what i need to write [idk why] are snow memories

well
nothing about any of that
what keeps running through my head
is
snow

driving across country to see you
snow
driving in the tire tracks of eighteen wheelers
because the highway seemed icy except in the slightly warmer bits
where their tires had been seemed wet
not frozen over
i wanted to get off the road
but
it was too much snow everywhere
i was cold
and i was worried about running out of gas
although i wasn't low yet
but i couldn't drive fast
i thought i was going slow enough
but
man how will i ever get to someplace i can stop for the night
and then
the car ahead of me
just spun out
plopping into the space between the east and west bound lanes
lucky that was open, i guess, since it was the 10
and
i freaked out a little
and slowed down even more
it just now occurs to me that
maybe
i should have tried to call someone
but
i was driving
and i really couldn't
when i got to el paso
things were warmer, i guess
because i was able to pull off the highway
and stop at a hotel
maybe it was a la quinta
and i don't usually stop there
but i was so glad to be off the road
i had really not been sure i would make it out alive
which sounds dramatic
but
i was pretty scared


and then
another time
when i was driving to vegas to work
and i had the computers in the trunk
i had rented a more luxurious car--  full sized, pontiac G6 is that a thing
and i was in sedona
i had wanted to go to sedona
i was in a little shop
and the person working there was like
there's a storm coming, you should get on the road
but
then she was telling me
to take some alternate road because it was clear
so i'm driving round the mountain
and there's snow on the ground
and i'm thinkin about the car spinning off the road
from the previous snow episode
and the mountain roads are narrow
and there is no railing
just me
and the deserted road
and spinning off the side of the mountain, possibly
and the car dash is flashing "low traction" warnings at me
and the snow is coming down thicker and faster
and
i'm sure that time that i'm gonna die
pretty sure
but
i can't pull off
there is no off
i just gotta go through until there's somewhere
and
finally
in flagstaff
the snow is so heavy i can hardly see
and i'm freaking out proper
but all in my head
i am probably looking cool as a cucumber on the outside
because i am laser focused
something
there has got to be something
and there was
it was a big big hotel
and fancier than i'd normally stop at
but
i mean
i had a credit card
and it just didn't matter
it was that or death
and
it turned out it wasn't that bad
and
it let up a little
and there was a del taco by the hotel
and it was open
so i guess the storm wasn't really even there yet
although it seemed like it
but the walk to del taco was a winter wonderland
and i got a big drink
and something
i can't remember
and then
i went to the room
and i opened the curtains
and watched the snow
and wrote to you
i thought i wrote you a bunch of stuff
but i remember writing this

which isn't even good
i guess i got better in ten years
that was december 6th 2009
and it may have been that night, or the next morning
i remember writing something about dreaming i was a trucker
but
i know i wrote that monkey tail thing
because later i looked it up in urban dictionary
and i was embarrassed
because that means something i didn't mean
but i didn't delete it
but
i can remember all of that so clearly
the tension in my body, driving
the fear of crashing the car and dying alone of exposure
and you would never know what happened to me
you'd just go on with life
think i got bored with it
and moved on

and
the next day
i had to get back on the road
because the computers had to get there, ya know
and the roads were not even open at first
and
when they were--  it was bad
icy and rough
plowed and re-icing
i don't even know the terminology for snow stuff
it was bad
but only for a few hours
by the time i got to the nevada border it was considerably warmer
and
by the time i got to the hoover dam
i was euphoric
that dam was the most amazing thing i've ever seen in my life
so beautiful
imbued with life-giving power
i had not died
i had beaten death
twice, actually
and i was flying on some pretty intense personal chemistry
i don't think it could have been more intense
if it had actually been drug induced

i had really really not believed i would get through it
i'd been less concerned about dying
but
i really thought i would not make it through
the freeway would be closed
or i would crash the car
it had been intense
and i was through it

i love you beautiful hoover dam
i really don't normally think i approve of damming
but
i guess i must
because i would not want for you not to exist
oh beautiful beautiful wonder of man over nature
and then
i drove on into las vegas
and there was a billboard
that said something profound
[i can't remember what]
and it was a message from god somehow
and the sun was setting

i was so very
alive