Actually like it when my hair makes

I want to call it either

Arpeggios

Or archipelago

Although I'm sure neither of those words is used technically correctly there

I'm not even sure if they really work figuratively

But it doesn't scare me I like it

My eyes are looking a little wrinkly

I've been feeling really bad

In fact this morning I was tempted to use one of the covid tests just to see if maybe I wasn't sick sick

But I think it's just hormones

Well in psychological s*** I think too

I'm torn between wanting to get some sort of haircut where I have a lot of shaving on the back of my head

And not wanting to be bothered with all that

I mean if you get your head shaved you have to go back all the time and continue to get it shaved unless you can competently do it yourself

And I'm not sure that I could competently do myself what I want to have done

But mostly what I do with my hair is mostly what I've done with my hair for most of my life which is just pull it back until like a little bun type thing because it's just too much bother

For a few years I just wore it down because I felt like it was kind of a waste always have it pulled back but I just don't enjoy to have it down

And my realization that I just don't want to be bothered with my hair

As kind of gotten we over a lot of my unhappiness about how thin it has gotten

Because it really hasn't gotten anything thinner it's pretty much maintaining

When I was taking all the nettle for a while it filled back in along the hairline

And since I haven't been taking the nettle it's thinned out a little but I feel like it looks fine doesn't bother me

I really honestly think I look better with my hair pulled back than I look with it down

I don't know if that's something other people would agree with

But

Also

There's something about the way I look now that I like better

Then some point in the past

I'm not really sure

Maybe my nose is a little bit bigger

Maybe my nose is a little bit wider at the base or the tip or whatever you call it

I don't know there's some thing about my aging face that I like better than my younger face

It is not my under eye area I still am not crazy about that although that one side that just creases in and it's not really like a wrinkle it's like a crease and the only thing I can think is that's the side that's exposed when I drive so maybe it got more sun damage

I just don't know what else I can really attribute it to but it's like this crease and I don't like it but I don't hate it I'm like used to it it doesn't bother me too much

And the creepiness has gotten better with all the stuff I've used that skin is thickened up a little bit I think

Also I feel like the bags are better I mean some days they're not some days they're baggy but most days I feel like the bags are not too baggy

But there's this I don't know exactly what to call it where my under eye tear trough meets the top of my cheek and the skin is I don't know like slightly puckered is what I want to call it like like if it was fabric somebody like pulled the thread and it's not quite smooth I don't like that so much but I've noticed that when I'm wearing my glasses it's pretty much covered up

When we were moving one of the mover guys I said something to my mom she she was saying something that I felt like was stupid and I was like I'm 55 years old

You know like by which I mean I'm a grown adult human You don't need to tell me that

Which she never really gets when I say that

But the mover guy he looks at me and he's like you're 55 you don't look 55

And I'm like well thank you how did you think I was

And he's like well I thought you were like my age

And I'm like how old are you

And he's like 51

And I'm like well you know that's pretty close I am essentially your age

But I think that made him a little bit unhappy because I think he was thinking that 51 was a whole lot younger than 55

Which I found slightly humorous

It's all kind of arbitrary really

And I think people judge your age a lot more by how you act and how you dress and whatnot then what your face looks like

Because really unless you're pretty haggard mileage varies there are plenty of people that are 38 or 39 that probably look about as old as I do which is not to say they look good for 38 or 39 they look s***** for 38 or 39

But you know the amount of wrinkles people have varies

And it's interesting

There's this woman on YouTube she's got a channel called hot and flashy or something like that and I don't watch her off and on I don't watch her regularly cuz it's like a skincare channel and she's got a completely different kind of skin than I do so like when she recommends a product I know I'm not going to like it but if she doesn't like a product I don't know that I will like it so you know even though I really like her methodology it just doesn't help me

But she's been using tretinoin which is like Retin-A for I don't know like 8 years maybe

And she's you know done other stuff she's done Botox and fillers and all kind of different devices and whatnot she hasn't had like a facelift or anything

But like the retin-a or tretinoin or whatever it has had a impact on her skin so like she's less wrinkly and her skin tone is more even and blah blah blah you'd have to say her skin looks better but to me she doesn't look younger

Does that make any sense

This is true of a lot of the people that I've seen who've used tretinoin their skin is tighter their skin is more even toned so you'd have to say they look better but they don't look younger and you'd think that having tighter more even tone skin would make them look younger but it doesn't

No I did recently see somebody who had there's this doctor on YouTube He's a plastic surgeon and he does what he calls facial rejuvenation surgery and it's kind of a modified facelift with a lip lift and some other s*** it's not like there's some other kind of facelift that's real popular now rather than just pulling the skin up it's they go in and they kind of lift mid-plane facelift maybe or something like that I'm fascinated by this s*** I don't want to get any of it but I'm fascinated by it

But this guy he does what he calls facial rejuvenation surgery blah blah blah

And he just did it on this woman she's like 49 years old she looks great I don't know why she wanted to have any kind of surgery done

But he did some kind of thing with her where she did the surgery and she let them film kind of the recuperation process and she looks young like maybe early 30s

But I looked at her and I'm like ew

And it's not that she didn't look good after the surgery I don't know exactly what about it made me go ew

And I followed this woman on Instagram she's like all rich and whatever she's the woman who founded the butter London nail polish brand that was so super popular except since she's sold it the people who own it now seem to have kind of running into the ground

That may not be true it may have just kind of taken its natural course but it was a very popular nail polish brand and they wanted to make it like full makeup line and they kind of lost their focus on the nail polish I think and their makeup wasn't like amazing so it didn't compete well with other stuff

Whatever that's not interesting or important but she's 50 she says

And that's probably right cuz she's got a kid that's like I don't know 15 16 something like that

And she's got gray hair she's had gray hair for a long time I think she's one of those people that starts going gray when they're like in their twenties or something

My mother's sister started going gray like in high school or something

Had a religion teacher who said she started going gray in junior high

She is one of the first people that I ever saw who was like young with gray hair so it was really healthy hair and thick and was a variety of color gray she was I don't know maybe she was like in her mid-30s maybe

Whatever I'm getting off topic

So this lady she used to wear her hair in kind of a modified mohawk

But she's been dating this guy who's a lot younger than her and is like a skateboarder he seems kind of old for a skateboarder though I don't know how old he is but I'd say he's in his early 30s

Anyway and she's been kind of struggling with her new business ventures

She had one called color prevails that was at Walgreens and that didn't really work out for her and so now she's been working on something else for years and maybe that starting to catch on I don't know

Wow this is really long wind up

Anyway just recently she had some plastic surgery done

And she says that she has been very careful with her maintenance so she's never had any like major changing stuff she mostly just is trying to maintain and then she had a picture of herself

She just had some laser resurfacing under her eyes and a lip lift and that may have been all she had done

But she has picture her herself like this is me now at 50

And then a split screen with herself this is me at 40

And it was kind of shocking to me

I mean I don't know what she can have had done but her eyes when she was 40 they were kind of the way I've always felt about my eyes like disappointingly small like you want to have these large bright Uma Thurman doe eyes which she doesn't have anymore but that's what you want but then what you actually have or these kind of small you know nicely shaped but a little too close together you know just they're fine nothing wrong with them except they don't see very well but nothing wrong with them but just not not great you know and she looked kind of wrinkly and kind of haggard in fact I would really say that she at 40 probably looked older than I do at 55 but maybe I'm not objective about how I actually look

But she had some pretty noticeable crow's feet and she had some pretty pronounced marionette lines and she just looked f****** tired

But now at 50 her skin is all real smooth no wrinkles at all anywhere and you know I'm sure she said Botox and I'm sure she's had laser resurfacing she might have had some stuff lifted who could say she's probably been using tretinoin

But her eyes are big and bright and doe eyes you know

I mean do they have surgery for that

She looks like she's had upper and maybe lower blepharoplasty can they actually like make your eyes bigger wider more open while they're cutting all your lids apart

So anyway I mean she looks fine now

And I mean she looks believably 50

Just really like good 50 you know

But seeing her next to her picture of herself when she was 40

Kind of gave me the heebie-jeebies

Because to me she just didn't look like the same person

It was kind of like the feeling I had with the person that I saw who had the facial rejuvenation surgery except of course that she looked much younger

But I hadn't previously felt like oh she looks super artificial I just thought she looked that way

But then after I saw the picture of her at 40 I realized you know she's not just doing maintenance whatever she wants to tell herself that's fine but that isn't maintenance

And again it's none of my business she likes how she looks and people should be allowed to do what they want and all that

But why do people not want to look like themselves

I guess maybe I'm a fine one to ask because I to some degree don't even know what I look like I mean I do when I look in the mirror I pretty much recognize myself but I don't actually think that's what I look like so much my internal image of myself is different

I tell you what

I think I'm ready for my robot body

I mean every time I move in my hands anymore it seems like I'm doing something that pops my knuckles

And I am not enjoying it

And then you know all that other stuff hurts that always hurts

And I mean the downside to the robot body would be you know you probably wouldn't have any sexual feeling but I don't remember sex anymore anyway

I honestly can't really remember what it was like

And another big drawback to the robot body is you probably wouldn't eat food or you wouldn't taste food or maybe you would taste food I guess if you kept your mouth and your tongue and your brain I guess you would still taste food but if you didn't have that if it was like a completely robot body then you wouldn't have that

And I used to think that would be bad because the majority of the enjoyment that I have in life is food related

But I find that I'm largely disinterested in food now

I mean I really just would prefer if I did not have to eat

Because it's just kind of a hassle

So I don't know

Maybe that's losing interest in things that you previously cared a lot about

I should be all worried about depression

But you know maybe it's just

Food is a hassle

What do you think

Do you think food is kind of a hassle

Would you prefer not to have to worry about it

Maybe I've just seen too many of those Ka'chava commercials on YouTube they're like on all the time it's like a healthy meal replacement although probably healthy should be in quotes because I don't know if it's really all that healthy but it is made a superfoods

Although it's supposed to taste like chocolate and I don't want to drink chocolate shakes all the time either so

I mean I do have a bar that I eat it's called aloha I need just chocolate flavored and it's made a superfoods and I don't need it all the time I just have them sometimes I think it's got like 20 g of protein or something and it's chocolate but it's not like chocolate chocolate

Like it kind of tastes like a candy bar to me but I don't think it would taste like a candy bar to most people

I really don't like candy bars

Like there was a thing on Twitter a while back that was like you can have one of these candy bars

And I was like you keep all those f****** candy bars I don't care

Now if you got some matcha kit Kats we might have to talk

I do sometimes get those little miniature chocolate bars

Or little miniature dove chocolates

Cuz like a Hershey's special dark or a dove milk chocolate like just a little bit and sometimes pretty good but I don't think I can remember the last time I had a chocolate bar

Like if we're talking some kind of you know single origin fancy chocolate bar probably the last time I had one of those was the last time I'm menstrated so last year sometime

But if you're talking one of those like

Twix Mars Snickers those kind of candy bars I don't like those they're gross they're all sticky and I don't know

My mom and I were someplace eating and they had desserts and she wanted to know if I wanted to split a dessert and I'm like well I mean maybe what kind of dessert do they have well we found out what the desserts were that they had and she wanted to get like the molten chocolate cake with ice cream and I'm like well you know you can get that and it won't be that big you can eat the whole thing I'm like but I don't want that

I'm in a chocolate dessert like that I could eat it but I won't really enjoy it so I mean it's just really not worth the calories

Now if they had something that was lemon or lime I would get that

Like a key lime pie is really richer than I would like but I would still eat it because I would enjoy it I would just wish that it was maybe not quite so rich

Like a plain egg custard I could enjoy

A bread pudding with a bourbon sauce Yes I can enjoy that

Carrot cake I love carrot cake

Do you know that carrot cake has more calories in it than like that molten chocolate cake with ice cream it's ridiculous how many calories that has in it but it's good

And when I was buying groceries for my mom I got some muffins because I have been wanting muffins and I don't know if she will eat muffins or not but I thought it would go good with coffee and she's got a new Keurig

And I bought banana nut muffins and brand muffins I thought I had opened up the banana nut muffins and I had one and I'm like this is very like a brand muffin this is maybe the best banana nut muffin I've ever had it's kind of like a brand muffin

Well I don't know why I thought those were banana nut muffins because I knew I'd bought brand muffins and then I was over at her house putting away her books and stuff and I was like well I'm kind of hungry I'm going to have one of those muffins but she had finished off the rest of the muffins in the container that was already open so I open the next container and that was banana nut muffins and I'm like oh of course these are banana nut muffins

I'm like next time I'm going to just buy bran muffins the bran muffins were so much better

I was kind of surprised about that though I really thought banana nut muffins were the best

I don't know I think I've been blathering on for quite a while about pretty much nothing but this is the stuff I'm thinking about

Also I guess it's unfair to say that I don't care about eating because I'm I mean I guess I'm kind of losing interest in it too but I decided to get walnut butter cuz walnuts are like super good for you and to have walnut butter on my toast cuz I like toast

And I got to say I really like walnut butter

And I also have a new favorite dental floss

It's impregnated with charcoal which I don't know if that's either here or there in my like of it but it does make it easier to see how much stuff you've got between your teeth You know on the white floss you can tell it's wet but you don't really see anything which I mean it's kind of gross to see it but you know it's easier to tell if you need to keep going and it's like expanding so it seems to work even better than that Dr tungs but I can't remember what it's called

I'll have to look it up

It's got some weird name like YVRY or something

It's probably not even close to that

And I'm back to my old toothpaste

I mean I'm still using the whatever that stuff is called that's got the stuff that makes teeth

But I just really like that we'll eat assault toothpaste

Well later

Weleda Salt Toothpaste

Possibly this thing just can't understand me because I have possibly an accent or slur my words or talk to fast and string things together strangely I don't know I think it's pretty remarkable how well it does

But then I'm comparing it with the first time I tried to use this technology which was back in the '90s which I guess wasn't a couple weeks ago

I guess the '90s was like 30 years ago

Which I guess makes sense cuz I think I was like 27 or thereabouts when I was first trying to use voice recognition technology and it was so bad it was just not even worth f****** with

And this is so good that it lulls me into a sense of oh it's fine and then it gets stuff wrong and sometimes it causes trouble or confusion or word salad

I didn't take any melatonin and I normally do take that every night now

I might fall asleep without it

And if I do then I may wake up after a short period of time and not be able to go back to sleep

But then again sometimes that happens with melatonin as well

So whatever anyway

Good night sweetheart I love you very much 💋