goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

goodnight sweetheart

I love you

very much 💋

Today I feel strangely unwell

My stomach is upset

And I think

I don't know how graphic to be

And then my head hurts

And my nose is actively running again

Is that somehow a hangover from all the stress of the last few days

I don't know

He was

Kind of he had this thing he did where he kind of nervously laughed like he wasn't quite comfortable in himself

But then he had these other things that I didn't really see as connected to that in any way the time

This kind of judgmental thing

Finding these little sticking points

To say something to kind of put you down

Without being like super overt about it

I feel like one of the things that we did as a family was have a lot of subtext

So you're saying something

But you never really just saying what you're saying

And you know it came up somehow and was addressed which typically it wouldn't be you know with just random stuff

That I smoked the cigarettes and therefore was

I mean what he did was he turned around to Dad and was like I'm the good kid now

It was just really bizarre and uncomfortable

And he also made it very clear

And again I'm not sure how it came up was not something I was leading around to the conversation but I was a smoker of weed and therefore was a big loser

And I don't know there was just a lot of stuff you know

And then I felt like I was picking up what he was throwing down in the text and that there was more unpleasantness

And you know I understand that I bring a lot of baggage to that and so I spend a lot of time thinking well you know how much of this is just your crazy you know

And then the night before he texted me to confirm 

And so I listed off you know the details of where and when and whatever and was like confirmed and did a little gif of a dancing Christmas tree

I enjoy gifs

And part of the reason why I have found it so difficult recently to try to reconnect with him through Facebook

Is that he does those things where he rearranges the words

Or he'll quote some non sequitous thing

And I have no response to that

The thing he's saying to me doesn't make any sense to me as a thing

Maybe it's just supposed to be a springboard for something else but it doesn't work for me it just I go well that's crazy

And I mean it's really rich since I do sort of do that you know

I sort of do that in my own ways I just don't connect to that one right

But I have so much tension about the crazy I have no boundaries I have no sense of objectivity and so my brain just reads it all is bad

Danger danger stay away you know

So he text me to confirm

And I confirm

And he text me back the entire lyrics of a ween song

And I'm like I have no contacts for this song right maybe it is a song that was played in a movie maybe it's a song that was played in some other context where the context that it happened was important and I don't even really know who ween is

I don't have any context for the song

So the next thing I do is I say okay well what are the lyrics of the song and I'm reading them and they are very threatening to me

The song is like it's going to be a long night or something like that

This means nothing to me but the lyrics are specifically threatening

And I'm literally like

Is he really angry with me

Do I need to be afraid

Is it going to be some kind of big horrible scene

Is he ironically saying it's going to be a long night waiting to see me in the morning

Is this some way that he's being nasty because if I'm getting a reaction from my father or Deborah you know it's at least as likely that what they would say would be some nasty biting insulting thing if they felt like you've in any way slighted them

So

I took an Uber over to the hotel Derek

And I wore my new wool dress

That parade place that makes the bras they had some leggings that were on sale like 75% off so they were like $10 each so I got some and they're really thin for pants but they're a great weight for tights but they're not tight like tights so they're more comfortable so I'm very pleased with them and I got one color that is almost exactly almost the same color as the dress it's a little bit less red and it's a little bit darker so it's not exactly the same color but it's kind of almost like an ombre

So I wore those

For shoes I wore my MBT shoes they're like a very pale bluey gray color with a very pale pink and their lace up and they're I mean for me kind of dainty looking those are kind of like my my girly shoes

But they're also good if you have to stand or walk around all day they're nice shoes

But I particularly like the look of them for some reason that kind of like light gray color and actually it's supposed to be blue but it's reads to me like like gray I really really like shoes that color I don't know why you'd think it would be black shoes but no I like that lighter color even if it doesn't specifically match

I wore the '90s the new '90s earrings and the ring and the chain and I just wore the chain alone as a chain like you would do if you had a really fine chain but this is a really cheap staying the steel chain and it I don't know it really worked for me

And my new silver gunmetally windbreaker which is really one of my favorite pieces of clothing now it was cold it was like 30° and I just wore that light dress and the leggings and the windbreaker and I was fine I was fine I felt so

I started to say modern

And I was like no that isn't what modern means

And then I started to say contemporary

And I'm like no that is what I mean

So then where am I going from there like Futurama

City Chic

I did not wear the hat

I love the hat

But I didn't want to have a bunch of things I had to juggle because I didn't know what the seating configuration was going to be like

And there's nothing that will f****** your cool faster than having extra items you don't know what to do with

I pulled my hair back that way that I do

Pull it into a ponytail I have these kind of neutral cloth scrunchies

They don't pull my hair out as bad as some kind of a rubber band or something

So I pull my hair through twice in a ponytail

And then I go to pull it through a third time but I don't pull it all the way through so it makes kind of a loop and then I put another scrunchie thing around it another direction so that it's kind of contained in a big hair and fabric thing that I don't even know exactly what it looks like but nobody's ever said oh your hair's all f***** up

So I assume it's fine

And then makeup

I've recently rediscovered

Some bare minerals concealer

It's a powder concealer and what I would do is I would concentrate on any area where I need to coverage and then just do a very light dusting on everything else

So I did that

And then I've got this I think it's ciate so-called extraordinary powder

And it does leave a really nice finish so I put some of that on

But then I said well I don't know

And over the top of that I put I have this primer it's a neutralizing primer and it's got some coverage to it

And I put like kind of a light padding on of that over the top of it

So I felt like it gave me a no makeup look

While making my skin look really good

And I was all like okay I really have no idea what this is going to be like but I felt prepared you know something about feeling like you're put together and you you've kind of put on the gauntlet or whatever

But I was absolutely not going into it like I expect this to be bad you know I was just very I don't know I don't know what this is going to be like I don't know what to expect but

I did look at the menu online so I figured out what I was going to do

They had on their breakfast tacos they had an add-on for guacamole

And they had wheat toast

And they had eggs

So I was going to ask them if I could get wheat toast avocado toast with a poached egg on each one well I didn't even ask that I asked to poached eggs

And the guy looked at me and he's like yeah absolutely we can do that

And Ajax looked at me

Like I had dropped from the sky somehow

He turned to the guy and was like I want that exact same thing

And he's like that is so smart what you just did there

Now I had no idea

That that was going to happen

I just wanted avocado toast

And wasn't overly enthusiastic about the rest of the menu

But I enjoyed the hell out of it

And

He baked cinnamon rolls

Did Ajax

And he gave me one of the cinnamon rolls he had baked

Which was also kind of magic

And I also

In addition to buying presents for the kid

And I wasn't 100% certain you know

He's 11

And he's an art kid or artsy kid but that can mean a lot of different things

So I went pretty basic

I went mixed media

So I got him my favorite mixed media paper pad The Strathmore mixed media I want to say it's 180 lb it's white and it's got a big thistle on it

And then I got him a pad of this new Hannemuhle bamboo paper which is you know sustainable and also has a really interesting texture kind of the way it absorbs water it's just very pleasant to paint on

So I got him those two papers that I thought he might enjoy and I also got these they're quite interesting their watercolors

Which really just means pigment that's held together with a gum Arabic substance it's very much a pure pigment

But these are watercolor sticks

Which isn't really a new technology

But it is new to me

And I do not believe it is well-known to people who are outside of the immediate watercolor community

So it's not like oh he's likely to have these you know

But he can draw with them he can wet them and get different effects he can use a water pin which I also got him to do watercolor painting with them they're just an interesting thing that he's unlikely to have played with before I think

And then I got some pencils der went I think they're all charcoally kind of pencils but in different shades of gray and brown and white but not bright colors for sketching or whatever and they're also water soluble so he can get different effects with those

And I'm not sure how specifically interested he was in them but he was you know interested he was interested it was stuff he hadn't seen before so he played with him a little and

And if he doesn't like them Jason will take them and use them because he was all like oh I might have to borrow those so I think we're fine

Also

And this is really telling about the degree to which I need to keep up with the hipsters

I made the wrapping paper

Now I couldn't do the paper pads because I don't have a huge sheet of something I can paint on I only have sheets of paper which I only have in sizes roughly equal to the container of papers front so obviously the only way I could wrap that is if I used multiple pieces of paper and put them together somehow and this paper is kind of thick and I just was like I cannot make that work after having wrapped the smaller ones

So I used my paper that I had on hand which is black with a mat bronze leafy something I mean like that that's the wrapping paper I would use for whatever I needed to wrap

I don't have rolls of Christmas wrapping paper I have sometimes in the past bought rolls of Christmas wrapping paper before I was going to wrap Christmas gifts for people

But I don't have people

So I have some pretty specifically not Christmas wrapping paper but it could work for Christmas I guess it's all purpose paper

So I had that for the for the bigger pads and I just put those together so it was one thing

And then the other stuff the smallest one the watercolor things I painted a piece of paper very densely painted with Scarlet red and doxazine purple and pretty much just those colors but mixed all kind of together and it looked really good and so then I was like okay well that's exciting

But I had a couple of pieces of paper that I had used already to play to see how the agave paper and the bamboo paper compared to one another and so I was like well I have those I'm not really using those for anything and they're white and red and they're pretty so just use those and then it's you know like upcycling it

And then I had all those in a brown paper handle bag

And Jason was like oh the obligatory gifts and I'm like just for the kid

But then you know after he opened the presents and whatnot and even really during that Jason just started talking

Like he hadn't seen me forever and

Wanted to catch up

So he's you know I was all worried about there being a lot of questions of me and whatever because that's kind of you know just what I was expecting that well what are you doing You know how are you not doing what you should be doing or whatever

But he just started talking and oh my God

So last time I saw him was in 2007

At the holiday is time

So I mean it's full 15 years ago

So he was 35

And now he's 50

He got hit by a car

He had really bad sciatica

He started smoking pot as a pain management thing for the sciatica

He had therapy

He had depression

For the depression he took bunches and bunches of mushrooms apparently

So like when I had talked to Jason about my depression in the past this is what Jason said to me about depression

I don't believe in depression

It doesn't work for me

Now I had super bad depression

When I was younger and this whole thing whether it was meant that way or not came across to me as very much the same thing as when my mother is just like decide to be happy

It's like yes decide to be happy that is very good advice if you are normal and you can decide to be happy or you can decide to let things upset you for example

But when you are depressed and you are being crushed under stuff that's going on in your brain and you can't function

Decide to be happy is cruel in the extreme

Because there you want nothing more than to be able to decide to be happy You wouldn't even know what you were trying to decide to be because you can't conceptualize it at all it is not a language you speak

So that did not work well for me and I feel as though that is how he meant it but I don't know you know I mean absolutely he could have just been enthusiastically saying the thing that he was enthusiastically saying to himself all the time you know I don't know

But now he he took ayahuasca

He bought the component ingredients off Amazon and mixed it up and did it himself

Which I wouldn't necessarily recommend

But you know I was like well I have always thought that if I did ayahuasca that the not so much that I necessarily think I can handle it but you know I the vegetal mother is supposed to tell you you know what you need to do to get your s*** together and I have always felt like I could use that information whether I'm ready to hear it or not you know

Only I don't think I said that many words

I think this time I threw in some extra hesitancy words that were not in my initial statement

So he's like well you know it told me to go say hi to my friend Dave

I'm like you're kidding me

But then later after we talked about some other stuff he was like well you know told me I didn't need to be eating so many animals

So I've been kind of working my way to this vegetarian thing

Except that he's not vegetarian he's pescatarian cuz he ate bagels and locks the other day and it's new because the kid

But I mean

That kind of little nervous giggle that I found painful somehow before

It like settled into this slightly movable Svengali quality

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

I'm kinda low

I love you

I've been having kind of a hard time

And I was going to tell you all about it

I figured by today I would have it well under control and be ready to talk

But in fact the more I go over everything

The less sure I am

What the f*** is going on

And I talked to my mom

She texted me and she's like how are you doing today and

Earlier I had some gummies

I'm seriously sore in my gut from coughing and I'm paranoid that I've damaged myself and I just can't get myself comfortable because every position I get into I'm sure I'm f****** myself up somehow

And I had told Jason I was available Friday and Saturday and Monday and we arrived at an hour and a half on Monday morning which is my window

And we started off with so hey Jason what are your plans when do you want to get together

I think what I was supposed to do was invite them over for Christmas

But you know I I'm just really not set up for that

And I got no clues that that was what was being desired

It just started off with oh yeah we don't really have any plans

And it ended with fine you can come have breakfast with us on the last day before we leave at our hotel

so I mean I really think that that was what was supposed to happen somehow but

What he said before he came to town was hey when I get to town will connect and set up a meetup time

And what that all says to me is you know he's got his time all planned out with other people and he's just going to fit me in a little piece of time

So if what was desired was to spend the holiday with me you know if there had been some hint of that then perhaps I could have assessed my situation in a different way then you know

I mean there's a difference between I've got like a week week and a half and I've got two days

Anyway so I really don't know something happened

And I don't know how much of what I think happened is what actually happened and how much of it is something that I just created in my head based on scenarios and baggage from before but I don't think I'm completely making this up

Anyway it's not a lot of fun and I don't really want to talk about it

But then I think I got my story out of order somehow I have been having kind of a hard time cuz I'm having a lot of emotions and thinking about things overly intensely let's say

So and then I'm having this pain in my gut

I have these gummies I got that have some Delta 9 and they have a lot of CBD and the CBD really does seem to help the pain and inflammation and whatnot

And this is just inflammation I'd really just do not think I have a hernia I think if I had a hernia I would be able to poke something and it would feel really really wrong and I don't have that situation I just have a lot of stuff that when I poke it it's sore and it hurts and it doesn't feel good it feels swollen and inflamed

And I'm irritated that I'm still not feeling well that I have the gut pain and that I'm coughing up sputum now that's good it's not that kind of dark yellowy brown color that you get when you've had infection it's pretty clear so I guess that's good

So anyway I'm having this gut pain and then these obsessive thoughts and I'm like you know I'm going to take this gummy

And hopefully it's going to help with the pain and hopefully it's going to just call me the f*** down a little bit

But then I was like you know I got these other gummies that they have that have a combination of different they have Delta 8 and delta 9 and delta 10 and HHC and THCO

And I cut them in quarters but I mean no I didn't cut every single gummy into quarters I cut one gummy into quarters and I took a quarter and you know it was okay but it wasn't like amazing but it was only a quarter so this time I thought well I'll take that on top of the cbd Delta 9

But that was not a good plan

I felt a little dizzy

It's not sure I could get my tea back to my chair without spilling it all over me

So I was like that but it was starting to wear off a little

And my mom texted me how are you doing today

So she didn't get the short answer

I mean I don't know what she thinks was going on but I basically just started saying aloud the stuff that's going through my head

At one point she started like making all these like I don't know justifications or something and I was like no no no no I don't want you to do that I don't need you to do that I'm just talking about my feelings You don't need to do a whole explanation I don't want you to explain anything

I mean the stuff she was saying was not right anyway but I mean none of this was about her none of this had anything to do with her this is from my family with my father and Deborah and Jason didn't know anything to do with my mom

So anyway I don't know I think I was supposed to behave in a particular way and I did not and so then there's no longer any interest in me

But I might be wrong there might never have been any interest in me

But you know the thing is

If he had said to me hey

We're trying to have like a big family thing for Ajax

I would really mean a lot to us if you could do

Really whatever you know

I'm pretty sure I would have done it unless it was crazy you know

But it just doesn't all add up to me

First it's a meetup

Then it's we have no plans

We're totally open

Then all of a sudden they're all booked up

It just doesn't make any sense

Anyway

I mean I don't know what's going on

He said multiple times how he wants me to get to know Ajax because he thinks that we would really enjoy each other

But then he's going to be here for like 5 days and he's got me penciled in for an hour and a half

I mean I don't care if that's what he wants that's fine but if what I was supposed to do was invite them over for the holiday

And I'm here in about it like you know a week a week and a half out

That's just not really enough lead time for me I'm not prepared to take that on you know

But I don't think that's reasonable to ask of me

And you know if what you want is to get to know me better and to have a family relationship with me then you know just because I'm not prepared to Intuit that what you want is for me to invite you over when you've made it seem like you already had plans

He would still think there might be a little more time to get to know me

I mean it really makes it feel as though there isn't really any desire to get to know me that it's just kind of you know I'm on the list

And maybe I'm supposed to be more enthusiastic and jump through hoops and you know bag or something I don't know

And you know it's not a big deal

It's not a big deal either way

I just don't understand what's going on

Because I very much feel that sort of gas lighting manipulation action going on and although I know I'm probably inserting some bits of baggage into the scenario I don't think I'm inventing it whole cloth

And so the idea that

I mean I wouldn't mind to have a relationship with Jason I don't have anything against Jason I mean we live far apart we don't really any longer have anything in common our lives I mean so I don't know how much sense it makes for us to become best friends now you know I don't really know him he doesn't really know me that's unfortunate or not unfortunate it just is you know

And I'm not saying it's his fault

But I don't feel like it's more my fault you know I just feel like it's kind of the way it is

And you know when I left there he was five and we had intermittent contact from that point

So we didn't really grow up together

And you know I tried

When he was in high school and I was in college

I tried to do some things with him

And he gave me a lot of s***

Because they had those entertainment guide things where it was like buy one get one for you or something and I would use those

And he's like that's really embarrassing

And I'm like well you know you're free to pay for your half but I'm trying to treat you and I don't have enough money to just pay for the whole thing

But he somehow always had this idea that you know my mom was rich and therefore I had a bunch of money

And I didn't have a bunch of money

So you know I didn't feel like that attempt on my part to maintain a relationship with him with all that successful you know I mean we went a few places but I don't know

And then he went off to college

And that's when we started with the you know he's in town for the holidays and he would call me and be like you know can you go have coffee with me now and it's you know I don't know the middle of the night or something

And that would continue and then one time I couldn't go because I was working or something I don't know and that may have correspond with when he went to New York

Or it may of corresponded with when he graduated from the art institute

I just don't remember now

It's just the way I remember it was I would drop everything and go see him

And then one time I couldn't

And then I don't remember ever being called again

But I don't know that those things are related

It might be that he graduated from college and moved in with Jenny and started doing whatever they were doing and and that he didn't come home

Or I don't know I remember I did see him at one point

So I don't know I really don't know what happened exactly in my mind I got really busy and he was living his life and there just wasn't much intersection between our lives and we just didn't communicate with each other

And then he called me and I went to go see Dad and that was weird and unpleasant for me and he was kind of judgmental and I don't know I just felt very unsafe

And after that I just I don't know

We've had some interactions over Facebook and I haven't really enjoyed those either

I don't know

Anyway my mom asked how I was doing

And I was kind of I don't know not sober

And I just kind of started telling her

So I'm not really happy that I did that

And I thought I then couldn't turn around and tell you anything

But here I am saying something I don't even know what I'm saying

I just have a lot of feelings

And I'm not sure

I'm not sure that they're right

My brother is in town

I'm not able to articulate

not in a good way

feels like

gaslighting 

Well I got up early

I went and did errands

Bought some extra water and stuff

Because the temperature's going to get down really low tomorrow night and who knows if I'll  lose power or whatever

And then I went to Katz's

The new one that's a couple blocks for me

And it's really pretty

I've only ever been in that one so I didn't really know what to expect another one to look like

But this one is it's bright it's high ceiling it's got kind of a almost Kelly Green upholstery on the booths

It's got white subway tile on the walls

But then it's also got some like tray ceiling or something I think that's what you call it in kind of an oval one though not oval rounded cornered rectangle and I don't know it's

It's got a little bit of a '70s vibe

It reminds me a little bit of bennigan's

And 

I had latkes

With my omelet

And bagel and cream cheese

They were trying out some new margarita recipe so they came around and gave me a sample of margarita which was really cool

But anyway I got home

And I was just so exhausted

I went to lay down and fell asleep

My brother is supposed to be coming into town

And he's supposed to text me

So I can meet his wife and kid

And I'm kind of nervous about all that

Plus I don't really like the waiting around for him to text me and then we've got to figure something out

Plus there's all this freeze coming and whatnot and I'm just

Like stressed

I still have a terrible cough

And I'm not really taking anything to suppress it

So it's just periodic wholesale coughing

I'm late adopter

Not always sometimes I'm an early adopter

Actually often I'm an early adopter

But for leggings I'm a late adopter

Like a scraggler

But I got some leggings

From that parade where I got the bras

They're slightly thicker than tights but they're much thinner than pants

And they were like 75% off so they're like $10

And I wore those under the dress

Plus I wore the flouncy skirt

And I like the flouncy skirt because it makes the dress a little less form fitting to the lower half of my body

But then I don't really think I need it

And I have mixed feelings about the outcome of the flounce

Like maybe I like it better without the flounce

But I do like the dress it's super comfortable

But I don't necessarily feel very good

Just super exhausted

But Katz's has a happy hour

From 3:00 to 6:00 drinks or half price

And I'm certain I could walk there from my house

So I don't know I may start going to Katz's for drinks

Or I may just drink at home alone

Or what I usually do

Not drink at all

But they do have some interesting looking drinks

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

the windbreaker and hat are great

I love them

the jacket is like

Space Paper

so so pleased

they are both so light

I have to get up early

I love you

very much sweetheart 

I love you

The red jacket is a bust though

It doesn't fit in the shoulders

I mean maybe if I took the shoulder pads out

But no it's just not quite wide enough and under the arm is kind of tight too

It looked so knitted

I did not think that it would be so structured

But it just it just doesn't fit right

It is really a beautiful color

Maybe when I lose some weight and the shoulders fit I can have the rest of it altered

And the merrells

I'm not sure they're going to fit

They are for sure the size I wore before

But possibly I got them in a wide before

Usually with those kind of sporty shoes they just are the size they are

And they might fit me they might be wide enough but I'm having trouble with the heel

And you know back in the day I would just stick my finger in it and like you know pull up or whatever but the joints in my fingers are not up to that level of stress anymore

So maybe I can stretch him out a little

Maybe I can get a shoe horn

Although I hate shoehorns

I'm more inclined to just wait until I lose a little weight and see if it's a little easier

They're beautiful though

They don't look like they've ever even been worn at all

I really want to wear them

So

I don't have the tweed thing

and

I don't have the hiking shoes

but

it's not like I don't have jackets

See I know I said I wanted Omega back stud earrings

And those are not omega backs

And they're not even really stud rings

but

I've never had any half hoops like those before so I don't know exactly how they will sit on my ear

But I think they will just kind of hang down and not look substantially different from a larger button earring

And although they are not pearls obviously

They do have kind of an interesting play between a shiny or surface and a more mat surface

And I really dig the graphic look of them

And their Tiffany and company which I've never really had any experience with

I didn't grow up going oh I want something from Tiffany's

I mean I saw breakfast at Tiffany's

But you know I just never really had any context for Tiffany's I've never been to a Tiffany's is there even a Tiffany's here I don't know

When I did a little research on it cuz I was kind of intrigued by the fact that this earring that I liked was from this very iconic company

And it's such a beautiful construction

Such a clean design

And it's from the '90s

And those are you know they're nicely made they're nicely constructed the butterfly backs or large they're not going to be janky

So even though they're not what I initially wanted given the fact that I couldn't get what I wanted and I wasn't willing to settle for what I could get that was like what I wanted

I moved on to other ideas and this was what I found

They were on an auction and I got them for a really good price

Well a really good price for Tiffany and company I'm sure I could have gotten cheaper earrings

but hear me out

the ruffly skirts came

and they're perfect

and the hat is really cool

the purse came today

it's too nice

the color is

but

the leather can only be described as

sumptuous

it's heavy

but comfortable

the metal hardware is this warm brushed gold

it's like however I imagined it

it is twice that good

It's long!

So it finally came

And it fits what I would describe as really well

It does not disguise anything

And the silver colored necklaces that I'm wearing are the ones I was talking about

Yes there's a bunch of crap in the background

There's a lot of stuff I carried in from my mom's

There's a box of cat food

It's all very messy

I suppose I could have cleaned it up before I took the picture but

I wanted to take the picture not clean the house

So you know it's not styled at all and these white shoes are very cute but they're not better than any of the other clogs at the walking or the standing

But they are pretty comfortable

As just a general you shoe

So I mean I think after there's some styling going on I think it'll look better

But you know I'm overweight I have weight on my stomach That's just there and I imagine it shows in everything I wear even if I think it's disguised

It's very lightweight it's very comfortable

It really is very comfortable

And as you could see it actually does come to the knee so I feel like I could wear it just like this

No you know I got the veins

And I've got hair although you can't really see it too much unless the light hits it just right

Cuz it's very pale blonde

So

I could I guess have tried to make myself more attractive I'm really bad at the mirror selfie this is not my first attempt

But I think it's a good color for me yes

I haven't been wearing eye makeup for a long time

Because my eyelids are hooded

And little bit creepy

And so pretty much anything I do doesn't look good

But I just got this pretty purple eyeshadow in ipsy

So I thought I'd try something that I haven't done since I was much much younger

And that is just put the color across the whole lid from the lash line to the brow bone

Not necessarily the same degree of thickness across the whole lid

But since it's a kind of a purply gray color and it's shiny

The shininess makes the lid come forward and is more prominent in its hoodedness

But then the grain is kind of kicks it back

And overall I'm not sure

Then I've just got the darker purple earlier shade drawn under the eye and kind of into the outer v a little bit

I think it looks better in the picture than it looks in person

I don't know I just feel like maybe I want some kind of eye make up

And I'm just kind of spitballing ideas

And for jewelry

I have a stainless steel really thin box chain

That isn't shiny in the way that a silver chain is

It's got a very low sheen shine

Like you know stainless steel

I really like it I haven't worn it much I've had it maybe I don't know less than a year I feel like but I've only worn it a few times

Then I also have some necklaces that I found at my mom's

I don't feel like they are her necklaces though

So maybe they were Shirley's

Or maybe they were mine

They're not silver

I don't know whether they're nickel

Or whether they're aluminum

I would guess probably aluminum because they're pretty lightweight even though they're not small

I mean they're not enormous either

And I'm not 100% sure how much I would wear those

But I do really like them I've worn them a few times recently and they are fun

I also have a necklace that is

I don't know if it actually is taxco

It's a Mexican silver necklace that is a series of ball links connected to each other You've seen it but not for a long long time

2008 Pittsburgh

I doubt you necessarily remember all the jewelry I wear for clothes I wear on specific trips but I know you I know you did see it then

And it is not shiny

It is tarnished and it's got this kind of doll oxidized look to it

I really really like it

Also I have a ring I bought when my mom and I went to archway gallery not that long ago

I thought it was going to turn out to be some like turquoise colored glass or something but it apparently is real turquoise even though it kind of doesn't look like it

I'm not going to go take a picture of it right now but I'll have to try to remember to take a picture of all this jewelry stuff tomorrow

However I'm having a hard time finding any earrings in my collection because I just don't really have any study earrings I have hoops I have dangles I just don't have studs

I found a pair actually I found several pair but I only found one pair so far that seemed like it might even possibly work and I tried them on and wore them and they're fine I could wear them but I don't really like the way they look and they aren't really what I want

I want something that isn't a dangle and isn't a hoop that won't get caught on masks

And has a sheen

My first choice

Would be mahbe Pearl flat disc blister pearl Omega back slightly larger studs

And I found some

That I really like and they're pretty much perfect

But they're $500

And I do not have an earring budget for $500

I found some

That aren't exactly what I want

For $325

And some that are a little bit less what I want for $150

But I don't want to spend $150 for something that's not what I want if I'm going to spend $150 I want it to be because it was an awesome thing that I wanted not because it was a okay thing that was not what I wanted that seems silly

I found something that would work

That I like on a variety of levels

Their Omega backs

And they're a doublet of mother of pearl

So it's got a layer of mother of pearl and then over the top of it it has quartz crystal that's got some facets but not like diamond sparkly facets just like some kind of quilted looking facets on the top of it so it's got that kind of Sheen that I'm going for and I like them all right but they're like $100 and to my mind they aren't fine jewelry

They're like fashion jewelry they're never going to be fine jewelry they're never going to look like fine jewelry and I just don't want to spend that much money on fashion jewelry

I'm not necessarily opposed to spending $100 on a pair of earrings although I have seriously a lot of earrings

And so I'm just wondering if I should get some you know like CZ's or something it would look like diamond earrings

I found some that are ascher cut

That I really like the look of

But I just don't think I would wear diamond earrings and so wearing CZ earrings doesn't seem right either

And also the fun of thrifting is that these things are not expensive I'm putting together this whole kind of whatever this look is

And the fact that the earrings that I want are so expensive it's kind of a bummer

The punky belt

Probably makes more sense

If I come clean about these

I have always wanted

Some stompy boots

And these are in not the best shape

Like they maybe need to be resoled a little bit

And I don't know whether I'm prepared to spend the money on that at the moment

And I don't think I've ever bought used shoes that looked like they'd been worn this hard

And it makes me a little nervous that there's no picture of the inside of them

Also they say they're Carolina Boot company

But the logo on the tongue of the shoe says redwoods

So I'm not really sure what I'm getting

And I went back and forth and back and forth about these shoes but I couldn't in the end not get them

They're a bigger risk than the flouncy skirts

Because they weren't as cheap as most of the rest of this stuff is

And I don't know if I will wear them

I'm not really sure what part of my life requires work boots

Well I think the answer is clearly that no part of my life really requires work boots

I'm thinking of them as my dressy shoes

Like if I went to a gallery opening or something

I went back and forth and back and forth with myself

I really prefer slip on shoes

Something I can take on and off quickly

But if it turns out to be a horrible mistake well it isn't that much money and

Even if it's a complete disaster

I would have pined for them they would have been the shoes that got away so I had to

I feel like surely you understand

My little riot girl heart wants her stompy boots

probably need a thin belt too

So I wanted to get something that would lengthen the dress just a little bit because I don't think it's going to come to the knee

These are billed as long skirts but I don't think they're as long as like ankle length or anything I think they're below the knee for sure

I wanted to get something that had that kind of silky Sheen that I was seeing all over runways across brands

And also kind of drape and flow with the little ruffly things

I'm pretty sure there's still constitutes a lot shorter than what I typically wear so it's a little bit of a risk because I don't know if I will actually wear it

It's a designer who used to sell on QVC and he's a good classical clothing designer so I'm sure the lines of these will be good

And I was going to get just one since I don't know for sure that it will be the right thing but they're pretty inexpensive and if I get one and I love it it'll likelihood that I would find another one is not high

I slept late

I did nothing of consequence

had a headache

looked all around eBay

have upset stomach

must sleep

going to art supply in morning

can't decide on a skirt

I love you

this feels like putting myself together

I know clothes are semi irrelevant

but it feels like character building

And

the pants came

they 

will not

be useable

as some sort of leggings

they are

life changing

the blazer

is an extrapolation

I watched some runway shows

some were distopian

but

I was getting some definite vibes

shine

interesting transparencies

flowing frabrics, drape

but

then I watched a Chanel show

and fell down a rabbit hole

that chanel tweed

raspberry pink

but

the tweedy texture story, right

and I already had the plan to color cluster

red brown with pink with red, etc

but then I saw that jacket

it's like a woven tweedy texture wool blend

it's like full on

I get simultaneously Nancy Reagan

and mall rats

I love this red

I wouldn't normally

but the combination with the red brown

I think it will be slightly jarring

not on the nose but memorable, maybe

off hand

but with the

also

Gucci

Chanel

Vintage Retro Funky

and yet, maybe

just the blazer in the Mademoiselle

five easy pieces 

Well I'm going to try to go to work tomorrow

I'm still coughing a little bit

I need to go to sleep

I should have gone to sleep more than an hour ago so

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Also my sense of smell came back today

I don't know exactly when

But I am super happy about it

And I'm not coughing as much which is great

In fact I need to go to sleep I'm pretty tired and it's pretty late and I shouldn't be up so late I'm going to have to go to work One day near in the future

But I'm pretty sure it's been hours and hours since I took any tussin and I'm not coughing much

And I'm breathing through my nose

Mostly

At least right now mostly

And I'm sorry this is so late

I was kind of hoping I would have something a little bit more fascinating to talk about then kind of what I'm doing

It feels like it's important

But I realize from a certain perspective it's not even vaguely important

I don't know what to tell you about today

I'm not really sure what I did today

I watched YouTube

I'm trying to get a handle on the world

I've just realized that I don't know

I'm trying to figure out where I fit into the world in a variety of ways

But I for some reason I feel like I need to know what's going on with the fashion

I always kind of liked to keep up with the fashion

So I've been watching all these different people

And I don't I don't know these people there's an Australian one or maybe she's New Zealand I'm not 100% sure I think she's Australian and she has a lot of videos that look like I'm going to like them but I don't I don't like her

I mean whatever she's perfectly likable but she's not producing the information that I want

And that's a problem because I don't really know exactly what the information I want is

So then I said well you know let me just go and watch shows from designers that I have some sort of feeling for

You know I watched their collections before

Let me see what their take on the current world is

And it's grittier and more dystopian than I thought

I guess one of the trends that I've been paying more attention to than some of the other ones is the dopamine dressing

That seems to have much smaller place overall than I thought

I still don't think I have a hat that I like

But I got a purse

And God knows I don't need more purses

And I got a pair of shoes

And I may get another pair of shoes

The purse I got

I have a small crossbody that I wear that I really really like even better than the Dooney & Bourke one that I had that I used for so long and that I still have and would use again but this one is Even smaller somehow with more organization it's just awesome and I've been using it for a few months and I'm going to continue to use that

But I've been wanting

Or maybe I haven't maybe I just got a wild hair I don't know but it combines a variety of things

So this dopamine dressing it involves bright colors like up to an including neon right

So I've been wanting to get a purse that is pink or yellow or like a bright bright color

And this isn't like a departure for me I've had bright colored purses or patterned purses before it's like a thing

And why to k is also a thing

And the thing that I wanted to get in the early 2000s that I never got because I never found exactly the right one except maybe once or twice and it was just too expensive at those particular times so it's like you know I'm not going to spend that much money for a fancy purse

Well I never saw this purse

But it is pink well it's like a pinky violet color I don't know exactly what color it is cuz I haven't seen it in person yet

And it has this design kind of

Quilted / embroidered on the front of it

It's a bunch of birds

So I figure that's a nod to fashion with the color it's a nod to fashion with the quilting which quilting is pretty popular although more like regular geometric quilting

And then it's got some tassels on the side

It's got the shoulder straps but it's missing

The "long strap"

So maybe it could be worn crossbody That's kind of an exciting idea maybe I have a strap that can be used or maybe I can figure something out that will allow me to add in another element

And then

I got some shoes

And I may end up getting several pairs of those shoes because I found some really good ones and they say they're used but they don't have any wear on the treads they don't have any discolorations in the insides I mean they seem like shoes that really haven't been worn and I found

I didn't buy but I may still buy some really nice looking burgundy Clark's loafers

They're extra wide and they're really good price

And I believe there's something I could wear if I needed to look professional

I don't think they're extremely casual looking loafers

I found some shoes that are kind of a funky wedge

I wasn't familiar with the brand so I looked them up and where it took me to was in Nordstrom and they're like 150 $200 pairs of shoes but they're comfort shoes

And you know I have to have shoes that are comfortable I can't even longer wear fashionable shoes that aren't comfortable

The clogs that I have I really like them and they're great for you know general use

But what I found is that over time they really aren't good for walking and they really aren't good for standing so they really aren't that useful to me I really like them and they're great you know if you're going to the grocery store or if you're running errands or you're doing something where you're not doing like a lot of walking or a lot of standing

But they're not good work shoes

And I got these tennis shoes that I've been wearing well they're not really tennis shoes they're MBT running shoes those are the ones that have that maasai barefoot technology or whatever it is that it's a a slight rocker action and some of their shoes have like a very noticeable rocker action but most of their runners well I don't know if most of their runners don't but these don't and I really really like them I got them on eBay for a good price and you know I mean they're not new and they're not going to last me as long as a new pair would last me but I didn't want to go out shoe shopping and I didn't want to spend $200 $250 you know and so I found some there in great shape they were a really good price and I love them but I can't wear them every single day or they become uncomfortable as well

And I love the look of them there like soft gray with some pink on them I love them and I can wear them to work in and whatever but they're also lace up and they you know are that athletic shoe style right

So I'm like well you know and I have a couple other pairs of tennis shoes of various sorts but I wanted something that was a little bit different than that

And I kept going back and forth and back and forth you know there are these wedge shoes well how comfortable will they be to work in well I don't know they're supposed to be comfort shoes but don't know and

Loafers I mean I think they will be comfortable but I don't think they will be comfortable to work in I think those would be more like you know if I was trying to look nice and just general use comfort but not you know for working standing walking

And then there were several other kind of

Mary Jane style walking shoes semi athletic

And I'm like well you know I'm pretty sure those will be comfortable they're meant for walking they're probably good for standing also although that isn't necessarily true sometimes a shoe will be good for walking but it won't be so good for standing and vice versa

So the ones I ended up getting

They're Merrill's

There used to be the store in the galleria that was right next to where the Starbucks was that I trained at and maybe that's how I found out it was there or maybe I knew about it before

It was called The walking store and it had a whole bunch of shoes that were like you know performance walking shoes

And meryls are walking/hiking shoes

They are not as expensive as some of the other brands

You know the mephistos were like $250

But the meryls were like $89 or $99 or $100 or maybe like $115

Course this is a long time ago so perhaps they've gone up I have not priced them in the last probably 10 years easily

But I probably owned at least three pairs of merrills that I wore you know every day are almost every day for a year and they were great shoes no complaints at all

And these are a color called burnt henna which I think will go perfectly with my dress

And they have kind of a patchwork key pattern on them but all the same color so it's really just kind of peace work of pieces of leather of that color and

I don't know I just thought

I could really use a more professional shoe in case I need to go on a job interview or a sales call or I don't know anything

I do not actually currently own any shoes that I think would work for that I would just have to wear something that would be slightly inappropriate

Or I would have to buy something at the time

But

Being able to go for a hike seems like a more reasonable expenditure

And I was also more excited about the hiking shoes then I was about the cute shoes

Actually I think the hiking shoes are cute

I'm really kind of looking forward to this wool and a hundred day dress challenge situation

And I think before I made it sound like they give you $100 bill which is not in fact the case what they do is they give you $100 off on your next dress that you buy so they're basically giving you another dress for like $30

But

It's not so much that you just wear the same exact thing everyday for 100 days

I mean I guess you can

But my thinking is you know how many different ways can you do this one item of clothing

I guess I'm exploring new ideas

I never wear jeans I mean I haven't for a very very long time nor do I really wear t-shirts it's just not kind of what I do

But then I saw these jeans that I really liked

They're like a knit gene

You just pull them on

And I wore those all summer

Jeans and t-shirts

And it was great and I loved it

And I've also kind of experimented with layering things and whatnot

The idea of posting a picture of myself on social media every day

Outfit of the day as it were

It's a challenge

It's not something I would do normally

But I'll be interested to see how I respond to it

It's an experiment

And then it's a creativity experiment to make it be different you know

But also

It is a different type of clothing then I'm used to seeing myself in

When I was younger

I wore dresses

But they don't feel right

I mean they didn't feel right

I mean at some point they were fine and then at some point they didn't feel right and now I'm not sure

But for the past few years

When I'm at home

I mostly

I'm wearing one of these oversized modal t-shirts

Sometimes I wear them with boy shorts

Sometimes I wear them with a skirt

Sometimes I wear them with pants

But quite frequently I wear them with nothing at all

And this shirt it comes down I don't know

Not to my knee

But you know I'll throw a jacket over it and go get my mail or

Open the door to get a package

Or delivery

Stand in the doorway looking out assessing the weather

I figure you know I'm covered enough

If somebody sees me I'm not like

Breakin the law breakin the law

It's like the clothes version of the 20 second rule

Well so now I've gotten kind of used to walking around in basically a t-shirt dress

And I'm looking at myself in the full-length mirror

Which you know initially was a bit of a shocker

And you know it varies

Some days are better than others

But now when I stand in front of the mirror naked I'm like well you know my legs aren't that bad

I mean they're fat

But I actually

hhhhhmmmmmm

And it's like when I look at myself I go well you know I can see what's coming off

Like I don't know I have this sense of it as though it is reconfigured

So I can like

Almost see myself without it

Sorta

Almost

I mean maybe all that working at my mom's and bending standing on my head and whatnot maybe that made my body think that you know maybe it needed to be clear and stuff out and so it was repositioning the fat I don't know

Anyway so I ordered that dress

And I managed to thrift a couple other pieces

Online thrifting

I found a skirt that I had really liked but did not buy

Even when it went on clearance I did not buy it

It's this maxi skirt except it's petite length maxi skirt so it won't be super maxi it'll just be super middy probably

And the color that I wanted

That I didn't buy cuz I'm like this is crazy talk I'm never going to wear that

Is not the color I got

I got the other color or one of the other colors that I thought was even more crazy

But hear me out

It's like this kind of tropical block print of flowers and something I don't know

And it's navy and coral

Now this kind of hot quarrely red color I've decided is one of my core colors

I've had multiple pieces of clothing across my lifespan that were this kind of color family and I really have liked most of them I think it's a color that looks good on me I don't look particularly good in red to my way of thinking

I've not been a big fan of pink

And I want to play off the kind of rusty ready brown color of the dress

The idea is

That's a color that's always really looked good on me

Russet

But that's a particularly nice color that manages to be kind of red without being you know red

But I am really interested to explore the whole kind of blending in interesting ways of red and orange and pink and purple and all those colors kind of together

But then also there's a 1970s kind of color combination that was a navy blue with kind of a rust that I always really liked so having the coral to play off the russet and then have the russet and the brown I mean I think it's going to be kind of exciting

And I got some pants that might be kind of like leggings

Straight pants

And I just haven't had any pants like that for a very long time

But I'm not going to do leggings because that's too thin

I mean

If I thought I could deal with tights maybe I would do that but I can in no way deal with tights

So these thin pants are

They're kind of compatible with the dress because their wool and viscose blend and they are fairly dark gray but I think that the gray and the russet will look really good together

And I started kind of imagining myself in this outfit because

When I was having the kind of visiony things before where I was trying to put myself together and see what I looked like I had you know these ideas for jackets and things right but I couldn't really tell what was underneath I wasn't seeing like you know oh it's a skirt and a shirt or you know a shell or a tank top or whatever right

And I think the orange pants outfit

Isn't incompatible with the long tunicky top

But I don't know how often I will want to wear a long tunaki top with wide leg pants

But I see lots of Eileen Fisher clothes combinations where they have long tunic length tops and thin pants

Now those models are pretty much uniformly thin

And then I found out that Eileen Fisher had a program where well I mean I guess I knew she had a program where she wanted you to send your old clothes back to them so they didn't go into landfills

And if they're damaged they take them apart and use them to make some kind of art or something or sometimes different items they come up with

But then they've got

All these clothes

And they're like you know they've been professionally cleaned and mended if they needed mending and they are ready to go to their new homes

And you know they're not as cheap as I often find things on eBay

Or Poshmark

Or Etsy

Depend upon what you're looking for

But

I don't know it was kind of fascinating they have all these clothes and there doesn't seem to be any way to sort by your size like

You know since each piece of clothing is from a different collection a different year different color whatever most of them they just have one sometimes they'll have you know two or three or four sizes of the same thing

But mostly each one is basically an individual item

So it's really inconvenient to look through all these hundreds of items to see what size they are

You should have a sorting tool so you could just tell it what sizes you were interested in and it could show you the you know five items

So I found several other dresses

And I guess I may or may not have told you

But in addition to these T-shirts which are a little worse from where

Like I don't mind to wear them to sleep in

But you know I'd kind of like something else

And what I kind of decided upon is this like long shimmy's top really shamise

Chemise top

I had it ordered it on clearance it was really cheap and I kind of liked the style and I kind of liked the color and it's one of those logo tops that you you layer them

Anyway didn't really work out that well for me as a layering top but I started wearing it around the house and it's you know little spaghetti straps and it's basically a slip or nightgown kind of thing right and it's got a chiffon flouncy thing well not flouncy but trim on the bottom

And I really enjoy wearing that

It isn't more comfortable than the T-shirt

But it feels a little more

Something

So now I've been thinking

Slip dress

And I found a black one

It's in this viscose crepe that they have

And I've had items that were that visco scrape

I'm sorry viscose crepe

It is just a really nice fabric

It's like stretchy thin breathable but it's got a nice body to it somehow it's forgiving of your lumps and bumps it's just it's a really nice fabric

They're saying it's vintage

And that it's not in perfect condition

And they described the difficulty with the condition

And it may or may not be something that I necessarily want to wear out

There are a couple of pulls and there's a slightly lighter spot whatever that means under the arm

Well those might all be so unnoticeable that it could totally be worn out especially with a jacket or something over it

But I'm not really buying it for going out I'm really buying it for wearing around the house

And black is perfect because if I spill things on it it'll be less likely to show

No it's a slightly different slip style maybe

It doesn't have spaghetti straps that drop down and then like a pointy kind of neckline

It looks like the drop is much shorter so it doesn't expose a lot of chest

Will I like that as well

I'm uncertain

But it was calling my name

Well I don't know about the sense of smell

I still can't smell the things with strong smells but several times I've thought I could smell things that weren't strong smells so maybe it depends on the kind of smell I don't know

I watched all the election pregame

Post game

Commentary

What not

On MSNBC

And I got to say I like MSNBC

I like the way they work people kind of back and forth on panels and

I really enjoy or have enjoyed in the past and continue to enjoy The combination of Rachel maddow Joy Reid and Nicole Wallace I really like the way they each kind of bring a different perspective and skill set and they know and like each other and I feel like it's a lively conversation you know that is

Really great

But then they added in Alex Wagner

And I mean Alex Wagner I know from the circus and she's amazing I love her

She again is very intelligent and has a different skill set and a different perspective on things but she has a very definite opinion you know

So then when she's added into that mix it just is like exponentially improved for me and that guy down at the end who I know I know his name but I can't remember it 

He is just really perfect

I mean I really like Chris Hayes I think he has some very like I don't know almost like inspired metal level like concept thoughts

And he's so earnest

I really like him

And at first I thought man I wish that he was on with this other group but then I thought about it and you know this guy whose name I can't remember That's going to bother me I'm going to have to look that up he is really good

He is very polite

He's very professional

He's not going to brush up against any rough edges He's not going to steal any of the women's thunder He's not going to mansplain anything to them you know He's able to fit very easily into that environment

Don't let me forget I want to make a connection to that thought

But he is quite insightful

On election night he said something and I wish I could remember what he said and they all just kind of turned on him were like oh it's way too early to say that or something but he turned out to be absolutely right and at the end of the evening they were saying you know that he was you know brilliant and all that kind of stuff

So anyway he's also older and so he has the ability to personally reference things that happened that they can't

Anyway that is my favorite combination

And then my second favorite combination is when they had Chris Hayes with Michael Steele and jinsake and ooh what is her last name Sonya I don't know I don't know Sonya's last name I can't remember

Cuz Jin sake That's not how you spell her name but I don't want to look up how you spell her name so you know I'm talking about

I mean she was fine as press secretary I liked her just fine in that role I guess but I like her a lot better as a talking head

So about that thing that I was not supposed to forget it relates to Sonya

So I don't watch MSNBC very much I only watch it when there's you know news

So I'd really know the weekend crew

Until I was watching the last election results and it went on for a while so you know the bee crew came into work

And Allie velshe is on the b crew

That's not how you spell his name either

But I've seen Alley valshy interact with the a crew

and the a crew I really enjoy their interactions their chemistry's great they build on each other like I said it's like a a better conversation because of all the different perspectives and whatnot

And I've seen Allie velshey interact with the a crew and he's great he fits right in

And Sonya interacts with the a crew quite a bit

But you know how in broadcast news

There's the people who are the real news people and then there are the people who are presenters basically

Who don't necessarily understand all the finer ramifications

Well I get that kind of sense that there's maybe like a couple of people and I'm not 100% sure who who are presenting

Or they're on a level of presenting

So then nobody can kind of play off of anybody else because they're not all on the same level

And even Sonya and Allie velchi are really not very good on it because the whole chemistry and skill levels and all that stuff I mean it's like they I don't know and it might actually I don't know I've seen people who I know are good

Who just did not look very good on that show and I feel like it's the stuff I said before but it occurred to be that it could actually be something to do with the producer as well

I mean maybe they don't want those people to try I don't know sometimes I feel like they are trying though I don't know and I haven't really I mean I say sometimes I feel like I've watched them like you know two or three times but

In fairness

If what you are is a news presenter

And then you're doing the election

Well there isn't a whole lot of news to present

And election coverage I mean

It's really better if you have people doing it who have some you know like political experience

And I mean maybe they don't really yet I don't know

But I really enjoyed that

I have a little bit of a sense of smell

Like if it's something that has a very penetrating smell like Vicks or tea tree oil then I can smell it a little tiny bit

But if it's something that just has a reasonably strong smell like there's no way you wouldn't smell it if you could smell but it's not kick you in the face strong then I can't smell it

I don't like that

But I do feel better

I don't really feel sick exactly

But I still have a lot of the symptoms

So I talked to Lucy today

Well actually we texted

And I said you know look I've still got a cough and I don't have a lot of energy but I think if I keep myself doped up on tussing and DayQuil and cough drops I think I can present a reasonable facsimile of a human

And she was like okay then

And so we were all set for me to go to work tomorrow

And it's not that I feel great and I want to go to work but I mean she doesn't get a day off until I go back and any well I guess she got Sunday off cuz they're closed but you know what I mean she's I'm helping them out and I'm also letting her have a day off and she's got some art projects she needs to work on

She does pet portraits and it's the holiday season you know

So it's not that I feel good and I'm rearing to go

I'm just trying to be a team player

But then she texted me back a few minutes later and she's like oh Vicky doesn't feel comfortable with you working if you're still coughing

And I'm like okay well I don't think this cough is going away anytime soon

But I mean I still seem sick

So I can't say with 100% certainty that I'm not contagious anymore

And I'm like you know hey that's fine I am not pushing to come to work I'm just trying to be back as quickly as possible cuz I know you're waiting on me to have a day off

And last week was apparently kind of a rough week

And she said well probably what we'll do is have you work Friday or Saturday and have you doing some pricing stuff that's further away from Vicky

And I'm like well yeah Friday or Saturday probably makes me a little happier too

So I don't know what these markdowns are but you know if I feel well enough and there's a lot of stuff to do then you know maybe I can work Friday and Saturday I don't know

But if I'm supposed to work one day a week and I didn't work last week then if I work 2 days then I would have made up the time

If that's the way I should think about it

it's called the Brooklyn I think

It's got a kind of top

I used to have several shirts like that

But they just got old

So I guess it hasn't been available for a while

But I've been kind of low-key looking

And I'd rather have a shirt than a dress

Unless it was a long dress

And they have a longer length

It's not enough longer

And they don't have it in plus sizes

I may end up having to have it shortened

Or lengthened

But I can barely bring myself

To wear something that comes mid calf

Knee length seems out of the question

Except for around the house

We'll see it's ordered now

Still no sense of smell

Talk to Lucy today

Not working tomorrow

Planning for Tuesday

Maybe a tiny bit of a sense of smell

If I take the strongest scented thing I've got

Manuka and tea tree

If I stick it right under my nose and take a giant sniff and keep sniffing and sniffing and sniffing

I can smell just a whisperer

Or maybe I'm imagining it

I did a crazy thing

I ordered a dress

It's not very long so it's probably going to be more like a tunic with a skirt or pants under it

But they said

Take our hundred day challenge

If you wear any of our dresses

For a 100 days straight

And they've got to wait for you to document it

they will give you $100

Now the dress only costs like $130

So they're basically saying hey by this thing

Take this challenge

Well basically pay you for the thing

But

They don't say like you know if you go to court you have to wear this dress to court

Or you have to wear it to some specific functions

They just want you to wear it about 8 hours a day

So

I don't know it just kind of sounded like fun

Only watched one video of a person who's done it so far she only washed the dress like five times in a hundred days

Their contention is that this wool dress

Is comfortable

And breathable

And doesn't get all stinky

I looked at the measure ments

It should fit me

And the color is called rosewood

I think it's kind of a russet color

Reddy Brown brownie red

So

I guess the idea of wearing the same thing everyday appeals to me after all

I ran out of battery

my phone shut down

Not really sure what I was talking about

It's freaking me out

I still have no sense of smell

I feel much better

And the coughing for whatever this is has been weird

Like it's not weird for me to have a cough

Almost anything even allergy I end up with some kind of cough

So I've coughed with a lot of different things

And generally coughing makes my chest hurt

Makes my back hurt

Sometimes my ribs on the sides will hurt feel kind of stretched

I've had flus that made me cough so hard I woke myself up and I had to take codeine

And sometimes

There will be stomach muscle involvement in the coughing

Sure

But I've always experienced that as a secondary pain to the lungs or the back you know

But the cough with this I've been afraid I've been like holding myself as I cough because I'm like I'm not exactly sure how you get a hernia

But I feel like what I'm doing now when I'm coughing has to be related to what you do to get a hernia

So it was coughing and I was literally holding my gut and pushing it in as I'm coughing because it feels like I'm going to rupture myself somehow

No I've never had anything like that no sir

But today

Wellen a lot of yesterday too actually

I was on the tussin

And that is the very best cough suppressant

At least of what I currently have available to me

Not making a statement about tussin

But I definitely feel better

I'm still blowing my nose

And I'm trying really hard not to suck it back in but to actually blow it out

But there is less mucus

And I don't think the tussin that I'm taking does anything for that I think it's just a cough suppressant

So there is less mucus and that is a blessing because I am really over having snot dripping from my nose I got to say

And then I'm just trying not to cough I got into a coughing jag I don't know sometime last night when I woke up to pee or something

And I took a half a dose in NyQuil

And went back to sleep

I'm mostly only taking the nyquil half a dose at a time now

That way if I wake up in a couple hours and can't go back to sleep I don't have to do a whole bunch of math about whether it's safe for me to take anything

But

I feel less

Less like I want a cough

And when I've been coughing this evening

It's been less of a I just have to keep from going on a coughing jagg and more of a oh I just need to do a little cough here

I tried to get a lot of extra sleep

I was going to do that tonight too but I don't seem to have done it

I mean I've still got time to get plenty of sleep Don't get me wrong

But if I was going to get like you know 12 hours of sleep I needed probably to have gone to sleep a little while ago

Because I need to you know get up and be moving around and assessing my fitness for work because I'll have to have an additional conversation about that tomorrow

Also I've I think I just took one dose today of the Ella campaign and the self heal

Now self heal has an amazing reputation

I saw it very highly recommended

And I said okay

The main person that I buy tinctures from although I buy it from several people now but the main person

She had a Black Friday sale

So I looked at her shop

There was a thing I had been wanting to get from her but I was like I don't need that

But I decided I kind of did

And you know she was having a sale

Just seem like the thing to do you know

So the thing I was going to buy

Was you know

A thing I for sure don't need

It's a flower essence

And I don't know whether I believe in flower essences

I mean it really sounds like a lot of hooey

But

She sometimes weaves these little stories with her potions

And she's like

This is the mimosa tree that was the guardian of my last garden space

Her flowers soaked in spring water from some spring I don't remember the name of but probably one up by her in Eugene that she got on this sacred quest and then she got the the darkest richest honey that she could get locally it's almost like Manuka honey it's so dark and medicinal and locally sourced organic vodka

And I think there was some more stuff I don't even think I got it all but like here's what you got to know

Maybe you already do know this

But in my grain grants yard they were pink mimosas in the front of the yard

And there was a red mimosa in the backyard

And I had very personal relationships with all of the trees

Or no I guess what I really should say is I knew all of the trees some of the trees I had very close personal relationships with some of the trees I just kind of you know did my thing and they did their thing

So I don't know if that's weird

I don't think it was just a one-sided thing I think the trees were involved

And that red mimosa was definitely the guardian tree in the side yard

So she kind of caught me there with the mimosa thing and then I mean that whole story about the track to get the spring water and I mean

If this thing has any way to be a real thing

Then this would be it right

I'm not saying flour essences are real

I find the idea that they might be real fascinating

And there's that whole now I'm drawing a blank on what they're called now oh Bach flower essences

Right there's that whole society and

All English

And they are deadly serious they do not think there's any way that they might even possibly be making this s*** up they've got like a scientific system

So you know I've tried flower essences

And I've never really been sure

But I mostly have not felt like they did anything

Sometimes if I'm doing it and it's late at night I know during the pandemic I had some experiences with some flower essences

But

I feel like that might be placebo

But then I had this other flower essence that was for the ocotillo plant

I you know I read the story she was fairly new to flower essences and she or or she knew she was going to come in contact with something she hadn't been able to find before or something like that but she did a kind of a impromptu flower essence collection and she used organic vodka and they don't usually use vodka in flower essences You can but they don't usually traditionally you use brandy

But it was a plant that was like in the yard of a friend she went to stay with and I can't remember now I want to say it was in New Mexico but I also want to say it was in Joshua tree

But then I've got an ocotillo connection to marfa as well so I don't know

That was just a plant I felt like I had had not exactly a direct connection to but like I had kind of a a natural affinity for it or something

And I had used ocotillo tincture and my system likes it really well I don't know exactly what it does for me it feels like it's a gentle lymph cleanser 

So anyway when I had read that story and I had this experience with the ocotillo plant I said yes I'm going to go ahead and buy that

And then since I had that experience and I felt like that plant essence maybe had some positive effect on me

I was not necessarily able to say with any certainty that it was because of the flower essence but at the point when I was using that one I felt like I was having some positive changes

And I felt like maybe for me to believe in the flower essence

And I don't know whether you have to believe in something for it to work

But I think I felt like that if I felt a connection to the creation myth of the flower essence and if the person who made it felt like a creation story was the proper thing to do

That those were probably the flower essences that were going to work for me

So this is my new flower essence I'm working with the mimosa

But then when I was looking through her shop I found this self-heel tincture

And a tincture is not a flower essence it's a alcoholic extract of the medicinal elements of a plant and also in her case the aqueous elements

Different herbalists I guess it's what I'm going to call them do tincturing differently

She is from Susun Weed's school of herbalism

And her stuff is kind of hippie feminist she may have been affiliated with the farm at one point I'm not 100% sure

But she's not doing a bunch of ratio stuff

She's using hundred proof vodka

She's doing a lot of simple kitchen stuff

Like empowering

Here's the stuff all around you that you can use to make your life better

Not all like oh well for those kind of roots