I didn't actually fall back asleep so it just kind of been laying in the bed thinking
Which I think
Is perhaps
Something I should do more
But I was visualizing laying in the bed with you
And we were just kind of snuggling
And playing around
Then it kind of morphed into this whole big like sexual thing
And I was kind of startled
Not like oh in the moment I'm startled that this thing is happening but like some more meta thought what the hell is going on with me
Because you know I used to have a lot of sexual thoughts but I don't anymore
And this was pretty intense
And then I remembered what sex is like
And I quite honestly have kind of forgotten
But I remembered pretty viscerally
And then I thought you know
My whole body is tense and wound up really tight most of the time which is maybe part of why I don't feel very good
And I could really use some release
And then I realized
But I'm having an extreme amount of anxiety
I don't mean it's the pandemic stuff is going on
I'm not saying anxiety is not a reasonable response to it but I haven't been extremely aware of anxiety
And actually when I was on antidepressants
One of the things that I realized I don't remember if I realized while I was taking them or if I realized it when I stopped taking them but while I was aware of the depression I had a great deal of anxiety that I was not aware of
And I've been thinking of myself as very relaxed
But I'm not I'm very anxious
And I'm shallow breathing
But I feel a little bit more
I don't know maybe alive it's the right word for it
Somewhat sexually aroused
