my mom
& WHAT I can do to
NOT FEEL anything about her
LIKE
there's no neutral
as SOON as I THINK about her
I have all this
STUFF
I don't believe she has
EVER
just done something for LIKE
MY well being
I think anything she's done for me
was self motivated
LIKE
EVEN if it helped me
I think she did it
to GET something OUT of me
even if it was just to
HAVE something
OVER me
I don't believe she
KNOWS me
or UNDERSTANDS me at ALL
she wants me to
ENTERTAIN her
BUT
she doesn't CARE isn't interested in
WHAT I have to SAY
NONE of THIS is even REMOTELY helpful
I've been trying to treat her like some
person I just met
in order to
TRY
to not feel all this f*CKing
BAGGAGE
BUT
it's not WORKING
I mean it IS
BUT
NOT ENOUGH
I am not spending time thinking
about the specific things
she's done in the past
it's just the
LACK of
ANYTHING
POSITIVE
& then
all the bullsh*t
I FEEL like
there should be a WAY
to TURN this stuff
OFF
BUT
EVEN the REALIZATION that
I don't LOVE her
is HARD for me SOMEHOW
I think
SOMETIMES
that what it needs is just become
SO ANNOYING
& incompetent from her perspective
that she just doesn't want to be around me
BUT
THAT
SEEMS like
A LOT of WORK
I FEEL WEIRD having these thoughts
I DO
FEEL like
I'mma NEED to get a handle on THIS
& I probably need to see her
TOMORROW
or FRIDAY
I've been running through
THINGS that WORKED for me on the ROAD
& I feel like
PLANNING was important
BUT
SO was being in the MOMENT
AND
I BELIEVE in the
POWER of
TREATING someone AS THOUGH they were the
WAY you want them to be
if it's BETTER than they actually are
BUT
I haven't seen evidence that it works with her
& I WONDER if
THAT
is a BIG problem
LIKE
IF
I could TREAT her
LIKE
I believed she really
LOVED me
BUT
I've KINDA MOVED on to this
POSITION where
I want to be
UNDERSTOOD
& THAT puts her
even further
BEHIND
& THIS
is all thinkier that I WANT to BE
hmmmmm
