Veg Box 4

medjool dates:  i don't really need these yet, but i'm learning that they don't always have everything, and i've decided these are very versatile and handy to have around.  two or three dates is a filling snack, or dessert, or i'm thinking i'll use them as sweetener for smoothies too.

zint cacao powder:  might start doing this for breakfast or something.  i don't want to do fruit smoothies because that's too many calories and too much fruit, but i've had good luck with like a tonic thing in the past--  you steep a medicinal herbal tea overnight so you get a very strong but cold tea and you mix that with cacao and maybe some other powdered superfoods and i add chia seeds to get the texture more smoothie like with ice.  so not milk or heavy calories but chia for protein and fullness and tonic herbs, superfood, etc.

brew doctor kombucha:  because it's still available and i love love love it it's all medicinal herbs and deliciousness.  it doesn't seem to be a current flavor though so when it's gone, it's gone.

baby broccoli:  i'm planning for dinners with brown rice and i still haven eaten those butternut squashes.

cucumber and oranges are just regular lunch staples, except i could only get one cucumber.

and then the big plan is:  sweet potatoes roasted with spring garlic and rosemary--  i figure that's some lunch some dinner.

maybe some of the spring garlic is for salads or something, depends how much there is.

and rainbow carrots are lunch and salads i think, raw.

Your order details for Thu, June 6th, 2019

Organic Box Large

Product	Quantity	Price
Organic Medjool Dates (0.5 lb)	2	$5.98
Organic Cucumber (1 ct)	1	$0.89
Organic Sweet Potatoes (1 lb)	4	$5.92
Organic Oranges (2 ct)	2	$2.58
Organic Spring Garlic (1 ct)	2	$3.70
Organic Rosemary (1 ct)	1	$1.95
Zint Cacao Powder (8 oz)	1	$5.59
Brew Dr Kombucha - Vanilla Oak (4 ct)	2	$21.38
Organic Rainbow Carrot Bunch (1 ct)	1	$2.69
Organic Baby Broccoli (1 ct)	2	$5.30
Subtotal		$55.98
Discount		$0.00
Delivery Charge		$4.99
Credits		$0.00
Grand Total		$60.97

goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

I fell asleep in the chair again
but
I wanted to tell you
I tasted my fermented beets again
and
they are finally getting fermented-y
I wish they were a little further along
but they are tasting pretty good

my plan is to use some of them
in the hummus
I'm making tomorrow for lunches
I'm planning to have the hummus
with celery sticks
instead of bread or whatever

still making soup
but maybe not tomorrow

probably roast vegetables
make hummus
do laundry
are tommorow's big chores

I love you very much sweetheart
goodnight

good morning sweetheart

hope you're having a great weekend
with lots of pretty weather

komb-who?

so
it turns out
i do need kombu
so
i was lookin around on amazon
and i found this
old school--  we're traditional and nobody makes it this way anymore--
aged two years fermented
super ultra umami kombu
and
i'm not even balking at the price

which was only 4x the cheapest available
and only double the median

but then
i remembered fukushima
and thought
where else do they harvest kelp

so
since the icelandic kelp was unavailable
i ordered maine kelp
so
hopefully it's good
i know they are supposed to have excellent dulse
but i'm not sure about the kelp

i got this

last night
i fell asleep in the chair
i woke up all dis-oriented
and just went to bed
then
and it wasn't even that late
just maybe midnight
i slept through my alarms
and didn't wake up til like 11am

i love you very much sweetheart
goodnight sweetheart

oh
and i'm gonna roast some carrots too

veg box 3

so
i still have i beet left
that i have to decide what to do with
ferment or soup
and i have a lot of citrus fruit left

so i didn't order more fruit
except dates
which i've discovered that i do like
i wasn't sure before

so i'll eat the citrus
and i'm going ahead with the gazpacho idea
but i'm using cilantro
which may not be traditional for gazpacho (need to reference recipes)
i'm also going to use some cilantro
when i ferment the carrots & serranos
i love cilantro
and it's a strong detoxifier

the sage
which i probably would not have thought of
except they included it in my box {suggestions}
i think will be good roasted with some butternut squash

and then shiitake miso soup
i may have too many shiitakes
so i may cook half until they make a stock
and add the other half for eating in the soup
or
i may have to do some stir-fry
or cook them in rice
idk
we'll have to see how much it actually is
i've got some beautiful white miso
but i need to check my kombu supply
i may need more kombu

i think the fermented vegetables are going to work out
not ready yet (the beets, i mean)
but
this is emboldening me to think
maybe i could make kombucha
such an incredible savings
i mostly don't buy it
because it's just so expensive
but i love it
and i've been afraid
but
the beets don't seem to be going rancid
or growing weird experiments
so
maybe
and
if
if i'm wishing for things i could make or grow
that are expensive and difficult to acquire
then
i want to grow sunflower sprouts
they are my favorite
my absolute favorite sprout for sure
and maybe
my favorite green
maybe

then
maybe the goats and the bees can come later
goat cheese
honey
maybe even a chicken
not
in the city
but
who knows

i love you sweetheart
not quite goodnight
still working on stuff

Your order details for Thu, May 30th, 2019

Organic Box Large

Product	Quantity	Price
Organic Bell Peppers (2 ct)	2	$3.50
Organic Sage (1 ct)	1	$1.99
Organic Tomatoes (1 lb)	3	$5.85
Organic Carrots (1 lb)	3	$4.65
Organic Cilantro Bunch (1 ct)	1	$1.29
Organic Cucumber (1 ct)	3	$3.00
Brew Dr Kombucha - Vanilla Oak (4 ct)	2	$21.38
Organic Medjool Dates (0.5 lb)	2	$6.90
Conventional Shiitake Mushrooms (1 ct)	2	$5.98
Organic Butternut Squash (1 ct)	2	$7.30
Subtotal		$61.84
Discount		$0.00
Delivery Charge		$4.99
Credits		$0.00
Grand Total		$66.83

i have to go to bed
i'm really really tired
i had beet soup for lunch
and
i was looking at my
veg box for next week
i'm thinking gazpacho

i'm going ahead with the fermented/pickled carrots
and probably some roasted carrots too
in the fermented ones
i'm thinkin i use some of the serranos

also
they have some short dated kombucha--  vanilla bean/oak
which sound amazing-intriguing
so imma probably have to get that too

they have kale
i'm trying to decide
kale's ok if you cook the shit out of it so it's like greens
but
i'm not sure that really maintains the healthiness so much

they have a good price on shiitakes
i might make a mushroom miso soup

idk
i have too much stuff in my cart right now
i need to focus and reign it in

also
apparently
i love dates

i love you very much sweetheart
goodnight

love shacks, baby

i find
i'm going through the house in my mind
trying to remember what things looked like
trying to reconstruct the size and shape of the rooms
and
i find myself fixated on the desk
in the dining room
against the wall that it shared with the kitchen
there was a compact secretary desk
it was a dark wood
nothing fancy
but it was where my grandmother kept her book keeping stuff
it was also the phone stand
and it had a black metal
sort of federalist styled lamp
there was just barely enough room in the space for it
and
whenever she used it
which i never saw
she always seemed to do that kind of thing at the dining room table
but
if she used the desk
she could just literally turn a dining chair around and shift it
over a few inches
and
there you go--  desk chair

i'm trying to remember what kind of legs the table had
and i can't remember
the wood of the table was a pretty golden-y color
maybe a golden maple or fruit wood
not like oak

i guess that's where my desire for a secretary desk comes from


i've been remembering my mother's parent's house too
the tin roof
the bathroom was in the kitchen
and there was just a wall built around it
like
you're standing at the sink
step back three feet you're in the bathroom
and there was an elaborately angled mirror across from another mirror
so you could see the back of your hair
which was genius

her parent's bedroom was light
full of windows and room
and the three sisters had a small
dark
lower
probably added on room
which was very depressing
it was a small old one-step-up-from-a-log-cabin house
across the street from a railroad track
and
i have to admit that while i didn't enjoy the visits
didn't care for my mother's family
or the screaming that my mother and her mother always seemed to engage
didn't feel connected to the people at all

i kinda loved the house
that's gone too of course

not going to be waxing poetic about the furniture
that was pretty terrible

but
i guess i come by my love of shacks honestly

I set my alarm for 9:30
and I slept clean through it
I have a whole list of chores I need to do
for the week
so I'm not happy that I slept through it
but
I guess I needed the sleep

I dreamed
about drinking coffee
there was more to the dream
but
I don't remember it
the coffee was so intense

hope you're doing well

i hope you're ok

i love you
goodnight sweetheart

upgraded

the guy who lives in the vacant lot next to my work got a bed.

he's been living there a few weeks.  he has a chair.  he has a side table.  he had a sleeping bag.

now he has a bed.
well, a mattress and box springs to be exact.
he has it wedged into a scraggly tree to provide some camouflage-- for now--
it probably won't be necessary once it's not blinding optic white.

he's invisible, you know.
he's not.
we all see him.
and, in a way, most of us are rooting for him.

there are no less than three charity boxes--  looking vaguely like small dumpsters--  sitting in the lot, which maybe he can access.  many people don't bother to put things properly inside.  the lot is mostly grassy, and someone must come to mow it because it is never overgrown and weedy.  it's nice.  i have always liked it being there.  it is a calming rest spot for my eyes amidst the over-grown "uptown" shiny mixed-usage-retail-residential.  it's like a blind spot the muggles don't see.

there's all this mystique about the lot too.  why is such valuable real estate a perpetual empty lot?

it is owned by someone not selling, that's why.  but who?  why?

i've heard rumors that it's owned by hakeem olajuwon, but i don't know if they are true.

there's a little bit of shell semi-paving, but nothing you could even pretend to call a flat surface.  and what paving there is doesn't get in the way of it's being used in the evenings as a makeshift soccer practice yard.  when i receive deliveries i look across at it, it makes me happy.  except for the no shelter from the elements part, it's a really nice place to live. 

i have this strange desire to go buy him tarps.

book-y update

so
remember when i said i was witching to the boxwalla book this month
well, this is the book selection:

the besieged city

on earth we are briefly gorgeous

the author of on earth we are briefly gorgeous is a poet and this is his first novel
also the either just taught or is teaching course at UMass- Amherst
on hybrid text
in which i am interested
and on his instagram he had the books on the reading list
and
i'm not saying i'm going to read all of them
but
i might

i'm kind of excited for these books

autobiography of red

notebook of a return to native land

don't let me be lonely

the narrow road to the deep north and other travel sketches

humanimal

dictee

one big self

arthur rimbaud

leaves of grass

the continuing saga of the veg box-- recapping week 1-- more oranges!

so
after week 1
i have thoughts:

9 green beans is more than you think it is
micro greens are a use within 3 days sort of thing
are tomatoes not in season?
because they weren't very flavorful
more, more, more
but especially
more oranges!

for week 2
they didn't have green beans : (

here's what i came up with for week 2:

Organic Medjool Dates (0.5 lb)	1	$2.99
Organic Carrots (1 lb)	2	$2.90
Organic Zucchini or Yellow Squash (2 ct)	2	$3.74
Organic Cucumber (1 ct)	3	$2.97
Organic Sweet Potatoes (1 lb)	1	$1.39
Organic Oranges (2 ct)	5	$6.75
Organic Butternut Squash (1 ct)	1	$3.55
Organic Beets (1 lb)	3	$6.45
Conventional Avocados (3 ct)	2	$5.48
Organic Grapefruit (2 ct)	2	$3.76
Organic Turnips (1 ct)	1	$2.19
Subtotal		$42.17
now i'm not thinking this is just for lunches i'm thinking this is food for the week i have some staples and i might need to pick up things to fill in my plan is to pickle/ferment 1 pound of carrots and 1 pound of beets carrot pickles are for lunches as are the cucumbers, summer type squash, oranges, and dates butternut squash i was thinking i'd just cook like plain for dinner but depending on the size i may just do the hollowed out part if you bake them face down, covered it sort of bake-steams and is really good but that depends on how far the other stuff goes because i have an idea to replace a lot of the oil in the vegan mac & cheese recipe i like with butternut squash, tahini, and white miso and those winter squashes keep a while sweet potato, turnip, beet (if i can space it) i'm going to roast i love roasted root vegetables          [need mushrooms] i'm thinking if i can manage to have leftovers i can make a root vegetable frittata i've been kinda fancying that i use croutons                                 [probably need croutons] maybe some morning star farms veg sausage patty smoked paprika so beets i'm making my food truck borscht idea the beets cook down with onion and red pepper flakes             [out of red pepper flakes] and probably other spices until it's like a beet consume (but not really because you don't need to clarify it) but you don't blend up the beets or leave them in at all you just use the broth/consume which you chill then the fermented part                         [need salt!  will alea salt work?!] i'm not sure yet i'm leaning toward fermenting it then blending the beets and the juice in the blender letting them soak in the fridge overnight and then straining them mix that with the spicy beet broth and it should be a hot and sour slice of heaven this could be lunch or dinner or healthy snack it's very healthy then the avocados can be dinner with brown rice unbelievably satisfying or avocado toast yum or just on it's own for/with lunch that seems like a weeks worth of food, right the roasted veg might be alot more than i'm visualizing but i guess if i have too much i could always freeze it, right this week was not what i'd call a success except that i didn't eat junk but those mandarins i'm like wanting to eat nothing but oranges i love you sweetheart goodnight

I fell asleep in the chair

I love you sweetheart
I've been trying to plan food
for my imperfect produce box

I did not get to see you in my dreams
I had bad stressful work type dreams

I am feeling better
drinking the pu-ehr tea
and the veggie lunch
but
I just realized
I've been forgetting the tonic

good morning sweetheart
I love you

i fell asleep in the chair

i love you sweetheart
i hope you had fun today

try to dream with me
meet me at the cabin

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

the quantity
with the two tomatoes
and
the two mandarins
was ok
green bean quantity ok too
I ate more of the salsa/dressing than I thought
greens are messy
they don't work like salad
might be a better way to do it
but
all in all
I don't know that I'm ready for
a bunch of hard core lifting
but
I already did most of that
not bad
we'll see what hunger level is like when I get home

it's gone

i'm not sure how long it's been gone
but the $800,000 monstrosity that's there now was built in 2015
no no, sorry wrong info
$1,600,000

it has 5 bathrooms now (4 full)
it's over 4000 square foot (almost 5000)
it might be 3 stories tall (it absolutely is 3)

i want my house

i have officially stayed up too late

i am not all that tired
except my head and neck are starting to ache
if i didn't have to work tomorrow
i'd probably stay up
but
i gotta go to bed

i love you sweetheart
try to dream with me again

and
why am i in my grandmother's house in my head
i've just found myself there again and again today
maybe it's the last few days
not sure

she's not there
just me
and
sometimes i'm just walking through it
but
sometimes i'm remembering things

the room that was not exactly my room
but my books and toys were there
the stairs to the attic pulled down into that room
the closet i hid in to avoid my mom was in that room

sometimes i imagine
that it's my house
and my room is my grandmother's room
the windows looking out on the tiny yard
plants everywhere

sometimes i see myself
sitting in the dining room
listening to fun house on kpft with headphones or something
late late at night
when i was staying over i guess
must have been

the piano
the pantry
the window air conditioner unit
replaced later by the central air
the tiny-ness of everything

i bet that house was less than 1000 square feet

my grandfather's bedroom
that had been my dad's
he had added on
and it was the man-cavey-est thing you've ever seen
it was just as cool as my grandmother's room
which was the one my father and i were in
but it seemed less cozy then

i'm feeling a deep craving for that house

what do you think that means?

goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much 

imperfect produce

ok
so i portioned everything out
into gallon ziplock bags
which is maybe not very environmentally friendly
but
i had them
and i was trying to make lunches
and it worked ok
i can reuse them

i don't think it's enough food
each bag contains

9 green beans
1 tiny container of micro greens
1 or 2 tomatoes
1 or 2 mandarin oranges
neither the mandarins nor the tomatoes are very large
they aren't tiny
the mandarins might even be slightly larger than average for mandarins
but the tomatoes are large for campari tomatoes
but they are beefsteaks
so
they should be good
but not a lot of volume

hopefully it will be enough to tide me over
i don't want to come home starving
because then i will eat more at night

so
we'll see how it works
but
i'm please with the quality of the food
it's a learning curve
i wish i had more green beans

the universe
sent me this musical message
free fallin. Tom petty
don't give up  justin biber
flash dance ( what a feeling)
and this last one might not seem
like much to you
but
I still remember
dancin out of the theater
tennis shoes and multiple leg warmers
feeling like magic
it's that strong
so whether it's a good song or not
it is

I did dream about you

you were being interviewed
and the interviewer
was rude
kept expecting you
to be
busting in and trying to sell something

which
actually
is what most people do do when they're being interviewed
so that would not have been
inappropriate
but you didn't

you were charming and lovely

and there was some more
I can't remember
but
nothing with us personally interacting

then
my mother had somehow screwed me
in a real estate deal
and I had to live
in this house
where I felt radically unsafe
and I was thinking about getting a guard dog

goodnight sweetheart

I want to ask you
a bunch of questions
but
I also don't want to ask you
I don't know what
to think
and
I want not to care
it doesn't matter
it doesn't matter
love is all you need
but
I only sometimes believe that
and then
the rest of the time
I think love is necessary
but maybe not the only thing I need
so
round and round I go
and
I have to go to sleep

I love you
and
that's no lie
but
I had this clear-headedness today
that felt like a sane episode
and
I found that
very unnerving

the imperfect produce box comes tomorrow
day 4 without coffee

if you could dream with me
that would be really good
I want you in my head

I love you sweetheart

goodnight sweetheart
I love you

a lot happened today i fell asleep in the chair drinking my tonic which is why this is so late

i customized my first imperfect produce box

i'm not sure what i ordered qualifies as a small box any longer

i started out with 8 items suggested for me
i ran to the back and whipped out my phone
at the first possible minute
i usually don't get my second break
but
i didn't want stuff to be all gone

they had micro green--  spicy blend--  i ordered 5, cause 5 days, right
tomato (2 count)--  i ordered 3--  cause 5 days, right
green beans--  1 bag  (1 pound i think)
mandarin oranges--  i ordered 2 pounds
that might be too much
serrano peppers
pablano peppers (those are for dinner, stuffed)
i got a 2 pound bag of brown rice which is also for dinners
some ginger
and some seaweed snacks

so my plan is micro green salad with green beans
(any extra i will have for dinner
but have you had raw green beans?  they are delicious)
tomato (they are promising beefsteak) for mains
and i'm making a salad dressing
with mandarin, ginger, serrano, and a little olive oil
i'll blend it up in the ninja
and take it in this cute little lunchable container
i got from the grove collective
(the tree free toilet paper people)

i had all these healthy bars and butternut squash
and a bunch of other stuff
but i took it off
my thought was
i'm doing this quick
before they run out
you can always take it off later
and
i was sorry that i hadn't put on another green bean
because the more i thought about it the more i wanted more green beans
but
by the time i got done with my mom at 9
they didn't have any more

so
i'm excited
and it's like $40.
which doesn't seem like much of a savings
but
each individual thing seemed very well priced
especially for organic
so we'll see

my tonic arrived
i love her packaging
it tastes like all those tinctures, kind of
but
a little like campari
so
i'm leaning into that
i put a half teaspoon in my glass i use for margarita
added sparkling water and ice
and it's all melty because i fell asleep
but
i'm charmed
day 2 without coffee
was a little less rough

i got a new brick of pu-ehr
and when it came
i was a little miffed because it was the smallest thing you've ever seen
like 4"x4"
and i'm like
yeah
there's 4 cups for ya
but no
it's amazingly dense
you cannot break it
so i'm there with a knife
trying to scrape off enough to make a cup
like it was some fancy new drug
again, i'm charmed
it's good too
rich and dense, intensely earthy


i went to dinner with my mom
and
i got baby kale salad
and sugar snap peas cooked with mushroom sized onions
and it was so so good
my mother says she's been to the doctor
and had a physical
and she's living 15 more years
now
in december
she had been to her heart doctor
and he said she had deteriorated a lot because of
the stress of dealing with shirley (her sister)
so
i'm not sure how to reconcile those 2 opposing
supposed facts
my mother is an unreliable narrator
so who knows
she seems fine
but
frail
shorter
and very very slow


i love you very much sweetheart
goodnight
love,
        rose

goodnight

i've been up like 9 hours
that's plenty

i'm going to dinner with my mom tomorrow
also
i get to customize my first
imperfect produce box
so
we'll see how that really is

i've been reducing the amount of coffee all week
and today
was the first day
with no coffee
and
truthfully
i'm very very tired

i find
for me
mother's day is anti-inspiring
so
i feel
kinda unreasonably depressed

and
i'm having intrusive thoughts
about dinners
and bouquets of flowers
and
lovely family interludes
so

i'm taking myself off to bed

goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much
my car part came
my books came
ink should come tomorrow

dream with me tonight
i want you in my head

process of a breakthrough

so
it started with my seeing what my boxwalla box was going to be-- 5yina skincare

https://www.theboxwalla.com/shop/3161/beauty-box

now this brand is a TCM based brand
so you'd think the girl who loves hanbang would be excited
but I wasn't

it's super expensive
and was going to include a $65 value 2oz face mistus
now I'm looking for the perfect face mist 
but
I already found one that's pretty perfect
and I bought two extra ones
but they're too expensive at much less $
because 2oz is about a month's supply
so I'm just just skipping mist
and going right to essence

in fact
since it's gotten warmer
I've pared down my routine
I'm using the Japanese  essence from Ulta [Kitao]
which has ceremides, green tea, and something else and is dirt cheap
then
I use the manyo factory galactomyces serum
then
I use the bonajour propolis serum
then for day I use the Josie maran sunscreen
10 pumps of white and 4 pumps of tinted
which works as makeup and sunscreen
and zinc anti blemish treatment

I wouldn't normally wear sunscreen unless I'm on vacation
because though I start to burn in about 15 minutes
I'm not normally outside for longer than that at a time and I need vitamin d

then I wear a slightly tinted primer
to lock that all in
and I'm really happy with how that looks
and feels

and my skin is liking it
not using the fight or switch serum

at night
after the propolis serum
I put on the yasuni balm
or
like last night
I cleaned my face
but didn't put stuff on it
and then fell asleep in the chair
I threw on some honua olena oil
and my face is pretty happy today

the 5yina also has an oil in the box
It's $165 for the 1oz
and it's designed for oily skin

so
it started with my saying
I don't want this box
it doesn't fit in
and at best it replaces things I already love that are much more affordable
that's not a win

and
I just have something against this brand too
idk what
the reviews for it
sound stepford wife-y

so I think
well I'll switch to the book box
except I don't know what that is yet
and none of it is available to change yet
but
most of the book boxes
haven't looked that good to me
usually only one book looks interesting
and
often even that one
doesn't look like something I actively want to read

so I think
well I'll order the one that looks interesting from April (it's an every other month box, the boxwalla)

https://www.theboxwalla.com/shop/3179/book-box-talkin-about-my-generation

and that is a Japanese woman author
from the 1960s
it's short stories
but
it's called toddler hunting

I start researching it
one reviewer says
the characters in this woman's (Kono) fiction are like the missing women from murakami
that intrigues me
but then
everyone else starts talking about sadism
and masochism
and hating little girls
and watching little boys get dressed
in long descriptive passages
and
I'm like uh, no, I don't want to read that

but I still want to read Japanese women authors
preferably  short stories
and I'm on Amazon
so they're popping up
and I find two I really really want to read

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0802128254/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1593766785/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

and then
I start, also
listening to an interview with one of the authors

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Eag3-URh2I

whose book sounds AM-MaZe-ing
and is not a short stories collection
but rather a novel

and
picking out a new fountain pen ink color

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jCGX43g1XF8

and
although I want to write the great American novel
I don't think I've ever told you

I think short story is the most perfect form

the way the symbolism and metaphor are central to the work

the poetry of the distillation of the process

and

i've always felt like i was good with the short story

and then

it came to me

i should be doing that

writing short stories

either as like a concept album

or

as something to connect later as a novel

but

to be honest

the concept album idea appeals to me

In progress again

in progress

i fell asleep
i have a bunch of stuff i wanna say
but
i gotta go to sleep now

i love you very much sweetheart

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

look
i'm all paranoid
and everything i say
seems wrong to me
or dangerous

so
whatever
i don't mean you any harm
i don't mean to cause you any trouble

if i have
i'm sorry
it was unintentional

i can stop writing
if it's a problem
or
i can keep writing
but
i love you

i do have a bunch of negative unfiltered crap
that runs around in my head
last week
was really bad
and now i'm on my period again
so
there's that

i'm going to bed early again tonight

i love you very much sweetheart, goodnight

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

car ups and downs

ok
so here's some fun i had today
saturday
as i was going out the apartment exit
the car window would not go back up
i went to work, naturally
i had planned to go early
but
i wasn't running very early
and i ended up using the time to go through
the glove box and whatnot
to move everything to the lockable trunk

so
anyway
car place not open on sunday

i managed to get it to go 3/4 of the way up
and i prayed for no rain
and taped a garbage bag over it the day rain looked threatening

so
today
i took it in
they can, it seems, order a new part
at least of this
and
it's $981.
ok
i can't do that
i say
they say they'll look for a used part
and drop me off at home

i'm like
look
if you can't find a part for a reasonable rate
can you just rig the window shut
i don't have to have a window that opens
but
i can't have it raining in the car

i call them at 5pm
it's ready
they have rigged it shut
try not to slam it hard, the guy says
and if it slips down, just bring it back
we couldn't find a part

if you find one
bring it in

so
i went on ebay
and i found it
(unless i'm mistaken)
for $100.
from a seller who claims to have bench tested it
with 100% positive rating for 1111 transactions
so
fingers crossed
i may get the damn thing fixed
maybe as soon as next wednesday

dreams and stuff

i had a very detailed dream

let me back up a bit
i've been trying to get more sleep
because i feel like shit and i thought it might help
when i sleep a long time though
i tend to wake up with my back all jacked up
so
that's not a lot of incentive
whatever
i'm kinda on an alternating thing this week
and i think it's stimulating dreams
i woke up the other day
and i remembered i dreamed about genocide
but then i couldn't remember any of the details
so last night

there was this viral video

the most viral part of the viral video
was this spasmodic blinking
eyelashes caked with mascara
it became this alien looking thing
and
then there were these signs
they were pretty big
in front of this house
kinda shaped like tombstones
i don't remember what they said
but i tend not to be able to read things in dreams anyway

so
first it was one person
maybe they were talking about being a monster of some sort
or maybe they were talking about this place they lived
and there was a bunch of speculation
was it real
or was it like a "project"

so then
there started to be a bunch of them
with the signs
and the blinking spasmodic eye thing
but
like ostensibly they had gone and joined up
and the signs were in "the yard"
and the blinking thing was with them
so
it became like a chain video, sort of

and so
i had to go and find out
what was what
and it was delinium texas
and i got into some kind of trouble


 

i stayed up late
then i fell asleep in the chair
so i went to bed very late
and i decided to sleep very late as well
so
i've been up about 2.5 hours

i had some very complicated dreams
but
in addition to being complicated
they were also pretty different than normal

now
i can't remember all the twists and turns
of the complication
unfortunately

i can really only remember the broad strokes

there was a part
where i was trying to ring a guy up
but
i had to sign him up through this complicated process
he needed a password
that was case sensitive


and there was another part
where i was going into great depth
about how i cooked seasonally
and
i had holidays i celebrated from every culture
for family enrichment
but
along with that
was food
so each section of the year
had foods
and we looked forward to those foods
but
even though it isn't seasonal to now
we were talking about mardi gras
and the cajun creole flavors
how rich and delicious
how steeped in the blending of cultures
that went into the development of those flavors

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

morning
i've been up a couple of hours
but i'm only starting to feel human
i wake up slow
it's allergy time so
all the unpleasantness that entails
and
what is with the waking up with leg cramps
is that dehydration or vitamin deficiency or what

i do feel pretty ok now
i usually feel better mornings after i drink
i think i sleep better
muscles relax more

i'm drinking coffee
i checked my social media
well
not facebook
i hate facebook
i checked the other ones
i'll get around to facebook later

i had some toast
the heb has this special toasting bread
i thought i'd try
apple streudel and french toast
i had the apple last week or the week before
it was great
i got the french toast this time
not quite as good
still good
i got some quince paste from work
and
if i get peckish later i'm gonna have that
on some plain bread toast
well
not like mrs baird's plain
like heb english toasting bread plain
it's not that plain
but it is technically white bread
and then
there is oatmeal cooking in a crock pot
with dried raisins and cherries
and i'm gonna have that for dinner
with maybe some soft boiled eggs and some
morning star farms veggie sausage patties
maybe

i planned to do laundry
and i'm still probably gonna do that
but
i'm thinking i might take a bath

did my description of my dream make any sense
i need to go back and try to re-write it
but
i'm not sure it will capture the experience
as i'm describing it to myself
it doesn't sound that exciting
but it was
it was amazing

the feel of the slide-y things
was like somewhere between flourite rock and bowling alley wood
so slick, but soft, but not actually soft
but
impossible to get tracking
so when i did the scoup thing
and, like
ally-oop-ed myself standing
it was like a levitation almost

and then climbing back up
was like these rails on the side
i had to pull myself up by my arms
it was so so difficult
but
i was doin it
and i felt like such an athlete
and

then
i was an athlete
and i was going to be competing
but
it was a lost art
and we had to find people to compete against
anyway

hello

mood is better today
maybe i should do more drinking

Dream

I dreamed there was this big
slide kind of thing
and
You could glide over it
And I did it once
And it was easy for me
And I did this kind of
Scoop thing
And I'm falling asleep so bad when I write this
There's a competitive sport in this
And they called

And pulling myself up
And putting

I have just written this a bunch of time
Dreaming apparently
Can't stay awake
So amazing
Just the feeling
Of sliding
Catching myself
Scooping
Stopping myself
Standing up

Hope this captures this enough that I
Remember it later

I fell asleep in the chair again
full disclosure
I had a rough week
I was celebrating it being over
I drank three frozen margaritas
which came out a little dry
so I wetted them up with floater shots
so
I was feeling it
a little
probably legally drunk
didn't feel drunk

I dreamed
about weird stuff
I can't remember most of it

just the blood red and sparkling moons

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

such a difficult day today
hope yours was better
love you sweetheart
And
I had to take the course again
to renew my tabc certification
the video wasn't working
so
I couldn't see any of them
and
I mean
I know the material
but
it's been years
and
I was supposed to have
uninterrupted time to take the test
which I did NOT
but
even with all that
I got a 96%
on the test
and
I'm starting tastings again tomorrow
I anticipate trouble

what will they do for a cashier
I don't think they understand
at all

and
I predict
they expect me to run up
and cashier
mid tasting
I'm dreading this

goodnight sweetheart

hope you have a lot of fun tonight sweetheart
i love you very much

I dreamed
I was in some kinda of business meeting
with another woman
someone I guess I must have worked with
but didn't seem to know well
even in the dream
we were meeting with
Japanese business people
an older man
and a young girl
who seemed to be the creative

we were sitting on the floor
in an office
with desks
it was awkward

also
there was this magazine
with fabric swatches hanging all out of it
the woman I was working with
was much younger than me
she was asking me wtf was up with the magazine cloths

well, you see
I was saying
it was a big innovation
back some years ago
Chanel
it's a very sheer fabric
but the color intensity very saturated
see
single layer-- see right through it
double layer-- see right through it

and then
when I woke up
running through my head
tequila makes her clothes fall off
which is not a song I really like
I don't know why
it would be running through my head

good morning sweetheart

I was just reading on social media
something about the like pre-season
gardening exploits
and gardening goals

and
I have always wished
that I had gardening skills

I wish
I could fantasize
about my need and goats
and
garden
that I could grow all my own food
but
I've never shown any aptitude
for growing plants
I can communicate with animals
pretty well
I feel confident
I could handle the goats
and
semi confident about the bees
but
I don't believe I could keep from starving
if I had to grow my own plants

my mother even gardened a little
and would would think
she could nurture anything
but
that's how I learned to like turnip greens

she had some beds
she got bob to water them everyday
because it's hot and sunny here
and then she'd pick them
when they were newly sprouted
put them in a bowl
with some hamburger meat
and sliced potatoes
throw a little water in it
and microwave

It was an odd combination
she's not a good cook
but
I learned to like turnip greens

although
actually
my favorite
is collard greens
with turnips added
and
I never have fresh baby ones
it's always just grocery store
or
occasionally farmer's market

I love vegetables
like, I'm hard pressed to narrow down a short list
I wish I could grow em

this is somehow fundamentally who i am

i bought some spoons

now
i should never buy anything
i don't make enough money to buy anything, ever
but
i do
i've been wanting a present
really badly
recently
and
i've been shopping and shopping for it

i thought i wanted a vintage fountain pen
and i found a bunch of them i like
but
i figured
this present couldn't afford to be over $80
including shipping
and
i couldn't find one i liked for that amount

and
the cheap ones i bought are fine
i enjoy the bobby nib pens
actually more than the other cheap pen from amazon
and that made me realize that
it's how the pen writes that i enjoy
not so much how it looks
so
i should probably go to a pen show
not try to buy things on ebay

then
i thought i wanted a new leather notebook
and i found some i liked
but
again
too expensive
and really
i don't want them to be soft and floppy
i like the traveler's notebook i have better
i just wish it had more pockets and stuff
so
i'm sticking with that
but
i have this craving for craftsmanship
and beauty
and then
i saw the tasmanian spoons

beautiful, right

but then i started looking at them
and thinking about their utility
i know
i mean
exactly
what kind of spoon i need for cooking
and none of those spoons is the right shape
so
i was like well yeah, that's pretty close
but
with the shipping
one spoon
was gonna be just slightly over $80
and
i balked

then
in one of the pictures i liked
they referenced another spoon-maker
because apparently there is a whole SPOON community
and i looked him up
and there, staring back at me
was like my DREAM SPOON
long graceful handle
squared off
beautiful rich brown
simple clean lines
half the price

and then i was like
well, hey, ya know what i also need--  a ladle
i have like three ladles
one metal and two plastic-y ones
and i hate them all
so
maybe i don't need one
but whatever

so i look around
and i find a beautiful beautiful ladle
it may not work perfectly
it's hard for me to tell the exact angles from the picture
but
it's beautiful, regardless

so then i'm all like
how much is shipping gonna be
and i put my zip code in
and free

now
they don't have that tasmanian mojo
and i'm sorry about that
i kinda wanted that
but
they have got a great story
and they are
like
exactly my style of thing, ya know

and then i saw
his kid is makin spoons too
and i'm like
i want a kid apprentice spoon!

so i had to narrow it down
there was a beautiful rice paddle type spoon
or a graceful oval cooking spoon
or some jaunty chop sticks
or
the one i ended up getting
which was a sort of "utility player" spoon

it's kinda small for a cooking spoon
but you could
if it was something thin or small
it's alittle big for an eating spoon
unless maybe soup
but
it would be great for getting things out of jars
olives
sliced pickles or jalapenos
condiments
jam
or
i mean
honey or sugar
or tasting spoon
so
i think it'll be fun

so
i didn't need any of it really
but
emotionally
i did need it
and

i got three spoons for less than the price of one

i never read young adult fiction
or whatever you call younger than young adult fiction
well
that's not completely true
i read are you there god, it's me margaret
at least
i think i read it
and
a wrinkle in time
i read little house on the prairie
but
i think i read all those because i was required to read them
i didn't identify


my mother
when i was in third and fourth grade
was terrified that i was retarded in some way
now
don't get me wrong
i was an A student
for most of my third grade year
i had the highest average in my math class
there was no actual reason for her to think i was retarded
but
i wasn't reading big enough books
and
although i was reading things like this
i was reading them in the library
so she never knew
but
you've gotta read stuff like that
if you're poor white trash

you don't have to read stupid kid books
never identified with any of em

i read, later, alice in wonderland
and i read it again and again

finally
i made my mother proud
by choosing this
and this
which she finally considered long enough
but
i really liked these books
could relate to them
and i didn't relate to most of those longer kid books

then
i found interview with the vampire
and i was off and running with regular people books

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

can I just say
how beautiful
your painting has gotten
eye sockets
and skin tones
and light playing across things
these are not easy things
and
for example
it's easier to get a likeness from a photo
but then it often looks
like it's painted from a photo
but
that must be from a photo
and yet
it has life

oh
thunderbird
I'll take that fly tonight
up through the night sky
dancing
the milky way reflected in your desert eyes
the scent of sage
misting off your feathers
penetrating
and I'm
clinging
so
tight

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

I fell asleep in the chair
listening to Japanese planner videos on YouTube
and
dreamed these crazy dreams
I was wrapped in a towel with my breasts exposed
in some vaguely mid-century parking lot
a man was living in an RV
a model walked by in a full skirted dress
I was planning laundry
but I was laying on the cement
and the sun was blazing down
the model looked at me and smiled
the guy in the RV was trying to decide
if he should stare at me
and the rather flat voice
of the
YouTube video girl
filled the air and surrounded me

goodnight sweetheart
I love you

still have no clue
what's going on
but
I hope you have a wonderful day

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart
i've had a headache all day
and i'm going to bed

i love you very much

favorite things

river boat amsterdam
write in cafes
morning coffee on the bow
evening margaritas
or wine
wine is good

long walks
over bridges
past bicycles

king day
your hand in mine
all the treasures of the universe laid out before us

warm nights
under blankets
the smell of your skin
and the gentle rocking of the boat

just stuff

ok
so i didn't write a story
but
i did binge watch OA
which is amazing and inspirational
and i highly recommend it to you

i dug out my traveler's notebook
because i'm gonna try that again
but
i don't want to write in the inserts i have
both because
they didn't really work for me
and because the last things i wrote were about buzz
and i want to start again
not just write in that
that seems wrong

i decided what i wanted was a hobonichi weeks, mega
but
then i discovered that would be a few weeks
and i didn't want to wait a few weeks
so
i went round and round and i landed on this
but i'm not really sure what the planner part will be like
they have pictures and i think it's ok
but maybe there are no pagea for notes
i was insecure enough
that i bought this
as a back-up
and maybe i should have just gotten the whole system
but
that seemed more involved than i wanted it to be
so
we'll see
one comes tomorrow and the other the next day
not sure why


so
since the kitty cut me
and i stood there sobbing
he's been really pretty careful
i freaked him out
he's got it now
that hurts me
and i've watched him trying to employ tactics
to not let himself get too wound up
he's only actually cut me
about twice since then
and one of those times was definitely an accident

he loves me
he's trying not to hurt me
and
he sits in the chair behind me
most nights
and
he sleeps on me
every night
so i have to sleep on my back
with one knee bent
to make a sort of prone lap
and
whereas
he used to only stay there until i fell asleep
or just slightly after
which including petting
might be 10 minutes, tops
i fall asleep fast, usually
it's getting me to bed that's the problem

anyway
now he stays all night, usually
which is hard on my back
and weird for me as a side sleeper

also
far from being chased away by my night movement
[which i won't do to disturb the cat, apparently]
he has also become adept at log rolling

so
if i get a leg cramp
or have to pee
it's not all that easy to get out from under him
apparently
i am an entirely acceptable pillow


goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much