in all likelihood this won't make sense

i want something to mean, something
when it could just as easily mean it's opposite
and i know that
so
my mind runs around in circles
and even though i'm not like stressing about it
the whole weird mood of the slight sickness
or over-fatigue, whichever
is making me
not
how i want to be
just when i feel like i am really in a groove
something kinda bumps me out of it

i think i just spent 3 hours researching knives

i need to be sleeping
and i don't have a desperate need for a new knife
just a long term want
and my mom just bought me a birthday present
so
i'm feelin like i'm livin large
i want the knife

but really what i want
is not to write you about the amber haired woman poems
that chad condon wrote perhaps to me, in high school
because it's baggage, ya know
and i can use his name because he's changed it
though
i looked him up
and he's super old now
isn't that funny
he looks bad though

i think i'm pretty lucky
i mean
i don't look like i did when i was young
but
i don't think i look too bad
probably i look worse in random, unposed shots
but
heck i was just lookin at him on facebook
and he looks like uncle fester


i asked this girl at work
because i'm always trying not to be the oldest
her hair is gray
and you can see her scalp through a lot of her hair
so i thought she would, for sure, be older than me
but
she said she's near my age, but younger

i shouldn't think about that stuff so much
but
it freaks me out

i feel like i'm fixating on unimportant things
and that is a bad sign
of avoidance, possibly

and
i just want, really, to give you what you want, right now
and i feel like i'm not doing a good job of that

but
that's not because i don't love you
it's because i'm super lame

and now i'm gonna buy a knife
either this one
or this one

i have a deba that i use for everything, even though i have other knives
because i just like the feel of it
but it's cheap and oldish
and could stand upgrading
but
it isn't really good for onion and cabbage and butternut squash [etc]
and i hate and pretty much won't use
the knife i have for hard vegetables
so
i could really use the cleaver [chinese chef knife] too

maybe i should buy them both
but that seems
like livin a little too large

i am really
feeling weird
i hope you are healthy
i love you