It's heavy trash day tomorrow at my mom's house which apparently they only have one a month because or no they only have one every other month because one month it's heavy trash day and the next month it's yard trash like tree limbs and stuff
So I was in the garage
And the garage is kind of bad
And there are spiders
And I used to not have a problem with spiders
Until I knew like 3 people that got bit by brown recluse spiders and had doctors tell them it's a good thing you came in today or you might have lost that leg
And since then I do not feel the same way about spiders brown recluse spiders look pretty much the same as any other spiders to me I'm sure it's possible to tell them apart but they just look the same to me
And so I was emptying out the shelves and dragging them down to the curb and the first one was fine
It was one of those lightweight metal shelves and it was no problem
The second one was some kind of plastic that fit together and it seemed pretty tightly fit together so I was not too worried about it but as I was pushing it over it one of the joints came apart and then went back together and it pinched my finger really badly
And it was unexpected and I've never been very good with unexpected pain if I know it's going to hurt I kind of braced myself for it but if I'm hurt and I don't expect it sometimes it hits me wrong
And I had been feeling what I guess I can only really interpret as hormonal today
And then it just hurts so bad I mean I'm not permanently damaged or anything it's a fairly minor flesh wound but it hurts so bad and it was so unexpected and I screamed and the whole time I was growing up if my mother made a noise or said ouch or did anything to indicate that she might have been injured in any way and you didn't immediately run to her side and be like are you okay or are you okay what's wrong are you okay
Then you were in big f****** trouble and she would yell at you and you know I mean it was just not going to be nice and she just did not give any indication that she had even noticed anything happened and there's no issue didn't hear that because it was f****** loud
So as I walk past her maybe I was already crying I don't know because I kind of went into a emotional meltdown and just could not stop crying for an extended period of time I don't know if I was crying yet I think I probably was and I went past her and I'm like you're not even going to ask me if I'm okay
And she gave me some s*** later about how she thought it was a bird or whatever and maybe maybe that's possible I don't know but I just I just melted down I just melted down
I just I don't know I feel as though I'm not looking at things the right way
I mean I think I love my mother
Because when I'm faced with things like I don't know I don't behave in a way that someone who didn't love their mother would behave so I think I must love her but I also kind of hate her
And yesterday she was telling me that she was up 10 lb and if she the doctor said if she's up like 2 lb she's supposed to call the doctor because she's retaining fluid and when she's had to be hospitalized before she's been up like 15 lb maybe or between 10 and 15 lb and she doesn't really eat that much and she didn't have enough food in her house that she could have gained 10 lb you know I bought the food I put it in the refrigerator I know what she's got it's you know like non-fat cottage cheese and non-fat yogurt and hummus and bran muffins and you know I mean it's like it's all pretty healthy and there is just not a lot of it so I was like well have you been taking your pills
Because she does not take them
And she's got two social worker type people calling her hounding her now because of her hospitalization in April
And she's like oh yeah I've been taking my pills everyday twice day
But she lies
And I'm like that is very concerning if you've been taking your pills and you're up 10 lb there might be something else wrong she's like I'm taking the pills but I'm just not having to pee so maybe I'm just dehydrated
And we had been talking about it at her apartment but then she distracted me onto something else somehow probably cuz I was tired
And so then last night we were texting and I was like you know if you're still up in the morning maybe you should call your doctor
And she tried to ghost me
And I don't know I don't know
But I just lost it and I don't know how much of it is just I'm f****** exhausted and how much of it was psychological trauma of being in the filthy garage in the heat and how much of it was hormones and how much of it was being injured suddenly and unexpectedly
But I couldn't stop crying
So yeah pretty psycho
And I just I don't know
But I can't get those lines out of my head I'm just seeing them over and over and over again
They say Jesus will find you wherever you go
But when he'll start looking for ya they don't know
But in the meantime keep your profile low
Gorilla you're a desperado
I fell asleep in the chair earlier
My finger joints hurt and they feel I don't know arthritis but I've been lifting a lot of boxes that have those kind of handles banker box type things and they're full of books so they're pretty heavy so I mean I could legitimately just have made my hands sore
But I'm pretty sure joint pain is also a menopausal symptoms so then I'm like okay well how much of this is just that I wore my hands out and how much of it is menopause and how much of it should I be worried is actual arthritis
And I think I'm getting a blood blister from where that thing pinched but it's it's not too bad but it doesn't hurt unless I put pressure on it
I didn't ever really think I had damaged myself badly but I had a little bit of a cut I think it doesn't look like it now so I'm not 100% sure but my first thought was yeah I'm going to rub some filth into it and I'm going to end up with a bad infection
But I washed it
And put hydrogen peroxide on it
When I came home I soaked it for about 10 minutes and some warm salt water with some tea tree oil so I mean I think I'm okay physically
I just don't feel very stable psychologically
I've been taken estroven multi-symptom menopause pills and they had been working
Now at one point I forgot to take them for some number of days two or three maybe and I had a pretty strong resurgence of symptoms but I haven't been forgetting to take them
And in fact they have a variety of different symptoms ones that have different ingredients and so I looked them up and they have a different one that has an ingredient called cissus
Which is supposed to cut down on joint pain it's also so supposed to be strengthening to your bones it's also supposed to help with your cortisol which is supposed to help with the disproportionate distribution of fat to the belly area which is a big problem in menopause but it is a big problem for me as well and maybe it helps with energy a little bit or maybe it's just that when you hurt less you have more energy I'm uncertain and I've been taking those for I don't remember how long 2 weeks maybe
I feel like it has helped some with pain and I have had a little more energy when I first started taking them I felt like I felt less tense or anxious or something like I could feel the cortisol levels going down but I think that could have been just my imagination or it could have been placebo effect but I do feel like my stomach looks a little bit smaller have not lost weight but I feel like my stomach looks a little bit smaller
goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋
