so, what we've learned this week

when i'm sick
i don't so much with the self edit
but apparently, usually
a lot of self edit going on

i'm starting not to be as afraid
which i guess i was before
that if i get to be a drag
maybe you'll lose interest in me
i didn't think
i was super worried about that
but
it looks like i spent more time
on it than i had previously thought

i need to get more sleep, generally

i think
i am starting to
get to some issues
bring the sub conscious to the surface
like the thing with debbie heather
what the hell is that
i don't believe for one minute
she's in the corner burning sage and trying to enter my dreams
that's gotta be my insecurity, or whatever


i want you to be happy
i want to make you happy
i don't want to be freaking you out
making you feel old and tired and like goddam you wish you didn't have somebody else giving you something to have to worry about

i still am not well
i got a killer headache
and i'm going to bed now
i have to go to work tomorrow
but i'm pretty sure i'm not going to enjoy it

i am very glad i met you
and i am very glad you are a good person
and however you need to conduct your life is your business
and i'm not trying to give you any grief

i am feeling pretty secure with you
i still don't really understand you
but
i guess
i think that some day
maybe you'll feel secure enough with me
to show me
and
in the mean time
i guess
i'll just trust you

how's that

alright, i said i'd try to describe the dream, but i think the tricky bit was the part about the game

i was living somewhere different
away from anyone i knew
i was kind of excited about this change
but a little scared

it was small
and i think i walked everywhere
but it was a city, not a town
maybe somewhere like berkeley
i think i was in school
and i had some job, although i'm uncertain what it was
maybe not, maybe i was writing something

i hung out in local spots
there seemed to be hangouts
that didn't cost anything where you could just sit at tables and work uninterrupted for hours
and
i also frequented the hipster coffee shops
well, i couldn't really afford them
but i went sometimes
they didn't believe in friendliness or customer service
not at all
and i had mixed feelings about that

there was a girl who looked a lot like shosh
and i'd go there sometimes because i miss her
but she never smiled
and that was too bad

anyway
so i'm hanging in the culture of young people
and i was bound to pick up something

there was this game
it came from somewhere
maybe a reality show
i don't know

it was most famously in example with this brother and sister
who had there minds expanded and relationship deepened
by playing this game

and
i don't think anybody really knew the rules
i think there was a difference of opinion
about the whole philosophy
governing the interactions

but
even though i've been trying to think, hard
i just can't remember clearly anything meaningful to say about it

i think the trick was
you had to play the game
to find out how you play the game

so
i go to this group
where everyone is going to try to play the game
i know a few people, but not well
it's just the kind of thing i never do
go to a group of people who are all going to engage in some activity, together
i don't ever do that, really, in real life
but
in theory it has it's appeal

whatever

i got in there
and debbie heather was there
and, i mean, i don't know why i didn't just turn around and leave
but
i thought:
i came here to do this
she's just another person
if i can do this with strangers then i can do it with her

but she somehow got herself in the group of people who were organizing teams
and when the teams had been drawn up
i was very clearly not on any of them
so i ask her:
what's up
i'm not playing

and she said: no

so i kind of stormed out:
if i can't play
i'm sure as hell not gonna sit here and watch you play


i don't know
i guess, from a certain perspective
i should have stayed to watch her play
if i considered her to be someone i was competing against, for example
but i don't
i don't want anything to do with her
i'm not trying to do anything to her
i dislike her
but that's completely on her own merits
and i call her debbie heather because that accurately represents
who she is in my world and baggage

i feel like it's wrong for this kind of dream to happen
she should not invade my psyche
maybe it's because i'm sick

i'm not happy about that

i had a long involved dream that i will try to explain after i have coffee

but
I'm pretty sure you weren't in it
and then debbie heather showed up
in the end
which ruined it
I was minding my own business
doing my own thing
and she just came and co opted my dream
keep her out of my dreams

good lord, did you see i've got over sixty posts for march

now, granted, some of them are just a few words
but i have at least a half a dozen long-ish ones that i've never posted
because they seem negative, or whatever
plus some that were posted
and are reverted to draft
so
wow
i'm all like a chatty cathy, huh
and
i was feeling like i hadn't written much
because i have an idea what i think you want
and
i haven't been able to write that
but, whatever

i've got stuff i want to say
that i can't say

but
sixty is kind of a lot
i must have something to say to you
if you made sense
would i find you this compelling

well, i'm at work, but dear god am i sorry about that

I've been here like 2.5 hours
and I may die
not literally

I love you
I hope you're ok
and that I didn't freak you out

something about a beautiful black walnut chest of drawers

i don't imagine i've been a ton of fun the last bit here

i woke up
i ate something
which was, honestly i'm thinking a poor choice
i had this packet of scone mix, i've loved pumpkin scones ever since starbucks days
but, when i made them the first time, i remembered why i don't buy mixes
they were completely the wrong texture
and i don't know if you've had the experience:

buying grocery store bagels that turn out to be donut shapes bread
well, it was that disappointing

so i've had this packet around since fall
so i just made it
adding oat bran and hemp hearts and maple syrup and baking powder
and made a kind of pull apart light texture coffee cake
which i melted butter on and drizzled with maple syrup

so
i guess i must be feeling a little better
it was ok
not great
but an excellent vehicle for butter

which is, i guess, what i wanted

so, i did it, i called in sick

and I am going back to bed
so
if you read this
and I haven't written again to say I'm up
then I'm probably asleep
if you visit in dreamland
gentle
everything hurts

i might not go to work today, i'm struggling with it

one the one hand
I feel like I have to go
because I can
but
they will not let me leave early
and I'm not at all certain I can stand all day
I just basically slept two days
and I feel
super weak
and like I've been beaten
and I might have fever
probably not
but definitely hot, sweaty, clammy
I think I shouldn't go
but
I don't think I've taken off two days in a row for illness since 1997
and I've been sicker than this
but
I want to get well, ya know
and I think I've been getting this for
maybe weeks
I won't get well if I push
it's hard

why is the idea of calling work
and saying:
I'm sick
I'm not coming today
why is that so difficult

alright, i fell asleep on the sofa so now i don't have time for a potato and i'd probably set the house on fire anyway

i love you
i am going to bed
i ate a nutrigrain bar
and some cheese, which might not have been a good idea

it's applewood smoked cheddar from england
so it was a good idea taste wise
but, whatever

i thought i'd stay home
and i could write to you
but
i seriously don't know what i've done all day
except doze
i should have just stayed in bed

i wish i could cuddle up with you

best wishes for your evening
and
all my love

i just did something crazy

i had toast earlier
toast is like my favorite food
but
i thought maybe a little food value
but
i just didn't feel like i could stand
long enough to make anything
i'm like:
i have tuna i could sear tuna
that's pretty fast
that's got food value--  protein

too much

eggs, they're fast
yuck

i want chicken soup
well, shit, you needed to start that hours ago

but then
i'm like:
wait!
the hurricane supplies box!
tetra pack vegetable broth!

because i never eat prepared soup unless it's some kind of emergency

so i heated that up
and it was disgusting even if it is organic and whatever
so i mixed in a spoon of white miso
a little of the chinese vegetable broth i use as a rice seasoning
some lemon juice
and, i don't know, like six spoons of nutritional yeast

i had to keep stirring it so the yeast didn't clump
but
it was kinda chicken soup-y, kinda

i might bake a potato
that'll only take an hour, hour and a half tops
i might could eat a potato

i seriously do not feel well

there's some sort of bug going around and i guess i got it

i mean i wouldn't have stayed home for female trouble
but, if we're adding dizziness, headache, nausea, etc
then fuck it
i'll stay home

i've been watching this which is pretty long
i'm not advocating your watching it
but
i wanted to see something with wolves

i couldn't remember any of my dreams
or i would have told you about them

i love you
i hope i haven't confused you so much that you can't recover
i don't mean to be confusing
i think it just comes naturally

not asleep yet, but lightning and wolves or maybe sled dogs and snow

grand bois

grand bois

grand bois

i'm going to bed to hopefully dream of you

i think i started a bunch of stuff
normally i would not publish all that
just whatever it was i was trying to say
but
today
i'm not editing
and i'm not worrying
i'm just starting it, with the idea of finishing
when the finishing makes sense to me

so
today
you are either a happy man
because i talked a lot
told you a bunch of the inside of my head
or
you are maybe not so happy
because i talked a lot
without saying a bunch of anything

also
if you wanted sexy talk
you are maybe even less happy
because i didn't give you any of that
although
with the bird cage
you might have thought you'd get that

i'm open to it
i just wasn't feeling it earlier

when you get ready for bed yourself tonight
i will likely be asleep
but if you want to join me in dreamland
i'm excited to tell you my dreams

i guess i don't know what i'm writing, let's talk about the bear

what is going on

if i look at the bear as a symbol
i immediately thought of irving
but
that's strange
i have this whole native thing with bears

but
i still wonder
what it's like for you
and
how
it all translates

the bear seemed definitely to be a bear
not a person in a bear suit

continuing....

but that's not the mood i'm in

there's such a distinct difference
in what i felt
in the texture
in the timbre
it's like it wasn't even me
although, painfully clearly, it was me

and
i feel like
a completely different person
and, too
i feel like who i am now
relates in a way i don't understand
to things that seem
in retrospect
not to make much sense

why
if i felt these things
did i do the things i did
and
you seem different now
how much of that is you
how much of that is me

how much of that have you gone through

like
did you go through this whole same process
and then
all the other crazy life stuff you've gone through
how jumbled up with that am i

i'm sorry
i just had this whole panoramic thing
and it's blowing my mind a little


continuing....

the stone of mount moriah

when i pulled into deadwood i was sunburnt, dehydrated, and perhaps a little loopy-- for want of a better word.  i drove around, a little, through town, but it was really like the hotel pulled me there.

to flip a coin in tombstone

i've been watching videos of the bird cage in tombstone.

there was tombstone and deadwood and dodge.  it was one journey, somehow, and one where a person operating from a place of reason--  wait, why even go there.  it's a vision quest.  it's a finding myself and losing myself and realizing that life is the continual process of the two--  wait,  that's too big.

there's something about the west...
in progress

i went back to sleep before

and I dreamed
a documentary, I think
it was talking about people who
didn't like to date
had trouble finding the one for them
and it was using a pool as a metaphor
a visual aid
each person was a color
at either end of the pool
and then for these people who were successful
the color blended
these people had, some of them
a bunch of children
which I guess made them more successful
I got to hold a baby
from one of the couples who just had one
and she was a strange child
she had modified regular crying
in a way that let you know if you were
closer or farther away
from doing what she needed
so she conditioned the caregiver
like pavlov's dog, a little

then there was this guy
he had been famous, I think
anyway, I recognized him
and he was laying on the floor
wouldn't sit in the chair
Jon Stewart was interviewing him
asking him shit like:
why can't you get it together man
and he would say strange things
that didn't make any sense
like: yes Jon, but you know how to speak Latin every day

then somehow they tricked him
and he ended up in a big arena like circle
outside
with other guys and torches
and I have no idea
if they were about to perform
or
beat him

strange dreams
no idea

i think i fell back asleep instantly, but i dreamed

I had a pet bear
and I was riding it's back
I had to stop to get it some water
I went into this little place
it seemed like going backward in time
it had these metal queue line thingies
set right into the floor
but
it didn't really seem to line up
so I wasn't sure which way the line went
I said as much
and a guy asked me
was that directed at me
it was really rhetorical
and he began to tell me the history of the place
I got my water
and went back to my bear
we were both very thirsty

then
I worked at someplace really huge
and the wine was in these big panels on the wall
that rolled open
it reminded me of a sports venue
they had metal roll doors to lock up
and these were refrigerated
everything was picked clean
not completely empty
just
obviously heavily shopped
I had to restock everything
but
everything
was rose

i fell asleep on the couch again

and i had this dream about deborah stabbing me in the leg

i'm going to bed now

i love you

i'm working

but I so wish
that I had played the chick card
which I don't do
on principle
and just stayed in bed
if I was curled up in a sunny window
I'd be so happy right now
this is just an extra crampy one

i'm going to bed now

i love you baby

I actually think the labor in the dream
might have been
actual cramping
happy happy blood time
seems to be beginning
but
dry
very dry
it's kinda weird
but
painful
and
I don't know why you weren't there
maybe
it has to do with unresolved fears

but
if you want to know
if you could like astrally knock someone up
that scene last night in the kitchen
totally woulda done it

I had just woken up
when I wrote that this morning
I guess
I should mention
you had been around
in a strong way
before I went to sleep
and
you might have been in every other dream
but
you just weren't in that last one

i dreamed i was in labor

I was working
and I just kept working
but, when it seemed to me like it was time to go
my co workers just kept coming by
telling me this or that had to be done
not by me
not right now
now
it's time to go to the hospital
I don't want the hospital either
but
you weren't in this dream
and I was afraid to do it
completely
alone

not sure why
I dreamed
that

i don't seem to be having a very coherent writing day

i love you
i hope i didn't say anything that sounds negative
i am not feeling negative
just
scattered
and
unfocused
i've started 3 different things


when i get it together in my head
it's gonna be good

proof of life

how much of what i am on the inside comes from film and television ghosts flickering inside my head before i was old enough to put them in context?  the truth is:  probably more than i'd like to admit.  i tend to respond negatively to that realization.  i shouldn't, though.

in fact, though the ghosts were passing through the airwaves for anyone, what i saw and remember is pretty different from others largely because we got at them before we could put them in context.  no context = raw data
in progress....

fell asleep on the couch again

had this idea
kinda Sci fi
clinging together
weightless
the stars
spinning
all around us
which comes, I think
from the clarity
of your stars
sliding in front of my eyes last night
when you met me last
the starry sky
is
ours

i'm going to bed now

i have spent a bunch of time today
trying to watch little clips of that show
i can't believe i've been doing that

i wasn't upset about the dream
i just didn't know what to think about it


where i think we left off
was laying down looking up at the stars

meet you there

hope your day is going good

the suit types did not come yesterday
I got to sleep at 9pm
got up at 6am
and I'm still tired

but I had dreams
that were going well
but
ended disturbingly
with my father giving me a sperm sample
what the hell does that mean

i don't want to go to work

I want to sleep
like the c.e.o. is coming today
or some shit
so I want to go less than I would anyway
I feel just needing a break, tired
and that doesn't seem to go away
I'm a little worried
about the continual fatigue
and my hips are hurting
I may be low on iron again
I'm prone to that
wish me luck
and I'm gonna try really hard
to go to bed early tonight
maybe you can join me

have a good day sweetheart

i had a really good day today

except for the cat
and he's okay now

my other idea
other than mangaland
derived from the capsule hotel
was an enclosed area in a tibetan monestary
and i thought that one would be so quick and easy
but then it took a more philosophical turn
when i started thinking dialog
which
after i wrote the mangaland piece i thought maybe i could
maybe it's ok

so
what was essentially part of my inner lanscape
i have to put them in it
and
i couldn't do that today, i guess
maybe i didn't try hard enough
but
i think
i thought about it

i also have this idea brewing that includes that trip i took
nine thousand years ago
to patagonia

and i've got something that wants to come out from deadwood
but i don't think that's a jack and lucky story
i think that ties
to the story in san francisco
with the fortune teller
because of rocks
rocks seem to be the salient feature for both those stories
strange
that fortune teller doesn't tie in with the other fortune teller stories
which also don't seem like jack and lucky stories, any more
weird

ok, well, i was gonna write this hours ago

but
now i feel pretty good
hopefully you are feeling good too

i want to tell you how certain things you did
meant a lot to me
whether you really understood
what they would mean to me or not

sometimes
sometimes it's hard to know
what's random
and what's planned
what's just meant to be a funny thing
and
what's meant to have deep meaning

i want everything to have deep meaning
well, that's probably not really true
probably that wouldn't be compatible with my desire for play and fun
but
sometimes i have to really fight off my desire
to believe in the full spectrum of meaning available
when often it is the most glancing

sometimes
sometimes contrariwise
i hope you don't mean everything you could mean
because that would include something i wouldn't want you to mean

good lord, but that's loquacious

excuse me
i need to order pizza
be right back

well, i'm not sure that was right back
because the pizza is here
my cat is having a problem


anyway
it isn't necessary that i make sense here
what i'm trying to say
is there are things i wanted to tell you
i'm deeply moved
about

some of them
you might not have expected to move me
but
i don't feel like i can be all specific
because of debbie heather

i love you
you know that
and
i worry sometimes too
you know that
but
i'm your girl
whichever way things shake out

you understand
you are woven, inextricably, into my
my everything

everything is connected
so even the things you might not know would touch my heart
you get credit for amazing sweetness

you are the magician, remember

and
i think
you think
i'm pretty great too
which
i really love

i fell asleep

after
gentle
amazing
undulating

i love you

in fairness

that song is in the wrong key for me
I think

I love you

capsule

i'm imagining a capsule hotel.  i'm not sure why.  something to do with the niche bed.  i've got a couple things rattling around in my head.  what do you think of these.


they were both slightly buzzing, jack and lucky, as they stepped out into manga land.  neon and flashing light, night sounds and the press of a crowd all blended seamlessly into the buzz, amp-ing it up.  look, lucky squealed pointing down an alley at a flashing neon squid.  jack nodded, grabbed her hand and darted out into the human stream.

they did actually walk, dodging in between the people, but in her head it was hyper stream.  lucky was almost surprised as they ducked into the little bar.  it was narrow but it was deeper than you could have imagined, and somewhere in the back was karaoke.

i've never done that, she said to jack.

really?

just like now, i've been places where it was going on around me, but i've never knowingly gone to a karaoke bar.

alright, well, you're doing it.

you'll have to ply me with alcohol first.

are you saying you're afraid.

no.  i'm saying.  alcohol first.

ma'dame. jack bowed slightly from the waist and rolled his hands in the general direction of the bar.  please please please tell me you have hitachino xh lucky chanted audibly.  he smiled, she was like a child, an alien child.  and even though he didn't really care that much about karaoke, and he'd heard her sing, he really wanted to see this.

karaoke is...different, she said.  it's not like singing with someone who is playing live with you where you kind of have an energy with them that leads you.  karaoke is more like singing along with the radio.  i tend to be off.

what do you mean, off?

well, when i sing with someone i know what comes next.  sometimes, when i'm singing with the radio i hold the notes longer or syncopate slightly;  people who hear me always consider this wrong.

you finish that beer.  i'm going to get a list of songs.

we have to do a goofy duet.  i think that's a rule.


jack came back waving a little piece of paper.  we are not, he said, spoiled for choice.

oh, i see.  i want to do in spite of ourselves is that available?

no, smiled jack, but you have now chosen the song we will do.

how have i done that?

you picked country as a category and english as the language so the winner is:
when you say nothing at all

jack and lucky walked together to the back of the bar in a slightly synchronized shuffle, walking without looking where they were going, memorizing lyrics.

on the stage was a reasonable facsimile of a jpop star performing drunk in love.

after we finish the duet, maybe you can do that number.

that request will only be performed back at the capsule.  you still want to do this number?

yes, jack said, looking lucky right in the eyes.  yes, i do.

i have so many questions

that i can't ask you
about
real time
and
other kinds of time
and
stuff
and
dh schedule
by which i don't maybe mean the first thing you'd think
maybe you won't have any idea what i mean

snapper

something about fish
well
or
the sea
anyway

rename

something about world building

hey, i talked to my neighbor mom

and i was right
they are from the former yugoslavia
her husband is serbian
and she is croatian
they lived in germany
before
coming here
she is super nice
which i knew already, sort of
but
she really is
she was smoking kinda huddled in the carport
she said she thought djokovic might loose
and she couldn't watch

very strange dreams

we were
not teenagers
but young twenties
and you were on a reality show
and I was worried
because you seemed to be constantly
with this girl, butterfly
I was afraid
that you were falling for her
but then
I thought I understood
what was going on
and then I wasn't worried
but
everything I said to you
sounded really bad
no matter what I meant to say
and then
I was afraid you'd leave me
for being a super bitch
there was more
but I can't remember it

do you want more

i wonder, sometimes
if
you specifically like it to be sexual
or
if it's the inside of my head
that is the appeal

niche

i have had fantasy imaginings of this bed
at least since i saw jefferson in paris
i've been looking for a picture
and i must have altered it in my head
the only jeffersonian alcove bed i can find
is all square
nice
but
not my fantasy

my fantasy bed is a curved arch
tall enough to sit up
but not any taller

part of the point
is to be
closed in
like the ceiling is the roof of a little den
or cave
or nest
what-have-you
then the sides are open
into two different rooms maybe

actually
in the fantasy
the bed is maybe built in to the arch

i could see us
tucked into our little niche
cozy

you were thinking about me earlier

I'll try to be a little more exciting tonight

i dreamed

about
this apartment
I was al ready living in the complex
when it became available
and I was checking it out
it had an outdoor kitchen
which, when I thought better of it
was maybe not such a good idea
maybe everyone would eat your food
and use your stuff
though
it was like the ultimate party space
the apartment was upstairs
it was set up like a studio
with the bed in the middle of the room
across from the big screen tv
but it was billed as a one bedroom
the bedroom
could just fit a king sized bed
or it could be a big walk in closet
I think this is super cosy
I said to whoever I was talking to
but then where do I store my clothes
maybe this apartment wasn't right for me
but
it was definitely cool

i love you

this is probably just a bunch of random stuff

ok
so, first off, i want this
i have no particular reason to think
that it's a great knife
or that it is something that they've done more that twice
but look at it
it's so beautiful

the small spanish knife also cuts bagels very well
it's too big to be a good paring knife for me though

for paring i use a small forever sharp
which was on a shamefully but wait, now how much would you pay
kind of promotion at sam's warehouse
like a thousand years ago
it is tiny
and it works for me
[they work for me, i actually have two]
i pretty much never use those peeler things
i just use the paring knife
and maybe it's not a good one
but i feel like i have control over it
i'm never worried that i'm going to cut myself

the new knife is a little fancy
but the rubberized handle is a good thing

oh
and i should show you the deba i've been using

future decor

i dreamed two things that i can remember

the first part
we were old
like grandparents of many
and you were rearranging things
the pancake assembly machine
can go here
and another machine
something really cool
something quantum, maybe
something i think i had invented
but, i can't remember what it did
that can go over there
then
i think you were telling the grandkids
what it was like before we had those things
and
all about how i invented the one


the next one
i was working on a schematic
[do you know what that is]
i was setting merchandise according to a planned arrangement
all these people
who i knew in the dream
and seemed to be really impressed
that they had taken their time to come give feedback
until
this one who was kinda hot
started telling me
he had grave reservations with the way
i had designed this section here
and i'm like:
wait, i didn't design any of this
i'm just following a schematic
and then, suddenly
i wasn't in a store anymore
i was in a competition
or a reality show
or a graduate program
and the section he hadn't liked was my entry
but
i guess either the judges thought i did ok
or they took pity on me for not knowing the rules
because
it was only the other two
who went to grad jail
this virtual cage in the middle of the room

the guy candidate got a critique
and they thought his chaise
and empty champagne bottle
mostly empty caviar pots
told a story
so he was virtually manipulated visually
to look like he was busting out of jail
i was a little confused

and
i almost forgot
right before i woke up
i dreamed my mom was driving me somewhere
there was a big crack in the windshield
but she was ignoring that
and kept looking at something on the side window
please please please look at the road
we'll get all this figured out
but we have to live through this drive first
she just got mad and drove faster

this reminds me
one time my dad picked me up for a visit
after i went to live with my mom
i was about 12 or 13
and
he was drunk
he was driving in such a frightening manner
that i just closed my eyes
because i didn't want to see the crash coming
i was sure there would be one
and i wondered if i would be badly injured
but then
we got stopped by a cop
he looked at my dad's driver's license
saw it was his birthday
looked at me
and said:
ma'am, i'm gonna need you to drive him home
i can't do that, i said
and why NOT
i'm only 12, i don't know how to drive
OH, he says
well sir, he turns back to my dad
i need your word that you are going straight home
ABSOLUTELY, my father lies through his teeth
and the cop lets us go
he let us go
i thought i was safe for a minute
but
i do think we went somewhere where they served coffee

yeah
good times
sorry
not trying to freak you out

i fell asleep on the sofa

my neck is all cricked up
owww-y

i got my knife
i chopped up a bunch of cabbage
a head of cabbage
it works great for what i needhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
that's where i fell asleep typing, no lie
i'm pretty tired

i love you, a bunch
and
i'm really enjoying the cereal
and
please take good care of yourself

i'm going to sleep in the bed
i'm imagining you there
sleep tight

so i ordered that knife

i ordered the chinese chef knife
i'm not sure that was the best choice
but that's what i decided to do
it might have been better to buy a cheap cleaver
try it out
before
spending the money on a good one
but
i figure
i know what i need
and this seems like it

i like the weight of the deba
i actively dislike the lightness of the santoku
which i thought was a vegetable chopper when i bought it
but that's a nakiri
a santoku is a japanese chef knife
but i don't think the nakiri is any heavier

the deba is really meant for butchering fish
but
like i said
i like the heft of it
and it's fine for general chopping
but it's a thick blade
more like a wedge

the santoku
in it's lightness, feels dangerous to me
like i have less control of it
and i have no reason to believe a nakiri would be any different there

this cleaver is about a half a pound
and it's a thin blade
so, i'm thinking it'll do the job
plus be comfortable for me
they say oh it's great to use it to transfer chopped things
which i didn't realize was unusual because i've been doing that with the deba
so it seems ideal

i have a sharp little spanish knife ordered from this woman
she's got great stuff
i couldn't help myself
and this little knife is carbon [which is an experience in itself]
and very unfancy
and i use it mostly to cut mushrooms
it's perfect for that

in all likelihood this won't make sense

i want something to mean, something
when it could just as easily mean it's opposite
and i know that
so
my mind runs around in circles
and even though i'm not like stressing about it
the whole weird mood of the slight sickness
or over-fatigue, whichever
is making me
not
how i want to be
just when i feel like i am really in a groove
something kinda bumps me out of it

i think i just spent 3 hours researching knives

i need to be sleeping
and i don't have a desperate need for a new knife
just a long term want
and my mom just bought me a birthday present
so
i'm feelin like i'm livin large
i want the knife

but really what i want
is not to write you about the amber haired woman poems
that chad condon wrote perhaps to me, in high school
because it's baggage, ya know
and i can use his name because he's changed it
though
i looked him up
and he's super old now
isn't that funny
he looks bad though

i think i'm pretty lucky
i mean
i don't look like i did when i was young
but
i don't think i look too bad
probably i look worse in random, unposed shots
but
heck i was just lookin at him on facebook
and he looks like uncle fester


i asked this girl at work
because i'm always trying not to be the oldest
her hair is gray
and you can see her scalp through a lot of her hair
so i thought she would, for sure, be older than me
but
she said she's near my age, but younger

i shouldn't think about that stuff so much
but
it freaks me out

i feel like i'm fixating on unimportant things
and that is a bad sign
of avoidance, possibly

and
i just want, really, to give you what you want, right now
and i feel like i'm not doing a good job of that

but
that's not because i don't love you
it's because i'm super lame

and now i'm gonna buy a knife
either this one
or this one

i have a deba that i use for everything, even though i have other knives
because i just like the feel of it
but it's cheap and oldish
and could stand upgrading
but
it isn't really good for onion and cabbage and butternut squash [etc]
and i hate and pretty much won't use
the knife i have for hard vegetables
so
i could really use the cleaver [chinese chef knife] too

maybe i should buy them both
but that seems
like livin a little too large

i am really
feeling weird
i hope you are healthy
i love you

further adventures of yrain

after the twister, which had knocked her out, she woke up on the ground.  more specifically beside a lake.  the lake was beautiful, but it didn't seem to be in the farmlands anymore.

i guess we must have really covered some ground

where was she, she wondered.

yrain looked at her reflection in the water.  her hair had become a crown of leaves and feathers, seedpods and glittering debris.  she liked the effect.  from some angles she looked like an earth mother goddess, but then from other angles she seemed like titania the fairy queen.

what did he see when he looked at her, she wondered.

she wondered a lot.

dreams

i dreamed
about
stacks of wine
and
some
brilliant idea that i had to give kids a tree to decorate

there was something about driving fast as well, i think

before i went to bed
i kept getting this desire
to write to you about meeting at the campfire
but then there was a bunch of cowboy stuff too
and probably i should write a story about it
but it isn't that well formed
and besides
i need to get it down

i was dressed in those big woolly chaps
and
somehow it was almost like a scene out of blazing saddles
the idea
that i was a girl
but i was dressed like a boy
which isn't unusual or funny in any way
except those big woolly chaps
somehow

maybe you know what i'm wondering

the cave is misty
behind the waterfall
the walls are painted wildly
in bright bright swirls of chalk
the chalk fills abalone along the floor
and there are little candles stuck into the rocks of the walls
we paint each other
the chalk is cool and smooth
dry, almost
and with wildness in our spirits
we begin the dance
a rite of springing

amazing dreams

about
ghostly messages
and
seafood potato bisque
well, really it was a soup-a-thon
but that was the tastiest

there was something just before i woke up
but now i can't remember

it has been a weird day

i was feeling all day
like maybe i was getting sick
i don't know
maybe it's just fatigue
but
maybe not

there's something about
the cave grotto
behind the waterfall

think about that
i'm washing my face and going to bed
hopefully
to wake up
back to myself
not sick

i love you

i don't know why i'm writing this. i had planned to continue with yrain. but this is what's coming out.

i've never lived in a small town
i don't think i'd like it

i remember when i was a kid
my mom
when she was laying groundwork to sue for custody
bought a house in like a family neighborhood
and i remember when we were taking stuff in
the people from the neighborhood
kept trying to look at us
and our stuff

and
whatever
like

to get a sense of who we were and like
they had some right to know anything about us

and
i had lived i a neighborhood like that when i was little
with my grandmother
we knew the people in the neighborhood

but
i hadn't lived like that in years
and the giant apartment complexes don't operate that way

i didn't like it

and even now
i only know my immediate next door neighbors
not their names
i just have talked to the mom, briefly
because we park next to each other and share a stoop
she has a very friendly small dog
who, sadly, has now reached the instinctual age of protecting
and barks through the window at me
when he's not with his mommy

i think they might be bosnian or serbian
but i'm not really sure
i can't really place the accent

you've lived in small towns and big towns and i'm wondering how you did it
i guess there is the consolation of the landscape
that's what always draws me to small towns
but
i really don't know how i'd handle it

when i was in high school
i had a friend sandra hernandez who was from new york
and she was always complaining about how little there was to do
and i'm like:
there's more to do here than you have time to actually do
so i don't see the problem

my old district manager moved here from new orleans
and he said the hardest part
the hardest part
was that the bars closed at 2am

but
i could see myself in their shoes
because when i go other places
those are exactly the kinds of complaints i have

not bars
but all night coffee shops
grocery stores
pharmacies
convenience stores
stuff like that

and, maybe, if i ever lived anywhere bigger
i'd be happier with the increase of such amenities

but the people are a problem there too

i love the anonymity
i love the stuff
i hate the traffic and the parking
and i feel oppressed by the--  i'm not sure what to call it
psychic noise

i guess
i always thought i'd find a happy medium somewhere
pollyanna
or else
just live out on the wilderness
off the grid
i don't know if i could really do that
it's just always something i wanted to do
what does that mean about me that i have always wanted that

well, that, along with a whole bunch of incompatible stuff
actress, singer, dancer, artist
and then whatever the hell it is i've actually been doing

it's only compatible
with
writing
in the list of things
that maybe i'm supposed to be doing with my life

i guess i feel out of sorts from shift change
i thought i'd be normal today
but
i guess it's more likely to be tomorrow


in the mean time
i love you


i'm falling asleep
i'm going to bed

i dreamed you did this concept art book

you wrote hundreds of these little four line
they almost felt like limericks
for people
though some were not so much for
like Mrs Soandso from calamazoo
but
inspired by
the line at the 4pm showing of men in black XII in red deer

then
also
there were the photographs
of boiled river rocks
and
a few
of you boiling them
all, of course, in what appeared to be
black and white
but was really
a filter
so everything was seal point
all very cool

I love you

i was going to write something

but
i was super busy
and like in the zone working today
that
i got nothin
and
i gotta sleep fast
and i'll have to at least take a nap tomorrow
so
i'm not sure how happy i'm making you
but
i'm not missing that one thing

i love you

gave me back cramps

wanted to be sure
bigger wasn't on the way
but then
fell instantly asleep
woke up now to pee
was dreaming about salesmen
homeless man shouting
trying to shoot up
very strange
i didn't mean to be cryptic or alarming
i love you
i guess i know why the magician is your card

last too big

reap the worldwind .... continued

yrain was a little startled when the straw man walked in and leaned against the table.  she'd heard someone coming.  that wasn't it.  it wasn't even so much that he was made of straw.  it was anatomical, her disquiet.  he leaned against the table with what could possibly have been a leer, or not, it was hard without facial features.  the leer seemed implied by the thrust of his hips and the enormity of his twisted junk.

no offense, nice of you to offer, but you look painful.  i don't like to be hurt.

straw man shrugged, turned, and walked out the way he had come.

why did i even leave the cabin?

but then--  he was here.  the golden wheat lay flat this way and that.  an enormous whooshing sound and then stillness.  you had to know he was there he couldn't be seen but she recognized the feel of him.  the electric spasmodic rapture he uncoiled in her.  he pushed her gently onto the table and warmed her clam with something, mouth, hand, she couldn't tell, didn't care.  he brushed his hand along her spine unhinging the kundalini snakes until they writhed and spun through the cosmos of her body.  she felt him plunge into her not just at the coital juncture but through her entire body--  perhaps he would wear her as a glove an overcoat.

her mind began to form the design.  eyes open.  eyes shut.  didn't matter.  something like a flower constructed of beetle shells clicking ever inward, aperture of bliss.

but then they were spinning.  he was holding her tightly, so tightly she was very nearly insensible, and then whoosh.  she spun up into the the twister he had become.





borges on youtube
part 1
part 2

gotta say

i don't know how you do that
but
you are a-maze-zing

i love you
and don't worry about
the weird schedule

i'll be back later

reap the worldwind

yrain sat at the kitchen table looking out at the snow.  it was light and soft and ethereal.

as if finally deciding something after long deliberation she stood up and walked to the door.  she pushed the door;  she pulled the door;  it opened in.  outside a a brightly golden wheat field--  snow still visible in the windows.

she stepped outside.  the air was warm and she had to squint her eyes to see anything.  what she saw was a path through the wheat.  she wasn't sure where this was taking her, but she followed the path which wounds in out and around, like an old school labyrinth.

om mani padme hum
yrain whispered under her breath, through her breath, through the field, round and round until she rounded a corner and there it was.  there was a table with a chess board.

i never learned to play chess
a bunch of black birds swooped down and carried them away.


tune in tomorrow to find out weather

i have to get ready for bed






in progress

not feeling super awake

what does he want to hear about

clarify

i want to spend a month holed up in a cabin with you

is that true

maybe

but even if that happens someday
it can't happen right now

i tell ya
i wouldn't mind a month in a cabin
alone

i don't feel like i ever recovered from xmas
although my back has been fine for a long time
i forgot to mention

it took longer than i thought to get back to full strength

i have no interest in going to this meeting
i may go to brunch after
i think i need to be asleep by like five
have to get up at one thirty

not enthusiastic about any of that either
i just want you
if i could just spend the day in bed with you
even if we just slept
that would be awesome

i've been having an obsessive craving for donuts
which there is a high probability of there being at the meeting
so there's that

ok, i'm up

almost an hour after I meant to be
and the word zombie definitely comes to mind

i am working weird hours again

i was supposed to start my time shift this morning, but i couldn't wake up
i have a store meeting in the morning
so, hopefully
i'll get up really really early
and be able to spend some times writing in the morning
and, hopefully
all the different ideas i have pulling me
will have congealed into something good
or
maybe i'll use the synchronicity model i've been using

was it borges who said the tarot is a tool for writing stories
i think it was
have i read any borges
i think that i have
but i can't remember what
maybe it wasn't his stories
maybe it was an article or interview


anyway
maybe you like it
the tarot thing

i feel like my brain is full
uncomfortably full
and
i have to focus and edit


i want to metaphor-ize something
hands in the air
eyes locked
there is something
something that that tells me

and
maybe i invent things
and maybe it's okay if i do
but
i feel like my processing speed isn't fast enough anymore
like i'm spending a lot of time on analysis
and not enough time on production


i feel like i'm babbling 


anyway
different work shifts
so you might not see me when you expect to
and i might be a little wonky until thurs afternoon
but i'm here
and i love you


i hope you visit me in dreamland tonight, if you can
i think you were with me all night last night
but i can't remember my dreams

i'm going to bed in about a half an hour
[super early]
and sleeping about six hours
that might all be before you go to sleep

weird