i don't know why i'm writing this. i had planned to continue with yrain. but this is what's coming out.

i've never lived in a small town
i don't think i'd like it

i remember when i was a kid
my mom
when she was laying groundwork to sue for custody
bought a house in like a family neighborhood
and i remember when we were taking stuff in
the people from the neighborhood
kept trying to look at us
and our stuff

and
whatever
like

to get a sense of who we were and like
they had some right to know anything about us

and
i had lived i a neighborhood like that when i was little
with my grandmother
we knew the people in the neighborhood

but
i hadn't lived like that in years
and the giant apartment complexes don't operate that way

i didn't like it

and even now
i only know my immediate next door neighbors
not their names
i just have talked to the mom, briefly
because we park next to each other and share a stoop
she has a very friendly small dog
who, sadly, has now reached the instinctual age of protecting
and barks through the window at me
when he's not with his mommy

i think they might be bosnian or serbian
but i'm not really sure
i can't really place the accent

you've lived in small towns and big towns and i'm wondering how you did it
i guess there is the consolation of the landscape
that's what always draws me to small towns
but
i really don't know how i'd handle it

when i was in high school
i had a friend sandra hernandez who was from new york
and she was always complaining about how little there was to do
and i'm like:
there's more to do here than you have time to actually do
so i don't see the problem

my old district manager moved here from new orleans
and he said the hardest part
the hardest part
was that the bars closed at 2am

but
i could see myself in their shoes
because when i go other places
those are exactly the kinds of complaints i have

not bars
but all night coffee shops
grocery stores
pharmacies
convenience stores
stuff like that

and, maybe, if i ever lived anywhere bigger
i'd be happier with the increase of such amenities

but the people are a problem there too

i love the anonymity
i love the stuff
i hate the traffic and the parking
and i feel oppressed by the--  i'm not sure what to call it
psychic noise

i guess
i always thought i'd find a happy medium somewhere
pollyanna
or else
just live out on the wilderness
off the grid
i don't know if i could really do that
it's just always something i wanted to do
what does that mean about me that i have always wanted that

well, that, along with a whole bunch of incompatible stuff
actress, singer, dancer, artist
and then whatever the hell it is i've actually been doing

it's only compatible
with
writing
in the list of things
that maybe i'm supposed to be doing with my life

i guess i feel out of sorts from shift change
i thought i'd be normal today
but
i guess it's more likely to be tomorrow


in the mean time
i love you


i'm falling asleep
i'm going to bed