a bunch of bits

when i went to sleep last night
i was pretty agitated
but when i woke up this morning
i felt like
you had
i'm not sure
did you talk to me
did you hold me
idk
but i felt better when i woke up

then
when i drove to work
two birds flew in front of my car
not quite close enough to make me think i was going to hit them
but definitely close enough to make me notice
these birds seemed like a couple
then
another set of birds flew by
these were not as close
and they were higher in the air
i was definitely in no danger of hitting them
bt these birds seemed like
they might have been chasing each other
like fighting but maybe not quite
but it didn't seem friendly

i use birds as a sign
quite a bit
and
they almost never fly in front of my car anymore

but i had begged for signs
the day before
and
i don't think god gave me any
or else i didn't see them
now
here was a sign twice
was it relevant that the relationship of the birds
seemed different


this morning
i looked on a shelf in my cabinet
and the lovers tarot
was in a different position than i remember leaving it
but it's been a while
and
i probably moved it the last time i was looking for something
but
it was in a weird position
on it's side
i can't recall ever setting a deck on it side
it was weird
(i said that) but it caught my attention
so i picked it up
and there was a ring that i haven't worn in forever
it's not like such a beautiful ring
but
it's hematite, which is very grounding
and sturdy
and it's a ring that fits my middle finger
most rings i have fit my ring finger
or pinky
but very few the middle finger
and
i don't feel like i can wear rings to work that are on my ring finger
because it's too easy for them to get knocked
and that finger is weak
on my left hand for sure
but even on the right
since i'm missing that tendon
and the top knuckle doesn't bend
i just don't like to mess up my system for lifting heavy stuff without damage
but
i figured
if it's gonna show me a ring i had forgotten about
that's grounding
when i kinda need extra grounding
then i'm wearing it
and i enjoyed it
i wish i could remember when and where i bought it
it's hand made for sure
and i probably got it at an art show or maybe the blue hand
but i must have had it at least twenty years
it really isn't my style at all now
and i figure there must a some message in the ring
and if i could remember details
they might be important to the message

i was big into hematite in the late eighties and early nineties
but then i kinda got over it
and i can't think why it would have been just loose in the cabinet
unless my mom brought it to me in with stuff she found
which is totally possible
although it is hand made
and i like that
it bothers me that it is kinda flat on one side and curved on the other
where they either flattened it or didn't flatten the other side
before they cast it
the asymmetry bothers me
i don't think that's the message


i don't think i told you about meeting red jasper
when i went on that trip
which i may not have told you about
it was the summer when i was eleven (i think)
i went to massachusetts with the woman who ran the weird school i went to
i didn't really want to go
because i thought the time with her would make school weird
which it did, i was right
but my mom made it clear that if i didn't go
i would never hear the end of it
it was good for me, mostly
but there was a point where i was on a rocky beach
which was new to me
i had only known sandy beaches
and
i picked up this red stone that was calling to me
and it was like it started singing to me
like it was connected to my soul
like we loved each other
but it was a rock
so that was a little odd
but
i mean i'd been talking to trees since i could walk outside and get to the tree
so not that weird
anyway
i found out later
it was red jasper
and i'm not sure why i didn't think it was just like that particular rock
like maybe it was like moana's rock
but, no
i assumed it was the whole red jasper family that had the relationship with me
although i'm not sure another one has sung to me
https://www.healingcrystals.com/Red_Jasper_Articles_90.html

i have always kinda wanted a red jasper ring
but i've not really ever found one
and
just the day before i was very drawn to a crocodile ring
and i'm like, crap, is that a new totem
what would that mean

also
about nirvana
those things those music theory type things
are exactly the things that most drew me innitially
that sound
so now i'm wondering
should i make an effort to learn music theory
because although i've learned the scales
i don't know any of the actual theory
and i always figured
well, that's maths honey
you probably can't learn it
but i'm kinda interested now


i feel like there was more

i'm going to bed now
you may be already awake
i love you sweetheart

ok, if you ever wondered just how quickly my skin responds to sun

I don't know how long I've been out here
not too long
my upper arms
were very very white
because, let's face it
they pretty much never see the light of day
I just watched them "tan"
in real time
they are more of a flesh tone
and I mean covered
with tiny tiny freckles
if I stay out too much longer
I'll be burned
but
the way my skin works
it takes hours to develop
by the time it looks a little pink
it's too late
I'm gonna be lobster red
in four or five hours


the rest of my skin is a little safer
from years of sun exposure
sun damage
wow
the freckles are growing
probably need sun screen
my face feels a little tight
I wonder
will I get freckles on my face
I haven't
I don't think
for years
but I did when I was a kid

omg it's so beautiful today

this could be every day
and I would be fine with it
I'm talking weather


it's 70
but real feel 72
there's a breeze
it's pretty breezy
it's sunny
you could wear a light sweater
if you weren't gonna be doing much
but
I'm outside in my sleeping
around the house clothes
which is regular pants
but they got big flowers in em
so
like
I like em
but I'm not wearin em out in public
and my
let's be honest
at this point really needs washing
blue tank top
which I love also
and I wish I had a porch
or a yard
or a terrace
so I could sit out in this and drink my coffee
I slept in
cause I've only gotten five hours of sleep
a bunch of nights in a row
and I had toast
and watched some guy sing a bunch of times
and then
I went to check the mail
and that's when I discovered
I was squandering the most beautiful day
by being inside
so I came out here
and am writing this on my phone
I'm gonna go get my coffee
this is a great chance to get
some vitamin D


I love you
hope everything is well

also
I have no idea
what jewelry she's talking about
it's no like she's Liz Taylor

sorry, thanks for listening

i know that wasn't really all that interesting
my issues with my mom
but
i really don't get her

oh
the storm is coming
i just heard really loud thunder

goodnight sweetheart

in dreamland
i'd like to go for a walk
but our clocks are all off
so i don't know if we can
maybe tomorrow
i'll try to go to bed early tomorrow

i love you

i'm having trouble posting time appropriately

i love you sweetheart
i need to go to bed
i'm brunching tomorrow

i love brunch
except that i have to leave the house

but
ya know
sometimes ya just gotta

you look like you're having so much fun
and
i kinda can't tell you how relieved that makes me
which i can't explain, exactly

it's not that i thought you couldn't have fun, obvs
but
ya know
sometimes
different can be different
and
i'm loving the look of you having fun
with your mates, ya know

there are fun things to do there
and
somehow
the next place you're going
well, not exactly, but generally
i feel like
a special vibe for
because i feel like
we had some remote viewing type date or something
it's hard to explain
but
but i feel like it's kinda our place
even though that's kinda crazy
and
i made up
this whole unesco holiday
based on some painting you did
i don't remember what it was
or how i decided it related to the unesco site
or what the unesco site was
i just remember my fantasy
that you planned this surprise trip for me
and us walking among the black stone minimalist landscape
and
it made my heart swell
like suddenly
i loved you more
there was just something magic in the crazy for you

goodnight sweetheart

good morning sweetheart
hope everything is well
I love you

well, it got late again

i have to go to bed
but
i had some thoughts today
about things
i want to be sure you know about me

i'm afraid you might think that i'm a republican
or
maybe a republican sympathizer
because
i think i may have said i'm independent
and i've recently found out that that's code for republican

i was raised by my grandmother
who wasn't sure that it was entirely appropriate
for me to take dance class from lane conway
since she had the habit
of putting republican candidate signs in her yard

she was
i'd have to lovingly describe her as a yellow dog democrat
you know what that is, right

and
i can still remember a passionate argument
i had with my mother
when i found out she was republican
(she voted hilary)
explaining to her
that she wasn't rich
although this was 1980 and she had had her own business for a while
maybe the republicans had a better tax plan for her
i couldn't wrap my head around that

the very first election i ever voted in
was in 1985
i was sure of that, except it doesn't seem like it adds up
i had just turned 18 and was legal to vote
but there wouldn't have been a primary election in 1985
so, i don't know what to tell ya
i'm sure it happened that way
and
who i voted for
was jesse jackson

i used to get those cards
later, when i was in college
from the gay political caucus -- gpc
because there was one fucking letter back then
that's how fucking old i am
and i would use those cards to help me vote
until one time there was a liberal republican on the card
and i agonized
back and forth, back and forth
until finally
i punched the hole next to the guy's name
and
i'm still not sure like 30 years later that it was the right decision
that is literally the only time i've done that
voted republican

however
somewhere along the line
i started disliking the democrats
so
i don't really consider myself one of those either
so i call myself an independent
because i thought words sometimes mean what they mean
and
i shoulda known better

i was very excited when i heard about the green party
maybe it wasn't exactly when they started
but
pretty soon after, i think
and
i wouldn't mind to call myself one of those
except it hasn't worked out so well
i'm occasionally excited by some other third party candidate
but, well, ditto

i usually vote democrat
truth be told
because i'm usually trying to keep some republican
from getting elected


another thing i think you think about me
is that i'm all freaky and s&m-y, sexually
let me disabuse you of this belief

i used to have an interest in s&m
not the same thing, really
as being a practitioner
i have never been in any relationship that was based on roles
really any kind of roles
but much less power roles, as such
the thing i primarily admire in the s&m model
is the idea of discussing the rules and working out things like safe words
ahead of time
openly
rather than, say
refusing to aknowledge
what is going on and where you want it to go
so that it is impossible to make informed decisions
and everything is just whatever
which
i think
is why you continued to hear about s&m
and stuff like that throughout the course of the last ten-ish years

i will admit
i have engaged in some activities
that might overlap with s&m
but
i think they would be more rightly described as rough
or pain inducung

candle wax
cigarette burns
mild strangulation
as examples

but never as a submissive as such
i would say
i've never been much about submission
and
if i was going to be in a power based relationship
which i most emphatically would not
then
i would be the dom not the sub
and that
would more closely mirror
the kind of more of a top relationship
that i have had
with all the actually quite shockingly low number of partners i've had
except for robert
who was definitely the top
although not in the way i was a top

he was a top in a very "male" way
and i use it in quotes because i'm not saying that men are "like that"
although sometimes they are
very self motivated and take-y
i was a top more in the way that
one takes pleasure from giving pleasure than receiving it
at least
mostly like that
although
in the end
when i was imagining you
probably, realistically
i was mostly focused on my orgasms
and
i find
i'm not really ashamed of that either


so
maybe
keep in mind
i've had three long-term sexual relationships

two one-night stand type situations
one of which
might not count
depending on your criteria for sex

and five more that include friends
with whom i had on-going relationships
but very brief sexual encounters
which in all but one case
included an extended
romantic but non-sexual relationship

so ten

two women
eight men

three of the men
what we did
did not include intercourse

six of the men was only a one time thing
whatever that thing was

nicole
was twice

i'm 51 years old
so
you tell me
am i experienced?

good morning sweetheart

I hope you're doing well
I'm not painting in any meaningful order
just doing the oracle card symbols
I'm enjoying the painting
even though
I really don't know how
to use watercolors properly


I hope you are having fun


I love you

i've stayed up quite late again

so i feel like you're probably already asleep
so probably no reason to set a bunch of intension
for dreamland tonight
hopefully
we meet up
but
if we don't then i'll see you in the morning

goodnight sweethears
i love you

good morning sweetheart
hope you're doing well
I love you

i wanted to tell you about my dream last night

but
i feel like
although i could describe it
it's so like a movie visually
i don't think a description would really capture
regardless, here goes

it was a really big field of grass
arial view, mostly
but some at ground level
at odd angles
there were two men
and i feel like they were famous actors
like
i want to say
nicolas cage and ben stiller
but
i mean they were acting
so they were other people
and there was some force
that made them fly across the ground
first one way
then the other
and there were these two holes
they would drop guns into the holes
and out would pop
bags of beautiful mary j buds
so so pretty with little golden hairs

and the actions all seemed
somewhat violent
but
fascinating

space

i'm going to bed
pretty soon
and i want to suggest something
for us to do in dreamland
but
what i keep thinking
seems a little silly

regardless
i'll tell you
you can laugh at me

i imagine
we're lightly oiled up
just enough so we slip and slide against each other
not enough that we're gloopy or uncomfortable
and then we roll and spin against each other
and
i tried to work out
how
exactly
that works
and it came to me
we're in space
and we are in a chamber
which can have whatever holographic projections we'd like
it is a pleasuredrome room
or the wall coverings can slide back
and we can see
space
the chamber is a comfortable temperature
and
it can have whatever noises or music we'd like

but we're weightless
and spinning and floating
slipping and sliding against one another

unless we get tired of that
then we can just hit a panel on the wall
and program up
literally any environment imaginable

it's pretty tactile this one
i want to feel you
with no particular outcome in mind



i love you sweetness

i dreamed we were in a mall

when you see malls in movies
is that Beverly center
I think it was that one
but
big and shiny with glass
and fancy shops
we were just
kinda
playing
and, I think, we had the kid with us
which makes me a little nervous
like maybe she's off limits to me
maybe I'm crossing a line
I shouldn't cross
by having her there
maybe I owe Debbie heather an apology
but
I can't help what I dream
so
maybe you're feeling playful
can we get cinnabuns


I love you

i've thought i felt you several times today

i hope everything was great
at the thing

if you need
to just let go of
whatever
i'm here
i will hold you tight


contrariwise
if things are good
and you're high on your genius
we could mess around

how is it possible
that it is still so cold where you are
I mean
I'm not stupid
I know how it's possible
but
it's hard for me to conceptualize


I guess the joke will be on me
when summer starts here
in a few days
but still
damn

i gotta go to sleep

i love you


sweetheart

meet me in dreamland
let's do something
totally impossible
like fly

or we could just hang out on the porch
with the warm evening breeze
and lightning bugs
and
maybe drink some red wine
and
amazing music playing on the radio
and talk about
stuff you liked to do when you were a kid
or
whatever's on your mind
that you'd like
to talk about

or
we could just be still
maybe there's a porch swing
i kinda always wanted one of those

and we look out over the lake
and a really big fish jumps and splashes

2 hours of sleep
is not enough
I'm all sweaty
and draggin myself around-y
oh
super thirsty too


but
I'm so excited about those paints
squeeee

i wonder if this counts as a manic episode

i stayed up late
really really late
i'm gonna get 2 hours of sleep
and i spent a bunch of money i really cant afford to spend
probably
on paints
i'm hoping they are the 12 perfect colors
but
probably i should have a cobalt-ish blue
and
i'm not mad for french vermillion
i'd rather have the rouge vermillion
but
i cannot mix oranges with a blue based red
also
watercolors are tricky
but
the tiny travel case
with 12 colors
it made me mad with the painting passion
and i've been missing painting
especially since
you've gotten really good
but
i tried and tried to talk myself out of it
so
that's why
i wonder if it counts as a manic episode

i guess i have to paint the oracle cards now
or
paint something, anyway

i love you sweetheart

well, the recorder let me down somewhat

blah blah technical difficulty excuses
missed roughly 15 minutes

were you listening
yes
what did i miss
he seemed to be just talking

oh well
i guess i heard most of it
36 minutes

going in later today
but
recording should be happening
I love you very much
and
you were in my dreams
when I woke up
they didn't make a lot of sense though
you had a pick-up truck
and we drove out to a nearly abandoned mall
some guy yelled at us
I got out of the truck
walked around
and threw something onto the roof
then I walked further around
and there was a public bathroom
I went in
then
maybe I became a different person
and began discussing
genetalia with one of my professors
specifically
hormonally enhanced clitori
and then
I told my professor
what a great feminist you were
then
I left the bathroom
you had come around the other side of the building
and I went with you
back to the truck
see
weird, huh
why can't I just dream about sex
like a normal person

i gotta be honest
i am having some trouble conceptualizing this
like the last one
i was thinking about projection
and the concept that emotions are flashed on the skin
as a form of non-verbal communication
and the waves came to me
and then
it just flowed from there

today i had a few thoughts

foods that would be nice to lick off
and i had some trouble with that

then i went to this flower nectar metaphor
and it didn't work for me
it just seemed phoney

so i went back to food

but by then i have this whole picture in my head
of a cabin in the woods
and the fire
and the kitchen
and the rain
and
superfood concoctions
that could be rubbed in
and smeared on
tasty
and good for both internal and external use
and oils
and massage
and the messiness
probably just need to do this all in the kitchen

but though this could be playful or erotic or both
it doesn't lend itself to the way i was writing
which is the way i like to write
and
i remembered today
that the english teacher who wanted me to switch to creative writing
back when i was in high school
she told me that my writing reminded her (or some of it, anyway)
of ovid
and i had forgotten that
that was cool

but there's no way to make this that
i feel like the cabin scene is pretty concrete

we've gone up to the cabin
and it starts to rain really hard
so we can't go out to the lake
we stay in

and we listen to the rain
and we're mixing up smoothie bowls
and there's cacao powder
and acai fruit powder
and bananas
and tiny droplets of honey
because honey is very sweet
but just a tiny taste of honey is delicious
plus
i'm thinking of the pairing in my mind
and buttery is the way i've always thought of it

maybe this is not poetic enough
but
for me
the fact that it's all concrete
and real
makes it more exciting
in a way
like
i've never done this whole food scene
it sounds fun

plus
in front of the fire
you smell like the desert breeze through the sage
and i'm thinking tequila
not anywhere that would burn or hurt
but that leaves a lot of skin in play

deep blue

i open my eyes
i have melted into the earth
or maybe i'm in a bed
i take a breath and look over at you
who smile at me
so maybe i'll melt again

your skin is moving
no, wait
it's an image
the ocean
is lapping across your chest
the clear blue sky across your face
and where, do you think, is the deep blue sea
i touch you
and you feel solid enough
but the call of the sea is stronger
and
i dive
i hear you calling me
but i've completely disappeared into your depths
i laugh and swim on
delighted that
if only i can learn to contain the sea as well as you
that story i always want to write about my body making pearls
changes from a bloody nightmare
into something
where you have to open me
an entirely other way

and it's so so blue
and quiet
and i want to keep on swimming
but
you reach in, pull me out
i start to cry

hush mermaid
licking my salty tears
and then we roll together
oscillating
in the moving non-movement of the wave
the physics of which was always just beyond my grasp

i love you you know, you say almost a whisper

like the ocean, i ask

if you like, but any force of nature will do

and with a wink
you became the wind

good morning sweethear

hope that made sense
I love you

sizzling rain

i keep picturing this landscape
but
it keeps kinda shifting on me
it's this desert scene where the land is yellow and the sky is pink
i've been thinking about it for like a week
it's like a color negative
where the color is all wrong
but
compelling
there's this swirl of magenta
the idea is
it's a psychedelic landscape
but not
like a retro 70s vibe
something almost futuristic
and
what does that even mean
usually when i think futuristic it's something from my childhood
but now the future seems less future-y
but then i think
well
the desert
does that seem friendly
or inhospitable
because what i'm going for is a romantic landscape
like the first time i drove through the cajon pass and was like
wait wait super deja vu magic landscape
because i had seen it in so many westerns

so then
it shifts
and it is a jungle
and all ayahuasca-y
and the plants are breathing and the stars are burning out from the sky
but
then there are snakes and bugs and danger pulsing from everywhere
and what i want
is not dangerous
it's not a place of fear
what it is chiefly
is amazingly beautiful
in an alien magical way

and
i can't quite get it to land
because that is what i want to see
this landscape of psychedelic beauty
and then
us

idk why it has to be psychedelic
but
for some reason it does
with this element of surreality
and i alway think of the scene from natural born killers
with the word projection
and the indian
like
it's otherworldly
psychic or something
but not evil or bad or anything like the
violence of that creation
but
a feeling of the communication of that
without any of the context of the movie

is any of this making sense

i think desert
because the american west
has the beauty and the scale
and those arizona sunsets are almost psychedelic
just all on their own

gravity plays tricks
flying through the air
landing in the spot where you were already standing
time-lapse days
and eternity in an hour-- waiting
and then you're there
and we dance
hurtling through time
catching fire
and
our ideas
spin out from us--  scattering
forming glittering realized objects
which we dance around
pick them up
create things from these totems

and
you kiss me
and then it shifts again

we are in a record store in dallas
and i kiss you
and everything spins
like in the movies when the camera pans around
and i see myself
like out of body
but i know that everything is going to be ok

but then we burst into flame
become the burning bush
i am that am
or something like that
and then there is a scholarly discussion
is the burning bush the same
as the other representations of god
or does this represent a trickster element
another god passing himself off as god
and
where does that come from
something i read
or saw
or listened to
that intrigued me
like the arc of the covenant in the desert being an alien machine
which created the mana
and those guys who tried to go in
and just kind of melted
were obliterated by the alien technology
and god's breath kissing everyone past present and future
on the mountain top on shavout

these things run through my mind
exist in the desert landscape, somehow
contained within the kiss, somehow
all the cross-section of thoughts
woven invisibly
motes of glitter
holding their place in the stillness

and then
swirling up up up
from the thickness of the torpor
head bursting through the surface, gasping raggedly for air
as you enter me
moving slowly
then desperate, frantic
you have to save me
and the alien beetles join and click
and open
becoming the kaleidoscope
clicking in my brain
while i hear the thunder of the horses
and

all is fire

how you doin today sweetheart

i'm very sleepy
laze around-y today
when i fall asleep in the chair
it kinda throws me off a little
and
like everyone i know is sleepy
maybe it's the time change
or extreme pollen overload
or the weather heating up
supposed to be high of 85 today

the piano
it takes me back
it's good and it's specifically you
even though it's different
if you know what i mean

i fell asleep in the chair again

i'd like to write you
lots of stuff
romantic
esoteric
but

i'm not coherent enough
to write that now
so
i'm gonna write
one of the first stories that came to mind
that i coulda written earlier
but
i wanted all that fancy stuff, ya know

ok
i'm not sure if i've told you any of this
i used to go to movies with my aunt joan and my cousin sunrise
and one of the movies we saw
was gremlins
which is not a very scary movie
but
there is a section where the gremlins
they ate too late
or got wet
or whatever it was
and they were evil gremlins
and they were loose in the house
and the mother was walking around with a big knife
and you know
they are going to jump out
or attack
or something
that is going to make me scream
and my pulse is racing

and i turned to my aunt
and said
you know i don't do well with this sort of stuff
i'm going to go out in the lobby
until this part is over
this is too much for me

and that was the first PG-13 movie
they added a new special category
because it was too intense and they needed an advisory
that children might not be able to handle it
i mean, after the fact
just added it on

now gremlins came out in 1984
the year i graduated from high school
i was seventeen years old
and i hadn't been a virgin for almost a year
sunrise was twelve and a half
she was fine
and
of course
they thought
my "PG-13 incident"
was like the funniest shit ever

what do i know about st. patrick's day

not much
everybody drinks
green beer and such
because they want to enjoy the
luck of the irish
which maybe i am
my grandmother's mother's maiden name was murphy
[at least i think that's the right person might be her father's mother's]

Borrowed from the Irish and Scottish, Murphy is the Anglicized form of the GaelicMurchadh (sea warrior). Murphy is the most common surname in Ireland.

st. patrick supposedly expelled the snakes from ireland
which i always took as metaphoric
and he used the shamrock
to teach the holy trinity

so
i mean
i'm not about the christian thing
and this is a holiday i've never had any connection to
until that broadcast from the hotel with the murals of cats
that is literally what i think of when you say st. patrick's day
i would change it to
green day

in america
st. patrick's day is all tied up with leprechauns
which i also don't know much about
although i am intrigued by the representation
in american god's
like they were downgraded and downgraded
from something huge and frightening and powerful
to something tiny and merely tricky

but

st. patrick's day is kind of playful

in many places, i guess

but with the green theme pretty high up there

the stick that the recording is on

is green

and i'm going to try to get the st. patrick edition

also recorded

maybe on the same green stick

depends on how that works out

although i am kinda horrified

by the idea of dyeing the river green

it is a very cool way to celebrate green day

this one covers pinching

i pretty much never have worn green on st. patrick's day

mostly because i never wear green

now i have some green

so

i may wear green

although none of my green clothes are

strictly speaking clean

that may not stop me

we'll have to see how i feel in the morning 

finishing up my lunch 1/2 hour now

supposedly
it recorded fine
so hopefully
I'll hear it later
and it's on a stick
so
I won't have to see
if I can borrow an external drive
so
so far so good

when i went to bed last night

I got into bed
I called your name
a bunch of times
then I started that counting meditation thing
I've done since I was a kid
and
I mean
maybe I got to 3
and then my body was doing this twisting
cork screwing thing
that kind of threw me around
and then
you were completely inside me
not like
just your snake-y bits
I mean
you
were
occupying the same bodily space
as me
but
inside me
and
then
I thought
yeah
and then
I was out
and
I don't remember anything
until I woke up at 5 ish because
I had to pee
and I felt like I was apologizing
and I tried to go back after
but I don't think I could

i'm going to bed

meet me
where everything
is warm and slightly
psychedelic
I want to
have wild and crazy
astral plane relations
with you
stuff that isn't even really possible
with knowledge
and energy
and flesh
is all possible

also

want to continue the wildness?

i've been thinking about the idea to create an oracle deck

and
generally i like the idea
but
there are several ways i could go about it
now
i would tend to want to paint the images
but
that would take some time
and
if the idea is to get a deck to use it
then spending a year developing it might not be the best use of time
so
i could do a deck with images
like the ones i did for my highway visions series
except
i don't think i have that software anymore
and most of my images are on my phone
which isn't high enough resolution
to create images like that
or
i could use all sorts of images
from whereever
just as long as i connected with them
to have a rough copy to play with
and
when i've got it all nailed down where it works
and i know which images i need
i could worry about designing images or whatever
because i do think
ultimately
i would like the images to be more like the highway visions images
maybe, or maybe not

i started thinking about the things i'd use
and
i'm not sure it would be something
that would ever be marketable to others
because none of these things
have the same symbolism for others


also
i wanted to post you more videos
but there aren't any more
seriously
the other girls aren't the right feeling
i looked through dozens
last night

today has been a strange day
i'm unable to explain myself
with regards to that
it has just been strange

how many cards are optimal for an oracle deck
do you think
because i could probably think of over a hundred
easily
but i think that's too many

well, i might have a plan

I have somebody
I'm going to try to get
to record it for me
if that works out
I might be able to hear it
otherwise not

well, when i woke up

I was dreaming about
a parking lot
that was a dug up
completely mud
however
I'm pretty sure
there was more to the night
than that
because I had to kinda
finish
although
I don't feel
completely finished
I feel like
I could go another round
felt my heart
in a strange way
like it was gonna jump through
my chest wall
not sure
if that's all magical
or a sign that I should start taking
the nattokinase again
seems fine now


more please

ok, i really stayed up later than i should have

so i'm going to bed now
but
i'm a little wound up
so
in dreamland
maybe
something wild

awesome

that was amazing
so glad i was able to be there


i've got some errands i have to do
but
i'll have something for you
later

goodnight sweetheart

that was a typo this morning
btw, not some brilliant thing, the sweethear
i like it though
i might manage to work it into something
but
i just noticed it
so i haven't got anything now

it's also rodeo time
do you know
i haven't been to the rodeo since i was a teenager
and, really
if you're not counting the carnival
but just the rodeo
a very young teenager

i don't think it's going on for much longer
and i have a mild desire to go
but
idk
there are lots of people
i really really hate crowds of people
and
i doesn't seem like it'd be fun alone

most things i like to go alone
but
i'm probably not going to be able to drag myself


i was thinking today
about an imaginary trip we could take
they have a big balloon festival in new mexico, don't they
well
i was imagining us going to the balloon festival
i've never been
maybe you have, idk
i have always wanted to go to one
but
it would remind me of my dad
he loved them
i think he went there on one of his trips
when he was crazier
the pendulum was telling him which way to go
(full disclosure, i have a pendulum
but i never inhaled
i mean
i don't really use it--
well, every once in a while i pick it up
it tells me somethin i don't want to hear
i put it back down--
but it is in my bathroom right now)
he also thought he could run the car with mental energy

and he called me one night late
when i was twenty something
and said he didn't have any money
well, he did
but he couldn't get it till the bank opened in the morning
and could i wire him some
and i was like
i don't have any money either
and he's like
don't you have like $3000 of savings
and i was like
yeah, before i started college i did
but i've been spending it on college
and he's like
well can't you get money from your mom
and i was like no, not really
and, besides
it's only a few hours until morning
i don't understand
i think, as it turned out
he was in vegas
anyway
he got me all agitated
and i'm like
look, i'm worried now
can you just call me in the morning and let me know you're ok
and, i mean, this is before cell phones
i didn't have a contact number for him
and
i didn't hear from him for 8 years
except maybe he sent a post card at some point
my mom brought me a card
it didn't have his name on it
and she didn't know when she got it
it had been in a box of mail for who knows how long
it just said:

i'm ok


i'm pretty sure that's a story
i haven't told you

i probably wouldn't go to a balloon festival alone
but
i think if we were we
we'd have fun
and that's what i was thinking about
you and me
standing out in a big field
(do you call it a field if it's desert-y
or does it become like a playa or something)
looking up in the sky
at all the colorful balloons
and having a thing
about balloons that was just ours

hey, question

ya know how
if your hands itch
your supposed to get money
and
if your feet itch
your supposed to go on a journey
well
what does it mean
if your breasts itch


cause they itch
and
I'm not wearing a new bra
I didn't use new soap
I didn't eat popcorn
and drop it down my bra
(which I invariably do)
I used woman cream on em
this morning
so they aren't dry
but
they are itchy


?

hi

I want to hug you
I'm all weird today
hope weird is distracting
cause
it's prolly not charming
I love you
and
I will totally shave my armpit for you
in case that was a concern

good morning sweethear

I can't remember my dreams
but
I was super comfortable
and did not want to get up
then I was super dis oriented
like I was travelling between dimensions


I used to get that all the time
like every day when I was a kid
and
that's what I always thought
that I just went really far
and there was something like jet lag
when I got back


I hope you're maintaining you're spirits
I'm trying to help with that
but
I think I let a sort of sad element
into what I wrote last night
and
I wanted to just say
that's not related to current events
and I'm sure you know
I've been a little depressed
for a while now
it's a good thing the progesterone's working
like a champ
or
you might be getting posts
which only said
good morning
and
good night
and
I feel like you need more from me that that


I'm still doing the sigil thing
and I'm still praying
but it's more like
come on god please
followed by talk about healing
which varies


I love you
more later

goodnight sweetheart

i didn't come up with a story
or a poem
and
even though i slept late
i'm going to bed soon
i am very tired
i'm going to try to have dreams to tell you about

good morning sweetheart

I'm just up a few minutes
I fell asleep in the chair again
daylight savings time
it makes no sense to me
although
I do like it being light
at 9pm
and that's a direct result of dst
so
I guess I have mixed feelings about it


I'm gonna brush my teeth
and make coffee


but
I'm trying to think
of something you'll enjoy
a story
or poem
something


idk
coffee before thinking


I love you
more later

i'm just talking to you tonight

maybe you're already asleep
but i'm up
so i'll talk
you'll see it whenever, ya know

the immediacy has passed
i'm not sure what to do
i don't want to be
pushing you
or giving you advice
but
i feel a deep pull to nurture you
and i'm not sure how to achieve that

you are far away
and that makes everything

i can't think of a word

i want to
so many things

but
you have people there who love you
and this is usually hard
but
i just want to worry closer
rather than further away

i wish that you could tell me what you need from me
to be distracting
or tell you things
because
sometimes
i don't really know
if i were actually with you
i feel like i could read your clues or your energy


i don't know if i've ever told you
probably not
but that is one of my greatest fears
what happened to you
i've been mortally terribly afraid
and
now
i wonder if that had a significance
somehow
and
i've been playing it out in my head
and
i can't imagine how you didn't lose your mind
and i want so bad
for it not to have happened
even if it all comes out ok in the end
even if you learn some important lesson
like how much you're loved
i want to fly like superman and turn the world backward
make time go back
so it's just normal and boring

i want that so so bad

but
i'm not superman

i'm so proud of you
just for not losing your mind
nevermind the other stuff
i'm impressed with that

there's an adventure ahead
with challenges
and you can do that
you're the hero
and that kid is all the princess anybody needs
she adores you

i'm here
i'm not going anywhere
i love you

i love you

I hope you've been able to decompress
I imagine you're exhausted
and
maybe energized too
but
extra sleep is great for healing
sleep, not just rest
would be my advice
for which, you have not asked
but
pretty please
as much sleep as you can make yourself do

I did try
to think of a snappy title
something that would
make you smile
but
nothing felt right


I'm sending
a lot of energy
I know you got stuff going on
and you may not feel it
but
it's pretty intense
and
I don't want to say
I'm praying
because
I don't like how that sounds
but
there's talking to god
for sure


I keep trying to think
of that Italian phrase
from QS
it's just on the tip of my brain
but
I can't quite pull it up
might not be 100% appropriate anyway


I love you

no clever title, but a hug whenever you need one

I woke up
with my arms wrapped around myself
feeling like
we had held each other
in the dream dimension




I love you

i'm feeling kinda odd

like
sometimes blah
very flat affect
and
sometimes
like
maybe I'm in an alternate dimension
or reality
like
Monday
it seemed almost like I'd never been here before
at work, I mean
not really
I recognized it
but
it was like it was not a place
I go
ya know


last night
I had this whole fantasy
I'm an old woman
like I think I was 71
and I have this farm/ranch
type thing
and i have goats and chickens
and bees
and I've found a way
yo get the bees to make honey
with marijuana
and
I've got
like an attractive ranch hand
who
strangely
finds me attractive
and
rubs my back
and sleeps with me sometimes
even though he's
like
young
and
I was trying to figure it out
but
it seemed a little
ungrateful
so
I just went with it

I dreamed I lived in Marfa
only
it didn't really seem like the real Marfa
but anyway
I was a teenager
in high school
and I had two papers due
and a final
this week
the final was on modern literature
so like swift, and like that
Voltaire
nothing modern
and I can't remember
if that's the way they do it in literature
but
that is the way they do it in philosophy
modern philosophy
is like
Kant, and Leibniz, and Spinoza
Decarte
like that


and
in the dream
I had a boyfriend
and I asked him if he had read everything
and he said yes
but
he had the comic books on order


what do you think that means

i love you

I hope you're doing well
I'm going to take a bath
but
I'm thinking about you
I hope
wonderous things
for you today

4:44

I woke up in the night
to pee
so
when I came back to bed
before I got in bed
I checked my phone
like I always do
just to see
like
how much longer I have
to sleep
and
it
was
4:44


I don't know
but
I find this
kind of exciting

so
someone I used to know
who I don't know really
anymore
is following me on instagram
I didn't give her my name
but
I guess she was interested
I feel weird about it
like I probably should follow back
but
it's really meant to be private
which of course it isn't
but
it kind of is
because no one knows me
I don't really want her to follow me
cause we have that history
but
I think she turned off facebook
whatever
she's married
I haven't seen her in person for over 10 years
I'm not trying to rekindle anything
just so we're clear
but
it is unfortunate
that social media is so social

last night
I dreamed
I was writing a paper
on the philosophical elements
of
some writer
I can't remember who
and maybe it wasn't a real life person
maybe it was someone from
the dream universe


also
there was something
about credentials
and open living spaces
and
I scratched some car
that was so jacked up
that I was gonna have to look at my car
to determine what damage was likely


also
I was starting a jewelry business
entering my order
for silver charms
into some machine
that gave me an old school slick paper fax
for my receipt


don't know what any of that means


hope you have a good day
I love you

I dreamed
I was in the early sixties
in some downtown neighborhood
in a big city
maybe Chicago
and I was trying to do something
but
I can't remember what
I just know
there was a pizza place
and finding it
seemed like it was going to be very useful
somehow
I think there was a diner too
it seemed more like a coffee shop
but
early sixties
had to have been diner
everything was sorta black and white
and
all the shop people seemed like
older white men
in midtoned pants and white button up shirts
but
still
it was some kind of adventure

she's never gonna know
how mad I am at her
I feel to bad for how damaged she is
to be mean to her

perhaps the reason why that situation at work
raised my blood pressure so much
was because
apparently
I was premenstrual
regardless
I'm bleeding now
that's probably why I was sick yesterday
the hormones
they seem to make me
dizzy
and nauseated
which seems
like something else
I really really hate this
I really really hate this
but
now I have to
go be nice to people
I don't want to be nice to people
I want to go back to bed
until I feel normal again

I didn't go to work yesterday
because I felt like
I was getting sick
and I thought it'd be better
to take it easy
but
I guess I'm going today
I still don't feel good


but
I had the most
amazing dream
if I can figure out
hoe to describe it
it's a story
like not even about me
but
it's pretty complicated
I'm not sure I can describe it

armpits

ok
i read this:
women who dye their armpits

and
i kinda love it

let me start by saying
i do not shave my armpits
not regularly
sometimes i do
if they bother me for any reason
which is roughly
twice a year

the hair is blonde
and not all that noticable
but
i
like
armpit hair

i like body hair generally


i used to work with this girl
who, i'm pretty sure was trans
she made me uncomfortable
reminded me of my step-father
and she thought she was very funny
she told the stupidest jokes
and
i don't laugh at stuff i don't think is funny
but
she'd just keep tellin me jokes
and
i'd just keep not laughing

you have no sense of humor at all
she'd tell me
no, you're wrong
i have an excellent sense of humor

i was not nice to her
she irritated the piss out of me
and
since i know
that often psychologically
people who rub you the wrong way like that
it's because they have shadow traits you don't want to admit
i was constantly analyzing myself to find things about her
that might be shadow traits
finally i gave myself a break

she's rude
she's lazy
she's mean to people you like
she gives horrible customer service
she insinuates herself into private conversations
she won't stop telling me jokes
she won't stop acting like we are sort of friends
even though i've done nothing to encourage her
oh
and she keeps bringing up anal sex to me
yeah, i don't really like that, i say
oh, no, you should try it, she says
ok, look, i'm in my late forties and i'm not a virgin
i didn't say eeeewwww
i said i don't really like that
what part of that says
i haven't tried it

she just kept bring it up
some way or other
until i wanted to say:

yeah
i can see how if you don't have a snatch
that might be great and all
and to each his own
but
i'm telling ya right now bitch==back off
because if you bring it up again
i'm callin H.R.

but, i mean, i didn't

anyway
that was a super long windup
letting you know just how much i did not like her

she was surprised that i didn't wear sexy lingerie
she couldn't believe i wasn't into corseting
and then one day
i think she thought she had found the thing that was gonna finally bond us
she was going to tell me about her great discovery

she had found
and i can't remember the order
if you do a sugar scrub
and then a salt scrub
or the other way round
and then you shave your legs
you get a really really smooth leg

oh yeah, that's great
or something banal is what i say

but i'm thinkin
bitch
i don't shave my legs
what about me says to you
i am all about the sexy personal grooming
i'm not feeling my legs and saying
aaahhhh it's a lovely lady leg

i used to shave my legs
because i thought i had to
and i hated and resented it
and was all like
men don't have to shave their legs
and
on a pretty regular basis
i lopped off part of my ankle

when i discovered waxing
i thought i had died and gone to heaven

and then
i decided it was expensive
and unnecessary
and not without pain, afterall
and just said fuck it


when i used to travel to see you
at first
every single time
i got a pedicure
and i brought along surgi-cream
because i was gonna say
look
this is what i'm comfortable with
but
anything that freaks you out
i can remove right now

but
i probably stopped that
three or four years in
so
i guess
if it ever happens
you just get what you get

and
that might include bright pink pits


[right
like i'd go to the effort to dye
my pits]

seriously
i might though

my poor cat

he doesn't know what to think of me
he wants patterns
he wants routines
I'm not real good at that stuff
because I don't really believe
in their value
I mean
if I have to be at work at the same time every day
then, yeah
I'll get up at the same time
because it takes me a certain
amount of time
to get ready


but
as an example
I can remember in high school
somebody asked me
what order I wash in the shower
and I didn't understand their question


well, like what do you wash first
I was stumped
and I tried to notice
and it's not the same


now
driving places
I have favorite ways to go
and those are about as close as I come
I guess, to routines
but
sometimes I have a premonition
and I go a different way
and sometimes
especially on the way home
I forget to turn
I get distracted
and then my 20 minute shortcut
turns into 45minute drive home
the 2.5 miles
faster to walk, really


but
this week
he's doing the cat version
of throwing up his hands
in exasperated disbelief
I don't remember what was weird about Sunday and Monday, but yesterday
there was no hot water
just inexplicably
the complex office wasn't open yet
and besides, it's not like they drop everything and run over to fix my issue
but
it was still cold enough
that a cold shower was out of the question
so rather that getting in the shower like i was supposed to
I went to the kitchen
put water in the electric kettle to heat
got a big bowl
got the lavender dr bonners soap that I keep under the sink for washing makeup brushes
grabbed some washcloths
mixed up a large bowl of warm diluted soapy water


now it had to be pretty diluted
because soap doesn't wash easily off my skin
and if any is left on
it sets super super irritated
but, I know from experience
that if I use baby wipes
I will not feel clean
and it will distract me all day
not that I'm a clean freak


the wipes just don't work for me
I often don't use soap at all in the shower
I probably am a hippie
but I'm serious about the soap not washing off thing


anyway
pits, breasts, and groin
that's what I washed
and then
clean water washcloths multiple times
seems like it shoulda been fast
but it took a lot longer than the shower
plus
I was standing naked in the kitchen
which I rarely do
kitty was fascinated


now
today is a day off
but I got up at 7
even though I didn't go to bed until 2:30
because I needed to put out the trash
I didn't want to have to carry it down
and i wanted to clean out the fridge for that
mostly I don't bother
because you can't put it out at night
and they pick it up at 8
and they only do it once a week
and I'm right at the beginning
so I might get up
and it's 8
but they started early
so whatever


I was going to go back to sleep
but then I felt very awake
and I didn't


but I still might
also
hot water inadvertently back
so hot shower probably in order
I have a bunch of chores
that I didn't do on Sunday
because of arctic weather
grocery
laundry
cleaning out the fridge made some extra dishes to wash
all very glamorous


the poor cat
he's so traumatized
or bored
he's taken himself off somewhere

i woke up at like 4 in the morning

I thought it was my first alarm
but that wasn't until 5:45
and although I did pee
it wasn't like critical enough to wake me
but what I'd been dreaming


it was like Hawaii
or someplace beautiful
and tropical like that
and
it was raining
light rain
beautiful
and
you had your shirt off
and
maybe they were filming it
or maybe it was just meant for me
but
you were doin these moves
kinda like boxing
but slower
and
kinda sexy-like

oh yeah, i almost forgot

what's your favorite color?

ok. so why is judy blume everywhere?

I know she's turning 80
and i guess that's cool
also
she has one of those master classes
good for her, absolutely
but
Amanda Palmer is all
blowing her up
tagging everyone who is anyone
oh, and female
I guess that doesn't just go without saying
to talk about Judy Blume's influence on them


ok
I'll have to give it some thought
but
even though I read jb I'm pretty sure
she didn't have any influence on me at all
now
our bodies ourselves
by the Boston women's health collective
them, yes
jb, not so much
does this count as
some way that I'm not right
should she have been a big influence
i thought I had grown through
the point where I had to feel
like I was not quite right
because I didn't really relate
to what all girls relate to


it's ironic
because I don't get that
girl insecurity
am I good enough am I smart enough
do gosh darn it people like me


but
I do get insecure
that maybe
my lack of these really irritating
feelings
maybe I'm not enough of a girl
maybe I'm not REALLY a girl
because then
I should feel
bad about myself
and
I don't think I do
or have
although people have called me
insecure
but
I just don't identify


and
I'm all defensive about it


so
confuding

i just gotta get through today

I'm gonna be saying that
all week though
maybe I will get sick
maybe I will not
but
I'm not expecting work
to be especially enjoyable
because of shit
that's going down


did the oil pulling again
I'm gonna keep doing that
for a while
it does seem to make a difference
it's supposed to be good
for your teeth
and whiten them
although
sesame oil
which is traditional in India
makes more sense to me
because it's high in calcium
but
that may not be why they use it


anyway
have a good day

goodnight sweetheart

i had a very strange collection of dreams

weird individually
weird collectively
but not good
unpleasant
unsettling
and
hot
and waking up with leg cramps
I do not feel well
I still don't feel sick
but
even less well
yuck

goodnight sweetheart

i'm going to bed now

i hope you are feeling better

I don't feel sick at all
but
I just fell asked in my chair
I feel
sorta run down
and
very very tired
I am gonna have to go to bed early
because
they are still getting sick at work
I can't afford to be run down

so

I'm finding
there is a whole
other group
of books


more later
on exigence

so, somehow in the course of hours looking through books and lists of books, reviews of books

it somehow shifted from a strictly scientific study
of atmospheric science
to a more interdisciplinary examination
of the anthrocene
and
while i am still super excited
about the comparison of planetary atmospheres
and the carbon cycle
the atmospheric science text book
it might end up being more of a reference book
where i read some sections and don't read others
also
somewhere there was a book
talking about the culture of the anthrocene
that might or might not be good
i didn't get to read excerpts before i lost it somewhere down the rabbit hole

idk

this might turn into something else

more books i want

the cryosphere

an introduction to atmospheric chemistry

National Audubon Society Field Guide to Weather: North America

earth system science

laws of thermodynamics

gravity

Facing Gaia: Eight Lectures on the New Climatic Regime
Anthropocene or Capitalocene?: Nature, History, and the Crisis of Capitalism

Hyperobjects: Philosophy and Ecology after the End of the World (Posthumanities)

Facing Gaia: Eight Lectures on the New Climatic Regime

A Perfect Moral Storm: The Ethical Tragedy of Climate Change (Environmental Ethics and Science Policy Series)

Dark Ecology: For a Logic of Future Coexistence (The Wellek Library Lectures)

Staying with the Trouble: Making Kin in the Chthulucene (Experimental Futures)

there are some other books I want
but those will get me started
mornin sweets

oops, i should read my phone better, it's tomorrow, of course, oh well

it's groundhog's day

which makes me think of the movie
groundhog's day
which
always makes me think
of Nietzsche's eternal recurrence theory


is groundhog's day
a strictly American holiday
it seems like it
like
the largest ball of twine roadside attraction
only
in holiday form
because it's not like
go outside where you are
and look for a groundhog
is it
it's just that one ceremonial groundhog, right


anyway
have a good one
hope you don't get six more weeks of winter
but
hope that I do
or else
that spring is longer than the three weeks it sometimes is
but
the weather was mood alteringly beautiful yesterday
and maybe it will be today


bring it on Phil
bring it on

goodnight sweetheart

so, college 3

what i had wanted to do
was go to bennington
or
well's
or
mill's
or later
UC santa cruz

but the idea i had in my mind
clear as day
was that what i needed
was an experimental school that didn't have grades

i felt like the schools that had the
you work out a contract with your professor
at the beginning of the semester
to decide what you each expect
and then your success is measured by that contract
seemed like it was what i needed

both because i felt like
i wouldn't do my best work if i was graded
i would work FOR the grade
maybe do something easier
maybe pander to the professor
i'm not sure of all the reasoning now
i just felt the desire to get an A
was somehow going to keep me from reaching my potential

also
i felt like the process of having to
work out a plan
would really really help me
in the creative process
although
i guess
not everything was going to be a creative process
history class is not a creative process

but
i think
i was right
i needed focus
and i needed to learn to be self generating

so college: 2

my first semester
i didn't tell you
i took
cultural anthropology
intro to theater (like appreciation, it didn't count for theater majors)
and ethics

i tried to remember what order i took everything
but i couldn't

i might be able to remember everything i took, maybe, maybe
but definitely not the order in which i took them

i took freshman english part two the research paper
which was so so fun
i learned how to use that library
and we were supposed to do our paper on
what critics had said about a film that came out in 1982
so, i mean, fuck, i did blade runner
it was really supposed to be like generally they liked it or not
but
i
couldn't
i dug up every sight and sound article
and i wrote this
although the director took liberties with the book
do androids dream of electric sheep
he created a world which was recognizable as phillip k. dick
we had been specifically admonished not to analyze the film
so "i" did not
but there was a fuck ton of analysis going on
fun fun times

i was in mass media and society
the semester the space shuttle blew up
i think i told you that
and german classes when the wall came down
i'm sure i told you that

i took american women's history
and chicano history to 1910 for my U.S. history requirements

i took geology and oceanography for my science

but the ones that got away
the classes that i always wanted to take
they were each only offered every few years
and always at a time when something i really needed was offered

history of religion in america
and
atmospheric science
i pine for atmospheric science, still

ANTH:  cultural anthropology & anthropology of women

PHIL:  intro to ethics;  metaphysics;  political philosophy; philosophy of science;  images of madness in art and philosophy;  logic 1&2; history of modern philosophy;  history of 19th century philosophy;  history of 20th century philosophy;  philosophy of women

PSYCH:  intro to psych;  social psych, human sexuality;  cognitive psych; research methods in psych; emotion and motivation;  child development;  personality psych;  psych of women;  the individual in society (team taught with POLS/knowledge integration thingy)

German Film Classes:  images of fascism in german cinema;  contemporary images of fascism in german cinema;  silent german cinema;  avant guarde german cinema;  women in german cinema;  fassbinder;  i feel like there was one more but i can't remember

GERM:  1501/1502 intro to german language (with language lab);  intermediate german 2 semesters;
german literature 2 semesters? not positive might only have been 1;  1 4000 level german with peter pfeiffer it was kinda literature reading and writing but i don't remember what it was called

i took golf and bowling for my p.e. credits

i also took sociology, drugs and urban policing, i took geography but i may have dropped it before completion that was the semester i had my wisdom teeth removed and he was kind of a half of you will fail guy (bad attitude) but super interesting i don't remember taking a final

i took college algebra, was failing, had to drop
i was kinda pissed because testing had placed me there
so i took remedial math and got 100s on all the tests
which made me madder because clearly this was not what i needed
but maybe it was
because then i retook college algebra and i was making a solid B-
but then, when it was time for the final
he had to i.d. everyone and there were 300 people in the class
and that cut 40 minutes off my time
and freaked me out
so i didn't do that well on the final
ended up with a C+
the lowest grade i got in college

i still, only every once in a while, admonish myself
if only you had been smart enough to take college algebra at HCC and transfer it in
then you coulda been suma instead of magna
but
what difference does it really make
i can;t do math

i also took music appreciation
and i really think i took some Poli Sci but i can't remember
yeah i was in something for the 88 election
and i'm sure i'm forgetting some other stuff

oh yeah

painting 1&2 and jewelry making


but see
it's not working towards a job
it's just education for learning sake
just exploring
and
i don't know if i could do it anymore
or if i'd like it now
but i miss it
kinda

and i feel sorry for the people who started at "good" schools
and couldn't learn enough at UH to make themselves happy

starting another one

so, college: 1

i know i've told you about college
but i don't remember what i've told you, exactly
so i may overlap a bit

when i applied
i applied as a political science major
because i thought i was going to be an activist
or a politician
believe it or not
but then
when i actually started
i registered as undeclared
because i couldn't commit to poli sci
and
besides
all the stuff i wanted to take was non poli sci

what my conversation the other day brought home
is that most people start out with pre-requisites

i smooth ignored it
i skipped right over the stuff that said if you didn't take x,y,z first
your class may not count

also
i knew i didn't want to take the cattle classes
so i sought out a list of alternate 3000 and 4000 level classes
which could be subbed for those cattle classes

i looked through the schedule
found things that interested me
went to the book store to see what the assigned reading was
see if it looked interesting

the first day of class was the professor's audition
if i like them
their syllabus
their attitude
i stayed
if i didn't like it
i went and switched the class

i had taken AP english
and the AP test
so i placed out of one semester of sophomore english
i had taken the achievement test so i placed out of one semester of freshman
i tried unsuccessfully to explain that
if i had placed out of any sophomore english
i shouldn't have to take any freshman
but they required one semester of each
but i think i took a couple years to get around to the freshman
possibly i took it before the 3000 level creative writing class
but i'm not sure of that
i know i didn't take my sophomore english until almost graduation

i had tried to take intro to modern literature
with some professor who was suppose to be hot shit
but the problem is
at UH if you're in a cattle class it's teaching assistants
and i was not ok with how that went down
and the prof wasn't good enough for that

i wrote a paper
not a big paper
just an assignment
on a walt whitman poem, i think
and this dude gives me a D
now
i have never gotten a D on any written work
and then he says
you have no understanding of rhetoric
i was a philosophy major by this time
like, seriously
is it just that you can only recognize a five paragraph theme?
this guy was obviously not smart enough to teach me

but
it worked out for the best
because i discovered summer session
at a point when i was working for my mom and had a little more flexibility
with my hours
i could work open till close on friday, saturday, sunday
and devote monday thru thursday from early morning until whenever to school
there was a professor
who, turned out, was retiring
this was his last semester
the class was intro to drama
but in the book store
the text was major works of shakespeare
ok, i though, i'm in
he was teaching both classes with the same text
and same class really
i took the class in the morning
i went to the library
read the plays
watched the royal shakespeare company productions
in the film lab
drank coffee from the vending machine with those dunkin stix donuts
also from the vending machine
it was all awesome


i got off on a tangent
an this is kinda long so i'm starting another

I was telling someone about
my college experience
the other day
they had dropped out of UH
after going to a "good" school
the first year
and it ruined em
but
I hadn't really thought about how
different than average
my experience was
and
I mean
I had wanted to go to Bennington
and become a writer
but I didn't even apply
because it was the most expensive college
at that point
$15,000 a year
I looked
now its $66,000 a year
I think that's with room and board
and the 15 wasn't
but still
when I started at UH
it was $18 a semester hour
and I think I did ok
I'll tell you about
my college later

morning
have a good day today
and up the vitamin C