product placement for FESTIVAL--LAND

I FEEL different 

I feel like a big

CHUNK

of something is

GONE

from my shoulder/upper-mid-back area

I feel 

vulnerable 

in some way I can't explain 

I WISH 

there was some 

WAY 

to

BETTER 

track & quantify 

this whole transformation 

(or whatever)

PROCESS 

I hope you are having a beautiful day sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

OH

I had a dream I remember 

I got in this car

it was an old car 

I can't tell you what kind

maybe 

some kind of eighties towncar or something 

not a specifically COOL car on it's own

BUT 

it was painted

where every panel had a border of a couple inches

& it gave the effect of

a women's suit

or

SOMETHING 

(enhanced the slight boxiness)

I got in

& I drove straight through 

this concave like conceptual meadow 

I'm not describing that very well

it was a grassy area

designed

for

lounging and playing 

a reverse hill

BUT 

not deep

& a bigish area

I'm not sure WHY I drove through it 

I wanted to get to the other side

I wanted to drive the car

BUT 

not very 

FAR

(because I didn't think it was in great working order and it wasn't my car but it WAS allowed to drive it)

when I came out the other side 

OH

I didn't mention 

this was at some kind of 

FESTIVAL 

a BUNCH of people 

YELLED 

things at me

it's NOT ALLOWED to DRIVE on the GRASS 

THAT was COOL 

YOU are SUCH a BADASS

& I was LIKE oh yeah I did know that I wasn't supposed to drive on the grass -- I wasn't thinking about THAT 

I didn't realize anyone was watching 

I wasn't actually TRYING to be a BADASS

BUT ok cool

I'm not sure that 

CAPTURES

the experience 

it was KINDA exhilarating 

the DOING of it

is the CAR going to be ABLE to do THIS 

will I screw the suspension up

is it TOO DEEP 

TOO DAMP

FOOD booths

on the other side

what will the car be like to drive

I don't KNOW 

HOW much 

was wanting to DRIVE the car

(and this was just an obvious location)

& HOW much 

was wanting to SEE what this 

LOCATION 

would be like to DRIVE 

BUT 

it WAS

EXHILARATING 

& THAT 

SEEMED 

like a good enough 

REASON 

(and it seemed like product placement for FESTIVAL--LAND)

it was a weird day

I did eat

some more broth

with noodles 

& a little bit 

of fish

which I wasn't sure about 

BUT 

which doesn't seem to have caused me problems 

I slept like four hours 

& now I'm going back to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

goodnight 

not a good daughter

she was gonna eat something 

& then call me back 

BUT 

my general impression was that she

THOUGHT

she could drive herself 

my headache has

MIGRAINED

so I texted her and said I wasn't sure I was safe to drive anymore 

she didn't respond 

SO

I called her 

& she's been reading 

I guess 

the tests are for intestinal blockages 

because she's constipated 

she's not allowed to drink much 

& she's on diuretics 

constipation is pretty normal 

BUT 

her doctor is

VERY cautious

I'm not sure what that has to do with 

LUNG FLUID 

which I thought was the problem 

I'm LIKE 

I'm not sure I'm safe to drive 

you seemed like you were, but you were going to call me BACK

ARE you ok to drive yourself 

she says yes

none of it makes sense 

I'm SURE something will be my fault LATER 

BUT 

for now 

it's just me and my headache and nausea 

in the dark-ish room

under a weighted blanket 

BOTH

trying to feel good enough to eat solid food

AND

demonstrating why she doesn't want me to be her caregiver 

ratchet skibbity c*nt

I feel sick

I have a headache 

I took two ibuprofen and a Tylenol 

I choked down some broth

& some tea

I took a shower 

I called her

I ask how she FEELS 

she says great

& does not sound sarcastic 

I'm telling her I feel bad

dizzy, headache, nausea

I think I'm getting sick

does she need me to drive her

or does she think she is able to do it

she was asleep 

so I'm like

get up

go to the bathroom 

drink some coffee and I'll call you back

I call her back

she went back to sleep

I'm trying to determine if I need to go 

the IDEA of walking to her house 

SEEMS 

nearly impossible 

she's like 

call me back -- I'm really getting up this time

I call her back

I'm LIKE

do you need me to drive you

I'm LIKE 

do you feel better than yesterday 

she's like 

I don't know 

I'm LIKE 

when I called you said you felt great

yesterday you said you were a minus ten on a scale with ten being death's door

OH

well then I guess I feel better than yesterday 

she's like 

come over and read the stuff the doctor gave me

then we'll decide 

I'm LIKE 

I don't understand 

can you not read it

she's like it's 

FOUR PAGES

I'm LIKE 

I'm telling you I have a headache 

I feel nauseated 

I'm afraid I might have diarrhea 

although I haven't yet

I feel SICK 

if you NEED me to come drive you

because you cannot drive yourself 

I am willing to do THAT 

I am NOT willing to WALK over

which seems like too much

& then read stuff and dither around for you to decide if you NEED help

if you don't need help

I need to go back to bed

she's like 

FINE

let me eat something 

& call me back

interesting

that dream

made me think about my

actual godfather 

who I've never met

al footnick 

my dad worked with him

at the local television station 

I THINK 

as a camera man

filming local boxing matches

turns out

he's like a media production guy 

back to sleep after peeing

I forgot 

I wrote my biology paper

on the effects of 

LSD on the brain 

back in high school 

I've never taken it

BUT 

I saw a snippet of a video 

that was talking about 

sinesthesia

I'm not sure why

MAYBE 

that

prompted the HUXLEY 

dunno

dream

not awake yet

DREAM 

they called me

I went to SEE 

it was a job

it pays a bunch of money to be a receptionist 

at a small office where the phone rarely rings

my great godfather 

ALDOUS HUXLEY 

TOLD them to hire me

there are secret fundraisers

& some guy

who might be related to me

who is also HUXLEY godchild 

that I tried to go to a dinner

with him & his wife

that maybe I knew

but haven't seen for years

thoughts

YESTERDAY 

I had come to some -- I hesitate to say conclusions -- resting place feels more accurate 

you can call this

AUDHD

or you can call it

CRAZY

or you can make up whatever 

TERM

you feel comfortable with 

BUT 

what I AM

is a category of person

that would have been

in a less technical world

some kind of

what should we call it

I WASN'T WRONG 

about that 

& I don't need to fight it

I need to dear prudence it

what is meant for you

will not fail to find you

(the original version says it won't MISS you, but I THINK it DOES miss you -- until you are joined with it)

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I'm going back to sleep 

please take care of yourself 

you are my person 

mother daughter convo

SO

my mom had texted me

around noon

asking me how I was feeling 

I texted her back

AFTER 

I woke up

& then later it occurred to me to ask her how she was doing 

& she was trying to make it from her car to her apartment & she would call me when she got in

SO

she called me

& it was more than thirty minutes later

SO

apparently she had felt bad

& she went to her doctor 

& her blood work

wasn't good 

WAIT 

they never have the blood work right away

OH

apparently they can

if you look bad enough 

SO

it's MUCH worse

than last week 

BUT 

it was too late to do the other test

so they gave her some referral to go get some imaging test out on the Katy freeway

& MAYBE she was supposed to go today 

BUT 

she was TOO TIRED to do anything else 

BUT 

she JUST got home 

did you go eat, I ASK 

YES, she says 

WHAT did you eat, I ASK 

I went and had Mexican food, she says

can you describe HOW you FEEL, I ASK

what do you MEAN, she says

I had hoped for like a description of what was going on, but I just press ahead

on a scale from one to ten

with ten being great

& one being

DEATH'S DOOR 

MINUS TEN, she says

now com'mon

I felt bad, I slept all day

I woke up, I still feel tired

I was like, MAYBE I could choke down some broth

WHAT did you EAT at the mexican restaurant 

I had nacho things with no salt, she says

OK, so not THAT bad, I say

NO, not really minus ten bad, I guess, she says

did you take you oxygen levels when you came in

NOW

LAST TIME 

she felt like she wasn't getting enough attention 

she kept the oxygen check thing-y

on her finger

ALL DAY

(allegedly)

since she won't be honest

or give me any real information 

because it's part of the weird way she wants to

control/manipulate/whatever/there is no way to

KNOW ANYTHING 

just respond to the drama

she doesn't SOUND out of breath

or panicked at all

she's TIRED 

BUT 

she felt good enough to eat NACHOS 

her doctor would have admitted her to the hospital if she was in a bad way

NO HESITATION 

not sent her

driving across town to find an imaging place 

she had never been to before 

it took her 

more than thirty minutes 

to walk from her car

to her apartment 

BUT 

she didn't feel the need to check her oxygen 

the doctor thinks she may be getting an

INFECTION 

(fluid in lungs, NOT in the chest X-ray from last week, so I'm not sure how we know about the fluid -- ten times as much fluid as the X-ray from last week)

OK

I'll walk over tomorrow 

& we'll figure out what to do, I say

I just want you to KNOW 

you are my PRECIOUS daughter 

& I love you, she says 

yeah, I love you too, I say

slept all day

I slept ALL day 

I had a bunch of dreams 

I don't really remember 

BUT 

I think 

I needed

nervous system healing 

I KNOW I was in a KINDA fancy

like vestibule type thing

FANCY doors

I'm not hungry 

& I'm still 

TIRED

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

sorry to be just

out of pocket

all day

I shoulda BEEN SLEEP

I have this SENSE that

I really DID something today 

that I worked through SOMETHING important 

BUT 

I have no IDEA what 

I'm ONLY vaguely AWARE 

of what I did TODAY 

BUT 

I FEEL 

REALLY good about it

I can't EXPLAIN 

BUT 

my mood has been good all day

CALM

GRATEFUL for YOU 

when I figure it out 

I'll tell you 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

goodnight 

mornin'

I've got beatles medley in my head

dear prudence 

here, there, & everywhere 

good morning sweetheart 

I hope you are having a beautiful day 

I LOVE you VERY much 

kinda lame exposition

the other day 

wednesday or thursday 

I can't remember 

I just out of the blue asked my mom

tell me something 

GOOD 

she's like 

I love you

everyone who knows you 

loves you

I'm LIKE 

that's what she wants to hear, maybe 

OR

I remember when I was a KID I'd be trying to 

SAY something 

& deborah would not let me

for long enough 

that sometimes I'd forget what I wanted to SAY

& then she'd ASK ME 

if I couldn't remember 

I'd get yelled at 

BUT 

I wouldn't get yelled at if I said that what I had wanted to say was

I love you

& I thought to myself at the time six, seven

you should NOT do THAT 

you MIGHT forget what love MEANS 

if you use it WRONG 

I don't know if my mother really loves me

I guess she does in whatever way

she can

BUT 

it seems 

WEIRD to ME 

to tell me

everyone loves me

I mean it is patenly not true

& this is gonna sound 

at LEAST 

ODD

BUT 

I was trying to get something 

REAL out of her

that was not negative 

a memory 

an observation 

SOMETHING 

& I was disappointed 

we went to the studio 

BUT 

she didn't want to paint

she just wanted to pay her rent

& talk to vikki 

I needed some art supplies 

& I didn't WANT to listen to her talk about 

how SHE doesn't WANT to 

MAKE me take 

CARE of her

SHE

doesn't want to DISRUPT my life 

which I DID hear

& I KNOW 

there was MORE of THAT 

I don't believe this to be TRUE 

I think she is trying to make me FEEL 

SHAME at not wanting to 

TAKE care of her

OR

get sympathy for having 

SUCH a daughter 

OR

SOMETHING 

& I didn't listen 

BUT 

I DID hear vikki SAY

at LEAST your kid LIVES in TOWN 

& it's KINDA funny to me 

although it makes me 

KINDA MAD

that she thinks I would do things differently 

because it MIGHT risk other's regard

those are nice people 

I don't want to hurt them

BUT 

they don't know me at all

& they've known me

for years

THIS 

is a part of why I'm so bored with myself 

I don't WANT to be an INFJ

it is SO f*CKing

BORING 

& SOMETHING 

to be this EMPRESS/DEATH situation 

where I'm operating at this 

LIKE 

REMOVE 

maybe multiple layers of remove 

it's TEDIOUS 

I'm not sure what I'm saying 

is clear enough to make any sense 

BUT 

I don't know how else to explain it 

I can TELL people about my

thoughts & experiences 

BUT 

it doesn't FEEL like they ever get what I'm talking about 

& I KNOW 

the KEY to whatever is 

FINDING the THING 

you can GIVE to

the WORLD 

BUT 

I'm burnt out

on people 

right NOW 

I WANT to FIND 

ME

I know this is KINDA ramble-y

I know it doesn't explain 

not really 

I still don't have 

WORDS

I don't have 

TENDER FEELINGS 

for my mom

BUT 

I'm not TRYING to abandon her

I'm trying to get 

HELP

& I'm trying to wrap all this bullsh*t up

she's a human 

I'm not trying to disrespect her 

& honestly I'm KINDA 

exhausting myself 

trying to 

NOT 

be TOO nice or helpful or accommodating 

because that is apparently a 

sign of weakness 

that she will

try to exploit

I don't trust my mother 

NOT to f*CK me OVER 

AGAIN 

in fact I absolutely think she will if she can 

AND

I think 

THAT SUCKS

there's 

MORE 

that's all I can put to WORDS right NOW 

Lincoln Nebraska 

I can't find a way to feel like 

SHE knows who I AM 

AT ALL 

&

I KINDA low-key 

WANT to 

RAGE

at her somehow 

NONE of this

STUFF with her

FEELS 

warm & loving

OR

very closure-y

& I'm not sure if I'm explaining it in a way that makes sense to anyone but ME 

insofar as I am even able to explain it 

I gotta sleep 

I hope this makes some sense 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

goodnight 

more thoughts later

there's more coming 

BUT 

I need a break 

I'm less sure how to articulate 

the DEEPER part

I hope you are having a beautiful day sweetheart 

I WISH I could SEE that tonight

it LOOKS 

SO

GOOD 

YOU are MAGIC 

more thoughts

my RESERVOIR of RAGE doesn't 

USUALLY bother me

MUCH

MAYBE 

I channel it into

"yelling at the television"

calling OUT 

things that are unfair

or ENTITLED

which I MOSTLY mean

people & things

that ONLY take themselves into account 

BUT 

when I deal with my mother 

I am dealing with the 

 

SOURCE

MATERIAL 

SO 

my regular skills

which I'm NOT claiming are perfected skills

are NOT sufficient 

AND

I guess I could just say

F*CK YOU 

and walk away

BUT 

THAT 

FEELS like 

FAILING to MASTER the LEVEL

LIKE 

I was doing 

GREAT for a minute there

when I was LIKE 

OH

she's like judas or whatever 

in Jesus Christ Superstar 

she was a necessary 

VILLAIN 

ALL that HORRIBLE sh*t

DRIVES me to BECOME the THING, ya KNOW 

BUT 

then I was LIKE 

OH

I SEE how I LOOK like a narcissist to

the mumu girls

SH*T

& THAT'S an OVERsimplification 

THEN

there was a WHOLE special/NOT special THING 

THIS was NOT 

ALL yesterday, not by any means 

AND

I just keep coming back to

MAN

I'm SLOWING things DOWN 

& I FEEL like 

I'm supposed to SAY

GO ON without me 

BUT 

I ALREADY did 

I SAID 

hey if you're just trying to save me

I'm not gonna kill myself 

you don't have to 

STAY 

THAT feels like the thing I'm 'SPOSED to do 

SAVE everyone ELSE 

PROTECT OTHERS 

from the inconvenience of my needs

PROTECT OTHERS 

from having to see my fat

PROTECT OTHERS 

from my

OTHER -- NESS

beginning to decipher my progress

YESTERDAY 

I had thanksgiving day parade 

playing in my HEAD 

off & on 

ALL DAY

I am experiencing this

REBUILDING of myself in a VERY disjointed way

it's LIKE a healing wound, KINDA 

a little bit 

FILLS in over HERE 

things seem vaguely smoother over there 

OH

there's some puss 

OH

there's a SCAB

WOW

I'm tired

AND

since it's my MIND 

& I have the

GYROscopicTIMEperspectiveTHINGY

& the CONSORTIUM 

NOTHING feels LINEAR

nothing FEELS like 

ANY

of the metrics

OR

criteria 

remain CONSISTENT at ALL 

THIS 

I experience as somewhere on the spectrum of 

DEMORALIZING -----  DESTABILIZING 

in varrying degrees of strength 

AND

the thing that comes & BITES me in the ASS is

the IDEA that I am just

SCAMMING 

SOMEHOW 

I'm not doing anything the WAY I'm 'SPOSED to

I HAVE NO PROOF

that I KNOW what I'm doing 

SO

STOP IT

JUST DO the THING 

where you WHIP yourself into a FRENZY

GET er DONE

AND

I have to SAY

NO

I'm SURE 

THAT doesn't WORK 

LET ME COOK

sorry, I don't seem to have talked much

I feel like I made progress today 

BUT 

I can't explain yet

WHAT 

that MEANS 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I shoulda

BEEN SLEEP 

I'm not sure why I'm sending you this

I just had a strong desire to buy you something else 

I don't know why THIS

BUT 

I didn't even look at the price yet

BIG thinking today, although all over the place

I thought a LOT about

ANGER

BUT 

I have not got it figured out yet 

I did think about the whole

I'm MAD too, Eddie

& how there is

in a LOT of 

the anger

TRIGGERS

I'm speaking generally 

this is also not the

ONLY cause

JUST common

& I think 

not just me

there is a SENSE of 

things being 

DONE to

there's a LACK of FEELING personal AGENCY

& I THINK 

the DESIRE to COUNTER that

with 
what I think of as 
CARNEY JUSTICE 

taking things out on something that we DO have AGENCY over

SO

stereotypically 

your boss yells at you

& MAYBE you kick your dog

if you're MORE enlightened 

maybe you transmute it into physical activity 

SPORT 

of some kind

BUT 

if you've got 

YEARS

of backed up

unprocessed anger

it's ACTUALLY 

a GIANT reservoir of 

RAGE

I have a GIANT reservoir of RAGE 

that I could really use 

RELEASING

BUT 

I don't know 

HOW to DO that 

I used to imagine 

beating the person's head into a rock or something 

& I had forgotten that

it's been so long 

I guess I just didn't feel comfortable with that 

I just locked it all the WAY down 

I definitely think

I would benefit from being able to 

PROCESS that

BUT 

I don't know 

HOW 

I MEAN 

I THINK some kind of intense

PHYSICAL activity is 

WARRANTED

BUT 

I don't think that is the answer

in the MOMENT of 

ANGER

MAYBE 

if I could DRAIN the TANK then there would be

MORE ROOM 

to buffer the ANGER

until I got to the

PHYSICAL 

activity 

BUT ALSO 

I NEED to get the mindset 

that I CONTROL ME

& my OWN AGENCY, although I don't think 

THAT is EXACTLY what I mean 

it's something like that 

& THAT is the THING 

I keep trying to get 

BACK to

there are parts of this I can't fully articulate 

& from the standpoint of 

the "empathy box" religious paradigm

I think you CAN 

USE 

ANGER

to GATHER 

BUT 

THEN you have to 

TRANSMUTE it into something

ELSE

rather that

POINTING it AT another group 

BIRD

the more I look at that

BAGUETTE 

RUN

the MORE 

I LOVE it 

where is my mind

I forgot to tell you my DREAMS 

I can't remember all of it

there was a part

where there were two of me

or two people, anyway 

TRAPPED in my HEAD 

there was a part

where I had

a little 

CAT

&

it would fling itself at the side of a building 

(we were walking outside)

&

when it HIT the WALL 

it puffed up into this BIG PINK pixilated 

SOMETHING 

MAYBE 

pig or hippo or what's that thing

MOOMIN

it wasn't SCARY exactly 

BUT 

it WAS a whole

KINETIC something 

& there WAS, I think, a LOT of 

FIGHT in the dreamscape 

though

NOT the punching 

KIND

it was LIKE 

AGITATION anthropomorphized

or FELINE-promorphized

or whatever

new rules

of course 

he cancelled therapy 

& on the one hand 

WHATEVER 

he's human, he's having problems, I'm worried about him

BUT 

on the 

OTHER 

HAND

WHY

am I always explaining away 

OTHER people's BEHAVIOR 

BUT 

NOT allowing myself to be

ANGRY 

that what I HAD a RIGHT to EXPECT 

(although in my mind that becomes complicated by the fact that I don't believe you have the right to EXPECT MUCH)

I don't know HOW to be

ANGRY 

PROPERLY

NOT 

psychotic RAGE like my mom

NOT 

a FOREVER slow burn like my father

SOMETHING 

ELSE

& MAYBE 

THAT is a KEY to solving the grievance problem 

OR

MAYBE 

it just helps me to 

NOT FEEL LIKE 

I need to run away from things

because I can't DEAL with them without 

BECOMING a MONSTER 

LIKE 

if I JUST 

why does it seem like

FIGHT CLUB 

SUDDENLY 

applies to

everything 

TODAY is ANGER DAY

head tunes for today

OH yeah, I forgot 

no kings

was stuck in my HEAD 

TODAY 

D!NG D!NG D!NG

I had a weird day

I also thought

about baguettes

as weapons

FELONY FOOTLONGS 

& thought about the scene in twin peaks 

where he's explaining about the

SANDWICHES he had in Paris

BAGUETTE + butter + SALT

I'm almost 

AFRAID to believe that 

I'm supposed to have therapy tomorrow 

I MEAN we'll SEE

viva la resistance

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

say cheese

I thought about you at the grocery store yesterday too

I wanted to tell you

I LOVE 

MANCHEGO

I do have a few cheeses

I'm not crazy about

BUT 

not MANY 

I discovered 

6,7 years ago

that I don't like burrata

which surprised me

isn't it JUST hyped up mozzarella, I asked myself 

BUT 

mozzarella is high on my list of soft cheeses

& I decided 

it's just a case of

TOO MUCH 

CREAM

I KNOW it will make me sick

SO, my body just says

UM, no

CUSTARD, yes

creme brulee, never leave the bathroom 

CHOCOLATE, yes

chocolate mousse, never leave the bathroom 

ICE CREAM, is other food dependent 

it's like the snake rhyme

red and yellow 

kill a fellow 

yellow and black 

friend of Jack

learned in first grade

because 

CORAL SNAKES

there is some quantity of CREAM

which BECOMES problematical

especially OVER

SAY, sauteed ONIONS 

there is some Norwegian cheese I don't like

it's a brownish green

looks like dried boogers

tastes of slightly sweet

SOMETHING 

my thought -- boogers

I even like blue cheese in SMALL amounts

like IN things

I'm not eating big chunks

& I haven't tried

LIMBURGER 

six weeks 

on bread and cheese and fruit

YES

if you mix in

PASTRY 

I am a puddle 

on the floor

ALTHOUGH 

PASTA

&

Mediterranean SEAFOOD 

BUT 

RIGHT NOW 

I'd FIGHT CLUB for

a two by two inch cube of mature english cheddar

SMOKED

good morning sweetheart 

I hope you are having 

a beautiful day 

sweet dreams sweetheart

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

silly little memories

I was just thinking

dr Freeland

used to SAY 

BUT 

what if I  

NEED 

belgian endive

more thoughts

from each

according to their

ABILITY 

to each

according to their 

NEED

I was thinking about that today TOO 

I remember 

arguing with my mom 

in nineteen eighty

WAIT 

until you 

ARE 

RICH

to VOTE like 

you WERE ALREADY 

I identified 

UNION family 

my paw paw was IBEW

& my father was

in the sign painters union

OH

I had forgotten THIS 

he used to say

he was pretty sure you were

SUPPOSED to have gone to prison to join

& he wasn't sure how he had managed to get in

I DID 

think about my dad some

in relation to HOW 

I don't think I 

LOOK 

how I look

he was always talking to me about 

PROJECTING

BUT 

so much of what we SEE is body posture

CONFIDENCE --  the SPIRIT that

ANIMATES 

he had a bunch of them

SOME were LIKE training 

~if you see someone without a smile 

give them one of yours

~if you are ever walking in an area

where you don't FEEL 

SAFE

PROJECT --

I am LATE for the THING 

NEARBY 

where I am

EXPECTED

I don't think 

that's what most dad's probably do, huh

notes on today

I've had lincoln nebraska 

stuck in my HEAD 

ALL DAY

I was humming along irl

& then

I calmed down 

a little 

&

I started getting 

TOLEDO 

thinking about it

BUT 

KINDA adding in all the years of stuff 

since I heard it originally 

AND

it kind of IS a holiness

AND

THEN as I've gotten calmer

OR

possibly more accurately 

I've gotten somewhat 

wound up 

about

FELONY FOOTLONGS

&

lawyers throwing signs

the whole surreal circus 

has HAD a DAY 

SO

THEN I THOUGHT 

about the black Sox

BUT 

then TOO I thought about

your agents

& the ways

that makes me think

MAYBE 

I don't really like her

BUT 

THEN

it also makes me think 

f*CK yeah 

AGENTS

sweet dreams sweetheart

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

I'm gonna try to 

DREAM 

something 

exciting

YOU 

are MAGIC 

totally incoherent babble

MAYBE 

when I said I was having an identity crisis 

it MIGHT have seemed like 

a BODY thing

I have body issues I've talked about 

& I'm not saying 

I don't have 

STUFF 

I am feeling 

LESS freaked out about my body TODAY 

because it's a little cooler

& I'm wearing 

kind of a bright navy blue wool outfit

& I feel like I look

good in blue

I THOUGHT I could answer questions 

from a thing I found 

talking about

my relationship with my BODY 

BUT 

IDK

I don't think 

I have had a good relationship with my body

EITHER aesthetically 

or FUNCTIONALLY 

BUT 

it HAS largely 

DELIVERED

what has been asked of it

AND 

there is a WAY 

that what you look like

what I look like

isn't really 

BASED

in reality 

I don't think 

what I look like is really that important 

BUT 

SOMETIMES 

I DO 

I'm not even sure what I'm trying to look like

I think my clothes are mostly about comfort

& being able to have free range of motion 

& temperature regulation 

has become VERY 

important 

BUT 

none of it seems 

COMPLETELY 

tied to the

PHYSICAL 

LOOK

of ME 

there was something amazing about that

THAT was 

BEAUTIFUL 

I feel so much better 

I've been having this sensation of

LIKE 

if you bought one of those old cokes

the kind you put the money in

& then twisted out the

BOTTLE 

if you took that

& SHOOK it

& then walked around with a bottle cap opener

it got SO BAD I took a nap

I feel like 

some kind of communion 

HAPPENED

YOU 

are MAGIC 

& I LOVE you VERY much 

sharing my freak out against my better judgement

OK

I'm getting irritated with my therapist 

he texted me

LAST WEEK he said 

he was 90% and 

NEXT WEEK 

FOR SURE 

YESTERDAY he said 

we are ON for

TOMORROW 

TODAY 

I texted him

are we ON for NOON 

& HE said THUMBS UP

THEN

he texted me 

OH

I FORGOT 

I have an appointment with my NEW

ENT at 11:30

can I text you LATER to reschedule 

I guess 

I FEEL like I NEED 

HELP

& I'm starting to feel like 

I'm being very patient and understanding 

BUT 

he's an unreliable narrator 

I don't really think 

he doesn't care

I think he's SO loopy on MEDS

that he can't manage his sh*t and THAT 

doesn't SEEM to be getting 

ANY better 

MAYBE 

I'm supposed to realize 

I need to find somebody else to 

therapize me

OR

MAYBE I'm supposed to realize 

I don't really NEED therapy 

ANY MORE 

BUT 

I don't FEEL 

WELL 

I FEEL like I can't QUITE 

HANDLE my SITUATION 

& EVERYTHING 

FEELS 

LIKE 

parts of me are overloaded and the part that might sort it out is shut down 

& EVERYTHING 

is TOO MUCH

and I just want her to die already

& THAT FEELS 

ICKY

REALLY 

ICKY

& there are doctor appointments

& things that are up in the air

& I can't handle it 

I can't HANDLE 

DRIVING 

or FLYING 

or scheduling

or spending money

or not living up to expectations 

& the IDEA that

I'm F*CKing

EVERYTHING UP 

& the IDEA that if I don't 

DELIVER 

& ALL THAT

MAKES ME KNOW 

that I'm TOO FREAKED out

to BE a PERSON 

EVEN if 

I could get anywhere, there is just no way to make any of this mess work for me right now

& I WANT to 

HUG you

BUT 

I'm not sure if I could get to you

that I wouldn't be 

SO SPIKY 

that THAT would be impossible 

& I FEEL intermittently CRAZY

& LIMITED resource-y

& if I whip myself up into the FRENZY

I THINK I might 

NEED to

MAKE 

I'm not sure what I even need to DO 

FAKE my own DEATH 

I'm not THINKING rationally

SO

I KNOW 

I NEED to RESOLVE 

MYSELF somehow before I can be

DOING anything ELSE 

BUT 

I FEEL like I'm HURTING 

YOU 

ALL the FEELS

are CHAOTIC and I haven't WANTED to 

TRY to EXPLAIN it 

BECAUSE it SOUNDS 

CRAZY

BUT 

I guess that is because I 

FEEL CRAZY 

AGAIN 

& I WILL get a handle on it 

BUT 

I haven't been able to 

IDENTIFY 

the thing that set me off, YET 

MAYBE 

I think I'm 

LIKE her in some way I haven't been able to 

isolate and cure

OR

MAYBE 

everything just hit from too many angles

& the shut down is too

pervasive to shift

QUICKLY 

because it WON'T STOP SCREAMING long enough to get a handle on it 

I'm not super 

FUNCTIONAL 

THAT is the best I can do 

by WAY of explaining 

WHAT is GOING ON 

I FEEL like 

it doesn't adequately represent 

the interior of my head

or the root cause 

& possibly 

it just sounds like bullsh*t

BUT 

I'm in a STEP

I NEED 

MORE TIME to

COMPLETE 

& pretending I don't 

isn't going to make good things happen 

MAN

I F*CKing WANTED therapy today 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I hope you are having a beautiful day 

I shoulda BEEN SLEEP

goodnight sweetheart 

supposedly therapy tomorrow 

fingers crossed 

I LOVE you VERY much 

oh

I forgot to tell you 

I DREAMED 

I was building a house 

or SOMETHING 

seventies memory

that Chinese restaurant made me

REMEMBER something 

it's pretty faint

there was this restaurant 

the HAPPY BUDDHA 

it MIGHT have been a Chinese restaurant 

BUT 

I THINK it might have been 

SOMEHOW adult XXX

because it was 

the ONLY 

restaurant we NEVER went to

AND

I was obsessed with it

it was KINDA a

FAT Buddha TOO

at LEAST that's 

HOW 

I remember it

it was the westheimer arts festival 

LIKE early SEVENTIES 

I think my mom

& shirley farley 

had the 

atelier 

which was 

ON 

westheimer 

so the whole thing felt like an extension of the shop

& I was pretty familiar with the AREA 

& there was this woman who made

these beautiful 

CAFTANS 

& my mom BOUGHT me one

it was kinda LIKE tye dye

in that it had a BUNCH of swirls and COLORS

BUT 

it wasn't 

TYE DYE it was PRINTED 

to LOOK like swirling COLORS 

& it was KINDA

LIKE 

a green and pink and yellow rainbow 

AND

MAYBE it wasn't REALLY a CAFTAN

maybe it was a woman's 

TUNIC 

it was a CAFTAN on ME

SO

I was swirling and dancing around 

& SOMETHING 

& I THINK 

the woman who made the caftan

OR

POSSIBLY 

just ANOTHER woman 

WEARING a CAFTAN 

gave me

a FACIAL massage 

chair

there was a CHAIR in the lobby

of my university library 

it was kind of an

EGG chair

OVER sized, though

so if I sat in it cross-legged 

I could ONLY be seen

if you were looking at me head on

this always made me more at ease 

ALL through my CHILDHOOD 

I had this IRRATIONAL --

-- and I KNEW it was irrational AT the TIME --

FEAR

of being 

SHOT

-- though STRONGEST if I had my back to a WINDOW --

that CHAIR was BROWN leather

OLD enough 

that they changed all THOSE chairs

BEFORE I EVEN graduated 

ONE DAY

I realized that it could tip backwards slightly 

which I hadn't expected 

it was CONNECTED 

to the 

FLOOR 

AFTER THAT 

I took naps in it

I was working m,w,f,s,s from 4p-midnight

LATER actually because we had to

CLEAN & stuff 

& I had classes t,th. starting at 8:30a

I don't know how many times I took naps in 

that CHAIR 

probably FEWER than 

you're 

IMAGINING 

from my description 

because I've never 

been a ROUTINE 

girlie

BUT 

I THINK 

THAT 

was my 

FAVORITE 

CHAIR 

good morning

I have this 

MASHUP

OHTANI & caitlin clark 

stuck in my HEAD 

I hope you are having a beautiful day sweetheart 

looking for my wave

I'm going to sleep 

I think I need 

MORE 

DREAMING 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I'm sorry I'm not very TALK-Y 

I don't want that to seem

WEIRD 

it's just 

ANYTHING 

I could say

RIGHT NOW 

is probably bullsh*t

because my mind is like a tangled string of lights

or a bunch of chains

or extension cords 

& to tease the

STORY out of it REQUIRES

MORE 

than just pulling a bit of a single string of lights

& "starting there"

it isn't a desire to avoid you

THAT is NOT 

ANY part of my problem 

HOWEVER 

I DO have the distinct impression 

that if I do things

when I do not have the capacity to do them

that leads to bad outcomes 

& I am having some kind of identity crisis 

& THAT is not all that I'm having trouble with 

SO

PLEASE 

KNOW that I LOVE you 

& I'm trying to get 

myself sorted

YOU 

are 

MAGIC 

daylight savings time

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

I miss using emojis 

which is strange 

I always seem to stay up super late

when the time changes 

so I never get any extra sleep 

& I have no explanation for that 

I'm going to sleep now 

I'm hoping to 

DREAM

about

YOU 

<3

just WOW

that was

MAYBE the BEST

world series I've ever seen 

I am SO happy for the dodgers 

BUT 

SO sad for the blue jays 

they were so good

& played

SO HARD

AMAZING 

FIGHT 

BASEBALL WON, really 

the blue jays probably don't feel that way

not right now 

you are MAGIC

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I hope you are having a beautiful day 

I guess I'm having some 

OVERWHELM 

issues 

BUT 

I'm trying to work it out 

processing again, I guess

I've got a lot of stuff going on in my HEAD 

& I don't understand it well enough to articulate it 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I have to sleep 

I want to dream things that will help me 

SORT it all out

I think I agree with TK about the uniforms but I like that batting hermet

it's LIKE 

BASEBALL is a 

zip file

or

SOMETHING 

I'm feeling less sh*tty, but still a little out of it

I wrote that hours ago 

I guess now I'm going to have to remember 

to check that toggle

I guess once

you accidentally switch it

you can't switch it back

I'm having challenges with life today

I'm not sure how I'm doing 

I'm having 

ANXIETY today 

I had to "deal" with figuring out my mom's 

inspection/registration sticker

I feel exhausted 

& I want to throw & break sh*t

BUT 

that doesn't make SENSE 

I am sick of myself 

& that's not 

NORMAL

for me

I'm sorry I just feel like I'm not good company

I'm definitely off VIBE

I feel like I'm running around screaming 

rending my clothes & pulling out my hair

(except, not really, because I'm not in any pain)

I ALSO feel like 

I might fall over & pass out 

WTF

explaining user error

I think I may have

"scheduled" those posts

SOME of them 

are in a scheduled folder

NOT 

unfortunately 

the LONG

personally meaningful one

about this baseball series 

& how it has

OPENED me back up to baseball 

after a long period of 

being somewhat

disillusioned 

with

change in baseball 

I will have to re-write that one I guess 

I hope you are having a beautiful day 

testing one two three

it might be user error 

I had another one 

DISAPPEAR 

as soon as I posted it 

I'm not sure what is up

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

goodnight 

strange things a foot

there are like two or three

POSTS

MISSING 

from yesterday 

MAYBE 

it's the emojis 

???

good morning sweetheart 

NO EMOJIS 

I hope you are having a beautiful day 

NO EMOJIS 

it was like a journey

I MEAN 

THAT 

was

EPIC 

I gotta sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋

🫶🫶🫶

they're running out of pitching

WELL

now it's looking like 

17 innings

5-7

OR 

7-5

MAYBE 

nail biting

WHEW

& we go to extra innings

Shohei HUSTLE Ohtani 

is OUT 

BUT 

come on 

Kirk's back up

WOW again

I hope you are watching this

it's a GOOD game 

JUST WOW

fun

this is SO FUN

man, I bet it's fun to be a dogers fan for real

OHTANI 

AGAIN 

baseball again

AND

I MEAN 

this PITCHING 

BOTH sides

baseball

Alejandro KIRK 

slugging HOME RUN 

ohtani

Ohtani home run 

that deaf dumb and blind kid sure plays a mean pinball

when there's music playing in my HEAD 

SOMETIMES it's like

when you see in MOVIES 

the CIA is running an OPP and they are

BLASTING the AREA with 

LOUD music 

to overwhelm or whatever 

THAT is KINDA what I'm dealing with 

RIGHT NOW 

it's 

pinball wizard

I LOVE you

good morning sweetheart 🫶🫶🫶

goodnight sweetheart

thank you for being with me in spirit 

being with my mom 

doesn't feel 

supportive at all

& I really don't like the part where people come through and say the things they say

I gotta sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

🫶🫶🫶

visuals

the inner barrage continues

OK

driving here

stuck in my HEAD 

how sweet it is to be loved by you

weird music in my HEAD

are YOU okay 

I'm getting these

SONGS

that SEEM

some kinda WAY 

& they ARE

from my childhood 

BUT 

I just want to make sure 

YOU 

are NOT super agitated or something 

I LOVE you VERY much 

& I have NOT been 

trying to agitate

the songs

billy joel --  I'm doing it all for layna

the young & the restless theme song

MAYBE 

I just heard them somewhere 

I hope you are having a beautiful day sweetheart 🫶 🫶 🫶 

I shoulda BEEN SLEEP

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶🫶🫶

maybe an extra l-theanine

ALSO

for SOME reason 

it's VERY important to me 

that I post THIS 

with the RIGHT song

& I cannot FIND the right song

I'm weird

ALSO

I feel like I got MORE going on 

than I can PROCESS 

&

I'm experiencing 

CHOPPYNESS

SO

I guess I'm having a lot of feels

ALSO

those two bigger paintings 

we're reworked 

I was very EXCITED 

to make those

REALLY 

NICE

STRETCHED canvases

finally 

WORK

I had SO MUCH 

TEXTURE 

on that 

ONE

I guess I just wanted to share

I have a bad headache 

I had process

DREAMS 

I decided to stay in bed

I've only been moving around 

for a little while 

I had a thing 

I wanted to SAY 

that I felt like 

I needed to say STUFF 

BEFORE 

& NOW

I'm not sure if 

THIS

WAS what I wanted to say 

SEEMS unlikely 

I decided that

STIL de GRAIN flashe PAINT 

is gonna be a thing for me

I just get such good effects and I'm getting the FEEL of it, ya KNOW 

SO

I did some research 

they've got 

LIKE 

eleven-ish more iridescent colors

LOT

of metallics

the STIL de GRAIN has

a color and "reflective" layer in the paint

BUT 

the reflective layer 

READS SILVER

in certain concentrations

it GRABS me

SOME of this painting is 

ALMOST

SCULPTURAL or SOMETHING 

RAIN

it's starting to RAIN 🌧️☔ 

it's supposed to 

all night

& all 

tomorrow 

LIGHTS 

just went 

OUT

came back on

BUT 

it MIGHT get

EXCITING

I'm KINDA 

I'm not sure what emotion 

that I'm pretty happy 

with those paintings 

OFF

& on AGAIN 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

👾🫚🍀☁️☕🔥

what I worked on today

I reworked this one I'm planning on putting it at the end after the small silver one

surreal circus

I keep getting this vaguely floating to consciousness 

SURREAL CIRCUS & SIDESHOW 

also

if I ran the circus 

by dr Seuss

not sure where that's going 

OR if it's connected to 

EMPATHY 

exactly 

I hope you are having a beautiful day sweetheart 🫶🫶🫶

falling asleep

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶🫶🫶

TK

that's not what I DO

I don't welcome 

the brilliant dan been putting it into reasonable perspective 

point spread-y 🫶🫶🫶

ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT 

TK says of 

SECOND 

SONG

same

episode 🎉🔥

jesse owens!

individual neko wafers!

vs

whole big candy bars

coffee crisp🤤

matcha KitKat🤤

tk

TK is

JARRED by the white house 

I guess I'm GLAD

he mentioned it at all

what I worked on today

this is not finished, I think 

the other MIGHT be finished 

notes

TK is still not available on audible 

I really want to use my regular player

iTunes doesn't work as well for me

SO

probably tomorrow 

he's demo-ing the white house 

& it's a corporate sponsorship ballroom 

🤬🤬🤬

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

I'm going to bed

🫶🫶🫶

NAMSHUBS

HOW many HOLES 

does it take 

to FILL

the big empty void

that is your NEED or your DUE or whatever 

DESCRIBE your HOLE 

what does it tell you about the secret of life

emma goldman's living my life

snow crash

america is run by corporations 

NAMSHUBs

hester in scarlet letter

moved to england for pearl

BUT 

came BACK to live out her old age in her

PLACE of SIN & punishment 

romantic character in a 

realist world

what does it mean

the WORLD is 

SECRET

& the JOY 

is in the secret itself 

NOT 

KNOWING the secret

you can

NEVER

know the secret

you can only 

TRACE

the shape of it--  the HOLES you CAN SEE

"the chrysanthemums" by john steinbeck

I need to read AGAIN 

I remember 

it made me CRY in ninth grade

is it just sh*t that makes me cry

format -- question: parameters of a BOX

the BOX is

ALWAYS EMPTY 

& you are

A) ALWAYS 

B) NEVER 

alone

giving them each what they needed -- empathy as legacy

I'm also thinking about 

in wind-up bird

the guy

who brings him the BOX 

from the old guy who USED to tell him STORIES 

the BOX itself 

is EMPTY 

the legacy is the

STORY

which the man has been unable to TELL anyone 

which the old man couldn't TELL 

while he was

ALIVE

SO

it's KINDA a legacy to

EACH of them

the LEGACY giving TELLER

& the non-judgemental TOLD 

ugh

I UNDERSTAND 

that people 

JOIN 

groups

churches

BECAUSE they want to belong, to FEEL like they are in a community of like minded people 

I USED to want that TOO 

BUT 

when I couldn't 

FIND one

I had to do OTHER stuff 

they want to belong

BUT 

they ALSO want to FEEL like their ENEMIES will SUFFER

they want to be TOLD without 

FEELING LIKE 

they are being 

TOLD

they want to 

FEEL 

proximity to POWER even if it's 

CLAIMING jesus-y 

BLESSED are the

MEEK 

they are cool to be individually CALLED meek

as long as they have 

ACCESS to the JUICE

they don't ACTUALLY want EMPATHY unless it's 

FOR THEM

they don't LIKE 

LOVE your neighbor 

they don't LIKE 

judge not

lest you be judged

it's 

TRICKY 

I'll listen to the whole show later

sacco and vanzetti 

I LOVE you 

I'm trying to get to work club 

I hope you are having a beautiful day 🫶 

I'm nodding off

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I'm going to sleep 

🫶🫶🫶

I'm just hitting points

I KNOW 

I skipped a bunch of steps

it's not pie

the VERY supposed ACT

of engaging the

empathy engine 

is all about

"ME"

HOW 

can we break this

SENSE

that there is a SHORTAGE of "the good"

if anything good is happening to

YOU 

THEN

you MUST be 

KEEPING it FROM ME

sometimes there ARE short resources 

BUT 

MOSTLY 

this attitude is just hate filled 

DELULU

make delulu FUN again

HOW human are humans

the empathy engine 

in pkd's do androids dream 

exists in an environment where the earth is

DEPOPULATED

most people have moved

OFF WORLD

to get

AWAY 

from the pollution and radiation 

those who are left

are LARGELY 

genetically damaged

ISOLATED

& the empathy engine allows them to 

CONNECT with OTHER people 

they FEEL the

STONE

hit their face

BECOME the MAN walking UP from DEATH 

they FEEL the presence of the 

OTHERS

so they are

NOT ALONE in the WORLD

SO

they are 

& EVERYTHING in do androids 

is about PROVING your 

HUMANITY

because ONLY HUMANS HAVE empathy 

EXCEPT 

THAT

is just some b*llsh*t that they are 

TELLING themselves 

BOTH 

to give them a WAY to pretend that they are

STILL HUMAN

& to deHUMANIZE

the individuals 

they want

to USE

as

SLAVES

cruelty p*rn

POSSIBLY 

the largest single day protest

at LEAST since they STARTED collecting DATA

MAYBE 

read all about it on page 23 of the nyt

seriously 

the government has been taken over

by a CRUELTY P*RN

syndicate 

& the

PROBLEM is 

that while say

ICE CREAM 

is a thing that even if you don't specifically have 

a TASTE for it

you might be LIKE 

yeah, okay, I do KINDA like at least some flavors

of ice cream -- no big deal, I can eat it

IF you DON'T like

CRUELTY P*RN 

it tends

to make you

FEEL LIKE

NO!

I DON'T WANT to SEE THIS 

I don't LIKE this

STOP!

no therapy & I'm being difficult

I'm at work club 

therapy was 

of course 

cancelled 

&

it took me quite a bit of 

PUSH 

to get myself 

OUT 

of the house

I hope you are having a beautiful day 🫶 🫶 🫶 

I'll talk more soon, ps I heard Hank singing on the bayou at the cafeteria bathroom today

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

hopefully therapy tomorrow 

I'm thinking about 

my frog

collection 

& WONDERING 

I got stuff going on in my HEAD 

I'm hoping it 

gells

🫶🫶🫶

what I worked on today

additional thoughts

not because I don't like emojis 

BUT 

I'm not sure whether 

it's a problem 

& I intermittently 

THINK I should not 

you are

ps

pretty 

GREAT 

I'm going to sleep now

I'm thinking about 

the empathy engine 

in do androids dream of electric sheep

I want to conceptualize

a today version 

I've been thinking about it 

for a long time 

years maybe 

& 

of course 

it wasn't in the

MOVIE 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

no emojis today 

DANCE with me

tonight

in dreamland 

world building

I LOVE it TOO

goodnight

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

👾🫚🍀☁️☕🫶🫶🫶🔥

❤️❤️❤️

tranquility park

I keep calling it the courthouse 

BUT 

then I'm LIKE 

BUT 

that's not where you've gone 

for jury duty

& whatnot

are you

SURE 

it's not 

CITY HALL 

yes, it's city hall

I'm confusing myself

the march was very cool

NOT the sob-fest

I had back in 

JUNE

&

it was SO HOT 🔥 

there had been some talk of it being 

two to six

&

I was LIKE 

I won't make it to six

BUT 

they marched at roughly four

& it seemed like more people than in june 

& they had an earlier rally

at discovery green 

& then marched

down to the

I keep calling it the courthouse 

is that RIGHT 

hang on

errata

I didn't have the sound on

I just SAW

JAPAN

7mil

it was hot, the weather I mean

one of my favorite signs today 

'i would call t*ump a c*nt

but he lacks depth 

and warmth'