I fell asleep in the chair again

I love you very much sweetheart

ramblings

ok
stuff
i feel like i'm on this quest to find
the stuff i really like
and i feel like i've been on it for several years

and
i can't really understand how that's possible
i mean
haven't i known what i like
haven't i been with me all along
but, no, not exactly

i've changed a good deal in the last few years

now
there's skin care
and that's a false flag operation
i'm not sure there's an end to that
because i've thought i had the perfect routine
countless times
and i keep changing it
and
i just have again, sort of

there's a cleanser that i really really liked
but i decided it was too expensive at the rate i was going through it
but i just recently decided to order the beauty water
with the incentive of a small travel size cleanser
because you're supposed to be able to mix them together to make a mask

i need exfoliation and my skin isn't exactly sensitive
but it becomes over-stimulated easily
and then it breaks out more
but
if i mix the pa'akai and the beauty water and use that as a cleanser
about three times a week
my skin looks pretty good--  smaller pores, firmer, just good

i'm sure i've already mentioned the manyo factory galactomy niacin essence
i tried out a couple of cheaper options but they just don't give the same glow
and besides it takes months to use up that bottle
so not expensive really

well
everybody's doing black friday early sales
so i'm breaking down and buying some stuff i've been looking at for several years
niod sdsm the ordinary EUK 134
i thought i was going to be choosing between them
but
i think maybe it's both
sdsm is like marine hyaluronics, but more, better, lighter
and i got manyo factory bifida
i've used the missha and the estee lauder (although i was too young when i tried that to see a benefit as it's an anti-aging serum and i used one my mom got a sample of when i was a teenager, maybe or early twenties at the latest)
i wanted the ingredient
and i kept looking a cheaper brands:  kranicell, elizavecca
but i decided it would be the same as the galactomy (not as good)
and manyo is a fuck ton cheaper than even missha

and then soko glam sent me a 30% off email
and i got really crazy

for years and years and years i have wanted to try swanicoco brand
i wanted a fermented snail serum
but that has proven to be
elusive

soko glam doesn't have it either
but they have this
swanicoco is a clean beauty brand (as is manyo factory)
niod and the ordinary are maybe clean-ish
but very science-y and, anyway, not dirty
[that's what i'm telling myself, anyway--  PEGs are fine, really]

and i still wanted snail
so i found a missha snail serum
but
that wasn't even pretend clean
and it was pricey
and it has heavy perfume and i said:  enough, no, just no

and i wanted a seaweed serum
and osea has one, but it's too expensive, even at 20% off

and then i saw this
and i've been interested in klavuu for a while
but didn't see anything that looked right for me
and whatever--  it's ewg green level
even though it's not like green beauty
but it's got silt, man, silt
and seaweed [which i'm hoping isn't radioactive]
and hydrolyzed collagen to plump me up

idk
i just felt a vibe, ya know
sometimes it's like that


i've also got data about food
and clothing
but
i'm apparently obsessed with the skin care


and
maybe you

goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

i love you sweetheart
sounds like you had fun
quite an accomplishment, really
i don't think that's been done before
[or i mean, maybe everything's been done
by someone somewhere sometime
but
regardless
a rare accomplishment indeed]

goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much

I had a very stressful

and physically challenging

day at work yesterday

so today

I went back to bed after getting up

I slept on my side

and the cat slept beside me

which he never does

because he must sleep on me

but

I needed to change position

after a night's sleep

I dreamed of wonderous things

a wild west train

with a tour through all it's workings

seeing

cars full of cargo

but also miraculous

and clearly impossible capers

done by many many men

to protect the train

and

enhance it's operation

I wish I could remember and describe them to you

and

there were two captives

Frank Billingsly an outlaw of some type

and

the alleutian king

a man who was maybe an islander

and maybe from the Frozen North

he had an abominable snowman mystique

built up in his caging and display

any yet

I knew something of him

I was some sort of

journalist or naturalist

and I had been

talking to people

and

had been told many tales

one

I believed to be the truth

painted him as not just the foretold hero

but also

the actual savior of his people

though through very different means

than

the stories going round

all of them

it was quite remarkable

all round, remarkable experience

riding on a train

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

I usually get up between 6:30 and 7

then I don't have to rush around

I decided the rushing around was interfering with my quality of life

So I just woke up at 8

Today there will be rushing 

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

i slept in
i didn't do anything productive
well, i mean, i masked
but
i'm not sure that really counts
the weather's really nice here
i had the door open most of the day
i just now closed it, in fact, because
i got an email that said neighborhood crime alert:  lock your doors

oh well
*sigh*
it is dark now after all

the neighbor husband/father
[idk his name]
had a visitor
they sat on the stoop all late afternoon speaking serbian [i think]

i ordered door dash--  pizza
and i said the next time i did that i was getting the cauliflower crust
it was ok
not great
and
i think it's just really scorched cheese or something
i could not detect cauliflower
it was more like no crust pizza
and the crust is the best part

i know i once said chicago pizza was best
but
that's not really true
it's too dense

new york is maybe too thin
but idk, really
i don't think i had it in new york
what i like is a slightly thick-ish hand tossed pizza

i have a beer rep who keeps tellin me i've lost "so much" weight
i just figured he was blowing smoke up my ass
but
he just keeps saying it
so finally i'm like:  i really don't think i've lost any weight

and he's like:  you just don't see it yet
but it's clear in your face
i lost 60 pounds  before so i know what i'm talking about

now
i don't have a scale any more
i'm not sure what happened to it
oh, yeah, when the apt flooded a while back
it fucked it up
and i never got another one
so i'm not monitoring my weight

i did, however start getting fruits and vegetables for lunches
and i switched off the coffee
which i've been back on for october
but without the half and half
i'm seriously craving soy milk now
also chicken noodle soup
i've had chicken soup for dinner like at least 30% of the month
not canned--  like real soup
i realize that's meat
but not a lot of meat
and my body wants it

anyway
mu pajama bottoms fell down
and i was like wtf
because they are only like a yaer and a half old
you wouldn't expect the elastic to have given out yet
and i'm sure they were loose-ish to start
and, i mean, they went back up
it's really not that dramatic

but
then i was super curious

i have this top i bought a couple years ago
when i started buying things that weren't black
and it didn't fit
i mean, it went on, kinda
but it bunched up
it didn't go smoothly over my hips
so it looked like shit and i couldn't wear it
but
i didn't send it back
i really liked it and i said:  i'll lose weight
well now it fits loosely enough over my hips to actually look like it fits

also i had some underwear that i bought at tj maxx
but the sizing was different than what i'm used to--  i've been buying it by pants size for years
but some women's underwear is listed by this sort of secret code
that doesn't match anything else it's like 4,5,6,7,8,9,10
and i knew i didn't wear 10
but i wasn't sure if i was 8 or 9
and i'm not sure which one i bought
but
i could not wear it

now
i can
and it's ok comfortable for standing or walking
but it's pretty uncomfortable for sitting

so
i have lost weight
but i've no idea how much
all my clothes seem fine
they're just too long
and they're extra drapey

so
i'm guessing maybe fifteen to twenty pounds
over the last four to five months
maybe

i hope you're having fun
seems like it'd be fun

i love you sweetheart
i'm going to bed
but
you're probably getting up soon

have a fun day
i'll talk to you more later

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

So I guess I should have said happy Halloween at some point but I wasn't really thinking about Halloween exactly

And I guess I was at some point but then I wasn't

So hopefully you're doing well

And hopefully I haven't done anything upset you

I guess I'm feeling kind of paranoid and it's cold here like really really cold

But I'm afraid to turn on the heater because I'm having this premonition that if I turn on the heater it's going to do that thing where it's got dust in it that catches on fire and it's reminding me about that time my house burned down

well technically it was the neighbor's house that burned down I just had structural damage and really bad electrical smoke but it was still very traumatic and I had to move and I did lose almost everything in my bathroom

So I just have like five blankets on the bed and the kitty wasn't very happy but the insulation is pretty good here so it's not nearly as cold inside as it was outside

Anyway I hope you're having lots of excitement and I love you very much

ok, i have to remember not to mention baseball tomorrow

i don't think i've watched a baseball game in years
that whole time i was a giants fan
i might have seen a couple games
in a sports bar
but
i'm not even sure about that

mostly i just listened on the radio
[on the internet]
or followed on twitter

youtube tv fox sports
was like a really fancy technological advancement for me
4D mapping of the swings
strike zone indicators
all that shit with this is where the ball goes with different pitches
that was so so so much fun

and
i thought initially
oh, this'll be fun because i don't know either team
but
i quickly fell for the nats
but
it was so good
back and forth
so well matched, really
i know houston is sad
they are looking for the "reason" they didn't win
but they didn't fuck anything up
they played well
it just wasn't their year, ya know

i'm never gonna be an astros fan again
but will i stay a nats fan?
i seem to have a certain type of team
a certain set of circumstances
or an ethos
so
i mean
realistically
maybe not

maybe every few years it'll change
or
maybe one of the teams
rendon's new team
strasburg's new team
will catch my heartstrings
or
maybe i'll stay and watch soto develop

i've missed baseball


goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much

schedule is off today

slept late

went downstairs to feed the cat

without phone

to rush myself

*

note to self

didn't work

*

got some stuff

I gotta leave the house for

still gotta shower and etc

reading will be very very late

but

is coming I promise

oh

but important

I don't like the white fluffy goo

it's too sweet

way too sweet

and

actually

I don't really like jelly either

but

I do like cake donuts

😁🍚🥠🎳

goodnight sweetheart

i almost didn't see it
but i did
just in time

fun times

i gotta go to bed now
so so tired
bad headache all day

but

i love you very much sweetheart

I wish I was routing for the Astros

but

I've been routing for the nats

I hope you're doing well

stay away from fires

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

i fell asleep in the chair again

i think the ws is gonna go to 7 games

goodnight sweetheart

i love you very much

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart

sorry I didn't have much to say today

I slept late

and that sorta threw me off

and

I'm rewatching Ken burns baseball

there are new innings

hope your day was good

I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

I fell asleep in the chair again

goodnight sweetheart

if you want to see someone I work with

Paulina is someone I work with

we give each other reviews

of the food

and beverages

I like her because she's her own person

and all genuine like

although

her social media thing is

a little freaky to me

she's about 21-22 somewhere in there

she was home schooled

she didn't and isn't going to college

she's also, yes, really pretty

I might

in my previous life

have had a whole big unrequited love thing with her

but

I seem to have either outgrown that

or

I'm still too much under your spell

all this in case you're interested

I'm never sure

if this kind of thing interests you

she is btw straight and Christian

I love you very much

I'm sorry, I'm not getting anything

I'm pretty tired

I'm going to bed

hopefully I'm open tomorrow

but

in fairness

I was trying to read for me

and that's harder

hope you had a really good day

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

i am a little disappointed that that coral is too big
too strong too
takes over the read
i have some rocks coming
the big sur jade i think is 1"x 1 1/2"
so it might work
then i have what looked like 3 little stones
chrysochlla
they may work
or they may not
then i have a "golden healer" coming
that is a palm sized rock of quartz
not crystal, just rock
with a little citrine or something
just barely yellow
but it's from joshua tree
there's no way it will work in readings
but
i'm hoping it's an energy generator
and i know it'd be better if i found the rocks myself
but
i want them from energy centers
where i have connected
i have a heart shaped rock that comes from big bend
i've had for years
(sadly i didn't find it)
i need a large red jasper
but i really need to find that i think
not order it on line

i'm really figuring this stuff out
somehow

we'll see how it goes

goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much

so
i know that some of these items
are too big
some of them will just go back to doing what they were doing
some of them will be involved
on the board
or used for yes or no
etc
the mechanics of my throwing the bones
are in no way
a code for anything
i'm talking about this freely
because i'm excited about it
don't be looking for trouble

Quetz'l thoughts

so
i've told you that i don't really understand how i got involved with Q'z'l
and that's true
the coin i found
was just some coin bill probably gave me from mexico
and
i didn't know that coin had any relation
or indeed that i had the coin until when i did the research
and when i found it, respectively

when i first started thinking about
what was my totem animal
my first thought
oh it's some kind of dragon
which i then admonished
no
a dragon is not a totem animal
it is a fantasy creature
this is like a native american thing
which is when i came up with bear
because they hibernate
and i had always had this thing with sleeping

like
hard to wake up
like i went to far away and had trouble getting back
that was my thinking

but
i don't think that's what people usually mean by bear

and
today i did some searches
and i can't believe i never tried this before

Quetzalcoatl Shamanism
and
there's stuff
a lot of stuff
i haven't waded through all of it yet
i had dinner with my mom

so
maybe
he picked me a long time ago
and maybe that's tied in with everything
somehow

So

I hope there wasn't anything bad in that

mine says

I've totally changed the farm

now it's totally filled with magic

and other planets are visible in the sky

and there's that same line underneath

like

with

yours

that in yours

was all about the artist perspective

and

it said

it wasn't telling me all that again

that last one

is supposed to be about us

but

I get farm

I don't understand what that means

remember that time

we did extasy on the farm

somethin kind snapped in you head

and it never snapped back

it's been haunting me

like maybe you just like me

for something I wrote once

when I was a person

I don't think I even am anymore

I don't know whether that's true

or crazy

I'd like to think

you know me

and love me

for who I am

but

sometimes I am not sure

and

I'm not sure

how much of you I make up

so

maybe

I shouldn't ask questions

maybe

maybe I can't handle the answers

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

I hope you're doing well sweetheart
I love you very much

just checking in
I wanna make sure
you aren't reading anything as negative
ya know

I feel like
that's something I should do

I'm feeling
pretty good
I'm having some coffee
with califia pumpkin creamer
it's made with almonds and coconut
it's very fall
and the weather is cooler
I love fall

I mean
that's pretty common
but I don't care
I love it

good morning sweetheart

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

I can't believe
I fell asleep in the chair again
Ok
trying again
goodnight sweetheart

fell asleep in the chair again
goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

I'm going to narrate this because I'm getting ready for work and if I sit down and start writing then what's going to happen is I'm going to end up being late to work

I was going through female comedians last night and I was finding that like I couldn't find anybody I thought was funny except for Ali Wong who I've already mentioned I thought was hysterically funny so but I had some theories about why I thought she was so funny to me

and so I examine some earlier videos before she did her special and she wasn't nearly as funny so my theories for me for what I thought was funny bore out is that it had more to do with her expressions and her modulation of her voice and her eye contact with the audience but it had to do with what she was actually saying because a lot of what she was talking about of the kind of things that I normally do not find funny since it's about bodily functions which I generally do not find funny

and in the earlier videos that I saw that were like appearances on shows talk show late night stuff sorry she didn't do that stuff she just talked about you know marriage and getting married and entrapment and that kind of stuff and I normally I don't find that stuff funny either and I didn't on her late night shows like I would never have said oh that Ali Wong she's hysterical from the late night shows

but I mean and I could have liked all those things and write you a big long note about that but that just didn't seem worthwhile. I didn't think you would particularly enjoy that and if I didn't explain it all then it might have made you very confused thinking that that was somehow a message to you right

So then I found Margaret Cho and I guess she worked on that show fresh off the boat with Ali Wong because I'm pretty sure that's Ali Wong show to. And I have watch Margaret Cho since I don't know about 21 years ago or whatever it was that she was popular before and I always liked her I don't know if I would have said oh my God she's the funniest person ever but I saw I've seen some of her stand-up that I thought was pretty funny strangely some of that was about bodily humor too.  So maybe I like bottled humor if it's done the right way she had this thing where she was in traffic in LA and she had a coffee in a bran muffin and she ended up shooting herself in the car and it was pretty funny.  2 really it just said too and I said so.

To the Margaret Cho video apparently I don't say so that sounds like so it's not so much that it was hysterically funny as that it did two things it was a female comedian that was not about sex or indeed guys at all well she does mention that thing about Asian women and Jewish men and I wish that wasn't in there cuz I don't really approve of that but it was the only I think it was the only thing she did in there that was about guys so I let it slide.  but I mean some of the stuff I was watching I really did not like at all did not think it was funny and it was just kind of gross it in some of the Amy Schumer stuff was kind of making me feel really uncomfortable and anyway I didn't have all night but I had watched a bunch of videos and that was one that I was like okay well that's funny enough and doesn't offend me too much. 

I thought it was really interesting because she does use facial expression a little bit but mostly she's got this completely deadpan expressionless face.  And she does use her body when she shows the tattoos and stuff but that's more for some sort of shock value then it is actually funny I think.

So that's my explanation of why I like that video and it's not any kind of like secret coded message about Asian women and Jews that you're supposed to pick up definitely not if I could have edited that part out I would have edited it out but the problem with Mike and things is sometimes you have to like things that you don't completely like anyway I love you and I hope that was not confusing to you and did not make you think that I want you to go get an Asian woman so you can get through the desert quicker.

I love you sweetheart good morning

I love you sweetheart

so
the astros are doing well
and, you'd think, when they won a few years ago
that i would have forgiven them
and gone back to being an astros fan
but
i did not

when i quit them
i was done with them
and they're american league too
i don't think i can be a fan of an american league team
with all that fouling off
and designated hitters
and whatnot

i just followed hunter pence
well, not even intentionally
i was listening to the giants
because they had been your team
and they were doing well
even though they weren't your team anymore
and then there was hunter pence

but now he's gone to the rangers
i can't be a rangers fan
whatever rivalry you think los angeles and san franciso have
that is nothing compared to how houston and dallas feel about each other
not the teams
the cities

when i said i was going to dallas
everyone i told was like
dear god why would you go to dallas
and
when i floated the rangers thing by a few people
people i really trusted
they were like
NO
just NO

so
now
i'm not an astros fan
and they are doing well again
and i haven't been to a baseball game in years
YEARS

astros were leading in the bottom of the 5th

it's weird not to have a team

i mean, first world problems, but still


i ordered super weird pizza
i guess i'm a little app happy
i used my google assistant to help me navigate
instead of just crying and cussing a lot at my geographic dyslexia
i didn't have that available to me until this phone
and
i was resistant
but, i shouldn't have been

so anyway
door dash
i ordered this pizza
it's got spicy ranch--  instead of red sauce
which is weird
but i thought it sounded lighter
then i ordered:
onions
bell peppers
jalapenos
mushrooms
and
pineapple

now, i don't believe pineapple belongs on pizza
i think it's an aberration
but
i love grilled pineapple
and
it wasn't bad
it wasn't quite grilled enough
and
it wasn't really much like pizza
it was more of a flat bread
but i guess that's what i wanted
just with caramelized pineapple and jalapeno
which was also a little mild

they're still leading mid 8th
still leading bottom of the 8th
sorry, got distracted by computer baseball


i have been thinking
about
finding an open mic for stand up
idk if that's a good idea or not
but it seems to have taken root

kick ass
it looks like rudyard's has open mic on mondays
that would be too
cool

I dreamed of a marigold flag
now marigolds are the flowers they throw
in the Ganges in India
they are also calendula
which heals scars
so
I think it has significance
I'm just not certain
what I'm supposed to do with
that information

Okay I just had a dream and I'm dictating it I have one of those dreams where I'm in a final and I'm not prepared for but instead of freaking out I did something about it

So it was an anthropology final and I knew enough that I maybe could have bullshitted my way through it but I didn't want to do that because I love anthropology

so I was on like a time thing for the test and rather than sitting down and bullshiting my way through the test I drove back to where the professor was thereby ensuring that I was not going to get any grade on the test because I wasn't spending any time working on it and I went to the professor and I said look I have not done a good job on this studying preparing for the test because I have let my life and the things I had to do and the things I didn't have to do but good anyway interfere with my focus on this subject

And I used to be really good but I've been out of college for a while and what I would very much like to do just get an incomplete on this course and take it again and dedicate the focus that I need to make this work because I'm good at this and I think I want to be an anthropologist

And the omniscient narrator of the dream had the professor talking to other professors and they were saying while she used to be really awesome before and the professor was saying I don't see it now and they were like well I don't know

So I don't know what the professors going to say but I cared enough about it to risk total failure to try to do a good job and that was different than I've ever had one of those dreams be cuz they were always just about freaking out

So I don't know what that means I don't think it means I should go back to school and become an anthropologist

I don't really see how it has anything to do with us although maybe I'm just not seeing it yet

but I guess it definitely has to do with my attitude and maybe the most important thing is to have that dream go differently you know what I mean rather than it being a stress dream it was about changing it up I'm saying it's never too late to take ownership and fix something you really care about

Maybe

Anyway that was a dream that was pretty intense and this test was amazing it was it was like this hide that was rolled up and it had all these little sculptures you would have like six sculptures and say which was which of these would you rather find and why or you know something like that it was it was intense it was awesome just looking at the test made me want to study anthropology harder and better and usually those tests are math and I would look at him and just be like I don't know what any of this is but this was like well you know I kind of could bulshit my way through this I know a little bit but I want to know it all who is amazing

and the thing that was counting down the test I mean it was like something in my car was plugged into something and that was I don't know but it was this represented by the circle of like raffia and the circle was counting down from the white raffia to read and so as I'm driving I'm watching this raffia like turn red like it was you no account down kind of thing it was amazing he was amazing and such an amazing dream

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much
I've been sleeping during the day
yesterday and today
like
napping
I never do that
not unless I'm sick
so
idk I might be depressed

I had a cool dream though
I drove all around this like grid
and
I like ran my hands through this music
and there were two emails
people wanted me
and I was trying to explain to this woman
with a stack of blankets
and the nay-sayer man hanging around
how I was magic

and God said yes
I was still on assignment
but
some stuff was changing
and things were gonna lighten up for me

I'm not clear what that means
but
it made me feel better

goodnight
i love you

she looked at the apparent stranger
not meeting her eyes
not even briefly
though surely he knew she was there
and she thought
there's something really wrong with the thoughts I'm having right now

he'd lost weight
so she looked him up and down
checking for signs of illness
but
there didn't seem to be any
so
she relaxed
and really looked at him

he was lanky
and she felt like every time she saw him
she was visually feeling his thighs
estimating the volume

once he'd seemed thinner
he'd seemed a crazy frenchman then
she hadn't been sure she was comfortable with that
that kind of wild-eyed lean-ness
but
now
this here
this was more a hank-williams-alter-ego inspired lanky-ness
she looked him up and down again
this
here
now
she decided
was  the perfect lanky-ness
this was attracting her

she sighed inwardly
she didn't actually believe he found her all that attractive
and she didn't feel all that pretty

not that pretty was something she really aspired to, but she thought that's what he liked

hard to say, really

it seemed wrong
for her to like him lanky
when she was fat
but
attraction doesn't work like that
it's not all equal opportunity
besides, it's not like she wouldn't still
be attracted to him if he ballooned up
like the Michelin tire man
she was attracted to him

she'd been a little bit smaller when he met her
which she wasn't sure he remembered
but not much

but
she thought he was intrigued by her, personally
which should be better
and it was
kinda
but also
she kinda wanted the full apple

wait
is that a fucking suspender
she was momentarily
spinning
not like yo granpa suspender
hipster?!
no
actually
it seemed to be practically holding up pants
and
might not even have been
intended as a suspender
by it's creator
ok
so now
it was taking on a little
like
Leatherman edge

I wish he would just look at me
I'd much rather drown in his eyes

I had crazy dreams last night
it was a Xmas set at work
but it was fun
(in real life Xmas sets next week)
also
I was showering at work
and clocking in wearing a towel
very weird stuff

fell asleep super early
goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

hey
I doubt you're looking at my Pinterest
but
just in case
I posted a picture
of a bed
last night
it's not intended to be some
like
coded message
I just really want a new bed
and I really like that one
and I didn't want to forget
where I saw it

I hope you're having a good day

i love you sweetheart

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

I love you

i love you very much sweetheart
sleep tight

goodnight sweetness
you sound so good
i love you very much

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

i only caught a few minutes at the end
i was on the phone with my mom for a long time
and truthfully
i didn't even see it was hapening
i just checked on my phone
after i finished the call

i'm sorry
hopefully things are calmed down now

she was texting me things that didn't make sense
and i just had to talk to her

i'm exhausted
i gotta go to bed

i love you very much sweetheart
goodnight

look
you probably don't want to hear about this
but
my mom
she does not look good

she had been telling me how she's going to a personal trainer
three times a week
because she's trying to build up her strength
she says she's gained five pounds of muscle

but
she looked just as shriveled and stooped
[i had kinda forgotten
she was so fiesty on the phone
with her talk of my horrendous life
i forgot she was all frail and just pictured her
like i remember her best
with her eyes bugged out, screaming, looking like she might stroke out from rage]
except
she looks haggard now

i'm freaked out

she's gonna be 76 in a little less than a month


idk
i have lots of feels about this

i need to see her more often
it's just so draining and dancing monkey-ish
because she wants me to entertain her
but
she isn't very entertained by me
she doesn't get me
i need something we can do

but
i'm not sure what
she doesn't like movies
she doesn't have the energy to walk
or stand for any length of time

i'm at a loss
but someone recommended this
and i think it has merit
plays

i never thought of plays
would she sit through a play
idk
i'm going to approach it this way

hey, i'm going to go see ________________ would you like to go with me?

then maybe she will
and if she won't
maybe i still get credit for trying
[or maybe not, whatever]
and
maybe i'll include some lectures
or
poetry slams
or
something

i've got to come to some kind of terms with this shit
because
it's not like
she's gonna die soon
it's like
i'm maybe gonna have to move in and take care of her
i'm not really sure she should be alone now
i'm just taking her at her word

we had dinner
she ate bits out of a salad
[she would normally get an entree]

i had a big lunch, she says
she got an all access pass to olive garden's pasta bowl
now
i thought she was specifically avoiding pasta
because of the pre/diabetes
now she's eating bottomless pasta bowls?


ok
sorry
not your problem
not what you want to hear
my head hurts

~ you may ask yourself, where is my ayahuasca ceremony
~you may ask yourself where is my omniscient narrator
~you may ask yourself

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

I had in pleasant dreams though
I dreamed that instead of driving a car I had some sort of a motorcycle type thing but with giant like 18 wheeler type wheels
And I kept having problems with people stealing bits off of it
So I was parking at like inside convenience stores and things like that
But then I would go into the convenience store to get my vehicle and the tire should be like all blown out or the engine would be stripped
And it would be like really dude to whoever was behind the counter and they be like
I don't know

It was very strange I don't know what that means

and that was the older dream then there was another dream that I just had
But strangely I can't remember that one

So I'm not sure what to think

Still have that headache too

It's worse though it's almost like my migraine level
not quite

goodnight sweetheart
i hope you're happy and healthy
and everything is beautiful where you are

i'm good
pretty good

i mean
i'm old and achy and shit
but
i'm in pretty good spirits

i was going to cook a vegan moussaka today
but i woke up with a headache
so i decided to just clean up the big mess
that i haven't cleaned
because i'm always too tired

also
i ate donuts
and drank tea
it was not a bad day at all

I fell asleep in the chair again
goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much
💋

good night
sweet heart
i
love you
very
much

ok, now for something good -- pears

so this imperfect produce thing has been interesting
i discovered dates
and that i won't eat kale
that their tomatoes and peaches are not good
and that their bell peppers are of inconsistent quality

but
they gave me back pears

when i was a kid
i lived with my gran gran
and she hated to cook
so
truthfully
i eat a lot of canned and packaged foods
but one of the things i loved
that i had forgotten about
was canned pears

packed in juice rather than syrup, i hope
but i'm not 100% sure

canned pears are soft
they are sweet
but
there's a delicate quality--  ethereal, like
there's nothing quite like them

not even "real" pears
when i went to live with my mom
she hated to cook too
[not a familial thing
gran gran was my dad's mom]

she would buy big blocks of cheese
and turkey ham
and cottage cheese
and fruit
and you could just go at it

or
if she cooked
she'd make a giant stock pot
of either chicken soup
or tapioca pudding
[which she invariably scorched]
and then we'd just eat that for all meals
until it was gone

pears were one of the fruits
and i remember thinking how different they were than the canned ones
so much earthier
so much less ethereal
but the juice would run down my face
and they were so satisfying
and they were "real"
so i swore off the canned ones

but
then i began having problems with pears
[after i was an adult and buying my own groceries]
i would buy them
and they would go from being rock hard
to being rotten
with no step in between
where they were actually edible
after this happened a bunch of times

i stopped buying pears
and
i mean it's probably been thirty years
i figured it was the whole
pick it before it's ripe
spray it with something so it doesn't ripen
then spray it with something so it will ripen
was just confusing the poor fruit
it wasn't it's fault
but
i wasn't playing that game anymore


and i was taking em off the list for the imperfect produce, at first
but then one week
there were apples and pears and mangos
that was it for fruit
so
i would normally take all those off
then i would have no fruit

i checked the apples
i only eat a few varieties of apple
they had granny smith and red delicious
i don't eat those

i took off apples and left pears and mangos
mangos are too sweet, too messy
i don't like them that much

as it turns out i do
nothing wrong with them

the pears though
have been amazing
soft and juicy

and today
when i was eating lunch
i ate my mango
and my two tiny avocados
and two pears
and as i was cutting the core out
and eating the cut up pieces
rather than biting into it and having it run all down my face
i experienced that ethereal quality of the pears
i had forgotten it
didn't expect it
wasn't looking for it
bliss

mom -- weather report

so
you would have no reason to be following the weather here
but
this tropical storm just kinda threw itself together
and hit land today
"around lunch time" according to the weather folks
so now there may be flooding for the next few days
or
they might be making it weatherpocalypse

i looked at the radar
and
there have been storms like that since i was a kid
well, before, but you know what i mean
and most of them haven't been any big shakes
but
since allison
we're all a little ptsd
that was just a tropical storm
but it stalled out and dumped a lot of rain

anyway
i called my mom

she's been having her groceries delivered
and i wanted to tell her
maybe stock up
we might all be in a few days
but
she said she's got plenty of supplies


but
then
she ended up saying something like
the only way you're going to escape from this disaster of a life you've made for yourself
is to write a really good novel

wtf

things escalated to quickly for me to follow

i'm trying to make sure she's ok
and
granted
it was too long between calls/visits
but
i've been depressed
and i couldn't handle it

she was wanting to trade mein for meredith
her sister's kid
for a while
because meredith was calling her all the time
but she got over it
because it got tedious listening to her problems
she's married, not happily
to a guy who doesn't treat her very well
and gambles away all their money
she's got two little girls
and now her mother has moved in with her
after years of ignoring her
wanting no part of her life
only to become an invalid who needs constant care


and when we were talking about her last
i said something to the effect
that i had always considered myself successful
mostly because i didn't get married and have kids

well
apparently that stuck in her craw for some reason
so now she's like
you defined your life by what you wouldn't do
instead of what you might be good at
and now
only writing a really good book can save you from
the disaster of your life


ok
see ya for dinner monday


what is wrong with her
if it goes two months without my seeing you
and
i've probably only talked to her twice
that seems like
not the best time to remind me of

your finer points


anyway
it's been raining for hours
but
it's stopped now
i guess i'll go to bed

i don't think she's right,ya know
i think it's entirely possible that writing a super good novel
might not help me at all
there being so many variables involved in that saving me

i also think
there might be a broad spectrum of other things
that could save me
but
she is definitely not one of those things
she's just so chitinous

i was pretty wiped out when i got home
i made noodles
not like super healthy
but
occasionally ya gotta have a carb bomb

https://www.worldmarket.com/product/grandm%C3%A8re-egg-nest-egg-pasta.do?sortby=ourPicks&from=Search

i mixed in
some butter
some olive oil
and a spoon of "better than bouillon" chicken
i had hot tea (pu ehr) with it

then
i proceeded to fall asleep sitting up much earlier than usual
and
now i'm going to bed late again
not an eventful evening

maybe it was supposed to be seventeen bottles of beer on the wall
because of the beer reference

oh
i changed my background picture to you guys
it had been you at brunch or something
i like the look of you better in this one
much more belligerent

i'm fantasizing about sleeping with you
non-euphemistically
really, i'm so tired
but
i'd love to be snuggled up with you

idk if this is better than not writing in your eyes
it's not genius or poetic
it's just beat down tired
and that's pretty boring
but

i love you
and if you tell me what you'd like to read
i will try to provide tomorrow

goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much

Okay I've overslept and I'm running really late so I'm going to record this so it's going to be all wonky I dreamed
There was something about a contest that was weird no phrase completion
And I was sure I was going to win but then somehow I didn't get it interred in time
But then maybe the first contest was something else and I was sure I was going to win I don't know it's not a hundred percent clear now
So that was the one
And then there was the sentence completion 1 and I was looking at a billboard that was next to the railroad track and it went on for a really long time and it was like it had already been completed because I missed it somehow either I didn't know what it was or I didn't get it in in time or something
But it was something like 17 bottles
Of beer on the wall I don't know but 17 bottles was something to do with the sentence completion and then
Maybe you and your family were there and we were talking about it I'm not sure

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

I love you sweetheart

I hope that wasn't somehow traumatizing
it wasn't meant to be

I love you very much sweetheart

https://www.patrickobrian.com/am_chrono.htm

i wasn't kidding about these books

i'm seeing so clearly
a trajectory
a trajectory which i really knew already
but somehow it's clearer to me now
from tones in voices
and
stuff
than from science

and
other stuff has happened
i'm not saying life didn't go on
but
in a way it didn't
it's like a lost love
but worse

i get it now so clearly


which somehow cosmically mirrors
my coming to understand something about my father
and how i hurt him
driving home from santa cruz that first time
learned about my relationship with my father from you

and maybe it's a writer-y thing
this seeing of dramatic story arcs
from fine motion clockwork peaches

but you know what ya'll have to do now
it has got to got to happen
scientific thesis

and
another realization
i might love fleeting more than the others
whether it's "better" or not
because
that's where i heard the call
it seemed so strong a cry for love
and i said to
 myself
i want that
and i was a gonner after that

i had ideas about you before
that never would have led me to approach you
i doubt i would ever have spoken to you
except for the eye contact/connection that night
but
the whole thing
it was them as much as you
that atmosphere
that night


so
wow
such a tenuous thread of fate
that has joined me to this path
i hadn't realized
it had always just seemed like
of course
it's my mission
but
clearly
it was
sequenced

i love you sweetheart-- the adventure continues

never mind the maneuvers just go straight at em
is what jack aubrey says
that nelson always said in battle
and that
is what i'm saying to you

that
and that if you haven't read those books
i recommend all 20 of em

have all the fun

goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much

you had fun, huh

once i had a clothes line

there's a thing with clothes
or maybe i just think there is

if you've worn em once or twice
and you didn't really get em dirty
then after a while
they just kinda air out

now
i haven't tested this out in a while
but i'm on this long stretch of not doing laundry
just kinda hand washing
bits and bobs

i don't wanna get too deeply into it
the point is
i wanted to wear these pants
they're green
i wore them probably once
months ago
and i haven't done a green load

now
now i have to do green loads
and red loads and purple loads
and white loads
it's enough to make your head spin
i used to just do laundry
everything was black and it didn't matter

whatever
the pants aren't clean
and they've been on the floor for months

so
like a twenty year old
i pick em up and sniff em
they smell like
nothing at all
theory proven, yet again

but
the act of doing it
reminded me of when i had a clothes line

something you don't know about me
i wash everything on delicate
and i hang almost everything

i've started playing little games with the dryer in the last year or so
drying things partially
drying things i care less about

whatever
fundamentally i hang my clothes to dry

but
when i was twenty-seven
i lived in a house with a yard
and it had a clothes line

i'd walk to the detached garage
the door always open
wash my laundry

and then hang it on the line

and
this is one of the touchstone experiences

when clothes dry on the line
they come out a little stiff
not fluffy like if you use dryer sheets
[which i have never in my life used--
i guess i really am a hippy
biocleen soap with grapefruit seed extract
and no no no to the dryer sheets]

i'm not maybe mad for the stiffness

what i am mad for
the smell

clothes from the line smell of the sun
that won't make any sense unless you've smelled them
but
i love it

and today
when i smelled my pants
it brought the memories of the clothes line and the smell of the sun
crashing back to me

and
it was a much better day

I'm there with you in spirit

the fun you'll have
with the lads
makes me smile to think
that's how I first saw you
you know

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

it's like semi a tradition for me to write about 911 on the date each year

i haven't actually
not every year
and i wasn't sure that i had anything new to add
not really
i mean
it's 18 years out
whatever children were being born on that--  inauspicious day
[does inauspicious seem an appropriate word?]
they have reached their majority
unless we're talking drinking
[which has never made sense as far as i'm concerned]

why not save any spare thoughts for the 20, ya know

i saw a lot of posts today
and many of them were moving
or
good tribute at least in one way or another
but
the one that stood out to me
perhaps because i can't recall seeing it before
though, surely i did
was this:

https://www.newyorker.com/news/news-desk/911-new-yorker-covers

the first one pictured from sept 24, 2001

idk why
but
that is so beautiful and right
it just really grounded my thoughts about it
i always go back through my memories
Polaroids in a train case, perhaps
a scattered ticker tape of shredded starbucks receipts for water
and the story of my brother walking across the bridge to brooklyn
casey and i at aunty pastos
the poor truck driver with not one to receive the truck
margeaux who was a new hire then
and how proud she was to wear the t-shirt with the flag
stabucks put out after the fact
that whole flag hysteria
my flag is bigger than your flag
when are you going to do something about that element
she's got a kid now must be like 12

and the plane
hitting the tower
again
and
again
and again

i didn't see the people holding hands, jumping
until
right now
and now i'm thinking about the stairwells


i was at work today
and i didn't finish by 10
in fact it was about 11 when i finished
myrka (i can't see to decide on the spelling of her name, can i)
she is the signage "pos" co ordinator
so you'd expect her to be good at signs
but
my god
it was amazing
normally i have a rep or reps
who show up whenever and have to constantly ask where things are
even though i have them sorted
and they talk constantly

myrka closed the night before
but she was there before me
and i was on time
she didn't ask
she found most of it with no problem
and i had to ask her if she seemed to be wandering
and
we didn't talk at all!
amazing, refreshing, wowing


anyway
amanda came in at 11
so when i finished at 10 til 11
she was sitting in the break room
and she said:

i remember 9/11
i was in middle school
[she said some more after that
but i really didn't hear it]

you were in middle school?

and i start counting back
she's like 31 or 32
she basically 20 years younger than me
i was 34

so, yeah
she was in middle school


and somewhere in the back of my mind
that particulate matter--
part ash
part pulverized building materials
whatever--  that stuff
is still swirling and huffing into every little nook and cranny
as if nothing will ever be clean again

I love you sweetheart

I can't be there
but
I wish I could
and
I super like it

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

i stayed home sick today
i'm not sure how sick i am
it might be mostly exhaustion
i've got a promo change wednesday
and i'm trying to get everything moved around
i moved a lot of case stacks yesterday
and i expected to be sore
but
when i woke up
it felt more like i had a cold

i've had a bad cough lately
it all might be allergies and exhaustion
but i called out sick anyway

which was how i found out about that one thing
almost an hour before hand

i made another version of vegan mac + cheese
instead of the butternut squash
i used three red bell peppers--  tiny ones from the imperfect produce
my original plan had been to stuff them
but they were too small

also i used more smoked paprika
and some cumin
and less mustard

it came out very nacho cheese-y

i tried stirring it
and stopping while it still had a wet texture
which looks better
but
it doesn't taste better
it tastes the best when it's dry
and it's a little too brown to look pretty


the ides of march thing has me confused
so i'm not sure how to cook that
temperature control
or free-style
to make everything come out right

and the aliens might be sloping around
just outside the window
and the government might be reading my brain
tin foil hats all round

goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much

I love you very much
sweetheart

I'm gonna dictate this

Last night I dreamed I was driving it was really weird it was like I was driving on these big giant overpasses and everything went up and down and over and it was snowing I think and it was really kind of scary and my perspective kept shifting. I'd be looking at it from the angle that I was in the car and then I'd be looking at it from this extreme bird's eye view and it was just weird.

and then I was going to be taking a train and there was some other person some other girl then I met and we were talking about taking the train but I don't really remember any other pertinent information except there were all these time constraints and money constraints and everything was very stressful.

and then I went to a diner I don't know if I was getting food to take on the train or if this was unrelated to the train but I was at the diner and I couldn't find anything I wanted to eat.

and then I went up to the counter and I saw that they had donuts and they had three different flavors and I was really tired and I was like you know what just give me a dozen of each of those flavors but there had been these two other girls who were trying to buy donuts and him and and hawing around and trying to figure out how to get a discount and not actually wanting to pay for the donuts.

and they grabbed one of my boxes of dozen donuts and come took off with them and then the girl who was working behind the counter didn't want to let me go with the donuts I was like it's fine just tell me the two dozen I'll just do without that other done doesn't and she's like no you ordered them and I'm like well yeah I ordered them right here but it's not like I ordered them in advance and you cook them special and besides you're the ones that let those other girls take them I'm like so now there aren't those dozen donuts so I'll just buy the two dozen that are still here and go.

and she's like no you have to go ahead and pay for them and will cook them and you come back when they're done and I'm like no I need to go I don't have time for that and they're like well you ordered them and you have to pay for them whether you take them or not.  And I'm like that's ridiculous I need to talk to your manager.

and you don't understand I never asked to speak to somebody's manager I'm not sure I've ever asked to speak to somebody's manager I just don't do that but I mean it was just no way I was going to pay for some donuts I wasn't getting and they're the ones that let the other girls take them and they let them take them I just wanted to go at that point I don't even care if I got any donuts I just wanted to go.

but I ended up talking to the manager and they were like yeah that's fine you can just go so I took the two dozen donuts I don't remember what flavors they were now but they were really good-looking flavors and I was happy to have them but I had kind of a bad taste in my mouth from the whole experience.

So I really don't know what that means.

And I meant to write about it earlier but then I just didn't.

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

I fell asleep in the chair so I'm just going to dictate this so the lines aren't going to match up the way they usually do

I had a really terrible day at work today it was labor day and they were coupons and it was super busy and they scheduled a really light staff that would have been really busy on a regular day which I really don't understand

And Saturday Teddy texted me and it was turned into kind of a long texting conversation and so I felt bad and I said hey what's going to have coffee and I forgot that it was going to suck for the holiday so I was really unenthusiastic about going

But it wasn't really that bad

And I fell asleep in the chair and my head hurts I'm going to bed now

I love you very much sweetheart
Good night

goodnight sweetheart
I love you

i've been sleeping in the chair
sitting straight up
all night
well, fie hours or so
i didn't even take my makeup off

ewwwww

i love you baby

ima take my  dark world visions off to actual bed now

i think my favorite
is the train song
if you were wondering

although the ones on either side...
1,3,4,5,10, and 11
you already know i like
2 and 6 give strong tonal world back fill

and
particularly strong use of that one old song

j&j productions solid

goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much