that pub

sounds fun

I can never seem to get

fixed in my head

WHEN

is basketball season 

MARCH madness

BUT 

of course 

THAT is college

❤️

this is perhaps 

MORE of

an ASSEMBLAGE 

& I need to clean the glass & stuff

it's from nineteen ninety two

I matted & framed it

MYSELF 

I had access to a mat cutter at that time

I was living in the attic 

and there's a turning

vent thingy in the roof

&

a little baby bird

falls through 

my cat

MOON

was Johnny on the spot

& I had a little trouble 

getting the

BABY 

BIRD

away from him

BUT 

I DID 

the whole experience 

had this

FEELING 

about it

& I made this to remember it

the larger white "paper"

I made from

FIBERS 

I bought from a weaver

I had taken a workshop 

at texas art supply 

to lean to do that

TECHNIQUE 

not that long before that

I still love this piece

& the color palette 

BUT 

it never seem to "match" anything in my house 

so I rarely have it hanging 

I am going to 

HANG it

SOMEWHERE 

THIS 

is the piece I was talking about showing you 

I hope you are having a beautiful day sweetheart 

🫶

I forgot to tell you 

that last FASCIA thing

in my back & side

I KNOW 

I told you that

my turn range of motion 

GREATLY increased

BUT 

I just realized 

I used to have to stand on top toe

to reach the ceiling fan pull

NOW 

I just reach up

I can reach it easily 

BUT 

my neck and shoulders are gonna 

HAVE to be NEXT 

&

I THINK 

that's likely to be 

BAD

my scalp

is SO tight

I can't even move the skin around 

I've got to loosen up 

BUT 

my pain levels are down 

otherwise 

so much so that I haven't taken

an ibuprofen 

or acetaminophen

in LIKE 

a month 

& I'm pretty sure 

from the shoulders up

PAIN

is how

I USED to feel

EVERYWHERE 

SO

it's REALLY noticeable 

NOW 

that it HURTS 

because 

when everything is on

too much

you KINDA numb out

in a weird kinda way

LIKE 

EVERYTHING HURTS 

BUT 

there's a WAY 

you don't 

FEEL it

SPECIFICALLY 

JUST 

overall 

& it's all

FOCUSED 

on whatever is causing the problem 

RIGHT NOW 

BUT 

THIS 

has COMPARISON 

which apparently I don't SO MUCH enjoy

🫶😁🫶

👾🫚

I fell down another rabbit hole 

I decided I need

a warmer hat

I don't like

my touque

I saw this cashmere baseball cap

& didn't want that

BUT 

was kinda like

something similar to that

but different 

& I have maybe found it

have you ever heard

of a

STORMY KORMER

I WISH I looked good in hats

I NEVER think I look good in hats

BUT 

baseball caps

look okay

on me

if

the brim is curved enough

with the meno

my temperature regulation 

is just not that good

& I ALWAYS got

COLD easily

I find that image

complicated and intriguing 

I see something 

& I think I see

that there's 

MORE 

BUT 

I can't see the more YET, not really 

because I see what I see

I need to go to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋

goodnight 🫶 

👾🫚

❤️

I got another chore done

TODAY 

it was on the list

for today

BUT 

it has been "planned forward" several times 

I had to haul a bunch of boxes

& bags of trash

down to the dumpster 

& it wasn't THAT bad

I hope 

I wasn't weird

about that 

it was just not something I was expecting 

because of stuff

ya know

BUT 

very cool

& earworm just us

I don't remember my dreams

from last night

I LOVE you 

🫶

I took this meandering 

WANDER

through my mind/memory

& I WISH 

I could 

put it

into

WORDS

I want to 

DREAM about you

I want my

BRAIN 

to not work

ANGLES

or whatever you want to call it

LET me

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚

I'm drinking my

laird mushroom coffee 

& grinning 

all silly

LIKE 

I've been doing a

DIET

it's a weird diet tho

I'm trying not to eat carbs

& I'm prioritizing 

PROTEIN

I just had one meal

yesterday

& then again today 

six boiled eggs

yesterday 

I had two cans of tuna

TODAY 

I had that devil chili crisp, so good though 

the day before 

I had two meals, I had bone broth later

& I had freshe some flavor with eggplant 

CATALAN 

supplements & chlorella 

of course 

the mushroom coffee 

adds in more calories with the coconut milk 

& there are some carbs

it's not the fasting mimicking 

I found this new chlorella 

from australia 

might be

slightly

different strain

probably not 

BUT 

closer to the equator

MORE SUN

MAYBE 

plus

this brand tells you the

chlorella growth factor* in milligrams 

I'm excited about that

which is maybe

KINDA

nerdy

*chlorella growth factor is given to kids to make them grow taller if they're shrimpy

I THINK 

I didn't explain very well

when I'm not capturing all my thoughts

what that means is

although I'm 

EXPERIENCING 

the CONSORTIUM 

as separate from what I think of as me

it is ENTIRELY possible 

I just ran a program to recall

everything I DID 

DISCOVERED

that the contents of said discovery 

did not include the ACTION 

turning on the stove

&

REPORTED BACK

&

I just missed all that

SO

LIFE is possibly 

less bizarre than I'm giving it credit for 

ALSO

I MUST have KNOWN 

on some level

that I turned on the wrong street 

I went down to the bayou 

I THINK 

I even

said

HEY

aren't I supposed to TURN 

HERE when I crossed

the street I was supposed to turn on

& then said something like

NO & if so

I GUESS 

the universe is just telling us to go to ulta 

BUT 

I had decided not to go to ulta 

SO

I'm not sure how to 

EXPLAIN 

I didn't get my hair cut, though

ulta is too conventional for haircuts now

THEY aren't going to give me

MANGA hair

& THAT

is what I want

I'm going to have to cut it myself again 

I'm a little afraid 

BUT 

I wear a hat all the time now

& nobody really looking at me

it grows back

I'm probably going to try it

therapy was cancelled again 

he's still sick 😷🧸🧿 

I gotta go to sleep 

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚

in fairness 

I THINK 

FASTER

than I can PROCESS 

SO

I don't CAPTURE everything 

it's like 

I JUST sense it

it's 

pre-work or idea-framing or something 

it's one of the reasons 

I like to get high

my THOUGHTS become

VISIBLE to me

I went to the UPS store 

to mail some presents

& then

I thought, ya know, I'm OUT, I might as well

DRIVE the CAR

SO 

I headed for the driving CIRCLE 

where I like to drive the car

MEDITATIVELY 

BUT 

I went through the neighborhood 

& I went to the WRONG street

& I couldn't turn LEFT

HAD to turn RIGHT 

SO

NOW 

I guess we're going to ulta 

because I used to work across the street 

so THAT FAR keeps 

the car charged fine

it's like the DEFAULT setting 

BUT 

I used to enjoy ulta 

& I'm not SURE 

if Christmas 

is REAL

ho ho, hee hee, ha ha

MAYBE 

I got to spend some number of dollars to keep

some level of points

for next year

& I'm considering a haircut 

BUT 

I KINDA 

feel like I was tricked into it

I added in

ANOTHER supplement 

LIVER efficiency 

& I don't know if it's AT ALL obvious 

ALL of these

SUPPLEMENTS 

are like KINDA 

MULTI 

except the menopause 

THAT one IS 

JUST MENO 

the Astaxanthin for example 

has all this amazing stuff it does 

MOST of which

I don't have any way to check 

ONE thing

it does do is protect 

SKIN from the sun

when I was a kid

I got BURNT

BAD

all the time

I would turn BRIGHT RED

I would get chills

my skin

HURT

so

bad 

for days

AND THEN 

I would get HUGE

BLISTERS 

I guess they were, little pockets of fluid under

my SKIN which

I nearly forgot to mention 

was in the PROCESS of

PEELING 

once I FOUND sunscreen 

things improved 

BUT 

BURNING 

still happened, fairly regularly 

I stood OUTSIDE in

FULL SUN

for FIVE HOURS 

NO sunscreen 

I DID get 

BURNED

BUT 

NOT THAT bad, really 

within a couple days it wasn't even PINK anymore 

AND

it NEVER peeled

AT ALL 

I MEAN, com'mon

in my HEAD 

I'm all LIKE twirling

AROUND 

wanna hear the LIST of THINGS that

MAY or MAY NOT 

be OBJECTIVELY interesting 

I'm ALL over the place 

that mix up day date thing

I was thinking about it 

AND

the CONSORTIUM* is all LIKE 

if you're showing an interest

DON'T you REMEMBER 

you could never QUITE get

LEFT & RIGHT**

RED & GREEN***

I MEAN, mostly 

& NO

I had completely forgotten about that stuff 

*that's what I'm calling the people who know the oven isn't on, but don't mention it to me when they know I'm trying to cook

**I kinda knew them, but it was hard to learn I didn't really get the distinction right because it was all based off your write hand and unless I had a pencil in my hand both hands seemed equally usable for writing 

***red lights and green lights, I know what they mean, but I like had to keep reminding myself because red was very attractive to me and felt more like faster than stop

GOTTA go to sleep 

STUFF to do

TOMORROW 

I LOVE you 

VERY 

MUCH 🫶☕

🔥🔥🔥

I hope you DID have FUN

I had the dates wrong 

I should have 

said that

TODAY 

instead of yesterday

I can't explain that 

I feel like 

I did know the fifteenth was sunday 

I feel like

I did know yesterday was saturday 

BUT 

when I woke up so late

yesterday 

the first thing I thought was 

I don't want to miss saying something 

oh good I'm not too late

& there's the time change and all

BUT 

just now

I'm LIKE 

WAIT WHAT

SO 

I MEAN 

I'm not sure if I'm just losing it or what 

I had very involved dreams 

I was figuring sh*t out

& I slept a pretty long time

& KINDA FELT like 

I'd been working the whole time

ALL I remember was 

opening one of those rubbermaid storage

large blue container 

& it was

these beautiful birds

MAYBE ceramic 

I'm not sure

they had something round them

so they each fitted into their own little "nest"

in the protective material 

BUT 

each bird was completely 

VISIBLE

varying shades from blue to black

AND

I'm LIKE 

well I'm SURE I'll be okay

the birds are here

or words to that effect

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶🫶🫶

👾🫚

have SO much FUN 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋

OMG omg omg omg

I had a 

SEXY dream

& it ended

SCARY

I don't remember it 

ALL

I was in bed with you

I was kissing you 

it was

VERY 

TACTILE 

I opened my eyes 

you had on a light weight 

button shirt 

UNbuttoned

I cloud see your stomach 

& chest & nipples

there was more

touching 

& writhing around 

then I was in a group 

people you knew

& we were

KINDA

making EYES at each other

I positioned my hands

where they were intertwined 

& right above your 

FEET

almost touching

DON'T DO IT

said one of your friends to you

& then

there were complications 

& plot twists

Idk what all

AND

we FELL into bed

in an

ALTERED STATE

& you were touching me 

& I touched myself 

& I started to

almost immediately 

COME 

& I heard this 

CHANTING 

Millicent Millicent Millicent 

JENNIFER 

WAIT 

what is going on, now

feel inside myself 

found the g-spot

LUCIFER

WAIT 

goddammit

that's just great

I open my eyes

I see something out of Johnathan harker's journal

women stuck to the window

they're going to use

the ENERGY from my orgasm

there's nothing 

I can do about it

it startled me awake

I don't WANT to dream

about devil worship

I want more kissing & writhing around the bed

with you

I was typing this 

fell asleep 

woke up to pee

phone in bed

sleeping some more

I should 

SLEEP 

though

💋

goodnight sweetheart 

🫶I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚

SORRY 

to go on a weird 

TANGENT

I did a WHOLE supplement thing 

AND

then I became

OBSESSED 

with 

OUTERWEAR 

I THINK 

when I get 

SOME KINDA way

I HAVE to

go down some sort of rabbit hole

of RESEARCH 

to CLEAR 

the bad mood mojo

I FEEL 

MUCH

BETTER 

I've restrained myself from doing this

BUT 

I can't anymore 

I'm in a weird place 

emotionally

because I've been trying to make sense

of my mom yesterday and today 

THIS will make me

HAPPIER 

you don't have to read it

if it is TOO 

whatever 

PROTOCOL--

Beekeeper's Propolis Sinus Support 

Life Extension Menopause Relief 

Life Extension Curcumin Elite

Life Extension DNA Protection Formula

Aloha Medicinals Cordyceps

Wise Woman Herbals Lysine Immune Plus

Primaforce Cissus Quadrangularis

Igennus Astaxanthin Complex

Igennus Vegan Omega-3

Fatty15

Liposomal L-Theanine 

Chlorella

the DNA protection 

I got because it has xanthohumol

the igennus Vegan Omega-3 is basically the same thing as the Orlo except it has higher levels of DHA & EPA with some Astaxanthin to keep them stable, but it doesn't have the polar lipids

the Astaxanthin is the BEST thing I've ever taken so I decided to try their Vegan Omega-3 product 

did you know that

non-smokers

with low levels of Omega-3 

have a HIGHER all-cause mortality

than SMOKERS with high Omega-3 levels

the menopause relief 

is slightly reformulated menopause 731

which was the same as estroven multi

it's Siberian rhubarb

I had been taking two a day of one or the other

THIS one I've only been taking

ONE a day

Cissus is for meno too

bone density and weight issues

BUT 

it is also good for muscle recovery

& MAYBE 

some other magic sh*t

it was traditionally used to heal broken bones faster

I also rotate through 

a BUNCH of PROBIOTICS 

I'm down to one hundred chlorella a day

I was taking one hundred fifty

BUT 

the tablets I'm taking 

NOW 

are 250mg each

instead of 200mg

I KNOW 

it's a LOT of pills

❤️ goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚

another thing 

the pandemic* did to me

is turn me into

a bit

of a prepper

*and in fairness, the fact that Texas just decided to opt out of the NATIONAL f*CKing GRID

I CURRENTLY have 

fifty six rolls of toilet paper 

& I haven't had

LESS THAT

twenty four rolls

AT ANY POINT

good morning sweetheart 🫶 

I hope you are having 

a beautiful day 

😁

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚

🌼

I decided 

I was gonna do my healthcare blah blah 

TODAY

because you gotta do it by the fifteenth 

& I no longer wait until the 

ACTUAL last minute 

because if there's a problem 

that's TOO last minute 

SO TODAY 

AND

I REALLY didn't WANT to 

SO I managed to leverage THAT

into getting another 

CLEANING project

I've been begging myself to do for months 

I won't say

FINISHED

BUT, mostly 

it really wasn't that bad

either thing

I don't know 

WHY

it's so HARD to make myself DO

ALSO

I put my supplements in a lazy Susan

on the table

I had them on the floor, mostly 

by the chair I sit in at the table

I'm QUITE irritated 

I LIKE them on the FLOOR 

BUT 

I got the shipment today

which represents the 

FIRST monthly

RESTOCK

on the subscription from life extension 

I was looking at the old bottles earlier 

after the pills I took TODAY 

ONE pill left each

& then came the box

YAY!  I said

& put the new bottles

SOMEWHERE

THEN

after the health insurance completion 

I was all LIKE 

WOAH

I should put the one remaining pill of each

into the new bottles

NOW 

before I FORGET 

WHERE I put the NEW bottles

TOO LATE

I had to LOOK 

& cuss myself out 

& look some more

BUT 

I have found them

& done the things

& everything 

is hunky dory

this should be less

DRAMATIC 

YOU 

are so adorable with your kid

❤️

I only had those

lazy susans 

since

JULY

I'm sorry I didn't talk much

therapy was cancelled 

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚

i'm so proud 

I've always 

LOVED that one

I got that cast iron skillet 

I MEAN 

years ago now

& I had to season it

& first I had to get

the stuff 

to season it with 

& MULTIPLE 

HOT

🔥

HOURS

in the kitchen in the 

SUMMER*

*I'm pretty sure 

I just ended up 

putting it away 

I got it out

I didn't like remember it & go looking for it, as such 

BUGS 

BUT 

I asked myself 

are you pretty sure you seasoned it ONCE

YES

well let's get rid of the kitchy lavender pan

that pre1960 birmingham stove & range

is GONNA have

the juice

my gran gran had aluminum club pans

from the BIG BONUS STAMPS place

my mom had something LIKE 

Le Creuset

enamel over cast iron

I think Joan had enamelware 

Bob 

had some revereware pots & some cast iron 

SKILLETS

it's more intentional 

the maintenance of the cast iron

it's NOT hard

BUT 

you HAVE to do it

or you have

VARYING 

OUTCOMES

SOAP is not VERY good for the FINISH

BUT 

I feel like I used soap when I washed his pans

you just have to oil them

BUT 

I understand a little BETTER now, I think 

you KINDA bake in an oily waxy layer

which you have to

KINDA

maintain 

AND

that also protects the cast iron

that rusts if it gets wet

ANYWAY 

then you gotta deal with the RUST before you can cook in the pan again

you've gotta use oil

non-stick pans

are

EASIER & you don't have to use oil

I enjoy non-stick pans

I enjoy cast iron

if I have it ON the stove 

I will USE it -- which is what I bought it for 

AND

the pre1960 is because it doesn't say

MADE in the USA

1960 we officially started doing that

birmingham stove and range 

it's got the characteristic HANDLE

the dome lid

has random inverted dimples 

which SEEMS 

to be saying the same thing twice

BUT 

I've heard multiple people say it that way 

I cooked some hamburger 

seemed like a good trial run

I have this new way I do it

I don't KNOW here whether I should say

I don't really think you

WANT

the DETAILS because 

although I would 

I'm actually feeling like you MIGHT NOT

BUT 

ALSO 

I need to go to bed

SO

I'd LOVE to tell you

LATER 

teaser trailer--

is nutritional yeast really doing anything 

I'm not feeling any different 

goodnight sweetheart 💋

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶 

👾🫚

ALSO 

I've been THINKING about 

my use of the word

MASK

it's got all these

CONNOTATIONS 

that I don't really 

THINK about 

I COLLECT masks

they are all over my walls

the way you LOOKED 

in the DREAM 

was

NOT something that really made SENSE 

sort of

LIKE 

an indigenous person 

was trying to 

DRESS

to represent a CEREMONIAL entity 

but with limited natural materials 

& a sort of animistic 

VIEW of the world 

it comes out

USUALLY 

as some sort of BODY MASK or something 

BUT 

this had the quality of being 

ALSO sort of a portal

SO it was figure in the body mask SHAPED 

BUT 

actually just DARK

SO

I'm walking up

putting my face INTO the portal

not SEEing you

ONLY 

feeling you

I THINK that probably 

makes more SENSE 

the whole experience was 

HARD to put into

ANY kind of WORDS

I have no idea

what my mind is telling me 

MAYBE 

it's all the SPACE content

QUANTUM blah blah

MAYBE 

I'm working my MIND 

up to something 

MAYBE 

it's 

something else

the monkeys at the WELL 

might be

a joke I'm telling myself 

ALIEN 

is it WEIRD 

that I simultaneously 

FEEL 

like a child

& a CRONE

I just watched

I think it's called 

Inside out

it's a Pixar 

&

I ugly sobbed

through

at least the last bit

SADNESS

saved the day

the imaginary friend 

SACRIFICED himself 

SO MUCH 

STUFF 

for a cartoon 

I thought a cartoon would be LIGHT

I drove my car

my passport card came

I'm not really sure 

how I'm doing 

OBJECTIVELY 

☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️

💧💧💧💧💧💧💧💧💧💧💧💧💧💧💧💧💧💧

I just say a thing 

when you look

at a ROCK

&

it looks back at you

you should 

PICK it up

because that is your 

GRANDFATHER stone

I actually had this happen to me 

& I MEAN 

I did pick it up

BUT 

I didn't take it AWAY with me

was THAT a mistake 

did I miss some big spiritual 

SOMETHING 

I have taken it as a message that

RED JASPER 

is an important thing for me

BUT 

my ROCK is in Massachusetts 

I'm pretty sure 

I don't remember 

WHERE

a rocky BEACH

or whatever you call SEAside rocky-ness

good morning sweetheart 💋 

I don't remember 

any dreams 

BUT 

I had this IMAGE

when I was hitting snooze 

or something 

NOT AWAKE 

BUT 

not a dream either

this WELL

COVERED

with those cute little 

MONKEYS 

I think I've seen

in documentaries 

in INDIA 

SO

THAT seems 

RELEVANT 

although 

I don't know what it MEANS 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 🫶

I hope you're having a beautiful day ❤️

I gotta go to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

goodnight 🫶

👾🫚

I'm not sure why I'm so tired

MAYBE 

I'm 

THINKING 

& dreaming

TOO actively 

wearing myself out 

that SOUNDS like some kind of STORY 

BUT 

it FEELS true 

I slept 

REALLY 

LATE 

I dreamed a BUNCH of DREAMS 

& I remember some of it

there was some

CALCULATIONS 

on the stairs

I can't elaborate further but it felt like 

I was working through 

SOMETHING 

I KISSED 

I think it was you

BUT 

there was some kind of

INTERFACE

LIKE 

it looked like a 

I don't know HOW to describe 

when I woke up

I thought 

MOOSE, but it was more ABSTRACT 

the face was KINDA flat

like a mask

& simultaneously 

somewhat SOLID

BUT ephemeral, like maybe my hand might go

through 

the KISS was

KINDA INTENSE 

I can't even remember 

what it feels like to kiss someone 

& this was this kinda passionate 

FRENCH kiss

ten out of ten highly recommend 

I was GOING somewhere 

I was only taking

the clothes on my back

& my dress seemed too short

BUT 

I was wearing leggings 

SO then WHAT is the PROBLEM 

I didn't KNOW 

BUT 

I just walked down the street 

TOWARDS

I feel like I knew in the DREAM 

there WAS for SURE 

MORE 

I just don't remember 

I LOVE you VERY much  💋 

goodnight sweetheart 

I need to sleep 

🫶🫶🫶

👾🫚

the neighbor is 

SCREAMING 

SO 

SOME SPORT

must be happening 

the cat

has a hugely thick

FUR coat now

I'm LIKE 

DUDE

it's not gonna stay COLD

WHY do that to yourself 

BUT 

he just purrs

& says

FLOOFY DANGER

my passport came 

ALREADY 

not the card, though

I didn't pay for expedited shipping 

JUST

expedited processing 

BUT 

it came

PRIORITY mail

& so maybe the card is coming separately 

because it didn't come 

I need to get my driver's license renewed as well

it's been COLD here

it's in the forties

& it's dark by like five thirty

my feet are almost completely 

awake again

I don't know how else to put it

just my toes

are still partly frozen

I've been trying to 

STOP

picking my face

I have largely

SWITCHED

to KINDA 

oiling it up

& massaging my face and neck

LIKE

rolling the blackheads out

with emphasis on 

my NECK

it's NOT 💯

BUT 

much BETTER 

AND

MAYBE 

I didn't tell you 

how BEAUTIFUL 

your ST is

it is

&

I'm not the kind of person who says

oh this or that is

the BEST one

because I don't really 

think that way

BUT 

I had been thinking about that speech recently 

HOW it was important for me 

back in college

& HOW 

it HITS a little different 

to me

THESEdays 

SO

it didn't come as a surprise 

it was

ALMOST 

LIKE 

I was expecting her

& HERE she is

I LOVE the

EXTRA bits

this added to a story I already KINDA knew

BUT 

NOW 

I'm hyper fixated on the

LINES

is this true 

or

dramatic flair

I've never done pepsi 

I just saw a vid

where a young person did it

& REALIZED 

they had ADHD

their friends were all

I'm a golden god

&

they were LIKE 

HEY

I think I CAN go to college 

that ORANGE one is 

life changing 

I dreamed 

I was in the 

new age

&

there was a BUNCH of cool stuff 

& this was 

NOT 

probably

the most important 

BUT 

THIS 

is what I can remember 

STARLING re-distribution 

SYSTEM 

I gotta go to sleep 

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚

HEY 

I don't very often 

have anyone tell me what makes

THEM cry

&

KE posted a commercial 

that makes her cry

&

I am a cry at commercial g*RL from

WAY BACK

SO

I thought 

WATCH

for me

I'm not crying 

I'm not even 💯 SURE why KE is

except it's a DAD thing, probably 

&

THAT 

the fact that I CAN guess 

makes me wonder 

WHY

I usually don't know 

WHY 

I'm crying at these things

what I'm working on 

🧇🧇🧇🧇🧇🧇🧇🧇🧇🧇🧇🧇🧇🧇🧇🧇🧇🧇

the

WAFFLE 🧇 HOUSE

theory

🧇🧇🧇🧇🧇🧇🧇🧇🧇🧇🧇🧇🧇🧇🧇🧇🧇🧇

I need to sleep 

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚

I had decided to take the NIGHT TRAIN to Edinburgh-- eliminate the need for lodging expense and maximize available time by traveling while asleep.  THAT was an excellent PLAN.  It lost something in the execution.  I woke up.  EVERY TIME.  The train STOPPED.

When I arrived in Edinburgh I need COFFEE and nothing was OPEN.

I found this FANCY hotel and they were serving breakfast.  Was I STAYING in the hotel, they asked me.  I had just arrived on the night train, I explained.  I wasn't staying ANYWHERE yet, did I NEED to be.  I was desperate not to be told I had to leave, but I was QUITE certain I could not afford to stay there.  I was pretty sure breakfast was going to set me back, but I sure I could swing something.

I got the FULL BREKFAST 

& let me tell you

it was 

that OATMEAL 

I had only really had quaker instant oatmeal with raisins added, specifically usually the maple brown sugar, specifically with probably less water than normal.  

THIS was

NOT that

I'm pretty sure 

there was CREAM involved

there was a FISH

I believe there were eggs, but I remember nothing of eggs--  of TOAST there was

a PLENTITUDE 

I'm not sure how much I was going to say about Scotland.  I've been thinking about how I used to travel vs. how I travel now.  And to be honest it's not even like I'm the same person.

It has been gradual, though.

The more or less completely winging it method has it's drawbacks.  But the more or less setting myself up for success method might not be open ended enough.  This is not to do with you, but rather my planning logistics whatnot.

BUT 

in SCOTLAND 

I found this bed & breakfast 

from the INFO place

& I had this room

it was actually a little larger, but not especially 

FANCY 

or anything 

BUT 

it didn't seem to be near anybody else 

& there was a little w/c

around the corner 

in the hall

& there was a kettle 

& I bought some TEA

& I was going to go out on a 

GHOST WALKING tour

BUT 

the IDEA of walking around in the dark 

trying to find where the tour was

I ended up

STAYING in 

watching dumb american TV

in my VERY not american 

ROOM 

& for some reason 

THAT

was as much FUN 

as all the REAL 

STUFF 

this was LIKE 

I stayed with some distant relatives

they put me up

in their extra 

ROOM

& I got to giggle at the american shows

somebody though

& maybe they 

DID want to see them

I bought

SNACKS too

I don't remember the SNACKS 

I remember the TEA

I had PG tips

& TYPHOO

I went to a 

FISH & chips

on the royal mile

& I didn't know MINCE pie was not mincemeat 

SO

I bought too much food

I may not have eaten snacks there

I passed out

I was trying a new 

HHC "tincture" 

that was really more of an oil

my phone was out of 

BATTERY 

SO

I plugged it in 

& lay down 

NOT intending to fall asleep 

good morning sweetheart 

I hope you have a beautiful day 🫶

I really like that 

SHAKESPEARE 

captured

something 

the painting 

I'm talking about 

specifically 

enticing 

OK

PACHA bread

is a nice

TEXTURE 

BUT 

it got some

FUNK

it wasn't frozen 

SO

it might be

MORE 

than

NORMAL 

it's KINDA like 

sourdough 

BUT 

buckwheat

I WILL 

get used to it

& I have two loaves and two packs of "buns"

MAYBE by the time I get through that

I will want to order more

for NOW 

I will say it tastes 

OVERTLY HEALTHY 

& reminds me

of that weird Scandinavian bread

the kind that's gross untoasted

very dense and healthy 

I can't remember 

WHAT 

it's called 

it's 

FINE

for tuna

LESS

so for 

TOAST

VERY scattered today 

I'm waiting on a

FEDEX 

pacha bread-- but I doubt it's coming now

I still love my oatcakes 

BUT 

I can't order them direct because they don't ship to the US

& they are a packaged food

I didn't think I could deal with the freezer space

to store bread

BUT 

then the butcherbox & I had

some sort of irreconcilable differences

SO

black friday thirty percent off 

I decided 

I want TOAST

I've been INTERESTED in pacha

for a WHILE 

&

I'm all excited 

BUT 

WAITING 

the SCOTUS thing

I just think

they

reverse engineer the decision 

they don't use 

CONSISTENT philosophy 

& even if you don't 

AGREE with it

a CONSISTENT application of the law is 

SOME sort of 

REASONABLE 

BUT 

these people are

NOT

I'm trying to 

listen to

SOME 

NEWS

BUT 

it still SOUNDS 

CRAZY

PACHA

is

HERE

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚

I said

DESERT 

didn't I

DESSERT 

neither of those 

look spelled right to me, now

I'm SURE they are

I never get

dessert

right

it's like 

loose

&

tertiary 

I don't understand why 

I DO

ACTUALLY 

really enjoy pastry

THIS 

was an almond croissant 

from a little place near him

that he "kept open" during the pandemic 

we've talked about it before 

it's called 

RED desert DIVE

which is a pretty good name

& it WAS a VERY good 

CROISSANT 

it made me

WISH

because you KNOW I ate it right there and then

it made me WISH 

I had a cup

of this

NEW

STUFF I FOUND 

it's a mushroom coffee

AND 

it tastes GOOD 

it's made by LAIRD

the surfer

makes

SUPER FOODS to power his FLOW 

or SOMETHING like that 

I've been looking for a mushroom 

THING--

it tastes BETTER than this

BUT 

it reminds me of those

general foods international 

COFFEES

my mom drank the

SWISS mocha

which I think was the most popular flavor 

like hot chocolate + coffee

the one I liked was 

ITALIAN cappuccino 

& I mixed it with a higher water to powder ratio

I didn't want it to be

so sweet, I think 

I had never had a cappuccino 

I hadn't had real coffee YET either

& I thought it had

a hint of 

ORANGE 

I thought that was a cappuccino 

THING 

which it isn't 

& then in college 

I would go to the satellite 

get a diet hot chocolate packet

in a giant cup of hot water 

chocolate flavor water

& watch Donahue 

& he was married to THAT GIRL 

& she had written

free to be you & me

which I had read to Jason

& it was a fun thing to do

with a group of

SORT of STRANGERS 

I wished I had this new

"LATTE"

with the red desert 

DIVE 

I took this picture 

on the walk back from therapy 

the berries caught my attention 

just this one tree had them

I was telling him 

about the whole Santa as a CONCEPT story 

the story I got

true or not

about

my father & mother got divorced 

& he took me home to his parent's 

& at Christmas everyone 

got me stuff 

except him

& he was LIKE we're gonna say all this is from 

SANTA, right

AND 

they're LIKE 

NO, we're NOT doing that

and everyone 

gave me STUFF under their own name

BUT 

there was all this TALK about 

SANTA 

&

I asked a LOT of questions 

LIKE I got an encyclopedia set for Christmas 

when I was eight

so they could say--  just look it up

AND

I told him about

I don't know WHY

BUT 

for some reason 

I carried a purse in first grade

I described the purse--  it was PURPLE 

& he got all caught up 

in the PURSE 

THAT is SO 

YOU 

he says

WHAT does that mean

I'm vaguely uncomfortable 

mostly because of the 

carrying a purse 

imitation 

he did

BUT 

the point was how I lost the purse*

*but of course I had my contact info in it so some LADY from the neighborhood found it

SHE 

asked me what SANTA was bringing me 

& I'm all LIKE 

SANTA isn't bringing me anything 

SHE 

went on about how SAD it was

not to LET a CHILD believe in SANTA

AND 

I was genuinely 

CONFUSED 

about WHY he wasn't BETTER as a CONCEPT 

I thought this was

PROBABLY 

NOT 

a typical six year old thought

BUT 

he didn't seem phased

I WANT to make CLEAR 

all this SANTA talk

is NOT related to 

OUR symbology

in case you were worried that I'm trying to be

WEIRDLY JUMBLED 

it's all tied in with

that war on Christmas 

CULTURE thing

& my childhood

& my current 

I guess 

MENTAL fixation works

I really hope

you see where I'm going with this stuff 

I KNOW it's KINDA a rough Sketch

BUT 

there's SOMETHING there

I don't think I 

MENTIONED 

HOW grateful I am 

that I don't have to work retail at Christmas 

I LOVE you VERY much 

sweetheart 💋

🫶

the WAS pastry

NOT 

what he said he was bringing 

NOT 

what he supposedly forgot before 

BUT 

pastry

&

I guess I should be 

GRATEFUL 

or something, but it was never about the pastry

not as SUCH 

I'm trying to figure out 

if everything seems different 

because 

I HAVE CHANGED 

or if things are just objectly different 

I was telling him 

about my theories 

I don't know what to think 

I'm in a weird place 

I think 

& I'm trying to figure out 

if this is making sense yet

I'm NOT trying to 

say anything 

NEGATIVE 

I'm NOT 

trying to argue or cause trouble 

I'm NOT mad at anybody 

I just feel like 

the world

doesn't make much sense 

&

the patterns FEEL dangerous 

&

IDEAS, ya know

I LOVE you 

I FEEL 

LIKE 

I'm confusing you and making you

WORRY

I don't want to make you worried & unhappy 

I just want to focus 

on this stuff 

that I feel

HAPPY 

& comfortable with/about

BUT 

I don't think you'll find it interesting 

& I feel like

I should be romantic & poetic & stuff

NOT 

all nerded out

with lists of supplements I'm taking 

OR

DELICIOUS new foods

I'm just SCATTERED 

&

the DREAMS 

I can't remember 

BUT 

UNSETTLING, I think 

I'm gonna try to sleep 

I have therapy 

tomorrow 

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚

Rough Sketch:

I say happy holidays for a variety of reasons, but mostly because I think American Christmas is too much already just TOO--  & after working retail for so many years I can't honestly say that I celebrate Christmas, even if I do give some presents to some people at that time of year.  And the thing is, if I don't personally celebrate Christmas, it just FEELS kinda WRONG to be contributing to the too much.  There are other holidays being celebrated.  Yes, if you are buying Christmas stuff at Christmas time it is probably safe for me to assume you celebrate Christmas--  I'm not really worried that I'll offend you by saying Merry Christmas to you.  That is probably not the reason. 

I guess what I'm doing is refusing to do what you expect me to do. 

It doesn't FEEL that way to me.

**************************************************

We celebrated Christmas when I was growing up;  we celebrated it very much as the Standard American Holiday Trifecta:  Thanksgiving, Christmas, & New Year's Eve.  There were shows.  There was gorging.  There was emotional abuse.  There was football.

Not only was there not any JESUS there wasn't even any implied ACTUAL SANTA.  The presents came from who they came from, santa didn't bring anything--  SANTA was a CONCEPT for the spirit of giving;  we're ALL santa, kinda.

That was maybe just because I asked too many questions.  

**************************************************

I think there used to be more of a CONSENSUS REALITY.

NOT that everybody was having the same experience so much as that we all KNEW sort of what we were supposed to be pretending.  BUT now there are hundreds of channels across multiple forms of media, podcasts & other long-form interview, and all the many avenues of written word.  There's no PRIMETIME.  Everyone just decides what they want to hear and look for whoever will give it to them.

There's no CONSENSUS.

I WANTED to think that was GOOD.

MAYBE that was naive.

I had a BUNCH of DREAMS 

BUT 

I can only remember 

right before I woke up

I was sitting

on a toilet(?) on a street corner

an INTERSECTION 

& I just needed

to WIPE 

BUT 

there was a PARADE coming from one direction 

& a GROUP 

coming up beside me 

wanting to TALK to ME

& I was JUST 

STARTING 

to think

YEAH

this is SUPPOSED to be in a PUBLIC 

BATHROOM 

in other words

becoming LUCID 

recognizing it as a symbolic story

my brain has been telling me

MOST of my life 

ANALYZING it 

HOW 

are these elements different 

& WHAT does that MEAN 

WHAT 

am I telling myself 

BUT 

THEN I

WOKE Up

I'm not sure how much sense 

I've been making

I'm trying to 

WEAVE

some sort of

AMERICA // #mERic@

LIKE 

MAYBE 

I'm writing something 

OR

MAYBE 

I'm figuring out a

FRAMEWORK 

to talk in some kind of ongoing way

idk

WHAT 

I'm doing 

I'm NOT 

LIKE 

directing it

I'm ALSO not trying to freak you out

I'm ALSO 

I can't articulate it 

ROLLing OUT 

is the image I get

the map of my MIND 

I feel LESS comfortable with that imagery

I'm NOT saying 

I CAN'T talk about THINGS 

I'm just still trying to figure out HOW I'm talking about them, and I'm also trying to talk, even if I don't know what I'm talking about, and that's bound to be confusing 

I feel like I'm going to make sense 

SOONish

I'm slipping back into my

NIGHT LIFE

sleeping patterns 

war on Christmas 

is sort of about

RETAIL 

at

Xmas time

BUT 

it's ALSO about 

CULTURE war

& CIVILITY

AND

MAYBE it is an 

EXTENDED METAPHOR 

at it's base

it is

about my experience 

saying 

HAPPY HOLIDAYS 

& getting 

ABUSED for it

BECAUSE the ONLY RIGHT THING 

to say

is MERRY CHRISTMAS 

&

ANYTHING else 

is SPACE LASER level

WOKE

GOTTA sleep 

don't let me forget 

the war

on christmas

I gotta sleep 

I saw, sometimes earlier today,

well I guess yesterday 

this commercial 

& it made me

FEEL some sorta way

LIKE 

a Superbowl commercial 

john TRAVOLTA

SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER SANTA

REBOOT mojo

ended with what is almost 

CERTAINLY 

AI enhanced elongated face

THUMBS Up 

looking like the buddy Christ*

*Carlin/kevin smith

OH YEAH

& it's a CREDIT card COMMERCIAL 

SO the final line is

WHAT'S in YOUR WALLET 

I MEAN

❤️

I don't feel like

I'm quite 

CALIBRATED yet

I fixed something 

I LOVE you 

VERY 

MUCH 

almost out of battery 

not sure how much sense this makes

❤️

I LOVE the moon

I MEAN 

I love the RAIN 

the way

they move me

I THINK that's NOT something 

it's part of that

WORLD

THING

MOON 

is part of the collective unconscious 

it's not just my

PERSONAL 

moon

I WANT to

tap into

MAGIC 

too

I feel like

I'm this confusing 

CONGLOMERATION 

NOT 

JUST

of logic & whimsy

BUT 

I FEEL a lot of the time 

like I am

of two minds

LIKE 

one of me has these VERY concise

IDEAS of HOW 

I should be DOING THINGS 

BUT 

the ME that has to actually DO them

GIVES PUSHBACK 

& I WONDER if there

REALLY is a MISSION 

AS SUCH 

MAYBE 

it's less hard edged than THAT 

I've been thinking 

MAYBE 

at least PART of the MISSION 

is to FIND the things

that GIVE me

that HAPPINESS I keep saying I WANT

BUT 

can't talk intelligently about

JUST a thought 

I've been watching some Neil deGrass Tyson 

not the current show

I guess 

COSMOS

I think the episodes are from season two

I think

my brain is FULL 

I tried to take astronomy 

in college 

I MAY have told you this already

I have this weird thing

where I can't just memorize a formula

I have to at least KINDA understand where it

comes from, what it means

the prof turned out to be

sought after

for speaking or lecturing or something 

WORLD WIDE

so the class was a revolving door

of grad students 

& I took long enough to 

figure out GRAVITY 

that I just dropped 

BUT 

I really enjoyed

the book

I got to help me understand GRAVITY 

it was a book

written by Isaac Asimov 

for non-scientists

I gotta say, though

this whole

ELECTRON situation 

I don't remember anything about 

ELECTRON orbit distance

from highschool chemistry class

& THAT+the whole time traveling thing

I just think the world

is trippy

TRIPPIER than I even thought 

I haven't been able to articulate 

I've been thinking all day

I have been thinking 

about Monterey 

how different I seem

than the person 

who said 

I just want you to know 

that you are the love of my life 

I am thinking about 

the journey 

& how I've 

metamorphosed into

or am now

SOMETHING 

& I'm not sure what I'm talking about 

which is why 

I haven't said much 

BUT 

it's NOT BAD

just think-y

goodnight sweetheart 💋

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶 

👾🫚