armpits

ok
i read this:
women who dye their armpits

and
i kinda love it

let me start by saying
i do not shave my armpits
not regularly
sometimes i do
if they bother me for any reason
which is roughly
twice a year

the hair is blonde
and not all that noticable
but
i
like
armpit hair

i like body hair generally


i used to work with this girl
who, i'm pretty sure was trans
she made me uncomfortable
reminded me of my step-father
and she thought she was very funny
she told the stupidest jokes
and
i don't laugh at stuff i don't think is funny
but
she'd just keep tellin me jokes
and
i'd just keep not laughing

you have no sense of humor at all
she'd tell me
no, you're wrong
i have an excellent sense of humor

i was not nice to her
she irritated the piss out of me
and
since i know
that often psychologically
people who rub you the wrong way like that
it's because they have shadow traits you don't want to admit
i was constantly analyzing myself to find things about her
that might be shadow traits
finally i gave myself a break

she's rude
she's lazy
she's mean to people you like
she gives horrible customer service
she insinuates herself into private conversations
she won't stop telling me jokes
she won't stop acting like we are sort of friends
even though i've done nothing to encourage her
oh
and she keeps bringing up anal sex to me
yeah, i don't really like that, i say
oh, no, you should try it, she says
ok, look, i'm in my late forties and i'm not a virgin
i didn't say eeeewwww
i said i don't really like that
what part of that says
i haven't tried it

she just kept bring it up
some way or other
until i wanted to say:

yeah
i can see how if you don't have a snatch
that might be great and all
and to each his own
but
i'm telling ya right now bitch==back off
because if you bring it up again
i'm callin H.R.

but, i mean, i didn't

anyway
that was a super long windup
letting you know just how much i did not like her

she was surprised that i didn't wear sexy lingerie
she couldn't believe i wasn't into corseting
and then one day
i think she thought she had found the thing that was gonna finally bond us
she was going to tell me about her great discovery

she had found
and i can't remember the order
if you do a sugar scrub
and then a salt scrub
or the other way round
and then you shave your legs
you get a really really smooth leg

oh yeah, that's great
or something banal is what i say

but i'm thinkin
bitch
i don't shave my legs
what about me says to you
i am all about the sexy personal grooming
i'm not feeling my legs and saying
aaahhhh it's a lovely lady leg

i used to shave my legs
because i thought i had to
and i hated and resented it
and was all like
men don't have to shave their legs
and
on a pretty regular basis
i lopped off part of my ankle

when i discovered waxing
i thought i had died and gone to heaven

and then
i decided it was expensive
and unnecessary
and not without pain, afterall
and just said fuck it


when i used to travel to see you
at first
every single time
i got a pedicure
and i brought along surgi-cream
because i was gonna say
look
this is what i'm comfortable with
but
anything that freaks you out
i can remove right now

but
i probably stopped that
three or four years in
so
i guess
if it ever happens
you just get what you get

and
that might include bright pink pits


[right
like i'd go to the effort to dye
my pits]

seriously
i might though