I think
generally
I have problems connecting with people
in a permanent like meaningful way

I don't really remember my mother
from when I was little

and then there was that thing where my father
kidnapped me
wouldn't let anybody see me
because I had to get used to Deborah

I did kindergarten
and then two different first grades
I think
I just decided
internally
that people weren't meant to be permanent

now
I mean my father was
but
I can't really go (right now) back into
the whole struggle with Deborah
and
when I went to live with my mom
they got rid of my stuff
and my room (it became a junk room)
and I had to sleep on the couch
on which Jason regularly peed
without even sheets or anything
ya know
because they didn't want me to come visit
I was 10
Jason was 5
so, I mean, it wasn't his fault
but
I don't remember those days fondly

and
I didn't have much of a relationship with Jason
subsequently
I saw him some
but not much
not regular

when I got into college
I tried to do more stuff with him
but
I had a finite amount of money
so I was usually using coupons
which he hated
and made me feel bad about
and then
I was never cool enough
or whatever

When he was in college
I was working and going to college
and then just working a lot
and
I saw him almost never
and it was never like
hey, I'm gonna be in town let's make plans
it was like hey
NOW I can see you, drop everything
which is what dad always did to me
and his girlfriend would look at me disapprovingly
like who the fuck even are you

and then I started working like 70hrs a week
and I couldn't make it a few times
and he stopped calling

and then he sent me a letter
check the box
I'm alive
I'm dead
or something smartass
and
I never sent it back

then
I'm not sure
until 2007/2008 Xmas season
I went there
and
it was unpleasant and awkward
and
I felt very judged
and
emotionally unsafe
and
I communicated a few times
but
we didn't seem to have much to talk about
and eventually I just didn't anymore

then
there was the whole Myspace wedding invitation
and
learning about dad
and not being able to deal with that
and you and your thing
and I just shut down
and I never tried again

I would run away from my mother too
if I could
it's like I can't be me
in proximity to people
who remind me
of the
poor white trash little
red headed step child

does that make any sense?

I'm triggered

so I'm bad
I'm evil
whatever