i hope you're having fun sweetheart

i don't know if you watched those shows or not
and
if you did
maybe you liked em
or maybe you didn't

apparently dating shows are popular
and i don't know if they are talking about like
the bachelor
or whatever

i've watched part of an episode of that
and
i didn't care for it
but

watching this
i realize
though i'm pretty sure i've told you
that i haven't really dated
i think
you probably don't believe me
but
this show
it was pretty mind blowing for me
just watching the way these people interact

i really like lex
and leonard
and mila

like i want more of their stories

leonard and mila
they picked the ones i wanted them to pick
but lex
i was kinda routing for the football guy
although, watching it again, i realize
they didn't really fit

and
cory
i think either he's lying about not looking him up
or else
he just didn't want to
so he told himself he couldn't because he didn't know his last name

because i
with my stalker-y skill
looked lex up--  lex, stage design, nyc
and he came up, instantly--  lex liang

i like lex
lex is my imaginary friend
like
we meet once a week for drinks and catch up
well, realistically,more like a couple times a month
at a club
where he's also catching up with other people he knows
and suddenly
i have an imaginary "scene"
where i'm rubbing elbows with theater people and drag queens
whatever
i just want to talk to him
he is like zen intense
and smart/ass
i very rarely have any desire to interact with people


leonard
i gotta admit
is so lovely
and
i don't know if he and dianne are perfect for each other
or if they are both just gentle souls
but
i mean
he couldn't really pick any of the others

that one woman--  the upper west side one
was probably the worst
she was hard to watch even
so so [what i read as] fake
[though maybe not, idk, but just no]
and then the fashionista
she was like fun, but not to have a relationship with
i love the way she talks
i was a little afraid i'm a little like her
but
really, i think that was more when i was young
kinda dramatic

and then the cell phone one
she was trouble

and francine was a hoot
but
again not to be in a relationship with, maybe
or maybe it's too early to tell

but
i kind of love him
and when he turns to the camera and says:  i hate this shit
i know exactly what he means
they were just so obviously not right
and yet she made him tell her
like painfully
so, she says, i'm not your type
like it's about how she looks
when
she wants to do nthings he doesn't like to do
and their social politeness rules/ethical mores don't match
you just want to say
shit woman--  were you on this date

but leonard
idk
i feel some kinda way about him
it's weird


now mila
she seems nice
and she's very pretty
but
charlotte
was the connection there
but they had chemistry, for sure
so fun
but
the way they are defining themselves
reminds me of the way i tried to define myself for you
which i think you maybe didn't understand
i think you thought i was trying to tell you
that i was not a woman
and that was never what i was saying

if you watch this episode [6] i think you will understand
what i was doing
i can't describe it
but i guess i can recognize it when i see it
so maybe that'll make me make more sense, ya know

although
it's weird
because i haven't really dated girls either
and yet
that's just what i instictually know needs to happen

when charlotte says:
i embrace my femininity i just present very masculine
because it makes me feel more confident
like if i'm too girly i feel awkward

i said aloud YES
although
i wouldn't say i present very masculine 
i would not say that
but i would say i present as
maybe tonally androgynous
or maybe normatively informed by the masculine
but these are things i'm coming up with now to try to describe
the thing
that really
is best summed up by:

because it makes me feel more confident
like if i'm too girly i feel awkward

i don't think stem covers it
i'm not butch
but
i find the butch aesthetic does inform
some of my outlook
but
mostly
feel more confident
like if i'm too girly i feel awkward

there's a way in which i want to be charlotte
but
although i'm attracted to her in some ways
not the ways that would count

i'm actually more attracted to lex
although
that doesn't work
it's more to do with
his facial expressions
and the way his brain works

although, i mean, i like the look of him
but
i'm not thinking sexually at all
although
i guess imight work my way around to that
after i knew him for a while
which would not make me happy, ya know


but leonard
idk
am i looking at him sexually?
no
but
i'm not not
if that makes any sense


i don't think this show
is supposed to be that self-revelatory, ya know


maybe
this is not the kind of thing you want from me
or
maybe it's not what you want from me right now
maybe i've just confused you
or pissed you off

anyway
maybe this doesn't make any sense
or whatever
but
here's more information about me that you didn't have before
i think