grind my bones to make my bread

i am in some pain right now

i damaged myself

i was mandolining eggplant
i'm not sure if i've ever mandolined before
anyway
making thin slices
to make dehydrated chips
with a really sharp thing
and

you see where this is going, right

i cut off a slice of my thumb

not a big slice
and
most of it was callus, so no biggie
but
there is a small section of meat
which is now exposed to everything

and my first thought was:
superglue that fucker back on
except
i woulda had to go buy superglue
and
it was the kind of a thing
one would only do if everything was there to hand
not a planned out and executed strategy

then i thought:
does it really need medical attention
(which i can not afford)
and i decided:
no, what're they gonna do
skin graft
it's not that bad

water hurt, though
so i had to work up the nerve for hydrogen peroxide
which fixes everything
although i had an irrational desire to have
one of my great-grandmother's flax poultices
(which i can't see how that would help)
i didn't actually do the hydrogen peroxide until today
last night
i took a bunch of msm and vitamin c and poured some msm on it
which i had to wash off
it made it throb too bad

anyway
i don't mean to over dramatize
it's just that it was my thumb

again
though, other thumb

and

last night i dreamed
i was in a store wandering around
and malini walked up to me in all of her exotic beauty
wanting to know if there was someplace we could be alone
maybe, she said, that air pressure room over there

and i just wanted away from her

then i walked over to a shelf of books
and some guy came over to try to talk to me
i just stopped him cold:
no, thank you
i am trying to process something
which if i chat with you
i cannot do

he was hurt and offended

and i'm not sure what any of that is going to mean to you

very strange dreams the last few days

they have been
more like story outlines
than anything that seems related to me

but
maybe not
maybe they are related to me
they seemed to use me as a referent
but it seemed more like a short hand

in one
there was a woman
and there were paintings

i'm a little sketchy about her details
she might have been in the military
or she might have been a warrior
or
she could have been each of those things
in different times

she was in a relationship
but there was something weird about it
she had come back to him after many years or something
maybe she had known him in each of these lives, i'm not sure

she had the paintings
which were not particularly good
nor did she paint them
or even buy them, really
she didn't seem to care for them
she was hanging them in a large room
but it became a big open outdoor space
and the paintings were aligning with the landscape
like she was recreating the primal environment
from the earlier life

but more like
that was a metaphor
for aligning the two lives
or aspects
or whatever

but then
she told the guy she had to leave
he said:
you came back to leave

i remember that
what is that about

i found it disturbing



the other one
was
(i think apocalyptic)
but
at least
it was running and hiding
and survival

that one was last night
and
i had the distinct impression
that it was meant to be a story
but
i had to go to breakfast with my mom
and now
it is totally gone
damn it


i'm trying to be there
but sometimes you really have to have the whole thing
and you can't just have one bit of it
so i'm trying to figure out
if i can put myself in the place
is that going to help
because the whole thing
as a big picture
is lost to me
and
i'd really like to tell this story


anyway
i love you

butterfly pasta, grilled cheese, & the show

have you ever done juicing
it's messy
and kinda expensive
both of which are what you might call anti-incentives
this juice is not bad:
celery, collard greens, red chard, red bell pepper
and that's what i'm drinking

the carrots i ate today were like candy
they're semi-local organic "backyard grown" sold at whole foods
and that and celery were all i had to eat today

i saw some pasta i wanted to buy
like farfalla
but
butterfly
beautiful
and
it reminded me of stuff

what i want
superbad
is a grilled cheese sandwich-- cheddar cheese
and i want it bad
pan fried with butter, now
i'm not talking toasted cheese
i've been more or less off cheese
ocationally i'll have pizza
or greek salad with feta
but i tasted a carmenere the other day
and the wine guy said:
now imagine grilled cheese
(and i could taste the excellence of grilled cheese with that wine)
but then i've wanted it ever since
and now
if i had a delicious grilled cheese
the way my grandmother used to make them for me
with a bottle of that carmenere
it would be like sex
seriously

but i tasted a wine today
i decided that was ok
less than an ounce
and technically, kinda juice (although not green juice)
and it was good enough
i wanna recommend it to you:

the show malbec
if you've not had malbec
try it...you'll like it
maybe i liked it extra because i'd been all bitter drink-y
but it's all ripe dark fruit with this tart little cherry
and it seemed more lively than some other malbecs
and it's got a bronco bustin cowboy on the label
it's from argentina

just drink it already


the need for peanut butter, a little less intense
between the wheatgrass and chlorella
it's three grams of protein
every couple hours
plus whatever the green juice has

i love you very much
take good care of yourself

i started a three day detox today...i want popcorn and peanut butter

i've been eating peanut butter
and beans
and stuff
with calories
and i haven't been going to the sauna or working out or really doing anything to counter all of that
plus
i decided to try just the tyrosine
rather than the combo thyroid support
anyway
the upshot
six pounds right back on
which is not a super big deal
but
it's time to get it together again

so
i'm doing green juice this time
and soup from the pulp
and some raw celery and carrot
and dandelion greens
starting tomorrow
because today was all liquid stuff
except for the pills
i'm doing
wheatgrass (5)
chlorella (20)
cayenne (1)
~every two hours

the idea is to green any toxins
right out of my system
and alkalize everything

for dinner last night
i had two bagels
with peanut butter
two different kinds (santa cruz dark roasted & justin's)
the bagels were the weird but good "french toast" flavor

and
right now
i'm not happy
gurgle gurgle gurgle:
say my unhappy guts not
so much from hunger as from wheatgrass and cayenne
the peanut butter i just want it want it want it now now now

it's really sad to fall this far

i'm about to fall out just now
gotta go to sleep

love and best wishes
i bet i dream of peanut butter

i hope you're ok...i have had a strange day...

i got a weird paper cut

i think i've lost an earring

i had the distinct feeling that something happened
with you
at
about 4:30p

and
ash wednesday
always takes me by surprise

it never sinks in
i'm always restraining myself from saying:
ya got some schmutz on your head
because
surely they know
and then i'm all like:
yeah yeah i remember now, ash wednesday
what's that about

i get lent
that makes sense
i just don't get the schmutz thing

but
i guess
maybe one side effect of being raised without religion
is that i don't see that kind of stuff the way
i guess
most people do
i tend to like ritual-type-things
to really engage something

or
to my mind
skip it
it's the connection that matters
not the rote expression of the thing

and
i don't mean to be picking on christians
although, really, i'm sorta fine with that, in general
and
i guess
if i look at it another way
it marks them
as the kind of person who would get up and go to mass
before work or school, which might, afterall, be a stigma for some

i don't know
i don't like it
i only saw one or two today
but it threw me off, way more than makes any sense whatever


i don't know
just a weird day
hope you're ok and all
sometimes i think you're energy
affects how i feel
but i didn't have anxiety, or anything
no tension or anger or jitters or whatever
just a clumbsy spacey discombobulated
out-of-pocket sort of day

i love you very much

when i was chatting yesterday, i forgot to tell you about my dream

what i mostly remember
though i'm sure there was more
is driving

the roads were all
hmmm
not cobblestone
because cobblestone is an actual street material
albeit an old fashioned one
no this was paving stone
the kind they had at university
small river stones
are set
into
epoxy
fancy sidewalks basically
i was driving on fancy sidewalks
through residential areas
townhouses mostly
multi story
quite nice
and
it was night
my vision
somewhat impaired

i kept driving along these curvilinear
walkways
and
i kept ending up
on the roof
nearly driving off the edge
circling back
going
essentially
in figure eights

maybe i'm telling myself something there
maybe not
but
it was
a little scary

i went into one of the townhouses
told the people
i think
what it was i was trying to find
they were friendly
helpful
and
i have to admit
i did just a little coveting of their place

i'm thinking of you...

i just feel like talking, i guess
i finished that chili
and, actually, it was good
but not chili
chili has a certain heft
density
and
oil
rising to the surface
and i added as much oil as i could make myself
but i ended up making cornbread
and spooning the "chili" over crumbles
stirring in raw onion
it really was good
just not quite chili

i'm thinking
chopped pine nuts, maybe
or would that seem gritty
anyway
it expanded exponentially
so i have too much food again


i can't figure out why you bring all this stuff out in me

why the fantasy
for example
of the family meal
that seems to me so domestic
and i don't really mean to be presenting myself that way
and i could make up psycho-babble
about the lack of stability
i had as a child
but
it might just be a nurture thing

i always used to have this idea
that it was important not to do too much, at first
because it's fine to escalate later
but bad to set expectations too high
and i think
i have probably screwed that up with you
but, really
where is the sense in setting low expectations in a fantasy


so
not only have i taken to this family meal thing
but
even though they may never come
today i found myself looking at haggadot
on amazon
and then
chabad
like what the hell is up with that
i found this:

http://www.chabad.org/holidays/passover/pesach_cdo/aid/492832/jewish/Next-Year-in-Jerusalem.htm

now
i told you that i never celebrate any holiday except thanksgiving
so why am i suddenly looking for
alternative
vegetarian
spiritually enriching ways
to explain to kids i don't even have
why this night is different

and
i guess
what i learn about myself through this fantasy
is that
the intellectual and spiritual development
of these imaginary children
is burning a hole in my pocket

this is mostly about food

today i bought a tagine
i hadn't really planned to but
it was cheap
it was calling my name
and i thought i could use it for
making recipes from a book which i don't think i've mentioned:

olive trees and honey:
a treasury of vegetarian recipes from jewish communities around the world

i've had it for almost a year
and i've read most of it
but
i haven't really used it

it was a really romantic notion
my buying it
because i wasn't so much thinking of feeding myself
as our imaginary family
but
you know
i'm all about the legumes
so it's not a very eastern european fanatasy shabbat
hence
the tagine


right now, however, i'm focused on the chili

i decided that chili is somehow essentially tomato-y
so i am marinating sundried tomatos overnight
in olive oil, pickled jalapeno juice, and bar-b-que sauce
and i chopped up some dried shitakes
which i'm sort of marinating
but with just a small amount of truffle and toasted sesame oils
as well as sea salt and dulce
i don't think i have enough of that
mushrooms are my go to meaty thing
but i'm going for texture too
i'm just not sure of mushroom - bean interaction
i'm very uncertain that this will work

traditionally
vegetarian chili uses either fake ground beef
or tempeh
neither of which i want to use, particularly
i am hesitant to go with grains
though they might work for texture

i really hope i do not mess up my beans
although
i mean
i'm using slightly less than half of them


fingers crossed

food thoughts

i know i said that i just want to eat peanut butter and refried beans

i told you that i didn't eat peanut butter
but i didn't tell you about beans
now, refried beans i would eat
but only in small quantities on or in things
never by themselves
i have
in general
disliked beans

my charming stepmother knew this
and we had power struggles around beans
so
far from being trigger foods
these were like
anti-trigger foods

roasted salted almonds (especially smoked almonds)
those would be a trigger food for me
meaning something like chips for most people
like, once you start
you have real trouble stopping
and they would have protein
but i have no desire for them

doesn't it seem odd to crave foods you never liked
i mean
i ate an entire can of chipotle beans the other day
and i didn't want to adulterate them with rice or tortillas
i just wanted them straight
maybe i've been taken over by something

the problem is
i've never really gotten good at making beans
or hummus, even
because it's so easy to buy them ready made
which i am trying not to do
and
i've almost got a hummus i like
next time i'm using roasted garlic and i think i'll be there
but
today
today i made beans

anasazi beans
cooked with onions and ,ok, a can of smokey roasted chipotles
but i'm not there yet i'll figure it out
i also cooked it with kombu
until the kombu dissolved into the beans
increases absorption and renegades in minerals
anyway
i cooked em for about six hours
and used a submersion blender on em
and i used spices too (they have nice heat)
and i think they'll be great refried
but i'm also thinking chili
what would i need to add
i'm quite excited
and
i'm thinking mole black beans

i made some banana bread bars
with oat bran, salba, brazil nuts and cardamon
(they just finished)
super healthy
could be sweeter
but i made them for breakfasts with peanut butter

hold on
let me try them that way

i am quite pleased

i made some bars when i was last on the road
with pear pulp and oat bran
and just a little of that with peanut butter
and a bunch of water
will hold you for hours and hours
but they weren't this tasty

i don't know if this stuff is interesting to you
but it's pretty exciting to me

but
i still think it's weird
that i really love foods
that are lifelong nuh uh foods

last night i drank a bottle of barefoot bubbly i bought but never drank since thanksgiving, just because

i really think i needed stronger mind alteration
but that was what i had to hand

i dreamed i was in that house
the one on west alabama
i was thinking about
how i'm running out of time
how maybe i should have sex again

i had stopped for the reason i told you
but not just that reason
i was also extremely paranoid
that i'd get pregnant
by
not you
and then
you would not love me
for some stupid manly reason

but then i thought
maybe
maybe i was supposed to
maybe that was the divine plan
and i screwed it up because i wanted only you

and i was on all fours
and there was a man, not you
and i said: come on baby
he came up behind me
and i thought of other things
some event kevin smith was hosting downtown
where everyone comes dressed as their favorite superhero
why that, i don't know, i can't imagine going to that, ever
and he brought his face around to mine
and it was like
like a rapist
i freaked out
i thought:
i can't do this i can't do this i can't

and then the sun
came blindingly through the windows
and he got up to adjust the tattered stuff hanging there
he said:
i don't like the way the light reflects off the jewelry we got left
i said:
did you pawn stuff too

then i went downstairs
the coffee table had changed again
and my mom said:
you're doing better
you've got a four hundred dollar credit

i went out in the yard
which was huge
and vacant
no trees or anything
on one side there was a big mound of soil
the yard was better, i could breathe, i walked around
then i knelt and began
spontaneously
to re enact
the pattern
of this
crazy
film

it was the most amazing experience, this film
sensory
tactile
rather than visual
it was the experience of rain
but by the pattern of the drops
falling on naked flesh
with some abstract
auditory
something
like the sensory crossover
that happens with lsd

but i was remembering this
and playing it
on a green green prayer mat
on the ground in front of me

then i lay down
in the dirt
i looked over at my cat
curled up next to me

and it came to me:

the yard is big enough
it's cleared
you have good soil
you can bring forth whatever you need or want or desire

all it will take
is an enormous amount of work

random stuff

i dreamed
a bunch of stuff that i can't quite remember
there was one section
it had something to do with christmas
and i thought:
i've got to remember to tell him that
but then i can't remember

i do remember
i was in my aunt's apartment
it was all stripped
furniture gone
ready to be painted
and
i totally wanted to move in
it seemed so much bigger
empty
but then
it wasn't empty
there was a built-in cabinet along one wall
and a false wall
with a media unit behind it
and a display case
for
spears

i thought that was a little odd

and i've been thinking lately
how different i am
probably
from most women

but i thought
(when i looked in my closet the other day)
of what i consider to be a really good analogy

now
it might be normal
or it might not
to still have your prom dress
we'll say, more than twenty years later
but i still have parts of what i wore
but it wasn't a dress
and it was all ethnographic
the black slacks and shell are long gone
but they could be roughly approximated with, oh say
almost everything in my closet
so no big loss
the necklaces and jacket i could wear now
and you wouldn't think they looked unlike me
[except the jacket doesn't fit yet and needs new elastic at the wrists]
the necklaces are
a three strand rope turquoise serpentine trade beads
and a predominantly orange multi-strand that i keep on my shelf
it was sold to me as naga headhunter
but i've never really verified that

i would show you a picture of me
but
i had had some trauma (or something) before hand
that led to the cutting off all my hair
right before prom
and i look terrible with short hair
so
to me
the picture doesn't look like me at all

and
i only went to prom
because
all the grown people i had ever met who didn't go
really really thought: if only i had gone...
so i went
to avoid that crap

i didn't enjoy my prom at all

but
i really look forward to fitting into that jacket again
because i like it even more today
than i did when i found all those years ago

i can't remember exactly where it's supposed to come from
southeast asia i'm pretty sure
it was part of a ceremonial costume
they made and wore for one year
and then they made a new one for the next year
and traders bought it from them

i could have bought a really really nice dress
for what i spent
but i've not saved any dress i ever bought

i think i made the right choice

i don't really have anything to say

but
i want to say something
anyway
to lean you back against a wall
compact the space between us
but barely brush against you
barely brush against you
over and over
until
it takes on an undulation
bring my face in from an odd angle
catch the side of your mouth, just grazing your lips
i think once ever i start to kiss you i might never stop
i might be drawn down into a universe where there is only kissing you
but i am ravenous and i might be desperate rather than languid
i long for languid earth-shattering kisses
time standing still
right now
i can feel your fingers slick against the tip of the iceberg
it has been so long i am become one aching horrible need and i want
to thrust myself upon you
to be filled with the madness
my mind will erupt like a volcano
and i will make inhuman noises-- oh yes dear god, yes

but no

you don't want a supernova
you want a more controlled burn

you kiss me
body pressed to mine
my waves are crashing wildly against the rocks
i'm breaking apart, i can't take it, any second now i will wail and gnash my teeth

and then you grab me up
into your arms
you whisper something hoarsely raggedly against my ear
and suddenly i feel you
not your body
you
like i felt you the first night we met
only
finally
here now

and the circuit is finally complete

you can feel what i feel
so i pull your energy into me
and explode
back into you

and you can feel it
not like maybe you will someday
but
since you never really believed me
you throw back your head and laugh
and then you grab me up tight
kissing me again

my day today...thoughts

i went to the museum
i don't do that enough
but, really
i spent the whole day in my head
which maybe i should say i do too much, but
i'm not gonna say that, because
that's who i am
and really
i like it

i like my hair pulled back
i like no make up
i like all black
and
i like being immersed in a semi-meditative state

i like being at the museum
or wherever
alone
sometimes i think i'd like someone else there
but
if i have someone else there
then it becomes about talking to them
going where they want to go
which is fine
but
it isn't meditative
or relaxing
or
doing whatever it is that i do

what is it that i do
i'm sort of asking, really
i do it naturally
have done it since i was a kid
i'm tempted to say it's a writer thing, but
that may not be right
i absorb
in a way that i don't think most people do
it's kind of an altered state

i walked through a light installation
and a little boy with his grandfather coming towards me:
blue blue blue blue
i smiled at him and nodded:
yes

that was perfect

i saw this film/video installation called city glow
by chiho aoshima
who was compared to murakami on the wall plaque
(often i don't read them but today i did)
for her use of the kawaii [cuteness] aesthetic
and
she used it well
and jarringly for the graveyard scene

i had coffee and *gasp* a pastry in the cafe
i thought about how part of the new wing reminds me of the met
and the last time i was there
and how detached i am from some of the people i should love
and yet how unreasonably attached i am to you
how you're with me
how
now
i don't just absorb for myself alone

i tried to decide if my writing has changed
because of or through communication with you
and i think yes
i've found my voice
and you need to read it
[i think i'm right there-- got you hooked]
i wish i could describe what that does for me
i can't
but
i don't think you need me to


i am saying: i thought about too much
sorry, not really editing
who am i kidding
i almost never edit these

i went to the gift shop
i imagined buying a buddha board for my kid, perfect
and the kid's art books are great
then i wondered:
would i be orienting for art
or would it be whatever my thing is
that i still don't know
the way i see the world
my world view
it's different

and
i bought a book
as soon as i saw it
i knew there was no way i was talking myself out of it


http://www.taschen.com/pages/en/catalogue/art/all/06703/facts.the_book_of_symbols_reflections_on_archetypal_images.htm

this is what i do
sort of
there were many books i wanted
some objects
but
the book of symbols
that was what i couldn't leave behind

my broadband connection went down, i lost a paragraph, and i decided it was a sign to wait on finishing that last post, but...

when i was driving
i guess it's yesterday now
i saw, like almost first thing
a buc-ee's bumber sticker saying:
hug a [buc-ee beaver logo] today
and that made me wonder:
is it a reinforcement for whatever it was
every time i see it
because it was something about you and me
and a baby, i'm pretty sure

so i was wonderin that
and i was thinking:
i should ask to see some really over-the-top-dressed
pregnant woman for reinforcement
but then i didn't specify
how she should be dressed

and so of course
it was like hochschwanger central all freakin afternoon
and a totally adorable seventeen month old flirted with me
and i'm (to his mom): does he flirt with everyone
and she rolls her eyes: yes

but then
and i kid you not
this woman walks in
in some sort of scarlett red silk wrap tunic
and my first thought was:
wow
that is over the top

so
even though
it seems unlikely
on oh so many levels
the universe [or god or whatever]
seems invested in my believing that
you will make my dreams come true
although
maybe not all of them
i have some fantasies
i don't even tell you about
because they aren't remotely titillating
they are just pruriently romantic
not sweet romantic like the sofa thing
but hard-core-donkey-show romantic stuff
stuff i'd be embarrassed to admit that i actually thought
you were actually maybe gonna really do, unprompted
at various points
but, hey
i know
you're not sittin around
carvin me a skull ring

in progress (still working, but)

i think
most of the baby dreams i've had
have centered around pregnancy
and i admit
i seem to have some sort of fetish
around the idea of fertilization
and all that seed of the womb stuff
which i always found somewhat yucky before
you bring it out in me, apparently
there's that other thing
i was never really into that before, either
it was more of a by request only kind of thing
until i had a dream about doing it to you
and suddenly
it seemed
appealing
maybe with honey from brazil

but when i woke up this morning
it seemed like you'd been in my head
it seemed like you were telling me you loved me
and that isn't the first time i've felt that happen
but it was different somehow
less like you were trying to make me listen
less like you were desperately shaking me
less like you were hugging me tight whispering in my ear: no, stay
more like something else...something...something i still can't quite describe

and the baby
he was already born
i was holding him in my arms
and, i've held babies, i'm not one of those people
who thinks they're gonna break the kid or thinks it's gonna go all bio hazard
but time was speeding up and slowing down in rapid succession
and i was worried i'd shake him unwittingly
gotta protect his precious little brain
and he strained in my arms
like he wanted to fly
and i looked in his eyes
really looked
and he wasn't just somebody's cute kid
he was made of me
and like yeah yeah, whatever, that's why people have kids
but it wasn't like that
it was intense
this kid was intense
and, to be honest, kind of frightening

i dreamed i had a baby

i don't have time now
but this was different
and i woke up
different
hopefull
i'll be able
to
explain

i'll think about it all day

by tonight

maybe
i'll be able to write about it

just blah blah, really

you know the step n tone shoes
they are l.a. gear
which is apparently some brand i should have heard about
and i really really like them
though i cannot attest to their toning ability
they are uber-comfortable

when i had my workout phase in college
i had this one thing
i would walk
and my legs felt springy
i loved that
it was a muscle thing i think
not a shoe thing
but now
i'm getting the same feeling
and
i'm sure it's a shoe thing

but my leg muscles
they haven't gotten sore
so
i don't see how they could be extra tonifying



i miss you


do i love you because you're such an enigma of a pain in the ass
or in spite of it

seriously
when i was like eleven
i read romance novels
(mostly for the sex scenes)
and a frequent plot device

woman loves man who is clearly trouble

is loved by man who is good for her

chooses trouble every time

i always thought:
what the hell is wrong with these women

later in life
i developed a theory:
never be the one who loves more


and
what happened to me

because
we got trouble
right here in river city
with a capital T that rhymes with P that stands for pool


or am i wrong

i meant to write this earlier, but then i forgot and just now remembered

i was trying to
when i went to sleep that is
trying to get into your head
i'm pretty sure i've done it before
but it's been a while
and i guess
i just wanted to be close to you

anyway
i couldn't do it
and then i was tired and just fell asleep

then
when i woke up
i was in a kind of a weird mood
so i was asking for some kind of insight
and
i just fell back asleep
but
i had this dream:

i was in a car
getting a ride
the dream started in the car
so i didn't know
not right away
why
i was getting a ride

this girl was driving

she had on some headset
might have been a hands free
that's what i assumed
and she was speaking japanese

not like she was japanese
in fact
i'm not sure now
i think maybe she was japanese
but she didn't speak japanese
i mean
she was
but not quite right
her cadence was a little off
she had pauses in odd places
she wasn't fluent
and
of course
i couldn't understand her
except
i could
a little
because she was thinking it so hard
i could pick up bits

she was describing
someplace she had been
and i kept getting
sky
she was talking about the way the sky had looked

and i was thinking
she was a little rude
for completely ignoring me
but
as i began to open up to the dream
i realized
we were driving down avenue b
away from my mechanic
toward my house

my mechanic and the several attractive sons and nephews
who have
over the years
given me rides
are all male
and
all greek

so
i do not know where this japanese girl
comes into the picture
and
as i pondered it
i am not even sure
she was talking on the phone
she might
indeed
have been
trying to learn japanese
from audio lessons


and
it was over
i was awake
and wondering
was that really japanese
how could i possibly dream in japanese
even bad japanese
what was that
about

last night's dream

i stayed at this small vertical apartment
one tiny room
on top of another tiny room
and
what i did there
was sort through records
presumably
my old record collection
from whenever
except
i didn't really recognize
anything
not even in the dream

but i slept
and took baths
and
listened to music
for days
and i came away with a large set of digital files

i returned
to wherever i lived
to a new job
i was an assistant manager
for some type of retail or cafe place
i was making the schedule
and i scheduled myself
to work from 5a-5p
giving performance reviews
then i checked with the manager:

i just scheduled myself to do reviews
then it occurred to me that i would not want
the new person doing reviews
might lower morale
do you want me to change the schedule

no, she said
go ahead and do them
it'll give everyone a chance to meet you

but
i had just gotten in
i was tired
it was thursday
the manager never posted the schedule till friday
so i didn't post it yet
because
12 hours is a long day of reviews
it's not like working 12 hours
i always hated doing reviews
i thought i might look over the schedule the next morning
with fresh eyes
and see a better way to do it
and still
get the schedule out
before
they
expected it


don't know what all this means
but
it was clear
and
i remembered it

pouring water

i woke up
i thought
i have to remember that
i have to tell him that

i went back to sleep

i can't remember
what i needed to tell you
so
i would be tempted
just to leave off

except

i have this one image

and
i'm not saying that
i know what it means
but
it is compelling
at least
to me

there is a tub
a really nice tub
maybe like one of those fancy
roman soaking tubs (i think that's what they call em)
and the faucet
it wouldn't shut off
it was just
pouring water
continuously
without end

and
for whatever reason
that made me kind of happy