a bunch of bits

when i went to sleep last night
i was pretty agitated
but when i woke up this morning
i felt like
you had
i'm not sure
did you talk to me
did you hold me
idk
but i felt better when i woke up

then
when i drove to work
two birds flew in front of my car
not quite close enough to make me think i was going to hit them
but definitely close enough to make me notice
these birds seemed like a couple
then
another set of birds flew by
these were not as close
and they were higher in the air
i was definitely in no danger of hitting them
bt these birds seemed like
they might have been chasing each other
like fighting but maybe not quite
but it didn't seem friendly

i use birds as a sign
quite a bit
and
they almost never fly in front of my car anymore

but i had begged for signs
the day before
and
i don't think god gave me any
or else i didn't see them
now
here was a sign twice
was it relevant that the relationship of the birds
seemed different


this morning
i looked on a shelf in my cabinet
and the lovers tarot
was in a different position than i remember leaving it
but it's been a while
and
i probably moved it the last time i was looking for something
but
it was in a weird position
on it's side
i can't recall ever setting a deck on it side
it was weird
(i said that) but it caught my attention
so i picked it up
and there was a ring that i haven't worn in forever
it's not like such a beautiful ring
but
it's hematite, which is very grounding
and sturdy
and it's a ring that fits my middle finger
most rings i have fit my ring finger
or pinky
but very few the middle finger
and
i don't feel like i can wear rings to work that are on my ring finger
because it's too easy for them to get knocked
and that finger is weak
on my left hand for sure
but even on the right
since i'm missing that tendon
and the top knuckle doesn't bend
i just don't like to mess up my system for lifting heavy stuff without damage
but
i figured
if it's gonna show me a ring i had forgotten about
that's grounding
when i kinda need extra grounding
then i'm wearing it
and i enjoyed it
i wish i could remember when and where i bought it
it's hand made for sure
and i probably got it at an art show or maybe the blue hand
but i must have had it at least twenty years
it really isn't my style at all now
and i figure there must a some message in the ring
and if i could remember details
they might be important to the message

i was big into hematite in the late eighties and early nineties
but then i kinda got over it
and i can't think why it would have been just loose in the cabinet
unless my mom brought it to me in with stuff she found
which is totally possible
although it is hand made
and i like that
it bothers me that it is kinda flat on one side and curved on the other
where they either flattened it or didn't flatten the other side
before they cast it
the asymmetry bothers me
i don't think that's the message


i don't think i told you about meeting red jasper
when i went on that trip
which i may not have told you about
it was the summer when i was eleven (i think)
i went to massachusetts with the woman who ran the weird school i went to
i didn't really want to go
because i thought the time with her would make school weird
which it did, i was right
but my mom made it clear that if i didn't go
i would never hear the end of it
it was good for me, mostly
but there was a point where i was on a rocky beach
which was new to me
i had only known sandy beaches
and
i picked up this red stone that was calling to me
and it was like it started singing to me
like it was connected to my soul
like we loved each other
but it was a rock
so that was a little odd
but
i mean i'd been talking to trees since i could walk outside and get to the tree
so not that weird
anyway
i found out later
it was red jasper
and i'm not sure why i didn't think it was just like that particular rock
like maybe it was like moana's rock
but, no
i assumed it was the whole red jasper family that had the relationship with me
although i'm not sure another one has sung to me
https://www.healingcrystals.com/Red_Jasper_Articles_90.html

i have always kinda wanted a red jasper ring
but i've not really ever found one
and
just the day before i was very drawn to a crocodile ring
and i'm like, crap, is that a new totem
what would that mean

also
about nirvana
those things those music theory type things
are exactly the things that most drew me innitially
that sound
so now i'm wondering
should i make an effort to learn music theory
because although i've learned the scales
i don't know any of the actual theory
and i always figured
well, that's maths honey
you probably can't learn it
but i'm kinda interested now


i feel like there was more

i'm going to bed now
you may be already awake
i love you sweetheart