But when it was almost noon and I hadn't heard anything from her I called her
When I've gotten back from the vet my head started to hurt and it was getting worse and worse
And I was like you know hey if you're not coming I want to go lay down
And she's like I'm moving really slow today I have some things I need to do
Why don't we just skip it
on paraphrasing she didn't say why don't we just skip it she said something else like I don't really want to come pick you up anyway
So I went lay down and even though I had slept for like 7 and 1/2 hours or something I just slept for like another I don't know like 5 hours or something
And then I got up and then was like a whole Gen x thing and I really I don't know why but I love Gen x threats I love them it's like every time I feel like I found my people
I mean I don't feel any need to do anything with my people I mean like whatever you know
But it just makes me so happy to engage with Gen x thread
Anyway
I hope you're doing okay and then have them freaked you out in any way I feel as though I've had some very disconnected behaviors
Basically I love you
I'm not trying to fight
I'm not upset about anything
And I found maybe a podcast
It's an art review podcast
I haven't really listened to it yet so I don't know might suck but it seems promising
I found a new tarot deck then I'm kind of excited about
Are you signed up to get vaccinated
Not really sure what they're doing in your state
Anyway I'm on the wait list but I don't know how soon I can expect anything to happen
Both of the websites said they had limited supplies on hand
Although since I'm obese
Perhaps I'll be at the head of the line for the 50-year-olds
it's not like I don't have any nervousness or trepidation about vaccinations
I distrust the government
I distrust doctors generally
But the way these vaccines are formulated or put together or I'm not sure exactly what word I want to use here
It seems like there would be less risk than in general with vaccines because you're not trying to find the perfect amount to build up your immune system but not actually give you the disease this just contains peace to introduce it to your immune system
So that it can start building things to fight it so that when it sees it again it knows what to do
I know I suppose there's some way that could go wrong
It seems like the ways in which this particular situation would be likely to go wrong is that it goes you know off ice for too long or becomes ineffective so that you think your vaccinated but you're not really vaccinated that seems like a much more likely scenario than that something in the vaccine is going to make you have some horrible problem down the line somewhere
But I'm not a doctor I could be wrong
I've seen pictures of people standing in line to get vaccine that have looked kind of like too many people and too small of a spot
But I don't know that that is the norm
In fact I really don't know what is the norm
And I'm hoping I can just go down and get the shot at HEB that would really be within my comfort zone
I said the result of some of the tinctures I've been taking I suspect nettle I've had some interesting developments my nails which have never been strong they've always been very flexible and not necessarily you know bad nails but just not strong like when I was in high school and I was wearing long nails I put a lot of coats of Sally Hansen on the front and I also put them on the underside and extra on the tip and they would still break pretty frequently and have to be repaired and what not but you know they've always grown pretty fast and though I've periodically had some problems with them being a little brittle you know nothing bad
Well now the thumbnails are so strong I can't bend them at all and the other ones are hard to bend so they seem much stronger and although I still wouldn't call my hair on the top of my head thick I had a part that was I don't know not super wide not like you know sometimes women get thinning hair and they get those parts that get to be like you know an inch wide or something and I never had that but I had like you know a little bit wider than it was and let's say it's Hay Day
Well I looked at myself in the mirror today when I got out of the shower and I was like where is my part because it's all sort of filled in
I'm still not going to say it's like thick lustrous hair
But I was kind of startled
I guess that must have been happening gradually cuz I haven't noticed it before
Although to be honest with you I'm not really looking at it very much
I feel certain that I've mentioned this before but I don't know how many of the my new details that I mentioned are likely to stick so I'll mention it again that I got my first little spider vein thing when I was like eight or nine years old it's hereditary thing that I've never been very happy about
And at one point I felt like it was really bad I felt like I had big varicose veins as well and maybe I still do on the back of my thighs somewhere it doesn't show in any of the mirrors I've got I don't know but I just don't see I just don't see anything that's bulging out of my leg and I'd say the spider veins are pretty minimal
I mean I'm not an underwear model I'm not saying I look perfect or anything but I'm saying
It's noticeably better that's all I'm saying
I'm not sure what that's from
Vitamin c maybe
Although it can't just be vitamin c
And you'd think with all this that I'd be saying and I feel better but I don't know that I feel better
My hip feels like it's slightly out and I've been stretching and doing all kind of stuff to try to get it to go back in but I can't seem to make it do it
And it doesn't hurt that much when I'm standing up but it hurts when I sit down and it hurts when I get up from sitting down
It doesn't really hurt while I'm sitting down it's just when I'm moving between the things
Anyway whatever that's not interesting
anyway maybe after I get vaccinated I will feel safe to go get my eyes examined I really need new glasses but I have not felt safe to do that cuz it's you know so close
But it's been like I think 8 years since I got new glasses and I really need new glasses
And the degree to which I'm on the computer all day every day for the last year has really put some strain on my eyes
Anyway my hope is
I'm okay
You're okay
We are okay
And if I've done anything that has made you feel like that's not the case then I'm sorry that was not my intention
I do feel kind of weird
I don't know whether it's hormones
Or depression
Or malaise
But I just feel kind of unsettled and not great
And I'm kind of trying to snap myself out of it
Mainly I'm just having trouble focusing I think I'm kind of skipping around in a way that makes me feel like I'm never quite got a handle on anything I don't know if it's ADD or not
I've read some things that people have written about how they didn't realize they were ADD until they were adults and then they realized they were and a lot of it sounds very familiar and like issues I have but I don't think I could possibly be ADD
I think there are enough counter indications that I just don't think that can be what my issue is
Oh and I had a dream I was going to tell you about
I dreamed I was like in this dark club or something and all the cool kids had these tattoos mostly on their wrists but sometimes on other parts of their body that were like Roman numerals only not really Roman numerals cuz they didn't have the little I don't know what you call those things they were just straight line they didn't have the little columny looking chit
And it was mostly like
lll llll
Although now that I think about it that wouldn't be how it would be would it
It would be like
lll lV
But anyway I was trying to figure out what it meant because surely they weren't just getting these things tattooed on them for like no reason surely there was some meaning and I was trying to figure out what it meant
Anyway the cat is having a little bit of reaction to his shots I don't think he's running a fever but he feels kind of bad and I promised him I would go to sleep earlier which you know maybe I lied cuz it's already kind of late
But I was going to go to sleep by 3:00 so is it 3:00 Yes it's almost 4:00 okay so I guess I lied
Poor Kitty is having a bad day he had to go to the vet and he really does not like to go to the vet
He likes to come home from the vet because every time that I take him to the vet and then I bring him home it reiterates to him that he's not being taken to a place where he's going to be given away to somebody else I think he was very traumatized by his foster mother he thought that that was his home and then he got given away and it really hurt him and so he's and there may have been somebody before that I don't know but he's very mistrustful
And he's gotten to where he isn't he knows that I'm not giving him away but when I take him to the vet and then I bring him home at reiterates for him that he's not being given away so usually once he gets home from the vet then he's very happy but he didn't have a chance to get very happy because he got home and he had to decompress and then he got some food and then almost immediately they started using leaf blowers outside and he really hates that so he went and hid
And then he started feeling bad
And he wasn't indicating that he was having a serious problem and needed attention but it's very triggering both because of earlier episodes with him and because of buzz so then I'm having to kind of talk myself into being calm about it and he came down I guess about an hour and a half ago now and he had some food and he was kind of like he coming to bed and I'm like almost kitty just like another 45 minutes but then of course it was another 45 minutes on top of that so I have bad mother and a liar
But really I just can't make myself go to sleep I've got some kind of block against it clearly
That's been an issue I've had ever since I can remember I mean even as a small child I did not want to go to sleep did not want to did not want to not because I didn't want to be asleep I got no problem with being asleep and I got definite problems with getting up but I just don't want to go to sleep
It defines all reason really
I'm glad that it's not important that I make sense that I be able to explain myself and that I'm a coherent logical equation
Because if that was something that I considered to be necessary I would have a real problem with myself
Anyway I love you very much
Sleep well sweetheart I'll talk to you in the morning 💋
