i stumbled across some videos
and
they aren't appropriate to our conversation
but
they made me remember some things
that i don't think i've told you


i had this fascination with the idea
of being a nun

i'm not into the jesus idea
and
maybe ultimately
that's the thing that put me off it

the idea of spending my day in prayer
of dedicating my life to god

those things were appealing
but
nuns--  or at least so i thought
spent their days working
monks seemed to have the really good life
brewing trappist ales
raising bees
cloistering from the world
those things seem good

of course
you don't really choose who you live with
and
how much time do you get alone
plus
you gotta cut off your hair
and you can't have any stuff

there were too many cons to really consider it
even apart from the jesus thing
which
i guess
really has to be a deal breaker

but
there are some convents or monasteries
where you can stay
like renting a room
like travel, i guess
and
i've always thought it would be fun to do that
and earlier version of the trailer in the desert--  writing


i asked god the other day
i had the tarot cards
and i'm like
look
i'm always asking you things
and i don't think i'm asking the right questions
so please
just tell me what you want me to know

and the nine of cups is what came back
the wish card

you will be happy
it seemed to say
that was what i wanted to be when i grew up--  happy
and
i've never quite managed it
i would not say i have ever been happy
i mean
you know, like momentarily, yes
but like
my life is happy
no, never


i almost held my breath and looked at the next card
ace of pentacles

new life

was both specific and vague

i support you, foundationally
do it
live it
be it

i support you