And I had like an attached apartment that belonged to what didn't belong to me exactly it belonged to the manager of the store which I was so I had the use of it but it didn't actually belong to me
But for some reason I was sleeping in the cafe
And this woman came along from headquarters and I don't know if it was supposed to be Starbucks or if it was supposed to be something else but
At Starbucks they used to have this terminology was called freeing you up for your future
Which basically meant firing you
So she was having this long talk with me
About how it was a shame that I had kind of lost focus and lost interest in my job so close to retirement
But there was nothing for it they were just going to have to let me go cuz I was no good anymore
But then we were walking around this store department store I guess and
She gave me this catalog and she's like here I'm going to let you in on the secret we all order from this catalog it's like really old school stuff that you can't find anyplace else
And then she's like you know what would be great for you is designing t-shirts for us so I'm going to hook you up with this other person and you can start doing that
And so it was like she was firing me
But at the same time she was kind of hooking me up with the higher echelon people
So it was kind of freeing me up for my future
One thing that really irritates me that my mother does is she's always like giving me this unsolicited advice telling me how to do everything sometimes it's like she wants me to do something for her and she wants to tell me exactly how to do it but sometimes it's like she's given me advice
Like one time years ago just out of the blue she called me on my phone when I was at a meeting at Starbucks because it was like April 15th and she wanted to be sure I had filed my taxes but you know I'd been successfully filing taxes for like I don't know 15 years or 20 years or something at that point and so it was kind of like you know she called and I had to take the call because you know maybe there was something wrong with her cuz she didn't typically call me you know
But just recently like I don't know a couple of days ago I remembered something that I had forgotten for years and years and years
When I was a kid I used to ask her for advice all the time because I was very uncertain about what I should do you know with my future and you know I don't know stuff like what should I do about this what should I do about that where I wanted actually advice from my parent who was supposed to know things right
And she would always say no I don't want to influence you You have to make those decisions for yourself
Like I had to go out in the world and learn how to make good decisions without any input from the parent who was supposed to be at least theoretically guiding me right
But then once I got to be like you know 27 or 28 and she didn't really like the decisions I had made then she was wanting to get all up in my business and tell me what to do but not even really consistently just appoints when it would irritate me
But I had forgotten that when I was asking her for advice I needed help because I didn't really understand how the world worked she wouldn't help me then she wouldn't give me advice maybe because she didn't really know herself I'm beginning to think that that is in fact the case
And I mean now she's living on her all her retirement stuff social security and her husband's annuity and something else so I mean she's doing okay she's making enough money that she really does not need to make money from her paintings or you know anything else
She could just be retired
And she makes enough money for what she has oh the other thing that's coming in is from her her IRA that's what it is so she has enough money to live you know luxury apartment style for you know at least as long as she's likely to live
Although of course if she has to go into a home that's a whole lot more expensive and I don't know
But for most of her life she supported herself with the things she was doing her businesses and her real estate and whatever else you know she was supporting herself
And yet I really I really don't think she ever knew what the f*** she was doing I really think she just decided she was doing it and just bulled her way through
And I guess my problem is I always stop and think about all the things I don't know
But I don't know
I want to love her
And I want to think nice things about her
But
The more I'm around her
The more I see where when I used to see her like once every 3 to 6 months that was plenty
And okay okay I know this is all engaging her psychosis or neurosis or whatever where she has to try to stop me from doing the thing that she told me she wants me to do
And I'm willing to accept an awful lot of reasonably s***** behavior because of that
But I really just do not think that it is asking too much not to diss me to my face
And she thinks it's no big deal
But she's wrong about that
And we may get to the point where when we're done with this whole process I don't even want to see you anymore
I mean like I'm going to bed now so that I can try to get up really early and get to her house at like 7:00 so that I get like maybe 4 hours of work in before she even shows up
Now that it's finally sunken in that she's not actually going to do a goddamn thing that I'm going to have to do this whole thing by myself which I mean I thought she would at least go through some stuff you know I really did not think she was just going to leave it all to me
But now that I have realized that I've got like basically a month maybe maybe like maybe almost 6 weeks left
And then it is pretty much just me
And that I am not actually supposed to get rid of anything except what she approved and she pretty much won't approve anything
And yet she thinks she has about 12 boxes of stuff left in the house
And she's like trying to clamp down
Like there were some kinds of magazines that she was getting rid of before but now she claims she never got rid of them that she wants to keep all of those magazines because she has to go through them and find the things that she bought the magazines for and tear out those articles
And I just want to know if I'm going to become one of those little b****** anyway what the f*** is my incentive not just to throw all of her s*** away
I just want somebody to prove that I'm adopted that I'm not genetically related to these people
I mean when I was a kid I used to think I was adopted and they would show me pictures of my mother pregnant and I'm like that doesn't prove that's me
I mean maybe the babies were switched at the hospital I don't know I just want there to be some way that I'm not related to her
And she keeps talking about how she's going to live 20 more years
But you know there was all this had to happen right away stuff and I grant you the people next door wanted to buy the house and they were in the market for a house so if she was going to sell the house to somebody who wanted to buy it who was going to buy it to tear it down and not want to see in the house this was going to be her easiest time to sell it
So you know part of it is that
And then she says that it's all my fault because she thought there might be a problem with the deed because of Bob doing the stuff with her last name and whatever even though she got that all changed and filed and it should have been fine she the only reason she's putting herself through all this is because she was afraid that she would die and I would not be able to have the house because they would be some kind of problem
And I don't really believe that
But maybe
Maybe there's some small about that
Although if she was so concerned about my being able to have access to her assets you would think that she would give me the information about her assets instead of just telling me you know well when I died just start digging through my mail and I'm sure you'll find everything
Which was absolutely what she said to me
Prior to this whole situation
But I think that she is not actually expecting to live very much longer
I know all of the seems to happen right after her cardiologist told her that she was doing okay but in a few years she might have to have surgery because she was leaking in three of her valves
And I think that she thinks that she's not going to have the surgery and so then she's going to die
So I think all of this is because she wants to have a nice place for the end of her life
But then she's having a hard time letting go over stuff
But again it's not like she has an attachment to it and the nicer it is the more she seems to want to get rid of it
But I'm just kind of sick of the story changing from day to day
And I'm sick of her making me do everything but then also trying to keep me from doing it
That's all irritating and I don't like it
But her refusing this one f****** boundary
I will not let you talk s*** about me in front of me
Which I do not think constitutes being too sensitive or easily offended it seems to me like that is a really really reasonable boundary
I'm doing all this for you I'm putting up with all this I'm doing something that's really hard for me that I do not want to do to help you make your dream come true and all I ask is that you're not talk smack about me in front of me
That just does not seem like a difficult boundary to me
And yeah yeah I know that the reason people become narcissists is because their parents f*** them up
And I know we've all got our issues
But I still maintain that this is a perfectly reasonable boundary for me to have and for her to be unwilling
It really makes me want to say you know what f*** you get somebody else to do your s*** for you and get somebody else to come over and do your dishes and sweep your floor and all that other s*** you expect me to do
That I was doing but I haven't actually been over in a little over a week so I'm really kind of afraid of what kind of mess you might have made at the new place
and I mean this is really supposed to be my work and through my issues with my mother
And to be honest with you I'm not 100% sure whether I'm working through them and making it better or whether I'm just making it worse somehow
Anyway I'm confident there's comedy in there somewhere but I'm not finding any of it funny right now
I don't find the fact that I really want to beat my mother funny I find it incredibly disturbing and I'm not going to beat her I'm not saying I'm going to beat her I'm saying I'm not going to be her but I want to be her because she's so horrible
And the thing is I'm pretty sure I'm not insensitive
I mean if I am then oh well I'm just going to have to be because I can't be any more sensitive than I am so if this constitutes insensitivity then that's just the way it's got to be
But you know
She's always made it very clear that nothing is her fault and so if anything is not perfect it is my fault and I never believed that but you know maybe I do want to become one of those little b******
Maybe if I become one of those little b****** then she will just turn away from me and I will not have to ever deal with her again
I mean I certainly don't feel right about turning my back on my old decrepit mother
But if she turns her back on me and makes me into the monster then I'm free right
So I don't know I really don't know probably it doesn't mean that probably it means that she just berates me all the time but still wants me around I don't know
I can remember though being like 11 or so and thinking you know your parents or supposed to know stuff you're supposed to be able to get advice from them you're supposed to look up to them and think of them as like a source of guidance and whatnot and that's just not true
I can remember thinking you know this is like a pretty big disillusionment is life just one big series of disillusionments is that
Is that all there is
Is that all there is
If that's all there is my friend
Then let's keep dancing
Except then I was too fat to be a dancer well I could have lost weight I was too big boneded
Anyway I'm sure there's a punchline in there somewhere and as soon as it stops punching me I'll probably see it
