i love you

i'm going to bed

i'm dragging you with me in spirit
and
if i can totally wear you out in my dreams
i'm afraid
you'll just have to be tired in the morning

i will know your secrets

one way
or
another

i feel you again

and i wonder

i mean i'm really curious

when i feel you like that, what

what are you thinking

i feel you seeing that i've written you something

as this sort of catch of excitement

but it's electrical too

i guess

what i mean is

just how specific do your thoughts get

i was trying to get answers from the ether

some sort of psychic exercise

[which might all be a bunch of hooey, but]

when i asked it

what it was that you would dream about

what about me would make you fantasize

what i got:

my skin

and

that's a possibility

whether it's true or not

this morning

when i woke up

i lay in bed for over an hour

thinking about you

what i wanted right then

was to mount you

to feel you slide against my inner eye

to bring the monsoon

to mark you with my scent

i didn't think about

procreation

only the creative force

where the mind turns off

and i'm one with everything

i want you

and

i can't stand it

i can't stand it at all

what are you doing to me

for hours

i feel you

touching me

not like a hand or a finger touching
like
a pressure
holding me
stroking my nerves, electrically

it's different, somehow

what are you doing to me

i love you sweetness

marfa has roaming bands of street turkeys

and i almost hit a kamikaze deer
the folks in alpine
are all bitter about marfa
we have art that's of stuff
they say
but i like alpine too
as a little town
it's like the texas version of chico, maybe
but smaller
and not such a party school

marfa
maybe i never said
i don't like primarily as a town, as such
it's more the landscape
and the lack of any cohesive attempt to be
something

if you read the thing i wrote last night
which i think you did
because when i got into bed
i thought maybe i was having a seizure
but in a good way

but then i thought
it might make you worry
or be sad, or whatever
and anyway, it wasn't very up

and that other thing, you know
it's so awesome that it can loop
last to first
and it works
great
maybe
you know
how awesome you are

so, i'm a bad person

i really am
i am looking at my mom
seeing every tiny way that i am like her

and
planning how i am going to eradicate that trait from the future me

my legs
totally her fault

and
does she think i'm retarded
i think yes

it's just little stuff, but it's continual
like:
i say i do not need a "triptic"
i have tried to use them and they do not help me
i have a system
she gets a triptic anyway
and then she's all like we need to be switching highways somewhere near...whatever
and i'm like, yes we need to take exit number blah blah on highway blah south towards blah blah blah in x number of miles
and still
she distracts me and almost gets me lost in san antonio
she has me taking the loop
why did i listen to her
how is looping around the city going to be the direct way
and she's all, but how can it be exit 511 we just passed exit 26
god damn it
we were supposed to say on 10
now my system doesn't work and i'm at her mercy

see
i'm a bad person

sushi, eagle pass has got it, sort of

apparently
all sushi rolls
must have cream cheese
i like cream cheese, but
not in my sushi rolls
i mean, ok, sometimes i might eat a piece of philadelphia roll
if i'm at a buffet or it's on an assortment tray or something
but i'd never order a whole order of anything with cream cheese

cause then you can't really taste the fish properly

and no sashimi, none at all

there are a few other things
but
i don't wanna sound like i'm bashing em
because i'm not

i got the spicy tuna roll
which contained no cream cheese
and is my core go to roll anyway

they brought out basically two rolls for $8.95
which left me pleasantly surprised
and they were good

they brought out a little dish of soy sauce
chock full of serrano peppers
which i ate with my overcooked stir fry vegetables
and the resultant serrano soy sauce is a happy find
much better with the spicy tuna roll
than the wasabi i usually mix into the soy sauce
which makes it double the same kind of hot
instead of layering

the restaurant was beautiful
it had the look of:

i went away to college in a real city
and discovered this whole sushi thing
and i'm determined to get eagle pass up to speed


so
serrano soy sauce
be thinking about it

not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, i made lemonade

i went to the mall

now
the anchor stores at this mall
are stores
in which i have not shopped
since i was in my early twenties
ok
maybe, maybe mid-twenties
beal's
penny's
and i don't even think i've ever been inside
burlington coat factory

but
whatev

i went in ross first
i do sometimes go to ross
but this was a really really sad ross
but
it is right after tax-free weekend
so maybe they just sold everything good

did you know they have sephora inside penny's now
because i did not, sweet
but
i found a huge score at some little clothes store
[i'll have to get you the name later]
i found
and i've only been looking for these forever
some pants almost exactly like those wide leg pants i have
the black palazzo pants
[you've seen em several times i'm sure
because they are my favorite pants]

on sale

$10
i got two pairs
one's a little big
but, yay anyway

more later
i gotta go pick my mom up from work

eagle pass is maybe the end of the world

but
just from driving around
looking for a place to eat
i can tell you
that everything's a dollar

family dollar
dollar general
dollar tree
and
i swear i saw another one
that i can't remember

it's sort of a sad place, i think

i love you

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=305029&Date=8%2F20%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

love you bunches

i love you

i was getting synchronistic indications
that maybe something was wrong
so i asked
how is he doing:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=43929&Date=8%2F19%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

and
what's going on in his world:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=410108&Date=8%2F19%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

i leave for my trip tomorrow
please
take good care of yourself
i want to tell you lots of stuff
i hope everything is ok

mach 3 energy bars

1 1/2 cups oat flour
1 cup steel cut oats [coarse chopped in coffee grinder]
1 cup hulled hemp seeds
1/3 cup maca
3/4t baking powder
2t baking soda
1t cardamon
2t madagascar vanilla
1 bag shredded unsweetened coconut [7.5 oz]
1 bag dried cranberry pomegranate [6oz] {it's a blend}
1/2 cup apple cider vinegar
1/4 cup honey [i used cucuzza blossom honey]
1/3 cup oil, half coconut and half grapeseed
1/3 cup ground chia

oh yeah and i forgot the liquid
because that would be a pretty dry bar

1 bottle lager [i used buddha beer]

they came out, not bad
not too sweet this time
but a little what might be called gritty
although that makes them sound bad
and they taste pretty good
definitely more energy bars than bran muffin
which was how they were leaning before

it's out again and i'm at a hotspot now, hopefully back up tomorrow

don't forget, i love you cholula

while i couldn't talk to you, i invented a new recipe

so
it has been happy happy blood time
and i needed chocolate
so i decided to make brownies

now
i'm not sure i've ever made them from scratch
i sort think i used box mix
and i've probably made em like three times
and i couldn't look up any recipes

so, of course i decided to make em vegan too
they came out great
not super rich
i mean they were kinda healthy
but i really liked em

i used a pretty fair amount of coconut oil
and light smart balance
melted in a pot
then i mixed in sugar and cocoa powder
and madagascar vanilla
then i mixed in most of a deschuttes black butte porter
and reduced a little
added 2T ground coffee
then i put in a bunch of raisins
after the raisins had had a chance to get warm and absorb-y
i took it off the heat and let it cool a little

i put about 1 1/4 cups whole wheat flour
1/2 cup hulled hemp seed
3/4t baking powder
2t baking soda
and a healthy dollop of apple cider vinegar [1/3 cup maybe]

i put the chocolate raisin mixture in the food processor
with 3T ground chia
and processed until smooth
then i folded it into the flour mixture

spooned it into the baking squares pan
and baked for 35 min at 350

chocolate brownies are often too rich for me
there's a lot of food that's too rich for me
so i don't know if these would be delicious for you
especially in like a side by side taster test
but they were deep and moist and chocolate-y and sweet

and i had no real expectations that they would be edible

five girls

the broadband going out
may have been
supposed to teach me something

but
more on that later

so

did everyone's shoes
get soaked in the flood

the cards today
brought up
four
references
so
i'm thinking
if no shoe soaking yesterday
then maybe today

i know
i started feeling bad
yesterday at about 6pm
and i still have a splitting headache
lo these many hours later

maybe that means something
maybe it doesn't

so, while i haven't been able to get on the internet AT ALL i've been writing you a story

Something about the Postcards

She opened the bright green envelope. It had her name scrawled in enormous child-like writing, clearly it was meant for her. Oh. It was from Ed. OK, she was expecting Ed to leave her something; but how was it possible that a forty year old man could write like an eight year old girl? The man was a complete enigma. “I'm kind of a judge-y person, huh,” she thought as she opened the envelope.

It was full of postcards. She had mentioned to Ed, who collected postcards, that she really really liked a particular postcard of Paris, would like to have it and any others that were duplicates for him from a portfolio a coworker had brought back from holiday. She thought back, “it would be great to have that one and maybe one or two more so I could frame them, make a little grouping on the wall” that's what she had said. Her fatal flaw had been taking the absolutely beautiful Prague postcard when it was offered. That had opened the floodgate to this, here, now. There were several of Paris, there were. But there was also a thick wooden postcard from Luckenback, TX. and five or six others that she wanted to just throw away. “I hope,” the note read “that this inspires you to start collecting yourself.”

She continued thumbing through them. Then she saw it and stopped. It was faded. She pictured the small bodega and the spinner rack too damn close to the window. It was an aerial shot, like they do, of Los Angeles lake and palm trees front and center. Oasis in the desert.

The broadband was down.

She was booking the rental car on the computer at work. She had somehow volunteered herself to drive her mother to Eagle Pass to teach a workshop. She wasn't really sure how. Partly it was some sort of driving bravado. Partly she needed a road trip. Partly she had talked her mother into a side trip to Marfa. And, maybe, she had been feeling warmly toward her mother at that particular moment. For a hot minute it looked like the Marfa thing was going to go away. They wanted her to teach another workshop in San Antonio. They might have to substitute a wineries tour. “Marfa is not an interchangeable piece of this puzzle” she had wanted to wail, “Marfa is the entire reason for this adventure.” She missed Marfa.

There were places she liked. Places where she felt good. Places where the very energy of the place seemed to reach out and join with her. Marfa was one of those places. It had been too long.

Los Angeles was not one of those places. She looked at the postcard again. It was kind of a beautiful place if you looked at it just right. Part of the reason that she couldn't look at it just right was that she was from a big city. All the things that she hated about the city she was from seemed amplified out of all proportion in Los Angeles. When she looked at the postcard rather than an oasis she saw a mirage. Still, that one had a draw on her.

The Los Angeles downtown skyline at night.

The small lake in the foreground is Echo Park,

just north of downtown.

She looked through them again picking out three more. One reminded her of Haruki Murakami, although she was pretty sure it was actually China; it was a pagoda roofed ghost town with a huge field of yellow wild flowers filling most of the picture – World Heritage Patrimonio Mundial it stated on the back. The second was the original Paris scene that started it all: the Eiffel Tower in an aerial panoramic view – La Tour Eiffel et le Champ de Mars it stated, along with her first initial written in black marker so that Ed could remember that this was the one she wanted. The letter jarred her. It somehow marred the blank card, and it seemed like completely different handwriting than the envelope. The third took her a little longer to choose. Really, she picked it out quickly, but then looked for something better. It was dark and somewhat brooding which appealed to her but it was also slightly out of focus. A white banner across the top proclaimed this Lord Howe Island. Turning it over revealed this to be a UNESCO World Heritage site in Australia. “Why oh why is the broadband down? I had no idea that there were was a Heathclif meets Lost island in Australia.” She liked the idea of an Australian post card in the bunch, but she didn't really like that image for Australia. So she had inspected the other Australian cards but she kept coming back to Howe Island, maybe when she was able to look it up there would be some amazing connection but for now it was Heart of Darkness, Lost, Antarctica or wherever from Frankenstein.

These would go with her on her trip. All trips for her were trips of adventure, mostly internal, and with her mother along and Eagle Pass having very little to recommend it, she expected to need more.

whoo hoo i have broadband again!!!!!!!!!!!

i love you sweetheart

i wonder
will i know when it happens

the puppyfish has been so quiet
i'm getting a little nervous

but
i'm feeling you
strongly
from a distance

and that diminished last time

maybe i'll know
maybe i won't
but
my thoughts are with you
and, sometimes
i can stop thinking about me and you
long enough to remember
[ie you actually made me forget
with the whole vibrating thing
good job, by the way]

i'm going to bed now
hopefully
i'll see you in my dreams

good morning, angel

i stayed up late
because i had to bake them in two batches
because i got a fancy new pan
so they'd be little squares
instead of big hand cut chunks
but they still took like 40 minutes
the loaf only took a little over an hour
and i baked three
ate them all week at work

so i stayed up late
and
between checking on the bars
i watched this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Py6ELLa1e2o&feature=related

and thought about you
and wondered if you'd like it
if you'd like to watch stuff like that
because i do
and
there's something extra about it being a spanish film
i should watch more spanish film

and
after that
hell, during that
i totally wanted to fuck you

and
here's something that i'm dying to ask you
because maybe it ties into the whole ginger and mary ann thing
the russian
in her cute little dress
ingenue with the legs that go on for days
that's what i'm imaginarily hitting
but
i'd never really want that, you know
i mean ongoing
but, really, even like a one time thing
does she seem like she'd be much fun

the spanish chick
she seems like a real person
but she's the one i'm identifying with
so
i'm not objectifying her, see

yeah yeah, i know, too much film analysis can change the way
you watch, anything

does this stuff make you uncomfortable
intrigue you
or
is it just
neutral information, meh

the bars came out good
i put so much stuff in em
and i wanted an herbal note, so i put rosemary
and rosemary is pretty much all i specifically taste
not in a bad way
but i'm surprised

and
i woke up with a superbad headache

well, you've been thinking something [dear god, it was all i could do not to visibly vibrate in front of customers]

and i didn't tell you about my dream
or my adventures
in energy bars
[making them]

i'm making some now
in fact

so i'll tell you about the dream later


i love you puppy

i woke up with a very strange image in my head, a double ended spoon

i don't really know what this is about yet, just wanted to talk [uh oh, i don't think you're gonna like this, sorry]

i worry
not
like
hard core worry
but, like, well i'm considering a bunch of stuff
and
oh my god will i make him fat
because i really really want to make you this:

you would not believe the intensity with which i want, right now to bake for you
but
maybe next week
i'll think you really need a special juice regime
but
i'm susceptible to positive reinforcement
so
cakes, all round

it's all cart before the horse, though

maybe
maybe what we have is better
than anything

i worry about that

maybe what you have, the whole combination
is better than it would be
in some other combination

maybe
maybe i love you more intensely, now
i mean, i think there's a lot of stuff i want
that i'm not getting
so
i can't really say this is my best case scenario
but, then i start picturing other types of scenarios
and i get
to be honest
kinda confused

what i want is

rather than pretending
that you were really in bed with me last night
arm wrapped around me
nuzzling my neck
and kinda rubbing against me

and
sometimes i worry that i'm too sexual
that i reduce things too much and so you think
this is just only ever going to be some sort of fling

i mean
i can tell myself how completely irrational that is
but still, maybe you think that's all i want, just steal your seed
and run off to the desert to raise a feral child
and
i don't think i'd be very good at that, anyway

what i want is

to get to do all the stuff i been wanting to do
to get to real-ly play with you
without losing the pretend play

what i want is to be play-mates, seriously
not for pretend
for real
play

and i want to make you so happy that you cannot believe it
and i want you to think that, though i sometimes irritate you
maybe to the point where you want to scream
that. even then, there is something challenging about it
that you would miss it, probably
and, anyway
you'd miss
me

and
your story doesn't make a lot of sense to me, right now
and i don't see the future
but
i do see something
some sort of horrendous cause and effect wheel
and it never quite equals us together
not together together

and maybe
maybe i shouldn't tell you that
maybe you'll change, in a bad way
because i said that
or maybe i've said that a thousand times before, i'm never sure

does it get better
or is this really already the best

what could you be getting from me that would be worth
all the trauma
to your world
it would take you to get it

were you scared that you were going to lose me back in february

how would that have changed your life

i'm not being a bitch
i really wonder

i cannot imagine
will not imagine my life without you

but
i have no clue what i'm doing

[and it's really bothering me
because i'm premenstrual, which heightens things
but, it's not just because i'm premenstrual]
understand

don't freak out
but
do
think
ok

i love you babka

i've had all these dreams
but they're just scenes really
nothing that makes much sense

in one i found this [i'm gonna say] wand
and i was showing that i could use it
but one of the things i did
was
zapped my teeth white

so maybe i have sensitivities to that that i never realized
i know debbie heather has preternaturally white teeth
and it looks good on her
[though i haven't seen her in a while
so could be out of date info]
but
personally
i've never wanted flashing white teeth
and
because of my coloring or whatever
they are naturally kinda translucent

i used to use, like forever,  http://lifegoggles.com/files/Jason-toothpaste.jpg

but then i tried rembrandt, and the health food brand was yucky
and i've been using rembrant for like four years now
but i'm trying https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjR92DbYnWynn5SrXKjUmtHp2fMGS1qhgVCdINwGDkJZHozaW1OhyphenhyphenI-rxsX_M-2cCL1YsqrNZMQBqRqDXdUFSgWMpXmd8bpnynQ9cTc4O9vspX5mOZ0VMabdTxDCgChBj7fpC1b-r33wHWc/s1600/optic-white-colgate-toothpaste.jpg
which makes my mouth feel really clean
but i feel like it's uber unnatural

so mabe that's why the zapping
also
i really think
the jason was the most whitening of the bunch

this is why
i haven't been writing them down
it's not gonna do much for you

hang tight
it's gotta be soon

recipe -- yankee calavance

phase 1

2 bottles dark rain [black ipa]
2 cups chickpeas [soaked]
2t rosemary
2t cumin seed
1t fennel seed
2 large onions [chopped large]
2T smoked paprika
2t curry powder
2t konriko brand chipotle seasoning
2 2x3 piece of kombu
1/4 cup wakame
1 bag sundried tomatoes [about 10 oz] chopped
3 medium dried peppers [NM, ancho, or similar]
2T black truffle oil
2T better than bouillon [vegetable]
1 cup biotta beet juice

add enough water to cover cook in crock pot o high for 8 - 10 hours


phase 2

2t celery salt
1t spike seasoning
2T worcester sauce
2T black pepper
1T black truffle oil
2 - 4 dried shitake mushrooms

it is at this point that i would add carrots and turnips and potatoes [or whatever you want] and fill to the top with water.  turn down to low and cook another 6 - 8 hours.


i haven't finished this yet.  i'm at the turn it down and cook another blah blah, but i'm not adding the other veggies because i'm planning to eat it with rice and maybe blend it up and serve it over noodles as a stroganoff.  which is why i added all the veggie flavor without the veggies.

but even though it's not done, it's pretty darn meaty [maybe a little salty].  i think we're gonna have a winner.  no wine in this one.  just beer.

breakfast with mom

who pissed me off yesterday
pretty badly
plus cousin i haven't seen in 25 years

wish me luck

no whammies, by which i mean homicide

i can't remember

i know i had a bunch of dreams
but
what i was dreaming when i woke up
i guess
pushed everything else away

and
it doesn't make any sense
it's got to be symbolic

there was this girl
and i had somehow restrained her
so she was sort of planked out from a wall
she was naked
or, mostly naked
and tallish and thinish and blonde
not like beauty queen blonde
like oklahoma blonde
and not perfectly proportioned goddess
just a normal girl with smallish breasts
wider hips

and
she was pregnant
early pregnant
and i was feeling the lines of her
the way her body filled the space
lovingly
but not with prurient interest

at first she fought to get away
but then
she just relaxed
and let me

i love you

try to meet me in our dreams tonight
let's meet in a coffee shop
in an unusual location

i dreamed a bunch of stuff i mostly can't remember

i'm gonna try to just get down bits, for now

conversation with you
i told you a riddle
you answered correctly:
bruce springsteen
we were trying not to kiss
but we did


now you were a girl
and you were kinda
well, not ditzy
but
quirky and kawaii
and
i hung on your every word
listened to all your theories
silly theories
because you were just that adorable

those were from when i went to sleep on the sofa
last night, pretty early

the ones i just had
had something to do with wine, i think
but with us and wine
they are slipping away
and i have to go to work

i love you pickle

i love you

that's just what i feel
understand me

dear mother russia

what is it you love about me
you hit me up
like 15 times a day
what's up with that

am i linked somehow
to bigfoot
or
the chupacabra
or your equivalent

i thought i maybe had a reader
but
now
i'm not so sure

tonight's reading

http://www.greenwood-tarot.com/tarot2/gwheel.php?numbers=71:65:6:29:25:7:27:13:42&deck=gt/&maxNumber=8&name=Optional&question=what%20does%20he%20really%20believe%20about%20our%20future%20together&date=no&backg=1&reading=

i love you

i've been in kind of a weird mood today
and
it comes and goes, really
i'm on the knife's edge
of happy
and
well, any day now
or maybe already
but
i don't think so

i keep having these surges
which i guess means you're thinking about me
and, i just wonder
about things

and
what you really believe will happen
and how you believe it will happen

and
if i should write speculative fiction
or
not

and
my friend is getting married
she told me about it months ago
she gave me a refrigerator magnet save-the-date
but i didn't pay any attention to the date, really
until now

and
i want you
pretty badly
and i don't even really mean sexually
i just want to hug you
and smell you a little
and then, kiss you
i have that so clearly in my mind
it's almost like it's happened
i used to think it would be all tentative, or else
frenzied
but
this is not either of those things

it's like
two people who have been apart too long
but are totally unselfconscious with one another
we're sitting next to each other
and
we just both lean in and kiss
like it was the only possible thing to do
like it had already happened a million times
like magnet and steel

not like the terror i sort of expect
with all the performance anxiety and rejection issues

like the brain chatter of the current incarnations just shut off
and we got back to whatever we had
wherever we had it before
just solid
not even lusty

just
the need
to be
one

wine

silver oak is really good
but
i really don't have any other $70 cabs to compare it to
the wines i'm used to
when i think "smooth"
i think not much in the way of tannin action going on
but this made me rethink that
there was plenty of tannin happening
but balanced
drawn in on itself, somehow
and there was a velvet mouthfeel
that kept everything civilized

i usually don't want to spend much money on wines
because i don't want them to be too precious
like the jar of creme de mer that never got used
i want them to be friendly
drink them
cook with them
whatever

but i did
almost exactly a year before i net you
spend $30 on a glass of tawney port
in a resort bar
in keystone

i love wine

question:

are you mackin on me really hard right now
or is silver oak cab really just that good

i love you halo

i love you sweetness

have a beautiful day today

i thought i felt you tonight at about 7pm, pulling on me, like where are you why haven't you said anything

i was shopping

i bought some clothes
colorful clothes
an orange shirt
2 blue, orange, and white boho chic tie dye

and
i bought this jacket/cardigan/whatever
it's mostly white with black boho chic tie dye
it swings down in the front
it's not really slimming
but i don't feel like
night grew a head is all that slimming, really
but
it looks like
slightly ritual garb, somehow
and
i hope it doesn't come off as hippie
it's some label i haven't heard of before
[so are the other thing]
they are all fenn wright manson
oh yeah, and the abstract print sleeveless shirt
that's really what got me started
i can't believe i'm gonna wear a sleeveless shirt as a jacket
and
that i'm gonna wear a bright print
but
it's beautiful
and it looks good on me
and
i wanted some color
i'm starting to feel like my wardrobe is too old for me

more this is not the story

for a while i went to an acupuncturist.  and one day --  i'm sure it was the day of your bicycle vision  --  i saw you so clearly and spoke to you.  i can't remember what was said, you know how that goes sometimes, and maybe i didn't say anything at all, really.  for me, i don't think it was a bike.  i'm pretty sure you were in a folding beach lounger.  could that have really happened?  the important thing was that i touched your consciousness.  i was sure we had a quantum entanglement.  i was sure you were tied to my mission.  i was like an activated sleeper.

did you think about me?  you were kind of a mess for a while there.  i doubt you thought about me much.  maybe, after you realized i lacked the bag of chips you forgot me entirely.  at least until you read some of what i had to say about flying.  i think now, i wrote like a starched shirt then.  ok, maybe lightly starched and with love.  but still.  one thing i'm not, i'm not a phony, and i guess you could see that.  you couldn't quite believe it, though.  and i guess i made a lot of assumptions about the kind of girl you were used to based on how you reacted.  which is part of why i wanted to be a person instead of a woman.  it always sounds weird to me:  woman.  girl sounds less oppressive.  chick, somehow, almost better.  none of this is or ever has been pathology.  i mean, sure i got the penis envy, but that doesn't make me a dude or anything.  maybe it was all just dirt from the road.  i guess you think i cleaned up ok.  i just didn't want to get lost in translation.

i keep thinking about the hollywood sign.

i love you, please don't turn out to be a delusion

why are you so much better than everyone else

why do you make me feel
so much more loved
than anyone ever has

even
when you don't say anything
even
when i'm not sure you're real

i can feel you

it's crazy

because i really believe
that you feel tenderly towards me
but also a whole host of other things
but
the tenderly has sometimes been the most unbelievable
if you understand me

i don't seem to care about anything
as much as i care about you

i love you mi pimenton

i dreamed i was taking the bus to work
and it kept raining and raining

i have to say

i like the idea of cooking for you

i want to make mole

mi semental, oops i mean mi caballo

damn you auto correct

now i'm just lelo

recipe - pois chiches bourguignon

phase 1

combine these ingredients in a crockpot

2 1/2 cups chickpeas [soaked]
1 2x3 piece of kombu
2 Tbs cumin seeds
3/4 Tbs fennel seed
1 Tbs ground black pepper
2 tsp rosemary
2 tsp smoked paprika
1 bag sundried tomatoes [about 10 oz] chopped
2 medium onions chopped
2 small dried chipotle peppers
5 large dried peppers [NM, ancho, or similar]
3 cloves of garlic [chopped]
2 bottles bridgeport dark rain beer [black ipa]
1 cup chianti
2 Tbs black truffle oil

if needs be add enough water that chickpeas are 1 inch below the surface, it is fine if the peppers float.  cook on high for 10 - 12 hours.  you will probably need to add water after 8 hours.  if you are at home when you cook this, stir every 2 hours.  if not, skip that step.


phase 2

2 medium onions coarsely chopped
5 cloves of garlic chopped
1 cup red wine [something with more fruit:  merlot, pinot noir, garnacha]
2 tsp smoked paprika
1 tsp chili powder
2 tsp curry powder
1 tsp konriko brand chipotle seasoning
1/2 tsp red pepper flakes
1/2 tsp cumin seeds

again, top off with water.  turn heat down to low and cook another 6 - 8 hours.


you will love this

recipe - pois chiches bourguignon

phase 1

combine these ingredients in a crockpot

2 1/2 cups chickpeas [soaked]
1 2x3 piece of kombu
2 Tbs cumin seeds
3/4 Tbs fennel seed
1 Tbs ground black pepper
2 tsp rosemary
2 tsp smoked paprika
1 bag sundried tomatoes [about 10 oz] chopped
2 medium onions chopped
2 small dried chipotle peppers
5 large dried peppers [NM, ancho, or similar]
3 cloves of garlic [chopped]
2 bottles bridgeport dark rain beer [black ipa]
1 cup chianti
2 Tbs black truffle oil

if needs be add enough water that chickpeas are 1 inch below the surface, it is fine if the peppers float.  cook on high for 10 - 12 hours.  you will probably need to add water after 8 hours.  if you are at home when you cook this, stir every 2 hours.  if not, skip that step.


phase 2

2 medium onions coarsely chopped
5 cloves of garlic chopped
1 cup red wine [something with more fruit:  merlot, pinot noir, garnacha]
2 tsp smoked paprika
1 tsp chili powder
2 tsp curry powder
1 tsp konriko brand chipotle seasoning
1/2 tsp red pepper flakes
1/2 tsp cumin seeds


again, top off with water.  turn heat down to low and cook another 6 - 8 hours.




i really don't think she's going to make this
and i know she's going to add meat
but what she like was the thickness of the broth
and she's not going to get that unless
she lets it really cook down
but
whatever


you'll love this

this is not the story [maybe i'm a surrealist] {is that too obscure a joke, or do you get it}

there really was a pea soup restaurant.  i thought you made that up but it was true, literally.  probably lots of things are literally true and others are true, not literally.  i've been watching lost so i'm afraid you'll have to forgive me for running on this way.  or don't.  but i can't help it.  when i pull the story together from the scattered corners with my candle and feather it's all leaven.  the red wolf, the raven, even the thunderbird who hasn't made an appearance in a while, but i just keep coming back to fortune tellers.  can you tell a story that jumps around in time and space but keeps coming back to words?  the light in the attic, the cup of sugar, the flipflops.  how much sense will it all make?  probably you'll understand it, and that's all i ever really cared about.  and the fact that we live in a world that is largely imaginary is maybe good or maybe bad, or maybe both.  but the fact that you can live there with me is the reason.

i know that sounds like an unfinished sentence.

i'm like thumbelina, pocket-sized.  i am gulliver the giant from johnny swift or is that jonny quest i could swear you said jonny quest.  i'm always there, or never there, and that's just the way you maybe always wanted it to be.

 how i met your father?  well, when i was eleven or twelve i went to a fortune teller who said i would have a child who would be a scientist;  that i would get involved with his work and that would make me live longer.  but i think the gypsy was wrong.  i don't think you're the scientist, i think it's your daddy.  and i don't think 72 is the age i'm going to live to be, i think when he saw 72 it had to do with the names of god.  i could be wrong.  those psychic flashes tend to be metaphor.  your daddy, he knew me when he first saw me, but he was tripping balls, i think.  when he saw me again, he recognized me, but he didn't think i was all that and a bag of chips.  you can't see my fiery wings unless you're tripping.  anyway.  it took years and years and several wheels of good fresh cheese until he recognized me again.  

i love you my little mousseline

tonight's reading/story ideas

what would he like to read:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=832108&Date=7%2F19%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=922721&Date=7%2F19%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

romance or sex:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=446723&Date=7%2F19%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=316669&Date=7%2F19%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

muse or partner:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=284079&Date=7%2F19%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=50746&Date=7%2F19%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

setting:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=564765&Date=7%2F19%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

any element he wants included:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=372743&Date=7%2F19%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=62745&Date=7%2F19%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=236450&Date=7%2F19%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

OK
i'll do my best

i want to write you something

but
i'm not sure

what

or if i can right now

i want to write about dancing with you in the moonlight
but
i don't think that's the right thing to write now

i want to write about the birth of my child
but
i don't think i have the ability yet

there are lots of things
i want to write
but

i'm not sure
what you want to read

i'm up late

i found a synagogue more or less local to me
that has a woman rabbi
but
it will be a pain to drive to
and
it's serious suburbs

whereas
there are a bunch near me
in fact
one is closer than the whole foods
but
that guy looks like a used car salesman in his picture
and they are meeting at the methodist church while they're building
and
i don't know

i just feel like i should try again

and the place i went before
they are all organized and web friendly
i could take their class and get my piece of paper, or whatever
so i could be legit
although
i guess it depends
on how legit you wanna get

i was trying to warm up to the idea of conservative
but i was listening to recordings on their website
and
their affiliate school was in the baseball finals
and the rabbi was saying
he supported the school not letting them play
because some things are just too important
[even though they knew that would be an issue
if they were good enough to get to the end
which apparently they didn't think they would be]

and
that's when i realized
i could never be conservative
because i was horrified


surely it's like a special mitzvah to play baseball
and anyway
how often do you make it to the finals
i mean they just forfeited the game
so they ruined it for their kids
but they ruined it for the other kids too
and reinforced
for everyone
that jews are bad sports

that's some crap
i want no part of that

i woke up several times in the night, which is not normal for me

i dreamed that two children were hit by a van
and i was trying to call 911
but i was in a strange place
and i didn't really know where i was
and the operator kept asking me questions
based on where i live
which was also kinda freaking me out
because how does he know

i also dreamed
i was in a, let's say, rite aid
[something like it anyway]
and you were there
and i was there
and she was there
and i was looking at makeup
and pretending not to know her
and she was walking around, threatening to leave
pretending not to know me

it was uncomfortable for me
it seemed mostly irritating for her
and
i'm not sure what you felt about it

the makeup i was looking at, if that has significance
was thick pencils with different colors in the same stick
to get like a blended thing
or color and liner in one kind of thing

i did not sleep well

i don't know what's up with the bad dreams

i had a very active night of dreaming

but
i don't remember much
pennies
apples
bathrooms

oh
and drinking with your friends
at a comedy workshop type thing
only
it doesn't seem like
i really liked your friends
all that much
which was
for me
kinda a bummer

i love you sweets

i'm going to bed now

i want you

i love you very much

have fun

i'm not as sure as last time
but
when i asked this morning
i get an excited response
like a puppy jumping up and down
which i found startling
and it said:

girlgirlgirlgirlgirl

so
i'm goin with girl

but
since i sorta think
it was the puppyfish
telling me
i'm not gonna go tell him

today makes the third time i've walked home

i really like
the bus ride
and
the walk

i'll talk more about the walk in another post

i'm getting freckles

i am getting a recurrent pain in the tendons
near my elbows
and i was concerned about it

so
just now
i added up
how much weight i lifted
putting extra strain on my elbows
and
if i just lifted each thing once
[which i didn't, some of them i lifted several times]

1200 pounds


my lower arms
i don't know if i like it

i walked home from work today

i haven't done it before now
because it has been like an oven outside
but
my car was acting up yesterday
so i rode the bus today
and
it was hot
but overcast because it was threatening rain

i thought about just taking the bus home
but the no walk way has a transfer

so anyway
i ended up walking all the way
then
i sang the rocky theme
i couldn't help it

it was tougher right from work
than a stroll to the whole foods on my day off
[even though that's further, well round trip is further]

but i was surprised
i saw like three condoms on the sidewalk
these are not back streets
they are major streets
heavily travelled pretty much 24/7

what gives

anyway
it started to try to rain
big drops, but just a few
and i'm all like:
really, god
you need it to rain right now
you couldn't maybe please just wait
and it stopped
until i was almost home
and i'm all like:
ten more minutes, pretty please
i really appreciate your waiting this long, i do

when i got home
about five minutes later
it just opened up and poured

cool huh

very confusing dream about babies and family in general

not sure i have time to write about it now

my aunt joan had kids
i don't think they were hers
maybe she adopted them

there was this girl
at some sort of reunion
rubbing my back
and i was trying to figure out who she was
she's grand master flash's kid

and the shower curtain bent
like a wet spaghetti noodle
and when we moved the large chair
away from the shower
underneath
was a magazine
from 1954

there was more

i love you, and i thought i felt you a little while ago

take good care of yourself
my sweetheart

tonight's reading

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=784008&Date=7%2F4%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=66562&Date=7%2F4%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=248178&Date=7%2F4%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=200158&Date=7%2F4%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

i love you honey

so many things in my dream last night, jumblemania [updated]

i was walking through
the bookstore where i used to work
and the carpet
was soft clover ground cover
like grass
but you don't need to mow it
i was walking barefoot
and i thought:
this is a great great idea

i was living in a shack
or, maybe it was a small trailer
somewhere in the tundra
or maybe a small town near the tundra
there was something dreamlike
about the life within the dream
magic or ritual, tribal
and then i came out
and something was different
i'm not sure what

this part
this part i'm hesitant to tell you
i went to the bathroom
and
although i kept wiping and wiping
i could never get clean
even later
walking around
i kept sticking things down my pants
in a vain attempt at cleanness

there was something about an art show
booths moving around
i don't really remember it well enough

and there was more
a bunch more
that i can't remember

i want you like fire baby

i hope you had fun today
wish i coulda been there

i'm going to bed now

i'm not writing it
not right now
but
i'm
thinking of you

today's reading

what is he thinking about me today:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=433826&Date=7%2F1%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

what does he want to hear from me right now:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=805033&Date=7%2F1%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

huh

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=765276&Date=7%2F1%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=celtic_cross

interesting
i'll give that some thought

tonight

warning: this might be a long post [some shit went down]

so
i got up early because i had extra work to do
but
i also asked for a sign, just because, ya know
the gate wouldn't open to get out of my apartments
so i had to go looking for the other gate

and i'm thinkin:
this is my sign:  no exit

then
i go to work
and things are going ok-ish until-- smash
i was rushing against time
and now i have a huge mess to clean up
but i get it all cleaned up before we open, so cool

and i'm thinkin:
that's my message:  it's gravity day

so
i'm all tryin to look on the bright side and shit
and whatever
i'm bouncin around and bein all effervescent and shit

and i'm thinkin:
that's my message:  it's all attitude

then i come home
and i'm hungry and tired and trying to think
what to write to you

and my mother IMs me:  call her

god damn it

my step father is having heart surgery this week


and
not to make this about me
but, shit, ya know
i can't deal

and
they don't want a second opinion
they aren't gonna research it
to know what to expect
or what's gonna happen afterwards

and my mom
i don't think she's competent to take care of him
and
i don't really want to insert myself into this
i don't really want to be involved
i don't really want to go to my mom's house
[she's kind of a horder]
but
he's gonna be fucked up after

when my dad had his heart surgery
i couldn't even recognize him after
he was gray and he looked like he'd died and been resuscitated
i had to find the bed number to find him in recovery

and my dad
he was always kinda tough, ya know
my step dad
i don't think he can handle this
my mom
is a super-crappy caregiver

i don't like this landscape at all




no exit
gravity day
it's all attitude


shit

rushing now, write later

i'm thinking about you
and
i hope everything is beautiful
like it should be

and

big kiss, baby
i love you very much

i love you

and about that other thing

scary

i thought i felt you this morning

like a tugging on my soul:
need you
want you
now, already

and
i dreamed
i was working in a shop
and it was christmas time
but
it was awesome because there weren't any
christmas decorations or obvious crap

there were dove tea pots
and cookware with bright abstract
enamel pictures
painted into the finish

i love you

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=720282&Date=6%2F25%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

making baba ganoush for the first time

ok
i really hope you love eggplant
because
i have now gotten that cooking and peeling thing
down


i went to the farmers market
i bought 6 scratch and dent eggplants for two dollars
[in this case, scratch and dent just means
ripe and not too pretty]
so then i had to figure out what to do with em
i had not actually planned to buy eggplant

i was gonna do brown rice and broccoli for dinners
and tabouli for lunches [with quinoa]
but then i saw the eggplants

now
i thought about doing a bunch of different stuff with them
but
when you cook em in the oven like that
they cook down a lot
and the other ways i've cooked em
i use a lot of oil, or cheese, or whatnot
so i decided to go all in

i over seasoned it a bit though
i seasoned 1/2 in the first batch of food processing
but, in the second batch the roasted garlic was ready
next time i will just use roasted garlic and salt, i think
i mixed the two batches together and i didn't like it as well

i also made hummus
and
turns out roasted garlic was the missing ingredient there too
and smoked paprika

and for both these dishes
i think the tahini is more important that i thought before

this is the stuff:

it pours out of the jar

which works better

and

it tastes good

i saw finding a friend for the end of the world

i expected it to be a comedy
ya know, from the previews

but it was sad and touching
and it made me think of us

i mean
it's not like it was really the end of the world
but, really, it might as well have been

and
really
a movie doesn't have to be a masterpiece
to make me cry
if it hits me just right

i was, a while ago now
in a hotel room in chicago
watching fred clause
and bawling my eyes out
because, somehow, right then
probably any christmas themed movie
would have been more than i could stand
and
that was before i really knew, ya know

*spoiler alert*
but
when he's lying there next to her
and she's wishing she'd known him when they were kids
he says:
no
it had to happen just this way


and
maybe
that's true for us too
maybe

i love you

voodoo tarot, you are just punking me now

i asked it:
what is he thinking about me right now

but
i didn't do single card
i told it choose for me
and it gave me this:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=685704&Date=6%2F20%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=

but
if you're thinking about me right now
i find it hard to believe
that
this
is what you're thinking

so
i don't know what to think
about that

something made me ask, not sure what

is he healthy:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=82181&Date=6%2F20%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=1969&Date=6%2F20%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=496305&Date=6%2F20%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

i don't mean mentally
or
superficially
i mean
physically
and from depth
is he healthy:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=825582&Date=6%2F20%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

i'm not sure that i'm comfortable with that answer

will he live to be 120:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=446951&Date=6%2F20%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

clearly no


is there any physical illness, currently:


http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=810128&Date=6%2F20%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

looks like nothing serious
though
possibly something mild, nonscathing

will we ever live together as a couple:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=190554&Date=6%2F20%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

i gotta love the voodoo tarot for this
because
my decks at home aren't so sure
but this deck
always answers that question as a yes

i decided something weird today, i may be having another midlife crisis

ok
so i haven't done the walking thing, yet
but today
i wished i had
because i think i've got the shoes broken in
and
i really wanted to walk home

that's not the weird thing

just kinda spontaneously
i thought to myself:

am i too fat to ride a bicycle
how does that work

because i loved riding my bike as a kid

but
i haven't done that
since i was a kid
and
today
i said to myself:

i want to do the MS150 next year


and
i was all like:

you do? since when are you interested in that?


since now, i guess

tonight's reading

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=356577&Date=6%2F17%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=821338&Date=6%2F17%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=615811&Date=6%2F17%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=85903&Date=6%2F17%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://puppyfishing.blogspot.com/

i love you

i love you

i don't know what will happen

or how whatever will happen will happen

but
i love you so much

i hope
you understand me

i hope
one day
you know me when you see me in the street

i picture now that picture from WWII
you know the famous one of the couple kissing in the street
but
i picture it a little less tame
i want to read the braille of you
i want to inhale the scent of you
i want to dive into you
figuratively

i don't want to own you
but damn
i want you
all of you, every bit


and
the things that keep us apart
god knows about that stuff
god must be fine with it
and
i don't pretend to understand

why

i just kinda took myself on a date

now
i really thought i was a cheap date
but, damn, i really better put out after that

i just had
what has to be
the most expensive deli meal, ever
and, if it's not, i don't wanna know

i thought i was ordering a la carte
but
apparently not
and
a bottle of he'brew is five something, really
i didn't ask
and they didn't tell
[ GENESIS DRY HOPPED SESSION ALE ]

but
it was awesome


i have had lox, and
i like them, they're fine
but i never got all excited about them
probably they weren't very good lox, anyway
but recently i read or saw a documentary about, or something
that you weren't really having lox unless you were having belly lox

so i got the sour cherry soup
which, really
i coulda skipped
shoulda got borscht
i got a poppy seed bagel
with cream cheese and belly lox

i don't quite feel i can believably pull of an oy gevalt
but, like seriously, belly lox is my new favorite food

and the cheesecake
was totally worth the 8.95 i didn't realize it was
it was like milchig heaven this meal

so then
the night was still young
i walked myself down to the DSW
maybe just to look
but
maybe to get some better shoes
because
i have pretty much resolved
to start walking home from work
it's only a little over two miles
i figure i can't really walk to work
because i'd be all sweaty and yuck
and then i do a lot of lifting and toting and running back and forth
when i'm at work
so i don't want to be tired before i start

when i get off work
my feet usually already hurt
and i'm exhausted
but
i actually think the walk would energize me
more than traffic, anyway
i just need better shoes

so
between walking to the bus and from the bus
and walking home
i'd get an extra, i don't know
three miles, give or take


the DSW was a shocker
why is everything a flat or a stripper shoe
there wasn't even anything tempting except sports shoes
in the whole frikkin place--  yuck

i tried on some rykas
and they were comfy
then i tried on some mizunos and they were electric
it's like they were pulling energy from the earth's core
and shoving it into my body through the soles of my feet

they didn't seem quite right though
i kept kinda tripping on my feet
i think they were correcting for something
something maybe i didn't need corrected
they were wave nirvanas
then i tried wave creation
i didn't want to take them off even to buy them
but i did
they gotta check to make sure they're the same size and whatnot

i am so happy

i don't even care if i put out

remembering my dreams

sometimes isn't easy

i was trying
but
they were sounding
a little like they might upset you
so i stopped

there was a girl in a sparkling shorts suit
stars and stripes

but
i got the distinct impression, somehow
that she was you
and she was leaving me

there was a ballet or opera or something
and i was looking at characters
in boxed up personas
pull them out
see the whole of the character
like some holographic trick

and the characters all seemed to be villains

there was more
but it was all weird
and symbolic, i'm sure

it's very rare that i go back to bed once i'm awake
i rarely sleep till 4 in the afternoon, regardless

my head still hurts today
and
i see no front forecasted
so
maybe it's some sort of menstrual cycle thing
that i never associated with that
pre-menstrual migraines
now there's something to be happy about

i had the same issue at least last month
[although there was a storm last month]

i'm not exactly sure when to expect my period
because i saw no evidence of ovulation this month
so, best guess
today or tomorrow

what do sports peppers and neon green relish say to you

me too

now
maybe where you are
there are a lot of chicago expats
but i'm thinkin not so much here
so when i saw the neon green relish, i perked up
but
i've seen that one before
and it's not enough to make me want hot dog
not by itself
but
when i saw the sports peppers

be still my heart


now
tofu pups
though they sound great
taste, not so much with the good
but veggie patch makes one that isn't noticeably vile

but then i realized
i don't remember exactly what goes on a chicago dog
last time i was there i was already not eating meat
so, it's been a while

i think tomato
but not ripe tomato
and i've only got juicy little camparis
pickle wedge
what kind, kosher dill, not sure
and forgot it at the store
didn't have those
but
that wasn't what i was missing

there is something critical missing

and then
on the last bite
it hit me

celery salt

i woke up with a headache, and i did the unthinkable and went back to bed

i had weird weird dreams

i'm trying to piece them together

tonight's reading [emperor]

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=475150&Date=6%2F11%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=

i want to kiss him:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=760625&Date=6%2F11%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

does he remember meeting me:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=22668&Date=6%2F11%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

what does he wish i knew:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=334932&Date=6%2F11%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

what do i know that he thinks i do not:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=459770&Date=6%2F11%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

not sure what this means

i love you, sweetheart

tonight's reading

have i ever hurt him:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=139400&Date=6%2F10%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

is he ok, or is he having trouble:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=563256&Date=6%2F11%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

i guess you're ok
i worry about you, you know
not that i think you can't deal, or whatever
i mostly worry that something might happen to you
but
i don't get any sense of that
just maybe
busy
or frustrated by people or situations
probably busy
you seem
energetically farther away

will everything work out for him exactly as he wants
in business:
http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=572707&Date=6%2F11%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single
i not say that is a yes
but
not a no either
wild card is specific to the voodoo tarot, it's extra, wild card

in his personal life:
http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=644562&Date=6%2F11%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=64424&Date=6%2F11%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

this is a special card of ours too

i want to say a bunch of stuff

really
i want to write a story
but
i can't right now
so
i'm just gonna ramble


i want to tell you, puppyfish
tell you if it's a boy or a girl
but
i'm not sure
i have feelings about it
and that's interfering

i can talk to you about pancakes

--  i have been on a quest for fluffy
the protein shakes kinda backfired--

i thought that since i had been having cravings
intense cravings
to buy rotisserie chicken
and eat the entire chicken
peeling the flesh off the bones
in an obscenely carnivorous fashion
that maybe
just maybe my body wanted protein

and
it did actually seem happy to get the protein
my aches and pains got better
so i assume protein enhanced tissue repair
but
my body also said:

you expect me to schlep, on, excuse me, no carbs


and
pancakes
are, i guess, a comfort food for me
i never buy them when i go out for breakfast
not even at ihop really
because i don't really like the ones you get out

the batch i made this morning was big enough
i am just now thinking about eating again
and that was like 10 hours ago


these are the most little-popping-air-bubble pancakes
i've ever made
so i thought
i'm almost at the recipe
i'll show the puppyfish

there are several tricks
i used more baking soda
i also use baking powder
i use milk
but i add vinegar to make it "buttermilk"
except that it doesn't actually make it buttermilk
because i use umeboshi vinegar
[don't freak out
and i use a pretty fair amount]
the idea is
it reacts with the baking soda
but the umeboshi makes it a little salty and a little sweet
[because i don't use sugar]

now
when my gran gran made pancakes
she had a couple paper towels soaked in
mazola or something
and she'd wipe the pan with it between every pancake
and
i have always done some sort of modified version of that
until this week


this week i said:
it's a frikkin non-stick pan
you do not need oil
and
they are so much better

but back to the recipe
i also have a tendency to make the batter too thick
because i have historically liked them dense
but now i want them fluffy

the other trick
is beer
the carbonation is probably the thing
that actually does the trick
but
the beer gives it flavor
this time what i had was milk stout
and i am a fan
especially since i used 1/2 whole wheat flour
it is eventually my plan to blend in some mesquite flour, too
but
i haven't gotten that yet

i've been using avocado oil
because that's more buttery
[to blend into the mix, i mean]
and ginger
fresh might be better
but i have a bottle of ginger people ginger, so

the other other trick is eggs
use more
however, i am amending that, from today
more egg whites
because the egg yolks affect the flavor
as mentioned before with my sad chia cakes
but
as it turns out
you can reach critical mass on the egginess

last time i used 3 eggs with 1 cup of flour, fine
today 5 eggs with 2 cups of flour
too eggy
and maybe all egg whites would work
but
i'm thinkin
for 2 cups of flour
probably 2 yolked eggs and 4 egg whites
unless you're using all white flour
[like i did last time]
and going for a challah-esque flavor

-- oh, and i made a topping last time too
because i didn't want thick gooey syrup
[which i don't actually have anyway]
or honey
so i heated light margarine in a pan with some porter
[the beer i used last time]
and some lingonberry jam
which gave the whole thing
a kind of deliciously scandinavian flavor

also
i have an electric stove
which i hate 
i learned on an electric stove
but
once you experience gas
well, then you're cookin with gas
electric oven
different story: better
so now i finally understand
the whole separate cooktop thing
anyway

i have traditionally had issues
the pan is too hot
the pan is not hot enough
the other other other trick
[besides the non-stick pan]
pre-heat the pan properly


just start before you finish mixing
and then
after you finish mixing
walk away for a few minutes
so the batter can do a little volcano science experiment of fluffiness
and voila

as soon as you pour the batter in the pan
it starts sending up air
which is how you know it's time to turn
when it's all covered with holes
so
you have to watch the edges, a little

i may have weird taste
because i like buckwheat pancakes
but these are not like that
they're just closer to that than say a bisquick pancake
what with the whole wheat and the milk stout

i liked em
and
puppyfish
today
i kinda made em for you

i love you

tonight's reading

is he happy:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=380512&Date=6%2F6%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

what is he thinking about:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=515560&Date=6%2F6%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

what does he want from me right now:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=790381&Date=6%2F6%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

what is he feeling about me right now:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=193735&Date=6%2F6%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

what does our future look like:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=908110&Date=6%2F6%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

i love you

religious thoughts

so
it's coming back around to the cycle
that i don't get

this is what i don't get:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BVNKdx1Wt7M&feature=related

i don't much care for the god as daddy metaphor
but, whatever, we'll run with it

where does daddy go
for apparently
everyone else

where does this disconnection start


i would never need to get ready for inspection
i assume i am being minutely inspected, constantly
mostly by myself
but
as part of the same sort of thing
more like constant karma
you reap what you sew
but
nobody's perfect
so
just try to fix the screw ups
on the ground
in real time

this is not contrary to my understanding
of jewish ethics
[am i wrong]

so then
what gives


now
where i realize
i'm different
is that little conversation
when i was about eight:

i love you god, and
i'll do whatever you tell me to do
just tell me

and
i didn't mean some sort of vague, general love
i meant love however i understood love at eight
for the one who had been there for me
and hadn't hurt me
from the beginning
it wasn't fatherly love
it was intimate


now
it has occurred to me, since
multiple times, actually
that it might not actually be god
it might be
a spirit, an entity hanging around me
that's possible
they talk about psychics having stuff like that

but
when i've felt entities they have seemed very separate
and maybe that's because they were not nice entities
so they were at a different frequency
so
maybe what is with me isn't GOD
but it vibrates on KGOD
so
i figure good enough
and
i want to vibrate on KGOD frequency too

so
i don't really ever disconnect

i get depressed
and god is there
but god steps back, you know
i get really angry, sometimes stupidly
but god steps back, you know
it's always
me and god
"god-daddy" never leaves
i would have to turn and walk away from "him"

embodied text

today
there was a note
that a girl who works with me wrote
i don't really know her
but
it was a cute little note
and
she had cute little writing
and
being the way i am, i had to read it aloud

then
this guy
the one from the facebook thing before
he says to me:

i will only respond to you for the rest of the day
if you talk like that

my first thought:
shit
how did i just talk
i couldn't have done it cold
i had to go and look at the note
and then i could do it

it was not necessarily how she talks
i wasn't trying to imitate her
it was how her writing looked, embodied

i act things out
i don't mean to
i just do it, semi-unaware

i guess
not everybody does that, huh
but, really
how can you not

i love you

tonight's readings

does he understand what i mean
with the 5 rings:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=510924&Date=6%2F3%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

this clearly means yes
7 of swords has a particular meaning for us

is he unhappy about something:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=395193&Date=6%2F3%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

this doesn't say clearly yes or no
what is says is suddenly
it might be a communication of some sort
but not necessarily
i just asked if you're ok
and
i got the same answer

suddenly good, or suddenly bad:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=955777&Date=6%2F3%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

what would he most like the universe to manifest right now:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=984790&Date=6%2F3%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

does that mean he's trying to plan something:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=672522&Date=6%2F3%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

what does he most need from me right now:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=50300&Date=6%2F3%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

i am assuming

that you know what i'm talking about
of course

if not

oh well
it has been a while

good though
i keep getting cards
that say
you think
maybe i'm sayin somethin bad

when the gypsy told me

about the five rings
i was being coy

i
always knew
what that meant

did you think, i wonder, that i didn't

sorry, but
i've been thinking about that, today

that, and
how long it's been
that, and
how much i love you
that, and
how much synchronicity there is, everywhere

like, seriously

hello tiger

you must have been
thinking about me
just then

today

i went to breakfast with my mom

it kind of depressed me

so then
i had a slightly crazy episode
i
do not want to be depressed
and
i decided
that what i had to do
was find a happy scent
something that smells like the beach

i wanted a diffuser
i would have settled for a candle
but
all the "sea" scents
aren't really
they don't smell salty
or seaweedy
[i'd never say fishy]
they always have this very
artificial "marine" smell
that i've learned from experience
i cannot stand

i came close
with:
http://www.candleluxury.com/aquiesse-santa-barbara-candle.html
and
http://www.candleluxury.com/aquiesse-costa-rica-candle.html
[which though it's not ocean is very wet and green and jungle-y]
and
maybe if they'd had this one:
http://www.candleluxury.com/aquiesse-shoreline-diffuser.html
maybe it would have been perfect


a smell can make me happy
it can
and i was feeling like
like it's never gonna happen
like my life is a trap

but
i failed at the scent mission
so
i made myself feel better
another way

i once lost 30 in 3 weeks
having protein shakes every 3 hours
so, i bought the closest thing i could find
to what i remember of the formula
and
i'm doing that for a few weeks
big salad for dinner

we'll see how it goes

i looked at this website: my body gallery
that shows you real people of whatever size
and for some reason
i like this one:
http://www.mybodygallery.com/photos-20168-body-shape.htm#img
but
she weighs 124 pounds
*sigh*

i love you