look
you probably don't want to hear about this
but
my mom
she does not look good

she had been telling me how she's going to a personal trainer
three times a week
because she's trying to build up her strength
she says she's gained five pounds of muscle

but
she looked just as shriveled and stooped
[i had kinda forgotten
she was so fiesty on the phone
with her talk of my horrendous life
i forgot she was all frail and just pictured her
like i remember her best
with her eyes bugged out, screaming, looking like she might stroke out from rage]
except
she looks haggard now

i'm freaked out

she's gonna be 76 in a little less than a month


idk
i have lots of feels about this

i need to see her more often
it's just so draining and dancing monkey-ish
because she wants me to entertain her
but
she isn't very entertained by me
she doesn't get me
i need something we can do

but
i'm not sure what
she doesn't like movies
she doesn't have the energy to walk
or stand for any length of time

i'm at a loss
but someone recommended this
and i think it has merit
plays

i never thought of plays
would she sit through a play
idk
i'm going to approach it this way

hey, i'm going to go see ________________ would you like to go with me?

then maybe she will
and if she won't
maybe i still get credit for trying
[or maybe not, whatever]
and
maybe i'll include some lectures
or
poetry slams
or
something

i've got to come to some kind of terms with this shit
because
it's not like
she's gonna die soon
it's like
i'm maybe gonna have to move in and take care of her
i'm not really sure she should be alone now
i'm just taking her at her word

we had dinner
she ate bits out of a salad
[she would normally get an entree]

i had a big lunch, she says
she got an all access pass to olive garden's pasta bowl
now
i thought she was specifically avoiding pasta
because of the pre/diabetes
now she's eating bottomless pasta bowls?


ok
sorry
not your problem
not what you want to hear
my head hurts

~ you may ask yourself, where is my ayahuasca ceremony
~you may ask yourself where is my omniscient narrator
~you may ask yourself