ok
on computer not phone
much easier
i can't find my notes on life in the time of grackles
it was last year
and it was just a sketch, anyway
but
it's meant to be about now
this time
the world as it is under the current bizarre political situation
but
i was writing it, sort of
and it struck me as a good idea

it's not meant to reflect on you or us or any of that

i just want to be clear
about that

i love you very much
and we have things we need to talk about
but
apparently only i need to talk about them
i got it

i'd like for my mother to be right about something
and what i want her to be right about
is that i can write literary fiction

this shit is happening all around
surely i can do something with it, right

support me in this, ok
please don't make me worry that you're going to take it
as some symbolic negative thing about you

maybe you aren't
maybe i'm totally projecting that idk
but
i have trouble writing long things
and
i think this is a novel
i really do

i just got really excited about it
and then
you had your party when i couldn't come
and it just sucked the will to write it out of me
and then
stuff happened
and i forgot about it

but all this stuff i'm reading on twitter
it's brought it back up


i have a lot of feels about you and me and history and future
and
i don't think it's good for me to talk about them
maybe you want me to
or maybe you don't idk

i want to try this
and
i haven't really got a clue how to do it
i don't think it's gonna write itself
so
what i thought i'd do
is just kinda write whatever comes up
try to do something each day
and see if a pattern shakes out

that first bit seemed like the beginning
that would interest me to read more if i was standing in a bookstore holding the book
but
this shit is going on now
the grackles are symbolic
but
they're kinda a mixed metaphor, ya know
which may not work
or it might be brilliant
do you see where i'm coming from??!!

it's not a symbol for you or me or us
i'm just not trying to make problems there, ok

you are a beautiful man
i love you
let's just stop there

this is a new game i wanna play
where rather than obsessing about you
i write something for you to read
but
instead of it being all about you or all about me
it's something else
a puzzle
a mysterious attempt
to make something
i can't do it without you
you wanna try being my muse for a while?

Good Morning

Sweetheart
I love you very much

Life in the Time of Grackles (a start)

It was at the Nature Discovery Center I found out they were grackles.  I'd always just called em blackbirds.  I was not sure until that moment that they weren't crows.

Yeah, they're junk birds.

Excuse me?

Junk birds.  They serve no purpose.

Nature Discovery.

They've pretty much supplanted the pigeons since I was a kid--  I can't tell you the last time I saw a pigeon.  Generally there are a few in the parking lot doing the job the pigeons used to do.  They clean up food scraps and whatnot.  In the winter, though, their numbers swell.  They cover the bare trees and telephone wires.  They can be agressive in numbers.  If they are filling a tree I personally give it a wide berth--  I've seen them dive bomb people.  Sometimes for some reason they will attack people who aren't even all that close.  Swooping in to bloody a head or two trying to enter a coffee shop.

Raspberries

I hadn't known I was allergic to them.

I'd had what you might call foreshadowing experiences.  In Camden Market I had been so charmed to find little baskets of them that I had bought one.  Rather expensive.  But I had had falafel too so when I found myself running back and forth to the less than charming public toilet I blamed falafel.  Plus I was distracted by Body Shop products.  Distracted and charmed by eye de-puffing gel and lip balm.  These things wouldn't hit America for a few years yet.

Then like fifteen years later I had a salad with fried bits of chicken on top and house made raspberry vinaigrette.  I'd had plenty of raspberry vinaigrette and it never caused me any concern before.  DSoo, as you may have guessed, I blamed the chicken.  In retrospect those others were bottled.  Cooked raspberries don't seem to be a problem.  And when do you see fresh raspberries?  I mean maybe you do.  You and your fancy life.  I'm not used to seeing more than three raw raspberries at a time and that more of a garnish.

So when I was in the little grocery store in Patagonia and saw the big big bag of frozen mixed raspberries and blackberries, well, I saw no obstacle.

Then on the last day I was sitting in the little three room guest house--  bedroom, bathroom, everything else room--  watching tennis.  I should say trying to watch tennis.  I don't really understand tennis.  Or maybe I do a little but not like something I really understand.  I was trying to absorb it because I liked a guy who was pretty into it.

Then I realized it was the last day.  Well, I mean, I had known that.  But as I started to think about cooking myself dinner, it came crashing down on me just how much food I had not eaten.  Some things were canned and could be taken.  Some things were perishables like milk and eggs.  Aside from making scrambled eggs there just wasn't much that could be done.

Then there was the giant bag of mixed raspberries and blackberries.  What on Earth had I been planning to do with that?!

It was frozen and unopened so maybe the landlord could have done something, used them somehow, but they were expensive and looked delicious.  No, I'm eating these!

I didn't thaw them even.  I just poured them into a bowl and started shoveling them in like a trigger food.

Then things get a little hazy.

I didn't feel too good.
How much later was that?  Not sure.
I decided to go on to bed.

The local radio station was on fire.  So I was listening to that in bed.  I kept having to run to the bathroom.  It was like the worst food poisoning you've ever had.  Competing orifices.  But really, it seemed more like just straight up poisoning.  All systems in my body screamed one setting:  PURGE!

The room started breathing.

The music on the radio was a pulsing channel to the far flung alternate dimensions of the universe.

It's a hard
It's a hard
It's a hard
It's a hard
It's a hard rain's gonna fall

goodnight sweetheart
I love you

good later than morning sweetheart
I love you very much
hope you are having a very good day

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

it's my birthday

i am irrationally giddy about that
i have stayed up late

i'm 52

i'm not sure if that's a good age or not
but
it doesn't really matter
because that's how old i am

goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much

I love you sweetheart
I went to the mall today
I haven't been to the mall
for a long long time
probably
whenever I mentioned it last
I had a really good time

I got a Starbucks
cold brew

I'm going to bed now
but first
I have realized I follow someone on social media
that I don't understand how I'm following

maybe I fell asleep and hit the button
I think that's what happened when I unfollowed  you
or
maybe when I was trying to find the beauty wolf
who I thought I'd followed
but
don't seem to be following
or
maybe he said something I liked at some point
idk
but
I can't quite bring myself to unfollow
because he's giving me a perspective
that I want to know
even though
now that I'm reading my feed
is
wiggin me out a little

anyway
back to regularly scheduled sleeping

good morning sweetheart

goodnight sweetheart
i love you
and
i hope everything is well with you

New Phone

Ok
this is officially
for the very first time
written with an app
all other times
when it was written on my phone
(most early morning, late night, or work posts
which means
quite a few)
we're written
on a tiny web browser page
copied to a tile on my start page

I'd blow it up to see it

I'm not sure
how I feel
about the differences yet

but
I like to have access to apps

but
whoa does Instagram have ads
I never had em before

I gotta go to bed
I'm pretty sure I made the right choice of phone

I went to pick
and I do research
but then
I get the one
that seems intuitive
and the V30 did not

I got the XL too
it seemed more comfortable

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

it's weird
the buttons
and navagation
I kinda think I liked the old way better
but
progress
ya know

ok

this is with the computer

wtf did i do that made random words underline

poop

that is the word that i wanted to use

i'm not sure when i used it last

i have like 8 apps and 2 widgets

i'm giddy

see

you didn't realize how not hip i've been livin

i had apps for a very few social media things

but

they stopped working like a year ago

and i had to work around with the pinned browzered tiles

and

i've totally missed snapchat

it's over

and i never got to do it

i wasn't that into it

but

i never even saw it

i need to find the next thing

and early adopt

also

the emojis are all yucky

i liked my old ones better

i still gotta figure out vlogging

so much catching up with the technology

and

i don't really get the assistant

why do people like that

i had it on my old phone

but

i never used it

i've watched some more mamet
but
i fell asleep in chair
goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much

mamet: surprising and inevitable


drama: comedy metaphor


the example he keeps going back to
why did the chicken cross the road
and
somehow
this clicks
it's not funny except by virtue
of conventional expectation
we expect something funny
but
we're given something true
and it's funny
because
of course
ya know


and
he was talking about
needing to cut your favorite scene
and having the movie be better for it
because it's too precious
and I get that


margaret atwood
she was talking about
being 200 pages into a book
having 8 characters
their whole back stories
and
having the story not work
having to put it in a drawer
too many variables
nothing happening


now
I am not certain that nothing happening
is that big a problem
but
it's gotta write itself in a way
if it's too difficult
it's maybe not the story to write now


mamet: drama is a gathering of the tribe


this
is maybe
a place to start thinking
differently
what is the journey
who are the tribe
who is their hero


good morning sweetheart
happy new year

good morning sweetheart
it's been a crazy morning already
hope yours is splendorific

I did a lot of laundry today
I feel like I haven't done more than
emergency laundry
for like two months
and
I'm not gonna lie
there's still laundry to be done
I've acquired more clothes
in the last couple of years
than I've probably ever had before
mostly thrifting
or sort of thrifting
eBay, poshmark
but
some clearance shopping too
I've been trying to figure out
what is my style now
and
I'm still not sure
but
probably
I'll have to sell
or trade
or donate
some of these clothes
if I can figure out who I am now
I feel like
my face looks fatter
but
some of these pants
seem too big
sloppy
and
they didn't seem that way when I got em
so
I'm not really sure what's going on


I love you sweetheart
I'm going to bed now


can you believe 2018 is almost over
24 months of Tr*~p
and none of that stuff happened
but some other stuff has
(sorry, I don't want to have people find this with his name-- not trying to get that)
can't believe it's still going on
hope it's half over
at least




I thought about getting champagne for new year's eve
but
I think I'm just gonna do margaritas
I like em better
and
I'm not sure what I'm toasting


I'm hoping
things will get better, though
I want things to get better


I haven't been on master class
and they're nagging me on email
I don't like it


not as much as I dislike
eBay or detox market
sending me emails about things
at which I have simply looked
but not
I repeat not
even put in my cart
I looked it it
decided I wasn't interested
never put it on a wish list or watched it
or anything
and then
I get an email that it's ending soon
or almost out of stock
or waiting for me
I really hate
pushy bots

fell asleep in chair
margarita melted
😢
I love you sweetheart

I love you sweetheart
I'm going to bed now
I really should not go down internet rabbit holes and stay up late
I didn't even watch masterclass

i went to dinner with my mom
probably not gonna get to mamet
i am going to watch at least one lesson with
margaret atwood
because it's like a bedtime story
i've been missing it all day
that thing she does with her face
it looks kinda like she's laughing
but there is a little irony
and maybe
just a little
wicked glee

it's kind of addictive

anyway
my mother is reading
i can't remember what she called it
real
not genre fiction (i think)
i'm like
you mean like literary fiction
yes
she says

and
i think
she says
you could write that
with the way you string your words together
but
i say
that is what i have always wanted to write
and you always said that was bad and i should write bestsellers

well
apparently
she has discovered that you win money for literary prizes
and now
you will never believe this

i'm expected to win the nobel prize for literature
uh huh
i mean, it's like a lifetime award
i'm two weeks shy of 52 and i've had nothing published
managed expectations, jeez

anyway
whatever


i love you sweetheart

ok
so 5 lessons of Atwood (well, really 6 because I watched one out of order)
5 chapters of Dan Brown
next
I think I'll watch 5 lessons of David Mamet
but
tomorrow
now I gotta go to bed


I love you sweetheart

dan brown

1) give the reader what they want
in a way they don't see coming


2) what is the world my story inhabits


3) what is this book about


4) what is the moral ambiguity question that is central to the story


5) what is the tension inherent to the world


6) what happens is not important HOW is


[I'm not sure I agree with these points completely, but they are different from what my focus has been]


7) location is a character &/or an inspiration
8) but don't get all tied up in location because people care more about people than places
[this seems like not something I needed to know at all]
9) heroes & villains [I don't think I have a villain and he thinks that's the most important] villain is the catalyst for everything-- I guess that makes you the villain of my thriller 😊

I've watched 6 lessons
I am enjoying it
it's not, so far, telling me
anything I don't know


so
I'm also now watching Dan Brown
I don't think he's a particularly good writer
but
I think some of the problems
I've had with structuring
might be helped
by information
on structuring a thriller
maybe not
but
I have all access
so nothing to lose
yay
but
I really need to go to bed
so
not too many lessons

i did something i'm kinda excited about

you know that masterclass thing
well
i keep looking at it
and i keep saying:  nah, it's too expensive
cause i think it was $90 a class or something
and
i just didn't see a class i needed, ya know
anyway
then on facebook i got an ad in my feed
and it had this video

and

i was like

ok, ya got me. i might need this

and then i read further and found out

special christmas special--

buy one complete access to all their courses for a year $180, and

get one free to give as a gift

ok

i'm not sure how i could be expected to pass that up

i'm gonna give the gift one to my mom

today is the last day

and

they have serena teaching tennis, just sayin

but

i think the universewas tellin me it was time

I stayed up late
and when I woke up
I had a bad headache
so I set the alarm for an hour later
and went back to bed
but
I slept through that alarm
so I'm up now
still with a headache
but
I had a bad dream too


I dreamed
this guy was looking for these old
computer programming books
and YAY we had them
but them he was mad we sell them as a set
and they weren't discounted enough
these had old bookstop stickers on them
you knew I worked there, right
so they were discounted
10% or 15%
whatever it was
I don't remember
maybe it was more
maybe it was 20% and bestsellers were 30%
whatever
he felt like they shoulda been less
and the stickers were all faded
so
I was having trouble
looking them up
to tell him the price


he kept trying to explain
what these books were about
and context and history
but
I didn't care
I was just trying to get him outta there
I had shit to do


he could get it cheaper at Costco
he said
then buy it at Costco
I said
they don't have it
he said
I don't set the prices
I said
they are a discount club
we are a store
it's not the same situation


and it was that awkward point
where we want to leave
and there's nothing else to say
but
it feels rude to walk away
because of there expectant body language
but then
if you stay
that just makes them think
there's a chance
and they double down


and people had taken back
cases and cases of wines
but they had just put them
like, wherever
the shelving
which looked so much better than what I actually have
had milk crates (I guess we had to get Starbucks in there somehow)
filled with wine bottles
on their sided
filled with whole cases
or mixed cases
just sitting on whatever shelf had space for it
regardless of whether
that made any sense


and
I was debating whether I should move the two racks closer together
because the Christmas stuff between them sold
but
I was going to have to do a new set for new years
that would only be up a week


honestly
I kinda wish I hadn't gone back to bed


also
my auto correct is doing bizarre stuff
it changes would to soul
which it's been doing for a while
but I think there were a bunch of new ones here
I tried to catch them
but
I prolly didn't and I'm not checking this now
so
sorry if there's somethin crazy
hopefully
context wins out


love you sweetheart

look at this

ok
I had fallen asleep in the chair
pretty seriously
because it was 3 when I woke up and went to bed
but
now I am up


ouch


I'm sorry
I know that's not sexy
and maybe
what I'm supposed to be is sexy
I don't know what to do about that


I love you
more later
after coffee

I decided
I'm not going in early
9hrs is enough
we'll already be open
I won't get my stuff done
I'll just work longer
it's not worth it


and
you will hear from me tomorrow
just not everybody else


I hurt physically
even though I took the 2hr bath
and
I am full of snot
I'm not a pretty picture
I just got out of bed
and
I already want margaritas


one
more
day

goodnight sweetheart
I'm going to bed
I've been falling asleep in the chair
all day
except when I took the two hour bath
I can't keep my eyes open
I guess I'm going in early
but
he has me scheduled
9-6
already
and
I can't do more than 10hrs
I used to could
but now no
so
I guess I'm going at 8
and we open at 7
so I'm not sure if there's any point
but
there was 40% off minis sale today
and i expect it to be tore up pretty bad


and
I haven't made any sort of plans
with my mother
so
imma have to call her
I can not deal
cannot have dinner with her tomorrow
as is our tradition
and
Xmas is for me
no going anywhere
no friends
no family
just rest
so
I don't know how that's all gonna pan out
I got her a set of dishes
she rarely likes what I get her
but
I think
she's gonna like these
I hope


I will see you in the morning
I love you

ok
well
I think I said no more than 3 hours of work
and it was 4
so
that's pretty good for me
did I tell you I got up at 3
it's absolutely beautiful weather
sunny
breezy
about 60 degrees
and it's early
I should go fo something outside
but
probably
not


love you
hope it's pretty where you are

ok
I got up at 3
so I wouldn't be 7 minutes late
which I was again yesterday
and
I'm about to leave for work
it opens at 8 now
because
I guess
people love to get up at the
butt crack of dawn
to shop
so
two uninterrupted hours
and then
they can't buy alcohol
and I'm not technically working
so hopefully
I cannot be expected to run a register
and
I have no set time
so
when I'm done
I'm done
and
almost all the wine is out
it's just messy
so
hopefully no more than three hours

I hope you're doing well
I'm so so tired
but
what do we say


three
more
days


I love you sweetheart

I should have gone to bed
an hour ago
but
I just had a bunch of fun
I looked on juvia's place
online
I bought the ones I have at ulta
but
online at juvia's place
they're having an end of year sale
50% off
so an eyeshadow palette
that would normally be $40
but at jp is normally $20
is now $10
so I bought more
I may end up depotting them
and just putting
the few I actually use in some kind of palette
although
idk
I might not be able to pull that off
w/o destroying everything
I am very excited
hopefully
they are great
but
the ones I have are really really good
and, anyway


three more days
daze


gotta go to bed
sleep fast
going in at 7 again


love you very much sweetheart
goodnight

the margaritas are coming fast and furious
but
I'm still falling asleep in the chair
I've gotta sleep fast
and get up
at like 4:30
because I'm going in early
to try to get some work done
before the full shift of register
or
maybe it won't be a full shift
more people are scheduled
and
probably no more that 50 cases
coming in
and
he didn't schedule me to work Sunday
which is like a minor miracle
since it is right before Xmas
but
I'm going in
hella early
to get stuff restocked
and
upstocked
and
less looking like a bomb went off 💣
but
I won't have to work a full day register shift
I'm lucky I can still get around 🍀
I'm not doin as well as I feel I should be
but
I'm not taking any supplements either
so
ya know
I'm slow and ache-y when au naturale


anyway
off to bed
I love you sweetheart
four
more
days

good morning sweetheart
I'm running a little rushed
I over slept a bit
good thing there's a hungry kitty
to act as backup alarm clock
have a good day
5 more days

goodnight sweetheart
I stayed up too late again
I gotta go to bed
I love you

i fell asleep in the chair

and i kept almost waking up
and falling back asleep in the chair
i dreamed

about a vampire king
and the day he saw the five women walking through the courtyard
in nothing but blue towels
as foretold
and


i'm losing it

something about makeup

something about a cafe in a small town

but
something else significant
and
i just can't remember

i gotta get up in a few hours
i got chores to do

i love you sweetheart                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 

good morning sweetheart
not quite 100 cases coming in today
more like 70
still tired though


hope your day is awesome

goodnight sweetheart
I love you
I have to go to bed
I stayed up too late again

coming in early again
good morning sweetheart

ok
so margaritas for dinner
and
maybe
baby cobra
if it's still available
that made me laugh so hard
 I think
I almost pee'd myself

goodnight sweetheart
I love you

Aaaaaaacccccckkkkk!!!!!


that's all I got
I'm stressed
and exhausted
and my Achilles tendon hurts
and i dont know why
but
I'm limping
and that's not making anything better
I dreamed about a pool
but
it was at dennis' house
and
I kept having stuff I needed to do
and
maybe something about a string
the weather is doing roller coasters again
and I just want off
I can't even tell you what I did yesterday
not laundry
I'm wearing a fucking thong
a thong
not mailing Xmas presents
or wrapping them
I still have to do that
and people calling out
and
just
Aaaaaccccckkkkk!!!!!

fell asleep in chair
love you
night-night

i stayed up too late again
and
i got a cat hair or something in my eye
it is very irritated
that rarely happens
it looks really irritated
like there's thick clear eye goo
and it feels much better since that formed
but it looks worse
i can see ok
i sort of panic about my eyes
i worry
they seem fragile to me
i mean they are fragile
but
eyes are not a walk it off thing
ya know

whatever blah blah

i love you sweetheart
imma go to bed now
meet me in dreamland

i love you

so, i bought myself a holly daze present

or rather
it's actually 4 things
but
it's ordered from one place
so i'm considering it one gift, ya know

idk if you realize how much i like makeup brushes
much more than i like makeup, actually
and
i don;t really need any more
but i want them
i watch the fude girl's videos
and, i mean they are kinda slow paced and slightly awkward
not, maybe, the type of thing you'd think i'd watch
but i actually really like them and find them super interesting
so
as a consequence
i have been wanting some koyomo brushes for a while now
but, also
blah blah whole bunch of variables
so rather than trying to reconstruct my search through cdjapan website
i will just show you what i ordered

very excited

this is the first and most important
it is the same shape as the suqqu m brush knock off which i bought on ebay
for some ridiculously cheap price
it's from china
but
i find that i'm using that almost exclusively for eyeshadow

this is the second most important, it is the shape of my chikuhodo T7
which is the brush i like the best for blending out edges
i can apply shadow with it
technically you could do everything with it except line, i guess
but i don't
i only like it for blending out
but i really really like it for that

those two i picked pretty fast
but
i wasn't stopping there
they have a blush and a powder in that same series
but
i don't like goat just especially for those things
i have a synthetic brush i use for blush
it's the only one i currently use
and i went through a bunch of different sizes and shapes
getting one i liked
i ordered it last year
black friday from the body shop
here,since i talked about it
and
for powder
i usually wear mineral powder
and i have a synthetic brush i use for that too
this one here

so
why the need for real hair eye shadow brushes
idk
they just work better for eye shadow

so
i had to think about what would be most useful
and what was most beautiful
and what i wanted to experiment with
and, let me just say
it's not the most user friendly website

not all the brushes i want are available through cdjapan
the three brush i want is not
and there's another one i pinned in face paintings that is not available
well, it is
and so is the suqqu m
but only "by proxy"
and that seems dubious and takes like 6 weeks
besides, too much money
so
i looked around
and i decided on this one to fill that role
i'm not really familiar with this brand
and i'm uncertain whether i think they look cool
or lurid
but the brush is squirrel and sable
and i think i'm gonna love that combination

so
i said
you can get one more
they are pretty good prices on the brushes
the shipping brings it up, some, but still

i had another pinned brush that they had still
but
i found it was in competition with two other brushes
it is made of horse and wooded handled
like it matches (kinda) the blush brush
but
then there was a pony
same color pink as the first two
but different ferrule
or
there was one the same brand as the last one
they were all similar shape
pony and horse might technically be the same material
and this last one is goat
but
slightly more exciting shape
and
really good reviews
and
i was very attracted to it
and two matching brushes seemed
sexier than just the one, which seemed to push it closer to lurid
so i broke down and got this one

i know this is unlikely to be very interesting to you
but
i spent multiple hours on this hunt
and i am super excited to get them
i love presents

it's not a hanukkah present
or a christmas present
it's specifically a holly daze present
because i am feeling
just on the edge
of bah humbug
and i gotta pull out of the spin before it goes there

i'm getting hungry
and i need to go to sleep soon
i think i'm gonna eat my leftover mu shu tofu
and
some ice cream
and call it a night

ok
I've been done about 30 minutes
but
I had to sit down
now
I kinda want breakfast
or
maybe lunch
gotta think about it

alright 5:13
and
to clarify
I didn't tell him I'll be in whenever
I just said
oh, I don't think I can make it by 6
and then didn't specify a time


the reason I'm so wrecked
is
they instituted a new receiving
where ya gotta scan everything
and
the bar codes on the boxes
are supposed to work
but they mostly don't
so
ya gotta open most of the boxes
and scan a bottle
but
of course they're stacked
so ya gotta unstack em
at 40 pounds a box
120 boxes
that's a lotta lifting
before you've put anything away

I love you sweetheart
I'm just having
kinda a rough life right now
I have to go in tomorrow
for a little bit
because
there's a big sale
and Dennis
doesn't understand
that
I've pretty much done it already
he's all like
I'll be here at 6
fucking good for you man
I am not getting up at
3:30 on my day off
and
I move so slow in the morning
that that's pretty much what it comes to
so
imma get up
at 4:30/5
and I'll get there when I can
might be 6
might be 7
might be fucking 8
whatever
I want to be a team player
but
fuck
fuck
my back hurts
I want
I want
I want


good touch


goodnight sweetheart
I love you

goodnight sweetheart
I stayed up too late again
I love you

i stayed up too late
i have to go to bed now
i love you sweetheart

ok
I'm awake
but
that's all
I feel like I've been beaten
and
I have a headache
😢


I was looking back
and
I'm sorry that video was so long
I thought it was about 15 minutes
but
it was actually 45
I guess that's a testament to how interesting I found it
nothing there you need to see


hope your day is going well
I might need to take another
Epsom bath
I really don't want to
but
everything hurts


I love you sweetheart

i said the other day
but
really i think it was this morning
it's nice to think god supports whatever i want to do

goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much

i stumbled across some videos
and
they aren't appropriate to our conversation
but
they made me remember some things
that i don't think i've told you


i had this fascination with the idea
of being a nun

i'm not into the jesus idea
and
maybe ultimately
that's the thing that put me off it

the idea of spending my day in prayer
of dedicating my life to god

those things were appealing
but
nuns--  or at least so i thought
spent their days working
monks seemed to have the really good life
brewing trappist ales
raising bees
cloistering from the world
those things seem good

of course
you don't really choose who you live with
and
how much time do you get alone
plus
you gotta cut off your hair
and you can't have any stuff

there were too many cons to really consider it
even apart from the jesus thing
which
i guess
really has to be a deal breaker

but
there are some convents or monasteries
where you can stay
like renting a room
like travel, i guess
and
i've always thought it would be fun to do that
and earlier version of the trailer in the desert--  writing


i asked god the other day
i had the tarot cards
and i'm like
look
i'm always asking you things
and i don't think i'm asking the right questions
so please
just tell me what you want me to know

and the nine of cups is what came back
the wish card

you will be happy
it seemed to say
that was what i wanted to be when i grew up--  happy
and
i've never quite managed it
i would not say i have ever been happy
i mean
you know, like momentarily, yes
but like
my life is happy
no, never


i almost held my breath and looked at the next card
ace of pentacles

new life

was both specific and vague

i support you, foundationally
do it
live it
be it

i support you

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

I think I've mentioned before
that I'm geographically dislexic
so
it took me like 40 minutes
 to find the fuckin dps
and then
I couldn't go out the same way I came in
so now
it's been an hour and a half
trying to find my way home
I toured oak Forrest
and the sketchier part of
spring branch
then
spring valley
memorial
tanglewood
and finally home
"uptown" galleria area
quite a journey
I must say
now
I'm done
stick a fork in me
I'm eating Mexican food
for emotional strength
😊 🍴

ok
so
done with that
and all proving I'm a citizen
and such
and
I didn't know to be grateful
for my last picture
but
this one doesn't really look like me
I wish I could get a do over
I look hideous
but
oh well
nobody really looks at drivers license pictures
right?!
but
I'm a little demoralized
about the passport
I may quit this for the day

I'm finished with box
now at DPS
figured I'd just do as much
suck stuff as I can
getting passport pictures next
don't think I'll have time
to get social security card replaced
or make an appointment to
renew expired passport
but
that's gotta be done too
sigh 

I'm going to bed
you are so beautiful

i love you
i hope you're having fun tonight
i wish i could be with you
i'm not sure if you thought i might be
or not

i haven't forgotten that i'm writing you something
i had a dream
that made me want to do something inspired by it
but
it was all hallucinogenic
so

i can't really describe the dream


i have to do that safety deposit box tomorrow
that's the day i have to do it
and since dennis gave me monday off
he asked me
to work at the heights today
because they have a ton of wine
in the back
that isn't even represented out front
and
omg
i am really really sore
i took like a three hour bath
i've only got like 90 pages left of that book
i did tell you i read slow



you might think
idk
that i'm difficult
and i mean, i kinda am
but not with you baby
i try
i've tried really hard
for a long time
and i hope you're not gonna quit me
i think you know
but
in case you don't
you are very precious in my heart


i'm up for some quantum entanglement if you are
i'll be asleep until 5:30a

goodnight sweetheart
i love you

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

I love you sweetheart
hope your day is going well
tarot cards say
you're feeling 5 of wands-y about me
like 2 times in a row
not really sure if I should be worried
it can mean strife
or
it can mean competition
I'm gonna interpret it
in a good way
so
if you're mad at me
you'll have to let me know so

i was seduced

ok
that's like a click-bait title
but it's not entirely untrue

i didn't feel emotionally strong enough to go to work
which, of course, didn't stop me from going

and then
when i went to pee at work
there was a tinge of red
and i'm like
seriously

because
of course
it's not like i have supplies
and i'm wearing pink pants
ok
not actually pink
but rose-brown
which is essentially, dark pink

and
i needed something
and then
when i looked at my 150 new emails on my phone
not really
but it's starting to feel that way--  "cyber week"

i got an email from detox market
which i normally ignore
because they are just a bit much
it's not worth explaining here, but maybe you know what i mean

they had new products
and the very first one contained the word noni
i think maybe they had me at noni
but
it's an eye oil
that rolls on
and the roller ball is rose quartz
it's from australia

look

it wasn't super expensive

in fact for all that

it seemed pretty reasonable

good morning sweetheart
I love you
I hope
everything is going really well
that it's beautiful where you are
I'm sorry if I haven't been
super fun
I felt like
the fact that I was writing
was
an improvement
but
I don't really seem to be out of my funk


have a beautiful day
I'll try to check in
with positive thoughts
later in the day

we had an official visit today
so
I had to come in at 7am
everything went well
it seems
they want yo reduce my dept
even further
sigh

i can't believe i just watched this

ok

this is not my usual post

i saw a pop up ad for tree free toilet paper

i got excited

it was on a monthly delivery service

that seemed cool

but

i have pretty specific criteria for toilet paper

so i did

what i am now shaking my head about

i looked for toilet paper reviews on youtube

yes

i did that

and

apparently

i'm sharing

lucky you

i may have nightmares from this video

well, probably not

but the pudding thing was pretty bad

definitely worse than the

squatty potty soft serve unicorn rainbow poo

or

the charmin shiny hiney song radio ad

or

the poo pouri commercial where she's over for holiday dinner

i have found all of these

not offensive, exactly

but an offense to my sensibilities

i don't like hearing about shitting, apparently

but

toilet paper

seemed less dangerous

and review seemed like, safe somehow

and it was fine and great--  except the pudding part

yeesh

and

so

i'm gonna tell you something

random

that you didn't need to know about me

i have two rules for toilet paper

i don't really care if it's soft

i mean

all things being equal

i'd prefer soft

but

all things are not equal

soft is definitely correlated with my two deal breaking nos

i do not

want the toilet paper to fall apart

i want to be able to trust

with some reasonable amount of sheets

that my finger will not go through the toilet paper

that's #2, actually

#1

i do not want little fibers

bits of toilet paper

toilet paper lint

i can't stand that

so

i typically go with the 1000 sheet kind

because it does not leave lint

but i have been buying

a store brand

for years

that is similar to 1000 sheet

except two ply

with some texture

which

i actively loved

but now

they've changed it

it's softer

and

i hate it now--  lint

my father had two tattoos

today is my father's birthday
i realized that
at some point today
when i had to know the date
and

i thought about it
a little
but
strangely
not
like i thought about him
more like
i thought about how
i was not going to let it freak me out
that it was his birthday

he would have been 81

which means he had just turned 30 when i was born, right

that's just crazy

i think you overheard me talking to him on the phone once
he had just turned 70
and i was asking him if he had ever thought he'd live to be that old
it wasn't a health related question
it was
something that seemed natural for me to ask him
a perpetual child at heart

he started loosing his hair somewhere around the time i was born
and
he was very vain about it
it really bothered him
he wore all sorts of hats
although
usually nautically themed

and then
one day
when he was separated from deborah
one time

he shaved it all off
and came around beating on gran gran's door
i didn't recognize him
and
none of us had known where he was
he turned out to have rented an apartment
a block away
this little tucked away place that looked like a tiny motel

he was full of the flamboyancy of it
he looked like yul brynner
we all seem to look like movie stars somehow
he seemed crazy
dangerous
maybe he was drunk
but it didn't seem that way
and

he had a scar on his forehead
it was weird
he'd always had a bump
and now it was flat
and he had a scar
that looked just like my exact-o knife "pbs whittling" scar
which you really can't see anymore on my left hand

what happened there
i ask, pointing to his forehead

oh, that
he says
it always bothered me
i decided to get rid of it

he had "lanced it" with a razor blade
and squeezed out the cyst {or whatever it was}
he demonstrated the squeezing

it was like the void of something
much less natural than the bump
vaguely manson-esque
now, i'm being melodramatic, but still

he looked good
he did
in terms of attractiveness
he seemed freed from the heavy weight of the baldness
not with an if you can't beat em join em kind of thing
but rather with the full-on masculine bravado of a new look

i was afraid of him, a little


i've always wanted a tattoo
did you know that

my father had two tattoos
one on his upper arm
he had gotten it as soon as he was old enough to do that sort of thing
so 21, maybe
his parents had deeply disapproved i'm sure
but
he had probably done it for that reason
plus
it's what he would do, obvi

that's one of the lessons he gave me in cool
when i was maybe 6
whenever you're going to do something
think
is that what she would do
{because i'm a girl, obvi}

now i assumed
this she person
was the character i was designing for myself
because it never ever would have occurred to me
that it would be cool to model yourself on anyone else
but
that may just be the only proof we need
that i was way cooler than my dad, naturally

the tattoo on his upper arm
was a hot stuff devil with his initials B.B.
and
the other was a really beautiful centaur
with a bow and arrow
Sagittarius

i was fascinated with the way it didn't look like a tattoo
it blended in with his perpetual tan
so well
it looked like it was naturally occurring
at least to me
it did

i always intended to get one
but i was never sure
what i'd want to look at forever
i decided i'd wait

and
i guess i'm still waiting





if you go here
go to page 61
this is the thing i have seriously thought about
for about the last 10 years
this image
what her interpretation of the card says
it resonates with me

good morning sweetheart
I have a headache
and
I think it's the weather
it's 45 now
and really nice
but somethin must be blowing in
because Friday they expect it to be 80
I'm not a fan of
all the change-y change weather
it gives me headaches
only since 98, though
so
maybe it's a combination
of weather change
and
air quality
or
age
or
both


I have big orders coming in today
but
I should have help
and coverage
so
hopefully
no problem
still have a bad cough


hope your day
is
awesome sauce
💋

I stayed up later than I should have


I love you sweetheart
I gotta go to bed

i had very strange dreams and i was going to write about them

but then i didn'tseemto be able to make myself
i still do not feel well
and
i'm sort of confused
and
maybe paranoid
and
anyway unsettled

the dreams were all full of my aunt joan
and
t-shirts
and how i seem like a loser but i'm really saving the world

it's just nobody can tell

and i just want to ask you questions
but
i can't

hopefully
i'll have better dreams
and then i'll feel like i can say something


i love you very much
i'm going to sleep

send me thoughts if you can
about what you'd like to read
and i'll try to get out of my funk, i promise

goodnight sweetheart

very complicated dream
may only remember
the one before I woke up
but
I was going to someone's wedding
like undercover
they were rich
but my mother
not who wasn't my actual mother
she was rich too
giant mansion
stacks of cash
very strange

i had
really crazy dreams
but they were all pretty sexual
i'm not sure what's up with that
maybe you're sending that energy my way
i felt better today
and
i got some of my actual work done

i would like you to send me dreams again tonight

i'm going to bed in a few minutes
and i'm getting up at 5:00

maybe i can write you something about the dreams
from last night
and
tonight
if those are good

i'm super tired
and
very dehydrated
and
maybe
maybe i just have to sleep more
to keep my immune system working
at least until my body gets over the stress of transforming
into whatever it's going to be next
crone
witch
gilamonster

goodnight
i love you very much sweetheart

goodnight sweetheart
I'm going to bed now
gotta get up early
working black Friday
feeling much better
I love you very much

I love you sweetheart
kitty's happy now
but
he was very unhappy
when I woke up at 3am to pee
and started to go to back bed without feeding him
7 hours is long enough to go without food mommy
wtf
so I got up and fed him
when I woke up
I had flailed around
kicked all the blankets off
and was at a weird sideways angle
he
and his fake sheepskin polar fleece blanket
were within an inch of falling off the bed
and
he was curled up
happy as a clam

after falling asleep sitting upright in the chair several times
I'm giving up the ghost
and taking myself to bed
I love you very much sweetheart
the cat
is very disgruntley
he doesn't like this shocking


word that I can't quite access
but like wrenching break meets topsy turvey-ifying disregard for his schedule
he is not pleased
sigh


goodnight sweetheart

well
I must look as bad as I feel
because he sent me home

after I posted last
I fell asleep
so I didn't read any more
I woke up twice and forced fluids
I don't feel well today either
but
I told him yesterday
I'd be there for sure today
so
I guess I'm going
but
I'd say the most likely scenario
is I pass out when I get home
so
I can't promise anything about tonight
maybe I will get there
and he will take one look at me
and say
omg leave before you contagion the rest of the staff
I will run away so fast if he says that
but
idk
I think it's unlikely
I'm about the fourth or fifth person to get this
so
I think the contagion is loose
I hate being sick
I hate it
that's part of why I hate this menopause shit
I mean if it was just hot flashes and mood swings like they tell you
but no
I was feeling sick for a long time
before I got this
and weird symptoms
bein a girl
you can keep it
it sucks


anyway
sorry
hope your day is better
love you sweetheart

I think you remember I bought
the Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society
and
I started it
but
I wasn't getting into it
so it was consigned to bath reading
which means I wasn't reading it
but
when I took the 2 hr bath
I started warming up to it
and now
it's sickbed reading too
so I may finish today
or, anyway, soon


I think I told you I read really slowly
comparatively
and my mother always wanted to send me to speed reading classes
but
I wouldn't let her
I want to read slow

I'm not going to go to work today
I woke up in the night
almost voiceless
I gargled with some
water with 3 drops of clove bud oil
and it was much better when I woke up
but
still
if I work today
that greatly decreases the chances
of Wednesday and Friday
which are busier days
I do not believe that skipping yesterday
would have solved anything
plus I had shit I had to do
illness seems to progress in me in a certain pattern
and it's not
get a bunch of rest
when you first get sick
and it goes right away
not that


anyway
good morning sweetheart

ok
I stayed up later than I should have
but
I'm now taking Nyquil
and going to bed


I love you sweetheart

sick
still alive
I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart
I think I might be legit catching cold
I took Nyquil
I'm going to bed
I love you

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much
I'm going to bed now
💋

I dreamed
we we young
sitting on a sectional sofa
talking
and smoking pot
I was sitting sideways
like almost falling off the sofa
it was pretty low key


then
this morning
I feel pretty good
no specific pain
almost no headache
and
pretty good attitude


so
I say keep that shit up
peace
💋 💋

FUNFUNFUN
that's what's happening here today
friends and neighbors
right here in retail city
AAAAKKKK

goodnight sweetheart
💋

I am feeling loser-y
I have a safety deposit box
that I haven't been in for idk
15 years at least
I kinda forgot about it
and they're closing the branch
so I have to close it out
except I dont have the key
haven't seen it since the fire
so now I have to take off work
and come in to get it drilled
I'm like
I don't think there's anything
all that important
could I sign something
and you send it to me certified mail
no
I gotta come in
😢

I turned the heater on
and took an epsom salts bath
for almost two hours
unheard of


but
blah blah personal care
I love you 💋

actually
it's so cold here
I'm not asleep yet
I'm running the heater
to get the temp back up
but
I don't want to sleep with it on
so I'm just kinda waiting around
worried by the initial burning smell
because there was that fire
that was because there was gonna be
a "hard freeze" of 34 degrees
and the apartment didn't want
the pipes to burst
so
they told everyone
to set the heater
but
a neighbor was out of town
and the heater caught on fire
that was why there was the fire


so PTSD
and it was stupid
even if it got to 27 degrees
how long would it be that cold


it's taken days of cold weather
for my apartment to get to 60
it's 34 degrees now
and I'm freezing
but
the thermostat says like 58
I just want it a little warmer
then I'll be ok under the blankets


my head hurts
I'm falling apart
but
I wish I could hold you under the blankets


I love you sweetheart
almost warm enough
nothing is burning down
got stuff to do tomorrow
I'll try to be more talkative
💋

goodnight sweetheart
i'm going to bed now
i love you very much
💋

ok
so I feel a little better
now that I've been up a while
but
still pretty bad
I just wish I knew
if this is actual sickness
or
some wacky hormonal thing
or
allergy
or
wtf
we've got a little more labor today
so hopefully it'll be ok
but
I'm pretty sure I've got a ton coming in
and no energy to deal with it


I love you sweetheart
I hope your day is going better than mine
💋

ok
I slept 10 hours
but
I feel like I maybe slept 3
wtf
I dreamed
that my mom said hey lets go here
and proceeded to scamper
across a large yard
with so much shit
first cat then dog
then maybe human
that you could barely walk across it
into an already in progress church ceremony
she shoved a tabouli sandwich into my hand
I grabbed a bible
kicked off my shoes
curled up in the double wide
padded pew chairs


I never understand this, I said
I've tried a bunch of times
I said
looking at a list of places
where things you got from the church
could be returned
after they were worn out
except
a bunch of them had stickers
noting that it was closed down


it was weird

I feel kinda
pass-out-y
so
I'm goin to bed
I love you
and I'm sorry I can't stay up
and play

sadly
I can't remember what I dreamed
I love you sweetheart
have a beautiful day

fell asleep in chair


love you

i'm exhausted and i have a headache
i have to go to bed
i love you sweetheart

meet me in dreamland if you can
i'll be by the campfire

I'm not sure what this says about me
but
when I'm having a discussion with the cat
I talk to him like
he understands English 100%
and can followed reasoned arguments
when I just a few minutes ago
was discussing whether he'd like breakfast
this is what I said:


kitty
would you like some breakfasses


and
I say most things twice
this is my version of baby talk
cutesified language
and repetition


doesn't seem appropriate
does it


good morning sweetheart

i have to go to bed
i ate like a huge quantity of christmas cookie blue bell ice cream
rather than drinking margaritas
i have to get up early
and go in on my day off for two hours
to put up the new signage

i don't feel that good about how things are gonna go down

i don't know if i'll be able to sleep
but
i gotta try
this
lack of a blue tsunami
makes me sad
i guess we'll see

we got the house, though
so
that's better than not getting it
maybe it'll be enough to change things?!

good morning sweetheart
hope everything is beautiful
for you today


I am anticipating
significant challenges
at work today


I'm trying to take a
via con dios
approach


we'll see if that works better today

goodnight sweetheart