ok
i wanna tell you this
i feel like it's anti-sexy
so i probably shouldn't tell you
but
i don't seem to be able to stop myself
when i saw you last
i did not shave my legs
i have not shaved my legs for like
twenty years
and now
i have various leg "issues" which would make it
harder for me
besides
i wear bi-focals
and i can't really see
whatever
i didn't
however
i did shave my arm pits
and
i waxed my face
well
not really wax i think
that "nad's" stuff-- sticky vegetal gel
because
i looked at myself
and i said
this is not good enough
i'm not going to see him with all this facial hair
it worked really well
i was very happy with it
and it lasted a while too
however
it did not last forever
and
it now seems worse
and i've had really a lot of breakouts on my chin
and i pick at them
so
my skin has been actively sore
normally
i pluck facial hair almost constantly
but
the stuff that grows on my chin
isn't hair
it's whiskers
and
even under the best of circumstances
it hurts a lot to pluck it
but for the last almost month
i'm just like
no
i can't
and i won't shave
i just won't
it's too far
i'm not a man
i know women shave their faces
they even (some of them) talk about it
but i just can not bring myself to do it
so
for the last couple weeks
i've been going to work
really expecting someone to say something
bearded lady, much
even though
seriously
it's white or very pale blonde
it's only noticeable, really, if the light hits it just right
at which point
it looks
honestly
more like some alien thing than a beard
but
i cannot tell you how much i hate it
and
i'm just owning it
because
owwwww
ya know
and
nobody would say anything
and maybe they haven't noticed
and
i dropped my tweezers
that i keep always by my side
accidentally somewhere under my chair
and i didn't even crawl around on my belly like a reptile
i just
on the way home
stopped at cvs
and bought a new tweezer and a box of sally hansen cold wax strips
(they didn't have the nad's)
because i have been using a new thing
that has almost cleared up my face [zinc pca, i think]
and i'm going to remove hair
one day
and i may regret it when i do
i'm going to buy one of those facial planing tools
and just shave that way
the girl-y way
because
for some reason
that
is a place
i draw the line
Saturday, March 30, 2019
Note from the Parking Lot
it just rained here
the air smells green
and rich
and earthy
it's like a gift
Earth smell
Sea smell
probably woods smell too
not sure
I feel better
human
it's literally like
I took a hand full of anti-depressants
I want to tell you how much I love you
how nothing matters
except that love
but
maybe that's hormones too
maybe the things that make me unhappy
will still make me unhappy
and still matter
just not as much
as when I'm super super depressed about it
I like these hormones
can I have these instead of the crappy ones
and the ones that grow whiskers
please
seriously, please
I have no idea what is going on
I am stressed out about it
Also
I thought that was the way to go with 11:11
but now I don't
too joke-y, I guess
but I'm not sure where to go from there
So
something will be written today
but it may be stand-up about my job
rather than anything deep
I dreamed
I was working in a coffee shop
I begged to work on Saturday nights
because it was busy
then
I volunteered to clean the bathrooms
and ended up cleaning out a closet
Very Weird
I feel super crappy
cramping for no obvious reason
I'm seriously like an inch from a fuge state mentally
I love you
I can't handle anything
like not anything at all
just nothing
I'm having hormones I think
but
they don't know which way to go
I might so
I might punch somebody
Dude
It's a wide berth day
does that make sense
Friday, March 29, 2019
11:11
this is what I keep coming back to
so this is what I'm gonna write
I don't know that it's good
tomorrow
Love
I guess
when it came down to it
my fantasy wasn't really to write
my fantasy was romantic you & me stuff
and
I understand
maybe
that's not real
it's just this
and
I said I wanted to write
but maybe I didn't really want to
I wanted to mourn
you and me and the puppyfish in the house by the sea and all the stuff
I'm never gonna have
and pain pain pain
maybe
I just wanted to get you off my back
and
I seem to have grievances
and
I don't know what you really want from me
and
it all just spirals off
again and again
and
I really have to write something
but
I don't seem to want to write the trumplandia story
so
starting tomorrow
SOMETHING
but
I can't guarantee
sweetness
I can't get happy enough for sweetness
the only stuff that's anything
is kinda surreal
so maybe
maybe I am crazy, after all
I love you very much
goodnight
Thursday, March 28, 2019
Wednesday, March 27, 2019
I talked to my taper
and he will record for me
I fell down a pen rabbit hole
and ended up ordering a cheap cool pen
which might come tomorrow
and
some weird refurbished fude pens
even cheaper off eBay
also
I was going to see van Gogh today
but I woke up with a bad headache
ended up taking a bath
and eating Mexican food
I've been depressed
I think
or
moody anyway
I'm trying to be in a storytelling mode
but
it just comes out
shit from my childhood
and
I don't think you wanna hear that crap
I love you
very much
sweetheart
but
I'm pretty sure I'm not giving you what you want right now
and
I'm sorry about that
Sunday, March 24, 2019
Friday, March 22, 2019
my excessive night time skincare routine
i fell asleep in the chair again
i'm very excited about my skincare routine
which might not interest you
but
i have to tell you about it anyway
ok
i bought the dhc astaxanthin
at ulta
i found it on amazon like a year ago
but i didn't want to buy it without testing it first
i've been aware of dhc since the 90s but i've never tried any of their stuff
but i was looking for an astaxanthin product
i got an email or something letting me know that ulta was carrying dhc
and i went by the same day
and it was there
on the shelf
no tester
i asked the sales girl and she opened one
i really like it
and i got a sample of the dhc cleansing oil
[which you might not know, but it's iconic
one sells every like 17 seconds or something]
and
i've never really been a cleansing oil girl
i just don't ever like it
and i didn't expect to like this either
but i do
it's olive oil, but it's whisper light
and it has a mild rosemary scent
(from rosemary oil)
and i am a sucker for rosemary
i hate when stuff smells like roses or ylang ylang or whatever
but rosemary sends me to the moon
but
it's subtle
i didn't notice it consciously
then i use my egg white soap
leave it on for 5 minutes as a facial
then witch hazel
this stuff cleans off any soap residue and rebalances my skin
i love it
i love how it smells
cannot quit this stuff
did not take it on the road with me the last time
and didn't miss it
so, idk, but if it's handy i can't walk past it
then
i start the serious stuff
i have a mist i'm using so i can start damp
it's not my favorite but i got it half price
and it does contain kombucha
but also rose water, so mixed bag
then the ordinary marine hyaluronics
i would rather fight than switch on this product
i love love love it
i had been using the vichy89 serum and i wasn't lookin to change
but the ordinary sent me an email telling me it had won a buch of awards
and telling me i could buy up to three at half price
that was months ago
i never used the vichy again
then propolis serum
this is new but i think it is effective so we'll see
then mizon night repair
this is a little less "clean"
but i like mizon
i used the snail all-in-one quite a bit in the past
and i got it cheaply enough on sale
that i wanted to see if the natto would do anything exciting
i use galactomyces in the day
and i was gonna use bifida ferment lysate at night
but i thought, no, let's see what mizon thinks is a good night "seruming ampoule"
whatever that is
i miss it if i leave it out
and i like the feel of it with marine hyaluronics
(which i had been leaving off at night)
much better than without
then resiliency serum
which i got in a box
and even though i really hate the smell of carrot seed oil
i'm using because it seems like the most active thing in the routine
aloe and carrot seed oil basically
idk honestly tonight is the first night i'm adding it into night routine
then astaxanthin all-in-one
and then
i stop
i do dinner and whatnot
my skin feels pretty happy at that point
then later
when i'm done with all that
if i got stuff on my face
i use a cleansing cloth to clean up
and if i need to
maybe touch up as needed
before the next round
the spa cream
i had put it on a subscription on amazon
and it came yesterday
and i had to do a little dance around the room
i love it so much
i'm trying not to slather it on
then honua olena oil
this came in a box too
but
my god, it is love in a bottle
it's turmeric and noni infused into hawaiian oils
all traditional healer method
and i love the smell of the turmeric
and the infusion oils seem to feel different
ok
are you ready
sometimes this is the last step
yasuni balm
this was in a box
and i love this
it makes me feel loved
and
i think it is doing really good things for my face
but
i don't know how i am going to afford to buy it
or live without it
i feel very intensely about it
now
sometimes this isn't the last step
sometimes i sit around
or fall asleep in the chair
and it all more or less sinks in
and i want another layer to sink in overnight
and that is this acai fig marula oil
i got this in a box too
i have literally spent days off just applying this oil every few hours all day long
i love it too
that's a lot of steps
and
the thing is
i wouldn't even say my skin is dry
although
who can say
i'm not normally leaving it bare
but it never feels tight
but
i think i've always tended toward dehydration
and the addition of hydrators
instead of just moisturizers
has made a big difference
i'm probably going to need to stop the boxes
i mean
i do about half the time with pearlesque
and maybe a third of the time with love goodly
but you can't skip on boxwalla
but there are only six a year
and they are mostly wonderful
but
if i get a routine that i want to stick with
i'll need to stop the boxes
and try to buy the stuff with that money
but
this is a big chunk of what i'm focusing on now
goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much
i'm very excited about my skincare routine
which might not interest you
but
i have to tell you about it anyway
ok
i bought the dhc astaxanthin
at ulta
i found it on amazon like a year ago
but i didn't want to buy it without testing it first
i've been aware of dhc since the 90s but i've never tried any of their stuff
but i was looking for an astaxanthin product
i got an email or something letting me know that ulta was carrying dhc
and i went by the same day
and it was there
on the shelf
no tester
i asked the sales girl and she opened one
i really like it
and i got a sample of the dhc cleansing oil
[which you might not know, but it's iconic
one sells every like 17 seconds or something]
and
i've never really been a cleansing oil girl
i just don't ever like it
and i didn't expect to like this either
but i do
it's olive oil, but it's whisper light
and it has a mild rosemary scent
(from rosemary oil)
and i am a sucker for rosemary
i hate when stuff smells like roses or ylang ylang or whatever
but rosemary sends me to the moon
but
it's subtle
i didn't notice it consciously
then i use my egg white soap
leave it on for 5 minutes as a facial
then witch hazel
this stuff cleans off any soap residue and rebalances my skin
i love it
i love how it smells
cannot quit this stuff
did not take it on the road with me the last time
and didn't miss it
so, idk, but if it's handy i can't walk past it
then
i start the serious stuff
i have a mist i'm using so i can start damp
it's not my favorite but i got it half price
and it does contain kombucha
but also rose water, so mixed bag
then the ordinary marine hyaluronics
i would rather fight than switch on this product
i love love love it
i had been using the vichy89 serum and i wasn't lookin to change
but the ordinary sent me an email telling me it had won a buch of awards
and telling me i could buy up to three at half price
that was months ago
i never used the vichy again
then propolis serum
this is new but i think it is effective so we'll see
then mizon night repair
this is a little less "clean"
but i like mizon
i used the snail all-in-one quite a bit in the past
and i got it cheaply enough on sale
that i wanted to see if the natto would do anything exciting
i use galactomyces in the day
and i was gonna use bifida ferment lysate at night
but i thought, no, let's see what mizon thinks is a good night "seruming ampoule"
whatever that is
i miss it if i leave it out
and i like the feel of it with marine hyaluronics
(which i had been leaving off at night)
much better than without
then resiliency serum
which i got in a box
and even though i really hate the smell of carrot seed oil
i'm using because it seems like the most active thing in the routine
aloe and carrot seed oil basically
idk honestly tonight is the first night i'm adding it into night routine
then astaxanthin all-in-one
and then
i stop
i do dinner and whatnot
my skin feels pretty happy at that point
then later
when i'm done with all that
if i got stuff on my face
i use a cleansing cloth to clean up
and if i need to
maybe touch up as needed
before the next round
the spa cream
i had put it on a subscription on amazon
and it came yesterday
and i had to do a little dance around the room
i love it so much
i'm trying not to slather it on
then honua olena oil
this came in a box too
but
my god, it is love in a bottle
it's turmeric and noni infused into hawaiian oils
all traditional healer method
and i love the smell of the turmeric
and the infusion oils seem to feel different
ok
are you ready
sometimes this is the last step
yasuni balm
this was in a box
and i love this
it makes me feel loved
and
i think it is doing really good things for my face
but
i don't know how i am going to afford to buy it
or live without it
i feel very intensely about it
now
sometimes this isn't the last step
sometimes i sit around
or fall asleep in the chair
and it all more or less sinks in
and i want another layer to sink in overnight
and that is this acai fig marula oil
i got this in a box too
i have literally spent days off just applying this oil every few hours all day long
i love it too
that's a lot of steps
and
the thing is
i wouldn't even say my skin is dry
although
who can say
i'm not normally leaving it bare
but it never feels tight
but
i think i've always tended toward dehydration
and the addition of hydrators
instead of just moisturizers
has made a big difference
i'm probably going to need to stop the boxes
i mean
i do about half the time with pearlesque
and maybe a third of the time with love goodly
but you can't skip on boxwalla
but there are only six a year
and they are mostly wonderful
but
if i get a routine that i want to stick with
i'll need to stop the boxes
and try to buy the stuff with that money
but
this is a big chunk of what i'm focusing on now
goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much
Wednesday, March 20, 2019
Sunday, March 17, 2019
Saturday, March 16, 2019
i fell asleep in the chair again
so
the first dream last night was
i was talking with you
in this amazing room
i'm not sure if it was a lounge of some sort or a hotel room
or what exactly
it seemed too open to be a hotel room
but
it seemed too private to be like the hotel bar
there were these banquettes
and windows everywhere
way up
high rise
cityscape-- but which city, not sure
and
it was bright and beautiful outside
but somehow not harsh
soft light
inside
very plush
but minimal and clean
white
soft matte leather
just like the most beautiful place
and
i was like interviewing you
or something
and
i hadn't arranged properly
for some sort of three day
permit
or paperwork of some kind
so you couldn't stay with me
the first dream last night was
i was talking with you
in this amazing room
i'm not sure if it was a lounge of some sort or a hotel room
or what exactly
it seemed too open to be a hotel room
but
it seemed too private to be like the hotel bar
there were these banquettes
and windows everywhere
way up
high rise
cityscape-- but which city, not sure
and
it was bright and beautiful outside
but somehow not harsh
soft light
inside
very plush
but minimal and clean
white
soft matte leather
just like the most beautiful place
and
i was like interviewing you
or something
and
i hadn't arranged properly
for some sort of three day
permit
or paperwork of some kind
so you couldn't stay with me
Friday, March 15, 2019
Thursday, March 14, 2019
goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much
the green tea water bomb is good
the propolis serum
also good
last night
I tested them without
most of the other layers
just mist underneath
and yasuni balm on top
and
it wasn't really enough
but
today
I have snail bee skin
and Marine hyaluronics
and mizon night repair seruming ampoule
and propolis serum
and water balm
and face oil
and yasuni balm
and
now I feel the age coming right off me
But
It's too many layers
I got to rein it in
Tuesday, March 12, 2019
goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much
I stayed up way too late
but
I found a peptide cream
I have used
already
the entire jar of that manyo spa cream
now don't get me wrong
I love it
but
I'mma try this other one
green tea water bomb
chock full of peptides
by a company called bonajour
with which I'm unfamiliar
but their product ingredients seem clean
and I saw their website and Instagram
and a couple YouTube reviews
so
I think they're legit
It's a bigger tube and cheaper
I was thinking I could alternate
but
I'm not ruling out going with this one if it's good
I love you
Sunday, March 10, 2019
Friday, March 8, 2019
you sound good
and i knew it was a year
but
i wasn't putting together
that it was a year today
i love you sweetheart
i had
to be honest
not like an interesting day
but
the store decided to celebrate international women's day
which i always think is march 9th
idk why
so all the guys are like
happy holidays to me
which was just weird
they all think it's a newly declared holiday
and
it's not a fucking holiday
and it's not new
but we got these pins
they got a coupon to get a free one
they're $7.99
and i couldn't get a free one
but i was thinking of buying one
it's pink boxing gloves
and it says
fight like a girl
so
when we started getting low
i put one in my pocket
but
then
this girl (30, i know cause she bought wine)
she says
i'm the one who called earlier and asked if you still had pins
and
there weren't any more pins
and i said
i don't think there are any more
and she looked like she might cry
so i'm like
look, one more pin
and she beamed at me
i already bought the lemon with the cute banner
like a miss america sash
it says: bitter
i love love it
and the one that says but first, coffee
hopefully
we get more in
people kept thinking they could get unlimited numbers of free pins
no
one free one
with the coupon
all others after one you have to buy-- $7.99
one woman bought ten
it's extremely muggy here today
it's been doing the 70-30-70-30 thing again
but today 80 and muggy
doesn't matter
summer's next week-ish
until end october
but we have had some pretty continually intermittent rain
i love rain
as long as it's not flooding rain
that you can keep
we're all still a little ptsd about that
i love you very much sweetheart
and i knew it was a year
but
i wasn't putting together
that it was a year today
i love you sweetheart
i had
to be honest
not like an interesting day
but
the store decided to celebrate international women's day
which i always think is march 9th
idk why
so all the guys are like
happy holidays to me
which was just weird
they all think it's a newly declared holiday
and
it's not a fucking holiday
and it's not new
but we got these pins
they got a coupon to get a free one
they're $7.99
and i couldn't get a free one
but i was thinking of buying one
it's pink boxing gloves
and it says
fight like a girl
so
when we started getting low
i put one in my pocket
but
then
this girl (30, i know cause she bought wine)
she says
i'm the one who called earlier and asked if you still had pins
and
there weren't any more pins
and i said
i don't think there are any more
and she looked like she might cry
so i'm like
look, one more pin
and she beamed at me
i already bought the lemon with the cute banner
like a miss america sash
it says: bitter
i love love it
and the one that says but first, coffee
hopefully
we get more in
people kept thinking they could get unlimited numbers of free pins
no
one free one
with the coupon
all others after one you have to buy-- $7.99
one woman bought ten
it's extremely muggy here today
it's been doing the 70-30-70-30 thing again
but today 80 and muggy
doesn't matter
summer's next week-ish
until end october
but we have had some pretty continually intermittent rain
i love rain
as long as it's not flooding rain
that you can keep
we're all still a little ptsd about that
i love you very much sweetheart
Thursday, March 7, 2019
Wednesday, March 6, 2019
i found out some stuff
turns out i wanted to know
he got dementia at the end
he set fire to jason's apartment
his last words were: don mclean
because jason had asked him what music he wanted to listen to
and
his brain forgot how to breathe
that's what he died from
jason says he's happier as a ghost painting
i remember listening to don mclean with him
turns out i wanted to know
he got dementia at the end
he set fire to jason's apartment
his last words were: don mclean
because jason had asked him what music he wanted to listen to
and
his brain forgot how to breathe
that's what he died from
jason says he's happier as a ghost painting
i remember listening to don mclean with him
Tuesday, March 5, 2019
well
we've been carrying on a dialog
on facebook private message
and
he sent me a video of the kid waving
hi aunt biff buff
which is what jason called me when he was little
and so has subsequently called me forever
so
i guess there's no hope for it
he says the kid is just like dad
i'm a little frightened
i know what you're thinking
i said that at one point he was the only one that understood me
and
he took all those courses and
there are all those similarities
how can we have not been keeping in touch
well
when you are raised by a crazy person
and you have a skewed frame of reference for reality
the other person who shares that frame of reference
understands you the best
and
apparently
growing up with dad
also
makes you like new german cinema
who knew
i didn't lead the way
more parallel lives
so
do you think less of me?
we've been carrying on a dialog
on facebook private message
and
he sent me a video of the kid waving
hi aunt biff buff
which is what jason called me when he was little
and so has subsequently called me forever
so
i guess there's no hope for it
he says the kid is just like dad
i'm a little frightened
i know what you're thinking
i said that at one point he was the only one that understood me
and
he took all those courses and
there are all those similarities
how can we have not been keeping in touch
well
when you are raised by a crazy person
and you have a skewed frame of reference for reality
the other person who shares that frame of reference
understands you the best
and
apparently
growing up with dad
also
makes you like new german cinema
who knew
i didn't lead the way
more parallel lives
so
do you think less of me?
I think
generally
I have problems connecting with people
in a permanent like meaningful way
I don't really remember my mother
from when I was little
and then there was that thing where my father
kidnapped me
wouldn't let anybody see me
because I had to get used to Deborah
I did kindergarten
and then two different first grades
I think
I just decided
internally
that people weren't meant to be permanent
now
I mean my father was
but
I can't really go (right now) back into
the whole struggle with Deborah
and
when I went to live with my mom
they got rid of my stuff
and my room (it became a junk room)
and I had to sleep on the couch
on which Jason regularly peed
without even sheets or anything
ya know
because they didn't want me to come visit
I was 10
Jason was 5
so, I mean, it wasn't his fault
but
I don't remember those days fondly
and
I didn't have much of a relationship with Jason
subsequently
I saw him some
but not much
not regular
when I got into college
I tried to do more stuff with him
but
I had a finite amount of money
so I was usually using coupons
which he hated
and made me feel bad about
and then
I was never cool enough
or whatever
When he was in college
I was working and going to college
and then just working a lot
and
I saw him almost never
and it was never like
hey, I'm gonna be in town let's make plans
it was like hey
NOW I can see you, drop everything
which is what dad always did to me
and his girlfriend would look at me disapprovingly
like who the fuck even are you
and then I started working like 70hrs a week
and I couldn't make it a few times
and he stopped calling
and then he sent me a letter
check the box
I'm alive
I'm dead
or something smartass
and
I never sent it back
then
I'm not sure
until 2007/2008 Xmas season
I went there
and
it was unpleasant and awkward
and
I felt very judged
and
emotionally unsafe
and
I communicated a few times
but
we didn't seem to have much to talk about
and eventually I just didn't anymore
then
there was the whole Myspace wedding invitation
and
learning about dad
and not being able to deal with that
and you and your thing
and I just shut down
and I never tried again
I would run away from my mother too
if I could
it's like I can't be me
in proximity to people
who remind me
of the
poor white trash little
red headed step child
does that make any sense?
I'm triggered
so I'm bad
I'm evil
whatever
so
he left me a message this morning
and I left him one back
but
I mean
not really an adequate one
maybe
maybe I can explain my life to you
but
probably not in a way you'd get
clearly I'm a bad sister
I just am
but
it's not out of a malicious nature
and
I don't know what to say to him
he says "probably at some point you should meet your nephew"
and my immediate response
that wells from my heart
don't you think that's a little unfair to him
I gotta go back to work
more of my badness later
Monday, March 4, 2019
well
my brother found me again on social media
and
I mean
I can't see refusing his friend request
but
I'm not sure I'm ready to accept it either
I'm kind of a hermit
I'm not really ready to
like
be sociable
and
he might be mad at me
he might want to talk about dad
I'm freaking out a little
I don't think he sent me any message
just a friend request
and
I didn't send him a message
I just accepted the friend request
I haven't talked to him in like 10 years
You can't really fathom that, can you
You are very close with your family
You probably think I've been in touch
but just didn't mention it
it is really just you
that I seem to not let go of
and I'm not sure
what that means
anyway
feel free to think badly of me
maybe that's what's warranted
but
I feel like 🏃 running
I love you very much sweetheart
goodnight
Friday, March 1, 2019
I found panties, maybe it's gonna be a good day
ok
I just have to say
if you are trying to get a message
out of anything I'm posting
I don't think there is one
I'm not generally doing that good
yesterday Karl kept asking me if I was ok
because I looked so down
and
just now
the cat kinda visciously slashed me
which he hasn't been doing lately
and
I just stood there and sobbed
as the blood ran down my leg
that's not normal for me
I'd usually yell at him
or give him a lecture
or
say fucking cat
and go get some coffee
so
probably depressed
definitely hormonal again
so
if you think I'm saying anything bad
I would not give that much credence
but
if you think I'm saying something good
maybe not that either
I'm mostly on a
like
don't like
level
right now
and
I think it's the thing again today
I love you sweetheart
Monday, February 25, 2019
I feel like
I've been kinda in a bubble
you probably want to hear something
I would like to know what you're up to today
I don't really feel like I'm the same person
I started to take a picture for you this morning
but
then I saw my under eyes
and was like
I'm not sending out a picture of that
fuck
I did binge watch a show I really liked
The Umbrella Academy
might not be academy, not sure now strangely
Time Travel
Super Power Children
Then Adults
Disfunctional Family
One of the Best things I've seen on TV
Netflix!
good morning sweetheart
I love you
Sunday, February 24, 2019
Friday, February 22, 2019
goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much
that cream already came
so so fast
anyway
I used it tonight
and
I think I like it better than protini
it's kinda light weight
but
very emoliant
I'm doing pretty well mood-wise
maybe
we could meet in Dreamland
or maybe it's too late tonight
tomorrow works too
Wednesday, February 20, 2019
i don't think you will find this particularly interesting
but
i am super excited about it
so i'm going to tell you anyway
i went to sephora to get supplies for my trip
back in early january
normally i go to ulta
but i needed something they don't sell there
i can't remember what right now
but
the important thing was i got a birthday gift
and it included the protini cream by drunk elephant
i was pretty excited because i thought a protein cream might be just the ticket
especially since my skin seems to like the egg white soap so much
anyway
i really like it
it heals stuff up faster
but the sample didn't last too long
and
i don't want to buy the full size
in addition to having stunningly ugly packaging
and the kind i hate where
[yeah yeah it's air proof]
you can't tell how fast you're using it up
and then it's just suddenly gone
and
the full size jar is $68.
that's too much
i bought 2 more sample sizes on ebay
just to get a real sense of how fast i'd go through it
and
$68. is really really too expensive
so i thought back
and i used to use an acure product
it changed names like three times
but the important thing is that it worked even better than protini for me
and it contained chlorella growth factor
it was about $25
which i thought was too expensive for how fast i went through it
but now it seems reasonable
well
they don't seem to make it anymore
and the only things with chlorella growth factor in them are too expensive
and not really the same type of thing
so i went back to looking for a protini dupe
and
i just can't find anything that seems to be the same
i took the cat to the vet today
he got shots
and then i got on amazon
and hunted
and i found this:
https://manyo-factory.com/en/shop/product/ultra-moist-spa-cream-pitatelnyi-spa-krem-s-morskimi-mineralami
but on amazon, cheaper
now
it's not peptides
and it's not chlorella growth factor
but it is a whole ton of fermented kelp and chlorella and other seaweed stuff
which is the next best thing
and
is kinda what's up with la mer
but this is a lightweight cream
and it should be about two month's supply for about $25.
so
if that works
it should be awesome
manyo factory is a korean brand that is like clean beauty
and the ingredients look great
except i don't see any preservative : |
i have the manyo factory galactomyces special treatment essence
and it is like one of the best things i have ever used, seriously
i hope you are having fun
i think it's really great that your doing that
and i hope you sell things
and get written up in the paper
and get all kinds of props
i love you very much sweetheart
goodnight
but
i am super excited about it
so i'm going to tell you anyway
i went to sephora to get supplies for my trip
back in early january
normally i go to ulta
but i needed something they don't sell there
i can't remember what right now
but
the important thing was i got a birthday gift
and it included the protini cream by drunk elephant
i was pretty excited because i thought a protein cream might be just the ticket
especially since my skin seems to like the egg white soap so much
anyway
i really like it
it heals stuff up faster
but the sample didn't last too long
and
i don't want to buy the full size
in addition to having stunningly ugly packaging
and the kind i hate where
[yeah yeah it's air proof]
you can't tell how fast you're using it up
and then it's just suddenly gone
and
the full size jar is $68.
that's too much
i bought 2 more sample sizes on ebay
just to get a real sense of how fast i'd go through it
and
$68. is really really too expensive
so i thought back
and i used to use an acure product
it changed names like three times
but the important thing is that it worked even better than protini for me
and it contained chlorella growth factor
it was about $25
which i thought was too expensive for how fast i went through it
but now it seems reasonable
well
they don't seem to make it anymore
and the only things with chlorella growth factor in them are too expensive
and not really the same type of thing
so i went back to looking for a protini dupe
and
i just can't find anything that seems to be the same
i took the cat to the vet today
he got shots
and then i got on amazon
and hunted
and i found this:
https://manyo-factory.com/en/shop/product/ultra-moist-spa-cream-pitatelnyi-spa-krem-s-morskimi-mineralami
but on amazon, cheaper
now
it's not peptides
and it's not chlorella growth factor
but it is a whole ton of fermented kelp and chlorella and other seaweed stuff
which is the next best thing
and
is kinda what's up with la mer
but this is a lightweight cream
and it should be about two month's supply for about $25.
so
if that works
it should be awesome
manyo factory is a korean brand that is like clean beauty
and the ingredients look great
except i don't see any preservative : |
i have the manyo factory galactomyces special treatment essence
and it is like one of the best things i have ever used, seriously
i hope you are having fun
i think it's really great that your doing that
and i hope you sell things
and get written up in the paper
and get all kinds of props
i love you very much sweetheart
goodnight
Sunday, February 17, 2019
i hope you're having fun sweetheart
i don't know if you watched those shows or not
and
if you did
maybe you liked em
or maybe you didn't
apparently dating shows are popular
and i don't know if they are talking about like
the bachelor
or whatever
i've watched part of an episode of that
and
i didn't care for it
but
watching this
i realize
though i'm pretty sure i've told you
that i haven't really dated
i think
you probably don't believe me
but
this show
it was pretty mind blowing for me
just watching the way these people interact
i really like lex
and leonard
and mila
like i want more of their stories
leonard and mila
they picked the ones i wanted them to pick
but lex
i was kinda routing for the football guy
although, watching it again, i realize
they didn't really fit
and
cory
i think either he's lying about not looking him up
or else
he just didn't want to
so he told himself he couldn't because he didn't know his last name
because i
with my stalker-y skill
looked lex up-- lex, stage design, nyc
and he came up, instantly-- lex liang
i like lex
lex is my imaginary friend
like
we meet once a week for drinks and catch up
well, realistically,more like a couple times a month
at a club
where he's also catching up with other people he knows
and suddenly
i have an imaginary "scene"
where i'm rubbing elbows with theater people and drag queens
whatever
i just want to talk to him
he is like zen intense
and smart/ass
i very rarely have any desire to interact with people
leonard
i gotta admit
is so lovely
and
i don't know if he and dianne are perfect for each other
or if they are both just gentle souls
but
i mean
he couldn't really pick any of the others
that one woman-- the upper west side one
was probably the worst
she was hard to watch even
so so [what i read as] fake
[though maybe not, idk, but just no]
and then the fashionista
she was like fun, but not to have a relationship with
i love the way she talks
i was a little afraid i'm a little like her
but
really, i think that was more when i was young
kinda dramatic
and then the cell phone one
she was trouble
and francine was a hoot
but
again not to be in a relationship with, maybe
or maybe it's too early to tell
but
i kind of love him
and when he turns to the camera and says: i hate this shit
i know exactly what he means
they were just so obviously not right
and yet she made him tell her
like painfully
so, she says, i'm not your type
like it's about how she looks
when
she wants to do nthings he doesn't like to do
and their social politeness rules/ethical mores don't match
you just want to say
shit woman-- were you on this date
but leonard
idk
i feel some kinda way about him
it's weird
now mila
she seems nice
and she's very pretty
but
charlotte
was the connection there
but they had chemistry, for sure
so fun
but
the way they are defining themselves
reminds me of the way i tried to define myself for you
which i think you maybe didn't understand
i think you thought i was trying to tell you
that i was not a woman
and that was never what i was saying
if you watch this episode [6] i think you will understand
what i was doing
i can't describe it
but i guess i can recognize it when i see it
so maybe that'll make me make more sense, ya know
although
it's weird
because i haven't really dated girls either
and yet
that's just what i instictually know needs to happen
when charlotte says:
i embrace my femininity i just present very masculine
because it makes me feel more confident
like if i'm too girly i feel awkward
i said aloud YES
although
i wouldn't say i present very masculine
i would not say that
but i would say i present as
maybe tonally androgynous
or maybe normatively informed by the masculine
but these are things i'm coming up with now to try to describe
the thing
that really
is best summed up by:
because it makes me feel more confident
like if i'm too girly i feel awkward
i don't think stem covers it
i'm not butch
but
i find the butch aesthetic does inform
some of my outlook
but
mostly
feel more confident
like if i'm too girly i feel awkward
there's a way in which i want to be charlotte
but
although i'm attracted to her in some ways
not the ways that would count
i'm actually more attracted to lex
although
that doesn't work
it's more to do with
his facial expressions
and the way his brain works
although, i mean, i like the look of him
but
i'm not thinking sexually at all
although
i guess imight work my way around to that
after i knew him for a while
which would not make me happy, ya know
but leonard
idk
am i looking at him sexually?
no
but
i'm not not
if that makes any sense
i don't think this show
is supposed to be that self-revelatory, ya know
maybe
this is not the kind of thing you want from me
or
maybe it's not what you want from me right now
maybe i've just confused you
or pissed you off
anyway
maybe this doesn't make any sense
or whatever
but
here's more information about me that you didn't have before
i think
i don't know if you watched those shows or not
and
if you did
maybe you liked em
or maybe you didn't
apparently dating shows are popular
and i don't know if they are talking about like
the bachelor
or whatever
i've watched part of an episode of that
and
i didn't care for it
but
watching this
i realize
though i'm pretty sure i've told you
that i haven't really dated
i think
you probably don't believe me
but
this show
it was pretty mind blowing for me
just watching the way these people interact
i really like lex
and leonard
and mila
like i want more of their stories
leonard and mila
they picked the ones i wanted them to pick
but lex
i was kinda routing for the football guy
although, watching it again, i realize
they didn't really fit
and
cory
i think either he's lying about not looking him up
or else
he just didn't want to
so he told himself he couldn't because he didn't know his last name
because i
with my stalker-y skill
looked lex up-- lex, stage design, nyc
and he came up, instantly-- lex liang
i like lex
lex is my imaginary friend
like
we meet once a week for drinks and catch up
well, realistically,more like a couple times a month
at a club
where he's also catching up with other people he knows
and suddenly
i have an imaginary "scene"
where i'm rubbing elbows with theater people and drag queens
whatever
i just want to talk to him
he is like zen intense
and smart/ass
i very rarely have any desire to interact with people
leonard
i gotta admit
is so lovely
and
i don't know if he and dianne are perfect for each other
or if they are both just gentle souls
but
i mean
he couldn't really pick any of the others
that one woman-- the upper west side one
was probably the worst
she was hard to watch even
so so [what i read as] fake
[though maybe not, idk, but just no]
and then the fashionista
she was like fun, but not to have a relationship with
i love the way she talks
i was a little afraid i'm a little like her
but
really, i think that was more when i was young
kinda dramatic
and then the cell phone one
she was trouble
and francine was a hoot
but
again not to be in a relationship with, maybe
or maybe it's too early to tell
but
i kind of love him
and when he turns to the camera and says: i hate this shit
i know exactly what he means
they were just so obviously not right
and yet she made him tell her
like painfully
so, she says, i'm not your type
like it's about how she looks
when
she wants to do nthings he doesn't like to do
and their social politeness rules/ethical mores don't match
you just want to say
shit woman-- were you on this date
but leonard
idk
i feel some kinda way about him
it's weird
now mila
she seems nice
and she's very pretty
but
charlotte
was the connection there
but they had chemistry, for sure
so fun
but
the way they are defining themselves
reminds me of the way i tried to define myself for you
which i think you maybe didn't understand
i think you thought i was trying to tell you
that i was not a woman
and that was never what i was saying
if you watch this episode [6] i think you will understand
what i was doing
i can't describe it
but i guess i can recognize it when i see it
so maybe that'll make me make more sense, ya know
although
it's weird
because i haven't really dated girls either
and yet
that's just what i instictually know needs to happen
when charlotte says:
i embrace my femininity i just present very masculine
because it makes me feel more confident
like if i'm too girly i feel awkward
i said aloud YES
although
i wouldn't say i present very masculine
i would not say that
but i would say i present as
maybe tonally androgynous
or maybe normatively informed by the masculine
but these are things i'm coming up with now to try to describe
the thing
that really
is best summed up by:
because it makes me feel more confident
like if i'm too girly i feel awkward
i don't think stem covers it
i'm not butch
but
i find the butch aesthetic does inform
some of my outlook
but
mostly
feel more confident
like if i'm too girly i feel awkward
there's a way in which i want to be charlotte
but
although i'm attracted to her in some ways
not the ways that would count
i'm actually more attracted to lex
although
that doesn't work
it's more to do with
his facial expressions
and the way his brain works
although, i mean, i like the look of him
but
i'm not thinking sexually at all
although
i guess imight work my way around to that
after i knew him for a while
which would not make me happy, ya know
but leonard
idk
am i looking at him sexually?
no
but
i'm not not
if that makes any sense
i don't think this show
is supposed to be that self-revelatory, ya know
maybe
this is not the kind of thing you want from me
or
maybe it's not what you want from me right now
maybe i've just confused you
or pissed you off
anyway
maybe this doesn't make any sense
or whatever
but
here's more information about me that you didn't have before
i think
Saturday, February 16, 2019
Friday, February 15, 2019
Thursday, February 14, 2019
Wednesday, February 13, 2019
so
i'm home sick
yesterday and today
although i was off today
so maybe it doesn't really count as a sick day
i don't know what's wrong with me
but
i suspect
hormones
and
depression
whatever
i'm in a serious FOG
and my head hurts really bad
my nose is intermittently just running like a fucking faucet
i was having an issue
for which i would normally just take several peptos and go in anyway
but
my guts hurt so bad
i was afraid keeping things in
might not be a good idea
see
is that any kind of normal sickness
no
it seems much more like hormones, doesn't it
i had a dream
that i thought might be a good sign
i was working
i'm not exactly sure where
but i just kinda wandered in
and said
i just remembered
i should take the deposit to the bank
there are thousands of dollars just sitting there
and outside
on a tree out front
there was a note about who the manager was
but it was like two ago
and a phone list
and i'm like
someone take this down
we don't want everyone's number just out here for everyone to see
not really sure what all that means
but there wasn't any stress
and i seemed in charge of things
i'm home sick
yesterday and today
although i was off today
so maybe it doesn't really count as a sick day
i don't know what's wrong with me
but
i suspect
hormones
and
depression
whatever
i'm in a serious FOG
and my head hurts really bad
my nose is intermittently just running like a fucking faucet
i was having an issue
for which i would normally just take several peptos and go in anyway
but
my guts hurt so bad
i was afraid keeping things in
might not be a good idea
see
is that any kind of normal sickness
no
it seems much more like hormones, doesn't it
i had a dream
that i thought might be a good sign
i was working
i'm not exactly sure where
but i just kinda wandered in
and said
i just remembered
i should take the deposit to the bank
there are thousands of dollars just sitting there
and outside
on a tree out front
there was a note about who the manager was
but it was like two ago
and a phone list
and i'm like
someone take this down
we don't want everyone's number just out here for everyone to see
not really sure what all that means
but there wasn't any stress
and i seemed in charge of things
Tuesday, February 12, 2019
Monday, February 11, 2019
dippin dye in high school
this is probably not the thing
but
i just had to write this first
i've been seeing all this black face news
which, at first i thought, that has to have been like the early 60s
but no
it was like when i was in high school
and i just cannot imagine what would have happened
if someone had shown up for halloween in black face
maybe they would have been expelled
or given detention
but
at the very least they would have been sent home with a good talking to
probably by mr anderson
the vice principal
who was black
and probably could have done a better job of driving home the point
idk
i literally cannot imagine it happening
the fact that it was glorified with a picture in a college year book
(i'm not sure i knew they even had college yearbooks)
blows my mind beyond beyond
but
i did go to school in purple face
actually
i really committed
i bathed in dr martin's dye
for the record, it turned out to be semi-permanent
so it was a pretty big commitment
i used makeup on my face, not dye, thankfully
but i can't remember exactly what i used
maybe cream eye shadow?
anyway
i wanted to dress up
i didn't have a specific thing in mind
dyeing myself seemed like fun
and i thought--
i'll be a venusian-- they're purple, right?!
or something like that
maybe the venusian idea was first
but
i suspect the dye was calling
now
no one was offended by my choices
but also no one understood, at all
i felt i was very much in an old school star trek vibe
but
at best others thought it was stupid
and at worst
the girl who came in a military jacket
with her face painted as a skull with grease paint
now
she absolutely didn't put more work into it
and her skin wasn't stained for three days until the repeated scrubbing
finally finally removed the dye
and
i mean death as war
wow, how original in 1982
but
whatever
she told me that (basically)
since i had not made my costume a statement
of my political (or i think by extension identity political) opinion in some way
i had FAILED in some very intrinsically
in my very being
and
she was embarrassed for me
wow, i said
i just hadn't really taken it all that seriously
she was a fascinating person
i think she started in media
and i was like
NO you seem like a theatre major
you should switch to theatre
[of course, it's possible that i'm getting that backward now
i'm not certain]
she did however switch majors
so
either i was not the only one who told her that
or
she really valued my opinion
which might explain the let down
but
she started going out in the evening
trying to pass for male
trying to pick up girls as a guy
i'm not sure how i know that
i don't remember
i know she said something
that was a great year of english
my theatre friend (and i didn't have many of those)
what was her name
she was from nyc and was always complaining that there was nothing to do here
she was in that class too
and
one day
she was practicing makeup for a domestic abuse character
and she wore it to class and did a whole scene with ms eichhorn
except ms eichhorn didn't know it was a scene
she was really shaken
and sent her to the nurse
i think we had a test that day
and she got to take it later or make it up, or something
what was her name
carla garcia, maybe?!
no! i remembered SANDRA HERNANDEZ
shit
maybe i'm goin senile
i just looked ms eichhorn up
looks like she's a therapist of some kind
probably doesn't trace back to that day, but
funny if it did
debbie had that class with me too
it was a huge class
ms eichhorn was
not exactly a hippy
she was a playwrite
she wore jeans
and shirts that belled slightly at the wrist
she was slim, but disproportionately hip-y
and her hair was the lankest bob there ever was
she had a style
and it was not appreciated among the student body
but
i liked it
i thought it worked for her
she was jewish, she mentioned
in what context originally i'm not sure
but
it was somehow related to her non-use of soap
which was what earned her debbie's undying hatred
now, she said
everyone is going to think jews are dirty
what the serious fuck is she talking about
that was one of debbie's catch phrases "what the serious fuck"
it was good
i still find myself saying it this much later
well, idk
this has gone on long enough
i might not have time for anything else
this might be the thing for tonight
we'll see
i might start something else
or
i might have to do it tomorrow
like
all sheherazade-y
but
i just had to write this first
i've been seeing all this black face news
which, at first i thought, that has to have been like the early 60s
but no
it was like when i was in high school
and i just cannot imagine what would have happened
if someone had shown up for halloween in black face
maybe they would have been expelled
or given detention
but
at the very least they would have been sent home with a good talking to
probably by mr anderson
the vice principal
who was black
and probably could have done a better job of driving home the point
idk
i literally cannot imagine it happening
the fact that it was glorified with a picture in a college year book
(i'm not sure i knew they even had college yearbooks)
blows my mind beyond beyond
but
i did go to school in purple face
actually
i really committed
i bathed in dr martin's dye
for the record, it turned out to be semi-permanent
so it was a pretty big commitment
i used makeup on my face, not dye, thankfully
but i can't remember exactly what i used
maybe cream eye shadow?
anyway
i wanted to dress up
i didn't have a specific thing in mind
dyeing myself seemed like fun
and i thought--
i'll be a venusian-- they're purple, right?!
or something like that
maybe the venusian idea was first
but
i suspect the dye was calling
now
no one was offended by my choices
but also no one understood, at all
i felt i was very much in an old school star trek vibe
but
at best others thought it was stupid
and at worst
the girl who came in a military jacket
with her face painted as a skull with grease paint
now
she absolutely didn't put more work into it
and her skin wasn't stained for three days until the repeated scrubbing
finally finally removed the dye
and
i mean death as war
wow, how original in 1982
but
whatever
she told me that (basically)
since i had not made my costume a statement
of my political (or i think by extension identity political) opinion in some way
i had FAILED in some very intrinsically
in my very being
and
she was embarrassed for me
wow, i said
i just hadn't really taken it all that seriously
she was a fascinating person
i think she started in media
and i was like
NO you seem like a theatre major
you should switch to theatre
[of course, it's possible that i'm getting that backward now
i'm not certain]
she did however switch majors
so
either i was not the only one who told her that
or
she really valued my opinion
which might explain the let down
but
she started going out in the evening
trying to pass for male
trying to pick up girls as a guy
i'm not sure how i know that
i don't remember
i know she said something
that was a great year of english
my theatre friend (and i didn't have many of those)
what was her name
she was from nyc and was always complaining that there was nothing to do here
she was in that class too
and
one day
she was practicing makeup for a domestic abuse character
and she wore it to class and did a whole scene with ms eichhorn
except ms eichhorn didn't know it was a scene
she was really shaken
and sent her to the nurse
i think we had a test that day
and she got to take it later or make it up, or something
what was her name
carla garcia, maybe?!
no! i remembered SANDRA HERNANDEZ
shit
maybe i'm goin senile
i just looked ms eichhorn up
looks like she's a therapist of some kind
probably doesn't trace back to that day, but
funny if it did
debbie had that class with me too
it was a huge class
ms eichhorn was
not exactly a hippy
she was a playwrite
she wore jeans
and shirts that belled slightly at the wrist
she was slim, but disproportionately hip-y
and her hair was the lankest bob there ever was
she had a style
and it was not appreciated among the student body
but
i liked it
i thought it worked for her
she was jewish, she mentioned
in what context originally i'm not sure
but
it was somehow related to her non-use of soap
which was what earned her debbie's undying hatred
now, she said
everyone is going to think jews are dirty
what the serious fuck is she talking about
that was one of debbie's catch phrases "what the serious fuck"
it was good
i still find myself saying it this much later
well, idk
this has gone on long enough
i might not have time for anything else
this might be the thing for tonight
we'll see
i might start something else
or
i might have to do it tomorrow
like
all sheherazade-y
ok
maybe you're trying to get me to write
I forgot I was writing
I will write something tonight
but
it might not be the book
it might just be
whatever I think up today
which I guess could be the book without my knowing it
I think I was just in a grieving thing
and
I probably am depressed
good morning sweetheart
so
I woke up at 9-something to pee
and then I slept through until my alarm
which I had set for 5
but then I snoozed
Kitty did not like that
he complained
I had fed him when I got up
but
that's still a long time for kitties
I reset it for 6
but
Kitty only let me sleep until 6:45
at which point
he started threatening destruction
so I've been up a little over half an hour
and
I'm seriously considering
going back to bed
for even a half hour
is this sickness or depression
or weather fatigue
idk
I just feel like crap
good morning sweetheart
I love you
Sunday, February 10, 2019
Saturday, February 9, 2019
I just ordered my first ever door dash
food is available to me
for the first time
with an app
I ordered blaze pizza
so I guess we're gonna find out
in an hour
if it's good
I ordered
pesto garlic sauce
goat, gorgonzola, Olivette mozzarella, shredded mozzarella
kalamata olives, basil, red onion, green pepper, roasted peppers, mushrooms, cherry tomatoes, roasted garlic, something else I can't remember
plus
buffalo sauce, ranch, and olive oil drizzles
and
a Greek salad
so
there's that
Friday, February 8, 2019
Monday, February 4, 2019
Where I was going with koans
My thinking was
I write these things
that I've come to realize
other people don't see as complete
but
they are kinda like koans
I think
so
I was thinking
koan
meditation on koan
as format for book
which is a variation on
the last idea I had for our book
which was more of a micro whatever
not a koan
but
then
of course
all the koans
seemed to be telling me things
I didn't want to hear
and now
all I keep have running through my head
is the premonition about dying alone in the desert
Sunday, February 3, 2019
Wednesday, January 30, 2019
if you believe we put a man on the moon
i've been thinking today
about listening to voicemails from HS
talking about how bad unionization was
how we should know
that
if
we unionized
we would have fewer benefits and
things would be so much worse for us
and that we should do anything in our power
to stop fellow "partners" from going that direction
now
in texas
they weren't trying to unionize us
but
seriously
how does that even make sense
also
there were lawsuits
because they expected managers and assistant managers
to work more than 40 hours
but our hours were classified as regular coverage hours
like
8 hours a week were "manager work"
the other 32 were working barista work
and then
you just work however much you need
to do all the rest of your manager work
managers couldn't take vacation
so it was building up
so they changed it
it was then "granted" instead of earned
and
if you couldn't take it
at the end of the year
you just lost it
when i left
i had 4 1/2 weeks of vacation a year
and i mostly used it to make my labor even out
or to work on p&l reviews
or to have an extra day off here and there
so i'd work closer to 40 hours a week
but in the leadership conferences
he'd have the whole place sobbing
he can manipulate people for sure
and
i mean
it's not like he's a "bad guy" as such
but he's not really a good guy either
he joined that company that was already established
he didn't found it
then he wanted to change it
and they didn't want to change
he convinced them to let him try his "third place" model
and they did
and
they didn't want to expand it
so
he went and got a bunch of backers
and bought em out
he's not a genius
he doesn't have a heart of gold
and
quite frankly
i might have fallen for that center-ist third party talk
i've been disenchanted with the democrats for a long time
but
shit man
now
now they are waking up
and finally starting to sound like democrats again
i would vote for aoc
i know that's crazy
she has very little experience yet
and she's too young
but she is saying the right stuff
and she is
amazing
i might start saying i'm a democrat again
maybe
because of her
she's not a fucking "socialist"
not like they are making it sound
they keep saying it, you notice, like as though
she's an aberrant third party straggler who wandered in looking for the pink-o lounge
but no
that is what a DEMOCRAT once looked like
before reagan came and fucked this nation up
ok
maybe that was overly histrionic
and, perhaps not completely historically accurate
but
that was my experience of it
i became politically aware (somewhat)
during the 70s
Vietnam and Watergate
Roe v Wade and Women's Liberation
Carter and Middle East Peace
INVESTIGATIVE JOURNALISM
before texas went red
remember tip o'neill
i'm not saying all of these things were uncategorically good
or good by today's standards
but
that trickle down shit was bullshit from the start
we've known it for at least 30 years
de-regulation
also very very bad
and
now
all the infrastructure is shot
we could really use a WPA
i can't take credit for this next idea
it was developed over long talks
but
what if:
we gave people FREE college
and
to earn the free college
they worked in a sort of civic service
for a year or two
there's all sorts of things
they could contribute to the greater society
where they could
meet people with differing views
learn some skills in a field that they might have an aptitude for
get some on the ground experience
before they committed themselves to the education
they could get a little older
a little more perspective
and
i'm not sayin don't pay em
i'm sayin
culturally invest in them
don't tell people that the way to get college is only
the military
or some crazy giant mortgage where they gotta live in a van
this
what we're doing now
this is some crazy
not working shit
and
the WPA was awesome
i mean
it's like 3 1/2 trillion dollars of debt now, right?
so
fuck it
rather than giving the rich people all their money back
let's double down on the hope for a future
we sent a man to the moon, right?
about listening to voicemails from HS
talking about how bad unionization was
how we should know
that
if
we unionized
we would have fewer benefits and
things would be so much worse for us
and that we should do anything in our power
to stop fellow "partners" from going that direction
now
in texas
they weren't trying to unionize us
but
seriously
how does that even make sense
also
there were lawsuits
because they expected managers and assistant managers
to work more than 40 hours
but our hours were classified as regular coverage hours
like
8 hours a week were "manager work"
the other 32 were working barista work
and then
you just work however much you need
to do all the rest of your manager work
managers couldn't take vacation
so it was building up
so they changed it
it was then "granted" instead of earned
and
if you couldn't take it
at the end of the year
you just lost it
when i left
i had 4 1/2 weeks of vacation a year
and i mostly used it to make my labor even out
or to work on p&l reviews
or to have an extra day off here and there
so i'd work closer to 40 hours a week
but in the leadership conferences
he'd have the whole place sobbing
he can manipulate people for sure
and
i mean
it's not like he's a "bad guy" as such
but he's not really a good guy either
he joined that company that was already established
he didn't found it
then he wanted to change it
and they didn't want to change
he convinced them to let him try his "third place" model
and they did
and
they didn't want to expand it
so
he went and got a bunch of backers
and bought em out
he's not a genius
he doesn't have a heart of gold
and
quite frankly
i might have fallen for that center-ist third party talk
i've been disenchanted with the democrats for a long time
but
shit man
now
now they are waking up
and finally starting to sound like democrats again
i would vote for aoc
i know that's crazy
she has very little experience yet
and she's too young
but she is saying the right stuff
and she is
amazing
i might start saying i'm a democrat again
maybe
because of her
she's not a fucking "socialist"
not like they are making it sound
they keep saying it, you notice, like as though
she's an aberrant third party straggler who wandered in looking for the pink-o lounge
but no
that is what a DEMOCRAT once looked like
before reagan came and fucked this nation up
ok
maybe that was overly histrionic
and, perhaps not completely historically accurate
but
that was my experience of it
i became politically aware (somewhat)
during the 70s
Vietnam and Watergate
Roe v Wade and Women's Liberation
Carter and Middle East Peace
INVESTIGATIVE JOURNALISM
before texas went red
remember tip o'neill
i'm not saying all of these things were uncategorically good
or good by today's standards
but
that trickle down shit was bullshit from the start
we've known it for at least 30 years
de-regulation
also very very bad
and
now
all the infrastructure is shot
we could really use a WPA
i can't take credit for this next idea
it was developed over long talks
but
what if:
we gave people FREE college
and
to earn the free college
they worked in a sort of civic service
for a year or two
there's all sorts of things
they could contribute to the greater society
where they could
meet people with differing views
learn some skills in a field that they might have an aptitude for
get some on the ground experience
before they committed themselves to the education
they could get a little older
a little more perspective
and
i'm not sayin don't pay em
i'm sayin
culturally invest in them
don't tell people that the way to get college is only
the military
or some crazy giant mortgage where they gotta live in a van
this
what we're doing now
this is some crazy
not working shit
and
the WPA was awesome
i mean
it's like 3 1/2 trillion dollars of debt now, right?
so
fuck it
rather than giving the rich people all their money back
let's double down on the hope for a future
we sent a man to the moon, right?
Tuesday, January 29, 2019
Monday, January 28, 2019
Ok, i'm letting you know now
I have to go in early for a promo change tomorrow
so
I'm probably going to bed
not that long after I get home
and
so I'm not sure how much I'll be writing today
I feel like I'm already getting behind
on sleep
good morning sweetheart
I love you very much
p.s. I am going to write some actual writing soon, I promise
Sunday, January 27, 2019
Free Association List 01/27/19 (this is really more like book notes)
(from Memes to Movements)
Know Your Meme (website)
Pluralistic Ignorance-- Synchronization of Opinion-- Narrative Change
Hegemonic Media Environments-- Creative Networking-- Inserts Alternate Narratives
(PRE) Rainbow Flag --. (POST) NO H8
and
back the other way
Memes-- Physical Memes--Performative Memes
maybe becomes circular loop
Memes as intersection between InJoke and Political Dissent (China GrassMudHorse)
Friday, January 25, 2019
Free Association List 01/25/19
what is the deep state?
if something like 30 people have had security clearance fails over-ridden what is the likelihood that our nation's security has been seriously compromised?
Edward VIII and the Nazis
Fantasyland how America went Haywire
if something like 30 people have had security clearance fails over-ridden what is the likelihood that our nation's security has been seriously compromised?
Edward VIII and the Nazis
Fantasyland how America went Haywire
Thursday, January 24, 2019
what i need to write [idk why] are snow memories
well
nothing about any of that
what keeps running through my head
is
snow
driving across country to see you
snow
driving in the tire tracks of eighteen wheelers
because the highway seemed icy except in the slightly warmer bits
where their tires had been seemed wet
not frozen over
i wanted to get off the road
but
it was too much snow everywhere
i was cold
and i was worried about running out of gas
although i wasn't low yet
but i couldn't drive fast
i thought i was going slow enough
but
man how will i ever get to someplace i can stop for the night
and then
the car ahead of me
just spun out
plopping into the space between the east and west bound lanes
lucky that was open, i guess, since it was the 10
and
i freaked out a little
and slowed down even more
it just now occurs to me that
maybe
i should have tried to call someone
but
i was driving
and i really couldn't
when i got to el paso
things were warmer, i guess
because i was able to pull off the highway
and stop at a hotel
maybe it was a la quinta
and i don't usually stop there
but i was so glad to be off the road
i had really not been sure i would make it out alive
which sounds dramatic
but
i was pretty scared
and then
another time
when i was driving to vegas to work
and i had the computers in the trunk
i had rented a more luxurious car-- full sized, pontiac G6 is that a thing
and i was in sedona
i had wanted to go to sedona
i was in a little shop
and the person working there was like
there's a storm coming, you should get on the road
but
then she was telling me
to take some alternate road because it was clear
so i'm driving round the mountain
and there's snow on the ground
and i'm thinkin about the car spinning off the road
from the previous snow episode
and the mountain roads are narrow
and there is no railing
just me
and the deserted road
and spinning off the side of the mountain, possibly
and the car dash is flashing "low traction" warnings at me
and the snow is coming down thicker and faster
and
i'm sure that time that i'm gonna die
pretty sure
but
i can't pull off
there is no off
i just gotta go through until there's somewhere
and
finally
in flagstaff
the snow is so heavy i can hardly see
and i'm freaking out proper
but all in my head
i am probably looking cool as a cucumber on the outside
because i am laser focused
something
there has got to be something
and there was
it was a big big hotel
and fancier than i'd normally stop at
but
i mean
i had a credit card
and it just didn't matter
it was that or death
and
it turned out it wasn't that bad
and
it let up a little
and there was a del taco by the hotel
and it was open
so i guess the storm wasn't really even there yet
although it seemed like it
but the walk to del taco was a winter wonderland
and i got a big drink
and something
i can't remember
and then
i went to the room
and i opened the curtains
and watched the snow
and wrote to you
i thought i wrote you a bunch of stuff
but i remember writing this
which isn't even good
i guess i got better in ten years
that was december 6th 2009
and it may have been that night, or the next morning
i remember writing something about dreaming i was a trucker
but
i know i wrote that monkey tail thing
because later i looked it up in urban dictionary
and i was embarrassed
because that means something i didn't mean
but i didn't delete it
but
i can remember all of that so clearly
the tension in my body, driving
the fear of crashing the car and dying alone of exposure
and you would never know what happened to me
you'd just go on with life
think i got bored with it
and moved on
and
the next day
i had to get back on the road
because the computers had to get there, ya know
and the roads were not even open at first
and
when they were-- it was bad
icy and rough
plowed and re-icing
i don't even know the terminology for snow stuff
it was bad
but only for a few hours
by the time i got to the nevada border it was considerably warmer
and
by the time i got to the hoover dam
i was euphoric
that dam was the most amazing thing i've ever seen in my life
so beautiful
imbued with life-giving power
i had not died
i had beaten death
twice, actually
and i was flying on some pretty intense personal chemistry
i don't think it could have been more intense
if it had actually been drug induced
i had really really not believed i would get through it
i'd been less concerned about dying
but
i really thought i would not make it through
the freeway would be closed
or i would crash the car
it had been intense
and i was through it
i love you beautiful hoover dam
i really don't normally think i approve of damming
but
i guess i must
because i would not want for you not to exist
oh beautiful beautiful wonder of man over nature
and then
i drove on into las vegas
and there was a billboard
that said something profound
[i can't remember what]
and it was a message from god somehow
and the sun was setting
i was so very
alive
nothing about any of that
what keeps running through my head
is
snow
driving across country to see you
snow
driving in the tire tracks of eighteen wheelers
because the highway seemed icy except in the slightly warmer bits
where their tires had been seemed wet
not frozen over
i wanted to get off the road
but
it was too much snow everywhere
i was cold
and i was worried about running out of gas
although i wasn't low yet
but i couldn't drive fast
i thought i was going slow enough
but
man how will i ever get to someplace i can stop for the night
and then
the car ahead of me
just spun out
plopping into the space between the east and west bound lanes
lucky that was open, i guess, since it was the 10
and
i freaked out a little
and slowed down even more
it just now occurs to me that
maybe
i should have tried to call someone
but
i was driving
and i really couldn't
when i got to el paso
things were warmer, i guess
because i was able to pull off the highway
and stop at a hotel
maybe it was a la quinta
and i don't usually stop there
but i was so glad to be off the road
i had really not been sure i would make it out alive
which sounds dramatic
but
i was pretty scared
and then
another time
when i was driving to vegas to work
and i had the computers in the trunk
i had rented a more luxurious car-- full sized, pontiac G6 is that a thing
and i was in sedona
i had wanted to go to sedona
i was in a little shop
and the person working there was like
there's a storm coming, you should get on the road
but
then she was telling me
to take some alternate road because it was clear
so i'm driving round the mountain
and there's snow on the ground
and i'm thinkin about the car spinning off the road
from the previous snow episode
and the mountain roads are narrow
and there is no railing
just me
and the deserted road
and spinning off the side of the mountain, possibly
and the car dash is flashing "low traction" warnings at me
and the snow is coming down thicker and faster
and
i'm sure that time that i'm gonna die
pretty sure
but
i can't pull off
there is no off
i just gotta go through until there's somewhere
and
finally
in flagstaff
the snow is so heavy i can hardly see
and i'm freaking out proper
but all in my head
i am probably looking cool as a cucumber on the outside
because i am laser focused
something
there has got to be something
and there was
it was a big big hotel
and fancier than i'd normally stop at
but
i mean
i had a credit card
and it just didn't matter
it was that or death
and
it turned out it wasn't that bad
and
it let up a little
and there was a del taco by the hotel
and it was open
so i guess the storm wasn't really even there yet
although it seemed like it
but the walk to del taco was a winter wonderland
and i got a big drink
and something
i can't remember
and then
i went to the room
and i opened the curtains
and watched the snow
and wrote to you
i thought i wrote you a bunch of stuff
but i remember writing this
which isn't even good
i guess i got better in ten years
that was december 6th 2009
and it may have been that night, or the next morning
i remember writing something about dreaming i was a trucker
but
i know i wrote that monkey tail thing
because later i looked it up in urban dictionary
and i was embarrassed
because that means something i didn't mean
but i didn't delete it
but
i can remember all of that so clearly
the tension in my body, driving
the fear of crashing the car and dying alone of exposure
and you would never know what happened to me
you'd just go on with life
think i got bored with it
and moved on
and
the next day
i had to get back on the road
because the computers had to get there, ya know
and the roads were not even open at first
and
when they were-- it was bad
icy and rough
plowed and re-icing
i don't even know the terminology for snow stuff
it was bad
but only for a few hours
by the time i got to the nevada border it was considerably warmer
and
by the time i got to the hoover dam
i was euphoric
that dam was the most amazing thing i've ever seen in my life
so beautiful
imbued with life-giving power
i had not died
i had beaten death
twice, actually
and i was flying on some pretty intense personal chemistry
i don't think it could have been more intense
if it had actually been drug induced
i had really really not believed i would get through it
i'd been less concerned about dying
but
i really thought i would not make it through
the freeway would be closed
or i would crash the car
it had been intense
and i was through it
i love you beautiful hoover dam
i really don't normally think i approve of damming
but
i guess i must
because i would not want for you not to exist
oh beautiful beautiful wonder of man over nature
and then
i drove on into las vegas
and there was a billboard
that said something profound
[i can't remember what]
and it was a message from god somehow
and the sun was setting
i was so very
alive
Free Association List 01/24/19 [edited]
what is galaxy brain
why a trans-ban? don't ask don't tell vs. Truman-- moral questions of inclusivity in the military
i need to pay to get full access to washington post and paris review
washington post has been my favorite newspaper since i went on a trip to d.c. to see georgia o'keefe with my mom and there was a word i didn't know in the piece i was reading at breakfast
placeholder for the thing i was thinking 'you've really gotta write that down' 'why, it isn't current' 'no but you're thinking about it so it's pertinent'-- which i now cannot remember
hunt for orange october
spy in the house of love-- trump as russian asset-- he didn't think he would win, maybe was (in addition to playing with the alt-right to set up media empire) trying to close russian real estate deal and got hoodwinked into being russian puppet
someone described the wall as a series of burning crosses stretching along the border
the wall as symbol in campaign, wasn't quite the immediate security crisis last year. motivations for the shutdown, unstated possibilities
why a trans-ban? don't ask don't tell vs. Truman-- moral questions of inclusivity in the military
i need to pay to get full access to washington post and paris review
washington post has been my favorite newspaper since i went on a trip to d.c. to see georgia o'keefe with my mom and there was a word i didn't know in the piece i was reading at breakfast
placeholder for the thing i was thinking 'you've really gotta write that down' 'why, it isn't current' 'no but you're thinking about it so it's pertinent'-- which i now cannot remember
hunt for orange october
spy in the house of love-- trump as russian asset-- he didn't think he would win, maybe was (in addition to playing with the alt-right to set up media empire) trying to close russian real estate deal and got hoodwinked into being russian puppet
someone described the wall as a series of burning crosses stretching along the border
the wall as symbol in campaign, wasn't quite the immediate security crisis last year. motivations for the shutdown, unstated possibilities
- to look tough for his base-- in which case why isn't he declaring emergency and using DOD $ to fund thewall
- to distract from the muller investigation (which seemed to be snowballing)
- to impede the FBI investigation (federal workers)
- to destabilize the government-- why is that desirable?
- why would russia want to u.s. destabilized at this time?
Wednesday, January 23, 2019
i just had a thought that alarmed me and i want to clear something up
one of the things i really like about my communication style with you
is that there can be multiple readings of things
so often i'm like
hey
that could mean that too
i didn't think of that
cool
but
when i say:
you are a beautiful man
and i love you very much
let's leave it at that
i very much mean
my feelings about you
and our relationship
exclusively
however
when i thought about possible readings of this
it occurred to me
you might take it to mean
no comment
on things you are looking for reinforcement for
and
that possibility had not occurred to me before
so
let me say
you are amazing
you have people more qualified than me to tell you
but
it's always been about the words and energy and
and you are so genius funny
"serviceable"
is too self deprecating
but i don't disagree in principle, ya know
on many levels
better than the past
and
it's early
you are unstoppable, ok
i'm very proud of you
please don't let my issues
make you feel like i think you are any less amazing
at what you do, understand
you are one of a kind
full stop
no debate
is that there can be multiple readings of things
so often i'm like
hey
that could mean that too
i didn't think of that
cool
but
when i say:
you are a beautiful man
and i love you very much
let's leave it at that
i very much mean
my feelings about you
and our relationship
exclusively
however
when i thought about possible readings of this
it occurred to me
you might take it to mean
no comment
on things you are looking for reinforcement for
and
that possibility had not occurred to me before
so
let me say
you are amazing
you have people more qualified than me to tell you
but
it's always been about the words and energy and
and you are so genius funny
"serviceable"
is too self deprecating
but i don't disagree in principle, ya know
on many levels
better than the past
and
it's early
you are unstoppable, ok
i'm very proud of you
please don't let my issues
make you feel like i think you are any less amazing
at what you do, understand
you are one of a kind
full stop
no debate
free association list 01/23/19
they offered him a golden toilet
marmalade menace
covington cath kid/kavanagh smirk micro-expression trigger
externalized "spell"-like force swirling around the air invading people's minds bringing out latent racism [magical realism element]
mauerspringer der mauerspringer by peter schneider (re-read in english)
(can't find book) border us army stood at the border acting threatening until someone fired-- started war to steal all mexican territory-- engineered land grab-- agressive manifest destiny
value of WPA vs. 800,000 workers working without pay + furloughs=no back pay
perspective-- ozymandias vs puppet [to the russians, to the alt-right talking heads]
social media explosion, news media overcorrection: facts(?) as popularity contest
point/counterpoint-- "jane, you ignorant slut" [snl]
components of candidate likeability related to gender performance
nathan phillips - "i felt like the spirit was talking through me"
marmalade menace
covington cath kid/kavanagh smirk micro-expression trigger
externalized "spell"-like force swirling around the air invading people's minds bringing out latent racism [magical realism element]
mauerspringer der mauerspringer by peter schneider (re-read in english)
(can't find book) border us army stood at the border acting threatening until someone fired-- started war to steal all mexican territory-- engineered land grab-- agressive manifest destiny
value of WPA vs. 800,000 workers working without pay + furloughs=no back pay
perspective-- ozymandias vs puppet [to the russians, to the alt-right talking heads]
social media explosion, news media overcorrection: facts(?) as popularity contest
point/counterpoint-- "jane, you ignorant slut" [snl]
components of candidate likeability related to gender performance
nathan phillips - "i felt like the spirit was talking through me"
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