Okay so this dream that went on for a long time and it seemed to be about organic foods and lifestyle I guess

People kept modifying things to make them supposedly organic

And various different ways

And I don't remember all the ways

But there were these two girls and maybe they were in college I'm not even sure they were in college but they had this machine and I'm not sure where they got the machine or how they got the machine but they were altering things

And people really liked what they were coming up with so they just kept doing it

They would produce big batches of things but I'm not sure they had the ability to replicate any of the things they were doing

In the machine it was kind of a spinning cylinder somehow

and there was one point in the dream where the one girl she just was spinning and spinning and spinning and spinning and spinning and spinning

And then suddenly

Oxnard Apple

And it was kind of big

And tall

And angular

And somewhere between yellow and green in color

And people wanted it

I mean they really wanted it

And they were trying to figure out how they could grow big crops of it but they couldn't

Cuz they weren't making organic food That's just what everyone was calling it but it wasn't it was actually designer genetically modified food

And that's what everybody wanted

Organic food

Then there was another part

There was a big trend

Using all these maybe natural scented items

So like you're bathroom experience in the morning

Your home morning routine with skin care

But more importantly like the whole sensory experience

your bathroom was supposed to be this little separate building that had a lot of glass so you could see the natural world and so people started building them as like these separate structures that they walked out to and had this morning's in like experience

It was like manipulating your moods for the day with products

And of course probably too many products to be actually healthy

And then

I'm not sure if it was a trend

Or if it was just a thing that was happening where I was but

Like people would be living in a section of someone else's house

And as part of their living there they would have functions they had to perform like they lived across the hall from the children's rooms so if the children had any problems or woke up in the night they had to go take care of them

And I was like I really don't see how this is compatible with the whole bathroom thing

Like you don't even have your own individual place to live but you're supposed to have this whole individual bathroom situation

Oh and then they decided

And I'm not sure again if this is something that everybody was doing or if it was just where I was

But they decided that the bathroom

Was separated it's two very different functions

The skincare and the morning routine with all the different scents and everything that was one part

And that was very ritualized but very conceptualized and productive and whatever

But the actual bodily function part

That you were supposed to do like you were producing fertilizer for some sort of very posh garden

Using certain soils to go into and certain sorts of leaves to wipe with

And I just could not deal with it

And then there was this other part

Were birds or doing some kind of news

and they were walking around on the stainless steel counter service area

And I was talking to someone

To all these dreams I didn't really seem like me it was more like I was a character in the dream and I was just looking through their eyes but it wasn't actually me

But then in this section I was talking to someone in it seemed like it was you but didn't really look like you either

And you were telling me how the birds were becoming more and more

I'm not sure if it was intelligent

Or genetically uplifted it's had something to do with genetics

17% increase in something

Maybe the DNA they shared with us

And I kept wiping down the counters

And trying to look the birds in the eye

and I'm not sure I've gotten this all in the right order I actually think it ended with Oxnard Apple

 i love you

i am going to sleep now

i am looking forward to how good i'm going to feel in the morning

i can't wait to see what the universe has in store for me 

i am open to ideas

i am open to solutions

i am open to you

goodnight sweetheart

I dreamed I was living I guess I was living in a college and there were a bunch of people live in there who were interesting really interesting people

And somehow they had just missed whatever their thing was so they thought they were going to do something but then they didn't do it

Instead they just went about their very normal lives and very normal boring ways

But they contained like multitudes or whatever

And there was this person who was the main character of the dream

And she was not sure I guess she was an assistant or a girlfriend assistant or something

And she started talking to some people

And maybe they were people from per class or maybe they were people from her year or maybe they were just people around she's hot we're really cool I don't know

But it was these two friends and they were

One of them was extremely introverted and he was like I'm not kidding he was like Paul Simon

I mean it sound was different or whatever but he had the poetry and the very distinct sound

And then his best friend he somehow had a sound that blended with it and made a hole just next level different thing

And she hung out with them

And she tried to get them

To play gigs with her at the student union or court or something

And they just didn't want to do it they were comfortable with whatever they were doing

And then there was this lesbian couple and I guess one was a professor and the other was a resistant

And the professor was fine but the assistant was like funny and brilliant and observant

And the main character thought she should really be writing because she had such a viewpoint that was brilliant and whatever

but she seemed comfortable with whatever she was doing and she wasn't interested

And so it's the main character she's like well I'm not happy with whatever I'm doing

I'm going to write all these people's stories

So that's what she started doing

But there were all this kind of complicated rules about how things were done that she had to negotiate

And she wrote about those too

Then strangely she ended up

Some kind of thing to do with insurance and car tires and she was digging pieces out of her tire that don't really understand what that was about

Before I went back to bed cuz I had gotten up so I had to pee and I felt like I was wide awake but I wanted to get a little bit more sleep like I wanted to sleep until 9:30 maybe so I set my alarm I think for 9:30 and I was meditating

And I was doing that thing where I was talking to God or the advanced part of myself or whatever and saying you know I know that you want to help me and you want to do well for me and maybe what I really should focus on right now is feeling healthy and pain-free so I was visualizing myself feeling good and not having any pain but I wasn't thinking about it in terms of not having pain cuz you can't do that You can't bring up the pain so I was just visualizing myself in that way that I just now woke up like 5 hours later having had this really intense dream that I can't remember all of you know like I can't remember all the specific and really important details I've just got broad strokes

And I do have some stuff I have to do today so I didn't plan to sleep this late so I don't know what that's all about because all I've been doing I feel like is sleeping I shouldn't have been short on sleep

I dreamed I went on a road trip to some place that used to live I think and I talked to some people at a radio station about some underground radio programs

They were like late night radio but they were like late night live radio that was transmitted from these like underground clubs and stuff

I got to know all the people and communicate with them I might have even taken some drugs

And also I dreamed about some gallery and it was some gallery I knew something about had some affiliation with in the past but I'm not clearing exactly what it is

And they were having some trouble

I remember somebody was there shopping and they said oh that's too graphic

And I thought that was kind of funny because somehow that had shown up in my life a bunch of times recently I don't know in the dream

And the smart ass person behind the counter

Said why don't you just take a bunch of pictures of it and use the one with the lowest quality exposure

And for some reason I thought that was funny

Maybe because the play on words of the different ways that graphic could have been meant

And then they were talking about some problems they would they were having and my mother even though she really didn't know anything about with their problems were and even though the person who was complaining about them was not the person whose studio I mean who's gallery it was it was the employee so you know they weren't in a position to do anything about it she was giving them all this unsolicited advice that was irritating them

And then I looked in this closet it was kind of a strange positioning of the closet it was like the gallery had two rooms and in the middle of the two rooms was kind of a half wall so it kind of wait that's not clear not half height wall but half the room wall so it kind of flowed in from one room to the other without your being able to see through the whole area and in this half wall was a closet that was just a very narrow closet that was wide enough to have like clothes hanging and they were hanging kind of in the middle and there were doors on either side so you could reach half the clothes on one side and half the clothes on the other side but you could see through if you looked in the door could see through to the other end and see the whole inside of the closet and in the closet they were two rows one higher up and one lower down and the top bar thing had all these white linen shirts that looked all exactly the same they had like a little tiny ruffle around the collar going down the front of the shirt and they had like some tiny ruffles on the sleeve on the cuff and they were dusty

And I was pointed about to my mom because somehow they were related to somehow we were affiliated with this gallery in the past and they were items that we had had or something The second row was the same exact style of shirt but they were just black linen and they were also dusty and then there was a row of boxes underneath those two so it was like you know all the way across the bottom well not all the way across like say 3 ft on one end 3 ft on the other end and then there was a space in the middle

It's just kind of weird

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

 so i put batteries in the scale

and

i gained 18 pounds during the pandemic

if you count from where i was when it started

my lockdown that is

if, however, you count from where i was

before i lost weight with the whole chlorella thing

then just 7

so

i guess good thing i did that, huh

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

So

I lay down and fell asleep

at about 2pm

and I just woke up a couple hours ago

I made that rice that I said was so delicious

And baked acorn squash

And the acorn squash is the most delicious thing that I have ever tasted in my life

The rice is kind of gross

Same rice same brand of rice same broth same brand of broth obviously different actual package of broth but I can't imagine there's a huge variation between batches

So I don't know it's really weird

I feel really weird

Again not sick

I'm not saying I got the rona

Okay I think whatever is going on with me at least in part involves hormones

I didn't actually fall back asleep so it just kind of been laying in the bed thinking

Which I think

Is perhaps

Something I should do more

But I was visualizing laying in the bed with you

And we were just kind of snuggling

And playing around

Then it kind of morphed into this whole big like sexual thing

And I was kind of startled

Not like oh in the moment I'm startled that this thing is happening but like some more meta thought what the hell is going on with me

Because you know I used to have a lot of sexual thoughts but I don't anymore

And this was pretty intense

And then I remembered what sex is like

And I quite honestly have kind of forgotten

But I remembered pretty viscerally

And then I thought you know

My whole body is tense and wound up really tight most of the time which is maybe part of why I don't feel very good

And I could really use some release

And then I realized

But I'm having an extreme amount of anxiety

I don't mean it's the pandemic stuff is going on

I'm not saying anxiety is not a reasonable response to it but I haven't been extremely aware of anxiety

And actually when I was on antidepressants

One of the things that I realized I don't remember if I realized while I was taking them or if I realized it when I stopped taking them but while I was aware of the depression I had a great deal of anxiety that I was not aware of

And I've been thinking of myself as very relaxed

But I'm not I'm very anxious

And I'm shallow breathing

But I feel a little bit more

I don't know maybe alive it's the right word for it

Somewhat sexually aroused

So I woke up at 2:00

And I heated up some soup

Drink a bunch of iced tea

Cuz I was feeling really dehydrated

And I also had some off-brand emergen-C

Took some vitamins I mean their vitamins in that that c vitamins and b vitamins I also took a d and an e and some magnesium and I was going to get up and stay up because I slept like 11 hours or something but my head still really hurts

I mean no it's been worse but I just feel I don't know not right

I don't think I feel sick

I just think I have like a mild migraine

I don't have to be in the dark but the light just seems very oppressive

And I feel very brain foggy

so I'm toying with the idea of going back to sleep even though that seems crazy

And when I sleep for long periods of time my back tends to hurt

But I mean I could get four more hours of sleep and maybe if I took aspirin and went back to bed maybe I would feel better I don't know

I'm just very out of sync and I don't seem to be able to get back into sync

And I don't know if I sleep more if that will make me feel more or less tired

I don't know it's very odd

The idea of staying up doesn't seem that appealing and the idea of going back to sleep does so I guess I'm going to go back to sleep

I love you sweetheart 💋

I really hope I can snap myself out of whatever the f*** is going on with me

Okay well I'm not really up

I got up I scrolled through social media I went to the bathroom I think I'm going back to sleep

I love you very much sweetheart 💋

Okay so this probably wasn't what I should have spent my time doing today and I mean today isn't over so I guess I still have time to work on the stuff I was supposed to do

But my head hurts really bad and I'm going to lay down again and it's possible that I will go to sleep and take a nap and if you knew how unusual it is for me to get back into bed and take a nap of any kind after I've already gotten up

I mean I might stay in bed all day

or I might sleep you know two and a half for three hours and then get up from work all day and in fact there's been plenty of times when I've gotten three hours of sleep for three and a half hours of sleep and I've then stayed up all night again so that I'm like three and a half hours of sleep on top of three and a half hours of sleep

But usually I don't go back to bed after I've gotten up during the day unless I'm sick

And I'm not saying I'm sick I'm not sick

My head really hurts

But I got my plan for next week for food

So I'm going to do high carbs on Monday Wednesday and Friday

I'm going to have to oatmeal for breakfast

But I'm not going to be putting raisins in it or butter or coconut oil or peanut butter or any of the many things that I might normally put into oatmeal because I don't want to have the sugar or the fat or the protein so what I'm going to do is put a lot of cinnamon in it

Now I love cinnamon

But cinnamon also has some real benefits in terms of blood sugar regulation for sure and maybe it's thermogenic a little bit not like super thermogenic but it is also I think a ton of fine herb

Autocorrect just kills me not a ton of fine herb

Rather tonifying herb

I guess if I spoke English it would be better

But I don't I speak Texan

so all my vowels are kind of attenuated and all my words kind of run together and the poor thing cannot keep up

Okay and for dinner on the high carb days I'm going to have brown rice with that coconut stuff bone broth which will have some protein but I think it'll be low enough to be okay and then a whole acorn squash

And that'll be plenty of carbs

It's probably not really enough fruits and vegetables

Normally with the extreme amount of raisins that I would put in the oatmeal it probably would be

And I thought about using apricots because they're low glycemic but I think what I'm going to do is just go with that and then take my chlorella and wheatgrass tablets and this will bump the protein up a little bit but it will definitely increase the quantity of greens

Which should dump my serving of fruits and vegetables up I mean it's probably not going to make it volume-wise enough but I think when you consider the nutrient density I think it'll balance out

And then on the low carb days

I'm getting avocado and tofu and eggs and I can have that in any combination that seems appealing on that particular day

And then have some of those things available to put on the salad that I have for dinner

Dinner will be fish

12 oz of fish is 300 calories and 63 grams of protein

And then I'm getting these bags out of things so they won't get all slimy and bad hopefully and they're made with "superfoods" brussel sprouts and kohlrabi and kale which does not sound particularly amazingly good to me so probably rather than having avocado in the morning probably I'm going to opt to have the avocado on the salad because that'll improve the taste of the salad quite a bit

Also I got some Paleo Caesar dressing which looks like it ought to be tasty and has a nutrient profile that works I mean it would be better to make my own salad dressing and I can do that but I did it when I was I guess I was still a teenager at that point I found this really great recipe and I can't remember exactly what I put in it but it was a salad dressing that had no oil in it at all although I guess that wouldn't need to be a no oil salad dressing and I think it was made with lemon juice and apple cider and garlic but you had to let it like age for a while or something so I don't know I may do that but I don't really want to buy a bunch of cider I could just use lemon and olive oil but I figured for the first week since I found something on imperfect that was within parameters and I would just be lazy and not try to make my own salad dressing

But maybe avocado or maybe tofu

And then maybe drink bone broth or have bone broth with one or the other of those things I don't know I think I checked the carbs and probably I could have that tasty bone broth but probably I would just stick to plain bone broth because it has no carbs and if I'm going to still have coffee with soy milk there's some carbs in that so I think really with the salad it's got about nine carbs

I don't really want to have bone broth with eggs in the morning because the idea of eating eggs with chicken broth seems kind of wrong and gross

But eggs are actually a really good thing to eat in the morning it boosts your energy and your endorphins are serotonin levels or I can't remember the exact chemistry of it but there's some reason why you feel better if you eat eggs in the morning

And tofu wouldn't be bad in eggs

Also tofu

This stuff that I ordered is a firmer tofu then what I would use for this but you can make a vegan eggs that's pretty good with tofu and nutritional yeast and they use something else might have been liquid aminos or soy sauce or something I don't remember but

Anyway I feel pretty good about the macros on these things

Now I'm going to put the phone down and close my eyes and I might fall asleep

I kind of think I was not enough and start to dream something while I was narrating this

I love you very much sweetheart 💋

I hope you're doing well

I have had a headache all day

And I was going to the studio

But then my mother called me and said not to go because she was staying home to I don't know monitor the market or something

So I was trying to work on the computer

And there's like a front coming or something I mean it was cold and then it got hot again

There's another front coming through

And I was just having a hard time concentrating so I ended up going to take a nap

well I wasn't really going to take a nap I was just going to lay down for a few minutes and meditate

But I knew there was a possibility that I was going to take a nap because I didn't have a lot of sleep

I mean I never have a lot of sleep well no that's not true either it's like no sleep or bunch of sleep or just a little bit of sleep

whatever I've talked about that before it's not important but I fell asleep

And then I woke up and I thought I had checked everything but I guess I hadn't checked Facebook

And then I made food and ate

And I was watching a show

I a while ago started watching the office

Which is another show that I never watched

I had watched I think one or two episodes of the original British one and I really don't like that guy gervais I don't like him I don't think he's funny he irritates me he rubs me the wrong way in fact I wouldn't watch anything with him in it until I watched I don't remember what it's called something where he was working for a newspaper in a small town in Britain and his wife had died and he was trying to get over it and I don't remember why I watched that but he was so good in that so now I can't say I don't like him because I liked him in that

But anyway that one or two episodes of that show the original British show I didn't like it and I just didn't want to watch it but I don't know something made me watch it I guess I was trying to

well I guess I heard enough about it that I decided it was like a cultural thing and there's tons of memes and whatever so I just broke down and I watched some of it I have not finished the series but I have watched several seasons

But I really like the actor who plays Jim and I wanted to see if he was in something else and it turns out he's in like the reboot of the Tom Clancy so I was like okay well you know let me watch that and sometimes I like spy stuff and sometimes I don't you know but I'm I'm really liking it

So anyway I was kind of engrossed in that and then I finished eating in the episode ended and I was like oh I should check and see if there's anything anywhere because you know I try to monitor stuff and so that was how I ended up missing it or most of it

I have an idea

For a diet protocol

It's based on the concept of metabolic confusion

And maybe intermittent fasting

I think intermittent fasting is going to be a pain in the ass so I'm not completely sold on that idea but I do believe that it works and I think it might be really powerful when mixed in with the metabolic confusion because what the intermittent fasting does as I understand it is kind of make your metabolism pay more attention

And function at higher efficiency

And what the metabolic confusion does

And I'm sorry if you already know everything about this I don't mean to be pedantic

Is basically

I always thought I was a mesomorph because of the way that I put on muscle

But there are some ways in which I think I'm more endomorphic especially as I've gotten older

Basically the idea is your metabolism is really really efficient at conserving fuel and so if you diet then your body very quickly readjust to whatever your new level is and you stop losing weight

and actually I believe I have experience to that anytime that I've gone on diet in the past which is why I mostly wasn't all that interested in them because yeah you lose weight but then everything plateaus and you stop losing weight and then if you say well hell with it I'll just stop dieting if I'm not going to lose weight and you gain weight because your body has reset to the new lower levels

And I saw one of those they're like internet infomercials like it'll be an ad at the beginning or end of a video and it's you know I just want to tell you about this life-changing thing you know and there's a whole bunch of them with doctors and people and you know they've all got a schtick that they're doing

There's some truth to all of them

But I'm not going to buy their thing

But this guy he's a personal trainer and he had a story and it was pretty compelling and then he was talking about things and whereas with most of these doctors they're talking about things that I don't know anything about so I don't have any way to know whether they're telling the truth or not some of the stuff he was talking about I had some personal experience with so I was like okay well you know this guy seems to know what he's talking about and everything but I still don't want to do his system

Even though I mean it wasn't an unreasonably priced program but I just don't want to

And I kind of don't buy any of those things on principle I don't know I just have a problem with their format somehow it's just one of my quirks

But you know I had been kind of thinking of different eating things I can do

And I did that liver detox for a while and then I stopped it cuz you're not supposed to do it continuously that's when I stopped wanting sugar and so I was like okay well you know let's lean into this so I was trying to think of things to do and I could do the chlorella and wheatgrass tablets I had good luck with that before but although it may sound counterintuitive it's harder to do stuff like that if you have a lot of time when you're not kind of running around you know

I mean if I'm running around lifting boxes and doing things then you know I'm going to get hungry at some point sure but I'm not going to be thinking about it and so you know I might get hungry I might not get hungry I might just you know whatever I don't know for me if I'm doing stuff like that where I can't stop you know I've only got a certain amount of breaks and I have the capacity to eat on that one limited break and so I just take my pills or whatever and so then I ate and then I move on well that's a little different scenario than if I'm working at the computer you know 15 ft from the kitchen

Or whatever I just am not sure that that is what I want to do go on a skipping meals thing seems like I'm not getting enough exercise to go on a skipping meals thing you know I mean you have to be kind of active I think for that to work otherwise your body just goes into you know hibernation mode or something

And I know that you might say well just get more exercise but I'm not going to do that I could pretend like I'm going to do it but I'm not going to so I don't think it's good to build a plan around something you know you're not going to do

And what this guy was talking about there were two factors that he brought up that I actually did know something about but I hadn't really thought about them in conjunction with one another and I didn't know what they were called so that made it harder to get more information on them if I had thought of them together

One was the metabolic confusion

The other was EPOC where you do short intense exercise sessions basically that are designed to get you to that point where you're like out of breath which shouldn't be all that hard because I haven't done anything for almost a year but the idea is just to like you know 10 minutes of exercise or something but really hard and I thought you know well I've got some dance I could do I don't need his exercises I've got plenty of exercises I made a whole playlist of exercises at the beginning of the pandemic that I was going to do every day and didn't do ever because the fun part is making the plan and then actually doing the plan is less fun but I've got stuff I can do right

And he says that you only need to do 10 minutes three times a week I don't actually think that's accurate but you know it's an experiment so I can find out right

So the idea is that you change it up

High carb day

Low-carb day

High carb day

Low carb day

So the high carb days make your body think oh we don't need to shut anything down there's plenty of food

And then the low carb days are no carb days you do your high intensity exercise I think on those days and so then that makes your body switch over to ketosis so you burn your fat stores

But then before your body can decide oh hold the phone we're in some kind of starvation situation here

You switch back over to a high carb day

And my thinking was

You know typically the no-carb days contain a lot of fats and you need to take fats in order to break down the fat sure I get it and if you're in ketosis sure whatever but

I kind of want to mix that up somehow

I don't really want all of the no carb days to be high calorie days so I'm trying to I need to do a little more research on how much fat exactly you need to make this process happen

Because I was thinking that if I could maximize nutrients maybe I could keep those days lower calorie but still have them be high enough in the nutrients and stuff to make the process work

And initially I was thinking you know just do bone broth all day but that's very low calorie but again I have fat stores but there's some amount of fat that you need to get that process kicked off

And so I'm wondering if you could do like a high carb day

With like oatmeal for breakfast and brown rice for dinner and I don't really know what for lunch but like not fruit and you know things that will have natural sugar because although I like fruit

I think my body is sensitive to it and you know I mean I'm the only person I know who went on a raw food diet for like 3 months and didn't lose any weight right

But I'm thinking like

Maybe if you do intermittent fasting and then you break your fast with you know multiple avocados or something I don't know how many carbs avocados have they've got some so maybe you would have to do like an avocado and eggs or something I don't know but something where you got a lot of the nutrients that would kick off that kind of process and then the rest of the day whatever part of the day you were eating in you had bone broth I don't know I need to do more research

Also I've got admit I'm kind of bored with food so this gives me something to get me back interested in it

And also my horoscope for February

Got a lot of stuff that sounded kind of sketchy so I didn't like it but one of the things that it said that kind of resonated was that a focus on health would be a good idea and I'm like well you know that's probably always true but it just seems more true right now

So I don't know

Do you ever do stuff like that

Of course I'm not wanting to spend a bunch of money on this

And I could see how I could really go overboard

But I was really missing brown rice cuz I hadn't been eating brown rice I had been eating vegetables but I had been focusing more on potatoes cuz you know comfort food

but then I was like me and you know brown rice is comfort food for me too and I'm sick of potatoes

So I got this seaweed I don't remember if I told you about that or not

And I had the brown rice with the seaweed for I don't know a week week and a half something like that and it was good but it doesn't seem like it was a big enough serving of seaweed but it was as much seaweed as I was one seaweed's pretty strong

And then in the imperfect box they had this it's not tie it's the lady who makes this brand is from Singapore but it's very similar to a tie broth it's got coconut milk and chicken bone broth and lemongrass and some other spice lime juice maybe a little garlic I think that's it but there might be a little something else and they come in these bladders and so I was like well that sounds delicious and I didn't I was kind of toying with this with the idea of doing a bone broth fast this is before I heard that guy's thing that was like I think last night I heard that and that just kind of helped congeal my direction but I was like well you know I'm just going to cook this in the rice rather than having rice with seaweed cuz I was getting a little tired of seaweed to be honest with you and so I cooked the rice in that and it was like so so delicious so delicious

And I love brown rice I know you probably don't like brown rice cuz most people don't like brown rice I didn't originally like brown rice but when I learned to like brown rice now I love brown rice and that was just so good and it's not like super high calorie but it's not low calorie and brown rice is pretty high carbs but they're complex carbs but still

And you couldn't have this broth on the bone broth days cuz it's got coconut milk in it so I'm sure it's got too many carbs maybe not though I'm uncertain The coconut milk I don't know I I know it's got a lot of fat but I think it's got I think it's got carbs too I swear I thought I looked at the container but I think maybe I just looked at it for how much protein it had

So what I need to know for this system to work I think on the carb days you can't have more than 10% of your calories come from fat and you can't have more than 10% of your calories come from protein and pretty sure that's right I mean maybe it's better if you don't have either one of them but I think you can't have more come from that

And I was just thinking you know I could make rice with that broth and you know I'm for some reason right now I've been eating lots of you know broccoli and brussel sprouts and greens but for some reason now I'm all about the acorn squash and the butternut squash

So like that rice and an acorn squash baked and that's dinner

Right

Anyway I don't have it all worked out

But that's like what I'm thinking about

So anyway

Now it's been a long time this is probably a super long post

I'm going to go to bed

I love you very much sweetheart 💋

So again I'm not going to sleep early

But I did sleep a lot yesterday

And I thought about not sleeping tonight

But I tend to get tired about the 20-hour mark and if I don't sleep at all then I'll hit the 20-hour mark before I'm done tomorrow and I don't want to do I don't want to be in that situation with my mother so

I'm not going to get a lot of sleep but hopefully I won't be exhausted

I love you very much sweetheart 💋

So I slept all day pretty much

I guess I've been up about an hour and a half or something

I had a bunch of dreams that I thought were really interesting

but as I thought about them once I was coherent trying to congeal them into something that made sense I don't think they're interesting at all I think they're kind of disturbing

I love you

I love you very much sweetheart 💋

I'm going to bed now 💤

I love you very much sweetheart 💋

I'm gonna sleep a little

I'm bringing you with me

 goodnight sweetheart

i love you very much

i'm going to the studio tomorrow

apparently i want to be exhausted

the first gulf war

something you said

triggered the memory

i'm gonna get a drink and i'll be right back 

So I was in college.  CNN was pretty new, and it always felt to me like they didn't really know what to do with it.  There were news shows, sure, but then they would repeat and it seemed like they were pretty thin on news and maybe they even showed infomercials ( I can't quite remember).  Anyway, I was super intrigued by the idea of a cable channel which was all news, all the time.

I wasn't getting all my news from CNN.  I checked, just now, and Democracy Now! wasn't around yet, but I did listen to news on my affiliate Pacifica station.  I was against it, the war.  It seemed ginned up.  Saddam had told April Glaspie all about the slant drilling and whatnot.  She hadn't indicated that it was a problem. She pretty much said:  yeah, fine, whatever.  Now that he was getting a little uncooperative, wanted to change from dollars to euros....

I didn't remember seeing the Vietnam War on the news when I was a kid, maybe I did.  I do remember seeing the body bags come home from Jonestown.  It took a while.  I found that pretty traumatizing and I can still see the body bags in my mind.  I was some where around six or seven for that.  I've since seen additional footage and re-enactments and still photograhs, but it's all coded together and I don't remember which is authentic to my original experience and which was added later--  except that I know the seemingly endless parade of body bags was original.

Anyway.  The Gulf War (the first one) seemed to give CNN a purpose.  They could endlessly go to correspondents on rooftops.  Correspondents in their rooms with the walls shaking.  But, even more essential, addictive in a cannot look away sort of psychosis--  smart bombs.  Low resolution monochromatic video game nightmare-scape.  So "smart" that we seemed to be constantly targeting things which turned out to be schools.  Nursery schools.  Hospitals, maybe.  Well, you see, those are legitimate targets--  they are just using those children as human shields.

I felt like I was in a constant state of agitation.  I couldn't stop feeling like I was bombing the children and I wanted it to stop.  I couldn't make it stop.  But it turned out those weren't the images that were going to stick with me forever, those have mostly faded.

One night i was up late, I couldn't sleep.  The Iraqis were retreating.  They had been told that they had to surrender.  They were retreating.  And I don't know exactly what they did.  What we did, I mean.  I can only assume that we bombed them.  But it looked mare like fire.

There was what seemed to me to be an endless line of vehicles.  I think they were trucks or busses or personnel carriers of some sort but in the image in my mind, the intrusive image, they have been altered to bright orange school busses.  And in the busses.  Charred black bodies.  Crispy and ghoulish.  Almost a solid mass of them twined together into an allegorical horror of smiling skeletal remains with the camera panning--  like, endlessly.

I never found any other human being who admitted to seeing this image.  I looked for the footage to repeat, like everything always did.  It made me question my sanity.  But I later confirmed that the retreating Iraqis had been attacked.  CNN never showed it again.

I love you

I'm going to sleep a bit

💋

Watched a lot of news

Sound out quite a bit

Researched skin care

Really don't know how it took all day

I think I'm going to sleep for a few hours

I kind of want to watch Trump run away

With nobody at his

Dictator bye-bye party

I'm of course going to watch the inauguration

I love you very much sweetheart

💋

I'm going to bed

I love you very much sweetheart 💋

I'm taking you with me

I'm going to sleep a little bit

I've got myself all turned around

I'm not going to the studio

but I should be getting up now and I'm going to sleep now so I don't know My schedule is off

I'm going to try to get up by noon but I don't know

I love you very much sweetheart 💋

So there's you know like a whole montage of stuff they did to become friends with all the people in the community and contests and singing and dancing and group drunken bacchanalia and I don't remember I don't remember the details of any of that

But then it gets down to a very strange thing where they're basically naked except with you know maybe like Speedo and or something I guess they can be in whatever state of nakedness they want to be to start with and then they take these they do some kind of body printing to come up with the things that are going to be the coverings

and I mean it had this kind of feeling of having been like a 3D printed thing but it wasn't 3D printed it was just printed on paper I think or fabric these kind of outfits and they were like dipped in some kind of a stiffening agent I kind of want to say it was like a glue like paste like flour and water or something something that wouldn't hurt your skin even on fragile parts of your skin that would make it stick to you but it would come off really easily

And then they were it wasn't strip poker because it wasn't poker but it was something like that where you know every time something happened one of these little tiny strips would get pulled off so you were still clothed but there'd be like a little strip that people could see of your skin and progressively they would be more and more of them until you were completely naked

And there was a guy who just kind of showed up that nobody knew but he wanted to participate and they were like well okay whatever

He got his outfit and he seemed to be on something like kind of drugged up

And he was hitting on

I don't really remember the exact details

I'm not sure if she was a trans woman

Or if she was I don't know

And I'm not sure exactly how much she knew him

The initial assessment I think was that she did

But then it seems like maybe she didn't

Things were very complicated

And it seemed like maybe he thought that she was a prostitute or possibly a spy

and he started spouting all kind of like conspiracy theories and becoming really threatening

It seemed like he didn't know where he was or what was going on but that possibly he had

Some kind of communication with people that had bombs

And that put like a real damper on things

And made the whole thing become in the context of that this was like post-apocalyptic

Or maybe peri-apocalyptic

And in other sections there had been a man and a woman who were trying to get medical attention for the woman's mother

And the hospitals were all full and there was no place you could take someone to get medical attention except that hotels had medical facilities for people who were traveling from other countries because it was a requirement

There's some international conditions

And so they were trying to figure out a way that they could go to a hotel with her mother

And convince the hotel to admit her mother into their medical facility

whether they would need to check into the hotel or just show up at the hotel or whether any of that would be a workable scenario

And they were figuring that there were two arguments that were possible

To kind of soften the hospital's resolve to not let them check the mother into the medical facility

One was science and rational based

The other was religious based

And they were trying to find a cross

To wear as a necklace in case they needed to strengthen the religious case

And then there was something also about things being made out of different materials

There were the high quality materials

and then there was very low quality material that was useless but might look okay

And then there was this like mid-grade material that had been developed You could get things that were like plaster and paste and things that might stand up to something but that weren't what it really should be made out of but it had this certain look to it

And there was a whole discussion about the aesthetics of this new material

And how it had like its own thing going that was kind of cool and

Fit in with the look of this new era

and I mean it was a very kind of artistic aesthetic conversation about something that was kind of defining the moment in time or what do you know more about that world somehow

And I'm confident that was more but that's all I can remember

Okay that was kind of a long time I slept

But I had all these really amazing dreams

That I've been laying here trying to kind of unpack

I'm sure I'm not going to get all of it

So I'm not going to go chronologically

I'm going to start with the most compelling parts so I get them down

Okay so there's this town

and I get the impression it's not a very big town

And everybody eats dinner every night together like the whole town there's this big area and the tables are all outside and there's like a signed seating or something so you're always sitting with the same group

And there's this well there's three characters that are in the main focus there are lots of other people but they're three characters that are in the main focus at this one table

There's a woman who is not real old I don't know maybe she's in her early thirties or maybe she's in her late twenties she seemed young to me but she's not like super young

And she's pretty

And people like her

And there's the sky and he is attractive and slightly alternative

He's not like punk or hippy or anything like full on where you looking at but identify him as a particular type but his hair is a little bit long and it's curly and I don't know he's interesting

And so since they're the attractive couple sitting at the table or rather they're not a couple but they look like an obvious couple they're about the same age they're about the same degree of attractiveness You know if you looked at the table you would go those people probably are going to hook up

So you know he does kind of tried to get to know her but she does not like his alternatives she is what it comes right down to it pretty stuffy although she doesn't really know that she's stuffy

And so she kind of tells him she's not interested

And then there's this other girl at the table who was kind of shy and nobody really noticed her and the pretty girl noticed her but she just kind of dismissed her out of hand as being not really worth paying any attention to

And so she didn't pay any attention to her

Although this girl did make some attempt to be friendly and talk to her the one girl had kind of you know determined that she had " standards "

And so she had kind of ruled both of them out she didn't have any interest in talking to them because she only talked to people that she had interest in

But then they started talking to each other

And as the guy started talking to this shy girl she started sort of blossoming

and it was like everyday she just became a little bit more beautiful and a little bit more interesting and I don't know it's hard to explain but in the dream the process of her going from being this like bud to blossoming out into this beautiful flower it was the the main function of the dream even though it's very difficult to describe

And so then at some point

You know they all had dinner together every night it was like you know mandatory or something so this woman she couldn't get away from them she had kind of dismissed them out of hand initially and so they kind of were like well whatever and ignored her but she hadn't really understood the importance I guess of the fact that she was going to be having dinner with these people every night for like ever

So she didn't really have anybody to talk to

And she had to cut off watch this blossoming

And it made her really sad for herself

And then at some point they started after dinner leaving the table

and the girl who wasn't involved in this relationship hadn't really realized that they were developing a relationship because they hadn't been talking in the formula that she was used to people talking in if they were dating or whatever they were just talking to each other and so even though she had been witnessing all of this blossoming and whatever they had just been talking like regular people would talk to each other and she couldn't imagine that these two people would ever actually get together because they weren't of the same type

So when they got up from the table together for the first time

And it was dark but you know with those lights that they string out in the courtyards in Europe that light up the tables in a kind of a romantic way so it was dark but there was plenty of light and she stood up and you could see her and suddenly her hair was kind of wavy and the moonlight or whatever ambient night time romantic light was on her face and she look like she was glowing from within and there was this moment

And it wasn't really that momentous of a moment for the girl and the guy who were in the relationship it was just kind of like

Casually leaving the situation that wasn't really all that comfortable for them to go off to some place that was more comfortable for them to talk

It wasn't like this was the big climax of their story

I mean it was in a way because they were leaving the uncomfortable situation and they were going off together to have adventures

So I guess it that way it was you know a movement from one phase to another face but

For the girl who had basically rejected both of them it was a big climax in her story because she realized that both of these people were in fact not only totally acceptable to her but were attractive and desirable and she would want to be friends with both of them and she wanted the guy now because somebody else had him

and so it's like when she saw the woman's face in the moonlight and it was beautiful she saw in that moment it was a lot more beautiful than her and so she had lost in her mind she had lost

Whatever exactly that meant to her

It was a lot more clear in the dream

And so this couple they went off and they were not tons and tons of places to go in this town

So where they ended up going was to the gay bar

And the gay bar did all kind of like programmed entertainment but not like oh we're having entertainment for the guests of our establishment

More like we are community of people and we are going to have all these things to do together that are going to keep us entertained and draw us close together as a community

So they would do you know tell the competitions and elaborate games and you know stuff like that

And at first

Would they walk to the door

The people who are in that gay bar community weren't real sure why these people were there because they were you know like a dating couple and they were a male and a female so they didn't seem like the most obvious choice for a gay bar community

And the girl she was a little bit surprised too

Not because she was unhappy about being in a gay bar but because it just took her by surprise

Like why is the sky bringing me to a gay baris he tryin to tell me something

I got to go to the bathroom to be continued

I'm going to sleep a bit

I love you very much sweetheart 💋

Okay well I'm going to sleep for a little while

I love you very much sweetheart

I'm going to imagine

Then I'm holding on to you

So I'm going to sleep

Sleep well sweetheart

I love you very much sweetheart 💋

gonna sleep for a little while

I'm not going to the studio

but

I can't sleep all day

and

Since I had a migraine yesterday

I pretty much did sleep all day

woke up awash with blood

even though

I used protection

it is really letting me have it

41° here

I looked back through my Instagram

So the last time I went for a walk

Was March 23rd

I started my lockdown March 20th

And I have not gone for another walk since

And I didn't leave the house

Hardly at all

Until I started going to the studio

But then I'm still not mostly leaving the house except about three times a week

But looking back

It was like I was talking a lot

Multiple times a day just about every day

And I don't know

It seems like I'm not talking much now

Kind of used it all up or something

So today

Bleeding increased enough that I could wear a tampon for a little while

But it's still kind of not really that much

But I don't know it's kind of a mess

It's like it wants me to ask for it to be over

And in fact I'm thinking

I did enjoy not having periods

but I did not enjoy that thing that it did instead where I got dizzy and migraines and nauseated I did not enjoy that one bit

And this isn't that bad I guess

It's not great though I don't love it

And I would be worried since it's you know been a week now

But you know it's like it took a while to get going and when I was still having them when it had been a long time between it did seem to have some trouble getting it all out it would be more and I don't know if there's more but it's I don't know

I would be worried but one time my period corresponded with a beach vacation that we were taking and I managed to bleed for 10 days so that I couldn't go in the ocean at all

So I know for a fact

I wasn't pregnant I'm not having a miscarriage not any particular reason to think there's anything wrong with me it's just being capricious

Today

I was trying to research and really get a handle on search engine optimization for Etsy

And I've learned two things

I am not interested in search engine optimization

I find it super duper boring

And

I'm not sure that the people who think they understand what's going on with search engine optimization with Etsy really do because they seem to be saying several things that are not the same

And since I find it in mind numbingly boring

And I wasn't feeling really very good

I was having a lot of trouble focusing

So I don't know

I'm beginning to be a little concerned as well with how little I have to say

And I've had some very strange things

This is ad for a game that shows on my Instagram feed all the time That's got a bunch of dots that are two different colors and it shows people tracing the dots of one color You're supposed to trace it and put a line through all the dots without lifting your pencil and I can't say that I've paid a great deal of attention to it or actually tried to do it with my brain engaged but as I watch it drawing I'm like kind of generally yeah what kind of trick is this You can't really do that there's always going to be a loose one

It's like that thing at the cracker barrel I think I've gotten it down to two a lot of times but not every time and I've never gotten it down to one now I'm sure there's a way to do it but I just don't seem to be able to even though I feel like I've actually put some brain power into that

Well the other day I'm not sure which day exactly yesterday the day before yesterday no was my day after my birthday I think

I woke up I was looking at my phone it did that thing and I'm like oh come on you got to be joking me just do this

and suddenly it was very clear to me exactly how to do it so that you didn't miss any of the dots and didn't pick up your pencil and I'm not saying that I'm some kind of super genius for being able to do that but it kind of startled me

Because previously I've been like now you can't do it they're just lying

And then suddenly it was just so blatantly apparent that it offended me that they would think that I might not see that you just do a diagonal line You don't go straight and then make a tee square where you have to cross back over your line You just go up and then zig over and then go straight across but I had never seen that before I don't know why it doesn't seem that complicated it's just I was watching what the other person was doing and they couldn't do it and I wasn't really I don't know

so I'm like what is 54 the magic age you turn 54 you wake up the next day suddenly you have magical skills of problem solving

But then I was like how could I seriously not have seen that but I mean it's obvious that I was just thinking along the lines of what the person who was doing the thing was doing rather than thinking outside the box as it were

So now I'm not sure how to feel about the fact that suddenly I saw that like was I stupid before am I smarter now did I get some kind of download is it really just cuz I turned 54 I don't know it's disturbing me

And I've been having a bunch of dreams

I feel like I'm working out s*** in my head in my dreams but I don't remember any of them

But I don't remember them in a different way than I usually don't remember them like I feel like my dreams are playing out these films or scenarios or something and the people who are in them they're like walking around in the back of my head and I can kind of see them all shadowy I just don't really remember what they're doing

I find that slightly disconcerting

And I still have that feeling like that part of my brain is somewhere else like that I'm focused on something else somewhere else that's you know important that I need to be working on but I don't I guess need to know what I'm doing

And I find that kind of disconcerting as well

I don't feel much like the same person that I was before and I'm not sure exactly how to explain the difference

I'm about to start a new well I guess I usually do some kind of a detox in January so I guess that's not really that different but it's been I think about at least two weeks and maybe three weeks now that I'm not drinking sugar in my coffee

I've been doing I don't know how consistent it is I've been doing it for I think a couple of months but I haven't been doing it every single day I have been taking milk thistle and NAC at night before I go to bed and sometimes I also take it in the morning although not mostly and those are for liver detoxing I've started taking chlorella again I'm working my way up and I'm just doing that once a day

That's got all kind of good benefits for you it is detoxifying it binds to heavy metals

But it's also supposed to give you energy and various other things

I don't really have any sense of how you're actually doing

I think you're doing okay

But I feel like I'm not giving you support you need

and I'm kind of freaked out about this whole insurrection thing got to be honest

I didn't listen to the impeachment because I was trying to work

I feel like I haven't gotten a handle on this search engine optimization thing and I feel as though I'm supposed to fix this Etsy situation

And I realize that you know some of it is that we don't havewe don't have an appropriate niche we don't have an appropriate market we don't have an appropriate price point in a lot of ways but since she won't listen to me I don't necessarily have a way to fix that but I feel like the search engine optimization is important because there's a bajillion people on there and nobody sees you

I just want to feel like I've got a handle on something related to this whole thing

And sometimes I think that really she doesn't care about any of that that what she wants is to spend time with me and then sometimes I feel like that she thinks that I'm not working hard enough

So I have kind of torn ideas about

What's actually happening in a way

And I don't know I don't know

I feel like there's a way that I want to distance myself from the news so that I'm not just you know doom scrolling or whatever

But then I feel like you know I wish I had watched it because you know

How am I going to write my novel DEEP FAKE

If I don't know everything that's going on

And you know probably I'm not going to

So anyway back to the detox

not tomorrow cuz tomorrow I'm having spaghetti but the day after that

I'm starting on brown rice with seaweed and then also a vegetable for dinner

I've got broccoli and butternut squash and acorn squash cuz squash just sounds really really good to me and

I got some seaweed normally with brown rice I really like hijiki

But that's from Japan and I figure that's probably not safe

And Korea is probably not far enough away to really be safe either but

I found the seaweed that seems really good and they have this really kind of interesting tradition that I didn't know anything about but researching the Korean seaweed I came across it

In Korea for your birthday you have seaweed soup everybody does it's traditional so probably not everybody but you know

and the reason why you have seaweed soup on your birthday is because traditionally Korean women after they give birth their first meal that they have is seaweed soup because the seaweed has a lot of iron and minerals and it's good for building up your blood and they've just you know possibly lost blood and been through kind of an ordeal that they have to recuperate from right so they give them the seaweed soup which has beef and seaweed and I think it might have a little bit of garlic or something in it too but doesn't have a lot of ingredients it's pretty simple

And the soup actually kind of sounds good but anyway so after you give birth first meal you eat is the seaweed soup and so because Korea is based on Confucianism and confusionism is very much about honoring your elders and your ancestors and stuff like that because that was what your mother ate after she gave birth to you on your birthday then you eat seaweed soup for your birthday in kind of like commemoration of that which I thought was interesting

And very conceptually different than America

but it's not like they don't like the seaweed soup you know because it's a special thing that they eat on their birthday pretty much everybody loves seaweed soup for their birthday so much so that kids try to get their mothers to make it for them at times that aren't their birthday and then they are like hahaha whose birthday is it You know because that's like I guess the extent to which they can be cheeky but I mean seems like it's pretty simple to make and it's pretty healthy so I don't imagine that it's all that hard to get your mom to make the special soup

I think it's cool that most cultures have some kind of special soup

I don't think it's like startling that that that's the case because after all if you don't have a lot of food you can take what you've got and put it in water and boil it up and make soup so every culture's got something but I do think it's very interesting that soup is often medicinal

And at the same time

Is something that your mother makes for you as a loving thing

And I thought that the kind of juxtaposition of you know you eat the soup to honor your mother and she makes the soup because she loves you was kind of I don't know poetic or something

Anyway that sold me on that kind of seaweed

It's called something like sea mustard or something and it's a pretty good size bag it's almost 4 oz

I was going to get something from I was going to get sea lettuce actually from vitaminsea in Maine but but this Korean seaweed is like less than half the price of that for the same 4 oz bag and it sounded really good so I got the bag and I got some little baggy things because it's supposed to be 10 servings so I was going to dose it up into 10 bags that were of roughly equal size so that I would have some idea how much you weed was supposed to be a serving but I got the bags filled with the amount of seaweed that I think seems like I might not want more than in a dose of rice and I still I'm almost half the bag it's not half it's somewhere between a third and half but it's quite a bit enough that I cannot possibly put the rest of it into those 10 servings now I could make them a little bit bigger

But it's a pretty strong tasting seaweed and if I get too much then I will not probably enjoy the rice because I still want to be able to taste the rice too

To inside to just leave it the way I had it and after I have the first batch if it's you know such that I feel like I could have a lot more seaweed then I'll redistribute it but in the meantime

And I took a little piece of it and you know kind of rinsed it off got it a little bit wet so it wasn't quite so crunchy but I didn't soak it and make it soft and I put it in my mouth and chewed it up and it just tasted really good to me so I don't know I wonder if there is any disadvantage to just eating it kind of crunchy like chips

I have that combo and I could absolutely use that but I think that's a little better for broth it's not really very tasty to just eat a big old mouthful of it

I also have those dolls flakes that I want to add in so I don't want to get too much of the of the one kind

I may add in Irish moss at some point later but I'm not going to start with that if I get too much seaweed I won't be able to leave the bathroom and I'm not really interested in that kind of intense experience

Although the chlorella tends to have the opposite effect which I think is because of all the iron so perhaps the seaweed is high enough on iron that it will have that effect as well I don't know I want to kind of layer into it I don't want to like just you know douse my head with a bucket of cold water I want to like stick my toe in You know what I'm saying

I don't want to do fruit smoothies in the morning particularly I do have some of that morning Jing which is really good cuz it tastes like black sesame which is really tasty so I could see putting some of that and some nut milk or something and Irish moss I don't know that doesn't sound that good actually seems like it would probably be better with fruit but I don't want to start with a bunch of fruit it's too much sugar if my body is telling me that I don't want sugar then I think I don't want sugar

I don't know whether it's telling me that I don't want sugar because it's worried about diabetes or whether it's telling me I don't want sugar because it's worried about cancer or if it wants me to lose weight I don't know why my body doesn't want sugar but I'm going to assume that it's bad for me if I don't want  birthday cake

That was like a sign of the apocalypse

but I'm glad I didn't get a birthday cake because then I have to eat birthday cake until the whole birthday cake is gone Big chunks of birthday cake with that buttercream frosting

And I feel like I kind of want chocolate

Because chocolate is something that I crave when I'm having my period which I am and it's going on and on and on

And I had some chocolate malt balls

Then I bought so that I'd have some kind of snacking thing for the second wave of lockdown and I ate them all like the first day day and a half that I was having my period

And they were so sweet

they weren't even like bitter dark chocolate they were just like milk chocolate malt balls but they were like you know from the bulk bins so they were not they had a lot of malt and well I had a fair amount of chocolate too but it was a better quality chocolate than what you get from those old school ones but not dark chocolate it would have been better and I think what I thought when I bought them was that malt is healthy for you marginally right because ovaltine

Does anybody remember Ovaltine

Do they still have oval teen

Did you know that the millennials or maybe it's the zoomers or maybe it's both Don't believe that Helen Keller was real they think she's a fake news because they can't believe that you could be both blind and deaf and have interacted with the world the way she did

I can't remember where I read that now so that might not be true but it seemed like it was somebody or the source seemed like it was something to be believed but now I'm not sure and pretty much everything now I feel like well I mean I've always kind of felt like that you should you know kind of know where the information comes from before you decide whether or not you're going to take it as credible and you know if it's something important then you probably should find it from multiple credible sources but you know if it's something like that that's not really important that's just like you know chit chat

Anyway I should probably go to sleep and have stuff I need to do tomorrow as well although I do want to try to monitor the situation in the capital a little more closely tomorrow

I watched some news today but I mean after I stopped working I kind of gave up around 5:00 but I was having a hard time absorbing it I'm just having a hard time focusing today and it might just be the headache

I love you very much sweetheart

I hope you're doing really good and that you're getting good sleep and that you're not stressing extraordinarily about all this stuff that really is quite worthy of stressing over but

And I think I've already said this

But just on the off chance that I didn't say it clearly

When he was elected

I didn't want him to have been elected

But I didn't feel like it was appropriate to protest before he had done anything you know as president

he was a bad man and he done plenty of bad things although the access Hollywood thing I still think he was joking and I still think that we don't really want to live in a world where everything you say as a joke when you don't think you're speaking on the record becomes the most important issue at hand you know I mean

So I realize that we disagree on that although I don't think we really disagree on that I think that it's just that it was him and although he was joking he wasn't really joking and I get that but

My initial response was that all the whack job rightwing people protested and behaved really badly when Obama was elected and it didn't seem to me like that was appropriate in any way and it just felt too much like just the concomitant version of that to me

so I although I didn't expect him to behave well and I was reasonably certain he would give us things to be protesting about I didn't feel like starting off on the foot of protesting his election was something I felt comfortable with

And I realize that I'm you know alone in that

And then when that was that first neo-Nazi March in Virginia I didn't see it on TV and I wasn't really paying attention to the news yet at that point I was distracted by something that was going badly in my work life I think

And what you wanted from me in that moment I think was for me to class pans with you and say you know yes we have to fight the fascists or maybe you were just worried that I didn't see them as fascists

And I realize that you and a lot of other people were wanting to ban that sort of display and I wasn't willing to go along with that because I didn't feel comfortable constraining free speech because I feel like I've just my whole life watched as one after another after another of our treasured rights have been curtailed and I would rather that people say bad things then not be allowed to say things

And I realize that that was a disappointment to you

But

You were absolutely right

That he is absolutely

Well whether he's a fascist or not he is absolutely an authoritarian and he absolutely and I mean I knew this part then he was using racists and fascists disaffected working class whites who have this sense that nobody has ever stood up for them he swooped in and said you know I'm your man and made the hand gestures and whatever and whether he really believes in those things or not I don't know I suspect not I suspect he was just using them but he's not a good man

And I strangely am not certain whether I think I mean I still kind of think that he didn't ever really want to be president but I also think that it is entirely possible that his buddy Putin kind of wound him up on the whole authoritarian thing because you know whether he was an agent for Russia or not he was certainly a Russian asset and I mean what better if you were going to plan to destabilize America what could you possibly do that would have been more effective than what has happened

so I don't know that it was his intention from the beginning to become president for life it's possible that it was but I think it morphed into that after he realized that he could be elected I think it morphed into that and I don't know I really don't know whether he understands that I mean he's very narcissistic and I've seen just an amazing amount of not being able to see what's really true because you can't handle it that that can lead to so I think it is possible that he really thinks he couldn't have lost at least partially some of the time but I also think that he was obviously planning to steal it for a long time so maybe he totally knows that he didn't win and he's just you know I listen to that speech he gave to them again and I was struck again at the amazing way that he projects exactly what he's doing on to other people I mean he was standing there talking to them about the steel saving the steel and how you know the left wing did x y and z but the x y and z that he said they did was almost exactly what he did and it's just kind of mind-boggling to me

And it's weird I mean not bad but weird that he's not tweeting and that people aren't responding to his tweeting I mean I never read his Twitter feed I never followed him but there were always people quoting things that he said although I mean not that many of them just things they found incendiary but still I read quite a bit of his crap

And it's just weird to have it not be there

And I'm stressed

Even though the national guard is sleeping on the floor of the Capitol which just looked like piles of bodies to me it was kind of triggering until I realized that it wasn't like a whole bunch of dead bodies that it was just people sleeping all over the floor but I don't know

But did you really see this outcome

I don't mean like you know as we went along I meant at the very beginning when I wasn't stridently feeling like we had to worry about

Losing our democracy did you really see this outcome or did you just see patterns that were too traumatic and painful to ignore

Anyway

You were absolutely right

I saw lots of bad s*** happening but I didn't actually see did not have on my bingo card

Plague and insurrection

The near collapse of our democracy

Did not see all that stuff coming

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

39° here

I think I mostly just watch news today

I slept late

I don't know

It just gets more and more surreal

I love you very much sweetheart

I got to sleep fast

can't sleep late and lollygag tomorrow got stuff to do

💋

32° here

I slept kind of late

I did have coffee

I did not go to the store and get cake

I did not have sushi

When I got up the cramping was a little worse and the bleeding was a little worse and I was like I don't want to go to the store

And I really didn't want cake

So I may be dying

Because I can't think of anytime ever that I haven't wanted cake

I did have steak and baked potato and peas

And then later I decided maybe I wanted something a little sweet but not super sweet and I had some rice cakes left so I took some I think about three rice cakes let me see yeah three rice cakes and I put some apricot jam on top

And that seemed to do it

I like apricot jam jelly preserve whatever I don't know it's bonne maman

And I bought it a while ago because I really like that brand of jam I think it's from FranceYes it says product of France I really like that brand of jam preserve whatever and I also like the the shape of the jar so periodically I buy one three fruits is my favorite I think but then it takes me forever to go through it because I don't like preserve jelly whatever on my toast cuz it's it's too sweet I don't like it I prefer toast with just butter on it or the vegan butter either one depends on what I have so I mean it takes me forever to use it up although I did put pretty good dent in it today

I watched WW84

And I got to say it was distracting to me because they did kind of a s***** job of their 1984 research

And it just kind of hit me off guard at the very beginning there's a mall and there's that brown and goldenrod I can't remember the name of the brown color I'm sure there was a name for it because it was like gold and rod and eggshell and avocado green and heart harvest gold but I don't remember the name of the brown but it's that same brown the '70s brown but by 1984 that stripe action would not have been anywhere except maybe a completely dead mall that had only one or two like a JC Penney's in a Sears as the anchor stores there's just no way that stripe would have lasted because by 1984 you know I mean they'd put in food courts and or at least the beginnings of food courts and everything had been updated malls had completely changed and nobody would have shopped in your place if you'd had that 70 stripe because it would have looked ridiculous

Now I realize now it looks hip

And I like it

I'm not complaining from an aesthetic point of view but it's just completely anachronistic

and then every single thing was just I mean it was just one wrong thing after another wrong thing after another wrong thing

And so I had to just let it go cuz it was irritating me a lot

But also I don't know I didn't really like it that much just as a movie

It was okay I guess

But I just did not care for it

But anyway I guess

I wanted to get some extra pillowcases

Because supposedly changing out your pillowcase everyday or so can help you not break out and I thought well you know s*** as long as I'm doing stuff

So I was looking for old pillow cases

and then I found those ones that are the same pattern as my bed sheets when I was a kid

And that was really cool

Those sheets I used to make faces out of them you know like when I'd be in the bed in the dark they were curtains that were that same pattern I think for something there was something that I could see from my bed so it wasn't the sheets but if it was curtains that didn't make it to the second location or they didn't make it up at the second location I don't know

But I can remember in the dark though somehow morphing into faces eyes and stuff and being kind of scary but then when the lights are on they were kind of pretty

I'm sure there's a lot of the ensuing time that I would not have thought they were pretty but I like them again I don't remember what brand they were or anything it's an odd color combination

but I've been in a really good mood even though I didn't really do anything too exciting I didn't go to a coffee shop

But I just feel good

want me to have a headache and have cramping and whatever but my mood is good

And that's important thing

Tomorrow I think I'll be back at the studio but today I'm working from home and I really do have some things I need to do but I don't know how hard I'm going to work today

I think I'm going to go to sleep for a while now

I love you very much sweetheart 💋

 look at this

these are the sheets i had as a kid

https://www.etsy.com/listing/895475466/vintage-mod-no-iron-pillow-cases-orange?ref=user_profile

Gonna sleep a little

I love you very much 💋

I slept very late today

It's a consequently I'm also up very late

I'm never going to get this back on track

I shared that one thing

But then I just made it visible to me

Because I figured

What I'm mostly doing with my pages posting things my mother wants me to post

And there's no point in agitating

People who might not

Agree

Or might dislike Michael Moore

I have every reason to believe that probably a full half of the people that are my Facebook "friends"voted for Trump at least the first time

So now it's only there for me

and when I did that reading the other day it said everything was going to be good I wasn't asking about politics I don't think I think I was just asking it about me or us I might be wrong I don't really remember what I asked

I had an interesting skin care experience

A while back I ordered some aloe gel

I had had some but it was kind of old and I wasn't sure and I don't remember now why I needed it but I felt like I needed it

And when I ordered it

it just seemed like it had a really good ingredient deck cuz it had the a low and it didn't have any alcohol and that's harder to get than you would think but anytime I need to be putting aloe on my skin I need it not to have alcohol in it

Then it also had Manuka honey

And it had apple and orchids stem cells

And I don't know whether I think

The plant stem cells really do all that much for your skin I mean they don't hurt it and I think they're moisturizing but it's not like they function as stem cells for humans

But I thought it was really good

but I was just using it like if I had an irritation or a problem I wasn't using it like as an everyday thing

But then I remembered that that time that I had used the cleansing oil and massage my face and gotten all the blackheads out of it I had put that on with the acids

And although I have gotten the reaction where the blackheads all came out never as good as that first time

And so for about a week or so I've been using it as a serum light moisturizer I mean I put like an oil for something over it but I've been using it on my skin and I've been liking it I feel like it's been kind of bringing stuff out which of course makes me pick it more

And when I use the noxzema which I've been doing most days as kind of a mask because I've been having more stuff coming up and in fact it's been like I could almost feel the stuff coming up in my face which of course now I know was period. BecauseI've had that reaction before where I could just like feel stuff coming up out of my face

I put the noxzema on and I leave it on for a long time and that kind of helps dry up whatever's going on but for some reason it also makes me pick my face more

I've been using retinol at night not not every night but more frequently than I was

And I was like you know I should really put on some kind of a cream over the top of the retinol after it's all sunk in and stuff so that I get more moisture

And then I don't know I don't remember but I looked it up I guess I guess I said hey this stuff is really good oh when I was looking for a cream that had MSM in it also

And the people that make this aloe

They also have some other products

And one of them is a face and body cream

So I looked at it and it's you know a good value and it's got good ingredients it's got Halo I think it's the main ingredient yeah it doesn't even start off with water it's got Halo and it's got emulsifying wax and caprylic triglyceride glycerol and then Manuka honey and it's got other stuff MSM is close to the bottom it also has gluconolactone

Which is a PHA and I have to be really careful about acids but I mean it's way down at the bottom of the list right before phenoxyethanol and ethylhexylglycerin and phenoxyethanol can't be more than 1% and it doesn't have to be as high as 1%. So if it's way down there then my guess is that it's a pretty low percentage of gluconolactone

But I might not be able to use it everyday cuz my face responds weirdly to acid but that's a very mild acid

Anyway I didn't order it right away

But then I got a notification and it was 25% off

So I just went ahead and got it

Cuz it was like $20 for 4 oz to begin with so I mean you know

I got it today

And I put it on and it's it's pretty thick I mean it's

Not as thick as it seems like at first but it's pretty thick

But then I decided to mix it with the aloe gel

And it's really good

So I'm very excited

Just doesn't take that much

Anyway

When I was in bed earlier

I had alarms going off and stuff and I just didn't want to get up

I was visualizing

But I wasn't exactly cuz I kept falling asleep

But I kept telling myself

The most important thing is just maintain a positive vibration

and I just felt like the best way to do that was to stay in bed

Because I wasn't worried about anything

And I wasn't stressed about anything

I was having interesting and not bad dreams

But I don't really remember about what

Anyway I'm going to sleep now

Hopefully not for too long

I love you very much

I'm really grateful that I met you

And then I've managed not sure exactly

To maintain the connection with you

Because it's kind of remarkable

Goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much 💋

I fell asleep in the chair again

And I am almost out of battery

I love you sweetheart

I hope you're doing okay

Lots of very strange things I really hope

Did everything turns out okay

I'm pretty concerned about what might happen

And on the one hand I'm maintaining a positive attitude and a good mood and I know

there's a way in which this feels like it was all just you know pre-ordered we knew we had to hit rock bottom with the democracy so we could know that we had to fix it and that there wasn't going to be any way to get out of that

and I got to say even though in a way it doesn't surprise me at all

Somehow I was not expecting an armed insurrection in the Capitol building I was not expectingThe mag gets to be marching on the capital planning to hang Mike pence

But remember my reading said he's going to be made to see that he's lost

I just keep thinking about that and

I don't know

It's all pretty surreal last year was pretty surreal and this month this week man I mean man I don't know

And that's the kind of talking I'm capable of at this point

I would like to be curled up in front of a fire with you somewhere

And I would really really like to give you a hug

Sleep well sweetheart

I love you very much

Well I was falling asleep in the chair actually I think I was just asleep for about 15 minutes sitting upright

Not doing a very good job of talking

so I'm going to real quick tell you two memories that I had that are sort of tangentially related I think to the events going on now

okay so the guy I used to work with who I know I've told you about before his name is Damien it turned out we were both watching I think it was called Penny dreadful sort of a monster story using literary figures taken with a lot of artistic license

It's got Frankenstein and Bride of Frankenstein and Dorian Gray and a werewolf guy and a clairvoyant which type woman and it's all set in Victorian England

so since it turned out we were both watching it we were talking about it and he really liked the main character and she was okay I liked her too and he was talking about how much more freeing everything was in Victorian England and I'm like yeah no not so much it's a TV show and they're taking a lot of liberties but everything was very very locked down now there was plenty of you know fetishism and sex and everything going on but it wasn't real out in the open

but he was behaving as though he thought everything he was watching on the TV was you know factual and not anachronistic which I thought was kind of funny because I thought everybody knew all about Victorian England and how stuffy and what it was

And then when the person who it turned out she was going to be the bride Frankenstein character but at first you didn't know that she was a prostitute I think and she had and she had consumption and you know she was I thought a very interesting character I was a lot more interested in that character than the main character really well you know she said something that was pretty vague but I knew that it was foreshadowing and that it was going to turn out that she had had a kid who got killed or died in some way related to her having been unable to take care of it because of being a woman alone in a prostitute and all that kind of stuff I just knew that was going to happen because there was she said something she didn't mention a kid but I just knew right

and he was talking about her and he was saying he was a few episodes ahead of me I guess and he was like something is about to happen that's just going to open your heart up to her and I'm like I already really like her and he looked at me like I was crazy because I think he thought she was just like a b**** or something

But the fact that that had happened to her I mean I don't think it would have changed how I felt about her as a character it's hard for me to know though because I already kind of knew it because I mean when you're writing a story you've got characters and they serve different functions and when you've got a TV show they're typically not real three-dimensional they're you know and these were specifically based on you know literary works of the Victorian period so I mean they weren't exactly stereotypes but they were archetypes you know but I mean all of that was completely lost on him I guess and in fairness I think that I am a lot better able to tell what is going to happen in TV shows typically now not always sometimes they surprise me and I'm always really happy and excited when they do because mostly I can say okay well here's what's going to happen next here's what's going to happen next cuz I just I know based on the structure and stuff

So that all went along and I was a little surprised that she turned out to be the bride of Frankenstein because I don't believe she had interacted with Frankenstein at all so it was kind of random chance that he found her after she died of consumption so that was a little bit of a surprise because I didn't realize that she was going to be that I thought she was fulfilling these other roles which in fact she was and then she went on to fulfill some other roles but I thought she was really interesting because she was having none of it she was like okay you brought me back to life and I can't be killed That's great so you can f*** right off cuz I don't have any interest in you and she went about her business and you know we didn't have any right to reanimate her corpse anyway so I didn't feel that bad for him and he had been trying to make her for the Frankenstein monster who was not a monster at all he was really great guy but he wanted to go back to his wife cuz he remembered who his wife was and he was afraid to because he was afraid she would think he was a monster and so Frankenstein was making a new wife for her which of course you know isn't how it works you know you have emotions for specific people some randomly created person isn't going to fulfill that need you know

Anyway none of that is relative relevant to the point that I'm making so then he finished the show and I think I actually finished it before he did or at least I had already seen the end of it when he was upset about it

And I had actually you know as I'm watching the ending I'm like well yeah okay That's a shame at all but you know houses are going to end they've got it written into a corner that's pretty much the only way it can in if anything else would be like a deus ex machina right and although they could certainly do a deus ex machina

That would have pissed me off

But so basically this character that he was in love with he just thought she was awesome right she dies and he could not forgive them because they killed her off but I mean it seemed evident that she was marked for death from the beginning in one way or another and in the way that it ended she was able to defeat Satan so she didn't have to become his bride she didn't get to become the bride of the man she was in love with and he had to kill her and it was all written in such a way that he was the only person who could kill her and you know they had really written themselves into a corner so that it was all perfect but it was really the only way it could go so it wasn't much of a surprise for me and it was just kind of like yeah well of course but he did not see it coming

I don't know how he didn't see it coming but he didn't see it coming and he was very very upset and he felt like he had basically wasted his time he didn't enjoy it anymore at all he felt betrayed by the show

And then the other memory

There was a woman I was working with she you know seemed to be pretty smart more like you know not like intellectual smart but like you know she understood people and she understood situations and she you know seemed like she had a pretty good grasp of the world and the way it worked and then one day she said did you hear that Greek and Roman mythology was just invented by some college professor and that it's all fake

And I'm like no that's not right

And she's like yeah it is

And I'm like no it's it's not

And she's like yeah I read this whole article about it and I'm like okay so what college professor at which college is supposed to have done this and she's like I don't remember

And I'm like okay and what new source did you get this information from and she's like oh I don't remember

and I'm like what was it something you were very familiar with that you thought was a reputable news source and she's like I don't know I don't remember what it was called

And I'm like but you're sure that this was all right

She's like yeah absolutely

And I'm like could perhaps the name of the new source that you got this from have been the onion

And she's like yes that was it

So not only did she read something from a news source that she didn't recognize or know what it was she was so sure that it was right based on having read this that she was going to argue with me about it because it was absolutely true even though it was just no way that's true

But then when I asked her if it was the onion and she said yes

She didn't know that the onion is you know like a parody

Now I'll grant you that they sometimes say things that sound like they could be true I mean they're a good publication

After Trump was elected there was a thing that I read somewhere that said that you know overnight Canada had erected a privacy hedge and I'm like okay I'm sure that's not right but it's too good so I have to find out who said that and I traced it back and it was the onion

I wanted that one to be true

But I was just appalled

I'm going to go to sleep now for a little while

I've been having cramps all day but there has not been a lot of blood

and I dug around and found something chocolate because I had need of medicinal chocolate 🍫🫕

Those emojis came up on my phone but it looks like an ice cream sandwich that's Neapolitan and a barbecue grill to me I think it must not be that though I think that barbecue grill must be a fondue pot but it does not look much like a fondue pot and maybe the other thing is supposed to be a wrapped up chocolate I don't know

I love you very much sweetheart

Goodnight💋