grind my bones to make my bread

i am in some pain right now

i damaged myself

i was mandolining eggplant
i'm not sure if i've ever mandolined before
anyway
making thin slices
to make dehydrated chips
with a really sharp thing
and

you see where this is going, right

i cut off a slice of my thumb

not a big slice
and
most of it was callus, so no biggie
but
there is a small section of meat
which is now exposed to everything

and my first thought was:
superglue that fucker back on
except
i woulda had to go buy superglue
and
it was the kind of a thing
one would only do if everything was there to hand
not a planned out and executed strategy

then i thought:
does it really need medical attention
(which i can not afford)
and i decided:
no, what're they gonna do
skin graft
it's not that bad

water hurt, though
so i had to work up the nerve for hydrogen peroxide
which fixes everything
although i had an irrational desire to have
one of my great-grandmother's flax poultices
(which i can't see how that would help)
i didn't actually do the hydrogen peroxide until today
last night
i took a bunch of msm and vitamin c and poured some msm on it
which i had to wash off
it made it throb too bad

anyway
i don't mean to over dramatize
it's just that it was my thumb

again
though, other thumb

and

last night i dreamed
i was in a store wandering around
and malini walked up to me in all of her exotic beauty
wanting to know if there was someplace we could be alone
maybe, she said, that air pressure room over there

and i just wanted away from her

then i walked over to a shelf of books
and some guy came over to try to talk to me
i just stopped him cold:
no, thank you
i am trying to process something
which if i chat with you
i cannot do

he was hurt and offended

and i'm not sure what any of that is going to mean to you