well, it got late again

i have to go to bed
but
i had some thoughts today
about things
i want to be sure you know about me

i'm afraid you might think that i'm a republican
or
maybe a republican sympathizer
because
i think i may have said i'm independent
and i've recently found out that that's code for republican

i was raised by my grandmother
who wasn't sure that it was entirely appropriate
for me to take dance class from lane conway
since she had the habit
of putting republican candidate signs in her yard

she was
i'd have to lovingly describe her as a yellow dog democrat
you know what that is, right

and
i can still remember a passionate argument
i had with my mother
when i found out she was republican
(she voted hilary)
explaining to her
that she wasn't rich
although this was 1980 and she had had her own business for a while
maybe the republicans had a better tax plan for her
i couldn't wrap my head around that

the very first election i ever voted in
was in 1985
i was sure of that, except it doesn't seem like it adds up
i had just turned 18 and was legal to vote
but there wouldn't have been a primary election in 1985
so, i don't know what to tell ya
i'm sure it happened that way
and
who i voted for
was jesse jackson

i used to get those cards
later, when i was in college
from the gay political caucus -- gpc
because there was one fucking letter back then
that's how fucking old i am
and i would use those cards to help me vote
until one time there was a liberal republican on the card
and i agonized
back and forth, back and forth
until finally
i punched the hole next to the guy's name
and
i'm still not sure like 30 years later that it was the right decision
that is literally the only time i've done that
voted republican

however
somewhere along the line
i started disliking the democrats
so
i don't really consider myself one of those either
so i call myself an independent
because i thought words sometimes mean what they mean
and
i shoulda known better

i was very excited when i heard about the green party
maybe it wasn't exactly when they started
but
pretty soon after, i think
and
i wouldn't mind to call myself one of those
except it hasn't worked out so well
i'm occasionally excited by some other third party candidate
but, well, ditto

i usually vote democrat
truth be told
because i'm usually trying to keep some republican
from getting elected


another thing i think you think about me
is that i'm all freaky and s&m-y, sexually
let me disabuse you of this belief

i used to have an interest in s&m
not the same thing, really
as being a practitioner
i have never been in any relationship that was based on roles
really any kind of roles
but much less power roles, as such
the thing i primarily admire in the s&m model
is the idea of discussing the rules and working out things like safe words
ahead of time
openly
rather than, say
refusing to aknowledge
what is going on and where you want it to go
so that it is impossible to make informed decisions
and everything is just whatever
which
i think
is why you continued to hear about s&m
and stuff like that throughout the course of the last ten-ish years

i will admit
i have engaged in some activities
that might overlap with s&m
but
i think they would be more rightly described as rough
or pain inducung

candle wax
cigarette burns
mild strangulation
as examples

but never as a submissive as such
i would say
i've never been much about submission
and
if i was going to be in a power based relationship
which i most emphatically would not
then
i would be the dom not the sub
and that
would more closely mirror
the kind of more of a top relationship
that i have had
with all the actually quite shockingly low number of partners i've had
except for robert
who was definitely the top
although not in the way i was a top

he was a top in a very "male" way
and i use it in quotes because i'm not saying that men are "like that"
although sometimes they are
very self motivated and take-y
i was a top more in the way that
one takes pleasure from giving pleasure than receiving it
at least
mostly like that
although
in the end
when i was imagining you
probably, realistically
i was mostly focused on my orgasms
and
i find
i'm not really ashamed of that either


so
maybe
keep in mind
i've had three long-term sexual relationships

two one-night stand type situations
one of which
might not count
depending on your criteria for sex

and five more that include friends
with whom i had on-going relationships
but very brief sexual encounters
which in all but one case
included an extended
romantic but non-sexual relationship

so ten

two women
eight men

three of the men
what we did
did not include intercourse

six of the men was only a one time thing
whatever that thing was

nicole
was twice

i'm 51 years old
so
you tell me
am i experienced?