Goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much💋

the one picture was kinda cathartic

the ice cream has the most likes

my favorite

is the tumbleweeds

I haven't had much experience with tumbleweeds myself

but I think they're entering the pantheon

grumbler and chumba wumba and kack

I think

although

I'm not sure of the chumba wumba provenance

that might not work out

I woke up

What's a bad headache

I've been incrementally

Not getting up

I had one amazing dream

It seems sort of silly

I'm going to compromise

I'm going to sleep 30 more minutes and then if my headache isn't on I'm going to get up anyway

I love you sweetheart 💋

So I fell asleep in the chair again

Apparently just doesn't matter if I had 10 hours of sleep the night before if I get short sleep then I'm falling asleep in the chair again but actually you know I might fall asleep in the chair even if I got 10 hours to sleep I don't know I don't know what my deal is

But I guess I've been doing that for 20 years so I used to think it was cuz I worked all the time and got no sleep but apparently I don't have to be working real hard and maybe I don't even have to have gotten no sleep apparently I just like to knock off in the chair it's very strange although I really only got about 3 hours of sleep last night so and we're on track to get about 4:00 four and a half tonight so I don't know

I don't mind very well

I don't even mind myself very well

I love you very much sweetheart 💋

I'll talk to you in the morning sometime

Not in the super early morning obviously

p.s.

the scar is so much worse than I thought it would be

I gotta go to bed

I love you very much

I keep being paranoid

that there's a problem

I asked the cards

and it gave me 2 of cups

so

that card's been coming up a lot

goodnight sweetheart 💋

So before I went to sleep I looked around for podcasts

And there are so many podcasts

But I finally found one that sounded like the right podcast

It was a women in shamanism podcast right You know and it had some kind of a tagline that was like you know saying all the things that aren't supposed to be said or I don't know something along those lines that made it sound very you know raw and something

So when I actually started listening to it it's called PYTHOS

And it's a bunch of English women

And I can't really tell how old they are

but you know my guess would be that the youngest one is probably in her late thirties

And they've all been trained in the art of seerism

In the tradition of the Oracle of Delphi

Which made me kind of laugh

Because my guess is that they didn't go to Delphi and train with someone who's lived in the caves for their whole life and multiple generations or something

My guess it's is that it's you know one of those kind of Golden Dawn style mystery schools

And I thought yeah that's what you deserve

But you know I started listening to it and they're talking all about the Earth's serpent

And they're going to read you a weave

People write in questions I think they do this once or twice a month people write in questions and one of the women I don't know if it's always the same one or if it rotates through I don't know like channels the answer to their question

And this one was about resistance how do we counteract resistance

I might be wrong Resistance might have not been the word she used but it was you know basically there's a lot of negativity in the world and we want to maintain our you know indigo vibe and how do we do that

And you know I like the weave it was very poetically done it sounded very channeled

At all though my first thought was oh no nu huh no

I was like come on give it a chance listen to it

And after she does her weave

wish to be clear she's in channeling at that moment she's channeled it before or whatever and she's just reading it

Then they go around the circle and every woman responds to the weave

So you get kind of ostensibly the raw reaction

Which was you know kind of cool

And I could certainly relate to it

But I don't

I'm not sure this is going to make sense

If I knew the women if I had like a picture in my head of who each one was and what their life experience was and what they'd said about things before so that it was like a group of friends then I might have been able to get into their individual raw here let me turn my brain inside out for you thing

But as it was it was just like a collection of pretty normal seeming English women yeah that's not fair but I mean there weren't really any radical viewpoints it was all kind of you know we need to see how we resonate with things and see what this brings up for us and you know I mean

It wasn't doing that much for me

And the word that just kept surfacing

Was privileged

Not what they were saying but kept surfacing in my head in response to what they were saying it's like

And I was like I just I'm not going to be able to listen to the weavings of the Earth's serpent I'm sorry I wanted to I really wanted to

so then I'm like well you know I'm going to sleep tomorrow is another day whatever I can always look for another podcast

but you know there was a way in which I wasn't sure that wasn't really the right podcast for me and that made me kind of sad

So I went to sleep

can I set my alarm for like 11:30 because I thought well you know I don't want to get back on this up all night sleep all day thing because you know I'm back to having to go places during the day

But every time I would sort of float up towards awakeness

This overwhelming thing would come over me

I was absorbing myself in my dream I guess

There was a color orange

And there was a color blue

And which one I was absorbing myself into varied depending upon which time I was rising to the surface I guess

And what I was telling myself is

What is important is that you're happy

And these colors are like pure magic colors

if you absorb yourself completely into like the atomic pattern of this color it is perfect and your bind state will be perfect and your everything will be perfect so rather than wake up and enter an imperfect state stay in this perfect state where you'll be happy and everything will heal and everything will be awesome

Headed by not a really awake state I said that makes really good sense I am so going to do that

And that's how I slept all day

Well

This has been a low talk day

But I got this

I don't know if this is interesting but this is what keeps kind of surfacing today

When I was about eight years old I got my ears pierced for my birthday

And at least part of my stated reason for wanting them pierced was that I was going to be a movie star and you needed to have pierced ears to be a movie star now I'm pointifact I'm not sure that you do have to have pierced ears to be a movie star

And since nobody was doing anything to you know stage mother me and it was going to be a really long time before I was going to have any possibility to be a movie star so I don't know why I had to have them pierced at 8

but that was kind of the way I was as a kid a lot it was you know things are going to go this way and here's what I'm going to need in order for that to work out

You know I'm going to need to know this land is your land when I'm in first grade which in fact I didn't because I was at two different schools that were not the one where they had been singing that neither of them saying this land is your land and in fact I don't even know if the one I was in kindergarten did it the next year maybe they do a completely new program the next year

But I'm going to need this and so I want it now so I'm prepared

or maybe not even so I'm prepared but I'm enthusiastic about this thing that I'm going to be doing or having or whatever in the future and so I want it now

and if you pressed me about that same time I don't know if it was a little before a little after

I wasn't really all that fussed about specifically being an actress what I really wanted to do

And the strikes me as hysterically funny now

What I really wanted to do was go on the talk show circuit and talk

I loved Johnny Carson

I loved dick cavit

I just wanted to be famous and go on talk shows

And it strikes me that most of the people that go on talk shows don't really want to go and talk shows

But now everything is podcasts

and I don't really have any podcasts that I listen to regularly

That one that you like so much I don't really listen to that I don't really know what they're talking about I'm not really that into sports

And I've listened to some Marc maron and I like him

It's kind of interesting and I haven't listened to any recently so it's may have completely changed but there was something about his podcast that really always seemed to me like it revealed more about him than it did about the people he was interviewing almost

Like you just fundamentally didn't really have the capacity to see inside other people's heads for how they might be feeling about things

And so often he was kind of treading into dangerous territory in some way or another

I haven't listened to it in a while and I don't feel like I'm exactly characterizing it correctly but it always gave me a great deal of empathy for Marc maron and this sort of quality that he has

And I've listened to some s*** what's his name super famous for podcasting fear factor mixed martial arts f*** I can't remember his name That's terrible it'll come to me I would never be a regular listener to his show it goes on for a really long time and I find him somewhat abrasive as a personality He's a little I don't know alpha male and extremely opinionated but the thing I like about him is that you know whatever his preconceived notions are and whatever his bias he really wants to know stuff and even though he's got this very you know dominating alpha male whatever about him he doesn't let it overpower his desire to know stuff and so he doesn't do what you would expect him to do shut people down you know he wants to hear their story they're not their story so much but they're whatever their information is and he wants to understand things break them down

So where you'd expect him to be arguing with people and shutting them down he doesn't he he'll ask him questions he might argue with him a little bit he'll definitely give him his two cents

And he has a really strangely broad range of topics because he's interested in a lot of s***

But you know

He's not really my I don't know

But he is he is kind of out there and he does have some very interesting topics if you can get around the fact that he's him

And I tried listening to your girls and I couldn't really I couldn't really do it

I couldn't really relate

I tried

But I didn't really try that hard

I guess maybe I would rather listen to sports that I don't know anything about than to listen to women talk about their experiences with men

I'm not sure what that says about me

But I don't know maybe it's just

I tend to think well maybe you're just not enough of a girl you know it's very alienating

But I watched all those people talk about their you know funny sexual encounters and I enjoyed that and some of them were women

So maybe it's just

I don't know I I just don't like it

And I sometimes have listened to in a pod save America or left right and center or you know political stuff and that's you know okay sometimes I enjoy it sometimes I don't

Molly Jong fast has one I keep thinking I should listen to

And Alex Wagner has one now well she's had it for a while but I really like her I might like her podcast I don't know

I used to religiously listen to this American life

And democracy now

And Terry Gross

And prairie home companion

And none of those are podcasts to be clear those are radio shows that I really enjoyed

I listened to that Quaker podcast and I didn't enjoy that at all I did like that one girl but I didn't like the guy at all

I don't know what kind of podcast I would like to listen to

I mean I subscribe to people on YouTube and some of them I've watched quite a bit of for a while I was watching makeup videos and now I never watch those at all anymore well I still watch Alice down the rabbit hole That's more about skin care

And I watch painting things

They're all very visual

I'm not sure what I would just want to sit and listen to that didn't have a visual component

I would like I think a podcast where it was something being discussed that I found really interesting and stimulating just not sure exactly what that would be

Anyway

Maybe I'll have to specifically look for a podcast

Anyway I guess I'm going to go to sleep

I love you very much sweetheart 💋

Okay I have to go to sleep now cuz I have to get up in the morning

I hope you're okay

I hope I have an inadvertently said something upsetting

I love you very much 💋

So today was kind of eventful

It was the show in the afternoon and I pretty much slept until that

And the boil band was lifted

So being able to use water straight out of the tap is amazing

I love running water

And you know

For cleaning things up you know you had to boil the water but then that's just a pain trying to wash dishes with hot water that you just boiled and blah blah anyway

So things could be cleaned up and that was great I mean you know they've been cleaned up a little bit but not not great

and I found out that a couple of people that I have identified with for a long time are the same personality type as me that was exciting

And I watch some more paint videos

Cuz watching paint is apparently like really exciting for me

and I talked to my mom that was not all that exciting but you know was kind of necessary

I ordered a new ink I got that in the mail so I got to play with my new ink it's a kind of a blue green kind of a teal color it's pretty I like it

The difference between how the dogs are using language skills versus how cats are using language skills is immensely humorous to me

and I shouldn't really say that as a generalization because most of the animals that I have watched that are trying to talk with the buttons have not been all that exciting or engaging for me

It's really Billi and Bunny

Bunny is trying to ask existential questions

Bunny is trying to understand categories of things

Bunny is trying to interact with her world with language

Billy is trying to use it as a more efficient tool for communicating with her human servant

And the idea that Billi would be telling her mom that her music is not really acceptable

Is so amazingly funny to me

I mean I really don't think that most of the things that Billi communicates to her mom really require buttons

I feel like Billi is humoring her mom

I mean she will use it to try to communicate but mostly I think she's just humoring her mom

But she does use the opportunity

And I just thought that was super duper funny

So I'm sorry if the video has like a bad title or something I really was hoping that I was clear in my amusement

I'm going to the studio tomorrow

I thought my mother had told me she had burst pipes but she didn't so that was awesome

She had frozen pipes which I took to mean the pipe had frozen in it burst but apparently there's an alternate meaning of frozen where it just means that the water wouldn't come out because it was frozen

And I'm not sure if the water really wouldn't come out because it was frozen or if it was because the water pressure was lower or what exactly actually happened

She had the man next door turn her water off for her and then he turned it back on I guess he turned it back on today which makes sense cuz today was the day they said it was safe for us to use it again but she said she'd been using the water all day and that there had been no indication of any you know water coming through the ceiling anywhere or anything like that so that's great it looks like she is unscathed

I don't really like the look of the puckering of my skin on that wound that's healed up but maybe it will improve I'll use some exfoliant on it gentle exfoliant see if I can get it to flatten down some

I'm really not so worried from an aesthetic point of view it's really I don't want to end up with you know little pockets that things can get into and you know what not I mean I guess I can always clean it out but just anytime you've got a little pockets then you're just begging to have something get into them and get infected and cause trouble

I've been off all the tinctures and stuff for a couple of days

Or maybe only one and a half days I'm uncertain

But I feel like I've got some swelling under my armpit on the other arm and it's probably all my imagination it's probably psychosomatic but I want to go ahead and take some lymph clearing stuff because that's one of the things that I haven't been taking for ever long I haven't been taking it

so I mean lots of excitement but not very exciting excitement I mean from an external point of view from my internal point of view it was all very exciting

and I think I'm going to have to figure out a way to go to the art museum

When they built a whole new wing and I haven't been to see it

But now they've got a show I really want to see that just opened and I think I'm just going to have to figure out how to do it

Well unfortunately it looks like it is going to scar

But I'm pretty proud of how fast it healed up

I'm awake

I'm going to sleep for a little while

I love you very much sweetheart 💋

So I don't know today was a better day

I took a shower even though I was a little bit afraid of bacteria in the water

And I tell you what hot water

Is amazing

I could really have stayed in there all day

But I tried to be conservative

I mean I probably still stayed in there longer than I should have if I was absolutely trying to be conservative but

I did my best

and then I just put some hydrogen peroxide on it which hopefully killed any germs that might have gotten into it

I didn't get up early though I woke up at I don't know 12:30 or something but then I just went back to sleep or maybe I didn't go back to sleep but I just laid in bed The cat was packed up tight against me

And I just couldn't get out of the bed

Looks to me like it's healing up pretty well I can't really tell if it's going to scar or not probably a little bit

I checked the reliant website again

And again it doesn't seem as though there's anything scary or wrong with my bill

it's going to be a little higher than it normally would but that's because it's been super cold and there's been heavier usage not because they've added anything on unless they have an added it yet

Add chicken pot pie for dinner

Well breakfast lunch and dinner

And I'm watching a masterpiece theater thing called called poldark

Which I'm quite enjoying

The main character poldark first name is Ross

he looks like a manga He's got this crazy hair and he's got angular features like they usually draw on the mangas and he's got the scarred on the side of his face that looks kind of drawn on like a drip like something that he would have on a manga

and he's like a nobleman but his father was the second son or whatever so they don't live in a fancy manner they live in a kind of a cottagey thing

And it's amazingly beautiful

I love little cottagey things

I put some of the new paints into the new palette that I got for them to kind of dry out because it's got stuff on both sides so you can't really put stuff on the other side until the first side dries out not really sure how long that's going to take and I wanted to put all the schmincke super granulating colors together

Rather than sorting them into color groups so I've got them in a very strange order and I don't know if ultimately it will bother me because normally I put things in kind of a particular order

but these are in a very strange order I've got tundra orange and then forest brown and forest gray and glacier brown and galaxy pink and tundra blue and deep sea indigo and forest olive and I've got two more colors the deep sea green and deep sea violet and they're going to go I guess on the side

Although maybe not

I'd really like to have them on the same side if I could get a little containers to put them in that I could glue down or something I might do that I don't know

really the way I arranged him is so that it'll be visually easy for me to tell them apart if I put all the green looking things together then I'm like well which green is it but you know if I know kind of where I've positioned them and also I put I put the two the tundra orange and the forest brown are the ones that I'm kind of disappointed with like they didn't quite turn out to be like what I thought they were going to be so I've got them on one end to kind of encourage me to use them more and besides I think I'm probably going to use them more in mixes and then the forest olive and the deep sea indigo are very low tinting strength so I've got them on the other end and the glacier brown and the galaxy pink are both very high tinting strength so I've got them in the middle and then I've got the gray and the blue kind of on either side so I think when I look at them it will be very easy to tell what the colors are without my having to look at some sort of a list or a map or anything

Anyway I need to go to sleep I feel like I'm just sleeping all the time

but I've got some stuff on the computer I have to do tomorrow which I haven't done this week I could have done it today I guess but I didn't want to but now I feel fairly confident that the power is going to stay on

So I need to go to sleep and get up you know not early but not sleep all day I got s*** to do

The cat is on the stairs now staring at me He's been up sleeping in the bed I guess but I was going to feed him anyway so his timing is pretty good

But he'll be down to minutes me in a second

He did not like when the heat was out he did not like eating in the dark he did not like snow

He did not mind spending all day in bed

And he seems to have grown a lot more fur I don't think it's possible for him to have grown so much for in that short period of time but he looks you know twice as big as he did before and he ain't less so he couldn't possibly have gained enough weight that he could look significantly larger it's got to be fur but he just seems enormous now

Anyway he's coming to menace me now so I need to feed him and then I'm going to sleep for a little while

I love you very much sweetheart 💋

Well 27° tonight so pretty cold

I checked the electricity account and it doesn't seem as though there are any additional charges it all looks pretty okay

I've had my phone plugged in the whole time because I'm worried that the power will go out again and not come back on and then I won't have battery but it's probably not good for it to be plugged in permanently

I'm about to go to sleep and I'm trying to decide if I should plug it in again or just let it run down

I guess I recharged my recharger thing

And I guess it's not going to be permanently out

So I guess I should just let it be normal so that I don't do something weird

You know how those batteries are

rechargeable phone batteries you do something weird to them and it decreases the battery capacity

Anyway

It still seems very dark outside seems like it should be light by now

And I've just been sleeping for such a long periods of time I'm not really that sleepy but I do feel very tired

I don't feel particularly anxious though so that's good

So I don't know I hope you're doing all right

I guess everything's going to be all right

The water pressure's gotten better

It's still not safe to drink

But if it gets a little higher I might be able to take a shower

I'd really like to take a shower

But I'm worried about getting you know stuff into my healing wound

I mean it's pretty much grown over but there's that one section that I guess I scrubbed off when I was cleaning it that hasn't grown back over yet so still kind of open and I haven't been doing the MSM because you're not really supposed to do that unless you're drinking a lot of water along with it and I'm not drinking a lot of water so it's just healing on its own not MSM therapy

Anyway I love you I'm going to go to sleep not really sure how long I'm going to sleep it's Friday right

I love you very much sweetheart

Goodnight 💋

 i have no idea what i'm like now

I've got pinball wizard stuck in my head

and

I'm not sure

if I can make it stop

Okay well I'm going to go to sleep now

I love you very much sweetheart 💋

So I'm sitting mostly in the dark I've got some candles going and I've got one light on I've just left my phone in charging so that you know it'll whenever the power goes off it'll be as high as it can be and I am on my computer so I am using some electricity but not a lot

I do have the heater on but I have the thermostat set way down so that it's not running it is using some electricity just to be on as opposed to off but it's not running

I took some GABA

And I feel less anxious

And I suppose you could say that I should be making some productive use of this time

But the productive use that I'm making of this time is experiencing it

The one thought I can't get out of my head though is salsa

What exactly is salsa

Anyway

Perhaps counterintuitively my desire to live off grid has never been higher

Okay well now I'm turning the heater fan on so that's increasing my electrical usage a little bit

But I'm trying to be conservative

To help them out with their shortage problem

And we'll see what the bill looks like too

I mean this is a heavy usage when it's on for heating and you know if the heater bill is higher I'm not going to be surprised

but their rate supposedly went way up because they had to buy it on the open market blah blah blah and the way they've got it all set up whatever b******* and supposedly before they turned any power back on they got the right to pass the bill on to the consumer

And I'm supposed to be on a flat rate 2-year contract which I guess I'm in the second year of now or maybe it doesn't start until April anyway I'm supposed to be on a flat rate contract so they should not be able to pass on their $9,000 kilowatt-hour or whatever but we'll see I didn't read the contract closely enough to see if there was a loophole somewhere and I'm not sure even if I had read it closely if I would have caught it because the energy terminology is a little tricky I mean I did read it

but they're saying that there might be some business closing because businesses that are used to having like a $15,000 electrical bill might have a $200,000 electrical bill because they're on variable rate I did not want variable rate because I do not trust them

The whole point of having a contract is that you know how much you're going to be paying otherwise with the point of that

My mother had electricity for the coldest night but she has some burst pipes so she doesn't have any water well I don't really have any water either I have a little trickle

I seem to recall

January was supposed to be the hard month and the rest of the year was supposed to be great it doesn't really seem like a qualifies for great

I mean I'm okay

I'm doing a whole lot better than a lot of other people are I guess I feel like that they didn't really warn me for the right things to prepare for so I'm just really lucky that I'm okay because you know what they told me to prepare for was not at all what we ended up with

I was prepared to be in the house

I was prepared to not be able to go out

I was prepared for short periods of time without electricity that wasn't really what I ended up with

But at this point at least from my experience it's stabilized with you know like a few hours on a few hours off

So you know I'm able to well I was able to cook food anyway I guess cuz I had the camp stove but I don't know I don't know why I'm so anxious

I guess

The being stuck in the house was already getting to me and then going to the studio was really relieving a lot of that but now it's too cold to even go outside and there's ice everywhere

And the power off and on and not knowing not knowing I think a lot of not knowing is what's causing the anxiety

Plus I never really thought I had anxiety growing up I thought I just had depression and then I found out that I have anxiety but I forget

Cuz mostly it's kind of low level

And I don't have it all the time

but for some reason when there's a crisis on top of a crisis on top of a crisis it gets my anxiety up a little bit

But you know even with the 17° weather and the no heat and not knowing the trick about the pot plant pot what do you call those things ceramic no terracotta like terracotta pot and bricks and tea lights to make the stove heater thing for the room of course I don't have that stuff so it's all very fine and good to tell me that I can make that but I can't make that

I do have some tea lights but not very many because mostly what I've got is candles those big like I don't know 32 oz jar candles or whatever it is that you can buy at the grocery store and the pharmacy and whatnot

Whenever those go on big sale I buy a bunch of them for the hurricane supply and then I have a few just you know nice smelling candles too and then I had some other candles so I mean I've got a s*** ton of candles

I think you probably can't throw a rock in here without hitting a candle

not like I'm burning them all at once now but what I mean is when I went looking for candles I had a lot more candles than I thought I had

And for the 17-degree weather with no heat

I pressed into service this wool Peruvian rug that I kind of got as a wall hanging

And then another rug that I had extra that's made out of recycled Coke bottles so it's not breathable so that was handy too

So I mean it was a lot of blankets a lot of blankets and rugs and you know not all of them were like full blankets size it was like every throw and you know whatever and it was actually pretty warm

Except for the top of my head

And I have a hoodie I know I have a hoodie but I could not find it I maybe it's in the laundry or maybe is it possible that I left it at work and just didn't think about it for a whole year I don't know I know I was bad about taking a jacket to work and then forgetting it at work but I did go back to fill in paperwork you'd think if I had left a jacket you know I would have known seeing it somebody would have told me something I don't know I'm going to be very unhappy if I lost my rumble cusp hoodie but I couldn't find it

and I didn't want to go looking in the dark for a hat I hadn't really thought about needing that you know so I ended up just putting the sheet over my head and that worked really good and my first thought was oh my god you're going to suffocate in the night and then I was like you know the sheet is a lot less thick than a mask so you'll be fine and as soon as I thought that I just fell right to sleep I didn't have a problem

because it was weird I had all those blankets and I was wearing you know pants and have this skirt that I'm kind of wearing as a semi-dress thing because I don't know anyway I don't know a lot of clothes and then I was under all those blankets and I was warm I'm wearing socks That's like a sign of the apocalypse

I hate socks

but even though I was under all the blankets and I was warm it was weird because my head I mean it was like I could feel all of my body heat seeping out to the top of my head and so I was warm but I was cold it was a very strange sensation

and as soon as I put the sheet which is not thick I mean it's like a sheet I can't remember if these sheets are 100% cotton I think they are but maybe not maybe they're 50/50 I just don't remember I got them at Sam's and they're supposed to be fancy hotel sheets like 400 thread count or something but they were not real expensive because they were at Sam's

Like years ago when I had a Sam's card

And I just put that over my head and bam no more heat leaking out my head it was weird

Anyway I hope you're doing okay

I don't think your state is having this problem

I didn't even know Texas was on its own power grid I mean I probably did but I forgot

Why do the Republicans only care about power and graft and b*******

I mean they just do not seem to give a damn about actually governing

And in 2010 I think it was 2010 that they gerrymandered the state really bad so it's really hard for Democratic candidates now because they gerrymandered all the districts so that the Democratic areas got split up

I was really hoping that this last election the Texas legislature would go blue but

But no

but you know I don't know how much you know about what goes on in Texas

and I'm not going to say that I know everything that goes on in Texas like that I'm so up to date on all the Texas politics now not saying that

but when El Paso was asking for another morgue truck because they didn't have enough places to put the bodies Abbott was in court saying that the cities didn't have a right to overrule his orders to open restaurants

And the court said that the cities didn't have a right to overrule him so as they're asking for more morgue trucks because they have too many dead people from covet he's making them reopen the restaurants

and then there's the charming lieutenant governor who was the one who said you know we should throw Granny on the funeral pyre so that we could maintain the economy

And then this fiasco

I'm sorry that was a little bit of venting

I'm just kind of frustrated

And the whole country looks at us like we're all just a bunch of Republicans and that is not the case and there are Republicans here

And there are a f*** ton of people that like guns

I just think that it would have been better

This whole situation would have been a little bit easier to deal with if what they had said is you know hey all of our planning and charts and whatever have never taken into account like the whole state of Texas being in the teens temperature wise like ever

And you know panhandle to del Rio in the teens is going to use a whole lot more power than we ever anticipated so you know we don't know what might happen and we're going to try to maintain everything and our plan is to do these 15 minute to an hour rolling blackouts but you know we aren't sure so you know you might want to prepare for extended periods of power outage you know and then maybe we would have thought about well what might we need if we were in super cold weather and the power was out for a long long time like you know 40 hours

Just saying

Because if they had warned us and they had to have known that there was a possibility

so if they had warned us at least they would have warned us you know and if it didn't happen that way well who's going to be unhappy that it's not as bad as it could be right

and now all this well if we don't be really careful then your power might be out for a month well I already don't think a whole lot of their competency so that doesn't make me less stressed

So whatever

I'm okay

You're okay

Everything's okay

I just need to get back to a positive attitude

It's kind of all an adventure

I love you very much sweetheart 💋

So I haven't been able to take a shower since Sunday I think I took one on Sunday yes and I think I might have rubbed with the what wipe a little bit harder than I should have but it's human up pretty good I think

Power's out again

__14.0

The powers on now

It's cycled on and off several times

I feel like I should get up and do things since the powers on but when I'm awake I'm feeling so anxious that I'm almost nauseated

So I've just kind of rolled back over and gone back to sleep

So I've only been awake for maybe an hour and I'm just laying in bed

Honestly kind of trying to go to sleep but I've just been asleep for too long and I can't

I should be hungry

I don't think I've had anything to eat since about 2:30 or 3:00 yesterday

But the idea of food just doesn't sound that good to me

Oh wait that's not true I did eat sometime in the evening

I had a grocery store donut with some coffee

But it's still probably been 16 hours

I dreamed about making this independent movie I don't know if I was making it or if I was watching other people make it I'm not clear

But there was this youngish like maybe in his early twenties African guy

And this girl who was just like slightly nerdy kind of middle-class white girl

And they did this take that was very kind of supernatural I think it had something to do with vampires and something and it was just really good

And they were like okay well that's what we have to do or I'm not sure that they both were like okay that's what we have to do but somebody was like okay that's what we have to do that's great

And then the people themselves

Kept changing or being busy or somebody around them would want to change their image

They kept making the girl more of a popular cliqueish girl she kept getting more and more styled

His schedule kept getting more and more constricted

And then suddenly it was a love story

And then suddenly she was an Indian girl like not native American but Indian

And it ended up being this very very stylized piece where she was represented by this silk scarf that was this kind of chartreuse olive color and he was some kind of woven cloth that was a pattern and it was a kind of a dark hard to describe like ready pinkish orange woven fabric was they're both really beautiful fabrics but you know to begin with they had been doing this kind of you know avant-garde horror film and suddenly they were doing this avant-garde some other kind of thing with color but

And I since I've been painting and stuff I have been having a lot of dreams involving color

And the salient feature was the green color not the slogan if you know what I mean

But yes I'm very very anxious

I'm safe I'm okay

There's no water I don't know if I told you that but the water just went down to a trickle and then they were like the water pressure is too low so you know if you're going to use the water you need to boil it but at the point when they said that there wasn't enough water to get any out to boil so

I have some water set aside and I have some bottled water and some canned water and I think I'm okay and I guess it depends on how long this goes on I'm not okay for a month

But they don't really think it's going to be a month

I'm not really sure about my car

Because you know when you have a lot of freezing you need to have good antifreeze

and I know I had antifreeze in my car but I don't know how long ago it was put in and I don't know how much it might have gotten diluted because when you go to the mechanics if your car needs water they should put water in they don't mix it with antifreeze so the proportion may be off I mean it's never ever something you need to think about here because it's never ever cold or not like really cold like it may get down to freezing but not for an extended period of time

like here if it's going to get down to 35 or 36 they're like hard freeze but that's not hard freeze what we just had that was a hard freeze so I don't know if all the pipes in my car will have burst I don't I just I don't know

Also super cold can drain your battery

And I haven't really been driving enough to charge up my battery anyway

But I just got a new battery not that long ago because the old one died I mean during the pandemic

mostly when I've been going to the studio mostly I haven't been driving myself mostly my mother's been coming to pick me up because that gives me another way to kind of see how she's doing you know plus we get to talk on the way

I don't know

I guess I'll get up

Well that was fun having electricity The power is back off again I don't know whether it's going to stay off this time or whether it will come back on at some point but it's only 34° outside now not 17 and the refrigerator and freezer have had a chance to get back up to cold The apartment has gotten back up to 70 I had a nice long stretch of not being cold so I think I'm going to go to bed and I already adjusted the blanket so that it's not the 17 blankets and two rugs that were on it last night I love you very much 💋

 and

there was a thing i wrote

about another thing that was going on

i did not think you could have seen it

because i reverted it to draft really quick

but

just in case

all the swelling has gone down

one of the whatever they are is gone completely

the second is kinda puffy

like it's broken up but not gone

the third one is exactly like it's been for twenty years

except a little smaller and smoother 

It came back on

so I'm going to use the opportunity

to show you

I heal like a champ

Ok

Power off again

but I got the apartment back up to 65

I was shooting for 70

but it wasn't long enough

Center point says prepare for power outage

So

Who knows

I love you very much💋

 power came on

everything that needs to charge is charging

ground more coffee

make toast, scrambled eggs, and coffee

i am in support of the oxford comma

perhaps counter-intuitively

this morning i could see my breath inside my apartment

frantically running the heater now

expecting power will go out again

cheering crowd of neighbors perhaps do not

i love you

please invent a solar toaster

I've got I should have known better by the beatles stuck in my head 

I'm ok

Abbott is a fuck up

it may be a few days

I love you💋

No power

Grid's down

State of Emergency

I'm ok

Conserving Battery

Okay power went out so it's one of those rolling blackouts they were talking about

And I'm on my phone which is all the way charged up now but I may not be

Online as much

If we're going to have power outages to conserve battery

Love you very much sweetheart 💋

I'm about to start heavy MSM therapy for it since it seems to be working on skin now

I dreamed several things that I can't remember and I'm going to try to get them down

The last thing I dreamed was just kind of funny

I was at some kind of a concert or festival or something I guess and I had like this whole kit

And

I guess I was kind of hosting a watching party or something I'm not 100% sure about that

Maybe it wasn't as official as that maybe it was just people over watching

But anyway not a lot of people

It was you

And

Eric

And don't work talking and joking around

And I was running around doing stuff

But I'm not 100% sure what I was doing

But I must have been making something because I ran in and I needed another pump like kind of like what we used to use at Starbucks for mocha pumps you know you push the button down and stuff comes out but you use it in a big thing so I mean it could have been snow cones or I don't know I don't know what

And you were like oh no what are you going to do

And I was like well I'm going to get the backup pump

I don't bring three of everything for nothing

Then I looked in the supplies and at first I couldn't find one

Then I looked around and I did find it and I ran back

And you seemed very amused

And I wonder ed if maybe you had sabotage the first pump

Or hidden one of the backup pumps

Because it very much had this vibe of

You're trying to mess with me

And it was kind of fun

Although I don't generally enjoy people trying to mess with me

Okay and the other one

My mother and I were

Visiting Shirley in the hospital

In the hospital was very different

And there are all these rules about how that you are supposed to do things

She kept telling the wrong person something not in the specific protocol it was supposed to be done

And that sounds kind of boring but it was

Really very action-packed because she was bouncing around off everybody

I was basically feeling like I was trying to keep a giant blanket wrapped around or so that she couldn't move

But that was just a metaphor I didn't have a blanket

And then I was trying to drive back out on the streets and she wasn't with me so I'm not sure exactly what was going on

And I'm like on Westheimer close to dunlavy I think

Right by the old Weingartens

And I'm almost driven off the road

By these two old apartment buildings really small apartment buildings that are being moved on those wide load kind of trucks

And I saw something

I think it was a billboard

I don't remember what was on it

But in dreams billboards are like metaphors for seeing a sign so that might not actually have been what I saw I don't know

But I knew something was up

And I went back into the hospital and surely was gone

And it was like an alternate version of her history snatched her out of this timeline or something

But my mother was still there and she was confused and she was trying to run and talk to the doctor

But there was some kind of quarantine thing and you weren't supposed to just run up to people and ask them stuff you had to go through some kind of protocol

and sorry it wasn't called quarantine because it wasn't something that was thought of as temporary it was just ongoing because of the health issues that were ongoing

And I guess she was

Like auto restraint or something

I don't know whether that means she was tased or injected with something

Or had some kind of bindings put on her

I don't know it's all really foggy now

But I was like okay well you know I'll talk to her while she's in the state and see if I can get her to understand kind of what's expected of her

Because it's not like she hadn't had it explained before

But she didn't necessarily listen fully

Because maybe she didn't really believe restrictions applied to her

But there was something very interesting in the whole Shirley and apartment building thing and it's sort of lost on me now exactly what was the salient thing but it was at least partially the idea that you could be in an alternate timeline

Of yourself

And see you were doing badly

In another timeline

And do something to actually help yourself in that alternate timeline

But I'm not entirely sure

That running me off the road wasn't part of that plan

Anyway

I love you

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

proof of life

So this is how it looked earlier

I'm less pleased with the healing

see those two divots

not the best configuration

but today it's not red at all

edges seem unproblematic

it's between the size of a quarter and a half dollar

I'm not worried about the far right divot

the more inner one needs to fill in or it will cause trouble

the skin is kinda tight and texture-y

but I think there's some bandage texture impression too

beautiful, huh

it didn't want bandage today

it wanted air

but

I think I might bandage it for bed

probably I should not send you this picture

but

I feel like

I want you to see that it's healing

and

I guess I'm less worried that my breast looks kinda deflated

the not wearing a bra for almost a year did not improve my already not perky breasts

Goodnight sweetheart 💋

I love you very much 💋

Haha I'm faking you out I'm going to bed early

Well it's not really early

But early for me

The last couple of days I have not gotten any sleep or I got some but not very much because I got up to watch the hearings trial thingy

Tomorrow I have to get up and I might have to go to the studio it just depends on what the weather is like

I like the studio

But I don't want to go to the studio tomorrow

I want to watch the thingy although I'm not sure I want to watch the thingy cuz it might just make me mad

And Monday they're supposed to be snow and sleet and stuff so I think probably Monday isn't happening

So I don't know it rained all day today

They don't seem to be sure whether it's going to rain all day tomorrow or not not that rain would necessarily preclude going to the studio but since if it rains for an extended period of time here the chances of it flooding are pretty good one tends to not want to go out if it's raining in less it's critical

I love you very much

I hope you get some good sleep

And I'll talk to you tomorrow

Good night sweetheart 💋

 it's late

i gotta sleep

i love you very much sweetheart

goodnight

So I watched the hearings today or the the trial the senate thing I guess Travis the correct word but didn't seem much like a trial exactly

I thought the case was pretty strong The only place where you could even vaguely argue is sometimes they would say basically let's hear from his followers and they would just give quotes from like a couple there were more I know they're more I've heard more but I suppose you could argue with that if you wanted to

Also there was one point where they said you know and this is what he was watching on TV and I think that might not have been 100% accurate because I think actually that the footage that was available for him to watch on TV at the time that it was going on didn't include some of the things that were shown because they didn't come out until later but again that's just real nitpicky because I mean he saw enough to know what was going on he saw some percentage of that

And there was one more thing I can't remember what it was but it was also a little nitpicky thing otherwise I mean it was super solid

And all that stuff where they showed the where the insurgents were and they showed where theit was just like a map where you could see where things were happening in relation to each other that was really helpful in visualizing and I mean I know that the Republicans are probably not going to vote to give Trump a lifelong ban from office and maybe they're right that they shouldn't because then they won't have any voters

But you know I'm not so sure that those people have those voters you know so I'm not sure they should be so quick to just say oh you know we don't need to have any moral compass we don't need to do what's right let's just set a precedent that it's fine to try to overthrow the government you know I mean it's pretty shameful but I'm also just not sure that the Republicans are really factoring you know

I mean I know they think they need Trump's followers to get elected because it's a big enough percentage of the Republican voters that they can't get elected without them but I don't know there are enough people who

I just think they may not be right about that so they're selling out their country for absolutely nothing and while on the one hand it doesn't surprise me on the other hand it kind of still surprises me a little bit

And I'm not even sure how coherent any of that was anyway so I watched that all day and then I talked to my mom on the phone and she hadn't watched any of it so in fact she hasn't seen any of the coverage of any of it she's read some stuff about it but she hasn't watched any of it I mean any of it

So I was trying to give her kind of a rundown of everything that happened

And that was weird honestly

And then she started talking about what the weather was supposed to do and she told me it's going to snow and sleet on Monday and I checked and that is actually the weather forecast

But then she also said that it was supposed to be two degrees and she wasn't sure which day it was supposed to be two degrees

And I'm like that cannot possibly be right it has never been 2° here I mean it might have gotten as low as in the teens for a short period over night a few times but it's never been 2°. She's like well that's what it says

and I don't know for some reason that was just like the end and I couldn't talk to her on the phone anymore and so I looked up the weather and it doesn't say anything about being 2 degrees I think it's supposed to get to freezing maybe

but then I got to thinking about it and I remembered that her phone was telling her the temperature in Celsius instead of Fahrenheit and so I'm like you know hey Google what is

Yeah it did it came up

Anyway I ask it you know what is 2°, Celsius in Fahrenheit and it was like 35 points up so that's what it is it's not going to be 2°. I'm like I don't even know what to do if it's 2°. I mean I can leave my heater on and I can leave the water drip but that's about you know the extent of what I can do for the frozen pipes if it's 2°, that's I don't even know what I would begin to do because you know that wouldn't be enough probably but I live in an apartment

But if the pipes burst I mean you know Jesus I can't deal with that

Anyway I couldn't figure out how to get her phone switched back she's got an iPhone and they work differently and I just couldn't find it I mean I'm sure if I screwed around with it for long enough I probably could find it but I couldn't find it in the time I was looking so I told her just when she asks it and it gives her the temperature in Celsius for her to just ask what that is in Fahrenheit but she's clearly forgotten that and it's going to be 2°

But snow and sleet is bad enough although realistically it's not going to be real snow it's going to be like a fine powdering of snow that when the sun comes out it will melt in all likelihood

Although who could say I suppose it's possible it's just highly highly improbable

When I looked at my breast this morning it looked a lot better The skin is you know thinking about healing over it's healing over a little it's it's doing something it's not like grown over yet but it's it's doing something and it's a lot less red than it was and it doesn't hurt I was going to sit around with my bra off and not have it covered up with bandages cuz I think it will heal up or scab over or whatever faster if it gets air to it but by the time I got out of the shower it was kind of irritated and I decided not to so I'm still in the bra

Okay well of course I slept late so I stayed up late but I want to get up and watch the thing tomorrow so we'll see if I'm able to wake myself up

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

__22.6

 ok

officially 0.4 under my pre-diet, pre-lockdown weight

in fact

on the calendar

last week of january 2020

so, like, only 11 more pounds to lose to be

at pre-lockdown weight

my breast itches

like things that are healing itch

I was painting this evening and since I was using my palette at home I was using the rosemounted array rose madder dore

And I think I can tell you what the difference is The colors are almost identical but the undertone is different and the luminous quality is different so like the French vermilion seems like the color of the lacquered box that your grandmother brought back from indochine

Where the color that your family has traditionally painted the door it's more opaque looking in its mass tone although I think it's a semi-transparent color okay Kitty hang on no no no I'm not ready Kitty I'm not ready

The doray is more like the rouge nipple of the cherub or the Venus

It's red it's rougie but it has kind of glowing through it like underneath this pinky quality and the color just looks when you've got a color that's two colors that want somehow it looks more luminous it's just such a beautiful color from the minute I saw it on that video I was just in love with it but I like the vermilion too but they're so similar I just I cannot really see having both of them on the same palette

Anyway Kitty is rushing me cuz I'm in the bed and he's like got to go to sleep got to go to sleep so I'm going to sleep for a little while

I love you sweetheart 💋

Do you know for hours I've been trying to figure out kind of low-key in the back of my mind what movie that could possibly be

I even went to Wikipedia to check and see if there was one that I had missed and I don't believe there is

I can only think of one movie that it could be from but I didn't entertain that

And then I went to Google and I typed in the quote to see if it brought up anything other than that and it did not

So now I'm not sure if I'm stupid

Or if I'm a sucker

My revised assessment is that I probably will either not get a scar or it will not be a permanent scar sometimes I get scars and they you know last for a little while but then they go away

I have a bunch of scars on my arm from where my cat cut me but that is because those times that he cut me I was accidentally taking more nattokinase than I thought I was I was taking high doses of nattokinase and high doses of what I thought was Serapeptase but it turned out that it was a blend of Serapeptason nattokinase and so I guess I just didn't have enough of whatever you need to knit skin back together and so I have a bunch of scars from him but mostly I don't have a lot of scarsand I guess these are only a couple of years old they may go away but I don't think they will

Well I guess it depends on what you mean by scars I mean you could still see all my stretch marks

On my breasts and my hips and my stomach too got a lot of stretch marks You could still see him but they're all just kind of a shimmery slightly lighter than my regular skin color not like red or whatever but I guess those are scars so maybe I do scar

but whatever what I mean is I'm not going to have like a giant dent in the side of my breast

It's healing up what I would call pretty well I don't feel any residual lumps or swelling or anything I don't feel any I mean the wound itself is still sore if I press on it but there's no place else that's like oh that feels wrong I seem to have a pretty full range of motion

They're still a little bit of pus-y stuff on the top

But for the most part it looks pretty good and it seemed to be less deep this morning maybe it wasn't maybe it's just that it was a dark pink instead of red and so it seemed less deep I don't know

Mole nachos are not bad

They're not quite as good as I thought I think they need maybe some kind of green sauce hot like hot green sauce but you'd have to be careful with that or it would overpower the taste of the mole

I don't know I just was feeling like there was something else they needed that would have made them better so they were okay they weren't amazing of course it was just bottled mole sauce cuz I don't know how to make mole and if I was going to make mole I mean I don't have one of those big not sure what kind of I think they're made out of lava rock those big Mexican mortar and pestle things I've always kind of wanted one but you know I don't really have any use for it they take up a lot of space so when I worked at that place they carried them and periodically they would have them on sale and every time I would be like oh and then I would go what are you going to do with that

And they're heavy as f*** and they kind of scrape up your hands so really they're more like designed to have you know in your kitchen in a place where you're not moving it around a lot You've got it like on the workspace but if you don't use it then there's no reason to do that and I'm kind of out of cabinet space for random things

I mean I did buy the big big black clay I don't know what you call it it's like a hot pot it's like it to Gene it's like a casualty pot it's a big clay cook pot but it's that Mexican black clay and I was like oh I've got to have that and that was a silly purchase but not as heavy but it does take up a lot of space in my cabinet

Ooh but I don't know if I've ever mentioned this I love that oaxacan black clay pottery I love it

I have like a whole list of these things that you know like the African masks and sculptures

And those I think they're from Oaxaca too The fantasy animals and the Oahu and black clayI feel like there's a third thing from Oaxaca that I love too but I can't remember right at this particular moment what it is are the huichiol from Oaxaca?

No I sort of didn't think so

Oh well it'll come to me

What are you doing tonight

Well I'm revising my opinion I think it may not scar

It still does not look great

And I am beyond sick of wearing a bra

But I think I'm going to live

I hope you're doing okay

I love you very much 💋

Today's not a very chatty day I guess

Okay I just got done showering and bandaging

And note to future self

12 hours is too long to go without changing bandaging

The bandage was pretty convincingly stuck

and even with letting the water run on it and everything it was stuck

So it ended up kind of pulling off some of it

And that was super super unpleasant

I was kind of afraid to use the soap on it because it just looked so raw but I did and it was fine

I didn't get any more pus out of it

There is a little bit of a pus-y looking thing left

But it's pretty surface looking

and then I'm sorry this is gross but I have to tell you this

some time ago there was a video I don't know if you saw it but it was this Australian person who had what they said was a skin cancer and they put some kind of black balm on it and it worked its way out and fell off onto the table it looked like a hamburger

Did you ever see that it was like can't look away disgusting

well that is kind of like what this thing looks like now I just have this big like circle that's raw and all the pus had come to all the infection and pus it come to the surface and it seems to be pretty much gone except for this one little secondary place

So it looks really gross but I do not believe there is more pus in it that's going to reform

I may have a scar

I don't strictly speaking scar very badly

like I'll usually have a scar for a while but it'll usually go away but I can't say it's a pretty big indentation

So I think I probably should not go very long without changing the bandaging and I put triple antibiotic ointment on the bandaging because clearly it's going to stick either way maybe if the bandaging is more moist and slick it will be less likely who could say but at any rate they'll be antibiotic on it

It won't be able to breathe but I don't know if it was breathing before so I don't know I'm going to bed now when I get up I'm going to have to take a shower then and check it and change the bandaging not say oh I'll go do things first

So I know that 12 hours is too long to go between bandage changings so I'm going to try to get up by noon and try to do that we'll see how that goes

I hope you're doing all right

7th inning stretch 💋

Okay I am going to go to sleep

After I take my shower and check on my thing

I've been kind of honking it all day though and it I mean I'm not doing it super hard but it it's not really hurt so I suspect that it's healing up

My nipple's a little sore

But I don't have any particular reason the things that that's a reason to be alarmed

I love you sweetheart 💋

I didn't see it

I was aware that it was happening but I forgot that it was a buy a ticket kind of thing

So I thought I'd be able to watch it later and doesn't look like I can watch it later

So I'm sorry

I feel better today

I slept till like 5:00 or something

The whole thing seems less sore

But I didn't take a shower yet and check on it I was hungry and then I was doing things and I just haven't done it yet

When I went to bed it looked pretty bad

It had stuck to the bandaging cuz it all drained out and I didn't pull it off or anything I got in the shower and let the water kind of soak into the bandaging but it was all open and the whole area and it was draining pretty freely

It wasn't really a way that I could press it or really encourage a whole lot more out of it I did get some so I packaged it up with two gauzes and it looks to me like it sunk through some more

I don't know if it's all healed up I haven't looked at it yet I feel very happy because it really hasn't hurt very much at all and I haven't felt sick and toxic just very tired

and I guess I'm really wanted to look at it because I'm afraid it might not be as good as I feel like it is afraid is a strong word I just want to continue to feel like I'm all better

Anyway I'm drinking that tea now and I guess I could have some more of the chlorella but I mean not chlorella sea clear with the shilajit but I'm not really hungry

Crap it's really late it's about 2 hours later than I thought it was

I'm not all about the focus or I guess I am all about to focus I'm just not all about the big picture focus I'm about to rabbit hole focus

I hope you're doing okay I meant to go to sleep about an hour ago cuz I need to get up by noon cuz I got some stuff I got to do today

I guess I'm not going to get as much sleep as I thought I was cuz I'm definitely going to take a shower before I go to bed

I love you sweetheart

So I don't know if you remember not really any reason that you should remember but like about a year ago now I bought some freaky health food stuff that I was going to eat in my weight loss adventure

and I know that I've mentioned enough the freaky kind of foods I like to eat that you know I like to eat freaky health food kind of foods

But one of the things I got was this thing called seaclear

And it's basically chlorella and miso and it's all fermented and blah blah it's supposed to chelate metals pressing since sliced bread right

Well you know even though I like kelp oh it's kelp and chlorella and meso and apple cider vinegar

Oh I didn't really like it so you know and almost immediately afterwards there was the whole pandemic thing and I just kind of forgot about it

I mean it's been in the refrigerator but I have not been eating it

And I had an omelet with some goat cheese and mushrooms and pico de gallo when I got up but I was you know hungry again cuz it was like two thirty or something so I was like well you know you could not eat and then you would be intermittent fasting

And I didn't really want anything but then I thought about that see clear and I'm like let me give that another try cuz I really kind of want something like that

And you just mix it in with boiling water so it's super fast and easy so I made some up and I'm like yeah it still is kind of apple cider vinegar and yucky

But then I remembered that I had some Sheila sheet. HaHa shilajit

And when I mixed this is a pretty big mug I'd say it's about 16 oz maybe it's 18 oz I don't think it's as much as 24 cuz it's smaller it's my hot tea mug anyway I put a tablespoon of the sea clear and about I don't know maybe a half a teaspoon maybe 3/4 of a teaspoon I don't have a measuring thing well I do but I don't use them anyway and I mixed it in and it was like perfect and I sat here and drank it and it's one of the first things in a long time that I have consumed that I've said that really feels like it's energetically helpful

And in fact I liked it so much I'm having another one

My melatonin came so I can take that before I go to bed

And I'm going to have to take another shower before I go to bed

You're supposed to use warm compresses but I mean nobody's got time for that a cloth does not stay hot so basically I'm standing by the sink I'm putting hot water on the cloth I'm slapping it on my breast I'm walking around naked and then I walk around and then have to go back in and heat up the cloth again I mean it's just exhausting I guess I don't have to walk around I could just stand by the sink but that's I don't know no fun nobody got time for that so what I've been doing is taking these long hot showers where I'm basically running the water on it and then I kind of lather it up with the pine tar soap and let it sit like that for a few minutes and then I kind of run the water on it again and periodically I'll you know kind of press and see if anything is looking like it wants to come out

I know this is gross I'm sorry

So when I got up and I did that earlier it did not seem like anything was going to come out and then I'm like well I'm not going to f*** with it cuz I don't want to make it worse so I have my breast and the stream of water and then I kind of turn away and then it looks like it's kind of doing something so I go back to the water but you know there's a limit to how long you can stand in the shower before it just gets to be a bit much so after a while I got out and I was like okay well I'm done for now and

I didn't immediately I don't know what I did I went to get my shirt maybe or something and when I came back I must have moved my arm in some way that compressed my breast I don't know I don't know what I did but it had basically spurted all this bloody fluid stuff down the front of me so I'm like well okay

So I didn't want to put triple antibiotic or anything occlusive on it because you know it's draining That's what I wanted to do so I just put my bra back on and put some gauze in there

And it's I mean it's been hours it's been I don't know at least 10 hours

During which I've been taking all the things well not all the things I haven't taken poke route because I don't feel safe taking that more than once a day

But whatever

Lots of things

So I got up and looked in the mirror and it has drained enough that it has gone through the gauze and through the side of my bra so while I was tempted to not do the long shower before I went to bed because I'm tired and I don't want to do it but I have to do it because I have to get this out

But I feel somewhat less toxic than I did which maybe because a lot of it has drained out or maybe because of the sea clear

I also had this I guess you would call it tea it's powdered herbs and you mix it in hot water so it's not exactly like what I think of as tea but I think technically that's how you describe it or maybe it would be a tissane since it doesn't have any tea in it

But it's something else I got at the same time and it's designed to kind of balance female metabolism and whatnot it's supposed to cut down on damp chi damp stomach chi

and I think I must have not mixed enough of that in before when I tried it cuz I didn't like it either when I got it but today I had it and I had it before the sea clear I'm like oh wow cuz I had had a giant glass of water with a lot of lemon in it

Cuz I was like well I want coffee and I want iced tea and I don't think either of those things are going to have any nutritive benefit to me but lemon water should help so I drank an enormous glass of lemon water with a lot of lemon like danger to my teeth quantities of lemon

and I finished that and I was like I really want coffee with soy in it and I'm like well if this is just caused by excess estrogen and I don't think introducing an estrogenic factor into your body is going to be terribly beneficial right now

And then I'm like well I want iced tea and I'm like well do you really because sometimes if I'm not feeling so great iced tea isn't the best when I was a kid iced tea if I drink it you know on an empty stomach or in the morning or anything like that it would make me kind of nauseated cuz I think because the tannins and it's been a long time since I've really had that problem but I was having it the other morning when I was drinking iced tea in the morning and so it's like a maybe I don't really want that and I went to the cabinet and I saw the it's called shape shifter it's made by the same guy that makes the sea clear

And it says use a half a teaspoon in a cup of hot water but I'm like yeah that's not enough That's not going to have any flavor so I mixed about a half a tablespoon in and it was delicious it was absolutely delicious

My cat has just thrown up his hands and despair of me I'm not awake when I'm supposed to be awake I'm not asleep when I'm supposed to be asleep I'm taking multiple showers a day and he thinks showers are revolting just the idea that you would stand in a thing with water pouring over your head is just like he's fascinated by it but disgusted by it at the same time

So now I'm taking multiple showers a day at not really the right times of day He's going to freak the f*** out when I go take a shower now He's going to be like this is not this is not right and it upsets him

I was going to have bison for my meats this week on my meat days or low-carb days whatever meat days and the imperfect produce they didn't send my bison they confirmed it on my order but they sent me boneless skinless chicken thighs now I don't have anything against boneless skinless chicken thighs but I didn't plan meals around boneless skinless chicken thighs and I didn't want boneless skinless chicken thighs and I sort of think that boneless skinless chicken thighs are less expensive than bison although I mean maybe not I don't know but I emailed them and haven't gotten a response back yet so I don't really know if I'm clear to eat them I mean surely they're not going to come pick them back up and take them away and deliver me some bison I surely what they will do is either refund the difference between what I wanted and what they gave me or just refund the cost of the thing I wanted that they didn't give me and give me the chicken for free My suspicion would be the first one

but the only thing I can immediately think of that I would enjoy made with chicken is chicken soup and these don't have breasts to make bone broth so I'm uncertain

I mean I guess I could just you know bake them or roast themI don't think I have any dried rosemary I have herbs de provance

I mean I'm kind of bummed about it and chicken thighs are hiring fat and maybe calories too I'm not sure than bison

But all I can think is that chicken rice casserole you know with the Campbell's cream of chicken soup

Or maybe chicken cacciatore

Or maybe you know something with rice or potatoes or some other kind of starch you know chicken salad sandwich

But it probably happened for some reason so maybe I will think of something brilliant

And I'm not sure whether I'm doing that formula now anyway because today was supposed to be the day I ate fish and then I had the omelet

I'm just basically kind of going by what I feel okay to eat right now

Chicken mole I would like chicken mole

Chicken mole nachos

Refried black beans chunks of chicken mole that white Mexican cheese that sounds pretty tasty but it does not sound low carb or healthy f***

I hope you're doing okay

I love you very much sweetheart 💋

Goodnight

 __25.2

i haven't started my diet yet

i've lost 4.6 pounds being sick

i slept about 12 hours today

i'd say this all has the feeling of something

happening for a reason

maybe i need more sleep

maybe it is cleaning me out of all toxin and disease

idk

i'm not enjoying it

but i have time for it now

maybe i'm supposed to have chickweed

which according to susun weed emulsifies fat from your body

maybe i need more sleep

idk

but i feel some larger force at work with my health systems

so

we shall see

Well my breast is making another pass at the cyst

Or boil or whatever

I thought I got it all out but I knew there was a possibility that I didn't

So it kind of hurts

Not all the time just if I touch it or move in particular ways

But I can see where it's forming so

Maybe tomorrow it will go ahead and come to a head 

In the meantime I did eat today I've been barely eating for several days because I just felt kind of sick and the idea of food was gross I did eat today

I didn't drink coffee though and right now I'm drinking water with lemon juice in it

I probably would have gone to bed earlier but I fell asleep in the chair

So whatever it's not a big deal it gives me an opportunity to take more doses of medicine

Blah blah blah not interesting

I'm probably going to sleep in tomorrow

So I got a couple of new brushes

I've been planning to get a 1-in square brush for a while but I just haven't seen the right one and it's not like I needed it for a specific thing I just thought if I had a square brush I'd be able to do some cool stuff

But historically I'm kind of around brush painter

I did not use a square brush very much when I painted with oils or acrylics although I did use it some I think I mostly am around brush painter

but they were having a sale 50% off on brushes

And I was looking at these Robert Simmons sable and synthetic mix I think and they look pretty good

I don't have any sable brushes all the brushes I have are synthetic and I'm quite pleased with the ones that I have

And I think when I was painting with acrylic paint I had like an old Windsor and Newton one inch tacklon brush

Attack on one of the earliest good quality synthetics and this was a pretty old brush that I got from my mom maybe or maybe I had it from when I painted I don't know where I got it to be honest with you but I sort of think I got it from my mom as something she wasn't using anymore and they still make it so I thought about getting one of those but it's like super extra springy because it's essentially nylon you know so when you paint with it you get this extra springy action that's sometimes good and sometimes bad

So I was thinking about it I just was not sure that's what I wanted

and you know sable brushes are supposed to be like the best brushes but I really wasn't wanting to get any natural hair brushes to paint but I was wanting to have all synthetics because you know they last well it's not so much that they last longer but they don't require as much care You know if you've got a nice sable brush you need to be careful with it and I just wanted one to buy an expensive brush I was going to have to be careful with and then I saw this one in square brush that's part sable and part synthetic and it just looked and felt right you know it also it's this beautiful blue color handle and Lucy the woman who works there she's like oh those are really good brushes and they're being discontinued now I don't know that they're discontinuing making them maybe they're going to discontinue selling them I don't know but at any rate they had one left of the one inch one and I was like okay well you know at 50% off

They're a small art store and their prices are not competitive with you know stuff you can get online but you know

I'd like to support local businesses as opposed to just buying everything online and so far as I can and actually at 50% off there about the same maybe a couple of dollars cheaper so that all dovetailed nicely

I was down looking for a particular kind of paper that I wanted to get more of that you know they don't have and I don't even know whether it's available anymore surely it is somewhere but then Lucy told me that the brushes were on sale and I was like oh so I got that one and then I got this other one that's just straight up synthetic that's a Princeton series brush and Princeton brushes are supposed to be pretty good generally

This kind is really nice to paint with because it has this kind of slightly rubberized finish so the the brush doesn't slip around in your hand and whatever I mean it's not necessary but it's certainly nice and it's what's called a long round which is kind of like a cross between around and not quite a rigger

A rigger is one of those brushes that's thin and really long so you can get you can paint along continuous line very easily I didn't know what they were called but I was familiar with them from my father's sign painting that can't recall ever being introduced to the concept in any of my painting classes but the long round still has a wider belly like a regular round brush so it holds lots of water or paint or whatever but rather than tapering to a point while the tapers to a point but it's a much longer point so you're able to get even though it's like a 12 brush you can make really small lines with it

now one of the brushes that I have that's a synthetic I can't remember the name of the synthetic fiber anyway it's a synthetic very springy very springy fiber and you can make pretty thin lines with that I've made thin lines with it in my paintings but it's hard to do a thin long line you know because the you're essentially drawing like with a pencil you've got a little bitty tip of the brush and you're drawing with the tip of the brush whereas with this one you're not just drawing with the tip of the brush you can kind of drag it along and use it like a rigor so I was able to make a lot of very tiny lines but then also with the square brush I could make really tiny lines too if I adjusted how the paint was in the brush so I really enjoyed that painting today because I could do you know stuff that I couldn't do before get nice smooth blocks you know whereas with a round brush I mean you can paint square shapes but they don't come out as like a smooth block of color which you know often isn't what I'm looking for but I just really liked it and it's a slightly different and limited palette because I don't have my regular palette at the studio so I was just painting with some paints that I went through and pulled out of my mom's watercolor box she hasn't been painting with watercolors but she has watercolors that are you know super old and some of them kind of separate but you know but these whole bun and sunilia colors they're pretty solid One of the colors that I like a lot is actually discontinued in sunilia's line currently I have a color it's very very similar though so it's not like the end of the world but the sunili has a nice like luminous quality to it it's fun to paint with and the red is French of vermilion which is very close to the sunilia red that I have and I was kind of trying to decide if there's any point in painting with both of them since they're so similar but I think there's a slightly different quality to it so I don't know I would probably have to paint with them side by side to decide I'm not sure if they're interchangeable

So that's what I'm doing

Also

I love you very much sweetheart

Goodnight 💋

Goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much 💋

I just had the most amazing dream 

I'm not sure what year it was supposed to be set in or if it was specifically in America

It was a kind of about these two

I started to call them kids but I'm not certain that they were underage they were just very very young

And they might have been in the military base

I'm just not 100% certain

I know towards the beginning they were going to eat and they were shooting and he helped her get there safely and that kind of cemented her good feeling towards him

He had kind of remade himself from kind of a quiet shine nerdy guy into kind of a badass

By just working out a little and changing the way he dressed

But then the story was going through

And they're kept paying all these kind of amazing parts where they would show

Like historical footage of things like the movie they were in and it seems clear why they were in a movie based on something that doesn't make any sense or I can't remember now

But it would contain this amazing scene

And they were several of them but I could only just remember this one where it had a whole bunch of people and they were like singing it was like a musical number but it was about

I'm not sure now what it was about

I think it might have been about drugs it was very surreal it was like a whole line of people

And they were kind of sitting up and then they kind of laid down and rolled towards the camera and they were shrouded in black and I don't know I wish I could remember it a little clearer it was very very dramatic

Also

There was somebody who was very very famous

Kind of a well not really like anybody else

But she kind of reminded me of Queen latifah

I know Queen latifah started out as a rapper and then was an actress and then was more of a respected personality but that isn't I don't think the transition that this person's character went through

But I mean I think the point was that she was like a household name she was very very famous and everybody loved her

And then for some reason we were getting our story and she started off as kind of this poor down and out kind of pudgy fat black Asian street kid

And I think she was a boy

And somehow the only thing that made her feel good was to put on gold and become this fancy person and so over the years she just acquired more gold she would buy it you know used in pawn shops whatever but just things that went together so she had this eye I guess and so over the years she became just completely drenched in gold chains and whatever and she had become this personality who would post things

I have a commentary interactive commentary and was one of the countries more famous people

And then for some reason

Explained that she started off as as a boy

And had to build herself up

From scratch

And it started this whole

Like

Gender movement

And

It was different

It feels kind of tight

And I'm just worried that it's starting to swell up again

And I was like I know I have something I know I have some tincture or something

That is specifically for cyst

And I do

Chickweed

 i love you

i'm gonna try to sleep

not even vaguely tired

ordered some melatonin

maybe that will help me

breast aches but looks better

cat walked up

put his claw into my cuticle with surgeon-like skill

i yelled at him and vaguely swatted him

he is now freaked out and in hiding

probably planning a stealth rebuttal attack

my mother, today, hand to god, says

remember the linen shirts we bought in marfa

well, i have a bunch of linen

and the guy in the studio next door could probably use that

as a pattern and make us a bunch of linen shirts

goodnight sweetheart

i love you very much