pluck

ok
i wanna tell you this
i feel like it's anti-sexy
so i probably shouldn't tell you
but
i don't seem to be able to stop myself

when i saw you last
i did not shave my legs
i have not shaved my legs for like
twenty years
and now
i have various leg "issues" which would make it
harder for me
besides
i wear bi-focals
and i can't really see

whatever
i didn't
however
i did shave my arm pits
and

i waxed my face

well
not really wax i think
that "nad's" stuff--  sticky vegetal gel
because
i looked at myself
and i said
this is not good enough
i'm not going to see him with all this facial hair

it worked really well
i was very happy with it
and it lasted a while too

however
it did not last forever
and
it now seems worse
and i've had really a lot of breakouts on my chin
and i pick at them
so
my skin has been actively sore
normally
i pluck facial hair almost constantly
but
the stuff that grows on my chin
isn't hair
it's whiskers
and
even under the best of circumstances
it hurts a lot to pluck it
but for the last almost month
i'm just like
no
i can't

and i won't shave
i just won't
it's too far
i'm not a man
i know women shave their faces
they even (some of them) talk about it
but i just can not bring myself to do it


so
for the last couple weeks
i've been going to work
really expecting someone to say something
bearded lady, much
even though
seriously
it's white or very pale blonde
it's only noticeable, really, if the light hits it just right
at which point
it looks
honestly
more like some alien thing than a beard

but
i cannot tell you how much i hate it
and
i'm just owning it
because
owwwww
ya know

and
nobody would say anything
and maybe they haven't noticed

and
i dropped my tweezers
that i keep always by my side
accidentally somewhere under my chair
and i didn't even crawl around on my belly like a reptile

i just
on the way home
stopped at cvs
and bought a new tweezer and a box of sally hansen cold wax strips
(they didn't have the nad's)
because i have been using a new thing
that has almost cleared up my face [zinc pca, i think]
and i'm going to remove hair

one day
and i may regret it when i do
i'm going to buy one of those facial planing tools
and just shave that way
the girl-y way
because
for some reason
that
is a place
i draw the line