Well not really TV internet but whatever
And I probably should have gone through my closet and gotten rid of more stuff we're dragged those other two bags downstairs at least but I didn't
I watch TV and I ordered some food from Hawaiian brothers
And the guy said he was going to come back and check the AC and I don't know whether he went up on the roof and checked it or not but he didn't come in and I'm pretty sure it's still leaking so I'm probably going to have to go back to the office and complain tomorrow
So this did all get me some days off from my mom which is good because I wanted to kill her
And I I just don't feel good about her
I mean that whole refusing to accept my boundaries and have to talk smack about me because she's got to get sympathy from Marion and so she can't even remember that I'm a person who exists there and is there
And I'll grant you that the smack she was talking about me this last time was a lot less smacky than the smack she was talking about me before but I don't even care
I'm just so over her right now
I mean
The fact that when Marion is around she has to focus on getting Marion to have all the sympathy for her and so she has to paint me as bad and that that so overpowering that she's not even really aware that she's talking badly about me or maybe she is aware I don't know but clearly it's not as important
It's actually kind of making me flash back a little bit to when she and my father would fight and bicker in front of me and I would be like could you please not do this it really upsets me and they just couldn't stop because it was more important to them that they have their little bickering thing then how I felt
Because realistically how I feel is just not very important to them
And you know I had to stop myself the other day from ordering more stuff from my mom to make her living experience nice
Because I've already ordered her new silverware and I had already ordered her new dishes that she just never used
The really nice cookware that I had ordered her I found on the floor in the kitchen because she left it soaking in water for a long time and it's completely ruined
and I can't remember what it was that I was thinking I should order her the other day but I was driving to her house and I was thinking I should order her something and I was like you know what what what has your mother ever done like special for you
Like a special thing that she got you or did for you just to make you happy
And I thought and I thought and I thought
And finally I was like when I think it was Lasher came out she got me an autographed copy from the bookstore
And I'm like okay well that was nice
But do you actually think she like went and waited in line at the bookstore to get you an autographed copy especially because it was the special thing she was doing for you or do you think she was at the bookstore getting something for herself and she saw that and she just picked it up
And I'm like well you know it doesn't matter either way it was a nice gift
And I'm like it does matter because it's a different set of parameters
I'm not asking you if she ever bought you anything we know she's bought you things
What I'm asking you is this thing that you do where you say oh that would be a really great thing that I could get for her that would make her life better
Oh that would be a really special thing I should get that for her because that's exactly what she needs
That thing that you do
Where you're like looking for ways that you can make people's lives better
And get them a perfect thing that's like special for them
Which okay is the thing that you enjoy to do and the thing that you have a particular aptitude for so whatever but
Name one time that she thought about you and did something special for you that you know was not like oh she was picking up something for herself and she just picked up something for you two at the same time or she would get some extra thing if she bought an extra whatever you know like something that was completely just her thinking about you
Like you like to think that a mother would do
And I could not come up with one thing not one thing
And that made me kind of sad
I guess I have a whole lot of things that I think are the way things should be and I don't know where I get them I don't really think I get them from popular culture either maybe it's just like you know well I would do this
And that's probably not fair
But then of course
While I'm not able to think of anything special that she did that was just for me
Or indeed any unselfish thing she's ever done for me
I am been able to remember the time that I went to live with her thinking she was the way she was pretending to be and then she turned out to be the way she really is and I kind of lost my mind and was having a really hard time dealing with my situation
Which was basically that my father and my stepmother got rid of all my stuff and got rid of my bed and didn't really care if I came to visit them at all and my father was basically treating me like a girlfriend who cheated on him
And my mother would look at me and tell me I looked like my father and then her eyes bug out and she would scream at me and it just I mean she was terrible she was just terrible
And so you know I told her that I was having a hard time and I thought maybe I needed to go see a therapist and she said you just looking for ways to spend my money
And all the times I was super depressed and she was like you just need to decide to be happy
Of course there was always money if she needed to see a therapist but I don't believe she tells that therapist the truth so I don't believe it's ever going to do her any good
Anyway
There's a way in which I don't feel like she's a real person
That probably sounds really bad
I know she's a human
But I just have a very keen awareness of her fakeness right now
And I mean when I was going out to dinner with her periodically because I felt bad that Bob had died and she was alone and she would make me talk you know we couldn't just have a conversation I had to like entertain her cuz she wanted to hear all about my life or what I was into or whatever but she didn't really want to hear it she would get bored and her eyes would glaze over and she would obviously not be paying any attention to me and it would be like god damn it I don't want to talk
I don't want to sit and talk about myself
Why are you making me talk about myself when you don't even care
Well that was a lot easier
The knowing that she can't keep in her head that I'm standing right here and she's talking smack about me to somebody else
And I mean maybe she loves me
But I don't believe it
I don't really know what she thinks
Or how she feels
But I don't believe that she sees me as a real person who exists all the time
I don't think when I'm out of her sight she really thinks about me and I don't think she I don't know I just
I have thoughts and feelings about how a mother should be and it doesn't overlap with her at all
And as much as I do not like the way she is mad about all the things she's mad about that she doesn't take into account any of the bits that are her fault but she just goes on and on about what horrible monsters all these other people are
As much as I hate that
When I think about the things that she has done to me in the past even though I don't think about them very often if for some reason I do think about them they still make me angry
And then I think oh maybe I'm like her
And then that makes me angry
Because the one thing I do not want to be is like her
And all this time around her
I think I thought I was going to understand her better maybe get inside her head a little bit have a better idea of what motivates her
But I don't
I just don't care what motivates her anymore
I just feel like she's a narcissist
And I won't say she's a pathological liar I think she just doesn't really know what's true
That's not exactly true I mean well no I don't think she knows what's true but I don't think she really cares much what's true I think she's just telling you in any situation what she thinks she needs to tell you to manipulate you into doing what she wants
But then she doesn't really keep track so the stated reality is different possibly every day
And if she's nice or apologetic or seems interested or anything that seems positive it doesn't ever really seem to come from inside of her it's not like she has warm feelings for me
It all seems very fake
And see I want good things for her I want her to have this beautiful place to live and be happy I don't know why exactly I want that because it's not like oh I love her so much I want her to be happy it's not like that
But it also isn't like oh I get some sort of feeling of superiority out of being able to to do that for her or oh it makes me so happy to be able to do that for her I don't really understand why I want to do that I guess I just feel like she wants it and she can't do it for herself but I can do it for her
Which I did because she's all moved in and you know she's got the nice stuff so it still remains to be seen if she's going to f*** it up I think she's probably going to f*** it up but I'm trying really hard try and really hard not to let her f*** it up
But I've kind of lost track of why
I mean I think it's got something to do with trying to make peace with myself
Like I was going to have to go through all her stuff while I wasn't going to have to go through all her stuff I could have just thrown it all away
But I mean a certain part of me feels like I was going to have to deal with all of her s*** when she died so because of all this whatever happened and I'm kind of letting the universe bring it to me you know or whatever it was like okay well I'm not doing it when she dies I'm doing it now
And so as part of that kind of making peace with her making peace with myself you know this is my mother and she's going to die someday hopefully not too long from now
Which sounds terrible but I mean
I'm fully prepared to accept that I'm a bad person for not loving my mother although I do seem to love her but I don't love her and I can't explain that any better so if you have a wonderful loving family which you seem to then there may not be any way for you to really understand I don't know
So if the reasons why I'm doing this are selfish
They don't feel selfish
I feel like I'm working really hard to make somebody else happy who really isn't going to be made happy by anything I do
I feel like I've got myself into a situation that is perhaps not really all that good for me after all
I mean I do think that just telling her what I think about all the things that she does and says and not letting her bully me around too much I think that's good for me I guess
But I pretty much
I don't like it
I don't like her
I don't I don't know I don't even really feel like she is my mother
I'm really increasingly feeling as though she is not my mother
And I don't know how I feel about that
Like I kind of feel like I never had a mother
I can remember when I had so much trouble with Deborah I used to talk about my mother and I would call her my real mother like my real mother this and my real mother that but that was just a fantasy you know I mean she was working it pretty hard because she wanted to make me come and live with her but I'm thinking now that might have been more about breaking my father's heart then about caring about me at all
and it definitely did break my father's heart I don't think he ever forgave me and I didn't really understand any of that weird dynamic with my father until one time when I was on the road driving back from Santa Cruz so like I don't know 2007 something some interaction I had with you just made me see something I can't even remember exactly now what but it just made me see how my father had felt
And I don't really like that you're all tied in with my daddy issues I don't really know if you still are
I was thinking today about how Jason said we were raised by green tree lobsters
I don't know if his issues with his mother were worse than my issues with my mother I'm not really clear how similar or different
I mean if I had to pick Debra or my mother I would pick my mother but I think it's just because she is my mother you know what I'm saying it's not because she's a whole lot better than Deborah
Deborah's kind of a liar and manipulator too though I don't know I feel like Deborah is a lot more what you see is what you get
But I hate her
And I used to be worried that Jason was going to end up being retarded because every time he bounced around her she would hit him and what she could reach was usually his head so she usually hit him in the head because he was hyperactive and just bouncing all over the place and annoyed her
And when I say I hate her I don't really mean I hate her I mean I do I hate her but I don't spend very much time thinking about her so it's not like you know oh I hate her I have this burning hate in me and it consumes me and does more damage to me than it does to her I don't have any strong feeling towards her I just hate her so if there's anything she wants I'm not going to do it and I'm going to steer clear of her but you know I'm not going to go out of my way to do anything bad to her either because I'm mostly just want her not to exist and so for the most part she just doesn't and I haven't thought about Deborah since probably whenever the last time I mentioned her to you was
I just couldn't have the kind of closure I wanted to have with my father it just was not possible
And I thought maybe it was possible to have closure with my mother but I sort of don't think that's possible either
But maybe you see why
Well no I'm not going to say that but maybe all the things that I've had problems with
Through the various years
Maybe
Maybe you understand why I've had those problems
Anyway
Whatever
I seem to be crying now
I've been doing this thing
It's a law of attraction thing
And some days I think it's working really really well and other days I don't think about it
I saw some video late at night that was talking about this
The sky he was really down on his luck and this law of attraction guru guy who's going to help him or something I don't remember the story now
But he wrote down on a piece of paper for this guy
Good things are coming my way
And he told him to say it everyday
Well I that Abraham Hicks she's got all this oh when you get up in the morning you need to think about all this stuff blah blah blah well you know I was doing that and it was great but I can't when I'm having to deal with my mother I cannot always maintain that you know positive visualizing whatever I cannot always you know segment intend and whatever
But I was like well I could do that even if I get really bogged down
So I was like you know good things are coming my way
But then I was like you know that's not really right because good things are coming my way I mean maybe they're coming my way but they're going to drive right past me or what have you
And that's not what I believe
So I'm like good things are coming my way
But not just that
Good things are coming for me
Because the universe it knows exactly what I want and it is lying in the s*** up to give it to me because it loves me and it wants me to be happy
And periodically I'm like
Ooh today is going to be really good
I don't know what's going to happen but I'm going to find some really great treasure or whatever
And I found a picture of dub
It's not real in focus but still a picture
And there's been some other stuff
But I don't know for some reason I'm having trouble getting past that not respecting my boundaries thing
I don't know
Anyway I'm going to go to sleep now I'm super tired exhausted I'm just exhausted
I just don't know if I'm making things better or worse and I'm kind of in the middle of a situation that I kind of want to just walk away from but I don't think I can I think I got to see this through and get her all the way moved
But I guess I am feeling a little bit sorry for myself
And that's kind of s***** and not super attractive and not very productive and you know blah blah
goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋
