i'm thinking of you...

i just feel like talking, i guess
i finished that chili
and, actually, it was good
but not chili
chili has a certain heft
density
and
oil
rising to the surface
and i added as much oil as i could make myself
but i ended up making cornbread
and spooning the "chili" over crumbles
stirring in raw onion
it really was good
just not quite chili

i'm thinking
chopped pine nuts, maybe
or would that seem gritty
anyway
it expanded exponentially
so i have too much food again


i can't figure out why you bring all this stuff out in me

why the fantasy
for example
of the family meal
that seems to me so domestic
and i don't really mean to be presenting myself that way
and i could make up psycho-babble
about the lack of stability
i had as a child
but
it might just be a nurture thing

i always used to have this idea
that it was important not to do too much, at first
because it's fine to escalate later
but bad to set expectations too high
and i think
i have probably screwed that up with you
but, really
where is the sense in setting low expectations in a fantasy


so
not only have i taken to this family meal thing
but
even though they may never come
today i found myself looking at haggadot
on amazon
and then
chabad
like what the hell is up with that
i found this:

http://www.chabad.org/holidays/passover/pesach_cdo/aid/492832/jewish/Next-Year-in-Jerusalem.htm

now
i told you that i never celebrate any holiday except thanksgiving
so why am i suddenly looking for
alternative
vegetarian
spiritually enriching ways
to explain to kids i don't even have
why this night is different

and
i guess
what i learn about myself through this fantasy
is that
the intellectual and spiritual development
of these imaginary children
is burning a hole in my pocket