He always had all these ideas and things he was thinking up
And I asked him one time
Why don't you do any of these things
And he said you know I get enough enjoyment out of just thinking them up I don't need to do them
And I'm kind of like that
I'm a lot like my father actually
And I'm completely not liking at all
But the one thing that I think my brother and I both get from him is just an incredible imagination
I mean I think up a lot of stuff
Now the problem with books
Maybe my real problem with them
It's maybe I get bored with the idea before I can finish or maybe I come up with another idea or maybe I get distracted by something else
And I do have a perfectionism issue I mean you've rightly identified that I don't want to do it unless it's perfect That's maybe not right necessarily think that anything I would write would be perfect perfect but I do have perfectionism issues
And maybe my problem is
That I don't really have something I want to say to the world or an audience or whatever I don't feel and need to have people love me or pay attention to me or whatever
I mean I guess I want you to love me and pay attention to me but
I don't really have one story I want to tell you
And sometimes I feel like you want something from me and I don't know what it is you want and I don't know how to give it to you and just the pull of the your wanting it feels difficult because I have this thing in me where everybody always wants something
And so if I'm stressed out and feeling like I cannot handle the world and then somebody wants something from me it doesn't read as good it reads as more stress
So I'm trying not to do that
I'm trying to look for things that are funny
Growing up
My father thought I was very funny
It wasn't just him I mean people generally find me funny
But I've withdrawn so much over the years
Maybe I have a hard time relating to people
I don't have a kid
I'm probably not going to have a kid
And although I wanted to have a kid with you I don't know that I necessarily wanted to have a kid generally
I feel like my parents were pretty bad parents and I don't know whether I would be a good parent or not I think I would be because I've given it a lot of thought all the things that I think parents should do and shouldn't do and what I would do you know
But I seem to require an awful lot of time for thinking like I literally go into these I don't want to say they're fugue states I don't think they are fugue states and they're not exactly meditative states either it's more like a flow state except I don't know that I actually accomplish anything but it's like as though you were writing or painting or you know it's a creative process but I'm just thinking
And so I guess that's kind of like my dad but you know all this time with my mother even though she mostly doesn't talk to me even when we were painting in the studio
It's not like she's enjoying my company and talking to me I mean she'll boss me around but for the most part we would just work in silence
But you would think that you know packing up your s*** and whatever that I'd have plenty of time to think but no I can't really think and do anything else too well and being in her house is slightly traumatizing
So I don't really know what I'm saying here
I feel like I have some sort of an art form that I do but it's sort of a solitary art form which isn't probably good
Probably when you don't like the term content
But I kind of feel like that's really just another way to say you're supposed to take all this stuff in your brain and make into something for other people to consume
And I guess that's what I always had a problem with I mean I can make stuff
And I guess I can write stuff
But I feel like a lot of what's going on with me is going on with me
Not like an ego thing not really sure
I mean I think that you're becoming a father really made you a better person I mean maybe it's not fair for me to say that because maybe I don't really know you I feel like I know you but baby I don't know you maybe I just know some projection
I don't know I'm in a weird head space
But I think that I don't know I don't know I have ego I think but I feel as though that maybe I don't have enough ego not that I need to have a situation where it gets knocked down a peg but maybe I just don't have enough of it
I don't know I'm in a weird headspace I feel like I am just on the other side of the wall from something and that I'm going to open a door and walk through or I'm going to go around the corner or something's going to happen and it is all going to gel and come together and great things
but I can't see that I necessarily know exactly what well no I don't know what all what I feel like I'm very close to knowing what and I feel like that the things that I'm doing and the things that I have been doing are either very important
Or
Completely unimportant and a waste of time
But I don't really know which
I did however have a day last week
We're driving felt normal again
Like the way I used to drive I couldn't really remember it before I knew it wasn't what was happening what was happening felt completely unnatural
But I was driving along and I realized
It's back
It's like this sense that my I don't know energy is spread out outside the car like the force is driving the car like I'm paying attention but I'm not paying attention it's some bigger me
So when I was driving and it was feeling totally frightening it was like it was little me sitting in the car looking at everything and everything was too much and I couldn't absorb it all
But this back to normal driving is like I'm not I'm not paying attention at all
I'm relaxed and not paying attention and some other bigger thing is paying attention
And
Maybe that's how being out in public is too
So I don't know
I'm not sure that means I could drive hundreds of miles but the 8 mi to my mom's house seems totally natural now
