I WAS gonna take

TOMORROW off 

BUT 

I'm going to the studio 

at least for a little while 

they did a great job

everything seems 

a little too 

HIGH 

but they're TALLER than me 

something weird 

happened 

in therapy, I forgot to tell you 

we were in LIKE 

OVERTIME 

lightning round

& I SAID something 

AND 

he's like HAha

YOU said-- I want to be POWERFUL

WITHOUT being powerful 

and I STARTED to argue

because I don't think I did say that 

he wasn't 

paraphrasing

BUT 

it didn't have the kind of AHha

of a Freudian SLIP 

BUT 

arguing just makes it STICK probably 

& idk, might be right 

I don't think 

SO, though 

PAIN

in the back left lower quadrant

if my BODY

KIDNEY stone 

CAR RACING 

gospel of moto sports

Ruby Tuesday is closing a bunch of stores

Pizza Hut too

my friend 

sent me

MOVING PICTURES on the phone

a gif?

NO a video 

this is what I'm doing in the studio, not sure it's great, but it's good enough I guess

I'm NOT sure I'm happy with this, but I think this is what it's gonna be

I arranged all the art

for the hallway

I got Donna to hang

she had these paper works

hanging with thumb tacks

which I'm actually into

BUT 

I thought it was BETTER if she did it

& THEN I wanted to move her

BIG painting 

from the back stairwell*

*that was Lucy's idea, I didn't even know it was there-- I never use that staircase

it was fun working with Donna

Lucy has this thing she does

that's like

MEANT to be validating

BUT 

I don't feel it that way

ANYWAY 

it was WORK

BUT ALSO fun

& THEN 

I left the stuff & notes

for them to HANG 

I didn't stay

OR stay for a debrief

I texted riaz 

gave him my number 

I'm all LIKE 

HEY 

I worked really hard on this 

PLEASE don't re-arrange stuff

AND

then I said to myself 

if they change it 

then they can JUST DO IT next time

& I'll do something else 

BUT 

why would they MOVE it 

THIS was the JOB 

NOBODY else WANTED 

AND 

I WALKED 

to the bus stop

I had an awareness 

I'm a third of the way

*two thirds of the way, also

it was MUCH shorter of a walk

it did look a little like rain

so I didn't stop to take

PICTURES

I got a little less cautious 

at the crosswalks 

walked 

a little 

FASTER

PRETTY GOOD day

I need to go to bed

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

💋💌👾🫚

I'm inadvertently 

TRYING something with my brother 

the other day 

he sent me an Insta message 

as follows 

there was that time when I was five years old...

I STARED into the VOID...

& I ASKED 

WHAT is the MEANING of LIFE

AND

the ANSWER came BACK

in my OWN voice

the meaning of life is to 

REMEMBER 

that time when you were a kid 

& LOOKED into the VOID --2024

AND 

I'm like f*CK the f*CK I'm saying to THAT man

& I closed the tab

BUT 

then I remembered 

I had liked a bunch of his stuff 

it was his birthday 

BUT 

I decided it was a violation of his privacy

POTENTIALLY 

it out him as a birthday boy

to post on Facebook 

if the birthday doesn't come up

& it was weird sh*t

I liked

BECAUSE it's pretty much generally weird 

BUT ALSO 

not gonna lie

hoped you'd see them

BUT 

I figured 

I just say what I was gonna say

HAPPY BIRTHDAY 

BUT 

then TODAY 

in the spirit of 

NOT being afraid of him

I JUST sort of

on the fly

DECIDED 

what was called for was

SOME sort of 

psycho - linguistic non sequitur

SO

I USED a beloved fridge magnet quote

edo samurai poet

masahide

I don't remember where I BOUGHT it 

it's like SIMULTANEOUSLY encapsulating

LIKE 

stand on one foot and recite

DO NOT that which is hateful to yourself to others

ZEN arrow POEM

that actor guy from the 70s

who was happy 

when his house burned down

I can't remember what he said to me 

I don't KNOW 

if that was a good idea 

I gotta go to bed

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 

👾🫚

there doesn't seem to be any 

TK this week

so far

idk what

FUN means

I MEAN 

I DO 

BUT I don't 

if I answered something 

that was

up in the air

waiting for an answer

I didn't know what it was

& I am unaware 

that I answered it

just in case

because I have

a vague feeling 

something happened 

if NOT 

then, nevermind that disclaimer 

I just thought of a bad way you could take 

OR maybe 

NOT sure 

DON'T do THAT 

💋❤️💌⚡🫶🎈

it's 

BOARDWALK 

hmmmmmm

WHAT does THAT mean 

I'm senile

OR

I WANTED to 

I SAW a Monopoly game image

within the last few days

SO

probably doesn't mean

anything deep

BUT 

that was FUN

I don't hate it

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋

WAIT 

NOW I have 

give my regards to broadway 

playing in my HEAD

I have no IDEA 

WHERE to even START 

with THAT one 

I can't see any way

that I'm being overly 

DRAMATIC 

I'm supposed to write a PLAY

MONOPOLY 

I USUALLY played 

the THIMBLE

& I felt like

I ALWAYS wanted the

BROADWAY/PARK PLACE

& that ST JAMES PLACE orange three

SOMETIMES I favored 

YELLOW

SOMETIMES GREEN

but I had very definite feelings

BASED in play

I need to go to bed

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

👾🫚💋

I'm NOT sure 

that I can BELIEVE that 

I am the OPPOSITE of CRAZY 

not for the least reason 

that I have used

the Google machine

LIKE 

seventeen times

LOOKING up

what is the opposite of crazy

various different ways

well

idk

I don't feel like 

I got much out of therapy 

TODAY 

I maybe threw him for a little bit of a loop

he has the same option as me

about the digging out the root

only his counts as professional 

mine doesn't 

doesn't help

just stirs stuff up

&

I'm LIKE 

OK

but can you give me

like some grounding exercise 

or SOMETHING 

so I don't feel like I'm going CRAZY 

& he didn't HAVE one

which SURPRISED me 

actually 

BUT 

he SAID 

& it didn't SEEM like 

he was just blowing smoke up my ASS

YOU are LIKE 

the OPPOSITE of CRAZY 

SO

there's THAT

&

it really did mean something 

to have him say that to me

ALSO

I forgot 

I was playing around with 

this one, but THINKING 

it would be 

BETTER 

if I had a vertical one

I think I like it BETTER 

this direction 

🤠

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

🤠👾🫚🫶

ALSO

I have had

the 

LEAVE it to BEAVER 

theme song in my HEAD 

multiple times 

& I'm STUMPED 

I watched the show 

it wasn't LIKE a FAVORITE 

I remember one episode*

*although it's possible I've conflated elements 

BEAVER finds a wallet

his father EXPLAINS 

why we turn the wallet in to the police 

or whatever it was we do do

& then LATER 

the father gives him a radio 

which was a thank you

FROM the wallet guy

or whatever 

EXCEPT it wasn't 

WARD explained it to (?)JUNE(?) later

SOMETHING about 

the VIEW of the WORLD 

BUT 

then there's that OLD JOKE 

WARD you were a little 

HARD

on the BEAVER tonight

f*CK I cannot have just HEARD it OUT someplace 

I've been trying to THINK 

HOW am I gonna 

EXPLAIN 

what happened 

my meltdown 

to my therapist 

& I think it's important to have a FOCUS 

I want ONE session resolution*

*which is, realistically, unrealistic 

I want to give out

as little EXTRANEOUS information 

NOT even because I'm unwilling to share info

JUST too much ground

MONTAGE?

BUT 

THEN 

I THINK 

am I looking for ROOT cause

OR am I just

looking to 

REBOOT 

I REALLY wish

I could come to THAT 

it LOOKS really FUN 

not finished hanging my walls

of my things

BUT 

this is the start of it

I've JUST had this IDEA

LIKE non-linear

TIME 

sort of, but in the CONTEXT 

of SOMETHING 

LIKE 

that bus stop

was ALSO 

RIGHT in front of

what used to be

a coffee shop

LATE nite

place

&

ALSO a lesbian bar

SAME place 

SO

in that spot

this whole intersection of time lines

THAT sort of 

LAYERING 

could you make a STORY

out of THAT 

MAYBE not THAT spot specifically 

❤️👾🫚❤️

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

💋

👾🫚

🫶

there's an ELEMENT of 

VAUDEVILLE 

SOMEHOW that CAME to me

e-theric-lly with 

SHAD'S* haiku

*do I have his name right, I'm not 💯

THAT

BIG BOX of that STUFF 

that was good 

they worked a lot

of the stuff

there's a WAY in which 

the SHOW is ABOUT 

the STUFF 

as much as it is ABOUT sports 

of whatever 

dialog

FREE GREG GARCIA 

people are afraid to go

to the party

FROSTBURG

I think that kind of college experience 

would have been good for me

the BAT was HANDLED 

TRY HARDER

I am REALLY enjoying this 

he's had ALS for 13 YEARS 

GLEASON 

I didn't have TIME 

to say NO

I had a guy get really pissy

when I had a suggestion 

for a MUCH MUCH faster way

you DON'T redirect the UBER 

I LIKE his

impression of CARVILLE

the ENTIRE PACKAGE 

RADIO or AUDIO 

WHATEVER 

we CALL these things

CC is a frail little girl

who has NO real physical advantage 

SO her learning curve

will not be as FAST

as some named

MEN

PHILLIES

OHTANI 

is AWESOME 

BOBBLEHEAD night

three to four hours WAIT 

TOMMY JOHN'S eighty first birthday 

I haven't thought of 

SHELLEY WINTERS

in a long time 

a MISCHIEF of MICE

SCUBOSH

why does WILBON sound

LIKE he's eaten

a some quantity of cigarettes*

before he's on in the morning 

*I don't remember if they said carton or pack & it didn't seem worth rewinding it to hear again

GOLF

is fundamentally unfair

TRAFFIC 

is fundamentally unfair 

HEY WAIT 

a "box" of wine

which actually means the stuff

with a spigot

in the fridge 

was NOT what he was talking about ABOUT 

A CASE of wine

which WAS what he was actually talking ABOUT 

on AVERAGE weights 

FORTY pounds 

I should write an email 

🤠

TK tomorrow 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

goodnight 💋

👾🫚

Views from the bus stop

Howard Hughes house

Did some work on this one

not finished 

did some stuff to this

I think it's finished 

painted some darks

not 💯 that it's finished

I'm gonna do TK tomorrow 

my head hurts

& I'm sleepy

I rearranged some THINGS 

at the studio 

to make

my mom's stuff 

LIKE refreshed

I haven't finished hanging my stuff

& I need to frame a couple things

& finish painting some of it

MAYBE 

I'll be going up there tomorrow 

I have stuff I need to do 

MONDAY has suddenly become a day off

SO I'm tempted to 

NOT go tomorrow 

we'll see 

I may yet talk myself out of it 

I THINK 

I'm going to take the bus & walk

I'm REALLY trying to 

EXERCISE 

I'm thinking about you 

& LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I'm sorry to make it brief

TONIGHT but 

I feel like

I haven't slept

MUCH 

sleep well sweetheart 💋

I guess I should also say

it's NOT 

that I ever

REALLY thought 

you were trying to 

manipulate me

BUT 

I needed a SPACE to

calibrate 

if that makes SENSE 

my mom

is difficult for me 

& has

a communication style

which I've discussed before 

is not coming from 

the inside 

BUT 

RATHER 

is purely designed to 

GET a RESPONSE 

I thought 

that all might

NEED 

to be reiterated 

good morning sweetheart 

I hope you're having a beautiful day 

❤️💌👾🫚

he probably DOES 

practice THAT shot

WHY 

are the state lines confusing 

surely after all this time

he doesn't need to be

CAGEY about facts

for legal reasons 

is THIS like

a ribbing

related 

to

something else

this is how I am 

I don't think 

most people do that

BUT 

I FELT so like myself 

NORMAL 

just now

asking you this question

I have not felt like myself for a WHILE 

IDK why the power outage 

EXACERBATED 

I think 

PART of what is going on 

I had shut down 

SEX

BUT 

I didn't THINK 

about how that also meant

there was no like current

non-trauma over-write

for the old trauma

it was just like off

SO then I KINDA start trying to 

re-introduce the CONCEPT 

but it's new

nothing 

NOTHING about sex

would be the SAME as it's ever been before

I don't know how shit works

I don't KNOW that it works

it doesn't work very well 

for me

SO

I'm KINDA exploring THAT 

I have fears I can't explain 

BUT 

I THINK 

I think I understand you

better than

I wanted to give myself credit for 

& I THINK 

you are my sweetheart 

I don't think 

you ever want to hurt me

AND

I think you don't really understand 

a bunch of stuff that is the

kinda stuff that's hard

to EXPLAIN 

about me

I think you've been in love

with crazy girls before

BUT 

I'm different 

& through the years

you've tried to use some of those templates 

& you were a little surprised 

when none of them fit

MAYBE 

that hooked you in

or maybe it wasn't such an UP time

& I was IGNITED by you

& that IGNITED you right back

I THINK 

regardless of what other things

might be more important 

to you

than me

there's a WAY in which 

you need me

& I have complex myriad feels

discussed previously 

before the trip

AND

on the trip

do you want to KNOW what 

I THOUGHT 

he's still confusing me 

BUT 

he's KIND 

he CARES about me 

I NEVER think

you would mean to hurt me

I am NOT being all weird now

because of anything you did

BUT 

I'm messed up

because I WANT you bad

& to even TRY 

is SUCH a RISK

for a lot of different reasons 

LIKE I could lose you

is the only one

that ever really makes the list for me

I thought that's what you were upset about 

back there when I was LIKE 

I don't KNOW what I did WRONG 

that I was going away

BUT 

I thought recently that you 

MIGHT have thought 

that I was CRAZY 

& you were worried 

& THEN 

I flipped out 

about that guy

AFTER I got triggered 

BUT 

I have a VERY LOCKED DOWN 

SOMETHING 

he might not have been thrusting at me

BUT I took it as

FULL ASSAULT somehow

I gotta get THAT exorcised 

I am having doubts

maybe I'm blah blah blah

YOU are wonderful 

I don't think you're trying to manipulate me 

I'm sorry I wanted to censor you 

I take it back

INSTANT CLASSIC 

db I flushed the mouse

new fan & new song in the rotation 

ep234

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

👾🫚

🫶

Second & third layer on these

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

MAYBE 

I'm taking the WRONG 

approach 

MAYBE the HOW did I f*CK up

could occasionally be 

NOT the FIRST 

way to look at EVERYTHING 

it is real hard for me NOT to

PART of it 

is the many years

of conditioning 

BUT 

PART of it

is that LOOKING for how

I'm full of sh*t

RATHER than being my mom

it is KINDA double dipping

BUT 

I'm NOT normal 

KEEP in mind 

the THING 

I DIDN'T have

was a 

DISTINCTIVE voice

it was plenty "pretty"

& what I have

NOT 

achieved

is the ability to figure out

what I want to do

when I grow up

SO

I essentially said

THIS one's got it all together

I THOUGHT that was 

HIGH PRAISE 

OH

SOMETHING just occurred to me 

WHEN I say

JUST GOOD 

I MEAN

GOOD!

as opposed to NOT GOOD

I didn't MEAN 

GOOD as opposed to GREAT

I GUESS 

THAT is a problem with me

I need to amp up

EVERYTHING 

sh*t

I have COMPLICATED feels

BUT 

I honestly believe 

THAT 

was MORE a writing vs HEARING thing

BUT 

I apologize 

I didn't mean it that way

PLUS 

I really thought 

I expressed extreme ADMIRATION 

I GAVE

PRAISE for her maturity & GUMPTION 

I said she was distinctive

BUT 

I DO have complicated FEELS 

I MEAN 

even if I didn't 

I don't have kids

I'm NOT like

all those other people 

I have no CONTEXT for 

this is what we all SAY

I think she's cool

I am just

SO SAD that what I thought was 

SO POSITIVE 

actually sounded sh*tty

I didn't say just good

I'm pretty sure I SAID 

OBJECTIVELY GOOD 

NOT good for a kid or some qualified thing*

*that is slightly paraphrased

db shout out

CITY WINERY 

gotta wear pants

MYSTIK DAN

let's all get WET people

TONY -- APPLE

dB opening for rugs & vegetables

isn't that Home Depot 

dead money honeys

didn't this person use to play baseball

DRAMATIC GOLF

SCARY AI GIFTing 

I LIKE the image

BUT 

ALSO it has just a little bit of 

some kinda of

TURF violation drama

I don't know 

if WILBON has a particular 

preciousness

about showers or bathrooms or whatever 

SPECIFICALLY 

DESERT BLOOM

HE did not seem amused 

& TONY seemed

to really enjoy

he just wants you to laugh

PRICELESS 

full points -- 

( I'm gonna stop there, though)

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

👾🫚⚡

I was starting with the one

with a db song

BUT 

I THINK I might need

CONTEXT

from the earlier ones I missed

& I cannot get

to all four tonight 

I've had a headache for hours

& I think I might

fall asleep 

if I sit still 

so just know 

I listened to the db song

& I love it

but what I said before 

SO I'm off to listen to last monday

I've got to go to bed 

I've got work 

in the morning 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I'm not sure 

what's going on 

I have to understand 

what is going on with me 

I'm NOT sure 

BUT 

I'm NOT going away 

🫶

👾🫚

I'm NOT really SURE 

HOW much I believe in ASTROLOGY 

SOMETIMES 

I think I do*

*just not seriously enough to pay a lot of attention to it

& sometimes 

I THINK 

it's kinda a gentle energy modality

ya know

BUT 

somehow 

I FELT that Pluto Transit 

I felt completely torn down, AND I thought rebuilt 

BUT now

I seem to be doing it AGAIN 

& THAT 

I MEAN 

makes a certain amount of sense 

I HAVE a lot of AQUARIUS 

AND

there's a WAY this is a metaphor, RIGHT 

to help you understand 

in a more non-threatening way

NOT that I'm SUDDENLY 

veering into

SUPERSTITION 

the THING is 

it FEELS like 

to ME 

& THIS is the PART

where I'm just kind of TRUSTING myself 

I FEEL like 

the CAPRICORN Transit 

BUILT the BRICK HOUSE 

NOW 

I HAVE the BASE*

*the word foundation would have made a better metaphor 

to build the HOUSE I WANT

I FEEL like I KINDA 

don't know how to do that 

& I have been 

HAPPILY experimenting 

BUT I think 

I have hit a BLIND SPOT 

& I keep SAYING how 

I might be full of sh*t

what that REALLY means 

is I might not be RIGHT 

I MIGHT be 

PUMPing myself UP

I might be 

lying to myself and NOT know it

my mom is NEVER wrong 

in her MIND 

if you start to think

that the way 

you think 

is the ONLY way 

RIGHT way

you blind yourself 

I don't think 

I'm doing this 

I think this arose from

the trigger

or/and

the subsequent PERFORMANCE 

which if you remember 

was SOMETHING 

I felt STRONGLY 

that I had to do

THIS whole THING 

STARTED with 

my SUBCONSCIOUS mind

TELLING me 

basically 

I wasn't gonna finish THIS LEVEL 

if I didn't FINALLY do

the WAY OUTSIDE the box

EXERCISE 

AND

I THOUGHT 

the tornado thing-y gave me

a RELATABLE narrative 

I felt pretty SURE 

I could do BETTER 

it's pretty much 

the format

I would use, like at work

my entire life

SUCCESSFULLY 

SO

MAYBE 

I was worried that I would still not be good 

MAYBE but

I again didn't demand 

that I do BETTER 

DIFFERENT MISTAKES 

was the thing I was chanting

in my HEAD

SO

I really don't think 

it was just blind panic

MAYBE 

I NEEDED to FOCUS on 

SOMETHING 

I FEEL like 

I'm getting somewhere

& the or I might be full of sh*t

ALSO 

is designed to keep me from getting my hopes up 

I think I'm up against SOMETHING 

I'm all on YouTube 

trying to hit

the right 

direction to look

ALSO 

I have been working on 

multiple AREAS

of my life

at once

SO there's a WAY

in which EVERYTHING is KINDA 

in progress 

ALREADY 

PLEASE understand 

that I AM okay 

I'm trying to be better than that

❤️💌👾🫚

I don't know 

HOW much of what I'm SAYING 

makes actual sense 

to you

MAYBE you DON'T 

have sh*t like THIS 

& MAYBE 

you don't have sh*t AT ALL 

MAYBE you are LIKE 

TOTALLY sane

BUT 

even if you aren't, which statistically 

would be more likely 

I am NOT mad at you

I JUST NOW thought

to say THIS 

MAYBE you think I'm MAD at you

RIGHT now 

I think it must be VERY stressful 

to be watching me

KINDA melt down 

BUT 

YOU are the MOST important 

PERSON to ME 

RIGHT NOW 

YOU are my ROCK 

& if you can do THAT 

I REALLY 

HATE

to put it in these TERMS

BUT 

I THINK 

it would help me to FEEL 

SOMETHING CORE

that I need to FEEL 

BUT 

didn't get

from the people

who RAZED me

I ONLY ever wanted you

to STOP the stuff

because I THOUGHT 

it would be confusing 

BUT 

it just needs

NOT to be DESIGNED

to evoke a response from me 

WHICH is such a fine line

you see

because when you do something to make someone happy 

THAT is ALSO

designed to get a response 

but in THAT case it's GOOD 

SO

it's complicated 

& I'm NOT trying to make it MORE complicated 

I JUST NEEDED a break

from what I WANTED to HEAR

if that makes sense 

I WANT YOU 

PLEASE don't go

I've got

Henrietta Esmeralda Corleone vivace 

etc

playing in my HEAD

Jason is sending me stuff 

I want you to understand 

I don't think all this

FREAK out

is about you

YOU are just

the person I AM interacting with

I'm NOT afraid of you 

I wasn't trying to say THAT 

BUT 

I've got something 

COMING up 

I THINK 

& I have this

FEELING 

it could be one of those 

CLEANING projects 

where you gotta pull everything out 

MAKE a huge mess

BEFORE 

you can SORT

EVERYTHING 

& I WORRY honestly 

about being able to DEAL 

with all THAT 

I'd rather not 

BUT I want to be HAPPY 

& I might need to

figure out my sh*t

THAT is my belief 

about how all this works

I do NOT believe 

I am in danger of off-ing myself 

PLEASE don't worry 

I'm JUST not 

MAYBE 

going to be 

SUPER coherent 

while I'm working through 

WHATEVER 

SCARY sh*t I'm NOT telling myself about 

OR

MAYBE 

it's nothing 

it would be 

DOING me a REAL SOLID 

if you could just

KINDA stand by me

while I do this

I'm SO 

NOT fragile

ADVICE 

isn't SUPER welcome 

SYMPATHY is SUPER un-welcome

BUT you can

FEEL at me

FREELY 

if that helps 

or makes sense 

I got there

and that comedian 

who it turns out

AGAIN 

NOT because I talked to him 

he KNEW Bill Hicks

& ALL those guys

SO

he's getting here the same time as me

which is just ya know 

ten minutes early for sign in

which is seven thirty

SO

I went to pee

& there was written on the wall

MAY have been there before 

BUT I'm NOTICING it NOW 

COLD HEART

WARM P*SSY

& I'm like

I can't win that one

I thought about getting a drink

or food

or something 

but

I was agitated and didn't want to 

SO I was JUST like

GO put your name in the bucket

then worry about 

that other stuff 

I started climbing the stairs 

& I literally just stopped 

I have this way

that I FEEL 

when something is

NOT good for me to do

LIKE a psychic/intuitive thing

& usually 

it becomes clear LATER 

WHY

AND I wasn't 💯 that that's what I felt 

I MEAN maybe 

I was just nervous and freaked out 

& trying to tell myself 

it wasn't just fear

BUT 

I'm prepared to believe 

that I am full of sh*t

FAKING premonition 

BUT 

I'm less about

being a b*tch to myself 

so I went outside to regroup 

NOW 

where I come down NOW 

is that

PERFORMING 

that stuff

about jason & my dad

had SOME psychological 

IMPACT

which does make SENSE 

I just didn't think about it 

or allow for it

AND

PROBABLY better

to FINISH 

THAT

before adding on

idk

I walked a different way 

SLIGHTLY 

I walked past the Hellenistic Orthodox church

& the sun was reflecting 

on the GOLD

of the ICONs painted on the wall

I should walk this way

I THINK 

& then the bells start chiming

it was seven o'clock 

I had been trying

to walk faster

I THOUGHT 

maybe I would beat my time

BUT 

I got there 7:20 so no faster

BUT 

I stood there and listened 

& looked at the icon

that hand gesture*

*I know from art history 

makes it a christ the pantocrater

which probably is just

trivia

BUT my BRAIN, ya know

I was still going over my bit

I had no idea 

at THAT point 

I was gonna bail on doing it

well

OF COURSE 

therapy is cancelled 

he says

NO POWER in the building 

I'm actually tempted 

to walk down there

to see if he's lying 

BUT 

I THINK I need

NOT to allow myself to become 

ALIENATED 

from my therapist 

I think I need a therapist 

right now

I'm SORRY if I worried you

I wasn't trying to 

AND

since I can't go to therapy 

I guess I'll be doing it here

THIS is NOT 

OPTIMAL 

PROBABLY 

good MORNING sweetheart 

I don't think I finished 

I LOVE you 

I'm not awake yet

please don't worry 

I fell asleep without sending this to publish

ALSO 

I saw the parallel 

between

Jason

& the guy on the street

HE maybe 

wants my attention 

& I feel something there

it's NOT neutral 

BUT 

you can SEE 

how dangerous he is

& maybe crazy too*

*that's just mean mean projection 

AND then

there's the intrusive memory 

which often isn't 

& really 

OKAY 

i was staying at my dad's 

sleeping on the floor

Jason was on the couch

I think 

& then all of a sudden 

he was on top of me

& he was shoving his tongue 

in my mouth

NOW even at the time

I didn't really think 

he understood 

WHAT he was doing

I was like eleven

so he was like

SIX

BUT 

since he triggered me 

& again I say

I believe 

he was saying something 

that was designed to be 

I MEAN 

NICE, right

BUT 

THAT just doesn't FEEL 

LIKE a resolved

issue

&

THAT

WORRIES me a little 

BECAUSE 

what if it's the type of 

SOMETHING 

about my dad

TRIGGERED me REAL real BAD

& it has VEVERBERATED*

*I'm not looking it up, it looks wrong to me but how else would you spell it

through EVERYTHING 

& I KINDA don't KNOW 

WHAT 

is HAPPENING 

BUT 

at the same time

I came home

I ate lentils 

ya KNOW 

I'm FUNCTIONAL 

I'm kinda 

hopeful maybe I'll figure something out 

in therapy tomorrow 

I am confused 

& slightly 

freaked out

I think I need to sleep 

I'm not trying to 

break up with you

I gave you that 281 already

I've had a bunch of sus stuff

on my phone today 

PLEASE 

be OK 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

👾🫚

I ubered after all

I'm home safely 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I don't think I can do it today 

I'm here

I'm sitting outside 

I've been here about 15 min

I'm about to cry

I am not sure what's going on 

I was climbing the stairs

& I was just

SO MUCH NOPE 

I don't want to take an Uber either

I think i'mma walk back to Westheimer 

& ride the bus home

I don't THINK 

I'm up for TK either

JUST NO

to EVERYTHING 

I don't think I am ok

BUT 

I'm not sure what is wrong 

OK

NOT my most slimming outfit 

BUT 

I think I got a kawaii thing

going on 

& I'm fixing to

WALK

Kinda scared

BUT 

NOW 

MOSTLY 

of that guy

I gotta go to bed 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

goodnight 

👾🫚

❤️

WEATHERpocalypse (edited)

I really liked the latest episode 

of WEATHERpocalypse 

I especially liked

the CENTER POINT map

trying to get it to LOAD

THEN 

find your address 

& THAT doesn't seem to MEAN anything 

THEN

AROUND the CORNER 

BIG BLUE ORB-- power outage 

I have AQUIRED

NO NEW information 

this has helped me

NOT at ALL 

I'm SO GLAD

I spent so MUCH time 

trying to get this to load

the next day

I GUESS they figured out 

what everyone NEEDED*

*to STOP calling 

*or MAYBE ya know PSA

863 thousand cases

of which 

349 thousand have been restored 

MY TAKE AWAY from this

keep your panties on

we'll get to you

YOU are NOT ALONE*

*these are not the droids you're looking for hand gesture (although I don't think I should say it)

AND

I'm standing out front of my apartment 

on the stoop

AND I'm LIKE 

what we need right now

is an ice cream truck

BECAUSE I suddenly had a FLASHBACK 

well not REALLY 

to this one time

I had damaged my vocal chords

& I had to take a week off work

AND

there was this ice cream truck

that would drive down

EVERY street

BUT mine

ECHOing like some

PSYCHOLOGICAL thriller

& I'm out wandering the streets

with a FIST FULL of dollars

is it REAL

where ARE you 

ice cream dealer

I NEED 

a red white and blue 

BOMB pop

AND the lights across the street 

GO ON

ooo ooo me next me next

AND a few minutes later

LIGHTS flash on

I swear I hear a CHEER

then off

then on, off, on, off, on, off, on

OFF stayed off

AND

the thing is

I knew there were supposed to be 

THUNDERSTORMS

ya KNOW 

SOMETHING about PTSD,

hey welcome to the neighborhood--here are the places that if it's been raining HARD for more that 20 minutes--  you shouldn't DRIVE INTO or you might DIE, etc

BUT 

I didn't initially realize 

TORNADO warning 

BUT 

THEN even when I did

I FEEL like 

we ALL know

TORNADOES are like

NORTH by NORTHWEST 

I MEAN

there was that ONE in the mid nineties 

came through MONTROSE 

KNOCKED over

my mom's CATALPA tree

& then swung through

MICHAEL JONE'S closet

NEXT street over

STYLED

his drag WIGS

BUT those were different times

AND

EXCEPTIONS prove the RULE

TORNADO warnings 

DO NOT apply to ME 

***********************

I don't think this is bad 🤠

it should have MORE 

being in the dark

PROBABLY 

HEB candle chosen in the dark

turned out to be

TEXAS front porch scent

My cat didn't want to eat in the dark

I had to hold the candle for him

& I have to bend over

and pet him

the entire

TIME 

DOWNWARD cat?

BUT ALSO 

when the power is out 

I ALWAYS want

to do SOME sort of RITUAL in the KITCHEN 

FOR REAL for real

it's a STRONG pull

HEY 

if I melted down

& embarrassed myself

I'm sorry 

I LOVE you

my point wasn't so much

I'm a big deal

people respond to me

& MORE

I am kinda afraid of men generally 

in a way

&

the idea of the human dynamic

is off-putting ENOUGH 

to be DISCOURAGING 

because 

I hadn't thought 

about THAT 

if I'm too MUCH 

& you want

JUST 

not to have to DEAL with me

I UNDERSTAND 

TODAY 

I don't want to deal with me

I LOVE you VERY much 

I hope you have a beautiful 

THANK GOD I don't live in TEXAS day

I LOVE you

VERY much 

❤️❤️❤️

AND

I realize 

SOME percent of 

the you in my HEAD 

is a construction 

& I know that isn't fair to you 

AND

I maybe am not giving jason what he needs

I'm having existential crisis

on parade

I don't want to be 

like the olds

I'm not sure I understand 

the youngs

I am worried 

I might be full of sh*t

BUT 

I DO want you to be happy 

I want to be happy too

goodnight sweetheart 

❤️👾🫚

LOOK 

idk if I'm self gas-lighting

OR if there is some way

I fundamentally 

WHAT

I may not have done

ANY particular 

configuration 

the "right" way

BUT 

if you don't feel 

how

I feel for you

then

I lose hope

God REST ye merry gentlemen 

is playing AGGRESSIVELY 

in my HEAD 

I guess

I'm not supposed to 

FREAK out

MAYBE 

OK

I am thinking 

I probably haven't used that word

CONGRATULATIONS 

I DID feel

LIKE I had conveyed that sentiment 

BUT maybe I didn't 

I KNOW I have been

WEIRD 

I have ALWAYS and ever

wanted good things for you

AND in my language 

if I was saying 

CONGRATULATIONS 

all the time

it would be like

WOW

LUCKY to get THAT 

it's like congratulating a woman*

*old school etiquette 

for getting engaged or married 

BUT 

THAT would fit, possibly 

I am happy to congratulate you 

at any level of your

choosing

I think you're awesome

I'm not surprised 

when you and cool stuff collide

OK

did I just ask

a question 

FREAK out and back down from the question 

OR

am I NOW paranoid 

I'm not lying about the ANXIETY 

I think I'm going to bed

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

👾🫚

THAT 

was NOT what I meant 

whatever is making me hear

you're so vain

in my HEAD 

it wasn't new information 

was it

I ASSUMED 

YOU were 

you KNOW how

I FEEL about OK

ALSO

I'm not 💯 that I'm thinking RIGHT 

I'm having some 

ANXIETY 

about

well at least it's not hot

I'm NOT sure

I feel like 

the universe presents me

with stuff like this

BECAUSE 

that's what I need at the time

THEN

I feel slightly CRAZY 

for saying THAT 

&

I would very much

been keeping my EYE on

AH

I see where I get

worried & stressed out

with you

I don't know 

how sharp your edge is

my dad

he was NASTY mean

with his edge

so I don't know 

am I supposed to laugh

or DODGE the punch

is it

good natured

or HURT

I want tea

REAL BAD

but

not QUITE bad enough 

to BUST out the camp stove

the kind 

of 

DARK CHOCOLATE 

that

makes you produce

STEM CELLS 

you

DON'T 

think I'm a BITCH 

& I have LIKE

QUALITY dark chocolate VIBES

about THAT 

I'm glad it's cool this evening 

it's gonna be in the nineties

TOMORROW 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

RESIST any temptation 

to interpret 

negatively 

sleep well

❤️

👾🫚

if I had realized it was likely 

that i'd lose power 

I would have planned

BETTER 

my mom has power back

SO I can walk over

& charge 

my phone

they guy on the street

his friend was

LIKE 

a carnival barker

it was obvious 

they were trying to get attention 

& I just didn't want any 

I mean I had my own sh*t

going on in my HEAD 

BUT 

then he SAID 

F*CK it

& ran across the street to his car

MAYBE that's normal for him 

OR he was upset

that he didn't get

ATTENTION 

BUT 

his COMEDY 

I found 

SOMEWHAT 

just, idk, off-putting 

& he added

that night

a bit about how bad it was

he got some BIG GIRL pregnant 

& I'm thinking 

I don't want to interact 

I don't like this guy's vibe

BUT 

then I thought about

going back there

I remembered 

comedians 

tend to

CLUMP

the girl*

*I can't remember her name 

I'm at an age

where everyone 

REMINDS me OF someone 

she* reminds me of Lesa Ann

who I did NOT like

she added

a thing about CANKLES

which I may have inspired 

I have EPICALLY BAD CANKLES

you're NOT trying to quit me

are you?

the power came on

&then

OFF 

again 

&then

the power 

FLASHED

on, off, on, off, on, off

a BUNCH of times

&then

OFF

again

🤬

still NO POWER

I LOVE you VERY much 

have a beautiful 

"THANK GOD I don't live in TEXAS" day

I THOUGHT 

it evoked a mood

BUT 

I was NOT 

TRYING to freak you out

with the RADIOHEAD & such

❤️💌👾🫚

hey my signal is bad & I'm trying to conserve battery 

SO I'm gonna say 

I LOVE you VERY much 

BUT 

I thought of another scenario

that fits all the data points

BUT MEANS 

MAYBE 

I didn't SUCK

I asked one of the other guys 

when I read the rules

that said 

DON'T CHEAT the CLOCK 

& I asked him

SO I had ALREADY been TOLD 

THAT

AND

HEY MOST PEOPLE DON'T EVEN TRY

fits THAT too 

AND the other GUY 

referenced 10 seconds 

SO it had to have been apparent 

THAT THAT was my

white crow moment

NO

THAT is histrionic

it's more just weird 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

goodnight ❤️

👾🫚

My power is out

SO

maybe later on TK

WEATHERpocalypse

cut painting short

for the day

making some changes to this one

I wasn't happy with it 

OK

SOMETHING else 

HAPPENED 

at least I now think it did

Monday 

after I walked out of RUDZ

I was standing on the street calling my Uber 

one of the comedians 

was standy

not far

from me 

talking to his friend 

I overheard a comment 

& didn't feel like 

it was required for me to comment 

I was not being spoken to 

& when I turned towards them

there didn't seem to be any attempt to

LIKE make eye contact 

it WAS about his COMEDY something 

BUT I didn't know what they were

TALKING about 

& I could have 

at least SAID congratulations 

THAT would have been the 

RIGHT thing 

I think 

SO

I have potentially 

shown myself 

to be a BITCH 

*sigh*

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

👾🫚

I WAS gonna listen 

to TK

BUT I've been in a STRANGE mood 

& I'm NOT gonna be able to 

MAKE with the NICE 

ccCRITIQUE

might be in order

BUT 

it's NOT on MY bingo card

I'll come back

WRITE 

but TK tomorrow 

❤️

Mr Roger's neighborhood 

playing in my HEAD 

goodnight sweetheart 

possibly weird day tomorrow 

should probably have

gone to bed

an hour

AGO

art supply 

with NO managers

JUST the help

I hope this hasn't been -- something 

it's about doing something 

OUTSIDE my comfort zone

it's about learning 

about myself 

I NEED 

STRETCHING 

does it all FEEL good 

I MEAN 

it KINDA depends on what you mean

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

👾🫚

edited

well

he didn't seem to think 

the awareness trickle

was unusual 

or

REALLY even interesting 

he did seem 

a little surprised that I did it

& blah blah blah 

he seems a lot more committed 

to the IDEA of me

BECOMING 

a comedian 

than makes sense to me 

& I REALLY wish

he would STOP saying 

OH you HAVE to put THAT in your ACT

BUT 

we had a fun moment 

at the end

he was telling me 

he did this keynote

& he was talking about time management 

& his big hook line was

TAKE OFF your WATCHES

AND then

they PRESENTED him

with a WATCH at the end

& he was like

CRAP I was embarrassed 

WHAT do YOU SAY to THAT

AND 

I'm all LIKE 

I CANNOT WAIT 

to TAKE THIS OFF

BEFORE that

I was all LIKE 

I KNOW 

I should probably feel embarrassed 

BUT 

I don't 

MY DEMAND of myself 

was that I write it

& DO it

I wasn't expecting to be GOOD 

the first time 

AND

the fact that I was able to

IN the MOMENT 

TAKE notes

about what I need to do differently 

& the fact that I 

DIDN'T say

Uh, UM, ya know, blah blah

NERVOUS stutter

WAS a given

that I didn't let myself down on

It's open mic nite

they didn't PAY anything 

I didn't DEFRAUD anyone

THAT is what open mic is for

LEARNING sh*t

I WANTED to be a ballerina 

BUT 

when I realized 

I was built like a line backer

& wasn't even really 

THAT good of a dancer

I didn't want to do it anymore 

BECAUSE 

THAT would have been 

SAD for me

SOME people might

just do it for FUN but that wasn't 

how I felt about it

SO

I need to do THIS 

until I understand it

WELL enough 

to KNOW what I THINK about it 

ALSO 

he seemed to think 

it was important 

that other new guy referenced me

LIKE it meant 

I made an impression 

or something 

I don't really understand that

I THINK it's cool

that it let me point to

something 

LIKE 

I helped that guy

& that it

let me laugh at myself 

through him

BUT 

I don't think that's what he meant 

well

I think today 

is the first day

where I have MORE 

I want to talk about

then I'm likely to have time for

WHY 

Jason's attempt at 

whatever that is

made me angry

&

the weird way

my awareness of

actual on the ground experience 

trickled in

for my

FIRST time experience 

NOT sure 

HOW that's gonna go

they are connected 

❤️

THANK YOU 

for letting me SHARE that with you

it really 

means a lot

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

👾🫚

I guess 

MAYBE one could say 

in general 

I do not want

SYMPATHY or

encouragement

I am not sure WHY 

BUT 

I often have unpleasant FEELS 

when they are proffered 

SO

after analysis 

I DID it

NOT well

which isn't surprising 

& I am NOT 

displeased

that thing that probably 

LOOKED like 

running from the stage

is like a default error

which JUST doesn't 

SURPRISE me either

I MEAN 

I'm dismayed 

BUT 

it makes the owie comment 

make more sense

SO

NOW it's not owie anymore 

& maybe I helped the other first timer

he was like

I have 10 seconds left 

I'm just gonna put

the microphone 

BACK

SEE

NOW 

THAT'S FUNNY NOW 

🤠😁😜

he DID die

at the beach though

the family THEORY 

is he drowned himself 

BECAUSE 

he showed my father

WHERE he was putting his wallet 

& CLEARLY 

that MEANS 

he knew he wasn't coming back 

this is the peach tree guy

& I see no FLAW in reasoning 

BUT it's also 

POSSIBLY 

wrong

Jason was there that day though

& I wouldn't 

ACTUALLY 

want to trigger THAT 

I just wish

MAN

I don't even know what to wish here

I wish he didn't trigger me

BUT it's probably 

GOOD for me 

POSSIBLY 

I actually didn't do the time right

I think I might have

THOUGHT 

I had to leave the stage

before the clock hit three

I MIGHT have 

caused him to have to

head for the stage

a few seconds early

I THINK he shook my hand

there's a WAY 

in which it's ALL 

KINDA 

a blur

OR

POSSIBLY MORE aggressive 

BUT not

ANTI-family

OR

I changed it

in the moment 

& I got a reaction 

I said

on the bucket thing

instead of possible trigger

I SAID 

BONUS ROUND

GRANDPA died at the beach

I'm just not SURE whether it was

a GOOD reaction 

I DID enjoy it though

& I enjoyed

having something unexpected 

BURST out of me

I couldn't see em at the nutcracker 

I can't see you NOW 

BUT 

I'm used to READING people

I got the impression 

all the other people 

seem to see the audience 

BUT 

I guess

be prepared not to

it's good to understand 

what the stage

feels like

from

the other direction 

STAND up

is such a short amount of time

it's like 

inoculation for something else 

MAYBE 

I didn't HATE it 

I don't want 

sympathy 

or encouragement 

I know 

most normal people 

probably would 

BUT I don't 

I did good on time

& not terrible at

remembering 

I need to practice in front of a mirror 

I guess

SO I have the physical stuff

SOLID 

I didn't realize 

I would have no visual feedback 

I need different material for next week

LESS AGGRESSIVE 

I THINK