it's like semi a tradition for me to write about 911 on the date each year

i haven't actually
not every year
and i wasn't sure that i had anything new to add
not really
i mean
it's 18 years out
whatever children were being born on that--  inauspicious day
[does inauspicious seem an appropriate word?]
they have reached their majority
unless we're talking drinking
[which has never made sense as far as i'm concerned]

why not save any spare thoughts for the 20, ya know

i saw a lot of posts today
and many of them were moving
or
good tribute at least in one way or another
but
the one that stood out to me
perhaps because i can't recall seeing it before
though, surely i did
was this:

https://www.newyorker.com/news/news-desk/911-new-yorker-covers

the first one pictured from sept 24, 2001

idk why
but
that is so beautiful and right
it just really grounded my thoughts about it
i always go back through my memories
Polaroids in a train case, perhaps
a scattered ticker tape of shredded starbucks receipts for water
and the story of my brother walking across the bridge to brooklyn
casey and i at aunty pastos
the poor truck driver with not one to receive the truck
margeaux who was a new hire then
and how proud she was to wear the t-shirt with the flag
stabucks put out after the fact
that whole flag hysteria
my flag is bigger than your flag
when are you going to do something about that element
she's got a kid now must be like 12

and the plane
hitting the tower
again
and
again
and again

i didn't see the people holding hands, jumping
until
right now
and now i'm thinking about the stairwells


i was at work today
and i didn't finish by 10
in fact it was about 11 when i finished
myrka (i can't see to decide on the spelling of her name, can i)
she is the signage "pos" co ordinator
so you'd expect her to be good at signs
but
my god
it was amazing
normally i have a rep or reps
who show up whenever and have to constantly ask where things are
even though i have them sorted
and they talk constantly

myrka closed the night before
but she was there before me
and i was on time
she didn't ask
she found most of it with no problem
and i had to ask her if she seemed to be wandering
and
we didn't talk at all!
amazing, refreshing, wowing


anyway
amanda came in at 11
so when i finished at 10 til 11
she was sitting in the break room
and she said:

i remember 9/11
i was in middle school
[she said some more after that
but i really didn't hear it]

you were in middle school?

and i start counting back
she's like 31 or 32
she basically 20 years younger than me
i was 34

so, yeah
she was in middle school


and somewhere in the back of my mind
that particulate matter--
part ash
part pulverized building materials
whatever--  that stuff
is still swirling and huffing into every little nook and cranny
as if nothing will ever be clean again