I've been having kind of a hard time
And I was going to tell you all about it
I figured by today I would have it well under control and be ready to talk
But in fact the more I go over everything
The less sure I am
What the f*** is going on
And I talked to my mom
She texted me and she's like how are you doing today and
Earlier I had some gummies
I'm seriously sore in my gut from coughing and I'm paranoid that I've damaged myself and I just can't get myself comfortable because every position I get into I'm sure I'm f****** myself up somehow
And I had told Jason I was available Friday and Saturday and Monday and we arrived at an hour and a half on Monday morning which is my window
And we started off with so hey Jason what are your plans when do you want to get together
I think what I was supposed to do was invite them over for Christmas
But you know I I'm just really not set up for that
And I got no clues that that was what was being desired
It just started off with oh yeah we don't really have any plans
And it ended with fine you can come have breakfast with us on the last day before we leave at our hotel
so I mean I really think that that was what was supposed to happen somehow but
What he said before he came to town was hey when I get to town will connect and set up a meetup time
And what that all says to me is you know he's got his time all planned out with other people and he's just going to fit me in a little piece of time
So if what was desired was to spend the holiday with me you know if there had been some hint of that then perhaps I could have assessed my situation in a different way then you know
I mean there's a difference between I've got like a week week and a half and I've got two days
Anyway so I really don't know something happened
And I don't know how much of what I think happened is what actually happened and how much of it is something that I just created in my head based on scenarios and baggage from before but I don't think I'm completely making this up
Anyway it's not a lot of fun and I don't really want to talk about it
But then I think I got my story out of order somehow I have been having kind of a hard time cuz I'm having a lot of emotions and thinking about things overly intensely let's say
So and then I'm having this pain in my gut
I have these gummies I got that have some Delta 9 and they have a lot of CBD and the CBD really does seem to help the pain and inflammation and whatnot
And this is just inflammation I'd really just do not think I have a hernia I think if I had a hernia I would be able to poke something and it would feel really really wrong and I don't have that situation I just have a lot of stuff that when I poke it it's sore and it hurts and it doesn't feel good it feels swollen and inflamed
And I'm irritated that I'm still not feeling well that I have the gut pain and that I'm coughing up sputum now that's good it's not that kind of dark yellowy brown color that you get when you've had infection it's pretty clear so I guess that's good
So anyway I'm having this gut pain and then these obsessive thoughts and I'm like you know I'm going to take this gummy
And hopefully it's going to help with the pain and hopefully it's going to just call me the f*** down a little bit
But then I was like you know I got these other gummies that they have that have a combination of different they have Delta 8 and delta 9 and delta 10 and HHC and THCO
And I cut them in quarters but I mean no I didn't cut every single gummy into quarters I cut one gummy into quarters and I took a quarter and you know it was okay but it wasn't like amazing but it was only a quarter so this time I thought well I'll take that on top of the cbd Delta 9
But that was not a good plan
I felt a little dizzy
It's not sure I could get my tea back to my chair without spilling it all over me
So I was like that but it was starting to wear off a little
And my mom texted me how are you doing today
So she didn't get the short answer
I mean I don't know what she thinks was going on but I basically just started saying aloud the stuff that's going through my head
At one point she started like making all these like I don't know justifications or something and I was like no no no no I don't want you to do that I don't need you to do that I'm just talking about my feelings You don't need to do a whole explanation I don't want you to explain anything
I mean the stuff she was saying was not right anyway but I mean none of this was about her none of this had anything to do with her this is from my family with my father and Deborah and Jason didn't know anything to do with my mom
So anyway I don't know I think I was supposed to behave in a particular way and I did not and so then there's no longer any interest in me
But I might be wrong there might never have been any interest in me
But you know the thing is
If he had said to me hey
We're trying to have like a big family thing for Ajax
I would really mean a lot to us if you could do
Really whatever you know
I'm pretty sure I would have done it unless it was crazy you know
But it just doesn't all add up to me
First it's a meetup
Then it's we have no plans
We're totally open
Then all of a sudden they're all booked up
It just doesn't make any sense
Anyway
I mean I don't know what's going on
He said multiple times how he wants me to get to know Ajax because he thinks that we would really enjoy each other
But then he's going to be here for like 5 days and he's got me penciled in for an hour and a half
I mean I don't care if that's what he wants that's fine but if what I was supposed to do was invite them over for the holiday
And I'm here in about it like you know a week a week and a half out
That's just not really enough lead time for me I'm not prepared to take that on you know
But I don't think that's reasonable to ask of me
And you know if what you want is to get to know me better and to have a family relationship with me then you know just because I'm not prepared to Intuit that what you want is for me to invite you over when you've made it seem like you already had plans
He would still think there might be a little more time to get to know me
I mean it really makes it feel as though there isn't really any desire to get to know me that it's just kind of you know I'm on the list
And maybe I'm supposed to be more enthusiastic and jump through hoops and you know bag or something I don't know
And you know it's not a big deal
It's not a big deal either way
I just don't understand what's going on
Because I very much feel that sort of gas lighting manipulation action going on and although I know I'm probably inserting some bits of baggage into the scenario I don't think I'm inventing it whole cloth
And so the idea that
I mean I wouldn't mind to have a relationship with Jason I don't have anything against Jason I mean we live far apart we don't really any longer have anything in common our lives I mean so I don't know how much sense it makes for us to become best friends now you know I don't really know him he doesn't really know me that's unfortunate or not unfortunate it just is you know
And I'm not saying it's his fault
But I don't feel like it's more my fault you know I just feel like it's kind of the way it is
And you know when I left there he was five and we had intermittent contact from that point
So we didn't really grow up together
And you know I tried
When he was in high school and I was in college
I tried to do some things with him
And he gave me a lot of s***
Because they had those entertainment guide things where it was like buy one get one for you or something and I would use those
And he's like that's really embarrassing
And I'm like well you know you're free to pay for your half but I'm trying to treat you and I don't have enough money to just pay for the whole thing
But he somehow always had this idea that you know my mom was rich and therefore I had a bunch of money
And I didn't have a bunch of money
So you know I didn't feel like that attempt on my part to maintain a relationship with him with all that successful you know I mean we went a few places but I don't know
And then he went off to college
And that's when we started with the you know he's in town for the holidays and he would call me and be like you know can you go have coffee with me now and it's you know I don't know the middle of the night or something
And that would continue and then one time I couldn't go because I was working or something I don't know and that may have correspond with when he went to New York
Or it may of corresponded with when he graduated from the art institute
I just don't remember now
It's just the way I remember it was I would drop everything and go see him
And then one time I couldn't
And then I don't remember ever being called again
But I don't know that those things are related
It might be that he graduated from college and moved in with Jenny and started doing whatever they were doing and and that he didn't come home
Or I don't know I remember I did see him at one point
So I don't know I really don't know what happened exactly in my mind I got really busy and he was living his life and there just wasn't much intersection between our lives and we just didn't communicate with each other
And then he called me and I went to go see Dad and that was weird and unpleasant for me and he was kind of judgmental and I don't know I just felt very unsafe
And after that I just I don't know
We've had some interactions over Facebook and I haven't really enjoyed those either
I don't know
Anyway my mom asked how I was doing
And I was kind of I don't know not sober
And I just kind of started telling her
So I'm not really happy that I did that
And I thought I then couldn't turn around and tell you anything
But here I am saying something I don't even know what I'm saying
I just have a lot of feelings
And I'm not sure
I'm not sure that they're right
