last night i drank a bottle of barefoot bubbly i bought but never drank since thanksgiving, just because

i really think i needed stronger mind alteration
but that was what i had to hand

i dreamed i was in that house
the one on west alabama
i was thinking about
how i'm running out of time
how maybe i should have sex again

i had stopped for the reason i told you
but not just that reason
i was also extremely paranoid
that i'd get pregnant
by
not you
and then
you would not love me
for some stupid manly reason

but then i thought
maybe
maybe i was supposed to
maybe that was the divine plan
and i screwed it up because i wanted only you

and i was on all fours
and there was a man, not you
and i said: come on baby
he came up behind me
and i thought of other things
some event kevin smith was hosting downtown
where everyone comes dressed as their favorite superhero
why that, i don't know, i can't imagine going to that, ever
and he brought his face around to mine
and it was like
like a rapist
i freaked out
i thought:
i can't do this i can't do this i can't

and then the sun
came blindingly through the windows
and he got up to adjust the tattered stuff hanging there
he said:
i don't like the way the light reflects off the jewelry we got left
i said:
did you pawn stuff too

then i went downstairs
the coffee table had changed again
and my mom said:
you're doing better
you've got a four hundred dollar credit

i went out in the yard
which was huge
and vacant
no trees or anything
on one side there was a big mound of soil
the yard was better, i could breathe, i walked around
then i knelt and began
spontaneously
to re enact
the pattern
of this
crazy
film

it was the most amazing experience, this film
sensory
tactile
rather than visual
it was the experience of rain
but by the pattern of the drops
falling on naked flesh
with some abstract
auditory
something
like the sensory crossover
that happens with lsd

but i was remembering this
and playing it
on a green green prayer mat
on the ground in front of me

then i lay down
in the dirt
i looked over at my cat
curled up next to me

and it came to me:

the yard is big enough
it's cleared
you have good soil
you can bring forth whatever you need or want or desire

all it will take
is an enormous amount of work