was an artist

But it did seem to me to be a very strange

Reason for a young girl to be wanting money

And there wasn't any explanation

But the image of all the gold coins it was pretty vivid

And then I had another dream

Where a girl and I were working somewhere

Maybe it was a coffee shop

I'm not certain but we went someplace to get drinks

And we had coupons so they were completely paid for

And I can't remember what she got

But I got this thing that I sort of thought was going to be like boba tea

But it turned out

To be more like a blizzard

But it wasn't exactly ice cream

I think it was some sort of non-dairy frozen thing with stuff in it

But it was really really good

And the coupon I paid for it with

It was a weird coupon

It was like a $5 off

But it was for some sort of

Conversation with the deaf program

And I'm not deaf

He don't know how I got this coupon

I don't know how I was able to use the coupon

But I thought it was an interesting concept

It was like come in get a free drink and tell us how we could make our business more user-friendly for deaf people

And then there was another dream

There was this department store that was opening

And it was small

But it had housewares and

Like dishes and cutlery and cookingware and linens and probably candles

Somebody described it as

Similar to the bed and bath store but with quality goods

And I could see in the window and it was shelves around the walls but really nice wooden shelves that were more like some kind of a breakfront or something

And tables in the middle of the floor that were nice carved wood tables

It was just really simple and elegant

The exact opposite of that place that I was talking about which I've never shopped at

I've been in it

I've had coupons for it

I've tried very hard to shop there several times

But it's always seemed like the stuff that had was not very good

One time I was trying to buy cookware

When I bought the stainless steel cookware that I don't really like

But their sets were all weird

and even though I had a discount I just couldn't see getting any of them they just seemed like bad combinations

And I ended up going to Macy's

Which ended up being more expensive because the set I got actually had a few more pieces

And we're a better quality

But I used to really like Macy's

BBB has always seemed like it was not the best quality and way too expensive for what it was not the best prices either

And maybe I dreamed about that

Because I watched a video before I went to bed about a silver fountain pen from yard-o-lead that they were describing in England

And it made me think about those kind of specialty stores and how classy they are

Maybe that's why I dreamed about that I don't know

But I did that meditation again

and it might actually be

a glorious world

I'm super tired

I am in bed

I can't get to sleep

can't quiet my brain

and

headache, again

I love you very much indeed

gonna try

to sleep

a little

I'm awake

I'm so so hungry

I gather a bunch has happened

I've been trying to catch up

I slept a long time

honestly

I could have slept longer

I did that visualization meditation again

I feel even better

it could be a glorious world 

I think I'm gonna head on to bed

I love you very much indeed💋

nite chat: 6:5

the misters sluggo
have not been in the night kitchen
either last night or tonight
i do not know where they can have gone
i have a new ink
my favorite ink ina-ho
does not look happy in the fine nib pen
i am using in my smallish notebook
i love it in a medium nib
it shades
it's a golden color with green and brown
but
in a fine nib
it's kind of a puke-y brown color

so
i went through all sorts of colors
and i really wanted to get a diamine color
and i really wanted to get a kyo no oto color
but
what i ended up getting
was an orange with slightly pinky tones

partly because of the whole tree thing

partly because a pinky orange sounded good

and partly because i could get in fast

i'm quite happy with it

and with the fine nib pen

i can get six words per line

instead of three or four

sometimes more

i write big normally

and i like wide nibs

but

i have small books

and i don't want to carry around a giant one

although, it's not like i'm treking around

i'm interested in diamine sepia and raw sienna

i've been looking at ancient copper and autumn oak for a while

i'm also interested in damson which is a smoky purple

that i don't like quite as much as

kyo no oto sakuranezumi 

or sailor shikiori yozakura

a bunch of the pen people i follow love diamine

and it's a huge bottle for cheap

apparently it's super cheap to order from the uk

with free shipping

or like almost twice as much to order in the us

and pay shipping

i love sailor ink

it's very wet

i have two inks

i'm not looking to get a bunch of ink

i have ina-ho

and sailor jentle doyou

so i'm reasonably sure i'd like the shikiori

although itis not the same formula, so idk, really

i have been wanting to try the kyo no oto

for a long time

although the color that originally drew me was

kyo-iro stone road of gion

that's another of their line

that i think raw sienna is a good dupe for

but actually

it's a little warmer the raw sienna

for a long time i used cartridges

and i used oyster grey

the shading in a medium nib is so beautiful

it was pretty expensive in cartridges

but i used it at work mostly

and it took a long time to go through it

but

i'm not using cartridges now

now i've moved on to actual bottles of ink

the last few years

but i'm not looking to have

a jillion bottles of ink

and in the fine nib

wet ink becomes more important

i've heard that diamine can run a little dry

also

they have these fun inks

purple rain

bloody brexit

they have super sheen

and

i'm not sure i want that

but they look so pretty

but no shading in fine

so

maybe sheen

dunno

not really important

but

colored inks are so happy-ifying