Tuesday, December 31, 2024

I'm not doing anything special 
for new years eve
I'm not sure 
that I've
DONE 
anything for new years eve for years

I could drink
I HAVE
alcohol 

BUT 
I'm detoxing my liver
& I don't really have a desire to drink
I am very 
TIRED 

I would have slept later
BUT 
I thought I had
therapy 

I'm in bed now
if I don't pass out
I'll possibly 
WRITE something 

BUT 
I'm NOT 
at this moment 
having any
THOUGHTS which seem interesting 

I just am happy about 
they way my skin looks
I MEAN
it's not perfect 
& the huge red line*
*picking
on my forehead is not beautiful 

& I have aging 
BUT 
my under eyes looks
GOOD to me

& no makeup 

idk
how much of that is 
the anti picking routine 
& how much is the hormones 
levelling off
supplements 
skincare

BUT 
it makes me happy 
& I THINK 
I like the way I look NOW 
more than I did
ten years
ago

I hope you are having a beautiful day 
HAPPY NEW YEAR
SWEETHEART 
I LOVE you VERY much πŸ’‹ 
🫢🫢🫢
πŸ‘ΎπŸ«š
❤️


I decided to try 
making
BUCKWHEAT bread
in kinda a corn bread
CONFIGURATION 

it's okay
I MAYBE like
the fermented kind
BETTER 

BUT 
I've liked buckwheat 
since I was a kid

would you believe 
I BRUSHED this
HAIR 
when it was 
WET

therapy was cancelled today 
goodnight sweetheart πŸ’‹ 
I LOVE you VERY much 🫢
πŸ‘ΎπŸ«š
❤️
I'm NOT 
just to be CLEAR 
saying that I think YOU 
ONLY want to 
HEAR 

SEXY & FUN

I would just like to be
in a place

where I could be 
those things 

I'd like to be

I'm TRUSTING you 
to understand 
that
I'm trying to communicate 
even though 
it's KINDA 
HARD
❤️

Monday, December 30, 2024

I have felt 
a little overwhelmed 
by this whole

revisiting 
charlotte 
BUT 
there is stuff with family
&
I don't know how to talk about that

& jason keeps posting stuff
& I'm starting to feel 
LIKE 
I'm not handling myself 

LIKE 
I don't know if it is 

I'm a little down 
I guess 

it seems to me
LIKE 
MAYBE 
I don't have MUCH 
CAPACITY 

I'm NEGATIVELY judging myself 

I do not feel like
I OWE jason 
I find him
disturbing and triggering 

I don't want to go see him
I don't feel like 
I've recovered from
our previous encounters 

BUT 
I feel like
THAT SOUNDS CRAZY

& I have had this
NEW
idea of myself 

I was ALWAYS AFRAID that
I would end up in an
ASYLUM or SOMETHING 

BUT 
now I'm LIKE 

there's an option I didn't 
CONSIDER 
NO, just neurodivergent

BUT 
then I felt LIKE 
I LOST something 

LIKE 
MADNESS is artistic 
that whole creative literary tradition 

AND
what about PSYCHIC spiritual 
ON A MISSION 

all of that FEELS disrupted

LIKE 
I need to be repacked

ALSO
the art supply situation 
was more complicated than I made it sound 

I've talked about it before 

I felt like maybe I misrepresented, earlier 
BECAUSE 
I was just talking about one aspect

THEN 
I read a sub stack by the boston college mainer 
& I'm on the VERGE 
of freaking out 
AGAIN 
about the state of the country

SO
THIS is not going well
THIS think-y thing
DOWNward
SPIRAL

& then I don't want to write all that to you
BECAUSE 
AaaaAaaaAaaakkkkkkkkkkkk

isn't SEXY or FUN

BUT 
for better or not
I made myself 
WRITE it
whether 
it makes sense or not

edited the auto-corrected errors

I will say
I don't have any 
REAL way
to verify 
whether I understand people or not 

AND
I think the answer is
if I am in
regular contact 
& interacting
with the person 

then I have a lot of information to
CORRELATE 
& AGGREGATE 
AND
I have their 
REACTION to my inputs which are BASED in
my understanding 

THOSE interactions 
have SEEMED to indicate
that I understand 
people well

BUT 
if I have a less COMPLETE model
& ESPECIALLY 
if I have
some personal stuff 
that I'm viewing 
or interpreting
THROUGH 

THEN
things might go completely AWRY 

& I think the
TRIGGER for the I just don't want to do 
whatever it is anymore

is
I do not believe 
whoever it is I'm using all my energy for
CARES about me

it's not that I demand all this
ATTENTION 
or special whatever

BUT 
if it just FEELS like 
I'm wasting my energy 
I don't want to 

that doesn't seem unreasonable to me 
BUT 
since no one ever SEEMS to 
understand me

I think it comes as a shock
& I KNOW 
OTHER people 

MAKE a BIG deal about stuff 
& give all kind of demands 
before they leave
in a big
CLOUD of BAD FEELINGS 

I have witnessed 
the confusion 
& I STILL 
FEEL BAD about the art supply situation 
for example

because they feel like
SOMETHING HAPPENED 
that they don't understand 
I can tell

BUT 
I guess 
I'd have to learn to be "normal"
to avoid THAT 
& I don't WANT to be normal 

I don't know if there's any point
in trying to get 
DIAGNOSED
I am CERTAIN I am
SOME kind of neurospicy

BUT 
I SEEM to identify 
MOST
with
AUDHD-- autistic & adhd

which is the weirdest
because they 
KINDA
CLASH

I NEED systems
BUT I am 
RESISTENT 

I don't get off-track with things
as much
&
I am NEVER BORED

BUT 
SOMETIMES I 
HYPER FOCUS
& sometimes I CAN'T FOCUS
goodnight sweetheart πŸ’‹
I LOVE you VERY much 🫢
πŸ‘ΎπŸ«š
I think jimmy carter 
lived his
VALUES

I think he was a 
SHINING example of 
HUMAN capacity 
for
GOOD 

& if there is such a thing as heaven
I hope he and rosalynn
are together 
happily 
again 

I find the dying
of people 
that I grew up thinking of as giants
in one way and another

to be hard
I KNOW people die
& probably we wouldn't want to live forever 

BUT 
it's still a strange kind of
chipping away
at the world
somehow
although 
of course there are ever new people, always
& some of them might be giants too
BUT somehow 

even if they are all the all that and a bag of chips
that we could ever want
it's not the same 
somehow 

AND
we aren't SAD
that jimmy carter isn't 
with us any more 
BECAUSE 
we want him to live forever 
OR
we think his life
was tragically cut short-- it seems to me

RATHER
we KNOW that the 
WORLD is
LESS

without him in it

NOBODY lives
FOREVER 

BUT 
he REALLY used the
TIME he HAD 

to make
the WORLD a better place 


Sunday, December 29, 2024

I hope 
all that
wasn't off-putting 
I haven't really 
known what to say today

MAYBE 
I over-shared
or
was too weird

or
was too focused on me
or
made you
WORRY 

BUT 
hopefully not

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart πŸ’‹ 
goodnight 🫢
πŸ‘ΎπŸ«š

Saturday, December 28, 2024

goodnight sweetheart πŸ’‹
I LOVE you VERY much 🫢
πŸ‘ΎπŸ«š
I MEAN 
I don't know how 
COHERENT
this all is
BUT 
there's so much 

OH
& I'm not even
SURE 
what I'm doing with RIPSTOP 
it might be 
KINDA
in my HEAD 

BUT 
I could also see
FICTION 

of some kind 


edited. first I didn't say enough now I think I sound weird, the truth is YAY! and then figure out what it means

THAT
WAS
AWESOME 

it makes me
HAPPY 

I am proud
of you
but also to be part of that group 
to be someone
who you care about
& I have
all the good FEELS 

from watching the show
growing up 

blah blah blah

it was GENIUS and
it is nice to see
it USED in
SUCH
LIKE 
REINFORCING way

DOES that make SENSE 

CULTURE 
it seems like
WHAT a
SILLY
shadow

TOTALLY 

I think it's all tied up

I don't like the amount I've thought about 
that school

I tend to remember 
just tiny
fragments 

it wasn't a good year
BUT 
it seems like it 
JUST
makes me question 
WTF I was thinking 

it isn't fair
to judge your past self
as though they
KNOW
THEN 
what you know NOW 

BUT 
there is a piece of
SELFISH 
I need

BACK
AND
I FEEL like 
this is territory 

I've COVERED before 
BUT 
it's like a LOOPHOLE 

I say to myself 
MAYBE 
I am just a BAD person 

which is like a short hand 

it means 
I have thought about THIS 
THIS may NOT be
the MOST correct 
BUT 
it is what I've DECIDED to do 
or think, or believe 

and if there is some 
ARBITER 
they might not agree

MAYBE I'm bad
THAT isn't too
SCARY
I have a ton of evidence 
that what I try to do
is make
EVERYTHING better 

AND
the part we don't say aloud
is BETTER for 
WHO
ALSO
I have this
SHADOW aspect
I'm trying to 
INTEGRATE
&
BOTH 
of these situations 
SEEM pertinent 


it's this
SELFISH thing

sister kathy 
told me
I didn't care about
ANYONE but MYSELF 

BECAUSE, I think 
I hadn't turned in my SECRET SANTA gift
BUT 
my mom hadn't taken me to get it yet
I was thirteen 

I was PRETTY SURE 
whether I had a GIFT to turn in or not
was not CORRELATED

to WHO I cared about 
THAT didn't even 
MAKE 
SENSE

SO
she said it
to HURT me 

it DID 
HURT

it didn't make SENSE 

& I have this thing
ABOUT 
SELFISH 

I WANT to 
PUSH that AWAY 

BUT 
THAT isn't GOOD 

there's a blindness
OR something 

if you can't ALLOW yourself to be 
SELFISH 

that causes multiple kinds of trouble 

I'm not sure if 
I'm making any
SENSE



THEN
I'm still 
KINDA

FREAKED out
from THERAPY 

he's not going to go see his mom
for christmas 
LIKE 
he ALWAYS does 
&
he's not going to go see her before she dies

he LOVES his mom
he calls her
EVERY
DAY

& I THINK 
well, he's got death issues 
it's understandable 

I can ABSOLUTELY understand 
I was gonna say
ALL the WAYS 
BUT 
it's possible I don't 
ACTUALLY 
KNOW 
ALL

it MIGHT 
LONG TERM 
for him
be BETTER 
NOT 
to LIKE have to see her die

BUT 
then he said 
SOME other stuff 

AND
I'm all caught up in 
ASKING myself 

DO I really 
UNDERSTAND people 

or 
do I just think I do
LAST FRIDAY 
when we were almost at the whole foods 
I saw a restaurant 
I hadn't seen before 

while I was in the store
my mom looked it up

they have steaks
& gumbo
AND
just ANYTHING you could want

oh, yeah
do they have a good selection of 
VEGETARIAN options 

I don't know 

SO
is it like
AMERICAN BISTRO 

YES 
I think that's what you would call it

BUT 
ANYTHING 
I might want, other than steaks and gumbo
do you remember anything else 
OR
ANYTHING as long as what I want is steak or gumbo 

I don't remember, we could go there though 
SOMETIME

by this point we are near 
PICO'S

we could go to PICO'S sometime too
it's like yucatan mexican food
fish steamed in banana leaves
it's been there 
FOREVER 
I went there a few times with charlotte 

that long, huh
HEY
whatever happened to charlotte 

I quit her
we had had problems 
BUT 
I mean we had both been going to college 
FOREVER 
& she ALWAYS wanted us to take a class
TOGETHER 

& it was her 
LAST 
semester 

& for whatever reason the class we were taking 
was oceanography 
or maybe it was ONLY the LAB
I don't remember 

the LAB was what caused the problem 

it was at NIGHT 
& I didn't take classes at night on campus
because it wasn't 
SAFE

BUT 
she CONVINCED me 

AND
then she DROPPED after the 
FIRST class

& I'm LIKE 
NOW 
I'm ALONE on campus at
NIGHT 

and she was not even SORRY 
just a BUNCH of 
you're just a scared little white girl
there is
NO DANGER 

blah blah blah

& I'm LIKE 
BUT 
there IS DANGER 
& even if there isn't 

I TOLD you I was AFRAID 
& you told me to take the class with you

NOW 
I am stuck*
*because I needed the class and couldn't change to another time at that point because there was no room or something, I don't remember 

she SAID 
I'll be on campus 
I'll come walk with you 

BUT 
she didn't 

AND
I'm LIKE 
I don't want to do this anymore 

NOW 
I'm not trying to DEMONIZE her
I said to my mom

I LEARNED a LOT 

THEN
some number of years later
she showed up 
at videocentral 
& wanted to
go out 
for a drink

& I was LIKE 
okay I guess 

AND
I thought 
MAYBE if she just
acts like we are just picking back up

MAYBE 
I can do THAT 

BUT 
if she COMES AT me
this isn't happening 

& right out of the GATE 
she's LIKE 
WHY
did you
ABANDON me 

at the LOWEST POINT in my LIFE*

*apparently, after she graduated from university she got a divorce from her husband-- I didn't know about that, but after the never once showing up to walk with me I just told everybody to tell her I wasn't home if she called, and I think she did call, but I never called back

AND
I never called her back 
after that get together 
or called her
just no

THEN

MANY years later 
I was in Seattle
in the science complex near the space needle

I called to check in about the cat
or something 
& they had
gotten an email from some person named 
CHARLOTTE 
who they didn't KNOW 
was trying to get in touch with me 

CAN I JUST READ it to you 

I honestly don't remember 

SOMETHING about 
SOUL MATES*
*not in a love way but in the kind of 
DEPTH friendship way 

AND
I started making
a KEENING NOISE 

HEY
if I DELETE this
RIGHT NOW 
will you STOP making that noise?

YES

I had been learning and understanding 
what she FELT 
HOW she thought

BUT 
she never wanted to learn
HOW 
MY MIND
WORKED
she just told me WHY 
I was WRONG 

ya KNOW 

I never felt like she
UNDERSTOOD me
or wanted to

the racial component 

I felt LIKE 
she had reasons to distrust
she had, ya know
BAGGAGE 
&
I could HANDLE it 

BUT 
it had seemed like 
she didn't ACTUALLY CARE 
& maybe 

I was unfair 

LIKE 
she liked me
BUT 
she also, kinda, hated me

BUT 
now I understand that the WAY that
I know people 
isn't 
the way everyone 
does things

AND
MAYBE 
I shouldn't have expected it 

AND
if it wasn't possible 
if I KNEW it wasn't 
POSSIBLE 

HOW 
does that
CHANGE the STORY 

I haven't been able to 
TALK about it 

I'm still not
SURE 
what I think 

Friday, December 27, 2024

I have this
IDEA
I don't know if it is a story
or
WHAT

BUT 
it starts out in a

TOWN called RIPSTOP
my dad
& my gran gran
both died
this time of year
& SOMETIMES 

I don't think about it 

BUT 
this year
I guess I'm supposed to 

I'm sorry if I'm being concerning 

it just occurred to me 
I might be 

I'm fine 
I'm just subdued 

I gotta go to sleep 

goodnight sweetheart πŸ’‹
I LOVE you VERY much 🫢 
πŸ‘ΎπŸ«š

Thursday, December 26, 2024

BAD headache 
haven't really been out of bed
except briefly 
to feed the cat

it's raining 
like it means business 
& TORNADO watch 

one of the jumping spiders died
& she played his bit
about the 
RAINBOW bridge 
&
I cried

it's been 
a strange day
so far
goodnight sweetheart πŸ’‹ 
I LOVE you VERY much 🫢
πŸ‘ΎπŸ«š

Wednesday, December 25, 2024

AMAZONIAN dark soil


BLACK MAT
UNDERGROUND 
CITIES
SERPENT mound
MOUND A
I'm watching 
ancient APOCALYPSE 
with 
graham hancock 

😁
Happy Xmukkah
☕πŸ₯°πŸ„
goodnight sweetheart πŸ’‹ 
I LOVE you VERY much 🫢
πŸ‘ΎπŸ«š
goodnight sweetheart πŸ’‹ 
I LOVE you VERY much 🫢
πŸ‘ΎπŸ«š
THIS 
is the only
HOLIDAY candy
I've bought 

Tuesday, December 24, 2024

it's been raining 
here
for hours

the sound of the rain
& the wheels 
of the cars
on the
WET
pavement 

it's 
GOOD 
I was not feeling like talking 
& the universe 
took care of that
for me

the security guard 
I normally talk to
was leaving when I came in

& my therapist mother is dying 
so he did most of the talking

I just cried 
MOSTLY 

it's a weird 
XMAS
I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart πŸ’‹ 

I gotta go to sleep 🫢

πŸ‘ΎπŸ«š

Monday, December 23, 2024

it is kinda weird though
to have this
LIKE 
complete about face

trying to say I'm bad
because I have red hair

talking smack about me
to her friend

seeming not to have any
respect for my
time, or opinions, or feelings 

to trying to figure out 
what she needs to say
to get on my good side
or whatever 

it doesn't feel 
SAFE

if that makes any sense 

I'm pretty sure 
she hated
BOTH 
her parents 

I can remember 
DREADING 
when we would visit

it was SO TENSE and uncomfortable 
any conversation just led to
SCREAMING 

I didn't ever want to go
& she would 
BRIBE me
TELL me we would go to the 
tower of the Americas 

BUT 
we never did go
not once

I didn't feel close to either of her parents 
BUT 
I don't know if that was
because I was 
too stand-offish, or if they weren't 
WARM

I just know
I always thought of them
as HER parents 
NOT my grandparents 

I HATED san antonio 

it was just a strange vibe
OK
my mom said
thank you for taking time out of your day

& LIKE 
EVEN if that's just designed to 
get some response 
& she doesn't really mean it
I'm okay with that 

because it was not very long ago
that she picked me up
& told me all the
XTRA sh*t
she expected me to do
that she hadn't mentioned 
& I wasn't dressed for

& I was LIKE 
you didn't tell me anything about any of THAT 

& she's LIKE 
I FIGURE 
once I've GOT you for the day
I've GOT you

& I'm LIKE 
THAT'S NOT very 
RESPECTFUL 

& she's LIKE 
RESPECTFUL?!!

BUT 
THIS is part of WHY 
her helping me is
BETTER than 
me working for her

she's learning to treat me like a 
HUMAN 


like I told paul z at the time
!RESPLENDENT!

I'm going to lunch with my mom 
& then

we've got to buy her some side dishes 
or something 
& pick up her turkey 

blah blah blah 


I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart πŸ’‹
I hope you are having a beautiful day 🫢 
πŸ‘ΎπŸ«š
I have become 
a wearer of undershirts 

I live in a HOT place

I have not spent much time 
thinking about 
HOW 
to keep
WARM

since I've been having 
TEMPERATURE 
regulation issues 

I've been DISCOVERING 

I have this shirt
I didn't buy it to be an undershirt 

I got it in deep discount clearance 
from mm lafleur
it's light weight knit silk
sleeveless
I MEAN 

technically a layering piece 
BUT 
the slot it fits is
SUPER lightweight SHELL

BUT 
I WANTED something 
& I'm LIKE 

I WONDER if
that might just
FEEL GOOD 

I REALLY like it 


I have so much stuff 
I can't make it
SENSICAL 

I really MASSAGED my neck and shoulders 

my range of motion 
isn't good 

I gotta loosen up 

I also gotta go to sleep 

goodnight sweetheart πŸ’‹
I LOVE you VERY much 🫢 
πŸ‘ΎπŸ«š

Sunday, December 22, 2024

I gotta go to sleep 
goodnight sweetheart πŸ’‹ 
I LOVE you VERY much 🫢
πŸ‘ΎπŸ«š

OH
I LOVE the COLORS 
two colors
the two
together the
COMBINE/juxtaposition 
gives this
BEAUTIFUL living 
GLOW
&
the use of 
LINE

😍
I couldn't 
REMEMBER much
JUST a bit 
at the end

these three bros
I MEAN 
I THINK at least one of them 
had sports team face painting 

they did this kind of 
COMBO
high FIVE x body SLAM
& yelled

we're TRANS

which doesn't necessarily mean TRANS, exactly 

in the DREAM there was this WHOLE thing 
they each CONNECTED with 
the CONCEPT 

through people 
they were
CONNECTED to

I don't think it was ALL actually 
TRANS
I think it was MORE broadly
QUEER

AND
CONCEPTIONALLY 
more rooted to that just everything is 
OF COURSE 

EVERYONE has a RIGHT 
to JUST
BE WHO THEY ARE

& if that didn't make any sense, then I'm not sure 
HOW to make it
SENSICAL

BUT 
it was LIKE 
KAMALA & big GRETCH
take our country BACK 

it felt like THAT 

BUT 
WHAT
does that 
MEAN 
SOMETHING 
is definitely going on in
my DREAMS 

I leveled up 
I can't explain what that 
MEANS

I can't even 
define the PARAMETERS 
of WHAT has
CHANGED

there's a WAY 
it's a little 
LIKE 
anti-depressants
BUT 
NOT WEIRD 

my neck and shoulders are doing 
SOMETHING 
I am
NOT enjoying 

I'm pretty HAPPY 

the texture of clothes
is MOOD elevating

I don't know if she really missed me
I have this feeling 
she's just
THROWING stuff against the wall 

trying to find SOMETHING that STICKS 

BUT 
it might've been genuine 

it felt different 

Saturday, December 21, 2024

I woke up
with a headache 
BUT 
I'm not taking anything 
because I am 
ACTIVELY 
trying to CLEAN
my LIVER
&
I don't want to break my streak of NO 
NSAID

I hope you are having 
a beautiful day sweetheart πŸ’‹ 
I LOVE you VERY much 🫢
I'm sorry I'm not talk-y today 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart πŸ’‹
I gotta go to sleep 🫢
πŸ‘ΎπŸ«š
my mom 
said something to me
TODAY 
which surely 
she has said before 
BUT 
I'm not sure she has

it felt new

she said

I missed you

Friday, December 20, 2024

I am seeing my mom tomorrow 

I had a lot of good thinking 
TODAY

I've been trying to 
MASSAGE 
my neck & shoulders 

I had to eat
FIBER 
today 

I guess I normally eat
QUITE a bit 
BUT 
the all eggs all the time diet
had ZIPPO 

that PACHA bread 
has issues 

the bread slices
are UNMANAGEABLE 
in my FANCY f*CKing toaster
that adjusts to
ANY
size or shape

the english muffin configured
"BUNS"
TOAST fine
but have this even weirder taste 

it irritates me 
that it's all NOT QUITE enjoyable 

BECAUSE 
the taste is growing on me
& the smaller size
is better for 
the way I eat now

I've gone through 
HALF 
one of each

I had "buns" with peanut butter on
for brunch 
with the two asian pears I had left

I had "buns" with peanut butter 
& bone broth 
for dinner 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 
I'm slightly 
loopy 
I'm not sure why

I gotta go to bed 

πŸ’‹πŸ«ΆπŸ«ΆπŸ‘ΎπŸ«š

Thursday, December 19, 2024

that pub
sounds fun

I can never seem to get
fixed in my head
WHEN
is basketball season 

MARCH madness
BUT 
of course 
THAT is college

❤️
this is perhaps 
MORE of
an ASSEMBLAGE 
& I need to clean the glass & stuff
it's from nineteen ninety two
I matted & framed it
MYSELF 
I had access to a mat cutter at that time

I was living in the attic 
and there's a turning
vent thingy in the roof
&
a little baby bird
falls through 

my cat
MOON
was Johnny on the spot
& I had a little trouble 
getting the
BABY 
BIRD
away from him

BUT 
I DID 

the whole experience 
had this
FEELING 
about it

& I made this to remember it
the larger white "paper"
I made from
FIBERS 
I bought from a weaver

I had taken a workshop 
at texas art supply 
to lean to do that
TECHNIQUE 

not that long before that

I still love this piece
& the color palette 
BUT 

it never seem to "match" anything in my house 
so I rarely have it hanging 

I am going to 
HANG it
SOMEWHERE 

THIS 
is the piece I was talking about showing you 

I hope you are having a beautiful day sweetheart 
🫢
I forgot to tell you 
that last FASCIA thing
in my back & side

I KNOW 
I told you that
my turn range of motion 
GREATLY increased

BUT 
I just realized 

I used to have to stand on top toe
to reach the ceiling fan pull

NOW 
I just reach up
I can reach it easily 

BUT 
my neck and shoulders are gonna 
HAVE to be NEXT 
&
I THINK 
that's likely to be 
BAD

my scalp
is SO tight
I can't even move the skin around 

I've got to loosen up 

BUT 
my pain levels are down 
otherwise 
so much so that I haven't taken
an ibuprofen 
or acetaminophen
in LIKE 
a month 

& I'm pretty sure 
from the shoulders up
PAIN
is how
I USED to feel
EVERYWHERE 

SO
it's REALLY noticeable 
NOW 
that it HURTS 

because 
when everything is on
too much
you KINDA numb out

in a weird kinda way
LIKE 
EVERYTHING HURTS 
BUT 

there's a WAY 
you don't 
FEEL it
SPECIFICALLY 

JUST 
overall 
& it's all
FOCUSED 

on whatever is causing the problem 
RIGHT NOW 

BUT 
THIS 
has COMPARISON 
which apparently I don't SO MUCH enjoy

🫢😁🫢
πŸ‘ΎπŸ«š
I fell down another rabbit hole 
I decided I need
a warmer hat
I don't like
my touque

I saw this cashmere baseball cap
& didn't want that
BUT 
was kinda like
something similar to that
but different 

& I have maybe found it
have you ever heard
of a
STORMY KORMER

I WISH I looked good in hats
I NEVER think I look good in hats
BUT 
baseball caps
look okay
on me
if
the brim is curved enough

with the meno
my temperature regulation 
is just not that good
& I ALWAYS got
COLD easily

I find that image
complicated and intriguing 
I see something 
& I think I see
that there's 
MORE 
BUT 
I can't see the more YET, not really 
because I see what I see

I need to go to sleep 
I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart πŸ’‹
goodnight 🫢 
πŸ‘ΎπŸ«š
❤️

Wednesday, December 18, 2024

I got another chore done
TODAY 
it was on the list
for today
BUT 
it has been "planned forward" several times 

I had to haul a bunch of boxes
& bags of trash
down to the dumpster 

& it wasn't THAT bad

I hope 
I wasn't weird
about that 
it was just not something I was expecting 
because of stuff
ya know

BUT 
very cool
& earworm just us

I don't remember my dreams
from last night

I LOVE you 
🫢
I took this meandering 
WANDER
through my mind/memory
& I WISH 
I could 
put it
into
WORDS

I want to 
DREAM about you

I want my
BRAIN 
to not work
ANGLES

or whatever you want to call it
LET me

goodnight sweetheart πŸ’‹ 
I LOVE you VERY much 🫢
πŸ‘ΎπŸ«š

Tuesday, December 17, 2024

I'm drinking my
laird mushroom coffee 
& grinning 
all silly
LIKE 

I've been doing a
DIET
it's a weird diet tho

I'm trying not to eat carbs
& I'm prioritizing 
PROTEIN

I just had one meal
yesterday
& then again today 

six boiled eggs
yesterday 
I had two cans of tuna
TODAY 
I had that devil chili crisp, so good though 

the day before 
I had two meals, I had bone broth later
& I had freshe some flavor with eggplant 
CATALAN 

supplements & chlorella 
of course 

the mushroom coffee 
adds in more calories with the coconut milk 
& there are some carbs

it's not the fasting mimicking 

I found this new chlorella 
from australia 
might be
slightly
different strain
probably not 

BUT 
closer to the equator
MORE SUN
MAYBE 

plus
this brand tells you the
chlorella growth factor* in milligrams 

I'm excited about that
which is maybe
KINDA
nerdy

*chlorella growth factor is given to kids to make them grow taller if they're shrimpy
I THINK 
I didn't explain very well
when I'm not capturing all my thoughts

what that means is
although I'm 
EXPERIENCING 
the CONSORTIUM 
as separate from what I think of as me
it is ENTIRELY possible 

I just ran a program to recall
everything I DID 
DISCOVERED
that the contents of said discovery 
did not include the ACTION 
turning on the stove
&
REPORTED BACK
&
I just missed all that

SO
LIFE is possibly 
less bizarre than I'm giving it credit for 

ALSO
I MUST have KNOWN 
on some level
that I turned on the wrong street 
I went down to the bayou 
I THINK 
I even
said
HEY

aren't I supposed to TURN 
HERE when I crossed
the street I was supposed to turn on

& then said something like
NO & if so
I GUESS 
the universe is just telling us to go to ulta 

BUT 
I had decided not to go to ulta 
SO
I'm not sure how to 
EXPLAIN 

I didn't get my hair cut, though

ulta is too conventional for haircuts now
THEY aren't going to give me
MANGA hair
& THAT
is what I want

I'm going to have to cut it myself again 

I'm a little afraid 
BUT 
I wear a hat all the time now
& nobody really looking at me
it grows back

I'm probably going to try it


therapy was cancelled again 
he's still sick 😷🧸🧿 

I gotta go to sleep 
goodnight sweetheart πŸ’‹ 
I LOVE you VERY much 🫢
πŸ‘ΎπŸ«š
in fairness 
I THINK 
FASTER
than I can PROCESS 

SO
I don't CAPTURE everything 

it's like 
I JUST sense it
it's 
pre-work or idea-framing or something 

it's one of the reasons 
I like to get high

my THOUGHTS become
VISIBLE to me
I went to the UPS store 
to mail some presents
& then
I thought, ya know, I'm OUT, I might as well
DRIVE the CAR

SO 
I headed for the driving CIRCLE 
where I like to drive the car
MEDITATIVELY 

BUT 
I went through the neighborhood 
& I went to the WRONG street
& I couldn't turn LEFT

HAD to turn RIGHT 
SO
NOW 
I guess we're going to ulta 

because I used to work across the street 
so THAT FAR keeps 
the car charged fine

it's like the DEFAULT setting 
BUT 
I used to enjoy ulta 
& I'm not SURE 
if Christmas 
is REAL
ho ho, hee hee, ha ha

MAYBE 
I got to spend some number of dollars to keep
some level of points
for next year

& I'm considering a haircut 

BUT 
I KINDA 
feel like I was tricked into it
I added in
ANOTHER supplement 
LIVER efficiency 

& I don't know if it's AT ALL obvious 
ALL of these
SUPPLEMENTS 

are like KINDA 
MULTI 
except the menopause 
THAT one IS 
JUST MENO 

the Astaxanthin for example 
has all this amazing stuff it does 
MOST of which
I don't have any way to check 

ONE thing
it does do is protect 
SKIN from the sun


when I was a kid
I got BURNT
BAD
all the time

I would turn BRIGHT RED
I would get chills
my skin
HURT
so
bad 

for days
AND THEN 
I would get HUGE
BLISTERS 
I guess they were, little pockets of fluid under
my SKIN which

I nearly forgot to mention 
was in the PROCESS of
PEELING 

once I FOUND sunscreen 
things improved 

BUT 
BURNING 
still happened, fairly regularly 


I stood OUTSIDE in
FULL SUN
for FIVE HOURS 

NO sunscreen 

I DID get 
BURNED

BUT 
NOT THAT bad, really 

within a couple days it wasn't even PINK anymore 

AND
it NEVER peeled
AT ALL 

I MEAN, com'mon
in my HEAD 
I'm all LIKE twirling
AROUND 

wanna hear the LIST of THINGS that
MAY or MAY NOT 
be OBJECTIVELY interesting 

I'm ALL over the place 

that mix up day date thing
I was thinking about it 
AND
the CONSORTIUM* is all LIKE 

if you're showing an interest
DON'T you REMEMBER 

you could never QUITE get
LEFT & RIGHT**
RED & GREEN***

I MEAN, mostly 
& NO
I had completely forgotten about that stuff 

*that's what I'm calling the people who know the oven isn't on, but don't mention it to me when they know I'm trying to cook
**I kinda knew them, but it was hard to learn I didn't really get the distinction right because it was all based off your write hand and unless I had a pencil in my hand both hands seemed equally usable for writing 
***red lights and green lights, I know what they mean, but I like had to keep reminding myself because red was very attractive to me and felt more like faster than stop

Monday, December 16, 2024

GOTTA go to sleep 
STUFF to do
TOMORROW 

I LOVE you 
VERY 
MUCH 🫢☕
πŸ”₯πŸ”₯πŸ”₯

Sunday, December 15, 2024

I hope you DID have FUN

I had the dates wrong 
I should have 
said that
TODAY 
instead of yesterday

I can't explain that 

I feel like 
I did know the fifteenth was sunday 
I feel like
I did know yesterday was saturday 
BUT 
when I woke up so late
yesterday 
the first thing I thought was 
I don't want to miss saying something 
oh good I'm not too late
& there's the time change and all

BUT 
just now
I'm LIKE 
WAIT WHAT

SO 
I MEAN 
I'm not sure if I'm just losing it or what 

I had very involved dreams 
I was figuring sh*t out
& I slept a pretty long time
& KINDA FELT like 
I'd been working the whole time

ALL I remember was 
opening one of those rubbermaid storage
large blue container 
& it was
these beautiful birds
MAYBE ceramic 
I'm not sure
they had something round them
so they each fitted into their own little "nest"
in the protective material 
BUT 
each bird was completely 
VISIBLE
varying shades from blue to black

AND
I'm LIKE 
well I'm SURE I'll be okay
the birds are here

or words to that effect

Saturday, December 14, 2024

goodnight sweetheart πŸ’‹ 
I LOVE you VERY much 🫢🫢🫢
πŸ‘ΎπŸ«š
have SO much FUN 
I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart πŸ’‹
OMG omg omg omg
I had a 
SEXY dream
& it ended
SCARY

I don't remember it 
ALL

I was in bed with you
I was kissing you 
it was
VERY 
TACTILE 

I opened my eyes 
you had on a light weight 
button shirt 
UNbuttoned

I cloud see your stomach 
& chest & nipples
there was more
touching 
& writhing around 

then I was in a group 
people you knew
& we were
KINDA
making EYES at each other

I positioned my hands
where they were intertwined 
& right above your 
FEET
almost touching

DON'T DO IT
said one of your friends to you

& then
there were complications 
& plot twists
Idk what all

AND
we FELL into bed
in an
ALTERED STATE

& you were touching me 
& I touched myself 
& I started to
almost immediately 
COME 

& I heard this 
CHANTING 

Millicent Millicent Millicent 
JENNIFER 
WAIT 
what is going on, now

feel inside myself 
found the g-spot

LUCIFER

WAIT 
goddammit
that's just great

I open my eyes
I see something out of Johnathan harker's journal
women stuck to the window

they're going to use
the ENERGY from my orgasm
there's nothing 
I can do about it

it startled me awake

I don't WANT to dream
about devil worship

I want more kissing & writhing around the bed
with you


I was typing this 
fell asleep 
woke up to pee
phone in bed

sleeping some more


I should 
SLEEP 
though
πŸ’‹
goodnight sweetheart 
🫢I LOVE you VERY much 🫢
πŸ‘ΎπŸ«š
SORRY 
to go on a weird 
TANGENT

I did a WHOLE supplement thing 

AND
then I became
OBSESSED 
with 
OUTERWEAR 

I THINK 
when I get 
SOME KINDA way

I HAVE to
go down some sort of rabbit hole
of RESEARCH 
to CLEAR 
the bad mood mojo

I FEEL 
MUCH
BETTER 

Friday, December 13, 2024

I've restrained myself from doing this
BUT 
I can't anymore 
I'm in a weird place 
emotionally
because I've been trying to make sense
of my mom yesterday and today 

THIS will make me
HAPPIER 
you don't have to read it
if it is TOO 
whatever 


PROTOCOL--

Beekeeper's Propolis Sinus Support 
Life Extension Menopause Relief 
Life Extension Curcumin Elite
Life Extension DNA Protection Formula
Aloha Medicinals Cordyceps
Wise Woman Herbals Lysine Immune Plus
Primaforce Cissus Quadrangularis
Igennus Astaxanthin Complex
Igennus Vegan Omega-3
Fatty15
Liposomal L-Theanine 
Chlorella


the DNA protection 
I got because it has xanthohumol

the igennus Vegan Omega-3 is basically the same thing as the Orlo except it has higher levels of DHA & EPA with some Astaxanthin to keep them stable, but it doesn't have the polar lipids

the Astaxanthin is the BEST thing I've ever taken so I decided to try their Vegan Omega-3 product 

did you know that
non-smokers
with low levels of Omega-3 
have a HIGHER all-cause mortality
than SMOKERS with high Omega-3 levels

the menopause relief 
is slightly reformulated menopause 731
which was the same as estroven multi
it's Siberian rhubarb
I had been taking two a day of one or the other

THIS one I've only been taking
ONE a day
Cissus is for meno too
bone density and weight issues
BUT 
it is also good for muscle recovery
& MAYBE 
some other magic sh*t
it was traditionally used to heal broken bones faster

I also rotate through 
a BUNCH of PROBIOTICS 

I'm down to one hundred chlorella a day
I was taking one hundred fifty
BUT 
the tablets I'm taking 
NOW 
are 250mg each
instead of 200mg

I KNOW 
it's a LOT of pills

Thursday, December 12, 2024

❤️ goodnight sweetheart πŸ’‹ 
I LOVE you VERY much 🫢
πŸ‘ΎπŸ«š

another thing 
the pandemic* did to me
is turn me into
a bit
of a prepper

*and in fairness, the fact that Texas just decided to opt out of the NATIONAL f*CKing GRID

I CURRENTLY have 
fifty six rolls of toilet paper 
& I haven't had
LESS THAT
twenty four rolls

AT ANY POINT

good morning sweetheart 🫢 
I hope you are having 
a beautiful day 
😁
goodnight sweetheart πŸ’‹ 
I LOVE you VERY much 🫢
πŸ‘ΎπŸ«š
🌼

Wednesday, December 11, 2024

I decided 
I was gonna do my healthcare blah blah 
TODAY
because you gotta do it by the fifteenth 
& I no longer wait until the 
ACTUAL last minute 

because if there's a problem 
that's TOO last minute 

SO TODAY 

AND
I REALLY didn't WANT to 
SO I managed to leverage THAT
into getting another 
CLEANING project

I've been begging myself to do for months 
I won't say
FINISHED

BUT, mostly 

it really wasn't that bad
either thing

I don't know 
WHY
it's so HARD to make myself DO

ALSO
I put my supplements in a lazy Susan
on the table

I had them on the floor, mostly 
by the chair I sit in at the table
I'm QUITE irritated 

I LIKE them on the FLOOR 

BUT 
I got the shipment today
which represents the 
FIRST monthly
RESTOCK
on the subscription from life extension 

I was looking at the old bottles earlier 
after the pills I took TODAY 
ONE pill left each
& then came the box

YAY!  I said
& put the new bottles
SOMEWHERE

THEN
after the health insurance completion 
I was all LIKE 
WOAH
I should put the one remaining pill of each
into the new bottles
NOW 
before I FORGET 
WHERE I put the NEW bottles

TOO LATE
I had to LOOK 
& cuss myself out 
& look some more

BUT 
I have found them
& done the things
& everything 
is hunky dory

this should be less
DRAMATIC 

YOU 
are so adorable with your kid
❤️

I only had those
lazy susans 
since
JULY

I'm sorry I didn't talk much

therapy was cancelled 


goodnight sweetheart πŸ’‹ 
I LOVE you VERY much 🫢
πŸ‘ΎπŸ«š

Tuesday, December 10, 2024

i'm so proud 
I've always 
LOVED that one
I got that cast iron skillet 
I MEAN 
years ago now

& I had to season it
& first I had to get
the stuff 
to season it with 
& MULTIPLE 

HOT
πŸ”₯
HOURS

in the kitchen in the 
SUMMER*
*I'm pretty sure 

I just ended up 
putting it away 

I got it out
I didn't like remember it & go looking for it, as such 

BUGS 

BUT 
I asked myself 
are you pretty sure you seasoned it ONCE

YES

well let's get rid of the kitchy lavender pan
that pre1960 birmingham stove & range
is GONNA have
the juice

my gran gran had aluminum club pans
from the BIG BONUS STAMPS place

my mom had something LIKE 
Le Creuset
enamel over cast iron

I think Joan had enamelware 

Bob 
had some revereware pots & some cast iron 
SKILLETS

it's more intentional 
the maintenance of the cast iron
it's NOT hard
BUT 

you HAVE to do it
or you have
VARYING 
OUTCOMES

SOAP is not VERY good for the FINISH

BUT 
I feel like I used soap when I washed his pans
you just have to oil them
BUT 
I understand a little BETTER now, I think 

you KINDA bake in an oily waxy layer
which you have to
KINDA
maintain 

AND
that also protects the cast iron
that rusts if it gets wet

ANYWAY 
then you gotta deal with the RUST before you can cook in the pan again

you've gotta use oil

non-stick pans
are
EASIER & you don't have to use oil

I enjoy non-stick pans

I enjoy cast iron
if I have it ON the stove 
I will USE it -- which is what I bought it for 

AND
the pre1960 is because it doesn't say

MADE in the USA

1960 we officially started doing that

birmingham stove and range 
it's got the characteristic HANDLE
the dome lid
has random inverted dimples 
which SEEMS 
to be saying the same thing twice
BUT 
I've heard multiple people say it that way 

I cooked some hamburger 
seemed like a good trial run

I have this new way I do it

I don't KNOW here whether I should say
I don't really think you
WANT
the DETAILS because 
although I would 
I'm actually feeling like you MIGHT NOT

BUT 
ALSO 
I need to go to bed
SO
I'd LOVE to tell you
LATER 

teaser trailer--
is nutritional yeast really doing anything 
I'm not feeling any different 


goodnight sweetheart πŸ’‹
I LOVE you VERY much 🫢 
πŸ‘ΎπŸ«š

Monday, December 9, 2024

ALSO 
I've been THINKING about 
my use of the word
MASK

it's got all these
CONNOTATIONS 

that I don't really 
THINK about 

I COLLECT masks
they are all over my walls

the way you LOOKED 
in the DREAM 
was
NOT something that really made SENSE 

sort of
LIKE 
an indigenous person 
was trying to 
DRESS
to represent a CEREMONIAL entity 

but with limited natural materials 
& a sort of animistic 
VIEW of the world 

it comes out
USUALLY 
as some sort of BODY MASK or something 

BUT 
this had the quality of being 
ALSO sort of a portal
SO it was figure in the body mask SHAPED 
BUT 
actually just DARK

SO
I'm walking up
putting my face INTO the portal
not SEEing you
ONLY 
feeling you

I THINK that probably 
makes more SENSE 

the whole experience was 
HARD to put into
ANY kind of WORDS

I have no idea
what my mind is telling me 

MAYBE 
it's all the SPACE content
QUANTUM blah blah

MAYBE 
I'm working my MIND 
up to something 

MAYBE 
it's 
something else

the monkeys at the WELL 
might be
a joke I'm telling myself 

ALIEN 
is it WEIRD 
that I simultaneously 
FEEL 
like a child
& a CRONE
I just watched
I think it's called 
Inside out
it's a Pixar 
&
I ugly sobbed
through
at least the last bit

SADNESS
saved the day

the imaginary friend 
SACRIFICED himself 

SO MUCH 
STUFF 
for a cartoon 
I thought a cartoon would be LIGHT

I drove my car

my passport card came

I'm not really sure 
how I'm doing 
OBJECTIVELY 

☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️
πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§

I just say a thing 
when you look
at a ROCK
&
it looks back at you
you should 
PICK it up

because that is your 
GRANDFATHER stone

I actually had this happen to me 
& I MEAN 
I did pick it up
BUT 

I didn't take it AWAY with me

was THAT a mistake 
did I miss some big spiritual 
SOMETHING 

I have taken it as a message that
RED JASPER 
is an important thing for me

BUT 
my ROCK is in Massachusetts 
I'm pretty sure 

I don't remember 
WHERE

a rocky BEACH
or whatever you call SEAside rocky-ness
good morning sweetheart πŸ’‹ 
I don't remember 
any dreams 
BUT 
I had this IMAGE

when I was hitting snooze 
or something 
NOT AWAKE 
BUT 
not a dream either

this WELL
COVERED
with those cute little 
MONKEYS 
I think I've seen

in documentaries 
in INDIA 

SO
THAT seems 
RELEVANT 
although 
I don't know what it MEANS 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 🫢
I hope you're having a beautiful day ❤️
I gotta go to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart πŸ’‹ 
goodnight 🫢
πŸ‘ΎπŸ«š

Sunday, December 8, 2024

I'm not sure why I'm so tired
MAYBE 
I'm 
THINKING 
& dreaming
TOO actively 

wearing myself out 

that SOUNDS like some kind of STORY 
BUT 
it FEELS true 


I slept 
REALLY 
LATE 

I dreamed a BUNCH of DREAMS 
& I remember some of it

there was some
CALCULATIONS 
on the stairs

I can't elaborate further but it felt like 
I was working through 
SOMETHING 

I KISSED 
I think it was you
BUT 
there was some kind of
INTERFACE
LIKE 
it looked like a 
I don't know HOW to describe 

when I woke up
I thought 
MOOSE, but it was more ABSTRACT 
the face was KINDA flat
like a mask
& simultaneously 
somewhat SOLID
BUT ephemeral, like maybe my hand might go
through 

the KISS was
KINDA INTENSE 
I can't even remember 
what it feels like to kiss someone 
& this was this kinda passionate 
FRENCH kiss

ten out of ten highly recommend 

I was GOING somewhere 
I was only taking
the clothes on my back
& my dress seemed too short
BUT 
I was wearing leggings 
SO then WHAT is the PROBLEM 

I didn't KNOW 
BUT 
I just walked down the street 
TOWARDS
I feel like I knew in the DREAM 

there WAS for SURE 
MORE 

I just don't remember 

I LOVE you VERY much  πŸ’‹ 
goodnight sweetheart 
I need to sleep 
🫢🫢🫢
πŸ‘ΎπŸ«š

Saturday, December 7, 2024

the neighbor is 
SCREAMING 
SO 
SOME SPORT
must be happening 

the cat
has a hugely thick
FUR coat now

I'm LIKE 
DUDE
it's not gonna stay COLD

WHY do that to yourself 
BUT 
he just purrs
& says
FLOOFY DANGER
my passport came 
ALREADY 
not the card, though
I didn't pay for expedited shipping 
JUST
expedited processing 

BUT 
it came
PRIORITY mail
& so maybe the card is coming separately 
because it didn't come 

I need to get my driver's license renewed as well

it's been COLD here
it's in the forties
& it's dark by like five thirty

my feet are almost completely 
awake again
I don't know how else to put it
just my toes
are still partly frozen

I've been trying to 
STOP
picking my face

I have largely
SWITCHED
to KINDA 
oiling it up
& massaging my face and neck
LIKE
rolling the blackheads out
with emphasis on 
my NECK

it's NOT πŸ’―
BUT 
much BETTER 
AND
MAYBE 
I didn't tell you 
how BEAUTIFUL 
your ST is
it is
&
I'm not the kind of person who says
oh this or that is
the BEST one

because I don't really 
think that way

BUT 
I had been thinking about that speech recently 
HOW it was important for me 
back in college
& HOW 
it HITS a little different 
to me
THESEdays 

SO
it didn't come as a surprise 
it was
ALMOST 
LIKE 
I was expecting her
& HERE she is


I LOVE the
EXTRA bits
this added to a story I already KINDA knew
BUT 
NOW 
I'm hyper fixated on the
LINES

is this true 
or
dramatic flair

I've never done pepsi 
I just saw a vid
where a young person did it
& REALIZED 
they had ADHD

their friends were all
I'm a golden god
&
they were LIKE 
HEY
I think I CAN go to college 

that ORANGE one is 
life changing 


I dreamed 
I was in the 
new age
&
there was a BUNCH of cool stuff 
& this was 
NOT 
probably
the most important 
BUT 
THIS 
is what I can remember 

STARLING re-distribution 
SYSTEM 
I gotta go to sleep 
goodnight sweetheart πŸ’‹ 
I LOVE you VERY much 🫢
πŸ‘ΎπŸ«š

Friday, December 6, 2024

HEY 
I don't very often 
have anyone tell me what makes
THEM cry
&
KE posted a commercial 
that makes her cry
&
I am a cry at commercial g*RL from
WAY BACK

SO
I thought 
WATCH

for me
I'm not crying 
I'm not even πŸ’― SURE why KE is
except it's a DAD thing, probably 
&
THAT 
the fact that I CAN guess 
makes me wonder 
WHY
I usually don't know 
WHY 
I'm crying at these things

what I'm working on 
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the
WAFFLE πŸ§‡ HOUSE
theory

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Thursday, December 5, 2024

I need to sleep 

goodnight sweetheart πŸ’‹ 
I LOVE you VERY much 🫢
πŸ‘ΎπŸ«š
I had decided to take the NIGHT TRAIN to Edinburgh-- eliminate the need for lodging expense and maximize available time by traveling while asleep.  THAT was an excellent PLAN.  It lost something in the execution.  I woke up.  EVERY TIME.  The train STOPPED.

When I arrived in Edinburgh I need COFFEE and nothing was OPEN.

I found this FANCY hotel and they were serving breakfast.  Was I STAYING in the hotel, they asked me.  I had just arrived on the night train, I explained.  I wasn't staying ANYWHERE yet, did I NEED to be.  I was desperate not to be told I had to leave, but I was QUITE certain I could not afford to stay there.  I was pretty sure breakfast was going to set me back, but I sure I could swing something.

I got the FULL BREKFAST 
& let me tell you
it was 

that OATMEAL 

I had only really had quaker instant oatmeal with raisins added, specifically usually the maple brown sugar, specifically with probably less water than normal.  

THIS was
NOT that

I'm pretty sure 
there was CREAM involved

there was a FISH

I believe there were eggs, but I remember nothing of eggs--  of TOAST there was

a PLENTITUDE 
I'm not sure how much I was going to say about Scotland.  I've been thinking about how I used to travel vs. how I travel now.  And to be honest it's not even like I'm the same person.

It has been gradual, though.

The more or less completely winging it method has it's drawbacks.  But the more or less setting myself up for success method might not be open ended enough.  This is not to do with you, but rather my planning logistics whatnot.

BUT 
in SCOTLAND 
I found this bed & breakfast 
from the INFO place
& I had this room
it was actually a little larger, but not especially 
FANCY 
or anything 

BUT 
it didn't seem to be near anybody else 
& there was a little w/c
around the corner 
in the hall
& there was a kettle 
& I bought some TEA

& I was going to go out on a 
GHOST WALKING tour
BUT 

the IDEA of walking around in the dark 
trying to find where the tour was

I ended up
STAYING in 
watching dumb american TV
in my VERY not american 
ROOM 

& for some reason 

THAT
was as much FUN 
as all the REAL 
STUFF 

this was LIKE 
I stayed with some distant relatives
they put me up
in their extra 
ROOM

& I got to giggle at the american shows
somebody though
& maybe they 
DID want to see them

I bought
SNACKS too

I don't remember the SNACKS 

I remember the TEA

I had PG tips
& TYPHOO

I went to a 
FISH & chips
on the royal mile
& I didn't know MINCE pie was not mincemeat 

SO
I bought too much food

I may not have eaten snacks there




I passed out
I was trying a new 
HHC "tincture" 
that was really more of an oil

my phone was out of 
BATTERY 

SO
I plugged it in 
& lay down 
NOT intending to fall asleep 

good morning sweetheart 
I hope you have a beautiful day 🫢

Wednesday, December 4, 2024

I really like that 
SHAKESPEARE 
captured
something 

the painting 
I'm talking about 
specifically 

enticing 


OK
PACHA bread
is a nice
TEXTURE 

BUT 
it got some
FUNK

it wasn't frozen 
SO
it might be
MORE 
than
NORMAL 

it's KINDA like 
sourdough 
BUT 
buckwheat

I WILL 
get used to it
& I have two loaves and two packs of "buns"
MAYBE by the time I get through that
I will want to order more

for NOW 
I will say it tastes 
OVERTLY HEALTHY 
& reminds me
of that weird Scandinavian bread
the kind that's gross untoasted
very dense and healthy 
I can't remember 
WHAT 
it's called 

it's 
FINE
for tuna
LESS
so for 
TOAST
VERY scattered today 
I'm waiting on a
FEDEX 

pacha bread-- but I doubt it's coming now

I still love my oatcakes 
BUT 
I can't order them direct because they don't ship to the US
& they are a packaged food

I didn't think I could deal with the freezer space
to store bread
BUT 
then the butcherbox & I had
some sort of irreconcilable differences
SO
black friday thirty percent off 
I decided 
I want TOAST

I've been INTERESTED in pacha
for a WHILE 
&
I'm all excited 
BUT 
WAITING 

the SCOTUS thing
I just think
they
reverse engineer the decision 

they don't use 
CONSISTENT philosophy 
& even if you don't 
AGREE with it
a CONSISTENT application of the law is 
SOME sort of 
REASONABLE 

BUT 
these people are
NOT

I'm trying to 
listen to
SOME 
NEWS

BUT 
it still SOUNDS 
CRAZY

PACHA
is
HERE
goodnight sweetheart πŸ’‹ 
I LOVE you VERY much 🫢
πŸ‘ΎπŸ«š

Tuesday, December 3, 2024

I said
DESERT 
didn't I

DESSERT 

neither of those 
look spelled right to me, now
I'm SURE they are

I never get
dessert
right

it's like 
loose
&
tertiary 

I don't understand why 
I DO
ACTUALLY 
really enjoy pastry
THIS 
was an almond croissant 

from a little place near him
that he "kept open" during the pandemic 

we've talked about it before 
it's called 
RED desert DIVE

which is a pretty good name

& it WAS a VERY good 
CROISSANT 

it made me
WISH
because you KNOW I ate it right there and then

it made me WISH 
I had a cup
of this
NEW
STUFF I FOUND 

it's a mushroom coffee
AND 
it tastes GOOD 

it's made by LAIRD
the surfer
makes
SUPER FOODS to power his FLOW 
or SOMETHING like that 

I've been looking for a mushroom 
THING--

it tastes BETTER than this
BUT 
it reminds me of those
general foods international 
COFFEES

my mom drank the
SWISS mocha
which I think was the most popular flavor 
like hot chocolate + coffee

the one I liked was 
ITALIAN cappuccino 
& I mixed it with a higher water to powder ratio
I didn't want it to be
so sweet, I think 

I had never had a cappuccino 
I hadn't had real coffee YET either
& I thought it had
a hint of 
ORANGE 

I thought that was a cappuccino 
THING 
which it isn't 

& then in college 
I would go to the satellite 
get a diet hot chocolate packet
in a giant cup of hot water 

chocolate flavor water
& watch Donahue 
& he was married to THAT GIRL 

& she had written
free to be you & me
which I had read to Jason

& it was a fun thing to do
with a group of
SORT of STRANGERS 


I wished I had this new
"LATTE"
with the red desert 
DIVE 
I took this picture 
on the walk back from therapy 
the berries caught my attention 
just this one tree had them


I was telling him 
about the whole Santa as a CONCEPT story 
the story I got
true or not
about
my father & mother got divorced 
& he took me home to his parent's 
& at Christmas everyone 
got me stuff 
except him
& he was LIKE we're gonna say all this is from 
SANTA, right

AND 
they're LIKE 
NO, we're NOT doing that
and everyone 
gave me STUFF under their own name

BUT 
there was all this TALK about 
SANTA 
&
I asked a LOT of questions 
LIKE I got an encyclopedia set for Christmas 
when I was eight
so they could say--  just look it up

AND
I told him about

I don't know WHY
BUT 
for some reason 
I carried a purse in first grade

I described the purse--  it was PURPLE 
& he got all caught up 
in the PURSE 

THAT is SO 
YOU 
he says

WHAT does that mean
I'm vaguely uncomfortable 
mostly because of the 
carrying a purse 
imitation 
he did

BUT 
the point was how I lost the purse*

*but of course I had my contact info in it so some LADY from the neighborhood found it

SHE 
asked me what SANTA was bringing me 
& I'm all LIKE 
SANTA isn't bringing me anything 

SHE 
went on about how SAD it was
not to LET a CHILD believe in SANTA

AND 
I was genuinely 
CONFUSED 
about WHY he wasn't BETTER as a CONCEPT 

I thought this was
PROBABLY 
NOT 
a typical six year old thought

BUT 
he didn't seem phased

I WANT to make CLEAR 
all this SANTA talk
is NOT related to 
OUR symbology

in case you were worried that I'm trying to be
WEIRDLY JUMBLED 

it's all tied in with
that war on Christmas 
CULTURE thing

& my childhood
& my current 
I guess 
MENTAL fixation works

I really hope
you see where I'm going with this stuff 
I KNOW it's KINDA a rough Sketch

BUT 
there's SOMETHING there

I don't think I 
MENTIONED 
HOW grateful I am 
that I don't have to work retail at Christmas 

I LOVE you VERY much 
sweetheart πŸ’‹
🫢