i want people to be arrested
i want our democracy to be protected
i do not feel like these things are going to happen
do you think i'm just too pessimistic
or
do you think
i should be worried
i have been pretty engrossed in this whole mom's house business
i feel like i already made her dream come true
and now
i'm being punished for it
maybe this is showing me the bitter side of my nature
but i do not feel sane
i do think, maybe
i should work up a comedy monologue about it
and go to the comedy open mic here locally
maybe that would work it out of my system, maybe
i don't really want to talk about it
i don't want other people to listen to me and respond
i don't think i want that
but
maybe it would be good for me
idk
i feel like
you feel like
i'm ignoring you
but
i feel strip mined
i ain't got much to give right now
i feel like i'm trying to communicate
when my inclination is to just shut down
and then
i'm worried that you are having a bad reaction to what i'm saying
and i can't handle any more stress
so please
can you just trust that i'm not trying to be bitchy
i'm not even saying that i'm not being bitchy
i don't even know what i'm doing
when i'm stressed
i know i have an edge
but
my choices are
shut down
or
force myself to communicate
and
if i have to continually worry that i'm fucking things up with you
then i just can't make myself
are we so different that you can't understand what's happening with me?
or
am i just paranoid and self sabotaging
you have no problem with me
you just love me and want to stay connected
maybe i'm letting the negative emotional concretions building up on me from the interactions with my mother, my personal history, my hormonal overload attach to whatever i'm trying to send out to you
that's possible
idk what's real
i've been thinking about the fortune teller who said to listen to the angels
and the fortune teller who read for me with the angel cards
and how i'm not supposed to let my family of origin crap make me lose my belief in you
does this make any sense?
